Hello hello, everyone! Good morning and Happy Thursday!
I hope you all had awesome weeks and are looking forward to fun weekends. This week has been busy, mostly because editing this chapter took way more time and work than I was expecting. At first I didn't think it would be too bad because it's so much conversation, HA. Not so. I've cleaned it up and moved enough around that I feel okay about it, but event his morning I woke up like, "OH MY GOD I NEED TO PUT THIS IN-" so yeah it was one of those. I'm probably overthinking it, but still.
I will say though, this chapter is really fun for several reasons, the most obvious being all those conversations. I love writing banter between friends, especially when it's rude as fuck like it tends to get here. Eren and Levi have such wonderful friends, they're lucky! We also get to hear from Armin in this chapter, and despite his anxiety I LOVE his narration, so I hope you all do too. Also we get to see Mikasa come out of her shell which is always a treat.
The main reason I think this chapter is fun though is because writing it originally took a while because I couldn't decide how I wanted to kill Zeke. As much as I'd love to stab him in the neck myself, in this story it had to be of natural causes. I called my mother, who is both a physician and the source of my fucked up sense of humor and asked, "Hey can I get your expert opinion on something?" She says of course, so I ask, "I need to kill someone but I can't decide how," and her immediate response is, "in real life or is this for something you're writing?" HA. Brilliant. Anyway I assured her I wasn't actually plotting murder and she started asking questions, who the character is, did it have to be natural causes, etc. (I made sure to tell her it could be super gruesome because I hate this character so much) and we go back and forth debating causes of death for like, ten minutes, until she goes, "Ooh, what about a brain aneurysm?" and I was like, "PERFECT" for reasons you'll all see in the chapter.
Mind you, this entire conversation was happening as I was walking up 7th Avenue at like, 11 o'clock in the morning, so god only knows what other people thought if they overheard. So yeah, huge shout out to my mom for helping me out here and at other parts of the story. Consider her another technical advisor, though I ask her for advice on all my work so that kind of goes without saying at this point.
And! FOR THE VIBES! Listen to Negative Noise by Tetrarch.
There's another story here, I'm sorry, I just fucking love this band. I saw them open for Atreyu (who will also hopefully make an appearance on our OST) in November and their set was so good even if Atreyu had been trash (they weren't) I wouldn't have cared. I'd never heard of them before and duuuude I was NOT prepared and I fucking love when that happens. I also met them after their set and they're super awesome, so yeah, check them out! Man that show was awesome.
Okay, that's enough, fic time!
Saturday morning, four days after he'd been thrust into all the bullshit associated with his half brother's death, Eren lay splayed out on the couch in the TV room at the back of the townhouse. His mother and father were also there, talking quietly and drinking coffee in matching arm chairs beside the TV that wasn't on, and Mikasa was sitting on the floor in her running clothes, stretching over her extended legs. However, Eren was ignoring them all to read messages from Levi.
what's so interesting?
6:03 AM
literally everything
what was the craziest cause of death?
8:17 AM
death by non-stop questioning leaves a body all kinds of fucked up
RIP
They'd been texting almost constantly in the intervening days, and Eren reread old messages when he didn't immediately get replies. They'd only ever talked about Levi's job, and though some of the stories were repetitive, they never got stale, and Eren's insomnia had become manageable again. Last night he'd actually gotten a full five hours uninterrupted, and probably would have gotten more had his mother not immediately swooped into his room like a vulture to take the sheets off his bed when he'd gotten up to pee.
Suddenly, Grisha's phone went off, and everyone except Eren looked up. "It's the ME's office," he told the room. Eren still didn't look up, but Mikasa and Carla exchanged a look, then watched him retreat into the hallway to take the call. A few minutes passed in tense silence until he reappeared. "It was an aneurysm," he said in a clinical voice.
"Oh my god," said Carla, eyes widening as she rushed to her husband's side. Grisha just took off his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered something that sounded like,
"Typical…"
Eren hastily cleared his throat to hide his snicker, and although his parents didn't notice, Mikasa shot him a warning look across the room, which told him the irony wasn't lost on her either.
"Do you think he'd have known?" Carla asked, rubbing Grisha's shoulder and casting a nervous glance at Eren, who was still doing his utmost not to laugh.
"What?" asked Grisha, rather snappishly, but then, "sorry," when Carla raised her eyebrows.
"Would Zeke have known about the aneurysm? Are there any symptoms?" Again, she glanced nervously at Eren, who said,
"Now you say it, I've had a headache all morning, I just figured it was because you wouldn't let me go back to sleep…"
"That's not funny!" exclaimed Carla and Mikasa at the same time.
"It's from being on your phone too much, more likely," Grisha shot back. Eren brought his phone pointedly up in front of his face, blocking everyone from view while they muttered darkly and made impatient noises. Eren had forgotten what it was like to have this much energy, and it wasn't entirely comfortable. He stared at the last few messages between him and Levi, then a text from Historia appeared at the top of the screen.
Hiya! I texted Mikasa but she didn't reply, do you guys wanna come over later?
"Nothing to worry about," Grisha reassured his wife, then sighed. "I need to call a funeral home, and-" he cleared his throat, and Carla rubbed up and down his back.
for what?
Just to hang out!
Ymir has the night off and it's been a minute since I've seen all of you
She wasn't wrong. It had definitely been a while since he'd seen her, or anyone besides Armin and Mikasa. When was the last time? Marco's birthday a few weeks ago, maybe? School had made it easy to see each other, though they were all in different colleges and programs, but even without the summer break Eren just hadn't been motivated. His body was too tired while his mind was too busy for anything besides people he'd likely never see again.
"I don't," Grisha cleared his throat again, "I don't even know who to call, aside from the extended family, obviously, but I've no idea who his close friends were, if he was dating anyone, or-"
"Don't you think he'd have been found sooner if he was?" asked Eren, returning to Levi's messages without replying to Historia.
"Eren!" cried Mikasa and Carla together, but out of the corner of his eye he saw his father raise his hand in an "it's not worth it, don't" sort of gesture. Eren rolled his eyes, uncomfortably aware of everyone still watching him.
"I'll figure it out like I always do," sighed Grisha, taking his wife's hand and kissing it before picking up his mug of coffee and retreating to his study. Carla turned to Eren and opened her mouth, but before she could lay into him, the timer on her phone chimed loudly, so she went into the basement to turn over the laundry instead.
"Are you okay?" asked Mikasa, the second they were alone.
"Yeah, why?" replied Eren, still looking at his phone. Mikasa sighed and got to her feet.
"Because Grisha isn't taking this well, and-"
"He never takes anything well," Eren interrupted, coldly, finally looking up at her over his phone. She met his gaze, her dark eyes full of a meaning he didn't understand or care to. "Do you wanna go to Ymir and Historia's later?" he asked, to get them off the subject.
"Oh, she texted you too? Yeah I suppose so." She was still staring at him, and he returned to his phone. "Who have you been texting? Besides Historia?" Eren flushed.
"No one." A moment's silence passed, and Eren hoped she'd back off, but,
"You've been sleeping better," she said, bluntly. Eren shrugged, staring at the messages as though he could force another one to appear.
"Eren! I'm putting clean sheets in your room, go make your bed!" his mother called, coming up from the basement.
"I could have done them myself," he reminded her, heaving himself off the couch and crossing the room.
"Were you serious about going out later?" asked Mikasa, her eyes on the back of his neck.
"Yeah," he replied, impatiently, before following his mother upstairs.
"Oi, get away." Levi pulled his legs up to his chest, away from the fluffy black and white cat trying to rub against his boot. She gave him a reproachful look, but kept purring as she rubbed her head against the stone wall he was sitting on instead.
"Aww, give her some love," teased Eld, taking a drag from one of the herbal cigarettes he loved but Levi couldn't see the point in.
"No, I've got fucking enzyme cleaner all over me, what if she gets sick?" The cat jumped up onto the wall, still purring. "Go away." She just blinked up at Levi and Eld laughed, took another drag and exhaled the smoke over his shoulder, also trying to avoid Gunther who was on the phone a little ways away. Apparently the cat belonged to the family who lived next door to their job site, though everyone on the block had come home to find her in their own houses at least once. "Little delinquent," said Levi, and she flopped onto her side and stretched, still watching him intently.
"Pot, have you met kettle?"
"Fuck off." Eld finished his cigarette and put it out against the stone wall.
"Think they've stopped arguing?" he asked, nodding over Levi's shoulder at the Tudor style house where they'd been working. An argument could still be heard from the open living room windows. They were in Spuyten Duyvil, an affluent enclave in the Bronx full of large houses with actual yards and lots of inheritance to fight over. The elderly woman who'd owned the house apparently hadn't been worth checking in on despite being in the advanced stages of liver failure. However, after her oldest son had grudgingly called Erwin early that afternoon, a whole slew of relatives had come pouring in with a lot to fucking say. It wasn't unusual, and although Levi knew both personally and professionally that grief sometimes manifested in less than productive ways, he didn't like this. Usually there was a family member who could mediate or de-escalate or remove all the especially volatile people from the situation, but no such luck here. Everyone had screamed at each other the entire time they'd been cleaning up the deceased's bedroom, which put the four of them on edge and slowed them down despite the relative ease of the job. The moment they were finished, Erwin had ushered them out of the house so he could take on the finalizations alone.
"They won't stop arguing the rest of their lives," Levi said, allowing a note of despair to creep into his answer.
"Or they'll kill each other before anyone can actually inherit anything," said Gunther, finishing his phone call and coming over to join them. "You all right, Levi?"
"Fine. Do-" but the arguing behind them stopped abruptly as Erwin's voice pounded through the windows. All three of them jumped and looked around and the cat streaked off into the nearest hedge. Although he couldn't understand what exactly Erwin was saying, Levi recognized his thunderous tone, though he'd only heard it a handful of times. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gunther and Eld, who weren't as used to it, exchange an alarmed look. However, just as suddenly as Erwin had raised his voice, silence fell again. Levi held up a hand in case Gunther or Eld was thinking of speaking, but then the front door creaked slowly open. Erwin stood framed on the threshold, his expression carved from cold fury, and all three of them shuddered as they felt his power and command viscerally. He motioned for them to come back inside, and though they all shared a sudden trepidation, disobeying didn't even occur to them.
Levi got to his feet and led Eld and Gunther up the short stone path and back inside the house. The entryway was thick with dust and tension, and they turned left into the living room where every son, daughter, grandchild and cousin of the deceased was looking shamefacedly away.
"My team is leaving now. Again, we're very sorry for your loss," said Erwin, in a mere ghost of his most commanding tone but more than enough to send a shiver through the room. "Have a good rest of your weekend and good luck. If there's anything else we can help you with, don't hesitate to reach out to us." He turned and caught Levi's eye briefly as he led the three of them out of the house.
The bright summer sun felt way hotter and twice as uncomfortable after the literal and figurative chill of the living room. No one spoke. Erwin unlocked the van and got into the driver's seat, Levi took shotgun as always and Eld and Gunther climbed into the back. Erwin started the engine and pulled away with a screech of tires, steering them purposefully through the quiet streets towards the highway. Almost a half hour passed in heavy silence, until,
"Are you going to tell us what happened?" asked Levi, carefully, after they took an exit to avoid the clusterfuck that was the Cross Bronx Expressway. Erwin sighed and gripped the steering wheel tighter, his eyes like chips of ice as they fixed upon the road.
"I just told them to stop arguing over petty nonsense when they're actually just feeling guilty about not caring for their relative while she was alive."
His tone was disappointed rather than angry, but Gunther let out a long low whistle, Eld muttered something and Levi grunted, "Good." Erwin's father had been a teacher, and he'd clearly inherited his ability of giving people a healthy dose of shame when needed.
"Here's hoping," replied Erwin.
They dropped off Gunther in Astoria a half hour later, then headed south to Prospect Park to take Eld home before making their way to Manhattan. Erwin's chill warmed by degrees, and when they pulled into a traffic jam on the BQE, he spoke normally.
"What are you doing the rest of the evening?"
"Taking a long ass shower and passing the fuck out?" Levi offered, staring at Erwin's sharp profile. He could tell he was still angry, but was now able to minimize and let go as he usually did. Levi had always envied his professional detachment, but when it failed him, it failed him. "Are you good though? Seriously…" Levi's heart sped up in his chest as Erwin's jaw tightened for a second, but then he sighed.
"I'll be fine. Something about that family just hit me the wrong way." He actually turned to face Levi, and his expression was much more reassuring. Levi just nodded and opened the glove compartment where he'd stuck his cellphone to find a message from Eren. He wasn't surprised, this kid was relentless, but he did appreciate the distraction.
it was an aneurysm
It took Levi a moment to realize what he was talking about, but then,
Oh shit I'm sorry to hear that
yeah my dad's taking it personally I think
cuz he literally does surgery on these on the regular
shit is so stupid
Levi gave a tiny snort of laughter, thinking of Kenny yelling at his mother, "You fucking junkie bitch, what the fuck?!" despite the people he associated with.
Yeah people tend to do that
Grief
do you see that a lot?
Fuck me, constantly
Today a family almost threw hands so my boss had to step in and set them straight
"Who are you texting?" asked Erwin. Levi didn't look up from his phone, wondering if Eren would find this as interesting as all the blood and gore.
"You mean you can't tell?"
"I never like to assume."
"Asshole."
yo what?
wtf happened?
Apparently so! Levi sighed and pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes. The task of typing out all the nuances and layers suddenly seemed exhausting, and he wasn't about to try it without a shower and a cup of tea and possibly a blunt. He thought of texting Eren that he'd tell him later, but decided it would be less annoying to someone so impatient if he just didn't say anything. He placed his phone between his legs on the car seat and faced Erwin, who said, in a low voice,
"It's kind of you."
"What is? Texting some kid about the horrors we see at work?" Traffic came to a standstill, and Erwin turned in his seat to face Levi properly.
"Taking notice," he said, simply. Levi felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up and knew they were both remembering. As far as Levi was concerned, Erwin had saved his life, but he doubted he was doing anything of the sort here.
Armin Arlert e-mailed his professor his paper, then leaned back in his chair with a sigh of relief, stretching one arm up and rubbing his eyes with his other hand. The paper wasn't due for another week and it was probably doing too much to send it this early, given the class was just his last tedious GenEd requirement, but he liked to stay ahead in case his work study offered him more hours. He didn't need the job, really, still living at home, but he felt guilty asking his grandfather for spending money or anything with which to line a savings account.
Anxiety fluttered in Armin's stomach, the way it always did when he thought about his future, but he tried to ignore it as he got to his feet and picked up the phone he'd left charging on his bedside table, as though keeping it out of reach would make it less distracting. He smiled at a text from Historia asking if he wanted to come over later, then at a text from Jean asking if he was going. He replied to Historia first,
Yes please! See you later!
Then to Jean,
Yes! Am I seeing you there?
Jean replied at once. He always seemed to have his phone in his hand.
Awesome! Yeah of course it's been a minute
I know, I'm sorry!
It had only been a week, but it still felt like a long time. Regardless, it had been an awesome night: they'd gotten dinner in the East Village with Connie and Marco, then walked uptown, dropping everyone off home as they went. They'd invited Sasha and Mikasa too, and though both of them declined saying they were busy, they only believed Sasha. If they didn't explicitly invite Eren, Mikasa very rarely came out with them, and Jean, Connie and Marco were increasingly reluctant to invite Eren anywhere. 'Not without good reason,' Armin thought, remembering Marco's birthday. His heart sank into his stomach as he wondered if Eren would be there tonight, if there'd be trouble, if he and Jean would exchange another "it's getting worse" look across the room.
Armin had known Eren for most of his life at this point, and he'd been aggressive and volatile and insensitive as far back as he could remember. Teachers punished him for it, Grisha and Carla just ignored it and their friends laughed and teased him about it, until of course Mikasa got in trouble with him.
"Like if you wanna screw yourself over that's whatever, but don't drag other people down with you," Jean had hissed across a library table during a study hall their junior year of high school. Eren had gotten into a fight with an upperclassman and they hadn't had the good sense to address their beef off school property. After Eren's adversary had punched him hard in the gut, Mikasa had intervened, and all three of them had been caught and given detention.
"Fuck you," Eren snapped back, turning a page of his calculus textbook so hard he almost tore it.
"I'm serious," persisted Jean, leaning across the table.
"So am I."
"All right, that's enough, you two are giving me a headache now," said Armin, and thankfully they both listened. However, on the walk home, Jean had unloaded as he hadn't done since Eren had wrecked Grisha's car.
"On some real shit, Armin, Mikasa's been running around after his stupid ass for way too long and it's not okay!"
"I know you're worried about her, I know," said Armin, placatingly, gripping Jean's shoulder as they made their way uptown.
"And you're not?!"
"Of course I am! I just…" But he had no idea what else to say. If he were honest, he just really didn't know what to do, but he didn't have the courage to be honest at that moment.
"Mikasa doesn't see it," Jean continued, and Armin's heart squeezed at the worry under his anger.
"I know she doesn't," he sighed, heavily.
"You can't blame her though, after what she went through," said Jean, and his whole aspect seemed to sag as though weighed down by sympathy.
"Yeah," sighed Armin, dropping his gaze to the ground.
Back in middle school, Armin had read a book where the protagonist had been the sole survivor of a horrific car accident, and she'd reminded him uncomfortably of Mikasa: detached, quiet and withdrawn. However, Mikasa hadn't always been that way. Armin remembered coming to Eren's house to play while she and her parents were visiting, and she'd been bright eyed and curious and fun. He wondered if she still remembered.
Jean was right: he couldn't blame her, but he also didn't understand why she clung to Eren the way she did at the best of times, let alone as his behavior became increasingly erratic. Armin's heart throbbed guiltily in his stomach. He hadn't told anyone about their beach trip because he didn't want to worry them, but he couldn't hide his tiredness at work the next morning.
"You look terrible," his colleague, Annie, had told him with characteristic bluntness when he'd walked into NYU's library.
"Late night," he'd replied, then flushed brightly when she raised her eyebrows in a clear "I didn't think you were the type" expression. "Studying!" They'd held each other's gaze a moment, then Annie had actually smiled, and the image had sustained him the rest of the day.
Don't apologize, we're Adults now!
Jean's text brought Armin back to the present, though he couldn't help but wonder how Annie would have reacted if he was that type.
Don't remind me…
Do you wanna take the train together?
yeah! we can pick up booze on the way
when do you wanna meet?
Armin checked the time, and saw he had plenty to get ready to go see his friends. As he replied to Jean, his heart rose back up to its rightful place in his chest, though it still felt rather heavy.
"Watch out," said Mikasa, suddenly, grabbing Eren's upper arm and yanking him out of the way of oncoming traffic.
"Oh," he replied, surprised, watching with a kind of vague interest as the taxis sped out of Central Park towards Times Square, glowing ominously just a few blocks south in the hazy sunset. Mikasa sighed, kept Eren's arm in her powerful grip, and pulled him across the street when the light changed. He rolled his eyes, thinking of elementary school when they'd all been forced to hold hands on field trips. "Let go," he told her, impatiently, when they were safely on the other side of the street. She gave him a look, but didn't need to be told again. Eren shoved his hands into his pockets and dug his fingernails into his sweaty palms.
They walked side by side in silence along the south edge of Central Park, dodging people crowding around overpriced food trucks and art vendors or else waiting for their turn to ride a horse drawn carriage. One horse shook her head against the older man pulling on her reins, and though Eren looked away, her scent filled his nose, chest and belly. More exploitation. Why the fuck couldn't people just walk? How was this supposed to be fun?
Thoughts upon frustrations upon hurts upon injustices chased each other through his mind, but the noise of the traffic and crowds around him prevented it from getting too loud as he kept moving forward. He'd learned about osmotic pressure in chemistry class, and it seemed to apply to noise too. Why people were so desperate to get out of the city was beyond him when sometimes even the nighttime quiet of his bedroom seemed too much. He recalled again those trips upstate from his childhood, the vast emptiness of the sky above and the black depths of the lake below. Maybe if he fell into either one the noise would also equalize and he'd actually be able to deal with the quiet.
"Do you still have a headache?" Mikasa asked, as they finally arrived at Columbus Circle and rounded an especially crowded corner to enter the subway station. It was especially muggy on the grimy platform, amplifying the smell of unwashed skin and dirty clothes emanating from a homeless man slumped over one of the wooden benches along the platform. Police were already making their way towards him, and Eren threw them a dirty look over his shoulder. "Eren?"
"What?"
"Do you still have a headache?" asked Mikasa, more insistently. Eren waited until they had stopped at the end of the platform before answering.
"I didn't actually feel sick," he muttered, turning away from a luminous advertisement across the tracks, "so don't worry about it."
"It's just-"
"Don't worry about it, okay? Please?" They both knew him telling her not worry would do fuck all, and his stomach curled annoyingly. He didn't understand why she couldn't just leave him alone, why she always had to chase and insert herself.
Two D trains and a C arrived before they finally saw an A, which trundled into the station at a leisurely pace and stopped three times before pulling all the way in. The doors opened, and those people who needed local service flooded out before Eren and Mikasa stepped into the crowded, dirty train car. The yellow orange light was ugly, but easier on the eyes than the overbright platform, and the blast of air conditioning was a relief. Eren took hold of one of the metal poles and the doors closed, opened, closed, then opened again, until the conductor's voice came on the loudspeaker,
"Hey, guy with the red backpack, I don't have anywhere to be!" Eren and Mikasa looked at each other and exchanged a laugh with those people who weren't wearing headphones. His stomach unwound some, and the doors were finally able to close. With that, the train pulled out of the station, speeding them towards 125th Street.
After an hour ride that without traffic would take twenty five minutes, Erwin parked outside Levi's building on a bustling Delancey Street. He pulled up the handbrake and looked at Levi, who hesitated before unbuckling his seatbelt. "Do you," he started to say, looking down at his phone on the seat between his legs, "want to come up for a while?"
"That's also kind of you," said Erwin, and the words tugged at Levi's heart. He looked up, and Erwin tilted his head to the side, his expression softening regretfully. "But I need to get back to the office. There's way too much bureaucracy and paperwork to take care of before I can have my day off."
"Asshole," replied Levi, sympathetically. Erwin smiled, and Levi felt the affection in his own chest.
"I'll see you soon."
"Mm." Keeping his eyes on Erwin, Levi unbuckled his seatbelt, gathered his things and climbed down from the truck, the hot summer air a shock to his system after so long in the air conditioning. He slammed the door, stepped back onto the sidewalk and watched Erwin pull away from the blue and orange sunset and turn left to head back to the office. Levi took a deep breath in and sighed it out, feeling the sun hot on the back of his neck, smelling the gasoline and trash, hearing the honking of car horns and chattering of voices and rumbling of the train beneath his feet. It was all so achingly familiar, and as he entered his building, he wished Erwin had agreed to stay.
Levi had spent his childhood and adolescence living back and forth between his mother's and Kenny's apartments, then settling at Erwin's for a few years until he could afford a place of his own. At the time, Erwin's prewar apartment in Hell's Kitchen had been the nicest he'd ever seen, and though he'd taken immediately to its cleanliness, its affluence had him feeling out of place and hostile unless Erwin was by his side. Erwin's presence was always grounding, comforting and, at the time, necessary, though of course, he'd also heartily resented feeling that dependent on another person.
Once back in his apartment, Levi stepped out of his shoes for a moment to tend to his plants and get one of the joints he'd pre rolled out of the tin on his coffee table. Hand rolling was a pain in the ass (even though he'd always been good at it) but he didn't trust anyone except Erwin to do it and bongs and pipes got disgusting way too quickly. Suddenly, his phone vibrated at a message from Hange.
It was a string of emojis in their shared group chat with Erwin, their favorite way to spam it, and Levi rolled his eyes though his heart swelled in his chest. He sent back an equally long string of emojis without even looking at his keyboard, then remembered Eren's message. Was that why Erwin hadn't come up? Levi shook his head and took his weed and a lighter to his building's roof deck, thinking he'd reply once he was high enough.
"Hey!" Historia threw open her door, smiling widely as she stood on tiptoe to hug Eren hello. He flinched in her arms, but didn't pull away. "How's things?" she asked, quietly.
"Fine," he replied at once, and she gave him an appraising look before hugging Mikasa hello too. She then stepped back to let them into the small apartment. Connie, Sasha and Marco were all sitting on the old couch with beers while Ymir was perched in an open window smoking a cigarette.
"Mikasa!" Sasha yelped, springing up and throwing herself into her arms. Mikasa smiled and lifted her off her feet, and she wrapped her legs around her waist as if climbing a tree.
"Hey, stop putting us to shame!" reproached Connie, reaching out to clasp hands with Eren. "What's good? You doing okay?"
"Yeah." He clasped hands with Marco too, and he gave him a warm smile that sent an uncomfortable flush up his neck.
"Here," said Historia, thrusting beer cans at Eren and Mikasa, who had put Sasha down but still had one arm around her waist. Eren opened his and took a sip. He wasn't much of a drinker, but he immediately felt more relaxed in spite of himself.
"Where'd you get these?" Mikasa asked.
"We're in Washington Heights, places around here don't card," Ymir reminded her, finishing her cigarette and putting it out on the rusted fire escape.
"What happened to quitting?" asked Mikasa, raising her eyebrows, and Ymir smiled and gave her the finger across the room. Mikasa shook her head and let go of Sasha to open her beer and take a sip. She gave it a distasteful look, and was about to say something when,
"If you wait a few minutes Jean will probably bring White Claw," said Eren. Everyone turned sharply towards him, and a moment's stunned silence passed before they all started laughing, even Mikasa.
"You best hope it's not Twisted Tea!" Connie exclaimed.
"Pfft, a Twisted Tea can isn't the weirdest thing Eren's taken to the face," said Ymir, crossing the room to stand behind Historia and wrap her arms around her. Everyone burst into more laughter, even Eren, because she did have a point. "Also, I said I was quitting before I had to work double shifts for a week straight, all right?"
"That's fair," Mikasa conceded.
"I hate waiting tables," Ymir sighed. She moved into kiss Historia, who said sharply,
"Don't kiss me right now." Ymir gave Mikasa and Sasha a look of outrage, though everyone else was still laughing.
"Cold," sighed Marco, pressing his drink free hand into his chest.
"Yo Historia's tough," said Connie, sagely. "Real talk if she met us somewhere like 'yeah I just knifed someone on the train' I wouldn't be surprised." Ymir swelled with pride while Historia replied, sarcastically,
"That's sweet of you, thank you." The sound of the buzzer rang through everyone's continued laughter and she disentangeld herself from Ymir to go answer the door. Ymir turned up the music on her phone as everyone fell into conversation, soft and flowing and easy. Eren broke the tab off his beer can and started chewing on it rather than contribute, but it didn't feel bad.
"Hi, are we late?" came Armin's voice from the doorway, followed by Jean's,
"I forgot the 1 train isn't running above 137th street, my fault."
"Oh that sucks," Historia groaned sympathetically as she hugged them both hello.
"We brought more liquor, though," said Jean, holding up a plastic shopping bag.
"In that case you're right on time!" grinned Ymir, while everyone else greeted them enthusiastically with more words, hugs and clasped hands. Eren remained where he was and said nothing, just rolled the metal tab back and forth with his tongue, his heart speeding up but not alarmingly. When Jean eventually approached him, he clasped hands with him.
"How've you been, okay?" he asked, in genuine concern. Eren just shrugged, and Jean nodded understandingly. "Yeah." Eren wondered if his sympathy was about Zeke dying or because of the fallout from his parents, because so far that was way more annoying to deal with.
"Nice vest, Jean!" Ymir called from the kitchen where she was pouring the vodka he'd brought into solo cups. Jean straightened up and extended his arms.
"Thanks, it is nice, right?"
"Do you like it, Mikasa?" Ymir asked in an innocent tone that deceived no one.
"All right, it's early," interjected Armin, warningly, extending his hand as though slicing through the impending conflict. It apparently worked, because Ymir just shrugged and asked everyone what mixers they wanted.
Under the cover of the distraction, Armin made his way over to Eren and hugged him. Eren bit down on the metal tab, but didn't flinch, indeed his throat tightened a little as Armin let go of him. "How are you?" he asked, his eyes full of concern in a deeply familiar expression. Eren had no idea what to say, so he just drank more beer instead, making sure not to swallow the tab. Armin tilted his head to the side. "Yeah," he said, softly, echoing Jean. "When's the funeral?" Eren tucked the metal tab into his cheek.
"I have no idea."
"Do you want me to go with you? I'm sure your parents will make you go." Eren knew he was right. Armin was always right.
"Dude I dunno, you don't have to do that," he muttered, looking away, heat in his chest and neck.
"I know," replied Armin, simply, and Eren looked into his best friend's face, his earnest blue eyes, and his throat tightened painfully again.
"My parents would probably get more out of having you there than me," he said, in a constricted voice. Armin's eyes widened, and Eren drank more beer. However, before Armin could actually reply, Historia appeared beside them with a beer for Armin.
"Thank you!"
"Of course! Did you work today?" Armin went slightly pink, but didn't look away.
"No no, I was doing school work all day." Historia pouted her lips sadly and patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay!" he said, hastily, cracking open his beer and taking a sip with a sigh of relief. "This was necessary though, thank you."
"I thought it might be!"
Eren started to chew the metal tab again and checked his phone, no longer interested in the conversation. However, his eyes widened excitedly at a message from Levi. He took a step back from Armin and Historia to read it, his heart slowing and throat easing immediately. He read the account of the family arguing and Levi's boss's intervention in his smooth voice, and though the bickering reminded him uncomfortably of his own family, he pictured every detail. After reading it through several times, he replied,
holy shit that's fucking crazy
He looked around at all his friends, talking and laughing unconcernedly about other things, and wondered again what it'd be like if he died. Would they all grieve and cry? Or bicker and fight? Perhaps Zeke's funeral would give him some insight.
After getting comfortably high on his building's roof deck, Levi returned to his apartment, put on soft music, took a hot shower and sat on his couch in clean clothes with dinner and a cup of tea. He felt totally chilled out, as if someone had picked up his mind and shaken it like a blanket, removing all dirt and debris and smoothing any wrinkles.
He reached for his phone to change the music and reply to Eren's messages while ignoring Hange's most recent string of emojis.
my brother's funeral will probably be like that
Levi's eyes widened, and he made a soft noise of sympathy.
Are you worried?
Chat bubbles appeared, disappeared and appeared again, and Levi imagined Eren typing, erasing and retyping with a little pull in his chest. As the effect of the drug intensified, he felt his mind sink into his body, leaving him much more aware of his breath and heartbeat than his thoughts.
nah it is what it is
what are you doing tonight?
Levi rolled his eyes, his lip twitching as he wondered how truthful to be.
Nice deflection
Just got out of the shower, now I'm high on my couch
Unwinding
He suppressed a laugh and tucked his legs up under him. As he shifted on the couch, his clothes pulled against his skin, and the sensation, like his heartbeat, seemed magnified in his high.
Eren spat the metal tab into his empty beer can, then went to get another, excitement flooding his body as images flooded his mind. Despite his snark, Levi had seemed so serious, Eren wouldn't have thought him the type to smoke, but then again with that line of work you'd probably need something to take the edge off or whatever. It made sense, but also, if Levi just got out of the shower, before that he was in the shower, and Eren closed his eyes and imagined his powerful, muscular body naked under the hot water, his dark hair wet against his proud, angular face.
Eren bit down on the rim of his beer can and opened his eyes to read the messages again. As he tried to paint more pictures in his mind, it occurred to him for the first time to wonder about Levi's life outside of his job. Where was he unwinding with his weed? Did he live alone? What else did he do outside of work? Eren's heart sped up from excitement and alcohol, and he tried to corral his spinning mind to reply, though everything he was imagining was very distracting.
that sounds fucking awesome
I'm at my friend's place for a party
but that seems like a way better time
He hesitated, wondering what else to say, but, "Eren, we're gonna play Kings!" called Connie from across the room, and Eren looked up to find all his friends gathered in a circle by the couch. A beer boot Ymir had stolen from work was standing proudly in the center, surrounded by a whole deck of facedown playing cards.
Eren bit down on the inside of his lip, but shoved his phone back in his pocket, slouched over and sat on the floor beside Armin, who asked, "Who were you texting?" Eren hesitated, chewing harder on his lip as he stared into his friend's face. He could tell him, but not here. Not now.
"Don't worry about it," he replied in an undertone, and Armin just nodded as Ymir went over the house rules.
Levi's lip curled in a soft, intoxicated smile as he watched Hange reply to their group chat with Erwin.
Four Eyes
I told you that!
Where?
Hange copied and pasted one of their paragraphs of emojis.
Four Eyes
There!
Oh that's what you meant? My bad…
Four Eyes
WELL you replied to it
So I assumed you understood what I was talking about!
Keep working on the doctorate, you specky fuck
Erwin
You know emojis aren't dissimilar from petroglyphs, if you think about it…
Levi snorted, then switched to Eren's messages.
that sounds fucking awesome
I'm at my friend's place for a party
but that seems like a way better time
Oh yeah?
What type of party?
In the sober, rational part of his brain, Levi knew that encouraging this now would probably mean a slew of drunk texts later. However, he felt expansive while high and talking to Erwin and Hange. Or maybe he just gave fewer fucks.
the type where we all sit around on someone's floor and drink and talk shit
Levi snorted. He liked those. He and his friends and colleagues still had them, and though Levi didn't drink anymore and they very rarely escalated, watching people try to keep up with Erwin doing strike outs was the most entertaining shit ever. On the other hand, parties in his teens had been a source of drugs and booze and half the people who attended were armed in case some shit went down. You got fucked up to be fucked up, to chase oblivion without the commitment of actual death.
Are you bored?
"Three, that's me!" cried Sasha, pointing at the card she'd flipped over and taking a hearty swig of her drink. "Delicious!"
"Obviously, even shitty vodka's made from potatoes," grinned Ymir.
"Thanks, because Sasha hasn't been hearing that joke for years," said Mikasa, rolling her eyes. Everyone laughed, especially Sasha. "Okay, next is me." She flipped over a card as Eren's phone went off in his pocket. "Six, chicks!" Eren read Levi's message while all the women in the room drank.
Are you bored?
Eren furrowed his brow. The question took him by surprise and he knew another spring of curiosity about what Levi was like outside of work. 'Are you bored… Am I bored?' He looked around the room, at the friends he'd had since middle school, the people he spent the most time with, the people who in theory he cared about above anyone else, and recalled the last time they'd all gotten together like this, back in June for Marco's birthday.
The plan was to go for dinner, then to some bar off Canal Street that didn't card. It was a good idea in theory, but not so much in practice: Eren hadn't slept at all the night before, the lights were sharp on his eyes, the crowds were heavy against his body and every word anyone spoke to him sounded like a threat or a challenge.
He was sat beside Armin at the junction between two tables pushed up together, staring at the food he felt way too sick to eat, while the noise and lights pressed in around him. The longer he sat there, the brighter and louder everything seemed to get, until he felt it all close in around him, swallowing the noise and blending every color into white.
His heart pounded and his head spun and when his stomach heaved he stood up abruptly and left the group without a word to anyone. He wound his way through all the tables, chairs, noise, lights and people, desperate to escape, then burst out onto Baxter Street, the city lights and noise swimming in the swampy air like a mirage.
He gasped and braced against the brick wall of the building next door, clutching his chest with his other hand and digging his fingernails into his skin. He breathed in lungfuls of air that he couldn't exhale because his chest was burning too hot, holding it all in. He was sure it'd explode from the pressure if it didn't suffocate him first-
"Eren!"
"Are you okay? What happened?! Mikasa wait!" Despite Armin's warning, Mikasa grabbed Eren roughly by the arm and he shuddered and cried out, finally forcing the trapped air, smog and heat out of his lungs and throat. He gasped and coughed, his eyes watering from the force of it, until he was finally able to get his voice back. "Let go," he commanded, as firmly as he could. He shook her off and leaned against the building, breathing deeply through his open mouth, eyes closed against the street lights. No one spoke for a good five minutes, until,
"Are you okay?" Armin asked again, sounding frightened. Eren opened his eyes and found his best friend looking back at him with a fearful expression. He had no idea what to say, he had no idea what had happened. Everything was just too bright and too heavy and he'd needed a second.
"I'm fine," he snapped, waving Armin and Mikasa away, and though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he went back inside the restaurant. However, in the aftermath of whatever the fuck that was, everything feeling too bright, too loud, too heavy, too threatening, was even worse, and Marco asking,
"Hey are you okay?" was like a lit match to a powder keg.
"Fuck you, I'm fine!"
"Eren what the hell is your problem?!" Jean demanded, jumping to his feet at once, and their friends got between them until Mikasa could drag Eren back outside.
"Eren, it's your turn!"
"What? Oh, sorry," he replied, shaking his head and drawing a card, face and neck flushing uncomfortably.
"Drunk already?" asked Jean, grinning.
"Shut up. Nine."
"Bust a rhyme!" exclaimed Sasha.
"Kill it, MC Nosebleed," smirked Ymir. Eren glared at her across the table.
"Orange," he said, coldly, and Connie, who was sitting on his other side, said,
"Fuck you, oh my fucking god," but drank in good grace, and under the cover of everyone else's laughter, Eren finally replied to Levi's message.
not bored
but I'd rather hear more of your stories than be here
Levi stared at Eren's message for a long time. He was sure he was trying to say something, but couldn't tell if the message was some kind of clumsy proposition or an expression or some need he couldn't articulate. Indeed, he knew a sudden rush of sympathy as he remembered how the two were sort of one in the same when he'd been that age.
Well I'm glad they satisfy something for you
Levi wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic. He imagined Eren at this party, texting while his friends were doing other things, and knew another rush of sympathy when the chat bubbles appeared.
they'd be more satisfying in person tho
"The fuck," Levi breathed, staring hard at the message, his heart speeding up a little. He recalled again Eren's intensity, his uncontained wildfire of energy, and felt yet another rush of sympathy.
Is that so?
yeah
for real tho can we meet up sometime?
From the depths of his high brain rose the image of Eren's pretty eyes, his Cupid's bow, his broad shoulders and narrow hips.
I could come see you whenever
Are you always so pushy?
His group chat with Erwin and Hange was blowing up again, but he ignored it, waiting for Eren's reply and feeling the heat from his untamed fire even though they were far apart.
not pushy
just curious
Smooth
However, Levi had the distinct impression that Eren was always this pushy and that any smoothness was incidental. He sighed, trying to think of when he was on call next week while also reminding himself that he'd probably cancel once he was back in his right mind anyway.
so can we?
You free Monday?
"Jack, never have I ever!" Historia placed the card face up on the table and everyone held up three fingers resignedly. "Never have I ever," she said, slowly, squinting challengingly around the room, "been so high in class I fell out of my chair." Everyone laughed, except Connie, who said,
"Listen," put down a finger and continued, "it's only funny because I didn't get expelled, okay?"
"Yeah if you'd been expelled it would have been hilarious," said Ymir.
"God you are such an asshole…" There was more laughter as everyone turned to Marco, who was sitting beside Historia.
"Hm," he said, staring thoughtfully at his fingers, then around the room. "Well since we're already coming out mad pointed for no reason: never have I ever come in my own eye." Everyone laughed, and Jean shoved his middle finger in Marco's face. "Go off, Squirtle," said Marco, composedly, pushing Jean's hand out of the way to more gales of laughter.
"Hold up, what does that feel like?" asked Sasha, with great interest. Mikasa closed her eyes and shook her head in disbelief, but Jean didn't seem to notice as he considered the question.
"You ever get sunscreen in your eye? Imagine that on steroids."
"Oh my god," sighed Mikasa, smiling as she ran her fingers through her hair and Sasha fell against her laughing. Jean flushed, and Marco clapped him on the shoulder, clearly trying to look sympathetic though he was biting back a laugh of his own.
"You had to go and fucking tell us," Eren reminded him.
"Says the guy whose entire PornHub history is freaky torture videos," he shot back.
"All right," said Armin, loudly, placing his hand between them again.
"Yeah that's more than any of us needed to know, thank you," said Historia.
"Fuck you, Jean," muttered Eren, rolling his eyes.
"Fuck you and fucking clear your browser history before you let someone else use your computer!"
"All right you two need to either suck each other's dicks or get the fuck out of my apartment," Ymir interjected, though she was clearly enjoying the show. Jean continued to glare at Eren as he said, grudgingly,
"Yeah yeah. Never have I ever-"
But Eren had stopped listening. He could feel everyone watching him and he didn't like it. Discreetly he checked his phone, and thankfully there was a message from Levi.
You free Monday?
"Oh fuck," Eren cried, without meaning to, and his friends' conversation stopped abruptly, but he barely noticed as he replied.
fuck yes what time?
"Oh fuck what?" asked Connie, apprehensively, but Eren just finished his drink and faced his friends, impervious to their stares now armored by actual plans with Levi.
"Nothing," he replied, before going to get another beer from the fridge.
Levi stared at the message for a moment, the heat growing stronger.
I have the whole day off, come over in the afternoon
'What the hell am I doing?' he asked himself, but then Erwin texted him outside of the group chat.
How's your night?
Fine
I should have come up and smoked with you
Levi tilted his head to the side, an almost nostalgic feeling gnawing suddenly in his chest.
You fucked up
Agreed
Next time?
Levi rolled his eyes.
Go jerk off and go to sleep
Haha…
Good night, Levi
Levi didn't reply, the nostalgic feeling gnawing more insistently, but was it true nostalgia when it was for one of the most painful times in his life? "Fuck this," he said out loud, because he had no desire to get introspective at that moment. He texted Eren a time and an address, then got off his couch to clean up and get ready for bed. His mind was bubbling, bringing up thoughts of Erwin, of Eren, of fifteen years ago, of Monday, all the while his heart continued to beat, loud as ever in his ears.
After Kings, Eren stood beside the open window in a tipsy daydream for a while. He had time with Levi, in person, at his apartment and everything! He imagined Levi telling him work stories in his soothing voice, Levi looking at him with those grey eyes, Levi's strong hands digging into his hips and teeth in the back of his shoulder…
"Eren?"
"What?" Historia had appeared suddenly in front of him, leaning against the wall on the other side of the window. A gentle breeze blew their neighbor's music across the air shaft and ruffled their hair.
"How's your family dealing?" she asked, forthright as always. It took a minute for Eren to wrench his mind away from Levi, but when he did he didn't resent her as much as he might have.
"We found out Zeke died of an aneurysm. A burst artery in the brain," Eren added, and Historia's look of confusion changed into one of horrified understanding.
"Bet your dad loved that." Eren rolled his eyes.
"Exactly."
"Is Carla doing okay?" Historia asked next.
"I guess so. Zeke wasn't her kid." Historia opened her mouth, but seemed to change her mind.
"Do you know when the funeral is?" Eren just shrugged. "Are you worried?" Eren's lip twitched as he thought of Levi, and he gave Historia the same answer.
"Nah, it is what it is." Historia nodded.
"When my dad died, my half siblings were actually pretty cool at the funeral," she said, after a moment, so quietly that no one else could hear, though of course they all knew the story. "They saved all their resentment to put my mom through hell over inheritance." She smiled rather sadly, and Eren managed a small smile too.
"At least Zeke's mom is dead," he said, fairly, and Historia shook her head, though she was still smiling.
"It does keep things less complicated." She stared at him with narrowed eyes, though again, her concern didn't bother him as much as it might have done.
"Hey!" Eren and Historia looked up and found all their friends staring at them.
"Yes?" asked Historia, raising her eyebrows.
"Sasha's birthday!" exclaimed Connie, raising his drink. "She wants to do hot pot!"
"In July?" asked Historia, smiling at Sasha, who raised her arms and let out a feral scream.
"ALL YOU CAN EAT KNOWS NO TIME OF YEAR!"
"She's not wrong," said Mikasa, supportively. Historia toasted her and rejoined the group so they could all plan properly when to go and who to invite and how to get there. Eren remained where he was, watching his friends as though from the wrong end of a telescope. The disconnect snagged inside his chest, and with a little shudder he realized he was done with the party. He pulled out his phone to text Mikasa that he wanted to leave. She started when she got the message, but she read it at once. Something in her face fell, and Eren closed his eyes as she made their excuses.
Oh I think we all know where this is going...!
Be grateful Eren's so impatient, any other pair I'd drag it out for 100k words at least. (NO, I DON'T WANT THAT! I WANT THE FIC TO SLOWBURN FOR 100K WORDS AT LEAST!)
GOD SORRY.
Anyway, what did you all think? Who do you feel bad for? What are you excited about? Let me know!
Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!