Until I go to sleep

I was randomly inspired by Nate's line to Chris whilst he was in his coma: 'when I have bad dreams, you hug me until I go to sleep', and wanted to write the first time that it happened. This is set between the 8th September (after Chris forgave Nate for shoving him against the wall) and the 12th September.

Chris browsed the shelves in Harold's to find lunch for him and Nate. He was interrupted by Georgia and Sonya, who tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey" Sonya greeted, "How did it go with Nate?"

Chris smiled, "Yeah, it was good. You were right about what you said earlier, it was his army training that caused him to lash out"

"So what happened?"

"I forgave him and now we're officially a couple" Chris replied happily

"That's great, I'm really happy for you" Georgia told him unconvincingly

Chris raised an eyebrow, "Really? Because the way you said it made it sound like you meant the complete opposite"

Georgia sighed, "Look, I know that this isn't about me, but I can't help feeling uncomfortable about the prospect of hanging out with Nate after what he did"

Chris considered this, "But you know him, he's a good guy"

Georgia shrugged, "Didn't stop him doing what he did though" she replied, "I know that you can make your own decisions, and I know you wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt if you weren't sure or if your feelings weren't so strong, but don't let those feelings make you naïve"

Chris looked confused, "What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying that your feelings for him don't give him a free pass to abuse you" Georgia explained, "You shouldn't keep forgiving him if it was to happen again"

Chris looked outraged, "It's not going to happen again"

"How can you be so sure?" she argued

"Because he promised" Chris replied

"So?" Georgia cried, "Like you said, he learnt all the violent stuff from the army and that's not something that you can just forget overnight. He can't control his emotions properly so it's pretty likely that it'll happen again, and he can't promise that it won't. He doesn't know that and neither do you"

Chris hesitated, "Maybe that's exactly why he needs a second chance" he suggested, "Someone needs to help him with it"

"But that shouldn't be you" Sonya told him softly, "And that shouldn't be the reason for you giving him another chance. He needs professional help, not just a relationship"

Chris shook his head, "That's not the only reason though" he corrected, "It's because I want to be with him, and if the relationship gives him stability then that can only be a benefit, right?"

Sonya and Georgia nodded grudgingly, "Just be careful, ok?" Georgia told him before patting his arm and walking away. Chris watched after her and Sonya sighed.

"She does have a point" Sonya admitted

Chris shrugged, "Do you think I did the right thing?"

"Only you know that" Sonya responded

"How?"

"Because your relationship will feel right" she replied, "If you can move past what he did and be happy with him then you've made the right decision. But if you can't, then you know that you guys shouldn't be together"

Chris considered what she had said and Sonya gave him a reassuring smile before joining Georgia. Chris was trying to figure out how he was going to test whether or not forgiving Nate was the right decision.

xxx

Chris ignored the numerous texts from Kyle, Georgia, Naomi and Sheila asking why he wanted them to stay out of the house for the evening; he reckoned that they could use their imaginations. His hands trembled as he set the table with candles and sorted out the drinks. His mobile beeped, causing him to jump slightly before reading Nate's text telling him that he was on his way. Nervously, Chris dimmed the lights in the living room and straightened the blue shirt that he was wearing. He took a deep breath as he heard Nate knock on the door, then opened it slowly. Nate entered and glanced around, confused.

"Why is it darker in here than it is outside?" he asked

Chris scoffed, "It's not that dark"

Nate squinted, "Well I can barely see you" he joked, "I wasn't even sure if that was you"

Mortified by his failed attempt to set up a romantic atmosphere, Chris blushed (luckily for him, it was so dark that Nate didn't notice) and tried to come up with an excuse that didn't involve the truth, "I'm uh, I'm trying to save energy" he mumbled

Nate raised an eyebrow, "Then you know you're supposed to turn the lights off when you leave a room, not while you're still in it, right?" he pointed out

Chris pulled a face and turned the lights back on, causing Nate to cover his eyes.

"Argh, the light!" he exclaimed jokingly, "it burns!"

Chris sniggered, "You think you're so funny, don't you?"

Nate smiled smugly, "From time to time, yeah" he replied

Chris shook his head dismissively and grabbed his hand, leading him to the kitchen, "Anyway, I've cooked us some dinner"

Nate looked impressed, "Wow, hidden talents"

Chris grinned in response and opened the oven. A cloud of smoke erupted from inside, causing Chris and Nate to cough.

"Or maybe not" Nate wheezed.

Chris groaned as he turned off the oven, "Everything's ruined"

Nate peered into the oven, "What was it supposed to be?"

"Roast chicken and roast potatoes" Chris sighed, transferring the trays from the oven to the work surface, "Though now it's charred chicken and crisps"

Nate shook his head in disbelief, "Isn't it ironic that someone who loves food so much could be so hopeless at cooking?"

Chris looked offended, "I'm usually ok" he argued, scraping the burnt food into the bin, "I just haven't had much chance to practice my roasting skills"

"Evidently" Nate interjected before heading over to the cupboard under the sink.

"What are you doing?" Chris asked, watching him curiously

Nate stood up, holding some J-cloths and oven cleaner, "Well we can't exactly leave the oven like that, can we?" he questioned, tossing a cloth at Chris before spraying the oven. Chris smiled at him gently, pleased that Nate had a sense of humour about the situation and that he was being sweet by helping him clean up the mess. He was beginning to realise that he had made the right decision about forgiving Nate, though he made a mental note to practice cooking roast dinners as soon as possible.

xxx

Chris stretched his body as he rose up from cleaning, "Thanks for helping me"

Nate shrugged, "It was no problem. Sheila would probably flip out if we'd left the oven the way it was"

"Good point" Chris sniggered before looking serious, "But this was my mess, not yours"

"Well what's yours is mine, right?" he joked

Chris chuckled and Nate suddenly looked solemn, "Just think of it as an apology"

"For what happened the other night?" Chris clarified

Nate nodded, "I know that 'sorry' doesn't cut it, so this is one of my ways of making it up to you"

Chris shook his head, "It's not about making it up to me" he informed his boyfriend softly, "When you have problems in a relationship you can't just solve it through gestures, as sweet as they may be. You actually have to work at it and talk things through"

Chris paused as he noticed Nate glance away uncomfortably, "But I know that talking about it isn't an option for you right now, so I won't force you into doing it until you're ready"

Nate nodded, "Thank you. And I promise that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that what happened the other day never happens again"

Chris smiled, genuinely thrilled by Nate's efforts to make amends. Sonya's words to him earlier about the relationship feeling right echoed in his head and in that moment he knew that he had made the correct decision.

"That's all I needed to know" Chris murmured before pulling him in for a longing kiss and moving towards the bedroom.

Nate pulled away as he caught on to what Chris was doing, "Are you sure?" he asked cautiously

Chris bit his lip and smiled coyly, "Yeah, I've never been more sure" he breathed before worriedly asking, "What about you?"

Nate nodded, "Yeah, definitely" he replied before kissing him back tenderly and letting Chris lead him into his room.

xxx

Nate panted as he shut the door behind himself. He hated taking off in the middle of the night, but after yet another dream of the little girl's smile fading as a shadow passed over her, he had to get out of there. Chris would definitely be put off their relationship by his nightmares - just like his exes were - and Nate couldn't handle the thought of that. He knew that the longer this went on for, the more problems it would cause for their relationship: he couldn't just take off in the middle of the night every time he slept with Chris, he would be sure to get suspicious. Besides, how would Nate explain this escapade? Chris would be certain to confront him about it, and Nate wasn't sure how he was going to handle it, though he knew that violence wasn't an option.

xxx

Chris stirred awake, warm and content. He rolled over expecting to see Nate, but was surprised to find that his side was empty. Chris slid out of bed, pulling on some tracksuit bottoms and a vest before emerging from his bedroom. He peered into the bathroom but Nate wasn't in there. He crept out into the living room and glanced around: Nate was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't in the kitchen making breakfast or in the garden (for whatever reason he would have for being in the garden first thing in the morning). Chris called out Nate's name several times as though he was Bossy and would frolic up to him upon hearing his name. Was it unreasonable that Chris felt offended by the fact that Nate had done a runner? He must have had a pretty decent reason for it, but he knew that Nate was quite introverted and would probably avoid explaining; even Chris wouldn't want to explain why he made a break for it if he was in his position. Chris was conflicted as to whether or not he should find out why he ran off: on the one hand he wanted to know because it was sure to affect their relationship, but he was worried that Nate would lash out at him again if he tried to ask him about it. He was beginning to think that perhaps the fact that he was concerned that Nate would continue being violent suggested that he wasn't quite as confident about forgiving Nate and taking him back as he had first thought.

xxx

Despite Chris accepting Nate's offer to walk him to work, neither of them mentioned Nate's escapade the previous night and instead talked and joked about anything else they could think of until they reached the garage. From his yard next door, Kyle watched them suspiciously, in particular studying Nate's actions, even down to the chaste – and slightly awkward – kiss they shared as they said their brief goodbyes. After Nate left, Kyle headed over to Grease Monkeys to pick up some breakfast for him and Chris. Once Chris had changed into his overalls, Kyle had returned with the coffees and snacks. After making their usual small talk, Kyle noticed Chris' shifty demeanour.

"So how did it go last night?" Kyle asked nonchalantly

Chris looked surprised by the question so Kyle elaborated, "Well if your text wasn't obvious enough, Georgia telling me that you forgave Nate kind of confirmed what was going on"

Chris shrugged uncomfortably and Kyle was concerned, "What happened?"

Chris glanced away and Kyle stepped forwards to reassure him, "You can tell me, you know"

Chris looked at him, "He bailed" he admitted, "I woke up this morning and he wasn't there"

Kyle looked taken aback, "Whoa, that's weird" he responded, then thought to himself, "Wait, it wasn't his first time, was it? I mean, he might have freaked out-"

Chris shook his head, "No, it couldn't have been" he argued, "He was way too… confident"

Kyle pulled a face, "Thanks for the over-share, mate"

Chris looked annoyed, "Come on, it's not like I gave you any details" he pointed out, then sighed, "I thought we were ok"

Kyle looked puzzled, "Didn't you guys talk about it when he walked you here?"

Chris shook his head, "No, I was going to wait until he mentioned it but he never did"

"Can you blame him?" Kyle cried, "So it didn't occur to you to bring up the subject?"

Chris shifted uncomfortably, "Well asking questions is what caused this mess in the first place" he retorted, "I guess I was worried about what would happen if I confronted him about this"

Kyle nodded in understanding but was frustrated, "But if you're too scared to ask him about something like this, how can you claim that your relationship's 'ok'?"

Chris shrugged, "Because I thought I made the right decision about forgiving him" he admitted, "And now I'm not so sure"

"Then you need to figure this out" Kyle suggested firmly, "You can't be having these massive unresolved issues in a relationship, trust me"

Chris nodded grudgingly and tried to come up with a way to sort out their newest relationship problem before it accumulated beyond repair.

xxx

Chris was slightly surprised when Nate agreed to have dinner with him that evening. Hopefully he wouldn't catch on to Chris' plan to test whether Nate running away the previous night was a one-off or whether it was an actual problem that needed to be sorted out.

Nate, meanwhile, tried desperately to think of an excuse to use so that he didn't have to stay the night with Chris. The previous night had been a disaster: he didn't mean to run off, but it had become an instinct whenever he had a nightmare and he didn't want to scare Chris. However, Nate was determined not to be in a situation like that until he could get his bad dreams sorted out, no matter how long it took.

After their meal at The Waterhole, Chris invited Nate back to number 26 for some drinks, which Nate accepted, oblivious to his plan. Later that night, Chris and Nate were on Chris' bed, bodies intertwined while they kissed lustfully. As Chris snaked his hand down Nate's body to fiddle with the zip on his jeans, Nate realised that this would lead to a repeat performance of the previous night and needed to stop it before it happened again. Hastily, Nate grabbed Chris' hand to impede its movement and Chris broke away suddenly.

"Are you ok?" he breathed worriedly

Nate wasn't sure how to respond and sat up, "Sorry, I've just had a really long day at the nursery" he murmured feebly

Chris was unconvinced by his boyfriend's claim and realised that Nate was making excuses. However, he was too scared to confront Nate about what was going on in fear of being attacked again. Instead he swallowed heavily and nodded, "It's ok" he reassured him quietly.

"I should probably go" Nate babbled as he practically jumped off his bed.

Chris fought the urge to stop him and instead smiled weakly, "Yeah, just make sure you rest up and I'll see you tomorrow"

Nate nodded and forced a smile in return, "Yeah, see you" he mumbled before hurrying out of the room. Chris stood up to shut the door and rested his head against it. He had no idea what he was supposed to do to fix this problem and was concerned for their future together. However, he had promised Nate that he wouldn't pressure him into discussing anything he wasn't comfortable with until he was ready - which was clearly the case here - and he was going to stick to that for however long was necessary.

xxx

"I have bad dreams. Really bad"

Chris was grateful that Nate had finally opened up to him about why he ran off. He understood how difficult nightmares were to deal with, especially if they affected the relationship in the same way that it affected theirs. Chris had dealt with nightmares in the past, but he knew that they were nothing compared to what Nate must have been dreaming about. However, he hoped that one day Nate would tell him about the content of his nightmares so that he could help him deal with it. Despite the warning, Chris was taken aback when he heard Nate's heavy panting next to him. Startled, Chris sat up and watched as Nate hugged his knees with his eyes squeezed shut. Unsure what he was supposed to do, Chris tentatively rubbed his boyfriend's arm to soothe him.

"It's ok" Chris whispered, "I'm here"

Nate nodded as he tried to subdue his deep breathing. Chris wrapped one arm around Nate to rub his back gently whilst the other hand caressed Nate's clenched fists. Eventually Nate's breathing became shallower and he swallowed heavily, opening his eyes.

"I'm sorry" he gasped out

Chris shook his head, "Don't be" he reassured him quietly, "Just keep taking deep breaths"

He desperately wanted to know what Nate's nightmares were about because he knew that talking about bad experiences helped to understand them and move on. After all, he had been in a position similar to Nate a few times over the past couple of years such as the attack at the garage, the car crash he was involved in and his downward spiral after Hudson's imprisonment. All of those things were easier to deal with after talking about them. However, he knew that his experiences didn't even begin to compare to Nate's and he had promised him that he wouldn't ask about the dreams until Nate was ready to tell him. Instead, he kept his arms wrapped around the trembling man and continued to hold him whilst he controlled his breathing. Eventually Nate's eyes fluttered closed and his head gently dropped onto Chris' shoulder. Sensing that Nate was drifting off to sleep again, Chris gradually laid Nate back down onto the bed but kept his arms around his boyfriend's body whilst they both slept in a spooning embrace.

Thanks for reading! There were a few points that I wanted to explore which the show didn't: Nate lashing out at Chris (although I really liked the conversation between Chris, Kyle and Georgia, the situation just wasn't delved into enough), Chris and Nate's first time (it was never clear on screen when that actually happened) and Nate's nightmares, so I hope I've done it justice. As always, if anyone has any ideas for Chris related stories then feel free to let me know, and reviews are always welcome!