Despite no updates since late last year, this story is far from dead! I will post next story arc this year, or die trying...lol. Been spending most of my time 'trying' to write 'You're an Angel'. This is a Prequel Drabble that should have been posted between 'Father of Mine' and 'All Hellmouth Breaking Loose' (my bad). Takes place in January 2009 and is just the characters 'thoughts on family.'

Some time in January 2009

It had been well over a year since they stopped bothering to use protection when they made love, yet Buffy couldn't help but let out a disappointed sigh looking down at her flat stomach and empty womb.

'Well, I guess it would have happened by now if I was going to get pregnant again. Is it me? Did I lose my fertility? Does being a Slayer limit the number of children I can have or make me infertile sooner? Is that why I lost the last pregnancy?'

She had wanted to ask Cassidy to run some tests, but sheer fear of hearing she'd never conceive again kept her from asking.

After her miscarriage, she hadn't wanted to conceive again, never wanted to feel that empty chasm ripped into her heart after loosing her unborn. After everything that happened in recent months, she found now she really wanted to have another child.

The realization was that life was so short and either her or Angel could be gone tomorrow.

Her eyes settled on her sleeping husband a moment, a brief 'I wonder if it could be him?' wafted through her mind, thinking back to him falling victim to the poison from the Octopus-like demon and the resulting 'temporary' infertility Cass had mentioned, but she didn't let the thought linger for long.

'It doesn't matter who's fault it is…there is no fault…I guess it's just not meant to be.' She thought sadly, having so very much wanted to see Angel's eyes lighting up again how they did the last two times she was pregnant.

It didn't matter what he said, she knew he wanted more children.

"I wish I could give them to you." She whispered, laying her head on his shoulder and letting sleep finally take her for the night.

…

Angel laid in silence…well not silence…he could always hear the familiar heartbeats of his family around him; actually feeling Buffy's thumping as she lay stretched against him, Katie and Liam's softly beating rhythms reaching his sensitive ears thought the walls and doors.

But he wanted more.

He hadn't come from a big family, his parents and older brother were all he'd had back in the 1700's. His parents weren't only children, but he'd never met his aunts and uncles, either though their deaths before his birth or just plain lack of family ties. People married and moved away, started their own families. Travel was difficult back then; often taking weeks to get anywhere and the risks of robbery or sickness were high.

So his small family had been all he'd known, at least until his brother's death, leaving him an only child for many years until his little sister was finally born.

Liam had never wanted a family of is own, mostly since his had really left something to be desired. He'd often felt cheated, seeing the love so many family's shared that his seemed to not possess. His brother had been loved, his sister too…but he'd never felt it growing up.

It left a hole in his heart, that even after it stopped beating he'd tried to fill.

After being turned, family wasn't a lost concept for the demon in him. Angelus had tried to make a family for himself, siring those he deemed worthy. Despite his desire for a connection, Angelus hadn't sired many. He was very particular about who received his gift, and so few ever made the cut. Fewer still lasted for long, with him, there was a very short learning curve. Penn and Drusilla had made the cut, a few others too, but the family connection he'd sought for hadn't come to fruit.

Penn had stayed for a while, learning all he could from his sire, eventually taking Angelus's killing pattern for his own. Angelus hadn't minded, it freed him to explore other methods, invent different songs of death for his black heart to sing.

Eventually, Penn and the others left.

Drusilla been the only to stay with him, the young woman's visions had intrigued him enough to blind him to the insanity he'd inflicted in her. The dark haired young woman had reminded him of his sister; how she might have been had she lived. That reminder of sibling love stayed with him, although as a demon the feeling was dark and twisted compared to the love that Liam had for Kathy, often emerging as lust for the beautiful insane Vampiress. That reminder had only made him want her more, Dru had been very beautiful…and he'd taken advantage of that many times.

Spike's siring had only strengthened his desire for family. Even though Spike's behavior often very nearly earned him a stake courtesy of Angelus, the older vampire had never been able to do it. As much as Spike pissed him off, the brash and impulsive fledgling fed his desire for a brother, a sibling in the art of death.

And he'd taught him well.

Everything had been perfect, the Whirlwind tore thought Europe, leaving behind only corpses and nightmares. Like a mother to him and a wife, Darla was a constant in his unlife, at first teaching him and then watching him as the student surpassed the teacher in the dark art of death. They traveled together sharing everything from food to their bodies.

Only twenty years had passed since Spike's turning before the curse descended upon him, crushing all traces of the demon he'd been and ripping him from the security of his family.

He spent two years trying to shed himself of the unwanted and painful soul, trying to convince himself he was still the demon Darla had sired.

But he wasn't, and he spent the next 100 years wallowing in that.

For a century Angel walked though life as a shadow of a man, a shadow of a demon, neither belonging to the human or demon worlds.

No family for a demon with a consciousness.

Then he'd met Buffy.

No, she hadn't been his family, but he saw a potential for it in his mind. Love gave him that hope, a hazy dream to reach out for.

When he'd discovered she felt the same love he did, those dreams grew like a wildfire during a dry-spell.

And the results burnt just as badly when the world fell out from under them.

The desire for family went to Hell with him.

After his soul was restored and he'd returned from Acathla's realm, he knew he'd never have a family again. He was cursed in more ways than one.

After he tasted her blood, he knew he had to leave. The desire for her was too strong to risk staying, their love would end up killing one of them…and he feared for her life like nothing he'd ever feared before. How long before just a smile from her gave him perfect happiness?

After she cured him of Faith's poison, he finally understood how much she loved him, enough to risk dying for him. That wasn't acceptable. He couldn't let that happen, her life was priceless while his was...worthless. He'd told himself that his leaving would save her life, that Buffy would be safer if he wasn't around to distract her, that her love would fade over time and she would find someone to grow old with, someone who could take her into the light and not forever bathe her in darkness.

Once in LA, he fell into an emotionless rut. His heart was still in Sunnydale, and he knew it had to stay that way. He'd go out and kill as many demons as he could find, silently taking out the rage of having to abandon the one thing that had made his life bearable.

Then Doyle had shown up, gave him a reason, a purpose, something to hope for.

Cordelia had soon followed, at first merely an annoyance, but quickly becoming a familiar and soothing normalcy for him. The bickering between the Cordy and Doyle brought back that old feeling of sibling love, though he knew to stay away from it himself, but enjoyed seeing it again none-the-less even from afar.

As time went on, those family bonds he'd craved began to reform in friendships. Losing Doyle had been a devastating blow for him, but soon after Wesley helped fill the hole that had torn in the vampire's heart. Gunn, Fred, Lorne…they reinforced and strengthened that fragile link to humanity, giving the vampire a sense of family again.

They became such an ever presence in his life, he'd begun to crave for them to be around. Doyle, Cordy, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, his little family had grown; he'd at last tasted how sweet company could be.

Connor's unexpected arrival had thrown a wrench into the gears of his mind, suddenly casting him in a position he'd never even been allowed to dream of…dad.

The role was new and terrifying…but he'd instantly discovered how much he'd needed it.

How much he'd wanted it.

Of course that too went to Hell…literally.

None of that mattered now, things had worked out in the end, his eldest son was happy.

Angel knew who he was now and was comfortable with it, the mix of demon and man, finally at balance within one another.

However, that wish for family was back again stronger than ever.

That craving for fatherhood screaming in his mind.

Angel wondered if the desire for children stemmed from his very real mortality now. If knowing one day he would die made him want to have descents carrying his blood, his 'life' down though that ages after he was gone?

Perhaps he was just sick of being alone after so many years without anything permanent in his life? He'd moved so often over the centuries, had so many different people walk past his life, but none ever really stayed until he'd met Buffy.

Or maybe he was aching to raise a child due to the loss of Connor's childhood?

The reason didn't matter.

He had a family now, a real flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood, living breathing family…and he would protect it with every fiber of his being. Like a gardener, he wanted to watch his family grow, to plant the seeds and watch them blossom.

Without Buffy or the kids…he really didn't see much use of a beating heart.

His heart could beat all it wanted, but without Buffy in his life, he wouldn't really be alive. He would simply exist…and he'd been that guy for far too long.

The real pleasure of mortality came with the connections to life all living beings feel. As an immortal demon, he could only look in the window of the world from the outside, never truly being a part of the human connection.

As a living man he could now really be a part of the world, participate in the wonder of normalcy. A wife, children, those drew him in closer than he'd ever been to a real life…and he was addicted to it now. For so long he'd craved for humanity, and now that he had it, he knew he'd never get enough.

He looked down at his wife as she lay enveloped in his arms, he couldn't help but smile down at her beautiful relaxed and peaceful features. Gently he leaned down and placed a kiss on her golden crown, savoring every second he'd have with her. He knew the risks involved with their lives, they both knew everyday could indeed be their last. That gave them motive to live each day as it was their last, they never missed the opportunity to say I love you, never skip a chance to enjoy a moment and smile, to create a memory that would be with them even after the other was gone.

In her sleep, Buffy squirmed impossibly closer to him, her arm tightening around his waist.

He just held her closer still, running his fingers lightly through her long mane as she settled against him, content as the fingers on his other hand brushing over the now healed scar left by the gunshot wound in her abdomen.

Briefly, he wondered if the gunshot wound could impede their chances of having another baby, if the scar tissue could have extended to her uterus.

Honestly, he didn't care if Buffy couldn't conceive again or if their lack of conception fell on his shoulders…or rather much lower than his shoulders… He vividly remembered Cassidy's talk with him when he'd 'died' and been laying on a cold steel table in the morgue for over 24 hours, that the drop in body temperature for that long would have killed off all his little swimmers. To be infertile again was a blow he hadn't expected, at least not this early in his human life. He never did have his sperm count tested afterwards, to see if his body would replenish his supply. It wasn't the kind of appointment he felt comfortable making with Cassidy, nor did he really want to know if he really was infertile.

At least if he didn't know for sure, he could still have hope.

Angel did want another child, always would if it meant Buffy being the mother, but he refused to feel disappointed in her belly remaining flat and barren despite their complete lack of preventative action. Granted the complete lack of preventative actions made trying even more pleasurable, condoms were the enemy as far as he was concerned.

Sometimes these things took time, and as much as he wanted to grow his family, he admitted the break between pregnancies was almost more valuable than gold. Katie and Liam both still in diapers with another on the way would have been too much, now that the toddlers were potty trained and a little more grown it would be far easier to add another child to their schedule.

As much as she loved their children, he knew Buffy hadn't been thrilled to have virtually overlapping pregnancies.

Buffy glowing brightly with a belly full of their child was the most arousing image he'd ever experienced in his long life, and he was hungry to see the image repeated, but he was a patient man. Plus the activity that resulted in children was hardly considered a chore for him…he could 'stand' trying for however long she wanted to, regardless whether or not their seed would sprout.

He would love her to his last breath, and if somewhere in between then and now they had another dozen kids or just Katie and Liam, he would love her just the same.

Angel had his cake, the rest was just frosting.

...

Yes, this really will TBC...