Hello hello hello! Happy Thursday!

Did you all have good weeks? I hope so. My weekend turned out unexpectedly crazy when I got last minute invited to a friend's sister's wedding out on Long Island. I didn't know anyone and felt like a crasher, but everyone was super cool and the reception was fun as hell, especially once it devolved to everyone getting fucked up on the beach LOL! We love to see it.

I was scrambling to get this chapter edited and posted on time, but it was worth all the struggle because these next three chapters are probably my favorite part of the story. Just generally I think it's really climactic and exciting, the first big drop in the roller coaster that is this story, and it's really cinematic and, in its weird way, beautiful. That craziness corresponded to things in my own life changing positively, though it was incredibly painful. I remember distinctly writing the part about Eren reading The Stranger on the beach when I'd taken the day for myself to clear my head after a life changing experience (in a good way!) at an emo party. You heard me.

I also had to throw a kava bar reference in because one of my dear friends is a bartender at this place on the Lower East Side, and when I first started watching/reading Attack On Titan I used to go see her at work and scream at her about it. She'd ply me with shells of kava to calm me down (to the degree that I ever calm down at all) and then we'd actually have a discussion. She says it was really entertaining, but good lord I was annoying. Once I started writing this I'd also work on it at the bar and shell with her when I'd finish big emotionally taxing chunks, which was lovely. We also talked about The Stranger and how the philosophy relates to Attack On Titan, too!

So yeah, I hope all of you like these next few chapters as much as I do!

Also, for the vibes! Listen to Slow Burn by Atreyu. Told you guys they'd make it onto the soundtrack, didn't I? I fucking love this band, and honestly Light Pollution wouldn't be Light Pollution without them. Attack On Titan requires metal, and though I never outgrew my emo phase, I always skewed towards metalcore and screamo, so here we are. I remember talking with my bartender friend about how Eren doesn't really fit the "broody emo anime protagonist" archetype because he's too grungy and nasty to pull it off LOL.

Rediscovering Atreyu last summer also led me to a ton of other absolutely incredible bands I can't believe I missed but also to reading The Neverending Story for the first time, which if you have not read HOLY SHIT. The movie's great but the book, THE BOOK, if you love fiction, you'll love this. It's written for people like us. It's actually a funny story, I was outside another emo party talking to my friend who'd been DJing, and these basic Brooklyn bros roll up and start talking to us. Now I'm drunk so I'm just talking shit and entertaining it, whatever, and the one who was clearly trying to hit on me starts telling me how emo bands have stupid names. I mean, he's not wrong, so I reply, "Yeah that's why I'd rather front a metalcore band where our name is a literary reference, like Of Mice & Men or Atreyu." He's like, "Atreyu's not a literary reference!" I'm like, "Yes it is." "No it isn't." I dunno what he's trying to prove so I was like, "Atreyu's the character in The Neverending Story, what are you talking about?" and he has the NERVE to tell me "That was like, an '80s movie!" so I go "It was a book first, bro!" at which point his friends tell him to give up and they leave us alone. Lord have mercy.

ANYWAY, I'd read Of Mice and Men (and you all should too) but I'd never actually read The Neverending Story (although I love the movie as a kid, who didn't?) but I figure if I'm gonna be saying shit like that I should probably read the book, right? Integrity and all that. So I went to Strand the next day and bought it and holy SHIT I was not prepared. I've never felt so seen or taken care of by a book in my entire life. Reading a chapter or two every night kept me sane during the incredibly stressful beginning of September, and I'm eternally grateful. The philosophy in it also helped me understand some things I'd been struggling with about Eren and just... Ugh. Okay I'll stop.

Also as I mentioned before, I saw Atreyu live in November and that show was like a goddamn exorcism. I'd been carrying around stress and heartbreak and anger for months, and that show helped me purge all of it. I was screaming and crying their entire set, I looked a goddamn FOOL but I couldn't care less. It was necessary. They absolutely KILLED, and I caught one of Dan's guitar picks and carry it in my wallet. Fuck yeah. I'm uncomfortably attached to this band.

This song in particular, the lyrics are all relevant, but I think this one in particular sums up... the whole process of writing this story. "It's only as dark as you make it."

Right? Right.

Wow this author's note is way too long, I'm so sorry! Let's get into it!

Over the next few weeks, Eren's only measure of time was how much pain he was in. Whether it was the sharp, fresh sting from new cuts, bites and bruises or the burning, itchy ache from being apart from Levi for too long, it kept him focused, connected and moving forward. Forward to more time with Levi.

They saw each other every few days, and Eren barely had to step into the sanctuary of Levi's apartment before he'd shove him up against the wall or force him to his knees or grab his erection through his pants, asking, "Desperate already?" or something else inflammatory and arousing.

The more time they spent together, the harder it became to distinguish between visits. Was the night he woke Levi up with head only to get his face fucked the same visit where Levi had choked him so hard he'd gotten a nosebleed? Or maybe that was the afternoon Levi had him face down ass up and fucked him between his thighs.

"No! I want you to put it in!" Eren had cried, beyond frustrated even though the friction of Levi's erection against his own felt incredible.

"You're way too used to getting what you want," Levi reminded him in a low growl before finishing on his back.

Regardless, all their nights together ended the same: in Levi's bed wrapped around each other under the blankets, and this was what Eren missed the most when they were apart. Levi felt so good, so strong and gentle and undeniably there, holding him close in the aftermath of some of the most intense pain and intense orgasms of his life. Eren would always fall asleep and almost always stay asleep, and he couldn't remember the last time that had happened, if ever.

Unfortunately, it had now been a whole ass week since Eren had seen Levi, and his longing for him was like a constant burning in every nerve of his body. He'd never experienced anything like it before, such an intense, all consuming need, and he hated it. Whenever he complained, Levi told him he was sorry, that work had been insane and that he missed their time together too. Unfortunately, this did fuck all, and he'd withdrawn almost totally into his room.

He lay in bed on Saturday afternoon, face down in his pillows and trying not to move because it hurt too much, with blankets covering his windows, the air conditioning on full blast and his music blaring from his laptop on the end of his bed. He was awake, unfortunately, as he had been for the last twenty four hours.

Suddenly his phone, which he'd placed beside his ear, started to ring. With an enormous effort, he lifted his head, dried blood on his upper lip sticking uncomfortably to his pillowcase. The bright screen was rough on his eyes and he blinked a few times before getting Armin's name into focus. Disappointment flooded Eren's chest, but with another enormous effort he answered the call and held the phone against his ear.

"Hello?" he groaned.

"Eren? Are you okay?" Eren screwed up his eyes for a second, trying to get his wits about him.

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?" Armin repeated. Eren groaned and rubbed his sore eyes.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I was just wondering if you were coming to Sasha's birthday tonight."

"To what?"

"Sasha's birthday." Eren said nothing. "Hot pot?" Eren screwed up his eyes and wracked his mind. "We talked about it at Ymir and Historia's?"

"Oh yeah," said Eren, remembering that was the same night he and Levi had made plans to hang out for the first time. "Yeah I remember. That's tonight?"

"Yes." Eren groaned. He didn't want to go when it hurt to lift his head up, when he had no energy or stamina for anyone except Levi. He was about to tell Armin so when his phone buzzed in his hand. His heart skipped as though someone had jumpstarted it, and he cried out at Levi's name and opened the message at once.

10:16 AM

Can I see you soon?

11:54 AM

Are you busy with work again today?

3:37 PM

I could come over later

5:03 PM

Obviously I was busy with work, calm down

Eren heard the words in Levi's haughty, impatient tone and almost laughed in relief as more chat bubbles appeared.

Tonight I'm going to a movie screening with friends

I told you

Eren gave a little moan of disappointment and jealousy. Didn't Levi and those friends realize Eren needed his time more? However...

come over tomorrow

I've got the day off

Eren let out a strangled gasp and replied immediately, his hands shaking.

fucking finally I'm dying

what time what time

"Eren?" came Armin's voice anxiously from the phone. Eren sat up, suddenly much more awake and in much less pain. He had a date and time, and what was more, he had a means of passing the intervening hours. He still wasn't enthused about going out with the rest of their friends to a bright, crowded space, but it was better than nothing.

"Armin?"

"Yes?" Armin asked, rather apprehensively.

"The mall in Flushing, right? Yeah, I'll be there." A pause.

"Great! Um, I think we're meeting there at 6:30."

"Bet."

"Great," said Armin again. "I'll, I'll see you and Mikasa later." Eren closed his eyes for a moment.

"No doubt, bye."

"Bye…" Eren hung up and ran his fingers through his hair, licking the dried blood off his upper lip. Just a few more hours and he could see Levi, but in the meantime he had to go to Sasha's birthday.

He got out of bed, shoved his knuckles in his mouth and pulled his bedroom door open with his other hand. He shuddered, the brightness of the hallway almost enough to send him back to his room, but he bit down on his knuckle and gathered himself. He was seeing Levi tomorrow. He was seeing Levi tomorrow. Everything would be better tomorrow.

He passed Mikasa's closed door and trudged down the stairs. His mother didn't seem to be home, but his father's car keys hung on their hook by the door, so he proceeded to his office. His family had been better about staying out of his way since Zeke's funeral. Indeed most of his interactions with them had been through his closed bedroom door about nothing more consequential than coming down for dinner he'd refuse to eat. Sometimes he'd hear his parents in the early morning before Grisha would leave for a 4 AM surgery or Mikasa going running or to hang out with Sasha and Historia, but they hadn't been bothering him.

His heart sped up a little as he stood in front of Grisha's office door, took his knuckles out of his mouth and knocked. "Come in." Eren pushed open the door with a dull creak and found all the curtains drawn. Grisha sat at his desk, eerily silhouetted by his desk lamp and computer screen, his typing extra loud in the oppressive silence. Eren waited, shifting back and forth and looking around the dark room agitatedly, until Grisha finally turned to face him. "What- Eren are you all right?" he asked, his puffy eyes narrowing behind his glasses.

"Huh? Yeah," replied Eren, beyond sick of answering this question. He was still banged up from the last time he'd seen Levi, but the bruises on his neck and wrists were that weird greenish yellow and no longer hurt when he pressed them and the bite marks on his back and chest had long since scabbed over. 'Tomorrow,' Eren reminded himself. 'Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.' He swallowed. "I'm fine, um, Mikasa and I are going out for Sasha's birthday, is it cool if I take the car?"

"Right, she mentioned. Where are you going?"

"Flushing." Grisha sighed, then nodded.

"Just be careful, please?"

"I know." However, as he said it, he realized it would be his first time taking the car since that trip to the beach. Just like the night before Zeke's funeral, it gave him a weird feeling.

"Have you finished The Stranger yet?" asked Grisha, after a moment.

"Yeah, I'm rereading it now," said Eren. This was mostly true. Eren had started it on the train home from Levi's apartment and finished it as fast as he could, wanting to discuss it the next time they saw each other, after Levi had fucked him senesless of course. And so it had been. Lying on Levi's chest with his leg flung over his hips, Eren had told him, "Meursault gets it," with fucked out authority.

"Yeah? What do you mean by that?" asked Levi, with genuine curiosity, stroking his hair.

"He doesn't… why he does things, it's…" But Eren hadn't been able to articulate much beyond that and didn't want to frustrate himself trying. "Can I keep the book longer? I wanna read it again." Levi raised his eyebrows, but nodded.

The next day, Eren lay stretched out on the couch in the TV room with the book, walking the path to Mersault's mother's funeral under the blazing Algerian sun, both of them hating the brightness. "Eren?" He looked up to find his father framed in the doorway, just home from the hospital and staring down at him with an odd look on his face.

"What?" he asked, leaning his head back over the arm of the couch, not caring that this made the worst of his new bruises clearly visible. He was sure a comment on how unusual it was to see him downstairs was coming, but he was still in that glorious satiated state after seeing Levi, so he didn't care. To his surprise, however, all his father asked was,

"What are you reading?"

"The Stranger," replied Eren, cautiously, holding up Levi's battered copy.

"Oh," replied Grisha, also rather cautiously. He paused, but then pushed on. "I haven't read that since college. From what I remember it's brilliant."

"I like it."

"I wouldn't have thought- never mind." Another pause, and as they stared at each other something flickered in Grisha's eyes. He took a step forward. "Was it an Armin recommendation?" Eren couldn't repress his snort of laughter and rubbed the side of his neck, the pressure against his bruises satisfying.

"Nah, I was just curious."

"I see." Grisha's eyes remained fixed upon his face, and after the longest pause yet, "It's good," he said, in a kind of gruff approval, before retreating into his office.

Eren had reread the book a few times now, but had abandoned his most recent attempt once he'd gone too long without Levi and the words on the page swam sickeningly whenever he looked at them. He'd also started thinking about all those books in Zeke's apartment, left to rot with his body. Had The Stranger been one of them? Not that it mattered, but…

"It's better the second time, if I recall correctly," said Grisha, jerking Eren back to the present. "It's clearer."

"Yeah." Grisha took off his glasses and cleaned them.

"Why are you going all the way out to Flushing?" Eren bit down hard on his lip before replying.

"All you can eat hot pot."

"Ah." Eren's parents were well aware of Sasha's gluttony. "When are you leaving?"

"In like, a half hour." Grisha nodded.

"Be careful."

Levi closed his eyes and leaned against the plastic purple seat of the E train running on the F line all weekend. It was full of inattentive tourists, locals just trying to get somewhere and that one person who just had to bring his electric scooter onto the train rather than ride it. Levi did his best to ignore it all, to think about time with Hange and Erwin, though if he were honest, after the week he'd had, going straight home was much more appealing.

Erwin had worked them all to the bone with intense clean ups, even calling people in on their days off because they needed the help. It wasn't his fault, these things were unpredictable, and he always tried to give people at least one day in the office so they weren't on site too much. In fact the only reason Levi felt okay to go out tonight was because he'd been in the office all day, but he was still exhausted after spending the previous few days on Staten Island cleaning up a gruesome murder.

wait that was on the news!

Eren had texted him excitedly when Levi had told him why he couldn't hang out that night.

No shit there's cameras here every day

the victim had his stomach cut open right?

spilled his guts

Levi shook his head, though knowing what he knew from Kenny, Eren was probably right.

The bodies are always long gone by the time we get to the scenes kid

but yeah that's what they say

wait did you see what was written in blood on the walls?

Yes

It was the first thing we cleaned up

I can't believe someone actually did that

like who tf actually does that?!

It's a little dramatic, for sure

who do you think did it?

God only knows

This was the longest they'd gone without seeing each other, and though it hadn't been that much time, really, Levi missed Eren. He'd gotten used to seeing him every few days, and while he obviously missed getting laid, he also missed cuddling up with him at night, cooking and drinking tea together, his chatter and surprising astuteness. Levi felt his absence in his stomach, and every text was like a hunger pang, especially as the messages got more and more demanding. Anxious, even.

Levi's phone went off in his hand, and he started at a message from Hange in their group chat with Erwin.

Four Eyes

you're still coming out tonight, right?

I'm on the train now

chill out with your stupid glasses

Erwin

I'll see you both later!

Four Eyes

YAY!

The corner of Levi's mouth twitched, but then he noticed messages from Eren he'd missed as he was leaving work.

fucking finally I'm dying

what time what time

You aren't dying, calm down

In the afternoon, usual time

Levi's heart sped up as he knew a weird mix of relief and apprehension. He wanted to see Eren, and he was sure once he had him in front of him all the weird feelings would go away.

A half hour later, the train pulled into 2nd Avenue, and Levi made his way through the oppressive, piss scented heat of the station and out onto Houston St. He wove in and out of the crowds and noise, entirely unfazed, until he got stuck behind a crowd of young people, Eren's age by the look of them, having a blazing argument.

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Listen, I regret nothing!" The young man threw his hands in the air in apparent triumph.

"Yeah well, it was still fucking stupid!" his friend reminded him.

"Yeah well, I hope you get head lice!" The rest of the group burst out laughing and Levi couldn't repress a snort.

"The fuck is wrong with you?!" the friend cried, outraged, and Levi, deciding he'd heard enough, slipped in between them and opened a door halfway down the block.

The kava bar was small and dark, with updated tiki decor and a chill ambience. Levi raised his hand at a few people he recognized, then made a b-line for Hange, who was leaning over the bar and engrossed in conversation with the woman behind it. However, she looked up as Levi approached, smiled and waved, breaking Hange's concentration. They followed her gaze, and a broad grin broke out across their face. "Levi!" They took their bag off the chair beside them so he could sit down.

"Hello," he said, smiling in spite of himself.

"Would you like a shell?" asked the bartender.

"Yes please," replied Levi.

"Me too!" Hange interjected, loudly, and the bartender said,

"You got it," before getting to work.

"How was your day?" asked Hange, leaning one elbow on the bar and beaming at Levi.

"I just heard someone tell his friend he hopes he gets head lice, so much better now." Hange let out a shriek of laughter and fell against the bar.

"Head lice?" asked the bartender, placing two metal bowls filled with fresh kava in front of them.

"Apparently," said Levi, and she laughed and shook her head.

"Do you think that's what that guy meant by shirt ants?" asked Hange, when they'd regained control of themself.

"Shirt ants?" asked the bartender next, clearly unsure if she actually wanted to know or not. Hange sat up straight, always eager to hear the story, and though Levi rolled his eyes, he always enjoyed telling it.

"This was years ago," he explained. "I was on the train late at night and this homeless man was walking up and down the car muttering to himself, nothing exciting, so we were all ignoring him. But then we pulled into Columbus Circle and right as he's about to get off he says, at the top of his voice," Levi put on a menacing growl, "I hope you all get shirt ants!" Hange let out another shriek of laughter while the bartender chuckled bemusedly. "That was my reaction too," Levi told her, picking up his shell.

"Was this on the A?" asked the bartender.

"Of course it was."

"I'll shell with you for that," she said, and prepared one for herself. The three of them raised their shells, said, "Malo!" then drained them. Levi shuddered at the earthy taste and the numbing sensation it gave, but then felt the unwinding effect in his head and chest almost at once. The bartender collected their shells and went to see to other customers. When they were as alone as they could be in a crowded bar, Hange told Levi,

"I'm glad you're here."

"Good," he replied, grudgingly.

"I know the last few days have been awful."

"Today wasn't bad, I was just in the office."

"That's something, at least!" exclaimed Hange, sympathetically. Levi just waved the words away, wanting to stay present with his friend and hear about something, anything, besides work.

"What about you, is it finals time yet?" He'd only experienced "finals time" when he was in high school, but he didn't think it counted. When Hange talked about it it always meant more work and that they'd complain about their students and the associated drama.

"We're getting there," they sighed. "I'm still worried about some students, but the final is practical, which they tend to do better with, so that's good, but-" Levi just let them talk, their voice and the effects of the kava soothing. After a few minutes, the bartender reappeared with glasses of water for them, distracting Hange from a rant about one particular student and their interfering parents. They picked up the glass, chugged half of it and set it back on the bar, smiling in satisfaction. "So what about you? What's happening besides work? How's everything going with Eren?"

"Why do you have to ask so many questions at once?" asked Levi, grumpily but appreciatively. He considered them all, and though he realized there wasn't much going on besides Eren, he wasn't exactly sure what to say.

"It's going," he decided, eventually.

"Oh?" Hange tilted their head to the side. "You mean like 'it's progressing' going or 'I'm just enjoying myself' going?" Levi thought for a moment.

"He's been staying over a lot, not this week, obviously, but." Hange nodded, and Levi, knowing that didn't really answer the question, continued, "We're just fucking more than anything else, but it's not bad." He felt a guilty tug in his chest as he said it, thinking of Eren's increasing pushiness and anxiety over not seeing him.

"Well there's nothing wrong with that if the fucking's good and you're both on the same page," said Hange, reasonably. Levi nodded, and they grinned wickedly. "So is it good?"

"Better than what you get from your crush, you fucking creep," snapped Levi, and Hange burst out laughing and clutched their chest.

"So let me live vicariously through you until approaching her won't be a conflict of interest!"

"Jesus Christ," muttered Levi, though his mouth twitched in a shadow of an affectionate smile. He took a sip of water. "It's good," he said, slowly, his chest getting hot as he thought about it. "Really good."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he's just, into some shit."

"What, like fetish stuff?"

"Yes."

"I'm guessing nothing really messy…"

"No, that's all you," Levi assured them.

"What are you implying?!" demanded Hange in mock outrage. Levi made a fist and wrapped his knuckles against their bent knee. "But seriously, what do you mean?" Levi stared into their eyes, curious but non-judgmental behind their shitty glasses.

"He likes pain." Hange nodded.

"Giving or receiving?"

"Receiving." Hange nodded again. "First time together he told me to choke him out and slap him and-"

"-did you do it?"

"Eventually, yes." He wrapped his knuckles against Hange's knee again. He wasn't ashamed or guilty about any of it, but he hadn't told anyone, so it still felt like an admission. Some of his colleagues were down to go into explicit graphic detail about their personal lives at work, keep the conversation light and funny while scrubbing away blood and viscera, but Levi prefered to keep himself to himself.

"I wouldn't have figured you for a sadist, Levi," said Hange, carefully but completely without judgment.

"That's because I'm not," he replied at once, and this also felt like an admission somehow. "None of that shit would have occurred to me, but with Eren…"

"Sometimes it just takes the right person to bring it out of you," said Hange, still totally reasonably. "Do you like it?" Levi considered this. Obviously he didn't hate it, or he wouldn't keep doing it to begin with, but did he really get off on it the way Eren did? He thought of Eren splayed out for him, bitten and bruised and begging for it, taking him so well and so deeply, the feel of his pulse in his hands as he squeezed his neck, the taste of his sweat and blood, the intensity, the disgust…

"It's not bad," said Levi, eventually. Hange opened their mouth, but then Erwin entered the bar.

"Am I late?" he asked, smiling and nodding and clasping hands with the other customers as he made his way over to Levi and Hange. "I went home to shower and change first."

"I'm just surprised you actually left the site on time," said Levi, watching Erwin brofist the bartender and order three more shells.

"I'm allowed an occasional Saturday night out, right?" he replied.

"Yes!" cried Hange, eagerly. Under the cover of their conversation, Levi checked his phone, and sure enough, found more messages from Eren.

no I think I am

everything hurts and it fucking sucks

what are you doing tonight?

Levi's heart sped up even through the effects of the kava, and he knew again that anxiety, that hunger, but it was more off putting than exciting.

I keep telling you

I'm at a movie screening with friends

He put his phone away to shell with Hange and Erwin, wondering how long it would take Eren to reply. An hour? A minute? Probably a second. He shuddered and set his shell back on the bar.

Showered and dressed in clean clothes that best hid what remained of his bruises, Eren knocked on Mikasa's door. "Come in," she called. He hadn't been in her room in a long time, but it still looked exactly as it always did: spotless and perfectly organized, the same wallpaper, curtains and sheets that she'd picked out with Carla when she'd first come to live here, the photos of her parents, Eren and their friends framed nicely on her desk and the track and field medals Grisha hadn't insisted on displaying downstairs hanging from the walls. The only noticeable difference was Sasha had apparently scotch taped some drawings on the wall behind her bed. Mikasa herself stood in front of her mirror, securing her hair with bobby pins while music played softly in the background. She eyed Eren's reflection for a moment before turning to look at him properly.

"Are you ready?" he asked, his stomach already twisting. She nodded, picked up her purse from her bed and followed him downstairs. She went to tell Grisha what time to expect them home while Eren took the car keys from the hook by the door. It still gave him a weird feeling, and apparently Mikasa was thinking the same thing because when she caught up with him, she said,

"I'm glad we won't get in trouble coming home."

"Here's hoping," replied Eren, edgily.

Outside the townhouse, they located Grisha's car parked a little ways up the street, and Eren felt the blazing sun hot on the back of his neck and the pungent smell of the bulging garbage bags along the sidewalk sharp in his nose as they made their way over. The moment they got into the car, he turned the air conditioning to full blast and synced up his phone to play music, smiling at a text from Levi.

I keep telling you

I'm at a movie screening with friends

'Oh yeah,' thought Eren, and he was again seized with an intense jealousy and desire to be there too. He knew they had plans already, but the idea of seeing Levi even a few hours sooner made his body throb with longing.

where at?

He gave it a few seconds to see if he'd get a quick reply, but when no chat bubbles appeared, he started the engine. "Are we picking up anyone else?" he asked Mikasa over the music, disappointed and frustrated.

"No, but half of them will probably want rides home."

"Probably." As Eren plugged the address into his GPS, he saw out of the corner of his eye Mikasa's lip twitch in what might have been a smile. Before her expression could get too purposeful, Eren pulled out of the parking space with a screech of tires and sent her flying into the back of her seat. "Sorry," he muttered, swerving and weaving his way towards 1st Avenue. They turned left, then right, then left again to head down 2nd Avenue, not speaking, until,

"Are you seeing someone?" Eren slammed on the brakes at a yellow light he could have made had the car ahead of him not hesitated. Mikasa flew forward into her seatbelt and Eren's hands tightened around the steering wheel. He'd known this would happen eventually, but why the fuck did it have to happen right now? When he had to conserve his strength for the remaining hours between him and Levi?

"What's it to you?" he asked her in a low, threatening voice.

"You can lie to Grisha and Carla all you want, but I can tell when you lie," she replied, unmoved.

"The fuck you can," Eren muttered, then, before she could argue, "Don't worry about it, all right? I can take care of myself."

"Eren-" but at that moment the light changed and Eren screeched through the intersection. He turned up his music and merged onto the Queensboro Bridge at 61st Street, the sunset behind them making the buildings on Roosevelt Island and the river below shine. "Do you remember that trip to Cayuga Lake?" Mikasa asked, after a while.

"Yeah," replied Eren, coldly, glaring around for a way into the wall of cars ahead of him.

"Let's go back."

"What? Why?"

"It'd be nice." Eren seriously doubted this.

"You mean like, with Armin or something?" Mikasa just sighed again, and at last Eren was able to get ahead of the cars driving the speed limit. Accelerating felt good, like he could outrun the thoughts of how awful such an excursion could be. Were those trips ever fun? There was no way… but then he remembered Levi telling him, "I don't think I saw the night sky properly until I was in my twenties." Levi must have liked going upstate, so what if it was the two of them together? That might be okay… No, that'd definitely be okay. They could just fuck and swim and look at the stars and not talk to anyone else and the pressing quiet wouldn't bother him if Levi was there, he'd get multiple nights of good sleep in a row-

"Eren!"

"What?" His music stopped abruptly as the car's front sensor blared and flashed. "Fuck!" He swerved to the left, narrowly avoiding rear ending the car in front of him. When had that wall of brake lights appeared?

"Are you okay?" asked Mikasa, readjusting her seatbelt. Eren just turned up his music and bit down on the inside of his lip, adrenaline making his stomach twist and hands shake.

They fell into silence again, and it was more tense and more uncomfortable than ever. Eren chewed on his lip, but before he could draw blood they were coming off the highway to inch along Flushing's perpetually jammed Main Street. Eren made an irritable noise and jerkily maneuvered around cars double parked and crowds of people jaywalking to enter a multistory concrete parking lot. With another screech of tires he pulled into the nearest space he found, put the car in park and closed his eyes for a moment, running his tongue over the indentations he'd bitten into the inside of his lip.

"Are you okay?" asked Mikasa again, and Eren took as deep a breath in as he could manage and sighed it out.

"Yeah," he replied, though he wished he could just drive home again, or to wherever Levi was. Yeah, go pick him up and drive them out to the middle of nowhere and hook up in the back seat or something, that'd be a way better use of his night. He picked up his phone, but there were no new messages. "Let's just go," he said, bitterly, and he shut off the engine.

The concrete parking lot was like an oven in the evening sun and the crowded streets were parched and smokey from all the food carts around. It was a relief to enter the intensely air conditioned mall across the street. The restaurant was on the second floor behind a set of glass doors. Sasha was standing in front of the maître d's podium with Connie, Jean, Marco, Armin and a few other people Eren hadn't seen since graduation. The moment they entered, she let out a kind of war cry and sprinted forward to give Mikasa a hug.

"MIKASA! Are you ready to eat?!"

"Sure," she replied, actually smiling. "Here, I have a birthday present for you."

"Really?!"

Eren stayed behind, trying to hide under the commotion, but, "Oh wow, Eren's here!" exclaimed a peripheral friend, Hitch, standing beside her boyfriend, Marlowe, swinging their clasped hands. Eren raised his own hand, still holding the car keys, in greeting, then shoved it into his pocket. Marlowe let go of Hitch and approached him.

"Eren?" He gripped his keys tighter, the artificial light much brighter all of a sudden. "I heard about your brother, and I'm so sorry."

"Oh, um, thanks," replied Eren, shaking Marlowe's hand. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Armin, talking to their friends Mina and Hannah, cast a glance in his direction.

"Yeah," said Connie, appearing on Eren's other side. "I'm really sorry I couldn't make the funeral."

"It's not a big deal," Eren tried to assure them. "It was really fucking awkward, mostly. I wish I could have skipped it." Marlowe's eyes widened while Connie opened his mouth, then closed it again. However, at that moment Armin joined them, abruptly ending his conversation with Mina and Hannah.

"Have you heard from Ymir or Historia?" he asked.

"They're both coming from work, but we still have a few minutes," Jean called over the crowd, his arms crossed and eyes narrowed.

"Are we waiting for anyone else?"

"Thomas, right?"

"Oh yeah!"

Eren stepped back a little so he was safely out of the firing line and checked his phone. There was still nothing from Levi, and as the noise swirled around him, he ached for him as he'd never ached for anything before.

"All right, everybody, thank you for coming!" the bartender called, and all the little conversations stopped at once. "We're gonna go ahead and start the movie now, so library voices, please!" She dimmed all the lights so the TV screen behind the bar glowed all the brighter. Hange and Erwin both leaned forward eagerly while Levi shifted into a more comfortable position, pleasantly relaxed from the kava and conversation.

Maybe it really had been too long since he'd gone out with friends. Since getting caught up with Eren he'd had little space in his mind and heart and body for much else. He tried to assuage his guilt by reminding himself that it was normal to get a little distracted: it was all new and felt ridiculously good. As the opening credits began to roll, Levi wondered if Eren had also been neglecting the friends he'd been telling him about. If Armin and Historia were probing him for details or if Jean was still talking shit. If he'd managed to alleviate Mikasa's worry.

"Levi?" asked Erwin, under his breath, but Levi just shook his head and focused on the movie.

Hmm... I predict some drama by the end of the night.

What do you guys think? Let me know, I'll be at the beach all day.

Leave me reviews and I'll dedicate my heart to you!