Happy Thursday!

I hope you're all staying cool! The weather here is insane, we keep fluctuating between disgusting blazing heat and gnarly ass thunderstorms. Today, in fact, we had both! I was doing laundry in between giving this chapter it's final edits and every time I'd leave for the laundromat the weather would be different. Still humid though. Always so fucking humid. I guess it helps set the vibe for working on this story, where the summer heat is fucking everyone's lives up.

Which of course brings us to this chapter! I'm also really excited about this one, I think the dynamics between everyone are thrown into some pretty... cruel relief, which I always love to see even though it's painful. Moments of clarity are so necessary and important, but fuck if they aren't painful. I'll be curious what you all think!

Also, after working on this chapter on Monday I was craving hot pot so bad I called some friends and made them come get some with me. We didn't go to the place I mention here (even though it's my favorite!) but we did hit up this awesome spot on Grand Street, then got some kava for a nightcap. It was a dope night even though it was a million degrees. As Sasha rightly pointed out, all you can eat hot pot knows no time of year!

Lastly, for the vibes! Listen to Heroin by The Velvet Underground. I feel like it's quite telling that two songs on this fic's OST are called heroin, don't you?

Okay, I'll be quiet, enjoy!

Eren started, sure his phone had gone off, but when he checked it there were no new messages. This had happened, like, three times since they'd been sat at their table, and each false alarm wore on his patience and nerves more. "Fuck," he muttered, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

"What happened?" asked Armin, discreetly from his left.

"Nothing," Eren muttered, irritably. He snatched up his chopsticks, picked up a bundle of noodles and dropped them into the pot of broth set into the table in front of him. It frothed and bubbled and steam rose up in a spicy cloud that stung his nose. "I just thought I got a text but I didn't."

Armin nodded, and carefully glanced up the table. Everyone else was occupied with their own pot of broth, their plates of meat, vegetables and noodles they'd gotten from the buffet behind them, their conversations or the flask they were passing around under the table. Sasha sat in the very center, across from Connie and in between Mikasa and Mina, surrounded by plates heaped with food. Her expression was flushed and blissful, and Hitch had been quick to point out that she looked like No-Face. Armin leaned in closer to Eren so Jean, sitting on his other side, wouldn't hear, and asked, discreetly,

"A text from the person you're seeing?" Eren nodded. Armin fished some spinach out of his broth and set it on his bowl of rice to cool. "Can you tell me about him?" Eren bit the inside of his lip. He'd known this would happen eventually, but it fucking sucked to have the question posed when he was missing Levi so badly. What could he tell Armin that wouldn't hurt? And even then there was so much to say, where would he even start? He watched Armin dip his chopsticks into a dish of sauce, then pick up spinach and rice.

"His name's Levi," said Eren, slowly, savoring his name in his mouth. "I met him because he works for the company my dad hired to clean out Zeke's apartment." Armin paused with the spinach and rice halfway to his mouth, then gave Eren his characteristic incredulous look. It softened Eren's frustration a little, and he grabbed some noodles, a bok choy bulb and a strip of beef from his own broth.

"Of all the things," said Armin, doing his utmost to keep his voice low. "It couldn't have been someone from school? Or a show? Or an app?"

"I hate apps," replied Eren, simply, swallowing his bite of food which had soaked up the broth deliciously. Armin finally ate his own bite, but before he could say more, Connie cried, from the center of the table,

"Everyone watch this!" Eren and Armin looked over to see him leaning forward, hands on either side of his pot of broth, and Sasha holding a boiled quail's egg in her chopsticks. "Go for it, Sasha!" She closed one eye and stuck her tongue between her teeth, then tossed the egg across the table. It landed right on target in Connie's mouth, and everyone broke into applause and cheers. Connie raised his arms in triumph and bit into the egg to prove the point, only to yell in pain as hot yolk burst into his mouth, scorching his tongue. The whole table, including Eren and Armin, laughed even harder while Connie swore and spluttered.

"I'm so sorry!" exclaimed Sasha, wiping away tears of laughter before thrusting her glass of water at him. He seized it and chugged it gratefully.

"I'm good!" he assured everyone, setting the glass back on the table and raising his other hand.

"What did you think was gonna happen?" asked Ymir, smugly, and Connie gave her the finger while Thomas and Marlowe signaled to their server for more water. Once Armin was satisfied that Connie was all right, he turned back to Eren.

"So he's older than us?" he asked, though he wasn't at all surprised. Eren nodded, picking more noodles out of his broth before they could get soggy. "Are you guys actually dating, or just…?" Eren swallowed the noodles with a shrug, but then actually considered the question as he pulled a slice of kabocha from his broth. He'd never really "dated" anyone before, at least not how Marlowe and Hitch dated or Ymir and Historia dated. Sometimes the people he'd hooked up with over extended periods would talk about their relationship "going somewhere," but where were they going? He barely knew where he was going, what kind of question even was that? Besides, as long as he kept getting fucked like he wanted, what did it matter? He thought suddenly of Merseult and Marie in The Stranger, how the only place they'd gone was him landing in prison and her having her reputation destroyed. What the fuck was the point?

"Just hooking up, I guess," he replied, though as he said it, he thought of everything else he and Levi did together. He wanted to get fucked senseless and smacked around, yeah, but he also wanted to talk to Levi over cups of tea, listen to his music and hear him complain about things and tell him off for leaving his clothes around. And, of course, falling asleep together was what he'd been missing the most this week… He bit into the kabocha, but suddenly he could barely taste it and his throat spasmed, making it nearly impossible to swallow. He clapped his hand to his mouth and closed his eyes, breathing hard through his nose into the cuts on the back of his hand.

"Eren, are you okay?" asked Armin in alarm. Eren shook his head, Armin's voice too loud despite him trying to be quiet. He tried and failed to swallow again.

"Eren, are you okay?" This time it was Historia and Armin together. Eren dropped his chopsticks with a clatter and groped blindly with his free hand, finally grabbing onto Armin's forearm. Armin placed his hand on top of Eren's, wincing at the raw cuts against his palm. "Eren," he repeated, more urgently, and Eren was at last able to swallow his food. He blinked his streaming eyes open, but the overhead lights were painful and the walls were closing in. "Do you need a second? let's go-" but Eren was already on his feet and walking away from the table as fast as he could, taking his phone out of his pocket.

Armin stared after him with wide, fearful eyes, painfully aware of Eren's distress in his own body. He looked to Historia, who looked as lost as he was, but then immediately turned to keep Mikasa occupied before she could notice Eren's disappearance.

"What the fuck was that about?" asked Jean from Armin's other side.

"I have no idea," said Armin. "I think I just asked the wrong-" but he broke off, a hard lump rising in his throat. He glanced up the table, and was relieved to see Mikasa still absorbed in conversation with Sasha, Historia, Mina and Hannah. However, his relief gave way shockingly to resentment and frustration, bubbling in his stomach like the pot of broth before him. He cleared his throat, but the uncomfortable feelings only expanded. He turned back to Jean, who was looking both worried and angry as he always did in situations like this, and the resentment burned painfully. "It doesn't matter," said Armin, when he was finally able to clear his throat. "Let him go calm down." Jean's eyes widened.

"I've- yeah," he said, cautiously gratified. "Yeah."

Eren made his way around the edge of the buffet and down the long hallway that led to the bathrooms. It was quieter here, and dimmer, and the narrowed walls gave the comforting impression of forward momentum. He leaned against the cool tile wall with his phone pressed to his ear. The dial tone rang over and over again until, "You've reached Levi, I-" Eren closed his eyes in relief. Levi's voice was scratchy and muffled and just a recording but still it was Levi's voice.

The voicemail tone beeped, but Eren just ended the call and stared down at his phone. His acute discomfort was soothed, though his deep, consuming need for Levi still burned in every nerve of his body. He called again, but still no answer.

A young woman passed him as he listened to Levi's voicemail again, dragging her son by the hand. Remembering suddenly that he wasn't alone, Eren looked down the hallway towards the dining room where all his friends were. Would Armin and Mikasa come looking for him like they had done at Marco's birthday? He hoped they wouldn't. If only he'd grabbed his keys, he could just leave out the back stairs, drive far away and maybe find Levi so they could escape together…

He closed his eyes and shoved his knuckles into his mouth, frustration welling up inside him, but then his phone actually rang. Biting down harder on his knuckles, he checked to see who was calling, then cried out at Levi's name. "Hello?" he gasped, answering at once.

"What happened? Why'd you call me?" Eren closed his eyes and swayed where he stood, the relief like a headrush that flowed out through his entire body. "Eren?"

"Huh? Sorry," he sighed, steadying himself against the wall, his eyes still shut tight. "Nothing happened, I just wanted to hear your voice."

"How sweet," said Levi, after a brief pause. Eren let out a strangled laugh that seared his throat, then coughed and continued.

"Where are you?"

"At a bar for a movie screening, like I've been telling you," replied Levi, his impatience comforting and familiar. Eren opened his eyes at last.

"Oh yeah…"

"Oh yeah…" echoed Levi. Eren bit his knuckle around a small laugh, and Levi's tone softened as he asked, "What are you doing tonight?"

"I'm out for my friend Sasha's birthday, but I stepped out for a second."

"Oh?"

"Mmhmm."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah! Yeah I'm fine." A pause.

"Well, you've heard my voice, so I should get back, and your friends are probably wondering where you've gone."

"No one's come out to find me yet," replied Eren, testily, his knuckles still in his mouth.

"Oh no, my attention seeking behavior isn't producing the effect I want…" Eren bit back another laugh, but blushed.

"It's not like that," he shot back. "It just got too much for a second." Surprised by his own clarity, Eren's blush deepened and his eyes widened. It was weirdly relieving to say it out loud. "Too much."

"I see," said Levi, slowly, after a moment. "Are you okay now?" Eren's lip twitched at Levi's interest.

"I think so. Now I've talked to you."

"Uh huh."

"I'm serious! I still wanna see you, though. I have my car, I could come get you."

"What the fuck? No, you're coming over tomorrow, calm down."

"I know, but-"

"Don't whine," warned Levi, and Eren wrapped his arm around himself. "Brat."

"Okay now you're just trying to work me up, the fuck…" Levi replied with a disgusted noise that made Eren laugh softly again.

"Go back to your friends," said Levi, firmly, "I'll talk to you later." Eren didn't bother to hide his moan of disappointment. "Go," said Levi. Eren knew there was no point in arguing.

"Fine." He did feel a little better, even though his chest still ached. "I'll text you."

"I know." Eren's lip twitched.

"Bye, Levi."

He ended the call and leaned back against the wall again. His breath and heartbeat had slowed, and though his body still burned and begged for Levi and he'd still much rather get back in his car and drive away, he returned to the dining room and his friends with something like reassurance.

Outside the kava bar, Levi ended the call and stared down at his phone, then up at the blue and purple sky, his hand falling by his side as a soft breeze blew up around him, stirring the hot, fetid air. His heart, which had swelled in his chest to hear Eren's voice, was now beating uncomfortably in his throat. He'd heard Eren desperate before, obviously, but that was something else, and trying to make sense of it made his stomach lurch.

The door to the bar opened and two people exited, laughing and lighting cigarettes. As quietly as possible, Levi slipped back inside and resumed his seat beside Hange.

"Is everything okay?" they asked under their breath.

"Yeah," replied Levi, waving his hand unconcernedly and fixing his eyes once more upon the screen.

"Where did you go?" asked Mikasa, her eyes widening as Eren took his seat again.

"Nowhere," he replied, without looking at her.

"To call whoever gave him those bruises, probably," said Ymir in a stage whisper, grinning. Everyone laughed, except Historia, who gave her a furious look, Mikasa, who glared at him in demanding silence and Armin, whose resentment was simmering even faster. The words made Eren's need for Levi itch and throb and burn worse than ever and he stared challengingly back at Ymir and pulled his collar away from his neck. "Yeah, you wanna see more?"

"Dude, chill out," said Jean, no longer laughing as he looked between Eren, Mikasa and Armin.

"Ew, this is why no one wants to invite you places," replied Ymir, her lip curling.

"Fuck you," snapped Eren, because he really didn't care what anyone had to say about his bruises, his choices, or anything. Ymir opened her mouth to answer back, but,

"Ymir, don't," said Historia, so firmly that she actually didn't, and a moment of very awkward silence fell upon the table.

"Okay but actually, put your masochism away, there's kids around," said Jean, raising his voice a little with another anxious glance at Mikasa.

"At least I'm getting some," Eren reminded him, nastily, and Jean abandoned diplomacy immediately.

"Fuck some, I don't want any of that," he snarled. "When you kill yourself with erotic asphyxiation I'll present your Darwin Award, you suicidal fuck!"

"All right!" cried Armin, resentment spurting through a weak spot in his throat and taking everyone by surprise, including himself. Eren and Jean stopped arguing at once and looked at him sitting between them, then at each other. Armin flushed, but pressed on, doing his utmost to lower his voice. "You guys are doing my head in and it's Sasha's birthday, come on." He nodded up the table at her, though she was slumped back in her seat with her eyes half closed, too full of hot pot and alcohol to do more than flash them a smile and a peace sign. Another moment of very tense silence passed.

"You're right, sorry," said Jean.

"I'm saying, just fuck and get it out of your systems," said Ymir, and everyone laughed, glossing over the whole exchange and going back to their food and conversations.

Eren didn't eat anything else the rest of the night and spoke only when spoken to. His broth evaporated and the meat and vegetables and noodles dessicated while he chewed on his knuckles and reread old messages from Levi under the table.

Armin watched him discreetly, Jean's words playing and replaying in his head while frustration boiled inside him. They'd all joked about Eren not valuing his physical safety as long as they'd known him, it was impossible not to, but after him freaking out at Marco's birthday, the beach trip in the middle of the night, his meltdown at Zeke's funeral and now this… Whatever this was, it wasn't funny anymore. Armin swirled his chopsticks around in his own evaporating broth, though he no longer felt hungry. His phone went off in his pocket, startling him out of his thoughts. He checked it under the table, and furrowed his brow at Jean's name.

Hey are you coming out for dessert with us after this?

We'd also planned on going to that bar on Union that doesn't card

No one had told Armin about these plans. He understood completely why, but it still hurt.

I'm not sure

Well you should

Armin faced Jean, and the real question hung in the air between them like a spector. "Are you gonna go with Eren and Mikasa or us?" Armin hated this question every time he was confronted with it, but now the spector seemed to solidify and lay upon him like a cloak of ill-usage. He flushed and looked away from Jean. Eren was his best and oldest friend, and they'd stuck together through everything, but, 'Where has sticking by you gotten me?' he asked himself. His conscience hurt him to think it, but at the same time it was weirdly freeing to allow himself to go there. He and his friends had always asked what good came of Mikasa tailing Eren all the time, but was he any better? Did his behavior make any more sense? If they eventually gave up on Mikasa, would he be next? Cold fear flooded Armin's chest and another hard lump rose in his throat, but he tried to master himself, to focus and plan and figure out the way he always did. Even though the very thought was terrifying, he could talk to Eren about his behavior, right? He should voice his concerns, right? If they really were that good friends, they'd be able to have conversations like that, right?

"Armin," said Eren, suddenly, from around his knuckles.

"Stop chewing on your hand," sighed Armin, wearily.

"Oh," said Eren, going red as he dropped his hand into his lap.

"What is it?"

"Do you want a ride home after this?"

Armin's jaw clenched and he felt Jean stiffen beside him. He could say, "No, I'll just take the train," stay out with everyone else and not worry for once. Or at least try to. He looked over at Mikasa, who had been far less engaged with everyone since Eren had come back from his phone call. She didn't make eye contact with Armin, but kept staring at Eren with the same anxiety and pain she always did, and he hated to see it. "I…" he started to say, "I, yeah." He cleared his throat. "Yeah, that'd be great, thanks."

On his other side, Jean sighed heavily and looked down into his lap.

"I'll close out when you have a moment," Erwin told the bartender. The movie had been over for a half hour or so, and he, Levi and Hange were gloriously rooted on kava.

"I got you," she replied. Erwin extracted his wallet from his pocket and handed her the ostentatiously heavy company card, which she took across the room.

"Ooh, expensing it?" asked Hange, grinning.

"Always," replied Erwin, returning their smile.

"Shady fuck," said Levi, affectionately.

"Never change," added Hange, patting his arm.

"That's very sweet," he told them, and all three of them shared a laugh. "What are you two up to the rest of the night?"

"I have to go home and grade assignments," Hange moaned, slumping forward onto the bar.

"Was this all just a shitty ploy for you to procrastinate?" asked Levi.

"I mean, not entirely…" Levi grabbed the back of their head and pressed their face into the bar. "Mm!"

"What about you, Levi?" asked Erwin.

"Going home to read more needy texts, I think." Erwin and Hange both looked at him curiously, or at least Erwin did, Hange's face was still too smooshed into the bar for them to do more than blink.

"Well you don't have to answer them," said Erwin, a slight crease appearing between his eyebrows.

"I know," said Levi, impatiently, easing the pressure on Hange's head so he could scratch their hair like a cat. The bartender reappeared with his card and the bar's iPad, and Erwin signed the screen and handed her a hefty cash tip. The three of them thanked her and told her good night, then gathered their things and left the bar, waving goodbye to people they knew in the pressing crowd.

1st Street was completely dark now, hot and sticky and crowded with drunk people and scurrying rats. Levi made a disgusted noise, but the effects of the kava were still heavy, and he focused on the orange glow of the street lights instead, which seemed to pulse gently and shine extra brightly.

"Did you drive here?" asked Hange, looking up and down the street for the van.

"No, I took the train, I'm sorry," he replied, but Hange waved their hand unconcernedly.

"It's okay! Are you taking the F?" Erwin glanced at Levi out of the corner of his eye.

"I need to walk off some of this kava before I head home."

"Mm, fair enough," agreed Hange, though they were smirking.

"We'll walk you to the train," said Erwin, and Levi added,

"Yeah the whole ten feet." They shared another laugh and headed East to the end of the block, then turned right onto Houston St.

"I'll see you soon," said Hange.

"Yeah."

"Get home safely."

Hange brofisted Erwin and Levi with a smile and descended the grimy stairs into the train station, extracting their headphones from their bag. Levi gave Erwin an inquiring look.

"I'll walk you to Delancey," he said.

"That's really out of your way." Erwin shrugged.

"Like I said, I need to walk off some of this kava." Levi rolled his eyes again.

"If you feel you must."

They crossed Houston Street side by side, passing a concert venue with a long line of excited, chattering people outside it. However, no one wished head lice upon any of their friends. Levi's mouth twitched.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing, just thinking about the head lice comment."

"That was fucked up," laughed Erwin. "I wish I'd heard it."

"I know."

"You know me well."

"Tch…"

"You disagree?"

"No," said Levi, though he didn't necessarily agree either. He looked at Erwin's profile, outlined fuzzily by all the lights around them, white, orange and red. "Remember that trip we took upstate with Hange?"

"Which one?"

"The first one." Erwin smiled.

"Of course." They paused at a corner, waiting for traffic to let them through. "Why?"

"Eren said he wanted to go somewhere without light pollution." Erwin's smile softened.

"How is Eren?" The traffic cleared, and they started to cross the street.

'Isn't that a goddamn question,' thought Levi, but before he could answer, some idiot on a bike blew through the intersection against traffic so all the oncoming cars had to slam on their brakes to avoid a collision. Over the blaring of horns, people yelled,

"FUCK YOU!"

"GO BACK TO WILLIAMSBURG!"

Levi snorted and Erwin said, as though commenting on the weather, "Another fine example of why we'll never be out of work." Levi couldn't help but laugh and they crossed the street. "Anyway, how's Eren?"

"Well I haven't seen him in a week," Levi reminded him, grumpily, and though he'd meant it as a joke, he knew a guilty tug at his heart and anxious lurch in his stomach. "We're seeing each other tomorrow, it'll be fine." But would it? His stomach continued to squirm, and it must have shown on his face, because,

"You sound worried." Erwin's tone wasn't judgmental. The reply was just a request for information should Levi choose to give it. He hesitated, but then,

"When he called he sounded… I don't know, unhinged?" His eyes narrowed as he said it, but he saw Erwin nod invitingly at the edge of his vision. "He's always been sort of, edgy, you saw that when," but he broke off, and Erwin nodded again. "I thought it was just his brother's death and all the bullshit around that situation, but now I'm not sure."

"And it concerns you?" Levi nodded.

"I just didn't realize how much until we had some time apart. Does that make sense?"

"Of course. It's hard to see a situation clearly when you're in it," said Erwin, gently. Levi just nodded, though this only added to his worry. "Does it feel good when you're in it?" Erwin asked next, and Levi felt his neck grow hot.

"Obviously it does, otherwise I wouldn't keep doing it," he snapped, though he knew this wasn't the same question Hange had asked at the bar. Not at all. However, Erwin just continued in the same, gentle tone,

"Mm, and when you're out of it?" They turned and crossed the street to avoid the overflowing pile of garbage through which rats were scurrying. Levi immediately recalled all the intense sensations, the powerful pleasure and disgust, the depths to which Eren pulled him and how willing he was to get dragged out, indeed all that he brought out of him and then, in his clarity afterwards,

"My first thought is usually just 'what the fuck,'" he replied, bluntly.

"Good or bad 'what the fuck?'"

"Just generally. What the fuck else am I supposed to think after I choked someone so hard he got a nosebleed?"

"Depending on who it is that doesn't sound like a bad time," said Erwin, fairly. Levi just shook his head despairingly.

"I should have known you'd be into all that shit."

"You've known my clean cut, straight laced appearance is all just PR for years, Levi, come on." Levi replied with a noise of contempt, though he was of course right.

"You never wanted just… physical violence, though," Levi reminded him, quietly.

"You never asked me for it," replied Erwin, just as quietly.

"So if I'd asked you to slap me, you would have?" asked Levi, incredulously, his voice returning to normal before he realized what he was saying. However, Erwin just laughed.

"I mean, I'd rather be slapped, but…"

"Fuck off," sighed Levi, shaking his head, but Erwin just laughed again, low and affectionate. Neither of them spoke for a half a block. After narrowly avoiding getting clothes lined by a leash attached to a poorly trained dog and his oblivious owner, Levi spoke again, very quietly now. "I wouldn't have slapped you even if you'd asked me."

"No?" Levi shook his head. Erwin didn't press him, but Levi was pretty sure he knew what he was thinking. He usually did. Erwin had saved his life, stuck by him and taken care of him at his most vulnerable in a way that even his mother and Kenny had never been able to. At the same time, however, he'd also taken a lot of abuse from Levi, absorbed the grief and anger and pain he'd siphon off into him. Still, though, Levi had never come at him physically like that. He'd seen too much violence at that point in his life for it to feel good.

They arrived at Levi's building and faced each other, the headlights of cars flowing off the Williamsburg Bridge swirling like fireflies. "Thanks for walking me home," said Levi, gratitude seeping through the sarcasm.

"I just wanted more time with you, my motivation was entirely selfish." Levi smirked, and they clasped hands.

"Let me know when you get home."

"I will."

They exchanged one last small smile, then Erwin turned to get on the train. Levi watched his broad back disappear into the station, then opened his lobby door and headed back up to his cool, quiet apartment. He stepped out of his shoes and looked in on his plants, then poured himself a glass of water, his mind still on Erwin.

"I mean, I'd rather be slapped, but…"

"Asshole. You know I couldn't have, even if I'd wanted to," Levi told his plants. "And I did want to, sometimes." His face burned, and he drank more water, but he couldn't suppress the memories floating up from the depths of his mind.

One night, shortly after moving into Erwin's intimidatingly nice apartment, full of light and food and books, Levi was sitting on the couch alone. Erwin had responded to an emergency call in Queens, and even with the apartment's heavy locks and window guards and central air, Levi didn't like being left alone. He had a cup of tea and a paperback sci fi novel, but could barely taste anything and kept reading the same sentence over and over again. As the hours dragged by, his heartbeat, the only sound for what felt like miles, seemed to get louder in the empty apartment, and his vision swam terrifyingly before him. He shut the book and sprang to his feet, trying to calm down, because he hated that being alone was so awful, that he was so dependent on Erwin's presence to keep him calm and focused.

His stomach twisted sickeningly and he looked at the time on the old clock hanging between bookshelves. It was nearly 2 AM, why had he decided to stay up? Erwin had told him to just go to sleep, but he wasn't tired! Except that these days he always felt exhausted until he actually closed his eyes. As a kid he used to go into his mother's or Kenny's room when he couldn't sleep, and as a teenager he could just go home with someone because underwhelming sex was worth not having to sleep by himself. He knew it was pathetic, but he'd seen worse.

His throat burned and his eyes stung. Maybe if he'd been home instead of at Kenny's that night he could have intervened, if not pull the fucking syringe out of his mother's arm then at least call 911. Hating himself, Levi pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes, his face contorted with pain and the effort of holding back tears. He didn't want to feel this. He didn't want to feel anything at all ever again, and what was he doing by himself in this strange apartment where he so obviously didn't belong?!

Levi crossed the room in three strides, fully intending to leave even though he had no idea where to go. He just needed to be outside of these walls that trapped his feelings and forced them upon him. However, as he reached for the doorknob, there was a scraping of a key and a click of a lock, and Erwin opened the door. Levi withdrew his hand as though burned, staring up at Erwin with wide, fierce eyes. Erwin just looked back at him, his expression mild. "Where are you going, Levi?" he asked. Levi's throat burned too hot for an answer. He had no answer. He had no idea where he was going. Right now, or perhaps ever, and it didn't matter because he'd just end up dead and forgotten anyway. His vision blurred as his eyes filled with tears, obscuring Erwin, the one person who had offered him a way forward. He tried to tell him he didn't know, but his throat was too swollen to say anything. He blinked, and the tears slid down his face. "I'm so sorry," said Erwin, softly, and without thinking Levi threw his arms around his neck.

Levi gave a little shudder as the memories receded, though they were still clear in his mind and fresh in his body. He refilled his glass of water, carried it to his bedroom and set it on his bedside table.

Erwin had lifted Levi into his arms and carried him to his bedroom. They'd kissed fiercely, Erwin leaving bruises and bitemarks all over Levi's neck, chest and thighs while he'd jerked and sucked him dry and fingerfucked him senseless. As Levi had scratched his back raw in turn, he'd known glorious oblivion, no thoughts and feelings aside from pleasure until the sun rose outside the bedroom window. Erwin sat up against the headboard while Levi lay curled up beside him, wanting to get up and shower but feeling too heavy and satisfied to move.

"Are you all right?" Erwin asked, stroking his hair. Levi nodded. "Do you need anything?" Levi shrugged. Erwin slid down under the covers and pulled Levi back into his arms. Levi moaned a little; Erwin felt so good, so warm and solid and irrefutably there. "Whatever you need," Erwin whispered. They'd fallen asleep like that, then gone to work together a few hours later. It might have been awkward, except that Levi's mind and heart had felt clear and calm for the first time in recent memory.

Levi gave another shudder, then plugged in his phone. Hange and Erwin most likely still weren't home yet, but his heart skipped at texts from Eren.

finally leaving

thank fuck

Levi stared at the message for a long time, but didn't reply. Instead he undressed to go shower, shivering slightly again.

Oof... Levi's flashbacks always hurt my heart.

Like I know he's tough and I admire his resilience so much, but fuck if it doesn't hurt me to read and write about it.

Also I feel like I'm on the edge of something insane at the end of this chapter, what do you guys think?

Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!