Hello hello! Happy Thursday, as always!

How have you all been, good? I hope so. The weather here has been gnarly, like humid as fuck or else pouring rain. It's nasty and I'm over it. However, Friday the 13th was amazing because tickets to ERRA's headlining tour went on sale (if you're going to the NYC show in August, hit me up!) and HourHouse dropped their new single which absolutely fucking destroys.

Anyway, this chapter!

I remember writing this distinctly because it was on Father's Day (which is just fucking hilarious) while on the train to my friend's place. It was really rough though, like, this chapter is probably one of my favorites but it was really emotionally taxing because I feel bad for literally everyone, even the people acting like assholes. I arrived at my friend's house and he was like, "Tzahra, are you okay?" and I just burst into tears. My friends put up with a lot, tbh. That being said, I'll be curious what you all think! Who do you feel sorry for, if anyone?

Also, content warning for self-harm. I know it's in the description, but I don't care, I'm saying it again.

Lastly! For the vibes! Listen to Sick and Disgusting by Beartooth. I really don't fuck with Beartooth like that but this song is fucking fantastic. I saw them live a few weeks ago (I was just there to see ERRA open for them and stuck around because The Devil Wears Prada and Silverstein were also there. Fuck that was a good show!) and they're great live. A friend of mine once said the frontman "wants to be in an '80s hair metal band but he's doing 2000s metalcore" which is ACCURATE.

DAD I DONT' WANNT BE SICK AND DISGUSTING-

Okay sorry. Enjoy!

"You're awake." Eren started and looked up from the eggs and toast he'd made for himself to find Mikasa at the kitchen door. She was clearly just back from a run, but he hadn't even heard her come in.

"Aren't I supposed to be?" She stepped into the room and Eren snatched up his phone to pause his music before she could. Her dark eyes narrowed in the sudden, sharp quiet.

"Are you only awake because you didn't sleep last night?"

"No," Eren lied. Sweat glistened on her hairline and chest; it must already be hot as fuck outside. He looked down at his plate. Sometimes food offset the nausea he got from sleepless nights, sometimes it made it worse. This morning, his stomach seemed undecided. He pushed his eggs around with his fork, shuddering when the prongs scraped against the porcelain.

"Is there more coffee?" asked Mikasa, after a moment.

"Yeah." He heard her cross the room and pour herself a mug, then the scraping of the wooden chair against the floor as she sat down across from him.

"What did Grisha want to talk to you about yesterday?" Eren didn't look up, but stared at Mikasa's hands clasped around her mug.

"Fuck if I know."

"I wish he'd get off your back," she said, softly. Eren's eyes widened at the unexpected solidarity, though he wasn't about to say anything else. He'd told her things in confidence only to get ratted out more than once, so he just ate more eggs. "Eren." He swallowed.

"What?"

"You won't end up like Zeke." He blinked and finally looked up.

"Okay," he replied, nonplussed.

"I'll make sure of that." The trees outside the kitchen window shivered in a sudden breeze, and the sunlight forced its way through the windows despite the closed curtains. Eren's stomach twisted.

"What, you gonna plug up the artery that explodes in my head?" he asked, conversationally.

"That's not funny!" Eren shrugged, but as he reached for his mug of coffee, Levi's words from their amazing afternoon together came back to him.

"Maybe stop doing shit that worries her?"

Eren bit down on the rim of his mug. He was seeing Levi tomorrow. In just over twenty four hours.

"You've got better things to do than follow me around all the time, you know," he said, his voice muffled by the warm porcelain. Mikasa seemed more than ready to dispute this, but at that moment they heard movement from upstairs, the distant thunderclap that heralded the storm of Zeke's funeral.

"I should shower and change before Armin gets here," sighed Mikasa. She rinsed out her mug and went back upstairs. Eren heard her tell their parents "good morning" as they passed in the hall. He finished his breakfast in a hurry, then texted Armin,

when are you getting here?

and Levi,

funeral day

At exactly 8:30, Armin climbed the front steps to Eren's front door and rang the bell. Even this early the sun was blazing, and walking over from the bus in the suit he'd worn to his high school graduation had him sweating. Fortunately, he immediately heard footsteps, then the clicking of locks and creaking of wood as Carla opened the door. She was wearing a black shift dress and shawl, and though she smiled at Armin, she looked exhausted. "Hello," she said, warmly, stepping aside to let him in. "Eren and Mikasa are in the living room. Would you like some coffee or anything?"

"That'd be great, thank you," said Armin, toeing off his shoes and knowing an intense relief at the blast of air conditioning. Carla bustled off to the kitchen while Armin entered the living room where he knew they only hung out if they had company. Eren and Mikasa were sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Mikasa appeared stiff in her prim wrap dress, while Eren, splayed out in his suit and chewing on his lip, looked either like a magazine cover or a subway PSA about opiate abuse.

"Hey," he said, pleased to see Armin despite the winding tightness in his chest.

"Hi," Armin replied, then, because "how are you?" seemed an insensitive question, "I'm sure they already told you, but Jean, Marco, Sasha and Historia are meeting us downtown. Connie and Ymir couldn't get the time off work."

"Yeah I saw," replied Eren.

"That's really good of them," said Mikasa, sliding the tie of her dress between her fingers.

"What is?" asked Carla, reappearing with a mug of coffee for Armin. He took it with thanks and sipped gratefully. His night's sleep had been troubled by dreams of long corridors, then he'd woken up suddenly at dawn and hadn't been able to get back to sleep.

"Our friends are coming to pay their respects," said Eren, sarcastically.

"That's very sweet, Eren," said Carla, in a warning voice. "Are you sure you don't want breakfast?"

"I told you I ate already."

"He did," said Mikasa. Clearly more prepared to take her word for it, Carla sighed and addressed Armin.

"How are you? It's been so long since I've laid eyes on you!"

"I know," replied Armin, hanging his head in apology and uncomfortably aware of Eren watching him.

"No no, Mikasa says you've been busy. How's school?"

"Great, um," Armin drank more coffee and filled his best friend's mother in on the details of his life, feeling uncomfortably like he was on stage. He hated talking about himself and he never knew what to do with other people's praise, especially-

"See, Eren? Motivation."

-when they did that.

"Hi, Grisha," said Armin, shaking his hand. He had dark shadows under his eyes and the lines in his forehead seemed more deeply etched since the last time he'd seen him. Armin had always known grief took a physical toll, but somehow it was more shocking on his best friend's father than other people.

"Thank you for coming," Grisha continued, and Armin's chest constricted.

"Of course, I'm so sorry about what happened."

"Thank you." He let go of his hand, and Armin gave Eren an apologetic look over his shoulder. Eren just rolled his eyes, but he appreciated the solidarity. Solidarity that came without suspicion. Armin was his best friend, was with him through everything but never interfered. He checked his phone discreetly and saw messages from Connie and Ymir, whatever, but also from Levi! His heart skipped, and he imagined he still had those bruises under the crisp fabric of his dress shirt.

Thoughts and prayers

Eren snorted, and everyone stopped talking abruptly to look at him. "My bad," he said, sliding his phone back into his pocket. Grisha made no effort to hide his exasperated sigh before returning to his and Armin's conversation.

"Do you know where you'd like to go to grad school?"

Armin didn't answer straight away. He'd long since accepted that Eren's parents weren't concerned about him the same way he was, but he had hoped Zeke's death might have sharpened Grisha's perspective a bit. He looked into the eyes, so unlike Eren's and so tired behind his glasses, and irritation stabbed through his sympathy. "I'll go anywhere I get accepted," he said, while over his shoulder Eren took out his phone again. Armin knew another spike of irritation, but pressed on. "I'd like to stay here so I can still be close to my grandfather and to you guys, of course, but…" Mikasa was inching closer to Eren, trying to read his texts. "But maybe the University of Hawaii or something would be a nice change!" Eren looked up sharply from his phone.

"That'd be the dream, wouldn't it?" sighed Carla, while Grisha nodded approvingly.

"Yeah! Yeah maybe," said Armin, suddenly not sure what he was talking about.

Levi sat perched on Erwin's desk, drinking tea and texting Eren while Hange and Gunther's conversation floated around him, punctuated by Erwin typing.

Thoughts and prayers

LOL thank you

In all seriousness though, are you gonna be okay?

as long as I can see you tomorrow

Levi rolled his eyes at the same time he felt a small tug in his chest. Knowing you were going to see someone was a great way to stay sane, even for the most independent person.

Yeah yeah

I'm at work so I might not reply but let me know how everything goes today

The phone rang, and Levi watched Erwin answered it. "Scouts Decon, Erwin Smith speaking." Nearly two weeks ago, though it felt like much longer to Levi, Erwin had gotten the same call from Eren's father. "Yes we do, how can I help you?" Erwin's brow furrowed. "I'm so sorry to hear that… Right, completely understandable. It'll probably take a few days, but- yes I appreciate that. No, we'll definitely be able to start today, may I have the address please?" Levi remembered vividly Erwin pulling up Eren's brother's address the exact same way, and now today was the funeral. He had no reason to be surprised, but it had always amazed him how a life event would take people's feet out from under them, only for them to just… find solid ground again. It might take years and be less stable or sharper or narrower, but it was always still there. "We can be there within the hour. Yes. Thank you." Erwin hung up and Levi asked, preemptively,

"What?" Erwin smiled.

"Do you mind staying here while we go clean up a hoard?" Levi shuddered.

"Not in the slightest." Erwin nodded.

"I'll probably need more hands, though the family and friends are very willing to help. Hange? Gunther?" They snapped to attention.

"We've got a hoard clean up in Brighton Beach."

"Oh oh? What's the occasion?" asked Hange.

"Family staged an intervention."

"Excellent!" They sprinted off to get supplies while Gunther hurried to rinse his mug of coffee in the sink. Erwin pressed his hands into the desk and pushed himself to his feet.

"You sure you don't mind holding down the fort?"

"I'd rather play sentinel than clean up a hoard-"

"-which is saying something," Erwin finished the sentence for him with another smile, which Levi returned. Truthfully he didn't mind having the office to himself. It was quiet and air conditioned and he could clean and read and get paid for it. He'd also had a weird night's sleep, full of unsettling dreams of being chased, so an easy day would be welcome.

"Good luck."

Eren was crunched in the back of Grisha's car between Armin and the door, the sunlight uncomfortably hot through the windows despite the air conditioning. Grisha had NPR on as usual, detailing the news of whichever new environmental disaster while Eren ignored everyone's small talk to read Levi's messages.

Yeah yeah

I'm at work so I might not reply but let me know how everything goes today

The tightness in his chest eased a little. He usually found "text me if you need me" messages intrusive and irksome, but he didn't mind it from Levi. Probably because Levi could actually make him feel better.

I will

thanks

when can I come through tomorrow?

Same time as last time

It was 9:07 now. Just over twenty four hours. Just over twenty four hours. He'd be seeing Levi in just over twenty four hours, and he was gonna stay over! 'Oh shit if I'm staying the night I need a fucking cover story,' he thought, suddenly.

"Hey, are you okay?" came Armin's voice suddenly from beside him. Eren started, but then the tightness in his chest eased further: he could ask Armin to help him out just like he always did! Not now with Mikasa and his parents around, obviously, but later, how could he have forgotten? He smiled stiffly, but Armin didn't return the gesture. Eren's gaze had always been intense and penetrating, but this morning it was unnerving. "Eren?" he asked, tentatively.

"What?"

"Are you okay? Seriously."

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Eren at once, though of course he wasn't as fine as he would be once he'd secured Armin's promise to cover for him. He was sure he'd get it though. Armin was always there when Eren needed him. 'Unless he actually goes away for grad school,' he thought, suddenly. The tightness in his chest wound back up again, and he had to catch his breath before asking, "Were you serious about what you said earlier?"

"What?" Eren's throat tightened and his eyes widened as though he were trying not to be sick.

"About leaving? Were you serious?" Armin felt as if someone had poured ice water into his chest, but he managed to keep his voice steady when he answered.

"I don't know, Eren." Eren stared at him even more intensely, as though he might be able to sus out an answer just by looking. "I've got another two years before I can even apply anywhere," Armin placated. "So please don't freak out until then, okay?"

"I'm not freaking out," snapped Eren.

"I know! I'm just saying, let's cross that bridge when we come to it," Armin continued, as pacifyingly as he could. "Besides, you might go somewhere else for med school, right?"

"Eren's not leaving," Mikasa cut in, suddenly.

"How do you know?" Eren demanded, glaring at her across Armin.

"Eren, don't start," called Grisha from the driver's seat, lucking into a string of green lights down 2nd Avenue.

"Well, if you leave I'll go with you," said Mikasa, quietly, and Eren just closed his eyes rather than respond, relishing the forward momentum. If only he could just take the car and keep driving.

"Seriously, let's not discuss it right now," said Armin, still trying for diplomacy. "No one's going anywhere right this second."

"As far as you know," Eren shot back. "We could crash the car right now and-"

"Eren!"

"That isn't funny!"

But it was Grisha's "STOP!" that rang out the loudest, and everyone went quiet while Eren glared at the side of his father's face he could see from the backseat.

"What?!"

"I told you not to start! We're on our way to a funeral!" He made to turn in his seat, but,

"That's a red light!" Grisha slammed on the brakes just in time. Everyone flew forward and were caught sharply in the chest by their seatbelts. "Are you three okay?" cried Carla, over the honking of cars around them.

"I'm fine!" exclaimed Armin at once.

"Me too," said Mikasa. "Eren are you-"

"Yeah," he interrupted, impatiently, tugging at the seatbelt tight against his chest. "Can we just keep going? I'm getting carsick." He wasn't, but it seemed the best way to describe his stomach twisting and chest tightening and eyes burning. He shut them to avoid Armin and Mikasa looking at him and bit down on the inside of his lip.

"Calm down," Carla told Grisha, firmly, and he heaved a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry," he said to them all, and a thick silence filled the car until the light turned green. Grisha turned up the radio and pulled through the intersection, and no one spoke until they arrived at a parking garage on Thompson Street. It was blisteringly hot, crowded and loud, but Eren was still relieved to be out of the car, until his mother seized his upper arm and yanked him around to face her. Her eyes, so much like his own as people loved to say, blazed.

"Why are you behaving like that?! Today of all days?!" she hissed.

"Oh that was me who almost crashed the fucking car?" His mother dug her fingers into his upper arm and he wondered vaguely if she'd slap him at this funeral too.

"I'm serious," she told him through gritted teeth. "Keep yourself together!" She threw him from her before he could argue and went to join Grisha inside the garage. Eren closed his eyes and bit down hard on his knuckle, trying to get his stomach to stop churning and mind to stop spinning.

"Mikasa, wait!" Armin cried, taking hold of her arm to stop her rushing at Eren. "Wait, just let him calm down," he continued, as firmly as he could. He felt faint with anxiety, desperate to get everyone into the funeral home safely. "Please!" By the grace of whoever was listening, Mikasa heeded him. She turned, lips pressed tightly together and eyes wide and frightened. "Mikasa…"

"What?" Armin could feel her rapid pulse under his fingers.

"Is… This is just because of Zeke dying, right?"

"It's because his parents keep fighting with him!"

"No! I meant-"

"Armin? Mikasa?" Grisha and Carla reappeared beside them, looking grim and uncomfortable. "This way," said Carla, and Armin let go of Mikasa and hurried up to Eren before anyone else could get there. Eren turned, hand still in his mouth, and Armin couldn't quite keep the revulsion out of his expression. "Be careful with your hand."

Eren flushed and shoved it into his pocket, wiping his knuckles on the inside of it. Armin had always commented on his hands being chewed up and would tell him to stop when he caught him at it. They fell into step beside his family, and Eren felt again like he was watching them through the wrong end of a telescope, just like at Historia's party. Swallowing a sudden burning in his throat, he allowed them to go slightly ahead of him so he could pull out his phone and text Levi.

shit is already fucked up

what are you doing right now?

To his immense relief, he got the reply at once.

Oh shit, fucked up how?

I'm just in the office today doing housework

Everyone else is cleaning up a hoard

Eren felt his breath and heartbeat slow almost in spite of himself. What wouldn't he give to leave right now, go get on the train and run away to Levi's office and spend the day with him instead. If he knew where it was, he probably would.

hoard?

like on tv?

Exactly

that type of show is fucking exploitative

They arrived at the funeral home on Bleecker Street and Eren put his phone away before his parents could see it. Grisha pulled open the glass door and they filed inside, welcoming the blast of air conditioning. The lobby was spotlessly clean, with neutral decor that put Eren in mind of a waiting room, but much classier. There was a small crowd of people waiting, aunts and uncles and cousins Eren barely recognized, as well as Jean, Marco, Sasha and Historia, all dressed in dark suits and somber dresses. Eren's father stood up a little straighter and went to address the family, while his mother turned away from them to greet her children's friends.

that type of show is fucking exploitative

Yes it is

Levi stared at his phone for a minute, weirdly impressed. He wouldn't have thought someone who demanded graphic details of his job would care about something like that, but maybe he just hadn't been giving him enough credit.

He tucked his phone into his pocket and continued taking all of the mugs off the shelf bolted to the wall of The Break Room. When someone worked for Erwin a year, he gave them a mug with some cute illustration and stupid pun on it, though no one knew how the tradition had started and no one was brave enough to ask. Levi and Hange had received theirs the same year. Hange's pictured an atom in a tuxedo and the legend "Bond… Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared." while Levi's had a smiling tea pot that said "Tea amo." At the time, Levi had been suspicious of the gift and had shown it, and therefore couldn't tell Erwin how much he valued it now.

When he made sure all the mugs were safely out of harm's way, he sprayed the shelf with all purpose cleaner and wiped it down. He wondered how Erwin and the others were doing, if the family was actually willing to help and if the person for whom there had been an intervention was also there. Either way, Levi was glad not to be. Blood and guts he could deal with, hoarding was another story.

He'd only ever gone to one call, a few months after he'd started working for Erwin. After a half hour of squalor, of the hoarder herself crying and her family screaming at her to be quiet, Levi had tapped out and taken the train back to Erwin's apartment. The whole ride back he kept remembering Kenny screaming at his mother, or else checking her into the detox clinic at Mt. Sinai while making sure no one saw Levi in case social workers decided to involve themselves, and of course the spare room in his Washington Heights apartment where he'd stay until his mother got better again. Levi both loved and hated that spare room. It was always warm and clean, but it also had an ominous lock on it which was often kept bolted while Kenny conducted business in the living room. However, Levi could put up with being locked away while people carrying weapons entered the house if it meant there was food in the fridge and he could lift stuff off the floor without sending cockroaches flying.

Erwin had understood completely when he'd found him in his apartment hours later, flushed from the longest, hottest shower he'd ever taken, and hadn't brought him on a hoard clean up again.

When the shelf was dust free, Levi replaced the mugs, smiling a little as he thought of the people to whom they belonged, then checked his phone to find new messages from Eren.

parents and sister are fucking annoying

dad's former in laws are here

Good luck

I hope there's a fight

Levi pulled a face.

Fucking swing then

Eren laughed out loud, and the conversation around him stopped abruptly as everyone turned to him. He shoved his phone back in his pocket and tried to look innocent.

"Who are you texting?" asked Mikasa.

"No one now," he replied, coldly. Jean opened his mouth, but Armin cut across him.

"Let's go sit down, I think the service is about to start." Historia and Sasha, who had been talking to Carla, agreed. Carla cast a wary look over her shoulder at Grisha and accidentally caught the eye of some aunt. The elderly woman gave her the sort of look that scorches, and she flushed and looked away. Historia threw the woman a look of pure contempt and stood protectively in front of Carla, who just said, as calmly as she could,

"Armin's right." Armin and Historia exchanged a look as Jean turned and led the little group into one of the service rooms. It was simple and nicely lit, with a small podium up at the front, behind which sat the casket, open and draped in flowers. Wooden chairs were set in rows facing it with an aisle down the middle, and they all took seats in the front left.

Eren found himself between Armin and Mikasa, and stared straight ahead to avoid catching her eye. Unfortunately that meant he looked directly at the casket, at his half brother's face. He let out a soft gasp and thought immediately that morticians didn't get nearly enough credit for what they do. Although Zeke was obviously dead, his face wasn't bloated and discolored, but smooth and flushed, while his hair was clean and shiny. He might have been sleeping, except he was wearing glasses.

"Fuck," Eren muttered, but at that moment Zeke's family entered the room, and no one heard the swear word under whichever cousin was already crying. They all took seats in rows across the aisle, and Grisha came in with the officiant, an older woman in a suit with her hair in a low bun. Grisha sat down beside Carla, who was on Mikasa's other side. She took his hand, and he placed his own on top of hers. Mikasa tried to hold Eren's hand, but he snatched it away. The officiant closed the door with a soft click, and Eren felt the walls begin to close in and bit down on the inside of his cheek. She then walked up to take the podium, and the low murmuring of the crowd stopped, though the cousin continued to cry.

"Good morning everyone," she said, in a low, clear voice that reminded Eren of Levi's boss. "Thank you all so much for coming to pay your respects to Zeke Jaeger, whether you knew him well or not." Eren's chest constricted as she went on about a life tragically cut short and leaving behind a loving family, nothing personal or specific. Eren imagined her talking about him, his friends and parents sitting just like this to listen.

'Fuck that,' he thought, his stomach twisting. 'Just burn me, I don't care.'

"I'm now going to invite Zeke's favorite aunt to deliver the eulogy." One of Dina's sisters whose name Eren couldn't remember got to her feet and walked up to the front of the room, her expression taut. She stared at Zeke's corpse for a long moment before taking the podium, and whichever cousin had been crying sniffed loudly. She then unfolded a small piece of paper and began to read.

"Thank you all for coming," she reiterated, in a low voice. "I, I know that Zeke's passing has hit us all hard, even though he's been rather reclusive these last few years." Her eyes flicked from the paper to Grisha and back again, making everyone on that side of the room shudder. Armin suppressed a sigh. Was this really the moment to shame the deceased's family for something that had happened twenty years ago? Couldn't they all just mourn? "My favorite story about Zeke," she continued, her voice still low, "happened right after he learned to play catch." A few family members made noises of recognition or agreement. "After he and Dina moved back to Brooklyn, they met Tom Ksaver, a neighbor who would become our dear friend and father figure." She cleared her throat pointedly, and the left side of the room shuddered again. Armin caught Jean's eye and he shook his head a fraction, while Marco stared into his hands clasped in his lap, Sasha had her arms around herself and Historia's face was set and she glared at the older woman. He knew they were all feeling the same as he was, that they were spectators on something indecent. "Part of being a father is, naturally, teaching your son to play catch." She got a few stiff laughs at that. "Which of course Tom did. He and Zeke would be outside every weekend until the street lights came on." She looked genuinely affectionate for a split second. "Unfortunately, Zeke put these new skills to work by throwing a baseball through Dina's kitchen window." There was more stilted laughter.

Eren had no idea why she'd picked this story as her favorite, but then again if it were him in that casket Armin would probably talk about him eating grass. He gave an involuntary snort of laughter and his mother reached behind Mikasa to pinch his upper arm as hard as she could. Dina's sister threw a disgusted look in his direction before continuing.

"He made up so many stories about how the window got smashed; that it was a stray cat, or a neighbor, or a tree branch, but in the end he and Tom fixed it themselves, and Dina painted flowers on the frame. After her death, Zeke took his independence seriously," she paused to give Grisha an extremely nasty look, "and it was gratifying to see him go to college early, excel and then teach." The cousin who had been crying sniffed again. "If he hadn't pulled away after Tom died, then-" but she broke off, her voice constricted in a moment of genuine grief and regret. She cleared her throat and pressed on. "This didn't have to happen the way it did, but we can take comfort knowing that Zeke is reunited with both Dina and Tom, and that none of them are in pain anymore. Thank you." She stepped down without another word. There was no applause, only tears and tension, and the officiant took the podium again.

"Thank you all again for coming. If you'd like to make your way to the reception room," she gestured to a door to their right, "There are refreshments." She stepped down again, and no one said anything for almost a full minute. No one even looked at each other.

The silence, broken only by the occasional sniff or sob, was like a physical presence in the room with them, tense and painful and awkward. It pressed upon Eren's ears, nose and mouth, making him feel like the already confined space was filling with water. His stomach twisted sickeningly and he pressed his hand to his mouth.

"Eren?" Mikasa whispered, but he just stood up and left the room without a word to anyone. Mikasa jumped to her feet at once and followed him back up the aisle, Armin at her heels. "Eren?!" called Mikasa when they were back in the lobby, looking around wildly.

"Mikasa, wait-"

"There he is! Eren!" However, he slipped into the bathroom at the opposite end of the lobby. Mikasa stared after him, and Armin placed his hand on her shoulder. "Why does he always run?" she asked in a choked voice, and Armin closed his eyes as a wave of frustration rose and crashed inside him.

"He's not," he said, doing his utmost to sound rational rather than pleading. "It'll be all right, it was just… That was just really awful." The muffled noise of the reception was seeping under the door beside the one they'd just exited, and it made Armin's skin crawl under his suit. He tried to remain calm, to think of the best way to retrieve Eren while causing as little disruption as possible, but he hated to leave Mikasa in this state and, if he were honest, which was easier today, he was afraid of what she might do. "Mikasa," he said, softly, and she turned to him, her usually stoic face betraying the pain that Armin felt viscerally in his chest. Fortunately, help arrived in the shape of their friends, looking relieved not to be in the reception room, though no less shaken by the service.

"Mikasa are you okay?" asked Sasha at once, her eyes huge.

"Where's Eren?" asked Historia.

"I'm gonna go get him right now, I just," he sighed and nodded discretely at Mikasa. Jean understood at once and said,

"Here, Mikasa, come back inside."

"Armin's got this, it's all right," added Marco with a small smile.

"There's food," Sasha offered, placing her hand on her lower back. Marco stood on her other side and Jean led them into the reception room. Mikasa looked back over her shoulder, and Armin smiled as reassuringly as he could.

"Where is Eren though, seriously?" asked Historia, the moment the door closed.

"He's just in the bathroom. He said he was feeling carsick earlier but honestly I think it was just that eulogy, like…"

"Seriously. They are so mad at Grisha, my god," said Historia almost wonderingly, but then she shook her head to clear it and placed her hand on Armin's upper arm. "Will you be okay?" Armin sighed, but,

"Of course I will. Right now just look after Mikasa." Historia looked more than ready to argue, but Armin forestalled her. "I know. It's-" but he broke off and ran his fingers through his hair. Historia gave his arm a squeeze and returned to the reception room. Armin took a deep breath in, sighed it out and walked up the lobby.

He pushed the bathroom door open with a soft creak and found Eren hunched over one of the sinks, his hands on either side of it, fresh bite marks glistening on his knuckles. He looked up at the noise and caught Armin's eye in the mirror. His expression was impossible to read, but his eyes were red and his cheeks were tear streaked and there was blood around his mouth. Armin shut the door, but kept one hand on the handle. "What happened?" he asked.

"Nothing," said Eren, breathing harshly through his open mouth. He felt better for being away, but still like his chest was being crushed, his ears covered, his nose and mouth suffocated.

"Yeah that was really awful," said Armin, bluntly. Eren pushed himself away from the sink and paced back and forth across the bathroom, his footsteps and shallow breath echoing off the tile walls and floor. Armin repressed an instinctive urge to back away. "Are you feeling sick? Do you need me to get someone?"

"No!" Eren cried, his eyes widening alarmingly. "No no, just, please don't let anyone else in." His eyes filled with tears again and he bit down hard on his knuckle. He felt the already torn skin break between his teeth, and the pain and taste of his own blood seemed to unblock him, uncover his nose and mouth, and he closed his eyes in a sigh of deep, visceral relief.

Armin watched with wide eyes, still fighting the urge to run. "Eren," he said, as firmly as he could. Eren opened his eyes blearily, and it took him a few seconds to focus on Armin. "Are you, I think-" but Eren's eyes widened suddenly and he took his hand out of his mouth.

"Armin, I need you to help me!"

'Yes you do,' thought Armin, before he could stop himself. "Of course, what do you need?" Eren smiled, though with the blood all around his mouth and tears pouring down his face, it looked sinister. Armin stood his ground, but felt nauseated.

"The person I've been texting, I'm staying over at his place tomorrow night, can you cover for me if Mikasa asks?"

"What?" Armin asked, forgetting his fear and disgust for a moment because where had that come from? Eren took a step forward and Armin managed not to back away, but it was a close thing.

"Tomorrow," Eren continued in a breathless voice, gesturing with his bloody hand, "I'm staying over at his place and I know Mikasa's gonna ask. Please just tell her I'm with you!"

"Are you seriously asking me something like that right now?" demanded Armin, incredulously.

"Yes!" snapped Eren, sounding close to desperate. "I need to see him tomorrow, Armin, please!" Armin pressed his lips tightly together and took a deep breath in through his nose. It wasn't the first time Eren had asked him to cover for him, and though he'd always done it, he hated it. He hated lying to Mikasa and he hated enabling Eren to do what he liked, which was more often than not dangerous, without consequence. "Please!" Armin wanted to ask questions. He should ask questions. Who was this person? Where had they met? What was his name?! Eren seized Armin's wrist with the hand that wasn't bleeding and pulled him forward, staring hard into his face, needing him to understand. Armin started and stared fearfully into his best friend's face, and before he could stop himself,

"God… fine!" he cried, and the promise tasted even more bitter than usual. Eren threw his arms around him.

"Thank you," he moaned into his ear. "You've just saved my fucking life, you have no idea."

'No I don't,' Armin agreed, though all he said out loud was, "Sure…" Eren let go of him, his expression relaxing a little.

"I'll be back out in a second, let me just clean up."

"Right," Armin sighed. Eren nodded encouragingly, and Armin shuddered and left the bathroom, still feeling nauseated.

The lobby was empty, which suited him fine, though he could still hear the low rumble of voices in the reception room. His stomach churned, and he knew he needed a minute before he could go back in. He strode down the hall, pushed open the glass front door and stepped out into the thick heat and sharp sunlight with intense relief. He closed his eyes, taking in lungfuls of air, trying-

"Armin?"

He started and clapped his hand to his chest, looking wildly around to see who had spoken. However, his eyes fell only upon Annie, approaching from 6th Avenue dressed in exercise clothes. Armin's face burned and he immediately tried to compose himself. "Hi!" he exclaimed, painfully aware of how awkward he must sound. His flush spread to his neck as Annie came closer, tucking her headphones behind her ears and looking him up and down. The eyes he'd admired for months widened as they took in his suit, the awning above them that said "Funeral Home" and then finally his face. "My best friend's brother died," he said, answering the unasked question.

"Oh… I'm sorry to hear that," said Annie.

"Thanks." Armin felt terribly guilty for how distracted he was by her presence, by her legs in her mesh shorts and her hair pulled back in a ponytail. "Um, what are you up to?" 'We're right by school, obviously,' he berated himself, but Annie didn't seem to mind the question.

"There's a yoga studio that way," she said, gesturing East with her phone, "I'm on my way to take class."

"Oh," said Armin, trying for a smile. "That sounds way nicer than…" He gestured vaguely towards the funeral home.

"Yeah," agreed Annie, and her sympathy cushioned and soothed Armin's heart. "Well, take care. I'll see you Monday."

"Thanks, um, have a good class!" Annie put her headphones back on and continued on her way. Armin bit his lip and watched her go, knowing an unexpected rush of sympathy for Eren's need. If only he could call her after today was over…

Armin shook his head to clear it, his stomach twisting from guilt and worry rather than nausea, and went back inside.

Late that afternoon, once Levi had scrubbed the office clean to his satisfaction, he checked his phone.

no fights

but today was fucked regardless

I can't wait to see you tomorrow

Yeah yeah

Come prepared

He wasn't sure how to interpret Eren's messages aside from the weird, tugging concern they gave him, but he was sure Eren would know how to interpret his. His heart sped up a little, but he ignored it. He took out his book and sat down in Erwin's desk chair to read until he could go home.

Yes indeed, Levi!

So yeah, that was really rough. I appreciate Armin's narration so much, like, YES see the emotional truth of the situation! So I'll ask again, who do you feel bad for, if anyone? Either way, I think you all know what to expect next week~

Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!