Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, down to the last sucker on the last tentacle of the Giant Squid.

About formatting:
For direct quotes I use italicized font.

* * * * * * * WARNING * * * * * * *
This chapter does NOT contain a parody on the Old Testament.
Meaning – nobody parted the waters.
What Myrtle did was much more fun!

CHAPTER 5
The Second Task or The Merlympic Games

"Ladies and gentlemen," Bagman spoke into megaphone, which was now attached to his forearm by permanent sticking charm, "The second task of Triwizard Tournament is just about to…"
- Hey, kids, what are you doing?

His protest came too late.
Champions played out a three-move combination on him.
In one swift and deft movement Victor Krum locked his arms from behind (wandlessly, in other words -using his muscles).
In another swift and graceful movement Fleur Delacour flicked her wand, unsticking megaphone off him and sending it towards Myrtle.
In third swift and easy movement Myrtle Warren caught the megaphone.

Then she spoke to the public,
- Don't worry; no permanent damage was inflicted on this buffoon; we just got him out of the way.
- Now, to the matter at hand.
- I believe everybody knows what the second task is – to retrieve our hostages from the lake.

- And all who are here in the stadium know why the stands are almost empty.
- But some of Wizarding Wireless listeners may not; so I'm going to explain.

- The procedure was this:
- The Goblet magically determines each champion's dearest person.
- And that person is offered the honor of being a hostage.
- So, my corporeal boyfriend Harry Potter is now down in the lake.
- And Gabrielle, little sister of Fleur, is also there.

- But with Victor it was more complicated. His dearest is Fleur, who, being another champion, doesn't qualify.
- According to rulebook, in such situation any student from any participating school may volunteer.
- And guess what? No wizard from Triwizard Organizing Committee thought about what to do in case of multiple volunteers.

- So, at first, Victor's admirers stood up.
- Then their friends decided to keep them company.
- Then, one by one, more and more kids realized that they have opportunity of a lifetime - free ticket to the bottom of the lake with mermaids, grindylows, Giant Squid and other attractions!

- As a result, our hostages outnumber us, their rescuers, a hundred to one.

Arithmancy teacher, professor Vector, stood up and declared in a grumbling voice, "The actual proportion is eighty nine point three three three three…"
"Professor," Myrtle interrupted respectfully, "We greatly appreciate you illuminating remark, but recurring decimals are so long and the life is so short…"
Septima Vector chuckled, "I've just bet with myself how many threes I can utter before being interrupted."
"Did you win, Septima?" asked McGonagall out of the corner of her mouth.
"You bet!" the other witch answered very logically.

"As I was saying before being so courteously corrected (everybody but Bagman understood that she meant 'rudely interrupted'), we have a lot of hostages…," continued Myrtle.
- Let's check with our fishtailed friends….

She took off her glasses and rubbed them lightly on the tip of her wand.
(That was to teach the wand the basics of optics.)

Then she pointed her wand at the water and cast a spell,
- TELEVISIFICUM AQUA!

A clump of fog flew out of her wand and started moving toward the lake.
On its way the clump gradually took the form of a magnifier's lens.
As soon as the foggy lens touched the surface, the water stood completely still.

Remember, one of Merlin's hairs inside Myrtle's wand possessed the elemental power of Water.
And now this power was working on the…

(…there are two ways to describe the process…)

For Mad Muggle Scientists:
… working on the multi-layered volume of dihydrogen monoxide (aka hydric acid, aka H2O, aka 'water'), enforcing negative feedback between its petrifico-totality and vingardio-leviosity and consequently setting its refractive and acoustic indexes for different depths in accordance with Alohomora Formula.

For all others:
… working on the whole lake, turning it into one enormous TV set.

The Lake TV screen was filled with one enlarged face.
The face smiled, revealing three gold teeth, and the witch spoke,
- Ladies and gentlemen, I am Rita Skeeter, 'Daily Prophet' reporter, speaking from the bottom of the lake.
- You were told that the second task is starting now….
- Well, not so fast.

- First of all, let me refute one particularly ridiculous rumor – that hostages were put in enchanted sleep.
- Why would anybody do that? Hostages also want to watch their champions and have fun!
- And second of all….

Rita's face moved away and everybody could see rows and rows of children with the smallest girl, who looked remarkably like Fleur, in the center of the front row.
Somebody gave a signal and they started to sing in chorus,

- Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,
- Don't save us yet,
- We all, as one, want to have some fun,
- And play with friends we've met.
And so on...

The end of the song was greeted with thunderous applause; all the mermaids, mermen and merchildren clapped their hands; some of them blew seashells.

"Second of all," Rita continued, "as you can see, nobody needs to be rescued."
- Indeed, when our mer-hosts learned that so many human kids are visiting, they organized impromptu Merlympic Games for mutual entertainment.

- Let me give you an overview of all the competitions.

Then she floated around, pointing her wand and explaining….
… explaining things that were perfectly clear without any explanation.
(that's the mark of a true reporter!)

Here - some mermaids, surrounded by giggling mer-boys, competing in artistic tail-wagging.

There – artistic bubble blowing.

Over there – mer-jousting; it looked pretty much like medieval tournament game of the same name, only instead of knights, riding horses there were grindylows, riding seahorses.

Further there – tentacles of the Giant Squid competed between themselves which one can throw a rock higher.

And more and more.

But the most popular game was Underwater Quidditch!
Instead of Quaffle the players used pufferfish (who inflated itself into a shape of a ball); instead of Golden Snitch – gold-fish.

And do you know why the gold-fish was swimming so fast?
Because he was stupid and easily tricked.
Merpeople promised to grant him three wishes if he avoids capture long enough.
And stupid gold-fish believed them!

And, of course, there were no Bludgers; there were no such stupid fish that would allow itself to be beaten with a bat.

The Merlympic Games went on and on.
Finally Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat,
- The judges held a conference and decided… to let everybody watch The Games as long as they wish.

- We also decided to judge the champions by the skills they actually demonstrated.
- I refer, of course, to the way they appropriated the megaphone from our esteemed Mr. Bagman.
- It was a perfect example of inter-school cooperation and teamwork.
- So, each champion is awarded… 33 points!

- And also, each school gets a trophy!
He raised his hand with three fingers sticking out and pointed at the megaphone.
Three golden replicas of megaphone appeared from nowhere and flew towards three champions.

TO BE CONTINUED

NO GOLD-FISH WERE TRICKED OR OTHERWISE HARMED during the writing of this story.

The next chapter will be 'The Third Task or The-Day-When-Hermione-Granger-Could-Not-Answer-A-Question'.

What? You think it will be a draw? Again?
How did you guess?!