A/N: This chapter takes place before chapter one and two, in which Trip is reported dead, and T'Pol and Malcolm are investigating what happened to him. This chapter and the next chapter reveal the events before Trip's so called death.
As for this chapter: the special door between Trip's and T'Pol quarters wasn't my idea. All the credit for that goes to Rigil Kent.
Special thanks for EntAllat for being an awesome beta and PaulineM for all her help. Thank you all for your interest in World of Ice and your kind reviews.
Disclaimer : Enterprise and its characters are property of CBS/Paramount.
Part one
2161. Five months before Trip's disappearance.
White. It always filled Liz Cutler with pride when she put on her white medical coat. Her hands moved to the sides to remove any wrinkles. Glancing in the mirror, she saw a young doctor eager to go to work. Yesterday had been a very rewarding and interesting day. As a consultant from the Department of Exobiology, she first had a conference call with a Vulcan and a physician in the pulmonary department about the physiology of Vulcan lungs. After this, she was called to the Emergency Room where she comforted and treated a small Tellerite child who had fallen down the stairs and broken her leg. Later that day she'd held a little Andorian baby in her arms and talked to a wonderful old lady who had just successfully gone through heart surgery using a Denobulan technique. Liz had realized how much the interaction with patients and medical personnel, alien and Human, meant for her. She was glad that in her job helping aliens and Humans, doctors and patients, she could draw from the experience and knowledge she'd gained during her years on Enterprise.
Liz had always loved her work as a medic on Enterprise. Fascinated by medicine, people and space, she'd thought that her job was the best one ever. Over the years Doctor Phlox had trained her well, and she had continued to study. After the war Phlox, saying that he firmly believed in her talent, had encouraged her to join the staff of the Starfleet Medical Research facility in San Francisco that he had founded with a team of Starfleet doctors.
He couldn't have given her better advice. Phlox knew medicine and study was her passion, but he also knew that she needed a strong distraction from her personal life. Given her keen interest in alien species, she had always thought she would marry an alien man; she had even pursued Phlox at one time. But while Phlox remained a dear friend of hers, in the second year of the war a human called John Collard had won her heart completely. She had married him in the third year of the war and lost him in the fourth, leaving deep scars in her soul.
She was certain that no voice would ever tell her again that she was the most beautiful woman in the world, that there would be no one who loved to talk for hours with her or to laugh at her jokes and that never again someone would hold her in the night. And now, there would be no one who would be the father of her children.
Liz sighed. People on Earth had no idea what sacrifices had been made and what sorrow and pain the war had caused within the ranks of Starfleet to keep their planet safe from Romulan rule.
Amanda Cole, her roommate, saw her standing in front of the mirror. "Big day, Lizzie?" she teased. "Or just another boring day at the office?"
She and Amanda had rarely interacted during the time they had served both on Enterprise. But during the war, Amanda was injured and lost one of her legs. The two had met again when Amanda became a test subject for new artificial limbs developed by the new medical research facility. Liz had been looking for a place to live. Amanda had just found an apartment and had come to the conclusion she needed a roommate. Both of them were skeptical whether it would work, but it had turned out better than they expected. Behind Amanda's cocky smile and tough appearance Liz had discovered a true friend.
"Working as a doctor is never boring, Amanda," she answered, not realizing that the day to come would prove how true her words were.
Part two
2161. The same day, five months before Trip's disappearance.
White. The white building of the facility was bathed in morning sunshine as she arrived at work. Liz smiled. She belonged in this place. Liz was proud to work here in this white building, together with the team of dedicated, talented colleagues from different species. United in their differences, they all were joined by the goal of the facility: using their talents to develop new medical techniques and offer the best medical care. That was always in the back of her mind when she started her daily rounds. Today her assignment would be a meeting with a delegation from Starfleet. Delegates from several ships had been invited for a tour of the facility. She made her rounds and then quickly went to the conference room for the meeting. There, to her surprise, she found that Commander Tucker and T'Pol were among the guests.
Liz recalled the first time she had seen the science officer. The Vulcan woman hadn't been wearing Starfleet blues back then and hadn't joined the ranks of Starfleet as yet. Liz had respected the no-nonsense way T'Pol had run the Science department. She'd found T'Pol friendly in her Vulcan way, communicating about work related subjects and nothing else, and keeping her distance. Liz had wondered if she'd felt lonely, being the only Vulcan among Humans. Tucker seemed the only one she talked to as a friend. Later, T'Pol had become the first Vulcan officer of Starfleet. A few from other species in the Coalition had joined since then, but Liz always remembered that T'Pol had paved the way.
During the war Liz and T'Pol had served on the same ship, but without much contact. The only time they'd spent together had been under much more private circumstances. Liz always had known the relationship between T'Pol and the chief engineer was special, but she'd assumed it was nothing more than a deep and complex friendship. Her eyes were opened when Phlox told her in all secrecy that he'd worked on a method for the conception of a Human-Vulcan child in order to help Trip and T'Pol. That was when she first knew they were a couple.
In the third year of the war, when it seemed they were heading for a long sought after peace, Phlox had made a significant breakthrough in his research. It was based on the first Vulcan-Human hybrid they had heard of: Lorian. Phlox had started with the procedures for T'Pol. To their amazement, T'Pol had become pregnant after only a couple of months. Still, Phlox was very cautious, and he'd been right to be so: within a couple of weeks T'Pol had had a miscarriage. Liz would never forget the looks of despair on the commanders' faces.
By then, Earth had learned that the Romulans had been playing them and had no intention of ending the war. A vicious attack on one of the Coalition's colonies started a second round of warfare, this time bloodier and more violent than before. Earth's hope for peace had been crushed, and another two years of war followed.
But peace did come eventually, and now the medical facility Liz worked for was trying to heal the wounds of that war. One of the current projects was the development of more sophisticated artificial limbs for the soldiers returning home. That department was the first one of their tour today, after which the public relations officer who led the tour showed the way to the pulmonary department. Here artificial lungs were being made. Medical and engineering personnel were also working on new techniques which would help a human with limited lung capacity to breathe more easily in a different atmosphere than Earth. After visiting some more departments, the officer announced it was time for lunch.
Walking to the facility cafeteria, Commander Tucker stepped next to Liz. "Isn't Anna Hess also working here?"
Liz nodded. Hess was one of their top engineers, combining her work with being a mother of two. "She is working on our family project," she answered. Suddenly Liz realized that if anyone would have an interest in that work, it would be Tucker and T'Pol.
She asked Trip if she could show them what Hess was working on, and her suggestion was met with enthusiasm. Without getting into details, Liz asked the PR officer if she could show the commanders another department. After receiving permission they headed to a corner of the fourth floor. As they passed the reception area, Liz explained why this department was called the family project. There wasn't much to see, except for some rooms with bio beds, so Liz walked straight to the area she wanted to show.
A huge water tank was in the middle of that room next to an object half the size of an adult Human. Oval-shaped with an open space in the middle, the object was covered with thick but soft looking material. T'Pol recognized it at once. "An artificial womb," she said, clearly fascinated.
"Hess has been working on this, together with Doctor Harris," Liz told them. Tucker ran his fingertips over the soft fabric and looked from it from every angle. T'Pol pulled out her scanner from her shirt-pocket and started scanning. "I have read about those wombs before," T'Pol remarked, "but until now they were just an idea. Can this really function as a real womb?" Her voice betrayed her hope.
"Yes, it can," Liz answered. "The development team noted that conception is only the first stage. It can be accomplished naturally, and when that doesn't work there are other technological possibilities. So conception isn't the problem, but the next stage. For some couples, having a child isn't possible because the mother's womb is gone or not functioning. For others, the problem is when the genes of the mother are so different from the baby that her body rejects the child," she added softly. Trip's face darkened at her words.
Liz moved her hand across the skin of the womb. "The skin helps the womb to stay at the right temperature. A tube resembling the umbilical cord is connected to the baby to feed him. The mother carries a monitor and the information about her vital signs is used as input for the womb. In this way, the baby can hear the same sounds that she would if she were actually in the mother's womb. We then place the womb in the tank and fill it with a liquid that has the same qualities as amniotic fluid. In every aspect, this womb is a duplicate of a real one. The great advantage of this artificial womb is that it can be adjusted to the child's needs. It's a way to sustain the child in a similar, but better, environment in order to grow and fully develop."
Taking a deep breath, she continued, "As an exobiologist, I was mostly interested in the fact that two interspecies couples have shown interest in this project. Because of the different genetic make-up of the father and mother, the artificial womb is a possible solution for them."
It was surprising to see how different the two persons before her reacted to the news. T'Pol was clearly interested, making notes and asking questions. Tucker had folded his arms before him and looked skeptical.
"What exactly are the chances for a successful pregnancy?" T'Pol asked another question.
"It's still in an experimental stage, Commander, but we estimate that the chances of success are high," Liz answered her.
"But there is still a chance of losing the baby," Tucker interrupted. He sounded calm, but Liz could sense his pain of loss when he said bluntly "That's hell for a mother and a father. Nobody wants to put their spouse through that kind of misery."
Liz felt herself blush. "If we didn't think the womb would work, this project wouldn't exist, Commander Tucker. It isn't an easy fix, and yes, things could go terribly wrong. Couples have to make a huge decision. However, besides the risk of failure, there's also a great possibility: the miracle of a child."
T'Pol stood by, saying nothing. To Liz's amazement T'Pol placed her hand on Tucker's arm and squeezed it gently. He relaxed at once. "Thank you for showing us around," the Vulcan said to Liz. "It was most informative, but I think it's time for us to return to the group."
Liz knew T'Pol was right. As they walked back to the group, Liz wondered what the couple behind her was thinking about this artificial womb. She glanced behind to see them walking closely together. "United in their differences," Liz thought. T'Pol hastened her pace and addressed Liz. "We would like to receive more information from Doctor Harris," she said. Pleasantly surprised, Liz promised to send his PADD-communication address right away.
The next week Liz found herself hoping she would hear from T'Pol again. She really wanted to help Trip and T'Pol, a couple which had been through so much. Liz was sure both of them would be great parents and she knew this artificial womb could be the answer to their problems. She considered contacting them directly, or speaking to Doctor Phlox, but a short message she received a week later from Commander Tucker changed everything.
It read, "Liz, you're right about miracles." She sighed with relief.
Part three
2161. Two weeks before Trip's disappearance.
White. Trip always loved to wake up draped into T'Pol's white satin sheets, her warm body close by. It was 4 a.m., normally the time that T'Pol would get up for her daily meditation and the time for him to move to the cabin next door, but not today.
When they'd married and were subsequently asked by Starfleet to keep a low profile and more or less act like they were separated, it posed a problem. Trip could manage not to show any signs of affection in public, but he'd wanted his wife close by in private. The change of personnel on Enterprise provided them with the solution. As first officer, T'Pol was able to arrange the relocation of crew quarters in such a way that they'd ended up with adjoining cabins. Trip had used his talents to make a door connecting the two quarters and masked the door with a cloaking device, a technology he had found in an alien database. From the outside it looked like two cabins, but they were, in fact, two joined rooms.
Trip had also placed detectors before the door of both cabins, so any visitors would be quickly detected. If someone came to his door and he was in T'Pol's cabin, he had only to walk through the adjoining door to welcome the guest at his own doorstep. But today if a crewmember were to buzz at this door he would stay here. Nothing could take him away from T'Pol. Today they would know if they would become parents.
After meeting with Liz Cutler, he and T'Pol had had a long talk in private. Trip had told her he wanted to leave Starfleet and start a family, but he'd also expressed his fear that the dangers of a pregnancy were too high.
"Do you really trust this new technology? I thought the development of an artificial womb was still in a very experimental stage."
"When we married, we agreed we both wanted children. I've been following the progress in the field of fertility techniques and other closely related ever since then," T'Pol told him. "This is the most advanced technology."
"You never told me that," he commented. "But then again, we haven't talked about having kids for a long time."
"The time never seemed appropriate," she answered. "We had a war to fight, and after the war we both had a hard time adjusting to the new situation. We were also both very reluctant to try again after our last attempt."
That was the understatement of the year. After the hard loss of their daughter, T'Pol's unexpected pregnancy three years ago had given them hope. Trip vividly remembered the glimpse of pure happiness on T'Pol's face when they had heard she was pregnant and the glow of joy that had been in her eyes. She had been so content until her miscarriage had dashed all hopes. A dark period of hopelessness, despair, grief and pain for both of them had followed.
"And now? Do you want to try again?" he asked, hoping and fearing at the same time that her answer would be yes.
T'Pol didn't answer the question, but started to explain the procedure. "It's ideal for a Vulcan-Human child. Even when conception is successful, my body would eventually reject the Human genes in the embryo, like it did the last time. If the baby were transported, before this happens, to the artificial womb, it would survive and would continue to develop, fully monitored. The womb would be fully adapted to her or his specific biological needs. Every precaution can be taken. This technology would greatly improve our chance of success."
"So your answer is yes," Trip concluded. A feeling of joy overcame him and he realized he wanted this baby as much as his wife. Still, he wasn't completely sure. "What about the risk for the child? Won't it affect the baby, growing up in a clinical water tank outside her mother's body? And what will we do if we lose the baby? I couldn't take that again, and I know it would kill you, too."
"Please sit down, Trip," T'Pol responded. They both sat down at the bed. T'Pol searched his face and took his hand in hers. Her smaller hand disappeared in his. "I can't wish for a better father for my children. For us, this is the best option. There are ways to connect with the baby, not only through technology, but also through our bond with the child. Whatever the technology used, the baby will be ours and we will cherish it. Our daughter was created by cloning and by scientists of Terra Prime who only thought of her as a tool. But…"
"From the moment we saw her, we loved her," he finished her sentence. "I know. But we also grieved for her and the baby we lost by your miscarriage. We have to face the possibility that we might lose yet another child."
Trip could sense T'Pol's great pain and despair through the bond, as she remembered both events. The pain didn't show on her face, however, and when she looked up at him, her expression was firm. "It would be painful," she answered, "but pain can't be avoided. It's worth the risk. Vulcans call it "rokel", the desire to have a child. Rokel means living hope - hope for something that can't be explained by logic. It's seen as one of the primal emotions of a Vulcan, rooted in us before the days of The Awakening. It's vital for our survival as a species and in that way, only logical."
"Rokel" he said, "what a beautiful word." He stood up and turned to her. "So where do we go from here? Back to the petri dish? I assume the natural way of conception is out of the question." As much as he wanted to have a child born out sweet surrender and love between him and his wife, Trip was enough of a realist to know that wasn't possible for them.
"Yes," she said and her voice sounded sad. "However agreeable that method is, our biological differences make it impossible to conceive in a normal way."
"Just agreeable?" he teased her in an attempt to lighten the mood.
It worked. T'Pol's eyes looked at him in amusement. "Exceptionally agreeable, Commander Tucker."
He laughed and vowed to himself that tonight he would show her how "exceptionally agreeable" their lovemaking could be. "Did you contact the doctor?" he asked.
"I will."
Trip moved a bit closer to his wife in the bed next to him. She was sleeping peacefully. He looked at T'Pol as she lay on her pillow, her beautiful eyes closed, her face in rest, her hair disheveled. Five years he had been married to her: a complex, wonderful, intelligent, compassionate and witty person. She challenged him; her observations still amused him. She had supported him throughout difficult times, her love and their bond sustaining him. It spite of their differences and difficulties, he wouldn't have missed a day with her.
They had spoken to Doctor Harris of the Fertility Research Department of the San Francisco Medical Center and with Phlox as well. Phlox was thrilled about the idea, and in secret they had started with T'Pol's treatments. The first two attempts had failed, but two weeks ago they had started the third attempt. Today they would know if that had been successful. Though neither had spoken about it, Trip knew both of them had great hope that this time the result would be positive. They were both ready to leave Starfleet and longing to start a new life with their own family.
T'Pol stirred in her sleep; after a few seconds she opened her eyes. Trip placed his arms around his wife and pulled her close. He placed his hand on her flat stomach, feeling her hot, soft skin under his fingers and wondering if in the belly beneath his hand, life – his child – was present. "Big day today."
"Yes," T'Pol answered. For a couple of moments, they lay together in silence. He observed her as she stared at the ceiling, deep in thought. Trip heard her take a deep breath before T'Pol slowly slipped out of the bed.
Trip stayed in the bed, watching her go. With one of those gestures he had seen a thousand times and never grew tired of, she arranged her disheveled hair and put on her robe. Suppressing feelings of nervousness – both hers and his - he waited patiently as she disappeared in the bathroom.
T'Pol came out holding a small box. Her eyes were fully focused on it as she told him she had finished the procedure and they only had to push the red button to hear if their attempt had been successful.
T'Pol pushed and a cracking computer voice told them "No pregnancy detected."
He swallowed and he felt waves of disappointment coming from T'Pol, drowning him. T'Pol didn't move or speak; she only stared at the box.
Trip felt a big lump in his throat forming, making speaking difficult. "Darlin'," he said in a hoarse voice, "I am so sorry," He pulled her on the bed, into his arms, caressing her back with his hands, over and over again in a desperate attempt to make the pain go away.
Buried into his shoulder T'Pol whispered, bringing up an old pain of hers, "I can't give you children."
"You don't know that," he comforted her. "We can try for another time. As long as it takes." He cupped her face into his hands and kissed her. She responded with a kiss that tasted of despair. The bond sizzled between them, fueled by their emotions. Desperate to find comfort, to touch, to hold, and to be one, they let their passion ease their sadness. Afterwards, in each other's arms, skin to skin, surrounded with the scent that was T'Pol, he fell into a merciful sleep.
When he woke up, T'Pol was looking intently at him, studying the lines of his face. "I am going to meditate," she said. Through the bond he felt her raw emotions pounding anew at her soul, reflecting his. He didn't meditate as much as she, but he needed it too.
"I'll join you," he responded.
She raised an eyebrow. "I am not shutting you out, Trip."
"I won't let you, woman. It's good for both of us," he answered. He took the candle from her closet and lit it. Then he kneeled down on a pillow and gestured her to do the same. Eyes closed, they focused on their white space, a beacon in the storm.