Good afternoon! Or I guess this is evening now? Who knows, spring is weird. Regardless, Happy Thursday!

I hope you've all been doing well! I won't lie, my last week has been ridiculously stressful, but I think things are starting to chill out, but of course now I've said that some bullshit is bound to happen. Such is life I suppose!

Regardless though, this chapter. THIS CHAPTER.

I have a lot more to say and a lot more to get excited about here, so I hope you all feel the same way! If you're familiar with my work at all, you'll know that I love a good flashback, and this chapter is mostly flashbacks, just in case the title didn't make that clear. I think these are all really interesting though, especially those about Levi. I remember watching Season 3 the first time and seeing Levi's origin and it just SHATTERED my heart. Like, I knew it wasn't gonna be good but holy shit I was not prepared. I also never made any jokes about him not being tall after that, and I'm sure if you saw the episode or read it you'll understand why. Anyway, I knew going into this story that Levi was gonna have had a rough upbringing, and I felt bad putting more suffering on him since he's such a wonderful person (I know he can take it because he's resilient as fuck, but still) but I like to think it was necessary and isn't exploitative. I'll be curious what you guys think!

I think that's it, really... Yeah. Just building up for the absolute trainwreck that's next week's chapter. Ha ha ha! Ha ha... ha...

For the vibes! Listen to I Knew And Will Forever Know by Lacrimas Profundere.

Enjoy!

Friday morning, Eren lay on his front in bed, music blaring and curtains drawn and face buried in the t-shirt he'd worn to Levi's. He'd woken up long before the sun had risen and couldn't get back to sleep, and though he had no idea what time it was now, he did know that it had been exactly four days since he'd seen Levi, and that it felt like fucking eons.

He'd come home from Levi's apartment feeling relaxed and wrung out and content, almost like his brain and body had been reset. This didn't surprise him, he'd felt like that after getting fucked before, but it was never this powerful, and he loved it. He'd used his sore throat as an excuse to go straight to bed, and his family had actually left him alone. He'd been able to sleep through the night, and the next morning the sunlight seemed soft and dewy rather than sharp and painful.

"Are you feeling better?" Mikasa asked, when he found her in the kitchen.

"Yeah," he replied, smirking as the word pulled at his throat and helping himself to the coffee she'd made. "You're going running?" She nodded. "I'll go with you." Mikasa's eyes widened.

"Are you sure you'll be all right?" Eren rolled his eyes, but he wasn't actually mad. It was hard to be mad with his mind and body still so full of Levi.

"Of course, otherwise I wouldn't have said it." She smiled and nodded again.

Unfortunately, Eren's throat no longer hurt, the bruises on his chest didn't ache and his t-shirt only smelled like Levi's detergent in his imagination. Gone also were his physical contentment and mental quiet and of course, his ability to sleep more than an hour at a time. It had all receded like the ocean at low tide, leaving all the living things in the shallows dry and exposed.

There was a knock on the door, and his mother opened it before he could muster the energy to respond. "Eren, I-" she paused on the threshold. "Could you turn down your music, please?" Eren curled tighter into himself, the words and the light pouring in from the hallway uncomfortable and intrusive. "Eren, I'm talking to you!" Mustering his strength, he lifted his head and faced his mother, his t-shirt stuck to the side of his face by sweat and tears he couldn't remember crying. Impatient, Carla approached the bed and smacked the space bar on Eren's laptop. The music stopped abruptly.

"What?" Eren demanded, but his mother just placed her hand on his forehead. Her cool touch was almost sharp against his skin and he shuddered.

"Do you still have that sore throat? You feel warm to me."

"It's a million degrees outside," Eren reminded her, his heart speeding up uncomfortably. His mother raised her eyebrows, but pressed on.

"I need to steam your suit before the funeral tomorrow, where is it?"

"I can do that myself," Eren reminded her, coldly.

"You can, but you won't," Carla snapped. "Is it still in here?" Without waiting for an answer, she crossed the room and pulled his closet door open.

"Mom, seriously," Eren groaned, forcing himself to sit up, but she ignored him. He bit down hard on the inside of his lip as he watched his mother pull out the suit he'd worn to his high school graduation, still wrapped in dry cleaner's plastic. "Do you really need to steam it if it's been in my closet for a fucking year?"

"Watch your language," Carla snapped, staring at it appraisingly before carrying it out of the room, not bothering to shut the door behind her.

Frustration gave Eren the strength to heave himself out of bed, cross the room and slam the door. He stood there a moment, still chewing his lip and glaring resentfully at the faded band poster he'd taped there years ago. Their art was aggressive, bloody, apocalyptic, and seemed to swim before him as the effort of standing up became too much, or maybe that was the walls closing in, shrinking the floor, throwing him off balance.

He staggered drunkenly back to his bed and fell forward, heart pounding and thoughts spinning dizzyingly. He screwed up his eyes and buried his face in his t-shirt, inhaling the last few molecules of the comforting scent he imagined still clung to it. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly enough, and the walls were still closing in, the floor was still moving underneath him, until, unable to stand it, he seized his phone to text Levi.

are you still at work?

Though he probably was.

can I come over the day after tomorrow?

He then scrolled up to read through older messages, taking comfort in Levi's words and consistency.

my throat hurts

Good

You'll quit talking so much shit

no way

Eren turned his music back on and shoved his knuckles in his mouth.

"What are they saying?" Eld asked Levi, discretely. Levi stopped spraying enzyme cleaner to catch Erwin's words in the other room.

"He's just telling the super how much longer this should all take." Levi looked around grimly. In his opinion, Erwin had been delusional to estimate eight hours when they'd arrived that morning. "Ocho horas más," he muttered, glaring into the crumbling grout between the shower tiles, trying to determine how much was mildew and how much was blood or brain. In the bedroom, Petra, Oluo and Mike were dismantling the bed, shoving the blood soaked sheets into biohazard bags and taking apart the frame.

They were in a Section 8 building in Hunt's Point. The rumbling of the 6 train made the grimy windows shake, or maybe that was just the rats they could hear scurrying in the walls. Levi sprayed more enzyme cleaner onto the porous grout, then pressed a paper towel to it, getting as close to the bullet hole as he dared. The police and forensics team had left the night before, but it never hurt to be cautious.

"There's been a murder/suicide in the South Bronx," Erwin had told them all that morning, his tone bracing. "I'll need all of you." Oluo accidentally bit his tongue, then swore, while Petra and Eld exchanged a look and Mike's grip on his mug, which pictured a reading nose and said "Make it make scents!" tightened, though he said nothing. Erwin's tone and the number of technicians needed concerned Levi way more than any cause of death or location, but when they'd arrived he'd completely understood.

The small, decrepit apartment was awash in blood; the bedroom walls, ceiling and floor were splattered and the bed was soaked through and riddled with bullet holes. The murder had taken place there, apparently, while the suicide had happened in the bathroom, which was in a similar state. Blood was splashed across the wall tiles and had dripped down into a sticky pool on the floor of the tub. The entire place stank of death.

While one of the victims' cousins signed Erwin's paperwork under the super's mournful eye, Levi and the rest of the team had gone back out to the van to suit up and get supplies, avoiding the stares of neighbors peering out from around doors.

"You couldn't have kept it to one room?" Levi asked as he opened the back of the van, well out of earshot of anyone besides his colleagues.

"Seriously, how inconsiderate," said Petra, making Eld and Mike laugh.

"Well, anyone who does something like this clearly has little regard for others," Oluo reminded them, sagely, and everyone laughed and agreed. As they suited up, Levi relished the solidarity, the understanding that jokes like this were necessary. People who didn't get that would often become righteously angry when they heard such comments. If Levi were honest, though, he prefered that to some iteration of "Wow you have a really dark sense of humor!" which was fucking condescending. However, as he zipped up his Tychem suit, he thought, 'Eren can keep up, though.' Before he put his gloves on, he texted him,

I have to clean brain off a wall today

don't get a prion disease

Levi had actually smiled.

I will do my best

Levi took the paper towels away from the grout and furrowed his brow. The bathroom had clearly been poorly maintained for a long time, so he doubted he'd be able to get it as clean as he'd want it. However, he'd learned from Kenny, long before he met Erwin, a few measures he could take.

Some early spring evening, Levi must have been eight or nine, Kenny had come over for dinner rather than because he'd called him after his mother had fallen apart. Indeed, she was up and about in their own Section 8 apartment, cooking with the radio on. Levi sat on the couch, humming softly to whatever song was playing with a mug of tea his mother had made for him in both hands. There was a sudden scraping at the door as Kenny unlocked it with his own key, and Levi set down his tea, jumped up and sprinted over.

"What's up, kid?" Kenny asked, gruff as always, but smiling. "You been good?" Levi nodded, and Kenny ruffled his hair before crossing the room to kiss his sister on the cheek. "And you, staying off the game?"

"So far so good!" Kenny grunted his approval. He took off his coat, cracked the kitchen window and lit a cigarette while they exchanged a few words, caught each other up on news, then, "Oh, before I forget, while you're here could you look at the bathroom? Tiles keep coming off the walls." Kenny exhaled a thin stream of smoke out the window.

"The fuck happened now?"

"I'm not sure, and management still hasn't come."

"Typical." Kenny strode into the bathroom and Levi scurried after him, peering into the room with his hands on the doorframe. "The seal around the tub is fucked!" he yelled over his shoulder. "The tiles too-" but then he spotted Levi. "Come with me, this needs to get fixed." Levi's heart leapt and he sprinted back across the room to put on his shoes and jacket.

"Where are you going?" his mother asked him, but it was Kenny who replied, pulling his coat back on, cigarette between his teeth.

"Hardware store. We'll be back in no time." He exhaled more smoke through his nose. "Levi should know how to fix shit like this, fuck waiting for supers and landlords. Fucking scum." Levi didn't understand, but nodded anyway.

"Levi's going to live in a nice place when he grows up though," said his mother, smiling at him. "Give me a kiss." She bent down so Levi could rush forward and kiss her on the cheek.

"Let's go, kid," said Kenny, and they left the apartment together.

The early spring air bit at Levi's hands and cheeks, but he barely noticed. He was used to going around by himself, but he much preferred having his uncle with him, even if he had to sprint to keep up with his long strides. They headed south, away from the pump station, the sidewalk covered in trash and half melted snow, graffiti and dog shit. The day was overcast, but bright, and music and police sirens blared from a few blocks away. "You still doing good in school?" Kenny asked as they passed the laundromat. Levi inhaled the smell of detergent and nodded. "That's fucking right."

They turned right and entered the tiny hardware store on Avenue C. There were iron bars on the windows and the interior was dark and smelled of wet paint and rubber. Levi stuck close to Kenny as he found the sealant and epoxy they needed, while in another aisle, a few teenage boys were arguing over which spray paint to buy. However, when Kenny spotted them he yelled, "The fuck are you gonna deface now?" The boys started and looked at Kenny, then each other, clearly unsure what to do. "Go draw something actually productive, ignorant brats." One of them started to argue back, but his friend muttered something in his ear and he seemed to think better of it. They put the spray paint back and left shamefacedly. Kenny shook his head, then approached the counter. "Sorry to cost you that sale," he told the man working, but he just laughed and waved the words aside.

"I wasn't gonna sell to them anyway. You have a good day, now."

"Yeah you too." Kenny placed his hand on Levi's upper back and guided him out of the store, then on a detour to a bodega to pick up dessert. Kenny complained loudly to the man behind the counter as he was ordering, but Levi didn't understand more than "that rat bastard Guiliani" and "taxes," so he went to play with the well fed cat lying on a crate of soda instead. She purred and rubbed enthusiastically against his hand, and he smiled and scratched her ears until Kenny came to collect him. "Let's go kid," he said, also petting the cat before slipping Levi one of the cookies he'd bought. "Don't tell your mom I let you have one before dinner, even though it's her fault you're so tiny." Levi threw a punch at him, but Kenny caught his small fist in his huge hand and laughed uproariously. "That's my boy!"

When they got back to the apartment, Levi helped Kenny reseal the tub and replace the tiles with all the funny smelling glues and gels. They had dinner while it all set, then scrubbed the tiles clean for good measure before finally having dessert. Levi's mother's music playing gently in the background the entire time.

As an adult looking back, Levi could spot many moments like this, little bubbles of warmth and safety amidst the chaos of his upbringing, though he also recognized that it was all an illusion. His mother had relapsed again just a few weeks after that sweet evening, and Levi had called Kenny when there was no more food in the fridge or cash in her wallet. "Goddamn it, you should have called sooner, I'll be right there!" Even though Kenny had been furious, Levi had cried with relief.

"Levi, is there more bleach?" asked Eld, bringing him back to the present.

"If there isn't more in the other room there's definitely more in the van." Eld nodded and called over his shoulder.

"Hey, Petra?"

"I wish those purple sweet potatoes were still in season, they're so good- huh?"

"Do you have more bleach?"

"Yeah I've got some here."

"Thank god, there's still a huge crowd outside the door and I'm not trying to go through it."

"Completely fucking fair," muttered Levi, though they couldn't hear him, and the conversation returned to purple sweet potatoes.

"Hello?" Mikasa sounded slightly surprised, and Armin flushed. He could have just texted her, but actually calling her seemed better for what he wanted. He pressed the phone harder against his ear.

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm okay I guess, trying to finish this Ethics paper." Armin groaned sympathetically and began to pace back and forth across his bedroom.

"Yeah it's brutal, I-"

"I also heard Eren and Carla earlier," interrupted Mikasa, without any indication that she'd heard him. "She nags him so much, Armin, I just-"

Armin stopped pacing and took his phone away from his ear, though he could still hear her voice, tinny and agitated in the tiny phone speakers. He should have expected this, he knew that, but he could still feel his energy for the conversation draining out of him as though someone had pulled a plug in his chest. He took a few deep breaths, then, doing his utmost to be patient, put his phone back to his ear.

"-I wish she could see the wedge it's putting between them, and between us by extension…"

"Right," said Armin, as sympathetically as he could, "that must be really stressful for you."

"Grisha too. I know he means well but we both know that telling Eren to do anything is the worst way to get him to actually do it-"

Armin closed his eyes, guilt gnawing at his insides. He should listen, validate and sympathize, but it was hard. He hadn't called her to talk about Eren. Frustration heated up the guilt in his stomach as he recalled the gathering at Historia's, how Mikasa had joked around with Sasha, rolled her eyes over Jean and snarked back at Ymir, until of course she'd had to leave because some Eren switch got tripped.

"-but I try to tell him, I'll make sure that Eren doesn't end up like Zeke, and I don't think he takes me seriously." A small, petty voice arose from the hot guilt bubbling in Armin's stomach. 'Oh yeah? How do you plan on doing that?' Unfortunately, he'd never been one to initiate difficult conversations, and this would surely just cause an argument.

"Oh, so you just finish fights but don't start them?" Annie had asked during their most recent shift together while they'd sorted books from the return cart. She'd asked about Historia's party (which had nearly been enough to send him into a tailspin because not only had she asked what he was doing on the weekend, she'd remembered what he'd said!) and he'd told her about trying to peacekeep between Jean and Eren.

"If only," he'd replied, with a regretful half smile, though his heart was full to burst in his chest.

"Maybe your friends both need to get their asses beat?" she suggested, and Armin replied without thinking,

"If that were the case they'd both have chilled out years ago." His eyes widened, but then Annie smiled across the library cart, distracting him completely and giving him something to hold onto whenever he felt low.

"Armin?" came Mikasa's soft voice.

"What? I'm sorry." He ran his fingers through his hair, hoping that she was done talking about Eren, though he wasn't at all optimistic. He should have just texted her, what on Earth had he been thinking?

"Aren't you worried too?" Armin closed his eyes.

"Of course I'm worried-" 'I've been worried about Eren for years and I'm tired!' "-this situation is really awful." He hesitated, then asked, trying to forge ahead with his plan, "That's why I asked how you are."

"I said I'm fine, just a little stressed."

"Yeah," Armin replied, his heart hurting him. "Um, Grisha and Carla said I could ride with you guys to the funeral tomorrow, what time should I plan to get there?"

"Oh, hold on. Carla?"

"Yes, dear?" Armin heard the muffled exchange through the phone. It sounded so normal, and his frustration cooled a little.

"8:30. If you're hungry she'll make extra breakfast."

"That's really sweet, thank you," replied Armin, then, making one last valiant attempt, "Are you sure you're all right though, seriously?" Mikasa paused a moment, then,

"I'm fine. Really." Armin bit his lip. He wanted to tell her something encouraging or helpful, but nothing seemed to really be appropriate.

"Well, call me if you need anything," he said, rather lamely.

"Thank you, I will."

"See you tomorrow."

"Have a good night, Armin."

Armin sighed and ended the call, then texted all the friends who said they'd be available to attend Zeke's funeral to confirm plans.

Ten and a half hours after they'd started work, Erwin was finally satisfied with the state of the apartment. The walls and ceilings were, in Levi's estimation, the cleanest they'd been since the building's construction, except for the bullet holes which stuck out like open sores but were not their responsibility.

Levi, Eld, Oluo, Petra and Mike were all peeling off their Tychem suits, gloves and masks outside by the van, while the 6 train rumbled and the Bruckner Expressway pumped carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and people passing on the street gave them looks ranging from curious to threatening. However, it was a beautiful evening; the sky blazed orange, then faded to a dusky blue purple, and the few stars that were visible stood out where the sky was darkest. After spending the day in that tiny box of neglect and violence, the sky was a welcome reminder that there was more beyond the tall buildings and despair. Levi stared up at the brightest star, or it might have been a planet, he couldn't remember. Hange had explained it to him the first time he'd seen the night sky without the smog and city lights.

Sometime in his early twenties, after they'd worked together a few years, Levi, Erwin and Hange had taken a trip to the Hudson Valley, not up that far but definitely far enough. He wouldn't admit, then or now or perhaps ever, how amazed he'd been to see the world beyond where he'd grown up, to see water that wasn't polluted and trees twice the size of those in Central Park.

"What do you think?" Erwin asked, standing in the driveway of the house he'd rented for the occasion. Hange had bounded inside to explore the moment they'd parked, but Levi remained by the van. The house was made of wood with a large screened in porch wrapped around it. It looked dark, and surrounded by thick forest, reminded Levi of the houses on the covers of horror novels back in Erwin's apartment.

"Not bad," he said, eventually. He kept taking unusually deep breaths, the forest air was surprisingly cool on his skin and the pungent, earthy smell was weird in his nose, but somehow clean. It also wasn't as quiet as he'd thought it'd be; insects buzzed and birds sang and the pond behind the house splashed. "Those are big ass trees." Erwin laughed.

"We should go out West sometime. Those are some big ass trees." Levi just rolled his eyes, though he'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious.

The interior of the house turned out to be bright and cozy and smelled of, "CEDAR!" Hange had screamed, their voice echoing off the wood panelled walls. After unpacking and settling in, they made dinner in the brick and stone kitchen, then built a fire in the concrete pit beside the pond, which they sat around with drinks and blunts. Even though the sun was still up, the fire was mesmerizing. Levi watched it dance, listened to it crack, felt its heat and inhaled its smell. Hange and Erwin talked and joked and toasted, but Levi only participated when directly spoken to. When the sun went down, he finally looked away from the fire and up towards the sky, visible through a break in the canopy of trees above them.

"Holy shit," he breathed, sure his heart had stopped for a second. He'd seen pictures of deep space, but he didn't think the sky actually looked like that! Were there really that many stars? As if he knew what he was thinking, Erwin said,

"Makes you realize why we used to think the Earth was the center of the universe, doesn't it?"

"How high are you?" Levi shot back, though his heart squeezed in his chest.

"There's the Big Dipper and Orion!" exclaimed Hange, flat on their back and pointing upwards.

"How about that," said Erwin, looking at the sky with a soft reverence that made Levi's throat burn. Again, as if intuiting this, Erwin placed his hand on Levi's lower back. They stayed out there a long time, eating and drinking and stargazing, Hange throwing more logs on the fire until they eventually fell asleep in the grass. The fire crackled and the bugs chirped and owls hooted, and Levi leaned his head against Erwin's shoulder. "Mm?"

"This isn't bad," he said, because at the time it was the closest he could get to expressing what was inside him.

"Thank you for coming up here with me," replied Erwin, softly, nosing at Levi's hair before kissing him on the top of the head. Levi shivered despite the warm, smokey night, and brushed his lips gently against Erwin's.

"Can we go inside?"

"Sí, gracias," Erwin called over his shoulder as he walked out the front door of the building, stiff and professional and out of his Tychem suit. However, as he approached his team, he softened, reflecting their tiredness back at them. "Are you all okay?" he asked, apologetically, consolingly, understandingly. "That was way more involved than I'd expected." His team exchanged looks, but smiled reassuringly.

"Let's head out," said Petra, after a moment, and they all climbed into the van.

Eren spent the rest of the day lying in bed with music or random YouTube videos playing, trying to sleep even though it was pointless. His body felt heavy, tight, pent up, while his mind raced and charged. His phone was beside him on the bed, face up, and every time he got a text, his eyes would flicker, but they were from everyone except Levi.

Armin

Are you okay?

I'll see you tomorrow morning

Historia

Ymir won't be able to come with me tomorrow but I'll definitely be there!

Thinking about you

Jean

hey

hope everything's okay, see you tomorrow

Connie

I'M SO SORRY I have to go into work tomorrow

my manager fucked up my schedule

good luck!

Sasha

I already texted Mikasa but I'll see you tomorrow!

Take care!

Eren didn't have anything to say to his friends' messages. Indeed, it felt weird that they were surrounding him this way when he wasn't even grieving, but he had no energy to try and make it make sense. The YouTube video playing on his laptop ended, and Eren opened his eyes in time to see his phone light up.

Dad

Eren come to my study please

"The fuck…" he groaned, annoyed it still wasn't Levi and even more so that he had to get up, because he knew ignoring the message wasn't worth it. He heaved himself out of bed, wiped his face and slouched downstairs, shoving his cellphone in the pocket of his sweatpants.

His father's study (though Eren had no idea what he studied considering he did all his work at the hospital and got his CME credits at conferences) was at the back of the townhouse beside the TV room. It faced the narrow backyard, but Grisha kept the curtains closed and lamps on, so it always felt like night time in there. However, it was still a handsome room, all dark woods and muted colors. A desk sat at the far wall, and above it was an actual painting of Eren's parents together and a few framed diplomas. Against the other walls were cabinets full of books, mostly medical texts and encyclopedias. As a kid, Eren used to get in trouble for sneaking in and looking through them, but he liked the illustrations. They were more interesting than the colorful, cartoonish ones he was allowed, and definitely better than those in the school books now heaped in a corner of his bedroom. That was especially annoying, given their glossy covers proclaimed, "most recent edition" so they could charge more for them.

Eren paused in front of the closed door, then, after checking his phone one more time, pushed it open, feeling like he was swimming out into very deep water with no support in sight.

"Knock first," snapped Grisha, bent over something on his desk.

"The door was open and you told me to come in here," Eren reminded him, testily.

"Don't start, Eren, please." Grisha turned the chair around to face Eren wearily across the room. Eren balled his hands into fists, but said nothing. "We're leaving here at 9 tomorrow, so be up and presentable."

"Mom's already said."

"We're doing the service at a funeral home downtown," Grisha continued. "By Washington Square Park."

Eren suddenly recalled Dina's funeral, and though he'd been too young to remember much, he could still see the huge church where it had taken place, full of well dressed members of the extended family who no longer spoke to Grisha. He also remembered getting bored and fidgety and his mother constantly telling him to be quiet in a sharp, flustered whisper, until under the cover of a hymn she'd taken him outside and slapped him. "Ow!" he'd whined, his eyes filling with tears.

"I told you to behave!" Carla snapped, and Eren noticed she was crying too. "I need you to behave! I-" But her voice broke, and she pulled him into her arms. Confused and angry, Eren struggled against her, but then she kissed him where she'd slapped him and let go. More confused than ever, Eren watched her wipe under her eyes with the tips of her fingers before she dragged him back into the service.

Five years later, Mikasa's parents' funeral had also been a huge affair, though it was upstate where she was from. Eren remembered how cold the church was, how Mikasa had sat shivering beside him on the hard pew, wrapped in one of his scarves. She wasn't crying though, which was something the other mourners had been quick to comment on. "She doesn't owe you tears!" Eren had finally snapped at whichever relative, standing in front of Mikasa with his fists clenched. His mother had dragged him outside and slapped him for that too, which was total bullshit. Those people had no idea that Mikasa did cry. Every night since they'd brought her back to the city to live with them, she'd snuck into Eren's bed and cried for what felt like hours. He'd always pretend to be asleep, lying on his front and facing away from her, while the sobbing made the bed shake.

"It'll be simple," said Grisha about his older son's funeral. "I don't expect it'll take very long."

"I'm not speaking or some shit," said Eren.

"I wouldn't ask you to," his father snapped back, as though it were obvious. "Zeke's aunt is going to give the eulogy."

"Okay?" Eren had no idea why he'd needed to hear any of this. Grisha took off his glasses and cleaned them on his sleeve. He put them back on, then looked Eren up and down. Eren dug his fingernails into his palms.

"You'll be graduating soon," said Grisha, slowly, "and then you'll make something of yourself." Eren bit down on the inside of his cheek, moving the flesh between his back teeth. "I'll be here for it." Eren said nothing, but something flickered in his father's eyes. "Do you know what you'd like to specialize in?" However, Eren didn't hear the question because at that moment his phone went off against his thigh. He took it out of his pocket without thinking and his heart leapt at Levi's name. "Eren, can't you stay off your phone for five minutes?"

"Yeah," he replied. He answered the message, then made a show of slipping his phone back into his pocket, grabbed his wrist and held his arms above his head. If he could just finish this conversation, he could retreat to his bedroom and text Levi for the rest of the night.

"Eren, pay attention!" snapped Grisha.

"I am paying attention!"

"I asked you what you want to specialize in!"

"How the fuck should I know?!" He dug his fingers into his wrist, trying to wedge them between the tendons.

"What do you mean, 'how should I know?' It's your future!"

"And I've got time to figure it out, all right?! What if I don't even get in to med school?!" Grisha stood up.

"I told you not to- oh god, your nose is bleeding."

"Huh?"

Grisha seized a fistfull of tissues from the box on his desk. "Here-"

"I'm fine!" snapped Eren, seizing them and pressing them against his nose. He also darted his tongue up, tasting the blood that had dripped into his Cupid's bow with a shiver. "Anything else?" However, his father apparently had nothing more to say, and seemed strangely diminished. A moment's silence passed.

"I know you'll figure it out. Go clean up."

Eren turned on his heel and stormed from the room, uncomfortably aware of his father's eyes on the back of his neck.

"Am I on call the day after tomorrow?" Levi asked Erwin, on their way to drop everyone home before disposing of all the hazmat they'd taken from their job site. He was riding shotgun as always with everyone else in the back, talking about other things and debating what music to play next. Erwin raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think I had you on the schedule that day." Levi nodded and replied to Eren.

Yeah that'll work

"Why?" asked Erwin.

"I'm just trying to make plans."

cool

can I stay over?

Levi closed his eyes for a moment. He'd expected the question, indeed he'd been thinking about it since Eren had asked the first time. Their afternoon together had been incredible, and the messages they'd sent each other in the interim had been more than enough to keep Levi interested, so much so that even though he'd promised himself he would, he didn't stop to question how Eren had pulled him under so easily, how he'd brought out of him the things that he did. However, curiosity and desire felt better than self-examination after a job like the one he'd had to do today.

You can

But if I have work in the morning you'll get your ass out when I tell you

yes sir

Levi rolled his eyes, but could practically feel Eren's excitement through the phone, and it sparked his own.

Yeah yeah

Run your mouth

tell me something to hold me over

Uncomfortably aware that he was in a van full of people, Levi imagined Eren in bed wearing just sweatpants, waiting for him to stir him up, and heat flooded his belly.

Shut up

Use your sick fuck imagination

you already know I do

I'm bored fucking myself on my fingers and pretending it's you

Again, Levi closed his eyes as his imagination immediately conjured Eren on his back, jerking himself off with one hand and fucking himself with the other, chest heaving and glistening, bite marks still visible…

All right that's enough

I'm still technically on the goddamn clock

hahahah my bad

'Little shit,' thought Levi, though he admired his nerve.

did you really clean brain off a wall today?

The corner of Levi's mouth twitched, and he hoped to whatever higher power was listening that no one noticed.

Eren spent the next few hours texting Levi, until,

I need to go to bed

Sweet dreams

Eren figured it was sarcastic, and from anyone else it would have pissed him off, but he smiled because it was Levi.

night

He reread old messages for a while, then dropped his phone onto the bed beside him and stared up at his dark ceiling, his whole body aching for Levi while his thoughts raced and his altercation with his father flashed across his mind like sudden, invasive lightning strikes.

He hadn't seen his father's first family since Dina's funeral. His mother's dark hair had stood out against the mass of blonde in the church. That had been his first time in a church, but tomorrow wouldn't be in a church.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Armin had asked.

"-and he's still friends with you?" Levi had asked.

He'd be seeing Levi in just over twenty four hours. Twenty four hours. Twenty four hours. Levi had said his job today had taken nearly twelve.

Eren rolled over onto his side, eyes closed and knuckles in his mouth, trying to concentrate on the YouTube true crime show he'd put on to soothe his racing mind. However, he knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. After twenty minutes, the show's ending theme played out in a defeated sort of way, and Eren sat up, hugged his knees to his chest and rested his chin upon them.

He'd have to be up in a few hours because Zeke was dead. Zeke was dead… Zeke was dead, but then he could go see Levi, and he'd be able to sleep after seeing Levi. Eren bit down on his knuckles and thought of going for a drive until the sun came up, but then just as quickly discarded the idea. He hadn't taken the car anywhere since the trip to the beach. Something about it gave him a bad feeling.

"I'll be there to see it," his father had said. Eren looked around his dark room, just like he had done the night before he'd found out about Zeke, which was also the night before he'd met Levi. Levi had told him all about this job today, and Eren imagined his walls covered in blood just like the scene he'd described, the posters torn to shreds by bullet holes.

He shuddered and suddenly wanted out of his room. He jumped out of bed and went downstairs as quietly as possible. Fortunately, this time Mikasa didn't bother him.

The kitchen was dark, but moonbeams and streetlights fell across the floor, illuminating his bare feet and casting weird, spidery shadows on the walls. When he was a kid, his friends used to say his house was creepy at night, though he'd never found it so. Armin and Mikasa had called him brave, while their other friends already called him stupid and reckless.

Eren took a glass from one of the cabinets, filled it with ice and water, drank deeply from it and refilled it. As he did so he caught sight of the luminous clock on the microwave. 2:03 AM. He had at least five hours to kill before he had to get up and ready for Zeke's funeral.

He took an ice cube into his mouth and began to chew on it as he left the kitchen, but he paused in the foyer before going back upstairs. Grisha's car keys were on their hook by the front door, the same place they always were. However, he made no move towards them; that same bad feeling kept him rooted to the spot. He stood there a long time, watching the shadows and moonbeams shift against the floor, listening to the old house creaking and feeling the condensation from his water glass drip down the back of his hand. When the ice had completely melted in his mouth, he swallowed and went back upstairs.

I had to get a big ass trees line in there, okay? Plus I remember distinctly going to Glacier Park a few years ago and saying, "I didn't know trees could get that big!" True story.

See you all next week, I have to go back to work!

Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!