"The moment I die,
I will try to come back to you
as quickly as possible.
I promise it will not take long.
Isn't it true
I am already with you
in every moment?
I come back to you
in every moment.
Just look,
feel my presence.
If you want to cry,
please cry.
And know
that I will cry with you.
The tears you shed
will heal us both.
Your tears are mine.
The earth I tread this morning
transcends history.
Spring and Winter are both present in the moment.
The young leaf and the dead leaf are really one.
My feet touch deathlessness,
and my feet are yours.
Walk with me now.
Let us enter the dimension of oneness
and see the cherry tree blossom in Winter.
Why should we talk about death?
I don't need to die
to be back with you."
Oneness | Thich Nhat Hanh
When the young woman's family says their last words to her before deciding to remove the breathing tube, all the doctors and nurses in the room bow their heads to pay respect to the family's noble deed. By donating her organs, the girl will save seven more lives, including Sherlock's. John bends deeply, as to him, this bow does not only represent pure respect but also boundless gratitude. His Sherlock is going to be saved.
And so, as soon as her relatives have left the room, everyone quickly proceeds with the organ harvesting procedures. The heart is highly prioritized, as it is considered the rarest organ to find and also the hardest to preserve: unlike other organs that can be frozen for up to 24 hours after removing from the original body, a heart transplant needs to occur within four hours of organ removal for the donor's heart to remain viable, otherwise its tissue will die. Thus, her body will be pushed into the operating room next to Sherlock's, with two operating beds performing simultaneously. John will administer Sherlock's anesthesia at the same time another doctor takes the heart out of her body, then other organs in queues, to ensure the heart is best preserved.
Sherlock's eyes are fixed on John intently. In a green surgical scrub, John seems stern and different, but beyond all, he can still feel that John is putting all his mind and care into his tender look toward him.
"Ready, Sherlock?"
"Okay."
"I'll see you in a few hours, okay?"
"All right."
"Okay. Now you just relax, all right? The next time you see me, this nightmare is all going to be over." John smiles at him, he says quietly then turns to the nurse. "Jade, please be gentle with him."
Jade raises her voice, but Sherlock doesn't take his eyes off John. An oxygen mask is being attached to his face.
"Mr. Holmes, I'm gonna give you some extra oxygen here."
"Mm-hmm."
"They already asked if you hadn't eaten or drank in the last four hours, right?"
"Yeah."
"And have you been under general anesthesia before, Mr. Holmes?"
"A few times, yes." Sherlock replies softly.
"Very good." Jade smiles slightly at Sherlock and begins injecting an anesthetic dose into his IV. "Okay, Mr. Holmes, now I want you to count back from 10 for me, will you?"
Sherlock hears Jade's voice counting with him, but his eyes don't leave John, he can see that John is also staring at him unblinkingly.
"Ten…"
"nine, eight,"
He has already started to feel the drug effects. Keeping his eyes fixed on John is starting to become more difficult.
"seven..."
"si…" His eyes are completely closed. John's concerned, attentive gaze is the last thing Sherlock sees before the thick darkness envelopes him totally.
"OK. Good luck on your journey, Mr. Holmes. Doctor, we can start now."
Sherlock feels like he's been asleep for a long time, when suddenly he wakes up. His mind has not yet fully comprehended, he vaguely feels consciousness slowly returning to him. His eyes are still closed, he can't move his limbs, even a simple task like opening his eyes or parting his lips seems impossible. The surgery must be over. Sherlock feels his eyes are still taped, and something is still stuck in his throat, which is very uncomfortable. Sherlock struggles to move. The immense darkness is still enveloping him.
.
Suddenly, he hears John's voice.
"How's SpO2, Jade?"
"96. The endotracheal tube is fixed. The patient is stable and can proceed to thoracotomy."
.
Thoracotomy? Chest opening operation? Why must my chest still be opened again? Isn't the surgery done?
.
"Jade, prepare the razor."
Sherlock hears a clack. And then he feels his skin scratching. The clatter of razors runs across his chest. The feeling is itchy, uncomfortable.
.
John, am I still in surgery?
You haven't done anything yet?
Gosh, how long does it take for this anesthetic to work anyway?
.
"Jade, Povidine."
.
Sherlock feels his skin freezing. The antiseptic alcohol is being applied several times to his chest. A layer of drape is quickly covered his whole body, leaving only the upper torso part. Sherlock suddenly feels scared. Why can I still feel her hands on my skin? John, I can still hear you. Aren't I supposed to be out for all this?
He suddenly realizes that he is being in a terrible situation. Anesthesia seems to have failed. Sherlock still feels it all. He cannot open his eyes, cannot move, but he can still hear everything. He is still wide awake, and still feels his whole body, feels every touch the nurse gives him. He just can't move. Sherlock tries to move his fingers, tries to open his mouth, he wants to tell John that there is something wrong with the anesthesia, but he cannot. Thousands of thoughts go through Sherlock's mind, but John doesn't know the least. To John's eyes, Sherlock seems to have fallen into a deep coma, the surgery can be able to perform soon. Little does he know that Sherlock is having a very serious and potentially life-threatening problem: if John starts to operate on him and he can still feel it all, it will be a terrible torture. And he will probably die before the surgery can succeed, because no one in the world will be able to withstand the shock of being operated on wide awake.
.
"Another drape right here, Jade."
.
The sound of John's voice makes Sherlock's heart immediately jump.
.
John. No. Stop it. Don't. Look at me, I'm still awake. I can still feel it all. Do not operate, John.
.
Of course, John cannot hear him. To John's view, Sherlock is laying still, he looks unconscious, with closed eyes and normal stats on the machine, completely identical to any other anesthetized patient. John glances at the Holter monitor, every number looks fine.
.
"Let's proceed."
.
No. John, no.
I'm still awake.
Stop it.
Damn it, stop, John.
.
" Scalpel."
.
No!
Damn it, do something Sherlock. Move... Move an arm,
move a damn finger!
Open your eyes, Sherlock.
Come on, you can do it.
.
"Do we have enough blood in the room?"
"Yes. 4 units of O negative."
.
"This scalpel is not sharp enough. Get me another one."
.
That's right John, stop it, do not continue.
.
Suddenly Sherlock hears John whispering, as if speaking for only him to hear. "Sherlock, I'll start now. Hang on with me, please."
.
And then John begins to run the scalpel a long, deep path across Sherlock's chest. Argggghhh! The pain is so terrible, it makes Sherlock feels his heart instantly spasm, the pain rushes in, burning. Sherlock is horrified, he lays there helplessly, unable to tell John how bad he is feeling, even though John is right here with him, he feels like they no longer belong in the same world. Terrified, he thinks about death. He has promised that he would not leave John behind, but now he is afraid that he will not be able to keep that promise anymore!
This hurts too bad! The pain throbs, he feels like a fish lying on a cutting board, trying to cling to its last moments of existence in this world. Sherlock feels the helplessness to the extreme. Just like someone is pressing on him, making him fall into an endless black space, there is absolutely nothing he can do but to lay here and suffer.
.
John… If I die, will you be mad at me?
.
No! He can stand this. He must stand this. It's just pain, damn it, it's just too much pain, nothing unpredictable, for John's sake, he'll endure this.
.
John!
.
"Jade, saw."
.
No!
.
All right, John.
Hurry up.
I cannot withstand this for too long.
Sherlock, you can do it. Hide in your mind palace, Sherlock. Don't stay here anymore.
.
Think of John, Sherlock. Think of John, of those happy times.
.
Sherlock's mind opens up to the scene of one morning when John was standing in their kitchen. He was making pancakes. He smiled, turned around to look at Sherlock. Oh darling, you're awake! Come here, give me a hug!
Sherlock feels his heart fill with warmth.
.
That's it, Sherlock. Like that.
Just think about John.
Focus on him. Rosie too.
Just forget about the pain. You can do it, you have to do it.
.
You must not die. Can't leave John alone. You have no right to do that to him again, you selfish bastard.
.
But Sherlock suddenly feels like his whole body is being torn apart. Sawing off the ribs to open the ribcage is not an easy task. The sound of sawing pounding in his ears, annoying. Sherlock doesn't know that John's daily work is actually this hard. He feels like he is being pulled back, he cannot hide in his mind palace anymore, like there is a rough force pulling him back to the present, to this haunting pain.
"Broke a rib. I'm sorry, Sherlock." John's voice suddenly sounds, Sherlock can hear both bitterness and compassion in it.
.
It's okay, John. Just hurry up. I can't stand this any longer.
.
"Gonna open your chest, Sherlock."
The pain hits again. This time even more terrible. His chest muscles are stretched, his ribcage bones are keeping opened by two pairs of forceps. His heart is now completely bare in the air. Sherlock has never felt this naked before.
.
Sherlock, calm down. Sherlock, you can do it. Regulate your heart rate, Sherlock.
.
Sherlock finds himself falling back into the past. Now he sees Mycroft leaving their house with a suitcase. He tried to run after him, he kept calling but Mycroft didn't come back. Mycroft, will you ever come back to our house, Mycroft? Why did you choose to leave me alone, Mycroft?
.
No, not that memory. John, Sherlock. Must find John, John will stay, John will never leave you alone.
John!
"Here's the new heart. The other side finished early, doctor."
Sherlock suddenly hears another female voice. Seems like a nurse is bringing the new heart from the next room.
"Oh thank you. Are you… new here?" John's voice sounds a little uncertain.
"Yes."
Jade raises her voice.
"Look at it, doctor. What a big and beautiful heart it is. He must be a very lucky man."
"That's right, Jade. This heart looks very healthy." John smiles slightly and places the new heart on the ice tray. He feels sweat start forming on his forehead. The invisible anxiety gradually appears. He whispers to Sherlock. "I'm taking out your old heart. You can't stop loving me, do you know that?"
.
By the time John begins to deliver the first cuts that separate the heart valve to get Sherlock's heart out, Sherlock is no longer just a consciousness that hasn't been fully anesthetized. He feels himself being pulled out of his body. He suddenly sees everything; he is now able to open his eyes. He looks down to see his body lying there, with his old heart completely pulled out of his chest. John is totally concentrating on the work; he must never have expected that Sherlock might be looking at him like this at the moment. Sherlock feels all pain disappear, a feeling of serenity gradually appears, this must be the feeling of a soul.
.
Suddenly, a voice breaks the intense silence of deep concentration in the room.
"Doctor, you have a phone call."
John looks up at the new nurse, totally in surprise. Everyone looks at her in surprise. They all understand how important this moment is for the surgery, how can anyone answer any phone calls, especially John as the main surgeon? The old heart has just been taken out, now John must immediately put the new one in, being a nurse hasn't she already known that simple knowledge? Not to mention John doesn't even know her, why has she suddenly said that? John looks at her intently.
"Phone call? Me? Are you mistaken? Do you think I can answer the phone now?"
"Yes, doctor. It is Rosie calling."
Hearing Rosie's name, John suddenly feels weak in his limbs. What does she mean? John looks down at Sherlock, seeing that his vitals are still temporarily stable, he shakily walks out of the door to follow her.
Sherlock's spirit also curiously follows John.
.
When John reaches the hospital hallway, he hasn't had time to open his mouth to ask when the nurse suddenly turns around and gives him a strange phone. John stares blankly at it for a few seconds, then decides to answer the phone, his eyes never leaving hers. She looks at him, smiling slyly. There is something insidious about that smile, John doesn't have a good feeling about this person. Sherlock finds her disgusting. He stands next to him, putting his hand on John's shoulder without his acknowledgment. John brings the phone to his ear; the other end of the line is still silent.
"Watson listening. May I ask who is calling?"
.
Suddenly there sounds a loud laughter, then a deep voice following, he can sense the cold feeling, emotionlessness in that voice. Reminds him of… Magnussen.
"Oh hello John. How is the surgery going?"
John feels something is wrong. He stands up straight, growling.
"Who are you? What do you mean? I'm not available to talk at the moment, sorry."
Another laugh from the other end of the line.
"Seems like you're really busy, huh? What an attempt, John, you know he will be dead anyway, why are you still trying so hard? Such a waste!"
.
"Who the fuck are you? What do you mean?"
"Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I didn't mean to, I'm sooooo sorry." He doesn't even try to hide his amusement. "Sebastian Moran, you can call me Sebastian or Moran, I'm so easygoing. Have you heard about me?"
John glances nervously at his watch. Must be one from the enemy side, this man can't have good intentions. John doesn't know the name, but this voice can't bring good news. He wants to intimidate John, whatever, but now is not the right time to play. He needs to get back to Sherlock. Sherlock can't wait for him too long.
"Why should I hear about you? I don't really care, okay? Hanging up."
John glances over, he sees the nurse smirk slightly. Moran's snakelike voice resounds on the phone.
"Woah woah. Hang on, hang on. You don't even care about your Rosie?" He stretches his voice.
John trembles with anger. He lunges forward, suddenly grabbing the nurse by the collar, who is still smirking mischievously. "Who the fuck are you, threatening me? What are you planning to do?"
She just continues to laugh, her smile reaching from ear to ear, looks disgusting. Sherlock standing there but he's unable to help John, he feels so helpless and worried.
"Just pick up the phone already, doctor." She speaks, her voice still cold. Even though she is being pushed hard against the opposite wall, she isn't at all intimidated, only slyly smiles at John.
.
John lets her down, bringing the phone to his ear again. Moran laughs loudly.
"Doctor Watson, calm down. Do you need to hear your little Rosie's voice to calm down a bit? Or… Molly? Who would you rather talk to?"
"What do you want from me? Damn you."
.
Moran does not answer. Instead, there is a sudden sob. It's Molly on the phone.
"John, John. I'm sorry. He had both me and Rosie tied up, he's at my house, he…"
Her voice suddenly stops. Surely, he won't let her say too much. John shivers in anger, he feels every nerve in his body being tense with fear and rage. Sherlock is still standing next to him, even in the form of a spirit he still be in shock because of this unexpected situation.
"Fuck you. What do you want?" John almost screams into the phone. The hospital lobby is quiet tonight, the operating area is never too crowded. There are only John, the nurse, and Sherlock, but no one can see him.
.
Still Moran's creepy laugh rings out on the other end of the line.
"Woah woah, calm down. You seem really busy, don't you? So I'll say it quickly. You've met Amber, haven't you? Our beautiful Amber, come on, John, say hello to Amber first, and then we'll continue."
"Amber?" John shoots the nurse a hateful look. She just smirks, still standing with her arms crossed, Sherlock just wants to give her nasty face a punch. And that's him who never praises anyone who uses violence toward women.
.
Moran continues.
"Right. Now then, Amber will give you a 150mg tube of Adriamycin. You know what I mean, John? Come on doctor, what are you going to do with it?"
John trembles with anger. Just hearing the name of the drug, he immediately understands what they imply. Adriamycin is a chemotherapy drug that kills cancer cells. If being injected into the new heart, it will turn the heart into junk. Sherlock will immediately have a heart attack when the new heart is replaced. He will reject the transplant and die on the operating table, because this new heart won't be able to function. John feels his own heart aching. Rosie… Sherlock… He never feels this alone before.
.
"Come on John, answer me. What will you do?"
"You…"
"Hurry up John, Sherlock won't be waiting for you too long. You took his heart out of his chest." Moran's voice lashes out with pleasure.
.
"You… You think I am here alone? I have…"
"Mycroft, right? His beloved brother? Do you really think he can help in this case? Let me tell you, John." Suddenly Molly screams into the phone again. "I'm sitting right next to them two, here I have a knife, a gun, a grenade. I can choose whatever I feel like. Come on John, you must know that I don't plan to survive, I can tell you that. We aim to revenge. You all got together killing James… so I want you to kill Sherlock yourself. By your hands, got it? If we only need him to die, it would be too easy, Amber can kill him anytime. I want you to suffer a fate worse than death, you and that motherfucker Mycroft. As for Sherlock, he's going to die anyway, so I'd love to see him die a little earlier, that's more fun, okay?" He laughs loudly. "You can do whatever you want to Amber, you can kill her right now, but unless Amber sees you inject Adriamycin into that new heart within five minutes, or you can start saying goodbye to your beloved Rosie already. And Molly too, eh?" Moran bursts into laughter again. "Mycroft is quite good, I admit, but do you really think he can be faster, or is my knife faster? Five minutes John, I give you five minutes. The clock is ticking, John."
.
Sherlock stands there, shockingly. More than ever, how he wishes he could be with John right now. John. Oh, John. He wishes he could strangle those two bastards.
John drops the phone. The device falls to the floor with a loud noise. He is feeling so helpless, his hands are shaking, he doesn't know what to think, what to say. He doesn't even know what to do anymore. Oh Sherlock. How John wishes Sherlock was by his side right now, maybe, if it were Sherlock, he'd come up with a way to deal with this, he could be able to trick them. But… John falls to his knees. A wave of tremors wells up in the corners of his eyes, he feels his tears fall, burning. Amber is still standing there, arms crossed, looking at him, she still has that sly grin, she seems to enjoy watching the situation.
.
Sherlock, how am I supposed to do now?
.
John shivers as he reaches for his own phone. He thinks of calling Mycroft. But… five minutes. What can Mycroft do within such a short amount of time…? John feels that he can't even control his own hand anymore, it keeps shaking and can't even grab a phone. John doesn't even know what he should say when he calls Mycroft. Only five minutes… Amber is still looking at him with her eyebrows raised, she taps her left wrist with her index finger, indicating that time is passing, causing him to panic even more.
Sherlock kneels down, he puts his arm around John's shoulder, he wishes he could hug him, but of course John doesn't feel anything. Sherlock is also feeling helpless, the truth is, even if he were really here in his own body, at this very moment, he wouldn't be able to immediately think of a solution. He also doesn't know what to do. Oh John...
.
John, it's okay. I'll die anyway. Save Rosie and Molly, John...
.
John tries to pick up the phone, he finally dials Mycroft. He ignores Amber who is still there. Mycroft's voice rings out immediately, mixed with audible anxiety.
"John, what's wrong? Is there a problem with the operation?"
"Mycroft…" John tries to control his voice, trying to suppress his trembling. "Mycroft, do you have anyone at Molly's house?"
Mycroft is startled.
"No, John. I… What's wrong? I can request my people to come there right away… John?"
John sobs. He doesn't dare to tell Mycroft directly that Molly and Rosie are being held hostage, he is afraid that Mycroft would rush to the operating room and his appearance would not save his Rosie at all.
"It's too late, Mycroft… I… I'll see you in a few minutes. Please send someone to Molly's house and wait for me in the hospital lobby."
.
Then John hangs up. He struggles to get up, leaning against the wall. Amber smirks, then reaches into her pocket, pulls out a small syringe, she looks at John scornfully.
"Nice try, doctor. Come on, two minutes left. Are you ready, doc?"
"You bastards…" John clenches his fists, trying in vain to suppress his trembling. "What's guaranteed that when I do what you asked, you'll keep your words to spare Rosie and Molly?" John growls.
Amber grimaces.
"That's the interesting part here, doc. No guarantees. You can believe us or not, it's up to you. You still have the option of saving your darling Sherlock, if you think that option is more firmly in your hand. We have no interest in those two silly bitches, we just want our revenge, killing those two brings no fun. We expect you to choose killing Sherlock, so here's what I think, if you do what we want, we'll keep our words. Maybe we will." Amber laughs.
.
John clenches his fist. Then he suddenly punches the nurse in the face. The punch is so strong that her whole body hits the wall. Even though, the smile on her face still doesn't disappear.
"Ouch. That hurts, doctor. You know I can sue you for this punch? But…" She rubs her face. "Since I am such a kind person, I will spare you this time." Then she hands John the syringe. "Ready?"
John clutches the syringe in his hand. He turns and walks back into the operating room.
"Sherlock, I'm sorry. I cannot keep my promise to you." John seems to whisper to himself. He doesn't expect Sherlock to hear all of these words. Sherlock suddenly feels lucky because the anesthesia has failed, so that he can be with John in this form, this very moment.
.
John… it's okay. If I were you, I would choose exactly the same.
I already took Mary from her. This life is not mine. If by giving up this short life I can save Rosie, I definitely will.
John… Don't blame yourself. John…
I will not blame you.
Not your fault.
John…
...
Opening the door to the operation room, John sees everyone looking up at him. He has gone for quite a bit, about 10 minutes. Sherlock is still on a ventilator, using a cardiopulmonary bypass machine to maintain his life when his heart has been removed from his chest. John steps forward, takes off his gloves, and gently touches Sherlock's cheek. Jade is shocked to see his actions.
"Doctor, what are you doing?"
John says nothing. He is quiet for a moment, then he puts on a new pair of gloves. Grabbing the syringe, he walks over to the new heart that is still frozen, then he injects the drug into the bloodless heart.
.
Sherlock, I'm really sorry.
.
Amber stands in the doorway, smiling triumphantly. John turns to look at her, his gaze fills with anger. She speaks up.
"Doctor. Let's continue the transplant process."
"You…"
"Let's finish the job, doctor." She smiles, reaches into her pocket for the phone, and texts Moran something. "Please continue doc, we must finish what we started, mustn't we?"
.
John shivers, he takes the heart then puts it in Sherlock's chest. Sherlock stands there, tears welling up in his eyes. He looks at him and feels so sorry for him. He understands the miserable emotions John is going through. John begins connecting major blood vessels to the donor's heart. As he does, he cannot stop the flow of tears streaming down his face. Jade looks at him with a shocked look. She keeps asking, "Doctor, what's wrong?" but John doesn't seem to hear anything. In his world now only Sherlock remains, his wonderful Sherlock, his pale, helpless Sherlock under his palms, his Sherlock who puts all trust on him and still being slowly killed by him. Sherlock…
.
The new heart has been replaced. As soon as the blood flow is restored, the heart beats for its first time, Sherlock's body immediately undergoes transplant rejection. Sherlock suddenly feels a sharp, unimaginable pain, the pain pulling him back to reality. Sherlock feels his spirit form gradually melting, it's becoming harder to stay conscious. He wishes he could remain to stay with John a little longer. But…
.
Using all of his might, Sherlock tries to hold back the pain, he moves closer to John and plants an invisible kiss on his cheek before darkness once again envelopes him.
.
Jade loses her voice. "He's… He's fibbing."
John remains silent.
Jade speaks louder. "Doctor… No heartbeat."
John seems to be awakened from a nightmare, he turns dreamily to look at Jade.
"Jade, charge paddles n… now."
"Yes."
"Still no heartbeat?"
"Nothing."
"Paddles to 20. Now."
"Amio's running."
"Ready"
"Still nothing, Doctor."
"Charge it to 40. Please."
"Nothing, doctor."
"Charge it one more time, please."
"Still no heartbeat, doc."
"Again, please."
"John…"
"Please…"
"Okay. Paddles ready. 40 Jun."
.
The electric paddles are attached directly to the new heart, but the heart still cannot contract on its own. Dead heart. John knows it is going to turn out this way, but he still cannot help but try to shock the heart back to life, in the hope that some miracle would save his Sherlock.
.
"Doctor, we lost him." Jade's voice wavers, uncertain.
"No. No no no no. Not yet." John shivers. "Just one more time, just one more time…"
"John… It's over. We gotta get him back on bypass…" Jade says softly. Amber stands at the door still looking in with a devilish smile, she says nothing, just stands there enjoying the feeling of revenge. She doesn't even run away.
"Adrenaline. Jade. Give me a shot of adrenaline." John seems to wake up.
"Doctor, it's won't make a difference, you know that..."
"A shot of adrenaline, please!"
Jade hesitates, but in the end she follows the doctor's orders. John takes it and injects the adrenaline directly into Sherlock's new heart. "Please, Sherlock. Please…"
.
"John… It's over, John. Just let him go. Don't do that to him anymore, doc."
.
John was prostrate with grief, his knees give way, he almost faints on the floor. Amber laughs and finally walks away. John doesn't have the strength to chase after her anymore. He bursts into tears. Jade kneels down too, she puts her hand on his shoulder, patting him. "Doctor, it's not your fault. You did all you could do. It was the bad heart. Not your fault, doctor."
John sobs even louder. How could this not be his fault? He knows, it's all his fault that Sherlock died.
Sherlock!