Chapter 30 - Just friends

"You guys are going out to that settlement today, right? Maybe I could come with?" Tahlia asked hopefully as she approached Daryl in the vehicle bay a couple of days later.

"Sorry, girl." replied Daryl, from under the hood of the station wagon. "Ain't got the room to take ya today."

Tahlia eyed him up for a moment. "How come you don't want me going out on runs?

"Who said anythin' 'bout that?" Daryl stood up straight to face her.

"Sasha. She told me that you asked her to make sure I didn't come out on any."

He swore under his breath.

She looked wounded. "Why? I mean, I know we spend a lot of time together, I get you're probably sick of me as it is-"

He held a hand up at that and cut her off. "Ain't sick of ya."

"Well, why then? Haven't I shown you that I'm ok out there, that I can handle the walkers as well as anyone else?" Tahlia was trying not to sound whiny, but she couldn't help feeling hurt that Daryl had given instructions to not include her on any runs. She knew she was good with her sword, and she'd taken down enough walkers in her time to be of value. Not to mention the fact that she and Daryl had become close over the past weeks, and she would happily spend all her time with him if she could, so it stung a little to know that he didn't feel the same.

Daryl sighed. "Me and you in the woods ain't the same as goin' on a supply run. We're just out there huntin' a bit, hangin' around, no real danger."

"But I can fight, you know I can. I could help on the runs. The one we went on to the gas station was ok!"

"'Sides from all the near-death experiences." he deadpanned.

"Really? Is it because of that?!"

"Naw. Ain't coz of that." Chewing on his bottom lip, Daryl tried to think of what to tell her, but she spoke up again first.

"Is it because of what happened with Isaiah?"

That was along the lines of what he had told Sasha, and it was better than trying to explain the other reason, so he nodded.

"Can't have ya puttin' yourself or the others in danger coz you don't like to see people sufferin'. Could end up goin' real bad."

"I wouldn't, I promise. I'd just do whatever you told me to." Tahlia said earnestly.

He shook his head. "You wouldn't though." he told her gently. "You wouldn't be able to make the hard calls out there. You're too soft."

She looked genuinely upset by this and he felt terrible that it was him that put that look on her face.

"I'm tough." she said in the smallest and least-tough voice he'd ever heard, and he couldn't help but chuckle.

"You ain't, girl." He smiled fondly, then added, "You're strong, but you ain't tough."

Tahlia gave a petulant huff, but a smile was never far from her face, and it was impossible for her to stay in a mood for long.

"Ugh. Fine. But you can't keep me locked up forever!" Then she grinned and punched him in the arm. "Well, good luck... and don't be soft out there."

"Never." he replied, and punched her right back, giving a little sigh as he watched her walk towards the gardens.

She was right. He couldn't keep her locked up forever. They needed more people out there, and Sasha had been on his case to bring her along, but he was managing to hold her off for the time being.

It was true, what he had just said to Tahlia. The two of them out in the woods was different – Daryl felt totally at home in that environment, and he could practically hunt and track in his sleep which meant he could keep nearly all his attention on her, stick close and keep her safe, and there was only her to look out for. But the runs were unpredictable. Although he knew she could easily take care of herself, he'd seen how careless she was with her own personal safety, and he didn't trust her to not be reckless out there, to not endanger herself for the sake of someone else.

But that wasn't the main reason.

The real issue was that she brought out a tenderness in him that he hadn't even known he possessed, turned him into a soft, gentle version of himself that he couldn't disguise. Not to mention how physically close, comfortable and affectionate they'd become with one another – something he wasn't, and had never been, with any other person in his whole life. He was still trying to get his head around all this, trying to understand why his walls were non-existent around her, trying to reconcile these two sides of himself, and he just wasn't ready for anyone else to see him like this just yet.

Furthermore, usually his mind was clear and focused out there, he was fast and ruthless when he needed to be. But all that kind of went haywire around her, and he was worried that if they were out on a group run together, he would be so focused on her that he might not make the right call, might not be able to make the quick, hard decisions that sometimes needed to be made, and he could end up putting others in danger because of his overwhelming urge to protect her.

So, no. He couldn't let her on the runs just yet.

At a bit of a loose end, Tahlia decided to go check on the animals, and found Carl brushing down the horses.

"Oh, hey! Didn't know you were in here. Shall I give you a hand?"

"Sure!" Carl smiled at her. "You can start on Winnie."

Tahlia eyed him up. "Thought that Elise would be in here with you."

"Nah, her sister needed her for something this morning. We're gonna hang out later."

"Ree-eeallly?"

Carl peeked around the horse at her. "What? She's cool."

"Yeah? Cool? Or like, cool-cool?"

"What does that even mean?" Carl narrowed his eyes.

"Well, you know," Tahlia started casually, "She's a girl, you're a boy, you kinda like her... so you might be thinking about taking things to the next level and-"

Carl's eyes widened in horror. "Oh God. Are you trying to have a birds and bees conversation with me?!"

A big grin broke out on Tahlia's face. "Uh... yeah."

"Please don't!" groaned Carl.

"Come on! Every teenager has to have at least one awkward sex conversation. You're lucky you got me! The next in line was Daryl!"

Carl just ducked his head and covered his eyes with one hand.

"Don't worry, I'll make it fun! How about some diagrams?" joked Tahlia.

His head shot up at that. "No! We really don't need to do this! I'm not thinking about... any of that."

Tahlia moved closer and perched on two stacked crates. "Maybe not right now, but at some point you might find yourself in a situation where all of a sudden that's on the cards, and then there's no time for a conversation. So, we do the talking now."

"We don't need to! I know what... what happens."

"Ok, ok. We don't have to talk about the ins and outs-" Tahlia snickered to herself at that, "-of the sex stuff-"

"Please stop saying sex." muttered Carl, cheeks aflame.

"Oh, ok. Um... bonking."

"Ugh! That's worse! So much worse!"

Tahlia laughed and waved a hand at him. "Alright, alright. All I want to say is that it's normal, natural, it can be pretty awesome, but it's totally something you should take at your own pace. Don't rush into it, take it slow, and the most important thing is that everyone is comfortable and everyone is respected. So, just be a good guy. Which I know you are. Oh, and use protection. Pregnancy is a very real consequence, and not one you'll want to be dealing with any time soon."

"Are we done?"

"Come on! It wasn't that bad! I could've made it a lot worse."

Carl let out a small laugh. "No, it wasn't." Then he frowned a little. "Did my dad put you up to this?"

"Yeah. Look." Tahlia turned serious. "The thing is, you've been through a hell of a lot, and there's a lot going on for you right now, and it's tough because there's all this other stuff going on out here too, like fighting for survival, and maybe you think that what you're going through or struggling with isn't as important as all that. And maybe us grown-ups forget that at your age we didn't have to deal with half the shit that you've had to – which, by the way, kind of makes you the strongest of all of us – and you've adapted so well to all of this, that sometimes we forget that you're still young. So, it's ok to feel like a kid and feel like an adult, and want to be both. This is kind of that weird in-between time for you. And I know you lost your mom, but you have an amazing dad who loves you more than anything, and you have all of us loving you and looking out for you too. No matter what."

Carl gave a little huff at that and dropped his gaze to the ground.

Tahlia spread her hands wide. "And you can talk to me about anything. Anything at all, any time. And, if you ever have questions about bonking-" at that, Carl lobbed the horse brush at her and it only narrowly missed her head, "-or any of that stuff, feel free to ask me. I'm pretty unshockable. You can leave me a note or something if you don't want to say it out loud. And I'll draw a diagram." She grinned at that last bit.

Carl laughed. "You're such a dork." He was silent for a moment, then gave her a smile and a nod. "Thanks though. I feel like I can. Talk to you. So, thanks."

After returning from the run that afternoon, Daryl and Glenn were heading back to the cellblock, when Daryl caught sight of Tahlia sitting across from Brody at one of the tables in the courtyard.

Glenn noticed Daryl pausing to watch them. He rolled his eyes and gave Daryl a nudge. "That guy looks like he walked straight out of a surfing magazine, huh?"

A grunt in return was all Daryl could manage.

They were too far away to hear what was being said, but it looked like Brody was doing all the talking, and Tahlia was listening intently. As they watched, from across the table, Brody took Tahlia's hand in one of his, then with his other hand started tracing a slow line up her forearm towards her elbow, eyes locked firmly on hers. Daryl's stomach gave an angry flop.

"Uh," Glenn glanced at the hunter hesitantly. "You all good with that, man?"

Daryl shot him a fierce look, bristling. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Scratching his head nervously, Glenn faltered. "Uh... coz, you know... you and her are..." Glenn's eyes widened as Daryl's narrowed. "... aren't you? I mean... you spend so much time together I just figured... no? Uh..." Glenn trailed off, trying to stop digging the hole he was falling into.

"Naw." came the hard response. "We ain't nothin'. Just teachin' her a bit in the woods. And that's it."

Swallowing hard, Daryl tore his eyes away and stomped off to his cell, feeling pissed off and confused. And jealous. Again. She'd assured him she had no interest in Brody, so why did it bother him so much? Screwing his eyes shut tight, he scrubbed his hands over his face. What the hell was going on with him? He really needed to get his shit under control.

"Hi, how did it go today?" Tahlia dropped down next to Daryl on the bench by the wall in the courtyard that evening.

"Fine." he replied shortly, taking a long drag of his cigarette and staring straight ahead.

"Find any cool stuff?" pressed Tahlia, knowing immediately that he was in a mood.

Daryl just gave an irritable shrug.

"Okaaay... what's up?"

"Nothin'."

Tahlia shifted so that she was sitting sideways on the seat, facing him. "If you don't tell me what's bothering you, I'm gonna hug it out of you. Climb on to your lap and do it right here, in front of everyone."

That made him shoot an uneasy glance her way. He had no doubt that she was fully serious about that.

"Doncha fuckin' dare."

"Well, spill, then." she replied easily, inching closer to him.

Gritting his teeth, torn between the desire to storm off and the desire to shout at her, he ended up doing neither. "See ya been hangin' out with Goldilocks." he said scornfully.

Tahlia couldn't help the look of surprise on her face at that. "Yeah, a little. He used to be a physio in his previous life, so offered to teach me about muscles and joints and all that, thought maybe it would come in handy with some of the stuff I'm learning from Hershel and Dr. S."

"Teachers normally hold their students' hands? Fuckin' frowned upon when I was at school." huffed Daryl, conveniently ignoring the amount of physical contact that they had during their time together in the woods.

Tahlia tilted her head to the side curiously. "Are you talking about earlier today when we were over there?" She pointed to the table they'd been sitting at. "He was explaining the muscles of the hand and arm, showing me what's what."

"He can't just use a damn book?" Daryl knew he sounded petulant but couldn't help it.

Shaking her head, Tahlia moved in closer to Daryl. "No, you need a body. See, like this-" She caught his elbow with one hand and cupped his shoulder. "Here's your deltoid." Tracing an inverted triangle around the muscle at the top of his arm, she continued, "It starts here, and inserts here..."

Daryl swallowed hard. Her touch was featherlight and sending shivers all the way through him.

"And it helps with this movement... and this." Moving his arm horizontal, then forward and back. "See? You need a body." Suddenly she arched a brow and ran her hand all the way down his arm. "Damn! We need your body! You can see every single muscle on these things!" she said admiringly.

Daryl snatched his arm away, a hot flush creeping up his neck, as she gave him a cheeky grin, her eyes twinkling.

"Alright, enough with the anatomy lesson." He stamped his cigarette out on the ground vigorously. "Thought ya said ya weren't into him."

"I'm not! Not at all! I'm just learning some stuff from him." insisted Tahlia. "That's it!"

Turning to face her, Daryl's expression was hard. "Already warned ya 'bout him, Tahly. Already told ya he wants more from ya and that he's gonna try take it, but ya still hangin' out with him!"

Tahlia narrowed her eyes, her defenses rising. "You're making it sound like I have no say in the matter! It takes two, you know, and I'm not interested in him like that. Anyway, wouldn't be the first time I think I'm just friends with a guy and they want to try for more. I can handle it."

"Well ya don't make it obvious y'ain't interested when you're so damn friendly and touchy. And ya let him put his hands all over ya!"

A flame of annoyance sparked inside Tahlia at Daryl's implication, and she raised her brows in challenge.

"Whatever! I'm exactly the same with him as I am with everyone else! If I thought like that, then I would never be able to just be myself and let my guard down around anyone!" She raised her eyebrows and her hands as she started rattling off examples. "Better not hug anyone ever again just in case they think it means something more. Better not do yoga with Rick in case the poses might be too suggestive. And I definitely better not spend any more time alone with you in the woods, because that's just asking for it, right? Better not sit too close to you on your bike - oh God, I'd better not let you draw on me just in case you take it as an invitation!"

It was all meant tongue-in-cheek just to prove how ridiculous Daryl's argument was, but it was only after the words were out of her mouth did she realise how accusatory it sounded.

Daryl looked horrified. "Wait, ya don't think that I would-?"

"No!" said Tahlia quickly. "I didn't mean you-"

"-coz I wouldn't! Would never-" cut in Daryl, his tone laced with disgust at the thought of being tarred with the same brush as Brody, a guy who clearly had only one thing on his mind when it came to Tahlia.

"- I know, I really didn't-" Tahlia picked up on his tone, slightly wounded that he sounded so repulsed by the suggestion of hitting on her.

"- ain't no way I'd ever even think 'bout-"

"-no, I know! You're not like that -"

"-we're friends, Tahly, that's it, and I don't want ya thinkin'-"

"-yes! Friends! Honestly, I don't think -"

Their words were tripping over one another as they raced to try and convince each other that they were, and would stay, firmly in the friend zone.

"Y'ain't gotta worry 'bout nothin' like that with me, Tahly. Promise ya. We're friends. I would never, never-"

"I know!" Tahlia interrupted, not sure how many more times she could listen to Daryl reiterating that he absolutely did not see her like that. "I'm sorry, I don't even know why I said that. I didn't mean anything by it, I swear. Has never even crossed my mind with you. I know we're just friends, and I absolutely trust in that. In you."

"'Kay." nodded Daryl carefully, a wary frown creasing his brow as he studied her face to make sure she meant that. "Coz ya can... trust me."

"Tahlia! Can I borrow you for a minute?" Carol's call cut across the courtyard, and Tahlia stood up quickly, grateful for the interruption.

"I'd better-" She gestured in Carol's general direction. "We're good, yeah?"

Daryl nodded again.

"Ok. Good. Catch you later."

As he watched her walk away, Daryl wondered if, in his haste to hammer his 'friends' point home, his underlying meaning had been lost, if maybe he should have been a little clearer. But how else could he have said it? He wouldn't be able to stand it if she thought even for a second that he had been orchestrating alone time with her just so he could take advantage.

Anyway, it wasn't like he had been dishonest with her. They were friends. Regardless of anything else going on in his head. Regardless of his intense attraction to her. Because those things had nothing to do with their friendship. Hand on heart, he could say that the reason he spent so much time with her was because he genuinely enjoyed her company, he respected her, cared about her, and he liked the way she made him feel. Lighter, happier, the best version of himself.

He had been around men who saw women as objects – his brother included - his whole life. Men who judged a woman's worth by how fuckable they were. Daryl was not that kind of guy, never had been. He would never try to get close to a girl in the hope that he might get a little more. And would never think that just because he was close to a girl that gave him the right to try it on.

And he needed Tahlia to know that.

For her to know without a doubt that he wasn't like Brody or other guys that she had to watch herself around, that she could trust him, that she was safe with him, that he would always be her friend first. He needed her to know that he wasn't the kind of guy that would ever just make a move on her without knowing for certain that's what she wanted too. He would never force her hand.

So, really, despite his growing feelings for her, they were friends. That much was true.

Lying in bed that night, Tahlia was still smarting from the jarring memory of Daryl definitively telling her that they were just friends. She knew she'd been an idiot to have said those things about their alone time together, to even joke about how close they were and imply that he would ever think that there was something more, would even want something more. At least now she had heard directly from his mouth that he would never, never – God, he had been so adamant! - see her as more than a friend.

Not that he had said those exact words, but he didn't have to. His meaning had been clear.

Of course, she knew that's what they were at the heart of things, and it wasn't like she had expected there to be anything more. Their hard-forged friendship was incredibly important to her. She had never imagined that they would spend so much time together, that being around him would feel so easy and natural, that they would grow so close. It was clear that he didn't trust easily, that he kept his walls high and fortified to keep people out (not like her walls that had been rubble for years, a big sign sitting askew on the debris welcoming every fucking passerby in for a cup of tea). But he had let her in, allowed her access to the carefully guarded beautiful gems inside, and she would protect their unexpected friendship fiercely.

But.

Of late, there had been something more burgeoning inside her.

She couldn't help the flurry of butterflies when she thought of him, the way her skin tingled when he was near, the way she flamed and melted simultaneously under his touch. She couldn't help that she thought he was amazing - so strong and steady and good-hearted and unexpectedly sweet and thoughtful. She couldn't help that she felt more comfortable with him than she had with any other man, that she trusted him implicitly. She couldn't help that she had started wanting more from him, wanting all of him. And she couldn't help that sometimes she thought she saw it - in a look, in a touch, in a word – a spark, a something from him that made her wonder if more than friendship was on his mind too.

But now he'd made it clear that she was wrong about that last one, and the bitter sting of disappointment was still burning in her stomach.

Although, the more she thought about it, it was probably a good thing. Because a friendship could last forever, but relationships...

It was fair to say that Tahlia's love life had always been a bit of a mess. Given her open, friendly personality and her tactile nature, she had often found herself going from close friends with a guy to more than friends in a slip-sliding hurry, without even meaning to. She was a romantic at heart, an advocate of big love – just not for herself. She'd always found herself scrambling away from it when it threatened to come too close - better to get out before she was in too deep and avoid the opportunity for someone else she loved to discover that she wasn't enough for them, to leave her. And as much as she tried not to, didn't mean to, she left a string of tattered relationships and tattered hearts in her wake.

So that in itself was a big, flashing neon warning as to why she could never get involved with Daryl anyway, even if he had wanted her. Because it felt like he was someone that she could really fall for, if she let herself. A gasping, heart-stopping freefall with no end in sight. And given her history, that would only end one way – her bolting; him hurting. And she would be damned if she hurt that man. God knows he'd had enough of it in his life.

So yes, it was better this way. Having him in this capacity was better than risking not having him at all. At least now they both knew where they stood – firm friends, only friends, and they could relax in the knowledge that they could stay as close as they were without having to worry about anything they did being misconstrued as an indication of something more by the other.