Chapter 9 – Better than some
Heading up to the hillock just before the dawn stretched out across the prison, Tahlia saw Rick already lying on his back on the grass, waiting for her.
She was both impressed and surprised that he was still doing this. It had been over a week since the first morning he'd joined her, and she had been certain that it would be a very short-lived companionship – she'd assured him that she would still continue to help him with the animals and gardens if he wanted to throw in the towel, but so far, he'd stuck with their dawn meetings. It wasn't like he actually did any yoga with her – he'd attempted some postures the first couple of mornings, but then after much laughter and collapsing, decided that he'd just rather sit, stretch, breathe, be.
Tahlia enjoyed the quiet company. She didn't ask what he thought about up there, if anything. Didn't push to see what was going on in his head. She had a feeling it would all come out at some point.
"Morning!" she greeted him, and he responded with a warm smile, sitting up and stretching his legs out in front of him.
"You're out here early today. Sleep ok?"
Rick squinted up at her, feeling like she already knew the answer to that.
"Not really." he admitted, as she began her practice next to him. "Didn't get much of it, for some reason. Bet you slept like a baby though – must have been exhausted after that impressive display out in the field yesterday!"
Tahlia laughed. "Yeah! Been a while since I've whirled around like that! Bit sore this morning."
"I bet. Seeing what you can do made me feel pretty glad you've joined us. We're lucky to have your skill."
"We've all got different bits that we bring to the table. Complement each other. I've heard a lot of stories about your skills. Sounds like none of this-" she waved a hand at their surroundings. "-would have been possible without you. That this group probably wouldn't have made it without you."
Rick dropped his eyes to the ground. "And I wouldn't have made it without them. We all need each other." he said humbly, then glanced up at her and gave her a faux-frown. "Anyway, no more chat. Get on with it."
She grinned. "Yes boss. As always, feel free to join in at any point. Happy to help you out."
Rick rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Thanks, but I think I'll just sit here and 'meditate'."
He was surprised at how willingly he had taken to this little routine, sitting here on the hillock, fresh air and stillness and almost silence – damned walkers beyond the fences – and a little time to just be before the never-ending whirlwind of trying to keep this place running and trying to keep everyone safe and happy consumed him. He shot a sideways glance at Tahlia who was practically folded in half as she stood next to him with her hands on the ground, and shook his head. If anyone had told him a week ago that this is how he'd choose to begin his mornings, he would have laughed in their face. But now he couldn't understand why he hadn't thought to carve out this little bit of dawn peace sooner.
After a while, she was done and stretched her hands up to the sky and heaved a contented sigh. "Alright! Guess we should go feed those animals."
As they walked down towards the gardens, Rick found himself wanting to talk. He wasn't sure why – except he was sure that it had contributed to his lack of sleep last night – but it just felt like the right time to get something off his chest, and she felt like the right person to share it with. "So, you said you've heard some stories. I guess you know I lost my wife when Judith was born."
Tahlia's brows flickered at the unexpected dive into this conversation. This was the first time he'd mentioned Lori to her. "Yeah, I do. Maggie told me about what happened that day." She didn't bother with the sorrys, the sympathies, it felt like the time for those had long passed, and it was a different kind of commiseration he was seeking now.
"Lost myself for a bit after that. Thought I could see her around, thought I was going crazy. I think it was from the guilt. Throughout that whole pregnancy, I was distant. Kept her at arm's length. I was mad at her and... I know she needed me, and I didn't let her close." Rick rubbed his face hard.
Tahlia waited patiently for him to continue. She knew bits and pieces of all of this from what some of the others had already told her, but nothing of the complexities of what Rick had been going through internally. On some level she'd been expecting this outpouring from him. When she first met him, she'd seen the weight of the ghosts that haunted him in his eyes, then they'd started spending that time together in the mornings, and whether it was something to do with that, or whether it was just the right time for him to let go, she had seen the weight slowing lifting, his eyes slowly lightening, and figured that at some point he would need to process it in some way to finally be able to move forward.
Rick heaved a sigh, then carried on. "Then... she was gone. And I hadn't fixed things between us. Although... things had been broken for a long time. We were rocky. Before all this." he waved a hand around in the air. "Before. I never told anyone here that. And Lori and I didn't really speak about it either. How she seemed pissed off with me all the time, how she always wanted me to talk, talk, but nothing I'd say was ever enough, and then to her that meant I didn't care about them. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing and we just carried on until I was shot and then the world went to shit. I suppose it made it easier to understand why she ended up with Shane when she thought I was dead. Everyone thought that her and I finding each other again was some kind of miracle. A happy family reunited. And it was a miracle to find her and Carl, but it felt like just because of that we should forget about what our marriage had really been like before everything was turned upside down. We just kept putting Band-Aid after Band-Aid on it, hoping that would be enough. I mean, I did love her, so much... but..."
"It's ok to love someone and not like them at the same time. And it's also ok to admit that your love for her had changed, that you felt differently, even though you still wanted to do the right thing by her."
Surprise flickered in Rick's eyes as he accepted what she said. "Then Shane turned on me, and it felt like I'd lost everything again. The people I'd known from before weren't the same and things between us weren't the same and... and then I killed him and I keep telling myself that it was just because it was gonna be him or me... but the truth is that there was a little part of me that wanted to do it anyway because of everything..."
Rick shot a glance at her to see if she'd be horrified at his confession, but she just nodded sagely, a faraway look in her eyes.
"Nothing's ever cut and dry when it comes to matters of the heart and people we love. Sounds like things were really damn rough for you."
He exhaled, and with it, felt like he was expelling the ghosts of his past. "It was a lot. That's for sure. And now... I have Judith. But I barely spent any time with her at the beginning. Thank God for Beth, she's borne the brunt of looking after that little girl."
"Don't you worry about her – that baby is loved. She has all she needs. And what you need is to heal before you can give any more of yourself away. She needs a daddy whose heart is mended, not broken."
Rick contemplated that for a long moment. It felt good to hear Tahlia's spin on it, felt like maybe he hadn't screwed everything up after all. But there was still something weighing on his mind. "I don't think she's even mine, you know. Probably the others don't think so either, although no one's said anything."
Tahlia shrugged. "A blood tie isn't the only thing that makes someone yours. Families are made, they're fluid, not set in stone. Didn't you tell me yourself that these people here are your family? This bunch of misfits that you've collected in the apocalypse?" She grinned, then it faded as she continued. "And on the other side of it, sharing blood with someone doesn't automatically mean they give a shit about you. So, you make the choice, because blood doesn't have to matter. If you want to be her dad, just be her dad. Just love her and let her know that. That's all a kid needs."
Nodding, Rick threw the scraps into the pigpen. "That's good advice. Never thought of it that simply before." He wiped his hands on his pants and hugged Tahlia tightly for a moment. "Thank you. That makes me... I feel..." He settled for a small smile and a nod, before filling the water trough.
"You must've either had a great one or a terrible one to be so wise about it."
"A great what?" Tahlia asked, picking up the water bucket.
"Dad. Family."
Tahlia shrugged. "Better than some." She hoped he wouldn't hear the worse than others that echoed in her head. She headed for the goats, Rick following behind.
"So... what happened to them? Your family? Where are they?"
Tahlia made sure to keep her back to him. "I haven't seen them for a long time. I hope they're in a better place."
"Were they with you, when all this started?"
"Michonne hasn't filled you in all that?" Tahlia deflected.
"No. Come to think of it, she's never really said much about herself either. Other than being with Andrea, all that came before is a bit blank."
"Yeah, she's a tough nut to crack."
"So how did you end up together?"
"Told you that first day. Saved her ass then we stuck together."
"And before that for you? At the beginning of all this?"
"I was in the city, things started going south... so I went north." Tahlia attempted a joke, but Rick remained focused, determined to try and find something out about her.
"On your own?"
"Can't ever really be on your own with all those reanimated corpses shuffling around, huh?"
Rick studied the girl in front of him for a while. "I've done a lot of interrogations in my time, you know. And you've definitely got a talent there."
"A talent for...?"
"Making it seem like you're answering questions without actually giving much of anything away."
Tahlia stared at him for a moment, then let out a laugh. "Shit, sorry. Force of habit." She spread her hands wide, and smiled. "What do you want to know? Straight answers, I promise."
"Ok." Rick nodded, returning the smile. "What happened to your family?"
"Gone." she replied simply. "They were gone long before any of this happened."
He wasn't quite sure what she meant by that, but didn't want to press too hard. "And who were you with at the very beginning of all this?"
"Some friends in the city. Shit went so crazy so quickly, we got separated real quick. Me and a couple of others ended up at the refugee camp where Michonne was, that's where I met her. Then we stuck together from there."
"And what happened when you got separated?"
Tahlia faltered at that question, sucking in a long slow breath, her eyes flicking to the sky.
Just then, Carl jogged down to meet them.
"Hi! Am I late?"
Rick turned to greet his son. "Morning! Nope, you're right on time!"
Tahlia breathed a sigh of relief, and waved a hand at Carl. "What's up lil Grimes?"
They carried out a few jobs together, and then Rick clapped Carl on the shoulder as he was hanging over the side of the pigpen. "Can you go and check to see if we've got any eggs from the chickens this morning?"
"Sure thing." Carl jumped down, then waved at the pig lying in the sty. "See ya later, Violet."
"Carl! What did I tell you about naming the animals?! Don't do it!" Rick chided him sternly.
"Sorry dad." Carl shrugged, then started off towards the chicken coop.
"I'll come with you." Tahlia fell into step next to him.
Rick called after them. "Don't forget to check on the one with the injured wing!"
Tahlia looked down at Carl, and in a voice loud enough for Rick to hear, said, "Is he talking about Nugget or Bo Peep?"
Carl managed to keep a steady voice as he replied, "No, the injured one is Mother Clucker."
"Guys!" shouted Rick in amused exasperation, shaking his head as he watched the two of them dissolve into giggles as they wandered away.
As they collected the handful of eggs that were waiting, Carl was talking about some of the superheroes in the comic that he had been reading, and digressed into the weapons that they had here at the prison.
"... and now we have two samurai swords around here! That's so cool. I wish I had a signature weapon."
"Yeah? What would you have?"
"A... bazooka." he laughed, then his face fell. "Dad won't even let me have a handgun anymore."
"You don't need a gun." Tahlia reassured him.
"How about a sword then?" he said hopefully, eyeing up her katana.
Tahlia laughed. "I'll let you have a go with this, for sure. But what about just being confident with no weapons?"
"What do you mean?"
"Basic self-defense." Tahlia paused for a second then reached out and grabbed Carl's wrist, easily spinning him into her and catching him in a headlock. She then ran her knuckles over his ribs, causing him to squeal with laughter.
"You can use nearly anything as a weapon, but it's a lot harder to be able to look after yourself with no weapons at all. Let's start there first."