There are no words to describe my visceral hatred of Vernon Dursley. The man is the biggest roach to ever walk this earth. It truly astounds me how capable he is at offending every single person in a room within the first five minutes of being in it. He may excel at literally nothing else in his life ever, but at least he's above average when it comes to being the best human incarnation of a cancerous growth.
I could write essays on how much I hate Vernon Dursley. Which makes it a good thing that I spend too much time at school to ever have to endure him for too long.
My parents, on the other hand…
I have no fucking clue why Petunia is so far up this mans asshole, she's seen his prostrate. He's not even fucking nice to her!
(But if I thought Vernon was fucking terrible, his sister Marjorie was an absolute fucking treat to be around.)
So it wouldn't surprise anyone that I would jump at literally any chance to infuriate Vernon as much as possible. And dear, dear Tunie did me the favour of inviting him over for dinner for tomorrow. An idea that I put into her head by nonchalantly mentioning that his family must think we're borderline impoverished compared to them.
Which was why I was holed up with Sirius and James at the Potters' planning how to best make Vernon's head explode when he came over.
"So who's this Dursley bloke anyway," Sirius said from where he lounged across his bed, James sat behind him braiding his hair, his brows furrowed in concentration, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Petunia's current long-term boyfriend. Unfortunately," I added with a roll of my eyes. It was an unfortunate response every time Vernon was brought up around me.
"And what's wrong with him?" Sirius went on.
"Good Lord, where to begin," I huffed from my spot on the floor. Sirius's room was surprisingly neat and organized. I'd always thought he would've been the kind of person who would have his stuff flung everywhere, but everything was folded and in its place. And there was also an unexpected amount of neutral tones for someone who only wore shades of black.
"When he first met me, he asked me if I was terminally ill because of how pale I am," I said, and as affronted as I'd felt at the time, it was a little hilarious in hindsight.
James snorted and pressed his lips together into a thin line as he continued to braid Sirius's hair, determinedly avoiding eye contact with me. "Anything you'd like to share with the class, James," I said, eyes narrowed.
"You are awfully pale, Lils," he managed with a straight face.
"Practically translucent, really," Sirius piped in. I had no words to this unwarranted attack.
"It just so happens that my ideal type is someone who looks sickly," James quipped. I didn't know what to say to that either. I was fairly certain that qualified as flirting with me, but maybe James was just trying to change the subject. I made a note to myself to mention it to Dorcas just to make sure I wasn't imagining things.
"The few times that I've seen him, he's made some comments about women not deserving rights, being built for the kitchen and child-bearing, you know, the usual bullshit," I went on as if James had said nothing, ticking them off on my fingers. I couldn't stop the blush that was staining my cheeks though. "And don't even get me started on the comments he's made about gay people and his blatant racism."
"Good God we've woken the beast," Sirius muttered.
"I think one time he even said my mom's cooked dinner looked passably like food," I added, indignation creeping into my voice on behalf of my mother. "He offended my dad's occupation, said something about how it was nothing to be ashamed of, and not everyone was meant for greatness."
"And your parents are okay with this?" Sirius asked in confusion.
"I mean, no, but they can't exactly do anything about it, it's Petunia's life, not theirs," I said with a shrug. "We all just kind of put up with him when we have to."
"Imagine being able to make choices about your own life, dear old Walburga would have a stroke at the concept," Sirius commented.
"And you wanted her to invite this man for dinner for what reason exactly?" James asked, as he briefly paused braiding Sirius's hair.
"To piss him off. Sirius, you seem interested in my sister," I said with a raised eyebrow.
"I do like a good challenge," Sirius agreed with me.
"That… doesn't make you sound good, but that's a topic for another time. But yes, hating wizards would count as a challenge," I said. "I want you to shower my sister with respectful adoration and attention. Flirt to your heart's content to make her realize how fucking shit Vernon is in comparison."
"Lils, the smallest crumb of human civility is all Sirius would need to aspire to," James added. He finished tying off Sirius's hair and gave his friend a friendly tap on the cheek before scooting out from behind him.
"The bar truly could not go any lower," I agreed.
"Excellent, I strive to achieve mediocrity at all times," Sirius said with a clap of his hands. "So what's the plan?"
"We should try to seat you next to Petunia," I started. James stuck his hand in the air and waited for me to notice. "Yes, James?"
"Wouldn't it be easier to place Sirius across from her, or even at the head of the table, that way it's easier for him to talk to her, while also making it very obvious that Vernon was being ignored since I assume, he'll be sitting next to her," James added.
"You know that might be better," I agreed with a snap of my fingers.
"Am I allowed to play footsie with her?" Sirius asked.
"Absolutely not, we're not trying to make you a creep. If you want to bump your foot against her in a manner that makes it seem accidental, that's okay," I said. "What else?"
"What if I talk about my wand?" Sirius asked slyly, a twinkle in his eye.
"Like specifically talk about your genitals or were you planning to be more poetic about it?" I asked drily. As easy-going as my dad was, even he had his limit when it came to dinner conversation.
"This wounds me, I'm nothing if not artistic and creative with my innuendos," Sirius replied. "I'll have you know, I'm quite capable of being a posh bastard. It is a prerequisite to being an aristocrat."
"How many sex innuendos do you think you'd be able to get in there before he caught on," James threw in, a grin on his face.
"I honestly think you'd have to go pretty far, Vernon doesn't strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed," I said.
"Yeah but Lils, you say that about anyone who isn't a feminist," James said.
"And I'm right! Are you telling me you're not a feminist?"
"Of course, isn't it obvious," James deadpanned.
"I always knew there was a reason you weren't my type when we were younger," I tsked at him as I gave him a mock disdainful once over.
"All I hear is that I'm your dream man now," James sang back.
"I've got an idea, how about you two keep up this bullshit in front of them while I goad him into a fight," Sirius interrupted, the edges of his mouth dragging down in open disgust.
We spent the entire day lounging around Sirius's room, plotting and planning the best ways to drive Vernon mad. I didn't think it would require that much effort. The man always seemed like he was one minor disagreement away from blowing his top. The house-elves delivered us a cheese and ham platter for lunch that three of us munched on followed by some hot chocolate.
It was nice to spend time just lounging around, away from Petunia's meltdown over preparing herself for Vernon's presence. She was no doubt making a complete mess of her bedroom at the moment, trying to put together an outfit that would be Vernon-approved. Although why she even bothered worrying about it was beyond me. It wasn't as if Vernon ever noticed the extra effort she put in for him.
I lounged on Sirius's bed reading one of the books I had unearthed from one of the corners of his room while he and James played Exploding Snap on the floor. James turned out to be abysmal at the game, every few minutes there would be a loud bang and the tips of James's eyebrows would be singed off and he'd have to fix them.
I already knew what to expect bright and early when I woke up the next morning, and of course Petunia was already up by seven in the morning and fluttering around the house. She was nothing if not reliable.
I took my time getting ready for the morning and when I made it downstairs; it was to find Petunia with a bucket, a sponge, and other cleaning products at the ready.
"Petunia, what are you doing?" I asked her as I came down the stairs. I had to change out of Dorcas's ridiculous clothing attire as it wasn't exactly something that I wanted the public to see me in.
"I'm cleaning this ridiculous house, who knows how long its gone uninhabited for," she snapped, as she scrubbed at the walls vigorously.
"You know you can just ask the house-elves to clean the house, right?" I told her as I headed for the kitchens.
"I wouldn't trust them to clean everything to my satisfaction," she sniffed at me and I couldn't help but roll my eyes in response.
"Of course you don't," I muttered under my breath. I gave a flick of my wand and sent her cleaning supplies into a frenzy of cleaning on their own. She let out a shriek and yelled out,
"LILY!"
"You're welcome!" I yelled back at her. Petunia may have hated my magic, but I wasn't hearing any further complaining from her. I knew she would clean until the very last second when we'd have to leave to pick up Vernon to distract herself. If she wasn't cleaning, she would sit around all day, a nervous wreck, and especially irritable.
I was almost clear of her when she yelled back, "DON'T FORGET WE HAVE TO GO PICK HIM UP LATER!" as if that very fact hadn't haunted me all night in my sleep. It was bad enough that we had to put up with him, but the fact that James and I had to pick up Vernon felt like rubbing salt into the wound.
The original plan was to let him drive to the house but Sirius had so graciously explained to us that the Meadowes' Mansion had wards up to prevent any muggles from finding it without magic, or permission to be there. Those wards were only extended to include me and the rest of my family, but anyone else would have a tough time finding the place.
It was both a hassle I didn't want to go to for Vernon, but it also brought me joy that he would have to drive all the way to the nearest town and abandon his car there only for James and I to show him it had all been for nothing when we could've just retrieved him from his place in London instead.
Could we have accompanied him in his car the rest of the way? Definitely. Did any of us want to subject ourselves to that horror? Not really.
"Is Petunia scrubbing the walls, darling?" Mum asked when I entered the kitchen. She calmly flipped through the morning newspaper that the house-elves fetched for her every morning.
"Do you even have to ask?" I replied as I settled myself near the roaring fireplace and watched my breakfast placed down in front of me.
"I told her she could ask the elves for help," mum said. "She said,-"
"I wouldn't trust them to clean to my satisfaction," I said at the same time as her. "Where's dad?"
"He's sleeping in, gathering his strength to endure Vernon's bullshit," mum replied nonchalantly. I couldn't help but snort in response. "And also avoiding your sister's manic cleaning."
"How many more meals before Vernon breaks dad?" I asked as I cleaned my plate of pancakes one pancake at a time.
"Every time I think today is the day, but he pulls his remaining self-control out of the depths of his soul and carries on," mum said as she folded up her newspaper and put it down.
"Where are you going?" I asked her as she got up and made her way towards the exit.
"I'm going to have some tea with Euphemia before my day is completely ruined," mum said and then she was gone.
I was practically vibrating with pent up energy the whole day. Never in my life had I looked forward to spending an extended period of time around Vernon, but I couldn't stop the anticipation building at the fact that I was going to get under his skin. Petunia kept cleaning the whole day, her hair falling out of her immaculate bun little by little throughout the day, her face growing redder and redder as she cleaned more aggressively.
Dad was missing the whole day, probably enjoying his quiet time and last few moments of serenity and calm before Vernon set foot inside and offended everyone in sight. At least the Potter's and Sirius would be there to dine with them, so they could offset any awkwardness that anyone might have felt. Especially because my parents could just ignore him and talk to the Potter's if they found him too much to tolerate.
James showed up at the agreed upon time for us to depart and find Vernon. He knocked on our door in what could only be described as a chipper manner. When I opened the door, he stood there, leather jacket on, maroon scarf wrapped around his neck, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Why do you look so happy?" I grumbled at him. I was puffed up and cozy in my baggy sweater and my parka.
"Lils, as you are so intimately aware, I live to be irritating," James replied with a grin. I ignored the warm feeling that spread through me at the sight of his warm gaze.
"You're starting to lose your touch then I guess," I teased him and James beamed at me. I couldn't stop a flush from spreading across my cheeks, which seemed to please him even more. He stepped over the threshold and threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side as I closed the door behind him.
"Where's Petunia?" James asked as he looked around for her.
"Probably redoing her eyeliner so it looks perfect," I told him and leaned into his side. "She's got a very shaky hand and wrinkly eyelids."
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Petunia yelled as if on cue as she came clattering down the stairs in knee-high boots and a sweater dress.
"Why is she coming with us?" James whispered to me as Petunia hurriedly zipped up her jacket.
"She's the buffer, otherwise we might kill him," I told James. I could only imagine how impossible it would be to convince Vernon to come with us if Petunia wasn't with us. It would take at least half an hour to convince him to trust us long enough to use magic to get to the house.
"Alright let's go," Petunia said and flashed us her most blinding smile. I still could not understand how this woman could muster up this much excitement over Vernon, of all people.
Petunia grasped James's left arm, and I hung onto his right.
"Petunia, have I ever taken you Side-Along Apparating with me?" I asked her as I looked past James.
"No."
"You're going to hate this, sorry in advance."
"Wha-" but James was already turning on the spot and the crushing sensation of being forced through a straw cut Petunia off.
Apparating always felt like it would last forever, but just when you thought it would never end, the sensation immediately seized and left you standing disoriented with all the blood rushing from your head.
James and I both took a step forward to keep our balance and Petunia, predictably, almost collapsed, gasping as if she had a collapsed lung. She was bent over at the waist, hands braced on her knees as she took in large gulps of air.
"You good?" I asked her as a sharp wind started blowing around us and sent snow flurrying across the ground.
"That was fucking terrible, I can't believe you people do this to yourself willingly," Petunia rasped out.
"Do you need a hand?" James asked her, his voice coloured with concern. "What?" he asked me in confusion when he caught me staring at him like a puppy.
"Nothing, nothing," I said hurriedly.
"I'm okay," Petunia said, and then she straightened and immediately looked around to try and find Vernon. Neither Petunia nor I were familiar with the little village near the houses, but James, who no doubt spent a lot of time in his mansion, immediately set off towards the busier area of the town.
"Where did you tell Vernon to wait for us?" I asked Petunia as we followed James.
"I just told him to make himself easy to find," Petunia said with a shrug. And with that unhelpful advice in mind, we marched on.
Vernon was in fact very easy to spot, the obnoxiousness just radiated off of him like overwhelming body odour. His arrogance was like a beacon that we could follow.
And he was yelling into a pay phone at the top of his lungs.
"I'm embarrassed already," I muttered as the three of us stood shoulder to shoulder across the street from Vernon and listened to him continue to yell abuse. Everyone gave him a wide berth as they passed by and I saw more than one mother put their arm across their child's shoulder and guide them across the street. I heard no disagreement from Petunia however, so maybe she wasn't as blind as I thought she was.
"Go get your beloved," I said to her and with a sigh she set off across the street. When Petunia got Vernon's attention he held up one hand in the universal signal for don't interrupt me and turned his back on her. Now I was feeling embarrassed for her as well.
"What a dick," James muttered to me and I couldn't have agreed more.
Two minutes later Vernon aggressively hung up the phone and gave Petunia a brusque kiss on the cheek before completely ignoring her and striding towards me and James.
"Let's get to it then," Vernon barked at us like a drill sergeant and looked around as if looking for a vehicle of transportation.
"Vernon, this is James, James this is Vernon," I introduced the two of them as Petunia stood behind Vernon meekly, looking decidedly less enthusiastic. James held out his hand, which Vernon opted not to acknowledge.
"That's all very nice, but let's get this show on the road, where's your ride," Vernon said, craning his neck to look around James and I.
"Just follow us," I said with a sigh and grabbed James to lead us to a more secluded area where we could disappear without attracting any attention to ourselves. Petunia and Vernon followed behind us, Vernon regaling her about the incompetence of whoever he had been yelling at. He managed one comment about how pretty Petunia looked but asked nothing about how she was doing.
My jaw was clenched so tightly in irritation it was beginning to ache but still I said nothing and kept walking.
Once we had found somewhere suitably isolated, we stopped walking. Vernon looked around us, confused at the lack of any apparent mode of transportation.
"Well, where is your car or whatever your people use?' Vernon demanded.
"We are the ride, Vernon," I deadpanned. As if on cue, James held out his arm to Vernon.
"If you please," James said. Vernon grabbed hold, eying James warily.
"See you back at the house Lils," James said with a wink and then with no further warning, he disappeared with a crack before Petunia could give any warning about what to expect.
"Don't," Petunia ground out at me and clamped her bony hand on my forearm harder than necessary.
"I wasn't gonna," I replied even though I desperately wanted to. I turned on the spot, and with a crack we were gone.
When we popped up in front of the house again, it was almost pitch black outside and Dorcas' house was lit up orange inside. The house-elves had done something in the brief time we were gone that made the place much more warm and inviting than it usually was.
We found James and Vernon inside, Vernon with his mouth hanging open as he looked around him, his jacket hanging limp in his hands.
"I think my parents and Sirius are already here," James said to me as he nodded in the direction of a dining room that we had yet to use or lay eyes on until tonight. It was as if James had summoned him because out strode Sirius, as if from the very walls himself, and left us all speechless.
In one hand, Sirius held a large wine glass. His hair had been washed and, as always, looked as if he was about to advertise shampoo. The shirt Sirius had on was white, and could certainly be considered formal, and certainly stylish if we were all pirates. There were frills around the neck, the sleeves ballooned and gathered at his wrists, and if my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, there was definitely gold trim on it. And because this was Sirius, I was willing to bet money that it was genuine gold. And because this wasn't extravagant enough, he had paired it with high-waisted black bell bottoms.
They flared around him as he walked, making it seem as if he was floating on a sea of fabric.
I couldn't decide if it was an atrocity on the eyes or absolute fashion genius. There was too much going on and it was as if my brain didn't know which part to focus on first.
"Lily, love, I'm so glad you're back at last, I've missed you dreadfully," Sirius proclaimed, wine glass still held aloft in the air. His posh, artistic manner of speaking was almost as jarring as his outfit was. I didn't even know Sirius could speak this way.
He moved swiftly and embraced me with one arm, placing two quick kisses on both of my cheeks. "Sirius, you saw me less than twenty-four hours ago," I managed to reply, stunned. Pretending as if he didn't hear, Sirius turned to Petunia.
"Petunia, my darling, it's so good to see you, I pray we shan't have to be parted for so long again," Sirius cried dramatically. He gripped Petunia's hand, and with one foot stuck in front of the other, bent over and placed a kiss on her knuckles. By Merlin's beard, the man even had put rings on his fingers, all of them bearing what I assumed was the Black family crest.
"What in Godric's name is going on here?" I hissed at James as I watched Sirius barely acknowledge Vernon before herding my sister towards the dining room without checking to see if her boyfriend was following. Petunia looked both stunned at the state of Sirius and also mildly flattered at the attention he was showering her with. I had never seen Sirius stare so intently at someone or something before in my life.
"He said he would make a slight change to the plan, I guess vampire pirate was what he meant," James replied, a grin on his face. He grabbed my hand and tugged me in the direction of our dinner party. Vernon's coat lay forgotten on the ground.
"Do you think he has a cape?" I asked James.
"Of course he does," James said. "You know Sirius never does anything halfway."
The dining room was set up beautifully, candles in every corner of the room to provide soft lighting, the dark wooden table set with gold dishes and utensils, a single vase of flowers in the middle of the table. Both sets of parents were seated at the table already, talking to each other.
Sirius had already seated Petunia and had taken residence at the only spot at the head of the table. The introductions to Vernon seemed to have already been made. It seemed the gold, and Sirius, had left him in shock because he sat next to Petunia with his mouth hanging open. James and I took the remaining seats.
"Petunia, my stunning flower, the combination of this lighting and your lovely dress is beautiful on you," Sirius said to her as our first course was served. He snatched the bottle of wine that was handed to him by one of the elves and offered it to Petunia, who nodded yes. Vernon flinched in surprise when one of the house-elves served him his food, but between the elves and Sirius, I guess he decided Sirius was the more threatening option.
"Who are you?" Vernon asked as he looked Sirius over.
"Sirius Arcturus Orion Black of the Black family," Sirius declared proudly, probably for the only time in his life. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see our parents making faces at each other as they looked on.
"Hm, never heard of you, I'm Vernon, Vernon Dursley," Vernon replied snobbishly.
"Yes, I imagine you wouldn't have, we do make it a habit to avoid interacting with those too poor for us," Sirius went on with a dramatic sigh. "Or those who don't have family mottos, can you imagine being forced to converse with folks who don't have pretentious Latin attached to their family history?"
Sirius turned to me. His eyes widened as if the very prospect scandalized him. I nodded sagely, "The sheer uncultured idea of it, I absolutely couldn't bear it."
"Don't be ridiculous Lilith, your family doesn't have a motto," Vernon snapped.
"I'll have you know we do," I said haughtily.
"We do?" asked Petunia, confused.
We did not.
"It's mo shùile togam suas," I insisted.
"I will raise up my eyes, quite right you are Lily," Sirius said snootily. "It's Scottish Gaelic but close enough I suppose." I hid my grin behind a napkin and turned to James who smiled back at me. He put his arm around and bent close to my ear as if to say something, but his mouth only mouthed the words and I heard nothing. Part of the plan to irritate Vernon.
I blushed as if James had whispered something sweet and flattering in my ear. It wasn't hard to do. Just having him this close to me was enough to put my senses on edge and make me feel warm all over.
I could see Vernon bristling as he gulped down a glass of wine. From the other end of the table we heard a snort, and we all turned to see Euphemia Potter dabbing at her mouth.
"Pardon me, I sneezed and almost got my drink everywhere," she replied as primly as possible but I could see how tightly she was pursing her lips to avoid laughing. My own parents looked altogether far too interested in their food.
"Tell us, Vernon, what do you do for a living," Mr. Potter jumped in.
"I work for a drill company," Vernon declared proudly, his chest puffing out and his back straightening. This meant nothing to Mr. Potter, who nodded his head and said, "ah."
"Although, I'm sure that means nothing to your lot, as behind as you all are on the times," Vernon sniffed. "I'm currently the head of my own marketing group, I'm hoping to be promoted early next year."
"You sound very accomplished," Mrs. Potter said kindly, despite the fact that Vernon had just called her family and I ass backwards.
"I am indeed, and I make quite a bit doing my work," Vernon bragged. Sirius rolled his eyes so hard I for sure thought they would be stuck like that.
"Christ Almighty," he muttered under his breath.
"With his salary, it's enough for us to start a family without having to worry about me keeping a job," Petunia gushed as she clung to Vernon's arm.
"Just as it should be, women have no place in the workforce," Vernon agreed. My grip on my knife got considerably tighter. I felt a warmth settle on my left hand and looked over to see James's tanned hand covering my fist. Euphemia was struggling to keep a polite expression on her face. I knew how accomplished James's parents were as Auror's, hearing this kind of sentiment couldn't have been easy for her to tolerate.
How I wished she would whip out her wand and Stun Vernon right where he sat.
"And what about you, Servius -"
"Sirius," Sirius corrected in a bored tone.
"What do you do?" Vernon demanded in a tone that suggested he expected Sirius to say he was destitute and an idiot who planned on being homeless when he finished Hogwarts.
"Is it not enough to be a wealthy aristocrat from a family that is over five hundred years old and descends from royalty," Sirius said in a dispassionate tone. "Must I slave away at menial work as if I were a peasant like you, Vermin?"
It was Mr. Potter's turn to expel his wine. "Terribly sorry, this wine is… spicier than I expected."
"Vernon," Vernon ground out, completely ignoring the Potter's. I was ready to bet money that his moustache was seconds away from jumping off his face in anger. His teeth were bared at Sirius as if he was ready to leap across the table and bite him. Petunia watched on meekly, occasionally sticking a forkful of food in her mouth.
"My good man, my family is so wealthy, we could buy your entire family, extended relatives and all, and still have enough money left over to live comfortably for three generations. I promise you, I need do nothing with my life," Sirius replied. "Petunia, you veritably glow in the candlelight. I hardly know anything about you, my flower, tell me, what do you do for a job?"
"I'm Vernon's secretary," she replied, blushing under the intensity of Sirius's gaze.
"Hot damn, he's quite the charmer," I whispered to James.
"Sirius could sell a telly to the Amish," James agreed.
"And what does being a secretary for this man entail, pray tell," Sirius asked leaning forward.
"Oh I do everything, I schedule his appointments, I keep track of his documents and memos, I prepare his meetings, I make phone calls, you name it," Petunia said, she sounded proud of herself and I could see her glancing at Vernon out of her eye, waiting for him to call her out on it.
"How astonishing, you truly are a woman of rare breed," Sirius said.
"I scarcely think being a secretary puts her above a regular woman, it's not that hard," Vernon snapped. Petunia wilted next to him and looked at her glass sadly.
"Au contraire, that means on the contrary-"
"I bloody well know what it means," Vernon seethed.
"Being a secretary is incredibly difficult, remembering all your tasks, all the details about your personal matters and business matters, and to do it all with a smile on your face, I commend you," Sirius said with a nod in my sister's direction.
"That is exactly what I always tell her," burst out my dad in agreement. "Finally, a man with good taste and working eyes."
"Christopher," mum hissed at him.
"You know Tunie, I've always felt that petunia's were the most beautiful flower, how fitting you were named after them," Sirius said with a charming grin.
"What would you know of flowers," Vernon scoffed. "Everyone knows roses are the most beautiful."
"I assure you my good man, I am quite familiar with flowers," Sirius punctuated this by looking Petunia over slowly and then smirking into his wine goblet. "I've tried many kinds of flowers in my life. I'd say I'm quite the expert at teasing them into full bloom. Isn't that right, James?"
I felt as if I would burst into flame. I glanced at our parents but if they were scandalized or uncomfortable; they didn't show it.
"Yes, I can definitely vouch for Sirius. Many students at our school practically compose songs about Sirius's expertise with… making flowers bloom," James said with a cough as my father choked on his food.
"For the love of God, chew the food Christopher," my mother scolded as she slapped at my dad's back. Petunia was gazing into her lap, her face so red I thought she would pass out any second.
"Give your mother my regards on her well-tended wood behind your summer estate," Euphemia piped in, a glimmer in her eye.
"Oh good Lord," I muttered to James. He moved even closer to me and leaned down, blocking Vernon's view of my face. I could see Petunia looking at the two of us from her seat and before I could think too hard about it, I placed my hand on James's cheek and rubbed my thumb back and forth as I stared into his eyes. For a moment, everything else around us faded away as he looked back at me, and then down at my mouth.
"I'll make sure to pass on the praise, as you know my family has the biggest, thickest wood out there," Sirius replied with dead seriousness, shifting his gaze from Mrs. Potter to Vernon. I pursed my lips and pressed my face into James's shoulder as he sat back, the moment broken.
"This soup is lovely, has anyone tried the soup," mum muttered and shovelled it into her mouth by the spoonful.
"As we all know, a big, thick wood is essential for making flowers bloom," Sirius continued on.
"We need more wine," Mr. Potter declared to no one in particular.
If I didn't know Sirius was purposely doing this, I would almost believe he was oblivious to the innuendos he was making. Petunia looked absolutely mortified at what was going on. Meanwhile, the collar of Vernon's shirt looked as if it was digging into his windpipe, that's how bloated he seemed.
"Lilith, get your mongrel under control," Vernon snapped. Something about this statement seemed to absolutely delight Sirius. His smile took on a canine-like quality the longer I stared at him.
"It's Lily, and Sirius isn't my anything," I snapped.
"She's right, James is the one who is all hers," Sirius agreed. "I wonder if we'll have crème brûlée for dessert."
James threw his arm around me and planted a kiss on my cheek to punctuate Sirius's point. I felt both embarrassed at this being done in front of my parents but also pleased by it.
Maybe I had just a bit of a thing for James. Just a little.
"How is dear Walburga?" Mr. Potter asked.
"Oh the usual, disappointed in me as a son, ranting and raving about the purity of the family, toujours pur and all that. The usual among our breed," Sirius said with a yawn as his preferred dessert of choice was placed in front of him.
"You must be mediocre to be considered a disappointment among your kind, what is your family involved in?" Vernon scoffed.
"They're blood supremacists, occasional hitman, assassinations are in terribly high demand nowadays as I'm sure you know. These days most of them are involved in trying to start a genocide," Sirius said as he scooped the sugary dessert into his mouth.
"You know, just last week dear Bella got arrested on murder charges, Walburga was positively delighted at the news," Sirius went on, addressing Mr. Potter. "Of course they only managed to hold her for a few hours before she escaped. You know how talented she is"
The airy manner with which Sirius relayed this message didn't align with the death grip he had on his spoon or the almost deadened look in his eyes. If I weren't paying attention, I might've missed the grim looks on the Potter's faces. But this was not the time to be discussing this latest piece of news. Petunia looked almost green with nausea at the announcement. I didn't tell her much, but I think she was smart enough to figure out Sirius wasn't joking. My parents looked around in confusion, and Vernon, well, he'd gone white in the face.
James's arm tightened around me and I couldn't help but lean into his warmth and solidness for comfort.
"Suddenly I feel a little sick," Sirius said, all traces of his act gone in a blink. He dropped his spoon with a clatter and was gone before anyone could say anything.
a/n: y'all i had so much fun writing this so i hope if you're reading this you had just as much fun while reading it. i hope the flower and wood innuendos were clear enough and i just wanted to thank THGHPTVD for the reviews that they left on the previous chapters, they put a smile on my face and i'm so glad to hear that you're enjoying the story. i'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on the story and the chapter. there were a few things i wanted to add in while i was editing but i think i forgot them but oh well. until next time then.