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Chapter 29

I locked myself in my room; the ceiling turned the palest shade of gray. My skull was not fully mended, but my nose had been set right by the medic. I never did figure out her name. I woke up yesterday and knowing where I was, I locked the door magically, concealing it with mixed emotions.

"Beth! Please, you have to eat something."

"I hate you!" I shouted through the door. They weren't letting me go home. I was stuck at Grimmauld Place. I wasn't going to see him ever again. My only family, and they had taken him away.

There was silence again. They had been knocking at my door constantly for the extent of my consciousness. Angry, apologetic, sad and confused; all these pleads had seen the other side of my bedroom door. I wouldn't hear any of it, and although I had water at hand (my wand), they were sure I would starve to death.

The truth was, I had no appetite. A strange numbness had grabbed hold of my body, making the recent loss of food rather small in comparison.

"Beth?" I frowned. According to the time, Remus shouldn't be nagging at my door for another hour. "Are you decent?"

"It doesn't matter, you're not coming in," I said bitterly.

"Are you?" he repeated.

I sighed. "Yes."

The doorknob jiggled up and down. I smiled grimly. It had taken up a great amount of energy on my part, but the charm I had placed on it was flawless. The only way they could get through that barrier would be to blow it up, and I know they wouldn't do that in fear of hitting me with wreckage.

The handle jiggled once more and I giggled, proud of my charm work. To my astonishment, the door disappeared with a 'pop.' Remus stood there, his face both concerned and angry.

He slid into the room, oblivious to the fact that I was embarrassed and humiliated.

"Eat," he ordered, setting down a plate with different types of fruit and a variety of vegetables and meat. The smell invaded my body and my stomach growled much against my will. I knew I was hungry, but I was almost positive that I would be sick and turned away.

"I can't.

"Do me a favor. Eat just one piece of fruit. I don't care about what it is, just eat it and I'll get off your back."

I scrutinized him. "I don't believe you." I picked up a piece of melon grudgingly and nibbled at the corner. The sweet juices hit the senses on my tongue at full force and I gagged.

Remus patted my back forcefully and I swallowed.

"Happy?" I asked sourly.

"For the most part." He looked at me and then sat down at the foot of my bed. "Why are you angry? Is it because you don't feel well? Are you embarrassed? It's okay to be a little scared."

He said this in a rush, as if saying it faster might make it less intrusive. Wiping his sweaty brow he turned to look at me in one repulsive yet eloquent movement.

"If you don't… I don't know why you would separate me from the only thing I've ever known." I fiddled with the bed covers and sniffled.

Remus stood up in a sudden rage.

"He was hurting you Beth. Hurting! Physically and mentally attacking you!" He ran at the wall and kicked it in anger. "Do you not remember the light? Do you not get what we represented that day? He is everything we oppose! Everything!" He turned to me, a once white scar turned red across his nose. His voice went softer. "Do you remember? We are together now Beth. Everyone in this house; people suffered extremes, and we understand that because we are part of the very few brave ones remaining…. Just because he's everything you've ever known, doesn't mean he's right."

"I didn't… I wasn't with the light." The moment I told him I felt dirty. I felt disgusting and dirty. There was an awkward pause.

"What?" he whispered. The ceiling had switched from gray to a very murky blue—fog of some sort.

"I thought… I just figured if I went back, everything would go back to normal, after a little while anyways." He looked at me shocked. "I don't have a dark mark or anything," I assured him quickly. His face went slightly more relaxed. "I just thought that maybe, our lessons… they might decrease now that it's over, a few here and there. He wants the best for me… and when he—" I wiped my nose on the blanket, "when he sold me out, it was just for a little while. Just so he could find us a new home."

Remus walked at a snail's pace to my bed, his eyes wide. "I still don't… I don't understand."

I snuggled farther into the corner of the wall and pulled the duvet up around my knees before he sat down.

"When my mom died, I was only two days old. She was a squib. She was perfect in every way except for the fact she couldn't perform magic. Her parents abandoned her, and my Dad fell in love with her. It was the perfect story until I killed her."

"What? Beth, you didn't kill her, she died at your birth…"

"Just listen!" He stared at me, as my voice grew louder. "He told me I had killed her, and he was right. They do this test, when you're born into a magical environment, to analyze you. It was almost guaranteed I would be a squib he said, and my mom put so much into my birth—there was something she performed on me as she died. Not with a wand or anything, but a-a love charm of some sort. And that's why I'm a witch not a squib. I wanted him… he wants me to be perfect, like my mom, and I said I would be because she put so much energy into that charm," I stopped and wiped my face on my blanket and stifled a sob. "She died. She died giving me magic."

Remus looked at me, his eyes sad. "Is that what he told you?" he whispered.

I nodded my head.

"He lied."

Those two words echoed through my head. They were isolated and placed into my brain, repeated over and over again.

"She died because of loss of blood afterwards. When we… when we turned your dad in, we talked to doctors afterwards. It said in reports that she was weak coming in, and she caught an infection—a disease of some sort—"

"Shut up." He looked at me, obviously unsure of what to do. "You can't just… that's why she died! I killed her! She died for me! He always said that! ALWAYS!" My voice was high and shrill at this point, my brain pounding. "He gave me up to them because he knew I could handle it because he trained me! He trained me with—"

"Beth! What he did was wrong! Physical violence is wrong! He performed illegal spells on you! You mother died because of an infection, not because of a charm. Your father… he's deluded."

"YOU'RE LYING!" I screamed. I stood up violently and jumped off the bed and stormed to the other corner, as far away from him as I could. "You just want me to think he's BAD!" My heart pounded in my throat.

"Where did he send you Beth?" His volume increased as mine did. "WHY WOULD HE SEND YOU SOMEWHERE YOU COULD DIE? Because that's where he sent you didn't he?" He walked towards me. "Where did he send you Beth?" he asked, his voice deadly low.

"The death eaters," I said quietly. "He gave me up to the dark so he could… so he could find us a new home. Because he knew I could handle it."

"No Beth, he sent you there to save his own skin. He sent you as a replacement. He was a coward."

"No. I can't… he wouldn't do that."

Remus pointed to the bandages that wrapped my head. "What wouldn't he do Beth?"

I looked at him quite faintly. "He loves me," I objected quietly.

"Has he ever said that? Ever?"

I didn't know what to say. I shook my head and I felt steaming tears successively running down my face. "No," I whispered. "Never ever."

Remus opened his arms and I fell into them, bawling. He held me for ten minutes before walking me back to bed.

§

I stayed in my room for the next few days, gradually eating more and more until I could fully digest a meal without losing it. Only Remus let himself into the room and I didn't tell him anymore, afraid that the rest of my past had been one big lie. We talked about everyone else, and once I caught what appeared to be a flesh colored string under the door, but thought it to be Kreacher or something, and ignored it.

Remus and I began to bond closely than before and I felt more at ease with him although it had taken some mad rage to make me realize what had gone on. On one of these days we had been taking for a particularly long time when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," I said softly. My whole demeanor had become softer. I tended to look at the floor when speaking to people, or try to make myself as small as possible. I long lean leg entered first and I knew immediately who it was.

"Hi," Harry said softly. His face was rather pale, and his eyes had a dull gleam to them although they were partially covered by his black hair. "I just wanted to come check in."

"Hi Harry," said Remus cheerfully. "I was just on my way out. I'll come see you at dinner alright?" he said to me. I nodded and he turned and strolled out of the room, whistling.

"Hey Beth," said Harry walking towards the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I half-whispered.

"That's good."

The silence was unbearable.

"Are you going to come out and see the rest of us soon?" he asked bluntly. I shrugged. "Oh, okay, because they all want to see you." I nodded. "Are you going to talk to me?"

I looked up at him and found myself drawn into his eyes, the mass of green much to wise for a twenty year old.

"How do you do it?" I asked.

He looked at me, startled. " Do what?"

"Live," I said simply.

He frowned and sat on a chair that had been placed beside my bed and looked at me. "Quite honestly, I don't lock myself up in my room. I used to do that, but I don't anymore. To isolate your self… it's bad. You get to thinking to seriously which can lead you to—" he shrugged.

"So you're not just saying that to get me out of my room are you?" I asked.

"No," he said quite seriously. "You should be with people… look, Beth, this thing with your dad—"

"Don't." he looked up at me.

"Pardon?"

"Please don't bring him up. I'll talk about it when… when I want to. But I don't… not right now."

It dawned on him what I was asking and he gesticulated with his hands for a moment. "Fine. Come down for dinner."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"I'm quite happy in here."

"Beth, can I tell you something honestly?"

"If you lied I would have to smack you."

"The room is starting to smell." He smirked awkwardly. There was a pause and my body started to shake. "Beth? Beth are you alright?" He was instantly up on his feet, trying to lift my head.

I snorted. And then I laughed. Not a giggle or a chuckle, but a deep laugh from my stomach.

"That is the most—" I chuckled, "That is one of the most honest, funniest most awkward things anyone has ever told me."

The wrinkles that were sitting on his forehead disappeared and his eyes crinkled around the corners as he too let out a laugh.

"So I'll see you at dinner then?"

I nodded. "I think I'll shower first though." We burst out laughing and he hugged me before leaving the room, not closing the door behind him. And guess what… I didn't mind.