Chapter 9 – Push

"Look, I found another one," Zack said, waving the magazine in his gloved hand. As he approached Cloud and a few other SOLDIERs, all sitting on the couches in the center of the renovated Third Class lounge (when asked why he elected to hang out here, when he had access to the much nicer First Class spaces, Zack tossed a comment about having paid for the privilege), the effervescent Lieutenant played the perfect picture of innocence. But after all this time, Cloud knew better. He could easily spot when Zack was full of shit and judging by that charming smile and those twinkling blue eyes, the man most certainly was right now.

"I don't want to see it," Cloud said, turning his attention to his soda, and resisting the urge to crush the can in his fist.

Beside him, Hunter, a fellow Third that Cloud had met shortly after orientation, reached forward to grasp the offending object out of Zack's hands with maybe a bit too much enthusiasm. To make matters worse, a few others began to gather around, chattering and murmuring with varying levels of interest. Great. Even after a whole month of this, Cloud had still no idea how to react to the way his peers suddenly treated him after Junon. While he no longer feared injury or outright betrayal from his fellow SOLDIERs, at least not since his fall from Sector Four, the sudden fame was a nightmare of a different flavor. He had transformed from a scrawny nobody merely trying to survive in Shinra, into someone who now regularly had flowers or chocolates delivered from admiring colleagues, who had to avoid the more crowded areas of the Tower, lest he be stared at like an exotic animal.

Of course, Zack only found that turn of events positively hilarious. His friend made it a point to send him any photos or articles about the "Hero of Junon", often with bombastic commentary of his own. He especially liked to do that in public, loved to watch the way that Cloud would stubbornly duck his head to hide his embarrassment. But at least he knew where Zack's heart truly was – that he was doing all this out of a sense of pride for Cloud's accomplishments (and maybe even a small bit of relief that they had managed to survive the whole ordeal). When it came to other people, however, Cloud found he could no longer be sure of their intentions.

The Lieutenant had happily relinquished the magazine to Hunter and the other Thirds, and then plopped down on the plush sofa next to the blond. "It's honestly a really good picture of you," he said, voice singing with delight. "You actually look more like an adorable chocobo than a scowling gremlin."

"I am not a chocobo," Cloud grumbled, but peered over Hunter's shoulder to glance at the photo anyway.

Zack was right. It was a decent one – a candid shot which featured him looking over his shoulder at the end of a monster-clearing mission in the Sector Six slums. Where they even got these images, Cloud had no idea. Nevertheless, he was still jarred at the sight of himself on the pages of newspapers and magazines, all over the internet. There had been an enormous amount of press in the days after the Junon Incident, a whirlwind of cameras, interviews, and meetings that left Cloud utterly dazed and exhausted. The early articles that came out focused on the basic background – Nibelheim, Shinra Infantry, mission record as a SOLDIER Third Class, his status as Sephiroth's protégé – as well as discussed his "unparalleled bravery in the face of dire circumstances." It was just shy of too much, and when the initial rush finally died after about a week, Cloud had thought (hoped) that that would be the end of it.

But instead, the attention quickly transformed into something much stranger and ultimately grew to have a life of its own. In hindsight, Cloud should have expected it. After all, he had been a fan of the General for so long (a detail of his life that now made him cringe) and had seen the way the man had skyrocketed into the public consciousness following the first campaigns in Wutai. Yet, while he was not naïve to what his newfound status meant, Cloud still found it a difficult adjustment. And there was no amount of understanding or preparation in the world that would ever stop him from being mortified over some of the awkwardly painted compliments now thrown his way. One magazine had said something along the lines of: He looks more like a model than a SOLDIER, but his beautiful blue eyes hide the strongest of steel, which seemed to delight Zack and the others, but only made Cloud want to hide out of embarrassment.

Still, there was an honest part of Cloud that was a little thrilled – after all, wasn't this what he wanted? To be a hero, to rise above the painfully low and cruel expectations that the villagers back home had set for him? His mother had called him after she had gotten the first paper, the one with her son's face blazoned right on top of the fold. She had spent the conversation vacillating between frightened for his safety and proud of his courage. That clipping was now framed, placed proudly at the center of the mantlepiece above the fireplace in their living room, a beacon that signaled to all of Nibelheim, I told you so, a reminder of where he had started and how far he had come. In some ways, Cloud was grateful for it.

And yet, as he cast his eyes over his fellow SOLDIERs, all looking at him (or more accurately, a photo of him), he could not help but miss the days of wallowing in anonymity.

"Whatever you say, Spike," Zack teased. He lifted a finger and poked Cloud's cheek. "Just glad I can call our newest SOLDIER hero my best friend."

Cloud huffed, pushed the playful finger away from his face. "Don't test your luck."

Zack only laughed in reply.

Meanwhile, Hunter finally put down the magazine, his face suddenly much more thoughtful. Evidently, Cloud had missed the thread of the other group's conversation, because the next question out of the Third's mouth was surprising enough to make him pause.

"Think they'll promote you to Second, Strife?"

It was a good question, and one that he probably should have thought about more. But the truth was, after Junon, Cloud hardly had a moment breathe, let alone speculate on the trajectory of his career. Just getting into SOLDIER and surviving the first few months of the program had been overwhelming enough; the sheer notion of becoming a Second was just too farfetched, like the distant speckle of a star in the night sky. After all, it had only been six months since Cloud had joined the program and being promoted that early was practically unheard of.

But then, Zack said, with a strangely solemn tone, "Wouldn't be surprised."

Cloud turned to stare at his friend, but the Lieutenant's expression was unreadable. Did he know something? Zack ranked high up the SOLDIER chain of command, even more so now that Lazard was dead and Sephiroth had assumed control of operations to avoid the program falling completely under Heidegger's purview. It was easily possible that he was privy to some truths that Cloud was not.

At the look, Zack merely gave a shrug. Then, his expression became a lot less solemn and a lot more mischievous. "C'mon, Cloud, we all know who you could ask if you really wanted a straight answer to that."

Cloud scoffed, folded his arms, and slouched back on the couch. As curious as he was about the prospect of a promotion, he was absolutely determined not to talk Sephiroth. Especially after the man had made a deliberate point of not speaking to him over the last month. Besides the fifteen minutes in the prior week during which Cloud and a small team of Thirds provided a mission update on the monster situation in Midgar, they had not spoken more than brief greetings in passing to each other. Sephiroth even cancelled their once regular training sessions, citing Cloud's clear improvement and the increase in his own workload (that might not have bothered Cloud as much, had Sephiroth actually done so face to face, instead of over a text message). Any calls rolled to voicemail; emails or texts went unanswered. And every time Cloud had enough stubbornness, irritation, or desperation in him to actually stalk up to that office and knock on his door, the General's secretaries would immediately turn him away.

Infuriating was too simple of a word for what Cloud felt about it all. He could understand it if Sephiroth needed time to heal after what had happened at Junon, if the man wanted space to contemplate how he felt. That kiss had been rushed, frantic, the result of a chaotic and emotional day. But to hardly say a word to Cloud about it, to shut him out completely?

Cloud was enraged. But more than that, he was embarrassed. Because he could not stop thinking about that kiss – how soft Sephiroth's hair was in his fingers, how firm the muscles in his chest and back felt, how easy and how right it was being wrapped in those arms. It was not just physical, either. During those six months he had spent with Sephiroth, chatting in his office or apartment, sharing meals and spars and stories, something warm had begun to burrow deep in his heart. And after that kiss, it was now clear what that something was. It went beyond the initial crush he had harbored for the man as a youth, now something much more real and much more meaningful. The problem was, Cloud had assumed, had hoped, that the attraction went both ways.

And when Sephiroth pulled away, broke their contact, built his walls, that illusion had shattered. Picking up the pieces of it, feeling the stings of the what ifs against the skin of his fingers – it hurt far more than Cloud expected or cared to admit.

It was humiliating.

Zack seemed to notice the darkening of Cloud's mood. He leaned in and whispered, "Hey. You alright?"

"Fine," Cloud mumbled, his eyes focusing straight on the tips of his boots. He knew that snipped response was terribly unconvincing, but it would be enough for his friend to sense that he didn't want to talk about it, at least not right now. And honestly, if Sephiroth refused say anything, would like to pretend that that kiss and everything else that came before didn't happen, didn't matter…

Well, two could play at that game.

Cloud leaned forward on his elbows, buried his face in his hands.

"I'm just fine."

Zack was not shy to admit that he was a people person. He knew how to read the mood in a room, knew what buttons to push and what to leave alone, knew how to look past the words and masks others presented and try and see the realities underneath. But he did not need to deploy such skill to see this particular truth. Though it was soft and quiet, like a subtle summer breeze on the beach, the easy affection and care Cloud and Sephiroth shared for each other had been more than obvious. It was especially evident on Sephiroth's part, considering the man never showed anything other than blatant disinterest ever. Zack had made a mental note to speak seriously to the General about Cloud, but beyond occasional teasing, there never seemed to be time to have the important conversation. And, if Zack were being honest, he did not want to wreck what seemed to be a good thing.

But he should have known better, should have anticipated that his two socially awkward dolts of friends would go right ahead and ruin it themselves.

"Stop slamming your head against the table," Aerith chided, though there was no malice to her voice. She was sitting across from him in the Sector Five Café, a half-eaten slice of strawberry cake and a steaming mug of tea in front of her. She reached forward, patting Zack's head of black hair like a child would a puppy.

Zack grumbled, the sound muffled against the wooden table. "I can't. I hate them both."

"No. You don't. You are incapable of hating anyone, Zack Fair."

"They're making a pretty good argument, though."

Aerith laughed, took another bite of her cake. She refused to let Zack share, had accused her boyfriend of always taking more than his half, which the young man had protested was only the result of his enhanced appetite. "Come on, Zack. Get up."

The Lieutenant lifted his head from the table, resorted instead to slouching in his seat. After that moment in the lounge, Zack had cornered Cloud to press him for more details about why he suddenly seemed less than pleased with Sephiroth, but the blond had been infuriatingly tight-lipped.

"Leave it alone," Cloud had said, though Zack could see it in his eyes. There was hurt and betrayal there, swirling in the blue. Cloud was tough, probably tougher than anyone Zack had ever met, but that did not mean he was unfeeling. If anything, Cloud felt very strongly – he would not have worked so hard and fought so determinedly if he did not. And the pain his friend was now in was strong, loud, like a bell ringing on a silent morning.

Zack had known this was a possibility, but as always, he had given into his optimism, his belief. It also helped that Sephiroth often looked at Cloud like a poor cat starved for affection would glance hopefully toward comforting human being. That was enough to assuage the fear, to make the idea that the General would even hurt Cloud seemed so remote. But Sephiroth did, somehow, and that much was now clear.

"I'm gonna kill him," Zack had said.

Cloud had reached for his arm, tugged it in a quiet plea. "No! He didn't – It was nothing like that. It was my fault, Zack. I was an idiot."

"How?"

But all Cloud did in response was shake his head.

The next day, Zack had tried to get Sephiroth's side of the story, but the General was booked backed-to-back, and there were rumors that he had not left the office in weeks, buried in paperwork and mission reports and budget approvals that normally were shared between him, two other Lieutenant Generals, and the SOLDIER Director. Despite everything that happened, despite losing his two closest friends in the span of a year, Sephiroth had not taken a single day off, and it was now looking like he never would be able to again. Though the Junon Incident reports were finally closing, the man remained busier than ever. It did bring some comfort, to understand that Sephiroth's excuses of a taxing workload were not simple white lies. Still, Zack was not about to let him off the hook that easily. Unfortunately, after the third day of being unable to see Sephiroth, even for a quick meal or drink, Zack could begin to feel his resolve wavering.

Which was what brought him down to Sector Five, to see the girl with sparkling green eyes that never failed to give him a second wind.

They were having lunch, and Zack had spent the better part of the meal regaling Aerith with the idiotic love story of the General with a stick up his ass and the surly chocobo with a stubborn streak a milewide. His girlfriend listened with the patience of a goddess, nodding, and assenting, and even laughing at all the appropriate times. He had just gotten to the part in which the two had refused to even explain their new and strange behaviors, when he succumbed to the urge to slap his forehead against something, and the wooden café table seemed like the best option at the time.

"I just wish they would talk. Say something!"

"Some people just aren't talkers," Aerith said, grinning. She propped up on her elbows, her chin in her palm, and shot him a teasing glance. "I know, shocking for you, right?"

Zack put a hand to his heart, acting playfully affronted. "Babe, that hurts."

"You're tough. I have no doubt you'll live."

He did manage a laugh at that, feeling warmer and more comfortable than he had in a while. They had not had much time to see each other since his return from Junon – Aerith was busy helping out with classes at the local orphanage and Zack was trying to keep SOLIDER morale together. Moreover, Sephiroth had also assigned him as primary proctor of the upcoming SOLDIER exam. It had been Angeal's old job, one that his late mentor loved to carry out, and the hidden meaning behind the new charge was not lost. Zack had gladly thrown himself into preparations, though it left him little time to see his girlfriend.

But now that he was here, Zack could not deny how refreshing it was to be out of that tower, to be with Aerith and her freely given smiles and gentle ribbing. He leaned forward and took her hand in his, thumb rubbing her fingers gently.

"You know I love you, right?" he said.

She smiled back. "Yes, Zack. I know. I love you, too."

He grinned, pressed a kiss to her hand, watched the way her blush colored her cheeks and made her emerald eyes seem to sparkle even brighter. She pulled her hand back with a soft chuckle, adding, "Now, if only you could get your friends to say that to each other, all your problems would be solved, wouldn't it?"

Zack groaned, covered his face with his hands. "You would not think it would be this hard."

Aerith tilted her head. Then she spoke in that voice, the one that always seemed to just know, the one that reminded him just how special this girl really was. "It is for some people. Love can be a scary thing, especially to those who are unfamiliar with it, especially to those who have broken hearts."

Zack pondered that for a minute, thought about Cloud and the tough exterior he used to try and hide the embarrassment and frustration and pain from his childhood. Thought about Sephiroth – that was a whole can of worms that he had only just begun to open, but if Angeal and Genesis's stories revealed anything, it was that Sephiroth had the unfortunate distinction of being both unfamiliar with love and broken-hearted.

He sighed. "I just want them to be happy, that's all."

"I know."

"I don't want any of my friends to hurt anymore. I keep losing them, and I just—"

Aerith leaned forward and put her hand on his cheek. "I know, Zack."

Zack turned his face toward the touch, closing his eyes and steadying his breathing. "What do I do, Aerith?" he asked.

She looked at him, expression full of affection, but also bright with determination. "You do what you do best. Be there for people. Be the wonderful friend you are."

He lifted a hand to hers, the one pressed to his face, and squeezed it tightly. It sounded simple, contrite even, but he knew that Aerith was not trying to be any of those things. Picking himself up off the mat after Angeal had been hard, but he had done it. Through the pain and the grief, he had found a new role and new purpose in SOLDIER. He had found Cloud and the gift of his wonderful friendship. He had even connected better with Sephiroth. Zack had survived, because he had kept trying. That was what she was trying to remind him of.

Once again, Aerith had helped him find exactly what he was looking for. All that was left was to pay that forward, to someone else who needed that reminder, too.

Smiling, Zack pressed another kiss to her hand. It said, lovingly, Thank you.

The raucous ring of the telephone jolted Sephiroth awake so quickly, it felt something akin to a third level lighting spell, and the usually graceful General nearly fell out of his office chair. But he could forgive himself for being less than poised, after two days of being trapped in this infernal office, with papers strewn all over his desk and some even littering the floor around him. This was ridiculous. No, it had passed ridiculous sometime during the second week following the Junon attack. Sephiroth had always thought that one day Shinra would kill him, but death by excessive paperwork was not what he had in mind.

He took a moment to blink away the residual exhaustion hiding behind his eyes, before pressing on the speaker button of the phone. "General Sephiroth speaking," he said.

"Sir," his secretary replied, "A Lieutenant Zack Fair wants to see you."

Again? The puppy had been trying to get on his calendar for the past few days, calling his secretaries (he had to get a second one, just to keep his head above water) at regular intervals for the chance. Though Zack had a number of legitimate reasons for seeing him, such as discussing the upcoming SOLDIER exam or providing mission reports and training updates, Sephiroth had the sinking feeling that this particular visit was intended to be less than official.

To say that he was dreading it would be an understatement.

"No," Sephiroth replied briskly and hung up, hoping that would be the end of that. He then leaned back in his chair and glanced up at the ceiling, focusing as much as he could on his breathing.

In all honesty, Sephiroth knew he was being absurd. He knew that Cloud deserved better than the wall of silence he had built, especially after he had acted so keenly to take from the blond whatever comfort he could give in the moment. But the truth was that everything was so tangled, so complicated, and, partly out of lack of time, but mostly out of fear, he had not had the chance to sort out the maze of emotions that that day in Junon had painfully wrought from his heart.

There were simple truths, to be sure. Genesis's continued betrayal stung deep – watching the man soar away, leaving nothing behind but fallen feathers and hurtful words – ached terribly, the pain lingering longer than any other injury Sephiroth had ever experienced before. He had wanted so desperately for a different outcome, but it was to no avail. In the end, the two of them had fought once more, settling into that old dance, caving into their anger and their instincts, like the monsters they were bred to be.

That realization made whatever he felt toward Cloud all the more confusing. In his dreams, the blond with those startling, disarming, amazing, and beautiful blue eyes was supposed to be his freedom, his salvation, the one that stopped the demon, the one that saved the vestiges of his humanity. And for those months they spent together, talking, training, Cloud was inching ever closer to being all that, but in a way that Sephiroth had not expected. When Cloud would touch his hand to give him a cup of tea or smile in that guileless way or laugh at something Sephiroth had said or just look into his eyes, it sent a spark straight through him. Contrary to what others may have thought, Sephiroth was not a heartless man – but he never thought himself capable of the depth of emotion that Cloud seemed to bring forth in him. It was so different from the kinship he felt with Genesis and Angeal, or the guarded affection he had shared for some of his caretakers in the past, like Gast and Ilfana. It was certainly different from whatever he felt whenever he was around Dr. Hojo. This was warmer, richer. It drew him in, and Sephiroth had the distinct sense that once he surrendered to it, it would never let him go.

That sense became a certainty once he kissed Cloud, felt those lips against his own. The relief, the desire, the everything at once became overwhelming. He realized that if he did not pull away, he would find himself more than willing to burn every star out of the sky for those blue eyes. If he did not separate, he would be a single stroke from the monster he was in his dream. For if he gave in and lost Cloud, his heart would not survive it. Sephiroth would then effectively be releasing the sliver control he barely maintained on whatever humanity he now had left.

He had thought he was coming to his savior but instead, he had met his maker.

The twist of fate was too ironic, too cruel. Even more than that, it was unfair. In his dreams, Sephiroth met the man that would kill him. But in reality, he was not blind to the way Cloud looked at him, not when he himself so desired those affections. And now, after Junon, Sephiroth keenly understood what exactly he would be asking of Cloud, if things were to unravel as the nightmare suggested. It was the exact burden Genesis almost forced him to carry, a weight that Sephiroth had cast aside out of fear, the responsibility that Zack, for all his strength and his honor, had nearly broken under. In the end, though he had only brushed that pain himself, Sephiroth knew it well enough. It was something he would never wish on an enemy, let alone the young man he now cared for so deeply.

No, it was better this way. Sephiroth had been selfish in seeking Cloud out in the first place, trying to indulge his curiosity, and then clinging to him even more tightly after the fact. It was far beyond time to let go, let the man live his life. He would retreat back to the solitude he was used to, before Cloud, before Zack, before Genesis and Angeal. For everyone, for the world, that seemed safest.

Of course, it appeared that the universe had different plans. Because without so much as a warning or even a polite hello, his office door burst open, and in walked Zackary Fair, dangling a bag of Wutaian take out from his fingers.

"Well, you look like absolute shit," Zack said by way of greeting. Then, completely handwaving the fact that he was uninvited, the man added, "Ready for dinner?"

Behind Zack, one of the secretaries (the newer one, as the more experienced gentlemen had probably taken a break for dinner, which was evidently the opening Zack had been waiting for), scurried up. "Lieutenant, sir, you aren't on the calendar!"

"Yes, I am, you just forgot. Wanna tell the General about how you forgot this very important meeting?" Zack said, eyebrows wiggling.

The young woman merely squeaked and rushed out of the room in response.

"Zack," Sephiroth sighed, feeling the edges of a headache starting to rise. "She is correct that you aren't on my calendar for tonight."

"Wow, Sephiroth, I can't believe you forgot this, too! You must be working too hard." At this, the Lieutenant dropped the takeout bag on Sephiroth's desk and sauntered over to look at the computer screen. He leaned forward, pulled up the General's calendar and immediately began blocking off an hour of time with an appointment titled Feeding the Puppy, completely ignoring the fact that it conflicted with another budget meeting.

"See?" Zack said, gesturing to the screen. "Now, let's eat."

"Zack."

"I got those dumplings you like. And some noodles. And some sushi. Honestly, I got everything. You don't seem like you've been eating much these days." For emphasis, the younger man then sniffed the air around Sephiroth. "Or bathing, either. What the hell, Seph?"

"What do you want, Zack?" Sephiroth said instead. Based on the ridiculous antics, Zack appeared more determined than usual, which meant now that the best route tactically would be to get straight to the point and hopefully shorten the interaction.

Zack moved back to the other side of the desk and began brushing aside papers to make room for the food. "To talk," he responded. "Though I'm sure someone with your genius brain could have figured that one out."

"I did. I meant, what about?"

For a minute, Zack did not respond, instead settled into breaking open the food containers and handing Sephiroth a pair of chopsticks. It was only after everything was served and it was clear that there was no backing out of the dinner now, that the other man ventured, "How are you doing, you know?"

"Fine."

Zack glared back, and the sight was surprisingly intimidating. "It wasn't that long ago I had a mental breakdown in the SOLDIER lounge over what happened to Angeal and you set me straight in your office. Try again."

Sephiroth resisted the urge to sigh aloud. He had fooled himself into thinking it would be easy to go back to the way things where, when there had been distance between him and everyone else on the Planet. But along the way, he had let Zack in, and apparently, there was no going back.

"I am…better than I was before," Sephiroth began, eyes fixed at the way the steam rose off the dumplings in front of him. "Perhaps because things have been quiet, and there has been no sign or word of Genesis since."

Zack nodded thoughtfully. "Alright. Makes sense. Though even if he did do something else, try to blow up another town, it would not have been your fault."

Leave it to Zack to go for the direct route. If that was his strategy, then Sephiroth would do the same. "I broke protocol. Failed to eliminate a dangerous fugitive. Allowed him to escape. That would count as a massive blemish on any mission record."

"And yet, instead of getting punished, you got a promotion. So, I say you are doing just fine."

There was a part of Sephiroth then that nearly joked about the paperwork being a form of punishment, but he was not ready for such levity, nor could he find himself capable of it. "And yet, I feel responsible. It was my fault this all started. I should have been the one to end it."

Zack paused at that, stuck a chopstick into a dumpling in contemplation. Then, he looked up and straight at the General, with something close to fondness in his eyes. "You know, someone once told me something very important in this very room, when I was feeling the exact same things that you are feeling now. He said that I had done my best, but that in the end, they had made their choices and we had made ours."

The words began to settle between them, like a familiar song, distant at first, but growing louder and more recognizable by the second. Sephiroth was not sure what his expression looked like, but there must have been something like promise, like relief, because Zack kept pushing forward, continued, "He also told me that we could not make up for the past, only can try differently for the future. It was everything that I needed to hear in that moment. And I think, its what you need right now, too."

And there it was, finally, the echoes of their previous conversation tumbling toward them, like waves reaching the shore. Somehow, in the recognition, Sephiroth could feel the edges of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips in response. Whatever anxiety he had earlier had now tempered, and he found himself saying, half-jokingly, "I'll be frank with you. Whoever told you that had not a clue what he was talking about."

"Oh, for sure, he's absolutely clueless, about a ton of things," Zack agreed, pointing the chopsticks accusingly, playfully at the General. "But I guarantee you, not about this."

It was so easy, the confidence, the belief, it nearly quashed the question in the back of his mind of what Sephiroth had done to earn it. And yet, though that doubt remained, the silver-haired man could not help but feel a little more hopeful in return. After all, perhaps he should try and practice what he preached. It was true that the pain of Genesis's choices would sting forever. But it was also true that the fact that the man was still out there meant that there was still a chance, for things to be made right once more. It was a chance that Zack had once wished for, and one that his friend clearly would refuse to let Sephiroth give up, even if he had to lend all his strength to the cause. In the end, that was all that Zack was trying to remind him of.

Sephiroth allowed his eyes to soften, allowed himself to meet that friendly gaze. "Thank you," he said.

Zack smiled. "You're welcome."

The two began to eat for a few quiet moments, in comfortable silence. But suddenly, the questioning quirk returned to Zack's eyes, signaling that the conversation was far from over. Truthfully, Sephiroth had expected this, because he knew exactly what Zack wanted to ask about next, and the General was less keen on talking about this than he was about Genesis. Because while Zack believed he had no fault in what happened with their old friend, they both knew that was not the case when it came to this.

There was no escaping it now. When it came to enduring pain, the easiest route Sephiroth found was straight through it.

"Cloud will be promoted," Sephiroth said, putting down his chopsticks. "I signed the paperwork this morning."

Zack raised a brow, but continued chewing for a moment longer, as if swallowing both the food and the thought. He asked, "Are you going to tell him?"

Sephiroth deflected. "It would be better coming from you."

Unfortunately for the General, he was not as skilled at reading people or maneuvering a conversation as Zack was, and had not realized he had left himself wide open with his comment. His sharp Lieutenant took the opening immediately. "I agree with that now but would not have before Junon. So, tell me, what happened?"

The turnaround seemed all the quicker, given the lack of sleep and rest Sephiroth was suffering. He leaned back in his chair and shot Zack a halfway pleading look, hoping the man would drop the matter at the small show of vulnerability. But it only seemed to encourage Zack further.

"Cloud says it was his fault. But he looked hurt and you, right now, you look guilty. So, I know that's not the story."

"It is not."

"Then, what happened?"

"Zack, please."

Zack moved forward, elbows creaking on the desk. "If you won't say, I'll let you know what I think. I think that you like Cloud, far more than you like any other person. And you are too afraid to say it or do anything about it, too afraid of what might happen, of getting hurt and of hurting him in return."

There was something like cold ice in Zack's veins that was always hidden carefully behind the man's unusually warm demeanor. But there was a reason why Angeal trusted him, why Genesis respected him, and it was because those who underestimated Zack Fair usually could not afford to make that mistake more than once. That much was becoming clear to Sephiroth. He may have the advantage in rank, stature, and combat, but Zack was fearless and knowing in a way Sephiroth knew he would never be.

And a good SOLDIER always knew when he was outmatched.

"Will you call me a coward?" Sephiroth asked, his voice quiet.

"Only if you don't say it."

Then, the truth. Sephiroth bent forward, cradled his head in his hands. He tried to will his heart to slow, to be silent, but it seemed far beyond his control now. He had been avoiding this for so long, because he knew speaking it out loud would render it a reality, one that would be tangible, undeniable, alive, with all the consequences and complications it implied.

"I dreamt about him. Before I knew who he was, before you showed me his file. I dreamt about him."

Judging from the expression of complete bewilderment on Zack's face, that was not the truth the Lieutenant had expected. The younger man seemed to want to alternate between standing up and sitting down to contain his shock, leaning forward and back in his chair, jaw opening and closing shut. It made him look less like a puppy and more like a confused blowfish and the sight would have been rather amusing had not Sephiroth wished for this entire conversation, this entire evening, the anguish of it all, to end quickly.

Finally, Zack seemed to settle down, slumping in his seat. "What the – what was he doing? Uh, in your dream?"

That was not a detail Sephiroth was prepared to go into, so he opted for the vague, but honest, approach. "I was trapped, in danger, and he saved me. That's why I reacted the way I did when you showed me his photograph."

"And why you were so interested in him from the start," Zack murmured, realization dawning on him.

Sephiroth looked down at his hands. "Yes."

Suddenly, the Lieutenant's eyes hardened, accusing, protective. "What exactly were you planning, Sephiroth?"

At the quick and palpable anger, Sephiroth found himself fumbling for words and praying that he was saying the right ones. But for someone as inexperienced in matters like this as him, it was like aiming for a faraway target in complete darkness. "I was not sure. I was just trying to get more information, determine the meaning of the dreams, what he knew and what he did not. I had not expected, I had not thought that I would –"

He stopped, recognizing the trail that he was rushing down, took a few mental steps back, felt trapped, felt confused, felt overwhelmed.

For once, Zack's astuteness seemed to play to his favor, allowing the man to fill in the blanks easily. He softened. "It's alright, Sephiroth. I don't understand everything fully, but it's alright."

And yet, though he had heard the gentle response, Sephiroth's mind failed to register it, because words just continued to barrel out of him, out of control. "I never intended to hurt him. I do not want to hurt him. But I do not know what to do."

Zack darted his hand forward, placed it on Sephiroth's shoulder. "I said, it's alright. You're alright."

Another silence descended between them. Sephiroth allowed the tension to slowly ease from his body, let out a deep breath. His heart was still thumping widely and loudly, but the fringes of the panic that had been creeping up his arms and down his back seemed to now have retreated. Though it was now clearing away, for a moment, his vision felt too hazy, his head too heavy, like he had spent too much time underwater. He had not realized that he had forgotten to breathe while he was talking.

"I'm sorry," Zack said, shifting backward to give the man some space. "I didn't mean to come at you like that. It's just…that is some weird shit, you know?"

Sephiroth recognized the attempt using humor to defuse the situation and offered something similar in response. "How exactly do you think I have been feeling these past months?"

Zack barked a quick laugh. "Honestly, I was just expecting you to say that you liked Cloud, not this ridiculous soulmate dream level stuff, but hey, you never were one to do things by half measures."

The tone did not sound biting, nor insulting. Instead, it was edging back on Zack's usual cheer and optimism. Sephiroth looked up. "Then, you are not upset?"

Yet another glance of surprise from Zack, this one a little more controlled. "Upset? Maybe that you didn't say anything sooner. Then again, I guess you can't just walk up and tell a guy that you dreamt about him before meeting him in person, because that would be creepy."

"Zack."

"I'm a little jealous. It's romantic. I thought I had the whole love-at-first-sight thing down with Aerith, but this is way cooler."

The return of the Lieutenant's unrelenting teasing was a small relief, but Sephiroth still found himself inwardly groaning.

"It is not romantic. I have become far too attached to him. And most people I become attached to…" He need not finish the sentence. Genesis and Angeal would forever be memories that tied the two of them together, burned and etched like matching scars. Sephiroth knew that Zack understood.

But the other man did not tell him to back down or stay away. He did something else entirely. Zack leaned back, another happy grin on his face. "You know, someone gave me some great advice. About not being able to change the past and trying again for the future."

Sephiroth was almost tempted to laugh at that. Almost. He folded his hands, fingers intertwining with each other a little nervously. "It's more complicated than that. I cannot explain it. I am not ready to." Because how could he, when he could hardly explain what he saw in his dreams to himself?

The other man waited a moment, and it appeared that he was contemplating pushing further. But Zack seemed to think better of it, pulled back, like an enemy taking mercy. "Alright. I can live with that. But in exchange, you have to talk to Cloud. Say what you can. You at least owe him that much."

Because that was the truth, Sephiroth nodded. The prospect of that conversation filled him with a distinct sense of terror, but it needed to happen. If he had been looking for a push, this was it.

"I will. I promise."

That seemed to be enough for Zack, who smiled gently in response. Then, that smile turned into a smirk, and Sephiroth prepared himself for another eye-roll worthy comment. "Good. Now toss me more of those dumplings and let's see if I can catch them in my mouth. Your calendar says you are supposed to be feeding the puppy, after all."

This time, absolutely unreservedly, Sephiroth let himself groan out loud.