Ch. 5
If he could bear this pain for her, he would do it gladly. His own problems have been pressed to the back burner of his mind. He can survive whatever fate deals him in his own life. He's not sure he can survive without her presence. He has no idea when that shift occurred but it's been on his mind more and more of late. He finally accepted there was no future with Donna. For a while, he had fooled himself into being puzzled as to why he kept hitting road blocks with her. She was everything he should want in a woman. She was beautiful, a professional woman with an admirable career, she was a mature woman at the same station in life as himself. She was many things that were positive. But, there was one thing she was not. Vic.
He had tried so hard to push Vic away. It had been a selfish thing for him to do. He had convinced himself it was best for them both. He knew now that was a lie. A lie he told himself to relieve his conscience. Things had become near unbearable without her in his circle. He felt empty. She had been steadfast for so long now with regards to him. Her faith in him felt like warm sunshine washing over him. Even after everything, it still remained.
Now, she had been plunged into a darkness that seemed unable to be breached. He knew she blamed herself. He was an expert on self blame. He also knew it achieved nothing. When she had sat in his living room and told him that she had held a gun to her own head, an unspeakable dread had branched out in his gut. She had literally been the twitch of a finger away from erasing herself from this world. He had maintained a calm countenance. She needed him to be steady. He knew that.
These days she was safely in her trailer just outside his house. He took comfort in being able to look out his window and see the warm glow through her windows. He knew she was safe. He could sleep when she was safe. It pained him to see her anguish. He longed for the Vic he had come to rely on. The brash, full of attitude, and eye rolling version that would admonish him one minute and laugh at him the next. Long. That was an adequate word. He had finally admitted to himself what he had denied to basically everyone, including her. He longed for her. He longed for her in many ways. Her getting shot had cemented it in his mind. The time they had spent together since had only strengthened it. She allowed him to take care of her. He knew that's what it was. She could go at any time. But she stayed for now. They shared meals and talks in a way they never had. She would sometimes come in first thing in the morning to steal a cup of his good coffee and she would come at night to raid his beer supply. It endeared her even more to him. He knew she didn't want to be alone and he welcomed her company.
Her presence entangled his heart like tentacles wrapping itself around prey. He had already chastised himself more than once while she was sitting on his couch talking to him. She was prodding him about his case. He didn't want to burden her with his problems but she was hard to say no to. She sat before him in sweat pants and a tank top. He was drawn to the bare skin around her neck and shoulders in a way he hadn't been before. Her hair was down, which he had rarely seen before all of this. He wanted to run his fingers through it. He wanted to press his nose to it and feel it's softness. He had no idea how this woman had so completely immersed herself into the fabric of his life.
He pushed the thoughts from his mind. Now wasn't the time. She was still precariously treading water, as was he. He didn't want to be with her out of a shared moment of weakness and need. He wanted it to be something more. Something permanent. He did want regret to sour the moment or tinge it with darkness. When their time came, he wanted her to know that it came from a place of love and desire. He didn't want her to question his motives or her own. For now he was content to be in her presence. For now.