I have debated long and hard about posting this chapter. It contains a graphic and emotional scenario of Abby's abortion experience. Please be aware of this before you read it.

The Clinic

Abby was wound tighter than a spring and trying very hard not to look at the two other women in the waiting room. She flipped through the magazine in her lap quickly and tried to still the pounding in her head and rolling in her stomach. This was the right thing to do. She was sure of it. She had never been more sure of anything in her entire life. They all looked up as the door opened and a nurse glanced into the room.

"Gail?" she said. "Gail Wyscenski?" Abby nodded and dropped the magazine on the end table. Her knees were shaking and rubbery as she followed the nurse into the hall with the exam rooms. They stopped at a scale and Abby stepped on as she was weighed.

"Have you had anything to eat or drink today?" the nurse asked as she made a notation on the chart. Abby shook her head. She handed Abby a plastic container with a blue top and opened a bathroom door.

"I'll wait for you right here," she said. Abby nodded and it was just a moment before she opened the door again and handed the nurse a urine sample. They went into a large room with curtained areas and the nurse led Abby to an open section with a bed and chair and pulled the curtain around them. Wordlessly she pulled a heavy plastic bag from a cupboard and handed it to Abby. She nodded toward the hospital gown that was folded on the bed.

'You can disrobe now and put your things in the bag," she said. "I'll go run the pregnancy test and the doctor's going to want to do an pelvic exam first as well." Abby nodded. The nurse bustled around at the counter in the little space and then turned with a small cup of medication and a glass of water.

"Valium and Vicoden," the nurse said. Abby hesitated and then took the cup in her hand. She stared down at the pills and then looked up at the nurse.

"I really think I'll be okay," she said quietly. "I don't want it." The nurse frowned a bit and then nodded.

"Take the Vicoden," she advised softly. "It will help with the dialation cramping." Abby nodded and took the selected pill with a sip of water. The nurse left and mechanically she began to take her things off and fold them neatly. She slipped them into the bag along with her shoes and socks. She tied the strings of the hospital gown at her neck and waist. It had to be longer but seemed like only a moment before the nurse appeared again with a wheelchair.

Abby sat in the chair and she was wheeled through another door to a hall lined with exam room doors. They stopped at an open door and the chair was pushed inside. The nurse chattered pleasantly about the unseasonably warm weather as she turned the chair in the exam room. Abby stood up and made her way to the exam table. She hitched herself up on the paper covered table and looked around. Clean. Sterile. Nothing to read. An old calender poster on the wall. Strawberry Shortcake. Sheesh. Couldn't they afford something nicer?

The nurse put the wheelchair back in the hall and then got a paper sheet out of the cupboard. She smiled as Abby eased herself back onto the exam table. Abby scooted down to the end as instructed and winced a bit as her bare heels were guided into a pair of high stirrups. The hospital gown was folded up around her belly and the sheet spread to cover her.

"The doctor will be right in," the nurse said brightly and the door was opened and she was gone. Abby shifted uncomfortably on the table and folded her arms behind her head. Her hands were shaking. She was shivering but not at all because she was cold. Why had she refused the valium? She was startled when the door opened again suddenly and the doctor came in. Abby was relieved. It was a woman.

"Hello, Gail," she said as she put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm Dr. Montgomery. Let's take a look and see what we have here." Abby nodded and let out a slow deep breath as she heard the squeak from the wheels on a stool and the sheet was pulled back from her feet and folded around her knees. Her eyes widened as she looked at the ceiling and she blew a soft breath out as the doctor did a pelvic exam. She looked up and folded her hands back over her stomach as the doctor returned to her side.

"Your pregnancy test was positive and your cervix looks as though you are about 11 weeks along. That's exactly what you said during your counseling session, right?" Abby nodded. Dr. Montgomery nodded and smiled.

"Okay then," she said. 'Let's get started." Abby nodded and her cheeks burned. She folded her arms behind her head again and stared at the white tiled ceiling. Her heart was pounding in her chest. The door opened and she heard a cart being wheeled into the room. There was a rustling of plastic ripping as a dialation kit was opened. Stop thinking about this, Abby. Think about something else. Anything else. God. Richard would kill you if he knew this was happening. Wouldn't he?

"Speculum..." She grimaced as it was inserted as gently as possible, opened wide and locked in place. There was cooling sensation as an antiseptic was swabbed inside her vagina.

"A little pinch or two." Abby winced again and tried not to move as she felt the numbing medication being injected into her cervix several times.

"Sorry about that..." the doctor said quietly. "Here's the tenaculum to hold the cervix in place." Another pinch.

"Cervical dialators..." Abby's fingers were tapping the back of her head and then her eyes widened slightly at the intense cramping she was beginning to feel. She pulled her arms down and pressed her fingers gently to her stomach under the drape. The vicodin wasn't much help at all. She stifled a groan and concentrated hard on just staying still. Five to ten minutes to dialate, they had said. Time was creeping by. This was hurting. How much longer?

"Cannula..." Tears filled Abby's eyes and she closed them quickly. She swallowed. This was it. She felt the smooth aspirator as it was placed deep inside her. She heard a switch and a soft whirring sound filed the room. She could feel a strong tugging sensation inside as the cannula was swept over the surface of her uterus. The doctor's hand was pressing lightly on her lower abdomen. It seemed to go on forever and she squeezed her eyes shut as the cramping intensified. Her head was ringing. There was a buzzing in her ears. She heard Maggie's screaming rants about Abby not caring enough. The mad camp outs in the middle of the livingroom. Being chased with a knife for daring to visit her father. Choosing a college to attend that was as far away from her mother as possible. That awful scene at Thanksgiving about oysters in the dressing. And Jacqueline's voice too. "My grandmother was prone to depression...make sure...make sure...make sure..." The whirring stopped and Abby's eyes opened. She listened as the doctor spoke with the nurse in a hushed tone. Abby knew they were examining the torn tissue from the suction machine. Tissue torn from her uterus. Her baby. No...not a baby. A 'fetus'...right? Abby was suddenly horribly nauseated.

"We need to do one more sweep, Gail," came the voice from her feet. "Just to be sure." Abby nodded again, swallowed the nausea and waited for the whirring sound again. The strong tugging sensation. The cramping. And then it was over. The cannulla was gone. The speculum was removed. The door opened and the cart was wheeled out. The door closed. Another pelvic exam and her feet were carefully removed from the stirrups, a thick sanitary napkin was positioned in place and the sheet was draped around her. The doctor helped her scoot back up on the table and then sit up carefully.

"Everything is fine," the doctor said. "You're no longer pregnant." Abby's heart squeezed tight. Her eyes met those of the doctor. Kind eyes. Non-condemning eyes. Abby nodded slowly.

"Any nausea, breast tenderness or fatigue that you may have been feeling due to the pregnancy will be gone in a few days. You should have some spotting and cramping but ibuprofen should take care of that. I also have an antibiotic that I want you to take. Two scrips, okay? Follow up in 10 days?" Abby nodded. Maybe. Dr. Montgomery patted her arm.

"The nurse will take you back to your curtain and you can rest for an hour so we can watch for any complications. If you are up to it, you can resume normal activities tomorrow...but go easy on yourself for a couple of days." Abby nodded again and then the doctor was gone. And so was the baby.

She waited for an hour. She actually slept for a little bit in the easy chair. Vicodin could do that. She called a cab when she had been given the go ahead to leave. She paid her bill - in cash.

The apartment was dark and quiet when she opened the door with her key. Richard was gone. The medical convention in St. Louis. She had the weekend off. She had planned it this way for a reason. She padded into their bedroom and dug through her drawers to find her flannel pajamas and then stopped. She sat wearily on the edge of their bed and slipped her shoes off. She took off her clothes, dropped them into the hamper and just wrapped herself in her chenille bathrobe. She walked out to the kitchen and put the tea kettle on to heat. She opened her favorite box of select teas and fingered the edges of the packages absently for a moment. She dropped the box onto the counter and bent down carefully to open the cupboard door. She pulled out Richard's bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a liberal amount into her tea cup. She lifted it to her lips and then stopped.

"Make sure you are the person you want to be, Abby..." she heard her mother in law's words in her head. "Make sure..." The person she wanted to be. Just what was that anyway? After a moment, Abby took the tea cup and the bottle of whiskey to the kitchen sink. She poured the contents of both of them down the drain. She went into the darkened livingroom, curled up in the corner of the couch and began to cry.