Chapter 32 - Damn feelin's

Thankful to be back at the prison and away from the intensity of that morning with Tahlia, Daryl was planning on spending the afternoon tinkering with the vehicles, when Carol came wandering down the hill to see him.

"Hey! How you doing?" she greeted him.

"Not bad. You?" Daryl stood up as she approached.

"Yeah, alright. Things seem to be ticking over nicely around here at the moment. What's that on your arm?"

"Uh..." Daryl glanced down at the smudged lettering on his forearm. "Nothin' really. Just a... nothin'."

"Right." Carol narrowed her eyes curiously but decided to let it go. "Hey, you been out in the woods today already?"

"Yeah, this mornin'. Why?"

"I was just coming to ask if next time you go out you could collect some willow branches maybe? Like, long thin ones, sticks?

Daryl shrugged. "Sure. What for?"

"Eleanor wants to make a wreath thing for Amos and Della, apparently their 50th wedding anniversary is sometime around now."

Daryl had a soft spot for the older residents of Woodbury, especially Eleanor, so was more than happy to oblige. "Ya wanna come with? We could shoot out now, if ya like?"

Carol smiled. She could use a change of scenery, and it had been a while since she'd been on the back of Daryl's bike. "Sounds good."

As they trekked through the trees, Daryl shot a look at Carol out of the corner of his eye. "Somethin' on ya mind?"

His voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and she took a deep breath.

"Yeah. Sophia, actually. It's her birthday at the beginning of summer, but it had slipped my mind until yesterday. How could I ever forget that? Makes me feel so guilty. There was a time when all I thought about was her, but now... now it feels like I'm a different person, and I've let her drift away a little, like I'm filling up her space in my head with other things, other people, and..." Carol trailed off, not entirely sure how to voice what she was feeling.

Daryl was silent for a long moment as he considered this, then said, "She ain't driftin' away. Just movin' back a bit to a different space in your head, givin' ya room to keep livin', to keep ya heart full with other people and other things. But she ain't never gonna drift away from ya. She'll always be your little girl. You'll grow, change, but ain't nothin' gonna change that."

Carol stopped walking and looked up at him, a little overcome by that statement.

"God, sometimes I forget how insightful you can be. You're real good at saying the right thing." Wiping at her eyes, a little smile quirked her lips. "Gives me the warm and fuzzies."

"Stop." Daryl rolled his eyes and gave her a little shove. "C'mon, couple of willows just through here."

"Ooh!" Carol exclaimed from behind him. "Speaking of warm and fuzzies-"

"We ain't." cut in Daryl, but Carol just smirked and carried on.

"Tell me pookie... what is going on with you and a certain green-eyed temptress, hmm?"

Daryl just grunted, hoping that would be enough to put an end to this line of conversation.

It wasn't.

"You've been spending a lot of time with her. I thought she wasn't your type." goaded Carol.

"Ain't like that. Just friends."

"Don't forget that I see her most afternoons." Carol reminded him. "I always ask her what she's been up to, and the answer usually includes something to do with you…"

"Just bring her out to collect shit for Hershel. Here, look willow trees."

"Aaaannnd…..?"

Daryl whirled around to glower at Carol. "Can we not do this?!"

"We're doing it, whether you like it or not. So talk."

"Ain't nothin' to say! Friends, I told ya."

"You're sweet on her, huh?" grinned Carol, propping her hands on her hips. "I've seen the way you look at her, the way you are with her. You two have some serious chemistry-"

Daryl's brow flickered at that last comment.

"- so don't deny that there isn't something more going on. Not to me."

"Ain't like that!"

Carol gave a disbelieving snort. "You're trying to tell me that in all of those hours that you two have spent out here alone in the woods, that nothing has happened?! Nothing at all?!"

Daryl was starting to get pissed off. After his thoughts of Tahlia had been spinning out of control that morning, the last thing he wanted was to be grilled about his very confusing feelings for her. "Naw!"

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Well, when are you going to do something about it? Make a move?"

"Would ya just get off my damn case?!" snapped the hunter, hacking a bough from the tree. "How many times I gotta say it ain't damn well like that!"

"But why not? It's obvious that you like her - a lot. Never thought I'd see you like this with anyone."

Daryl huffed but didn't bother to deny it. Carol knew him better than anyone, except Tahlia now, and was a pro at reading him.

"And she likes you-"

"It's Tahly. She likes everyone."

"Come on, Daryl, don't be so-"

"This ain't no goddamn fairy tale! It don't work like that! Shit's more complicated."

Carol grew serious. "If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that in this world, people can be snatched from you in an instant. Gone. Just like that, and then you never get a chance to have another moment with them. All the things you wish you'd said, done – that hangs around you. The regret. What if she were gone tomorrow? What if she went on a run and never came back?"

Daryl's throat constricted and it felt like a carpet had been pulled from under him.

The panic must have shown on his face, because Carol nodded. "See? It could happen. She could be gone. So, if you have the chance for something real, something beautiful with someone, then you need to reach out and grab it right now, because you never know what tomorrow will bring."

"You a damn philosopher now?" grumbled Daryl, although his heart was racing and his gut churning at her words.

"I know it feels scary to put yourself out there, but- "

"Ya don't get it!" Daryl interrupted suddenly. "Can't! Even if I wanted to. Promised her."

"Promised her what?"

"Promised her we're just friends. That she can trust me. That we can hang out and she ain't gotta worry 'bout me... y'know... crossin' the line. Ain't gonna break her trust."

"Do you think that's actually what she wants? Just friendship?"

Daryl snorted disdainfully. "That girl can't keep the thoughts in her head from coming out her mouth, so doncha think that if she wanted somethin' from me she woulda just blurted it out by now? She ain't. So she don't. C'mon, help me with these branches."

Carol wasn't so easily deterred. "Maybe you should just try talking to her about it and-"

"And what?!" demanded Daryl. "Say somethin' and find out she don't feel the same? Then what we got changes and we ain't gonna be close no more coz she'd be thinkin' I might get the wrong idea or somethin'. Ain't worth the risk. Ain't gonna lose a friend just coz of some damn feelin's that'll no doubt go away soon enough if I leave 'em alone."

Carol's eyebrows shot up in surprise at his honesty. She had suspected for a while that Daryl was harbouring a huge crush on Tahlia, but she certainly hadn't thought he'd ever admit to it.

"Daryl, don't you think-"

He spun around and held a hand up. "Stop! Don't wanna talk 'bout this no more. Just leave it, alright? Now collect up them sticks and I'll cut more down from the other side."

The soundtrack to the rest of their outing was silence set over the sounds of nature.

Daryl had closed off after that conversation, and aside from a few surface-level remarks, he made it clear that he wasn't in the mood for any more chat, and Carol, used to his moods, used to him, was fine with that. She knew that Daryl did not respond well to being pushed, and the best course of action when he was like this was just to leave him be, and he would come around eventually. She also knew that for him to have descended into such a mood so quickly meant that his 'damn feelin's' for Tahlia must be a lot stronger than she'd suspected.

When they arrived back at the prison, they carried their sticks up to the courtyard.

"You good?" Carol nudged Daryl as they set their bundles down.

He chewed his lip for a bit, then nodded. "Yeah. I'm good."

"Nice to hang out for a bit today."

"Yeah. Was. Do it again soon." Then he gave her a little shove and a half-smile. "Long as ya don't ask me no more stupid questions."

Carol chuckled at that. "Ok. No more of those questions. I'll leave all that be."

"Thanks." he said quietly.

"Ok. I've got story time with the kids now, but I'll go and find Eleanor and let her know this is waiting here for her."

"'Kay. I'ma go find some wire and cutters for her."

By the time Daryl returned, Eleanor was already sitting at the picnic table sorting through the sticks.

"Thank you so much for this!" she enthused when Daryl took a seat opposite her. "I really appreciate it. So am thinkin' I'm gonna make a big wreath outta these here sticks, then weave these flowers I been dryin' into it, then I have a battery powered lantern that I want to hang in the middle. What do ya think?"

"Sounds like a plan. Give y'a hand if ya like?"

Eleanor gave him a warm smile. "I'd love that."

Daryl cut a few pieces of wire as Eleanor started stripping the greenery from the branches.

"Ain't it beautiful that Della and Amos made it to fifty years married? A half century is a darned long time to spend with someone. Y'know, me and Ray made it to 53 years. Before all this mess. Thank the Lord he wasn't around to see the world the way it is now. And although he ain't here to tell anyone different, I'd say it was a very happy 53 years. We had love from the beginning right up until the end. Things change, of course, people change – we weren't the same two little spring chickens by the end of it all, but we were lucky and seemed to always be changin' to go in the same direction. Stayed my best friend right up until the day he died. Wouldn't trade a second of my life with him for anythin'."

She was silent for a misty minute as she thought about her late husband, then focused back on Daryl. "Y'ever married, son? Or anythin' close to it?"

Daryl shot Eleanor a skeptical glance and a snort then turned back to securing the base of the wreath. "I look like the marryin' type, El? I look like husband material?"

She took that question seriously, and sat back in her chair, pushing her glasses up on her nose as she surveyed the man across from her for a long moment. "Think ya do."

Daryl couldn't help but scoff at that. "Naw. I ain't. It ain't for me."

"Thing is though," replied Eleanor softly, "It's an awful nice feelin' to be tied to someone ya love. And to know that they wanna tie themselves to ya right back."

"I ain't the kinda guy a girl would wanna tie herself to." said Daryl assuredly as he fitted another branch onto the wreath.

"Pfft! You most certainly are. I woulda been over the moon if my Ada had found a nice man like you!"

Daryl looked up at her again, but this time in disbelief, and held her gaze. "Can't try tell me that if Ada showed up with me on her arm that Ray wouldn'ta been reaching straight for his shotgun."

Eleanor laughed and waved a hand at him. "'Course he woulda. But that's just daddies and their little girls, ain't it? Ain't gonna be no man on the face of the earth good enough in a daddy's eyes! But he woulda come round. And I couldn't ask for a better man for her. I mean, sure I'd be askin' ya to have a haircut and a hot shower, but other than that..."

Daryl laughed at her frankness, but also felt surprisingly touched by her sentiment.

"You're a good man, Daryl."

He flushed and dropped his gaze again. "Ya just sayin' that coz ya need me to help ya hang this here wreath."

Eleanor chuckled. "Naw. I'm just sayin' it like it is."

Daryl was on watch that evening, which was a good thing because after today he seriously needed some alone time before his head exploded. He couldn't believe that he'd admitted to Carol that he had feelings for Tahlia. He'd barely admitted it to himself.

Feelings.

What fucking stupid things they were, anyway.

He'd always been able to wrangle them in the past. Ever since the first time his momma chose the bottle over him. Ever since the first time his daddy told him he wished he'd never been born. And ever since all those other awful first times and everything else that followed.

So, he learned how to grab hold of them, tame them, tie them down so tightly they couldn't touch him again. This time should be no different.

Except, it was.

Because all that stuff before had been borne from suffering, pain, disappointment. Sharp shards shot from a place of darkness. But everything that Tahlia evoked came from light. Sparks of warmth and brilliant, popping colour.

And he didn't know how to deal with that.

He didn't want to feel these things for her, didn't welcome it, didn't enjoy his world spinning like he'd had way too much to drink. Part of him wondered if it wasn't just his brain getting its wires crossed and short-circuiting as it tried to make sense of why he was suddenly having the most consistent physical contact with an attractive female he'd ever had in his entire life, and yet no sex. And in that case, he'd just need to wait it out, and soon enough his brain would calm down, straighten out, thoughts of her would reduce from a roiling boil to just a regular simmer and he'd be able to function normally again.

But deep down, he knew it wasn't as simple as that. Because just thinking of her made him feel warm all over, like the sun was blazing on his back. And when he wasn't with her, he had that feeling that something wasn't right, like that niggle in the back of your mind when you couldn't remember if you'd locked the front door. Then he'd see her, and breathing was easy again. He felt complete.

It was all just so confusing.

Why her? Why now?

He wasn't one to get tied in knots over a girl. Never had been.

The longest relationship - if you could actually call it that – was a few months of seeing Courtney Foster back in his 20's. He'd ended up with her because he was sick of Merle calling him Darlina and going on about his lack of game with girls, and she was clearly into him, so he just kind of let it happen. They didn't really do much together other than hang out at the bar with their friends, or go to her house to have sex - which Daryl hadn't found to be all that gratifying anyway because she made too many over-enthusiastic noises even when he wasn't doing much of anything to her.

He'd tried with her. He really had, but if he were honest, he hadn't really felt anything around her at all - except extreme boredom from having to listen to her gossip about people or recount the latest scandals on reality tv shows. When he found out that she'd slept with Merle's friend Cooper, he'd actually been relieved – it had given him an easy out. He'd enjoyed beating the shit out of Cooper more than he'd enjoyed any minute with Courtney. She'd cried and told him she'd only done it to get him to pay more attention to her, and begged him to take her back, but he'd happily refused.

He'd slept with a fair few other girls over the years - none more than a couple of times - mostly to save himself from Merle's merciless teasing, and mostly when wasted, but the encounters just left him feeling empty. He'd never met anyone he was that into. Never connected with anyone before. He figured it was just him, that there was something broken inside him, that he just wasn't capable of deep feelings, of love, because he had never really been loved himself.

Normal, functional, loving relationships weren't something that he'd seen much of in his previous life anyway, so it had never bothered him, never really played on his mind.

Until now.

Out here in this world, he'd been exposed to love and relationships more than ever before, and all the different stages: In the first sparks of romance between Tyreese and Karen; in watching Maggie and Glenn fall for one another; in the depth of devotion Rick had felt for Lori; and in the reverent way that Hershel spoke of his wives.

And he'd felt a twinge of dejection that he'd never experience any of that, an envy that he wasn't capable of those feelings, a sadness that he wasn't worth that to anyone.

But Tahlia had awoken something inside him, something that had lain dormant his whole life. And he didn't know what that something meant yet, or how the hell to deal with it.

God, Merle would have a field day if he could see him now.

He could practically hear his brother's mocking drawl in his head:

"Look at ya. Pussy-whipped and ain't even gettin' no damn pussy, ya dumbass piece of shit. Ain't I warned y'off catchin' feelin's, baby brother? Ain't done no damn good for no man."

He also knew what Merle's remedy to his ailment would be: Fuck her. Just fuck her good and hard and get her outta your system. Empty out that damn box she's opened.

But even as that thought arose, so did the guilt and Daryl prayed to anyone who'd listen for forgiveness. Because he wasn't like that.

As if he could just fuck her anyway.

Like it would mean nothing.

Like it wouldn't mean everything.

Heaving a huge sigh, he drew his hands down his face and lit a cigarette. The tangled mess inside him was no closer to being unraveled.

So.

Where did that leave things?

The bottom line was that he wasn't going to stop hanging out with her. Wouldn't. Couldn't. She was still, quite honestly, the best and brightest thing in his life. They'd agreed they were friends, so he would just carry on in that vein, and do his best to push everything else aside, lock it all away until it eventually evaporated.

Thank you to anyone still reading!

Stay tuned for a lil bit of D&T fluff :)