Amy, ChooseJoy & Polkadox... for yoouuu! And loving everyone else who is jumping onboard this rambling ship! Love to hear from you, and love to know that you are reading!
Chapter 39 - The clearing
After an early morning hunt and a nervous lap around the perimeter of the prison, Daryl decided it was finally time to go and bring Tahlia back to him.
Drag her back if that's what it took.
Motoring down to the animal pens on the Triumph, Daryl stopped a few yards away from where Rick and Tahlia were throwing scraps to the pigs.
Both she and Rick looked over to him at the same time, and Daryl held her gaze for a long moment before giving a little nudge of his head.
C'mon.
Tahlia didn't move for a long while, then Rick gently took the bucket she was holding, and laid a hand on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze and then a light push in Daryl's direction, before walking off to the goat shelter.
With a deep breath, she wiped her hands on her pants in apprehension then made her way over to him, their eyes never leaving one another the whole time.
Arriving next to the bike, she hesitated.
"Y'afraid to go back out there?" asked Daryl quietly, indicating the world beyond the prison.
Tahlia thought about that for a moment. She was, a little.
But the truth was still this: "Not if I'm with you."
Daryl chewed on his lip as he nodded, then nudged his head again.
Swinging up behind him on the bike, Tahlia made sure to keep a little space between them and hooked her fingers into the beltloops at the back of his pants.
Without looking back, Daryl reached down with both hands, grabbed hers, and pulled her closer, tugging her arms tight around his waist. He felt her resist for a split second as he gunned then engine, then she melted into him, leaning her head against his back and clinging to him like he was her life ring in a tumultuous sea as they sped off beyond the prison fences.
He rode far and he rode fast.
He knew she loved the speed – if there was a way to loosen her up and make her soul soar, then this was it. And God, he couldn't deny it, it felt so damned good to have her molded against him again. Eventually he doubled back to find the dirt road they had travelled when they had caught the goats. He'd already come up this way earlier that morning and used boltcutters to sever the lock on the gate and leave it open so he could ride his bike straight through. He'd also done a sweep of the area to put down any walkers and was hoping they didn't come across any more today – he wanted to shield her from death and danger just for a little while, wanted to show her only beauty and peace.
The bike made it halfway up the steep track before it started to struggle and they had to ditch it, the rest would be on foot. Wordlessly, Tahlia slipped off the bike and followed Daryl through the bush, no questions asked.
As they trekked up the hill, a couple of glances at her was enough to note the bloodshot lines in her eyes, the dark purple smudges beneath, the sag in her shoulders, the cloud of weariness weighing her down.
"Y'ain't been sleepin'."
It was a statement, not a question, so Tahlia didn't bother to protest, shaking her head instead.
"Nightmares." she told him with an empty smile.
Daryl wasn't surprised. She'd already alluded to nightmares in the past, and now he knew why she had them. Of course they'd be plaguing her more than ever since her carefully buried trauma had been unearthed, and it tore at him to think of her alone in the dark, afraid to sleep.
What Tahlia didn't tell him was that she'd found herself in a bit of a predicament. When she slept, the nightmares gripped her so strongly that when she was in them she felt like she was drowning and couldn't get to the surface to save herself. So, she stayed awake as much as she could to stave off the clutching fingers of the terrible dreams. Which meant that she was totally exhausted, so when she did sleep, she slept much deeper than usual, making it much harder to wake from the nightmares when they came.
Four nights now of barely any rest was starting to take its toll.
They carried on in silence to the top of the hill, Tahlia shedding all thoughts of her nightmares as they emerged from the trees and the sunlight cleansed her mind.
"The goats!" Tahlia smiled at the memory. "Seems like such a long time ago."
Daryl nodded. It did seem like a long time ago. Way back when they barely knew each other. And now look at them. Inextricably bound.
Up here on higher ground, the glade was filled with a carpet of wildflowers under their feet, and they could see for miles over the sprawling woods, something Tahlia hadn't noticed last time because she had been preoccupied with capturing the animals. The sky stretched out before them, cornflower blue, the world lounging below.
"I didn't realise how beautiful this place was!" breathed Tahlia, stretching her arms above her head and closing her eyes for a moment, feeling like she had space and wasn't closed in by walls or walkers for the first time in a long time. "God, I love it here. It makes me feel so peaceful, like my head is clearing already."
Daryl could see the relaxation unfolding over her and knew that he'd done the right thing to bring her here. Giving her a few moments on her own to breathe, he wandered a few feet away and pulled a blanket out of his pack and laid it on the grass, dropping down onto his back, hands behind his head, eyes flickering shut against the bright sunlight.
Eventually he heard the rustle of grass as Tahlia approached and sat down next to him on the blanket.
"You came prepared." she commented. "Thanks for bringing me here, it was a really nice idea."
"Wanted to remind ya that even though there's ugly stuff out there, most of it's still beautiful." he said huskily.
With a choked huff, Tahlia gazed down at the shut-eyed man next to her, floored yet again by his unexpected tenderness. He always knew exactly how to reach her, exactly what to say. Uncontrollable emotion rose in her and spilled out via silent tears. Roughly, she swiped a hand across her face, gazing out at the expanse of the woods for miles around.
Daryl peeked up at her through one eye. "Damn, don't tell me ya cryin'. Y'always gotta make it weird."
Tahlia laughed through her tears, then punched him in the ribs, making him jerk to the side reflexively. "You have the most beautiful fucking soul, Dixon."
"Shut up, girl." he replied affectionately, smiling up at her.
She smiled right back as she crossed her legs, took a deep breath in and scrubbed a forearm across her face, wiping the last of her tears away.
Daryl picked a daisy from the grass and gently laid it on her knee.
They sat in silence for a long while, then Daryl pushed himself up to sit, tucking his arms around his knees.
"Ya been avoidin' me."
Tahlia sighed, but nodded, and looked over at him. "Yeah."
"Why?" He couldn't help the note of sadness in his tone.
"I just..." Tahlia gazed out at the horizon and sighed again. "Because it's you, Daryl, and of all people, I didn't want you to know any of that... but now you do... and... I just don't want you to... to see that. I don't want you to look at me like I'm... broken."
"Tahly." He gave her a little push on the shoulder. "That ain't what I see. Ain't never gonna see that. God, Tahly, I just see... you're just... fuck, I don't even got the words. But they'd all be good ones if I did."
"I can see it in your face." Tahlia said quietly. "Like... pity, or something."
"Naw. That ain't pity. Not at all." Daryl chewed his lip. "Ain't gonna lie, Tahly, hate knowin' ya went through that – shit, girl, ya saw what I was like after I found out 'bout your damn dog! So this... yeah, this was..." he gave a slow shrug. "Just hurtin' for ya. But just like you been sayin' to me since day one, none of that defines ya. It's still you. Me and you, Tahly. Ain't nothin' gonna change that."
Tahlia was touched by his sentiment, but a frown creased her forehead. "But I was so fucking useless. Again. And you had to see me like that."
"No ya fuckin' weren't!" flared Daryl. "Give ya'self a damn break! You're as strong as they come. Already told ya - so damn proud of ya."
"But if you hadn't been there... I mean, I couldn't even do anything... you had to do it all for me."
"And I'm glad of it, Tahly!" replied Daryl fiercely. "I couldn't protect ya from that motherfucker first time 'round, so I'm real damn glad I got to end him for ya. Least I could do that much. And y'know what girl, anyone even looks at ya the wrong way from now on, I'ma kill them too."
Tahlia smiled at that because she knew he was serious and it was just an amazing feeling to have someone so staunch in her corner.
Then Daryl got to his feet and stood over her for a second before reaching for her hand to pull her up.
"Deal with all this however ya need, but just don't shut me out 'gain, 'kay? I'm gonna stick right here next to ya, help ya, whatever ya need." he told her sincerely as she stood. "Tahly! Why ya cryin' again?!"
Tahlia let out a choked laugh and pushed weakly at his chest. "Stop it! You know I can't handle you being so damned sweet!"
"And y'know I can't handle ya callin' me that!" growled Daryl with a smile, then pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her.
"C'mere. Cry all ya want. Just don't go snottin' all over my shirt."
Burying her face in his neck, Tahlia made sure to do an extra big sniff against him which earned her a sharp slap on the butt, and she chuckled, knowing now that despite her worries, nothing had changed between them.
"I'm sorry." she mumbled. "For avoiding you. I'm really sorry that-"
"Shh, girl. We're good. C'mon."
Daryl caught Tahlia's hand and led her down the slope towards the tree line. He hadn't intended to keep hold of her hand the whole way, but hadn't gotten around to letting go yet, so it seemed like a good idea as any to just leave things the way they were as they ambled side by side into the woods, and damn if holding onto her didn't seem like the most natural thing in the world. They wound through the trees a little way until they came to a quiet stream, where Daryl reluctantly released his grip on her as he sifted around the bank for a couple of minutes, then turned around and held out a handful of smooth, flat stones.
"Wanna skim?"
"Yes!"
Tahlia took a stone from his outstretched hand and tossed it straight at the water, where it sunk with a plop.
"The hell?" Daryl stared at her. "Ain't ya never skimmed before?"
Tahlia shrugged. "Didn't that count as one skip?"
Daryl shook his head. "Ya gotta hold your hand like-" He held a stone between his thumb and forefinger, then with a flick of his wrist, bounced it six times across the surface of the water.
Tahlia rolled her eyes. "Show off." she said, with a barely suppressed smile.
"Here." He pulled her towards him, and fitted another stone into her hand, one of his hands gently resting on her hip, the other over top of her hand to demonstrate the action. "Try again."
She flicked her wrist as best as she could, and the stone managed three skips before it sunk into the water. Her mouth dropped open and she shot him a look of exaggerated excitement before raising her arms and doing a victory lap around the nearest tree.
The corners of his mouth twitched at her foolishness, and he gave her an affectionate shove as she arrived back next to him, handing her another couple of skimmers.
"You're a jackass."
When it was clear that Tahlia managing three skips was just a stroke of luck and she was just getting frustrated instead of getting the hang of skimming, Daryl, through his laughter, indicated the flat spot at the base of an old tree nearby.
"Hey. Sit. Brought ya somethin'."
Tahlia dropped down obediently and then her face lit up as she caught sight of the jar he pulled from his pack.
"Peanut butter! Yay!"
"Wait." He then pulled out a jar of pickles. "Pickles and peanut butter, ya weirdo."
Tahlia beamed at him. "Amazing! Where did you find these?"
He just shrugged as he leaned back against the tree trunk and opened the pickles for her.
"Ok, you have to try this. Here." She scooped some peanut butter onto the end of a pickle and passed it to him.
Daryl gave her a wary look, then accepted, taking a tentative bite.
"So?"
"Just as gross as I thought it would be." grinned Daryl, going in for another scoop.
"Gross?! I've seen you eat pig's feet!" laughed Tahlia.
"They're packed fulla nutrition!" asserted Daryl, then pulled some crackers from his bag. "Lucky I brought back up snacks too."
As they ate, Tahlia scrubbed the heel of her hand hard into her eye, her eyes stinging a little from lack of sleep.
Daryl watched her, worry creasing his brow. "Need to rest, girl."
"I'm fine. Just need to keep moving." she replied brightly, making to get up.
"Naw. Rest. C'mere."
"What?"
"Feel like drawin'."
"Oh. Ok." she shrugged and scooted closer to him, holding out her arm.
"Naw, here. Like The Highwayman." He guided her to shuffle in front of him, gently turning her and drawing her into him so that her back was against his chest, his knees bent on either side of her, and he lifted her right arm to rest on his right thigh.
"This ok?" he asked lowly, gazing down as her head dropped back against his shoulder.
She let out a contented sigh. "Feels safe." she said quietly.
"Is. Gonna keep ya safe."
He tucked his left arm around her shoulder and over her chest to hold her tight, as he pulled the pen tip off with his teeth and started to doodle on her right arm.
Tahlia wondered how it was possible for another person to make her feel whole. How, with Daryl, she felt like the truest, fullest version of herself that she'd ever been. The satisfaction of completeness like fitting the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle into place.
And she'd thought that it was a good idea to avoid him. As if all the time they'd spent together meant nothing. As if they hadn't built something solid and unwavering between them. As if he weren't the kind of person who would accept someone for every piece of who they were, dark and light.
Michonne was right. She was an idiot sometimes.
Her feelings for him were burning brighter and hotter than ever, but she knew she needed to just sit on them for a while longer because she didn't want anything with him to be tangled up in any way with recent events. She needed to get her head on straight first and make sure there was enough space between what they had just gone through and what might yet come.
But that was ok, because what she had with him right now felt pretty close to perfect.
As Daryl drew, out of the corner of his eye he could see her eyes half-shutting, her blinking slow and heavy.
Still concentrating on the flowers he was drawing around her elbow, he said, "Stop fightin' it. Just sleep."
Tahlia gave a lazy half-smile. "No, I'm just resting."
"I got ya." he murmured without taking his eyes from her arm.
Finishing the vines that curled all the way from her shoulder to her knuckles, he saw that she was finally asleep, her head resting in the crook of his shoulder and arm, her face tilted towards the sky, her expression soft and peaceful. He watched her for a long moment, barely able to resist the urge to kiss her forehead. He continued drawing, slower and more careful now, not wanting to wake her. Only when her entire arm was adorned with vines and flowers and there was no room for any more, did he put the pen down.
Abruptly, her eyelids started fluttering and her body stiffened, and he quickly wrapped his other arm around her, holding her tight.
When she woke, it was sudden and all at once. Her eyes just sprang open and locked straight onto his, a ragged gasp ripping from her chest.
"I got ya." he said again, seeing her eyes refocus and feeling her body relax as she slowly realised she was in his arms.
Tahlia stared up at him as her breathing evened out. "Shit. I fell asleep."
Daryl's lips twitched at the obviousness of her comment. "Yeah. Ya did. Do it again if ya like."
"No. No thanks."
"That a nightmare?" he asked with concern.
"Is it a nightmare if it's daytime?" she replied lightly.
"Tahly." he said sternly, not about to let her brush it off with a joke. `
She conceded. "Yeah. It was starting. But I wasn't that deep under yet. Worse at night. Can't get out of them."
"Go back to sleep now then, while I got ya."
She shook her head and shifted against him a little. "Don't want to. But... you're really comfortable. I also don't want to move."
"Then don't." he replied, softly. "Ain't in no rush."
But then she noticed her arm and she sat up with a start, breaking his grip around her, moving so she was side-on to him.
"You gave me a sleeve!" she declared happily, lifting her arm up to admire his art. "This is so amazing! I love it!" She traced her finger down a vine on her forearm, then looked up at him wistfully. "I wish everything you'd drawn on me was permanent."
"Wouldn't be an inch of ya left if it were."
"Then I'd just have to start on you. Cover you in poetry."
"Like fuck ya would."
Tahlia laughed. "I know you secretly love it."
"Do fuckin' not. I just put up with your batshit craziness."
"I know you definitely love my batshit craziness! Imagine how boring all your trips to the woods would have been over all of this time if I hadn't been there?"
"Probably woulda been more productive." he said drily.
"Whatever. Threatening me and jamming your crossbow in my neck that day in the storeroom was the best decision you ever made, Dixon. See how rich your life is now?" she said with a huge grin. "I know that you-" Tahlia stopped mid-sentence as she clocked his sudden pained expression, the knot of his brow, the anguish shining in his eyes.
"What?! Daryl, what's wrong?" She laid a hand gently on his chest, but he remained motionless, save for dropping his gaze to the ground at his side. "Aw, you know not to take me seriously, I'm just being a dick, you know that."
He continued to stare at the ground, unable to speak for a long while, working his jaw instead. Then when he finally did, his voice was strangled, hollow.
"How, Tahly?"
She raised her brows, questioning, waiting.
"How?" he repeated as he slowly drew his tormented gaze up to hers. "How, after... all that... after everythin', how are ya still... so... so..." He glanced around as if the right words were waiting somewhere in the air for him to grab on to. Whether he found the one he was looking for or just latched onto the first one within his grasp, she didn't know, but he said, "...how are ya still so damn... beautiful?" The word all dry and choked in his throat.
Tahlia gave a sharp little intake of breath at that. She knew he didn't mean physically, but she blushed a little all the same.
Clapping his hand over top of hers, he squeezed it hard.
"Coz y'are. And when I look at ya, that's all I see."