Good morning, everybody! Happy Thursday!
I've got my morning coffee and I hope you do to (or maybe a drink, depending on your longitude!) because we'll all need our strength for this one. I absolutely love this chapter, but it is A LOT, definitely one of my favorites in the whole story but fuck if it's not intense. I love this shit though, the first big climactic explosion lighting up the sky and throwing everything into relief. Eren's freaking out, Armin's freaking out and even Mikasa's freaking out. Oh, Mikasa...
Yeah, in fact let's talk about Mikasa for a second, because I've been thinking about her a lot recently. I'M GONNA GET SPICY, FRIENDS, but everything I'm about to say is just my opinion, if you disagree that is absolutely fine! I'm not trying to argue. Let it be known: MIKASA DESERVES BETTER. I loved her in season 1, but then the writers just... stopped giving her stuff to do? Besides chase Eren's stupid ass and yell his name. It's incredibly unfair and, in my opinion, bad writing. Remember in season 1 how it looked like we were gonna explore her attachment to him? Remember how she wouldn't put up with his bullshit? Remember how she and Sasha had this rapport and it was really sweet? Remember how she'd crack jokes? BECAUSE I REMEMBER. I remember and I think it's shameful the way she was treated the rest of the show. Mikasa deserves better and always will and I stand by that.
Now, it might not seem like it, but in this story I tried to give her as sympathetic a portrayal as possible, and I hope I succeeded, because given Eren's narration it was incredibly fucking difficult. Even Armin's narration, like, he's also fucking over it. When I was writing the first draft I thought about including her narration, but it wouldn't have worked, so... here we are. (Side note, how cool would it be to write a story entirely from her perspective? Just saying.) Anyway, I was editing this chapter on Monday before work and all my feelings about Mikasa were simmering, but then Eren said one thing in particular and I just, flipped the fuck out. Like, texted Vega in a full on rage at how neglected she is and how I feel guilty because I can't do anything about it here and the injustice of the situation.
Then I had to go to work and act like a person. Blegh.
Okay, rant over, I just had to put that out there, but what do you guys think? I hope you still like this chapter, I'm really happy with it regardless.
FOR THE VIBES! Listen to Shadow Autonomous by ERRA. I fucking love this song, it's probably my favorite in ERRA's discography (I'm seeing them live again in a few weeks, if I suddenly don't update it's because I've ascended to a higher place after hearing them play it at their show) but also JT screaming "SPITTING OUT THE BLOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH, THE PAIN STINGS BUT IT BRINGS RELIEF THAT I CAN STILL FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL" is without question the most EREN thing I've ever heard in my entire life and I absolutely love it.
Okay, I think that's it. Strap in, everybody!
Despite the sun having set, it was still blisteringly hot outside. Eren stood at the entrance to the parking garage, spinning his keys agitatedly while his friends took their sweet time saying goodbye under a flickering street light. Drunk and full of food, Sasha kept hugging Mikasa despite her nervous glances at Eren over her shoulder. Close by, Armin was watching Eren out of the corner of his eye while he said his final goodbyes to Jean and Historia.
"Are you sure you don't wanna stay?" Jean asked, discreetly, as they clasped hands. Armin shot him a warning look. "I'm just-"
"I know you are," he interrupted, flushing. The official story was that while he'd be driving home with Eren and Mikasa, everyone else would be taking the train. Armin wasn't sure if either of them actually believed it.
"Please just text us later?" said Historia.
"I will, don't worry," replied Armin, though it was clear from her expression she would worry. Again, he felt the cloak of ill-usage weighing heavy on his shoulders, but he tried to stand strong regardless. "Have a good rest of your night, okay?" Jean and Historia nodded in a defeated sort of way, and after one final round of hugs, Armin and Mikasa approached Eren, who immediately turned on his heel and headed into the garage. As their friends all went off in the opposite direction, talking and laughing, Armin knew the heart wrenching sensation of being pulled in half. A few threads of his already frayed nerves snapped, but he just shook his head and fell into step beside Mikasa, whose face was set into her usual melancholic detachment. Or was it? Was that just the flickering street light or did her eyes flash? Armin knew a rush of sympathy for her, the other person caught between their friends and Eren. He placed his hand on her shoulder and felt her start, but she didn't look at him. "Hey, are you all right?" he asked in a low voice.
"I know everyone else is going to a bar," she replied, just as quietly. "You could have gone with them, if you'd wanted." Armin took his hand away and stared at the back of her head, his nerves fraying a few strands more.
"So you've got this?" he asked, his voice sharpened by his sense of ill usage. Mikasa turned, and Armin's heart stopped in his chest, but she looked more confused than anything.
"I don't want Eren going off by himself, he-"
"Hurry up and get in!" Eren called from up ahead, making a show of unlocking Grisha's car.
"What's wrong?" asked Mikasa, hurrying forward at once.
"Nothing? You're just being slow."
"Eren, come on," said Armin, wearily. They locked eyes across the parking garage, and though Armin's insides froze at Eren's expression, he immediately squared his shoulders. Eren raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Mikasa looked back and forth between them, and after a moment, Armin just cleared his throat. "Maybe you're being fast?" he offered, trying to play it off. Eren's expression was still alarming, but all he said was,
"Yeah."
They got into the car, Mikasa riding shotgun with Armin behind her as always. Eren started the engine and hooked up his music, taking comfort in the guitars and screaming as he plugged Armin's address into the GPS. He backed out of the parking space so aggressively he almost smashed into the car behind them, swore, turned abruptly and sped out of the garage with a screech of tires, sending both Mikasa and Armin swerving into their doors.
Armin sighed heavily, wondering how anyone could have thought seatbelts were a mistake. No one spoke, but the throbbing music would pause periodically so the GPS could guide them back to the highway. They lurched onto the Grand Central Parkway and drove smoothly if not fifteen miles over the speed limit for a while, then, "Would you please turn the music down?" Eren and Armin started and looked at Mikasa. Her expression was strange, full of a tight focus that neither Eren nor Armin could place but that they both knew immediately they didn't like.
"What?" Eren asked, aggressively, though he turned down the volume.
"Why didn't you tell me you were seeing someone?" asked Mikasa, and it definitely wasn't the street lights making her eyes flash. Armin took a sharp breath in as icy panic gripped his insides.
"You didn't ask," snapped Eren, his guard going up like a guillotine in reverse.
"I asked you on the drive over here," said Mikasa, sounding more hurt than outright angry. "Even though I knew already." Eren's hands tightened on the steering wheel.
"So then what does it matter?"
"I want to know who you're around," replied Mikasa, her voice rising as much as it ever did. "Especially when you come home looking like you've been beaten up-"
"You aren't used to that?!" snapped Eren, blood pounding in his ears. "Are you jealous or something?"
"Eren!" cried Armin, sharply, and both Mikasa and Eren glared at him in the rearview mirror. Despite his frayed nerves and resentment, he tried for diplomacy. "She's right to worry when you've kept us in the dark!"
"Kept us in the dark?!" Mikasa shot back, actually turning around in her seat to glare at Armin. "He's obviously told you more than he's told me since you're always covering for him! How long have the two of you been lying to me this time?!"
"In a quarter mile, take exit 13 C-" trilled the GPS, though the rest was drowned by Eren's burst of maniacal, frustrated laughter. Armin felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, but it was the injustice of Mikasa's accusation that snapped the last of his nerves. Before he realized what was happening, the anger that had been simmering all night, for months, years, was pouring out of his mouth in a corrosive stream.
"Are you seriously mad at me?! I've always tried to do what's right for both of you!"
"You what?!" demanded Mikasa, incredulously.
"I did!" shouted Armin, clutching his chest and staring her hard in the face. "I hated lying to you, but you don't see! Eren's been dragging you down for years and you let him! Like what do you want me to tell you?!" He'd never erupted like this on anyone before, much less his oldest friends, and it wasn't relieving or cathartic. The caustic words just left chemical burns in his chest, throat and mouth. Mikasa threw Armin a disgusted look, turned and grabbed Eren's arm.
"Eren!"
"Stop!" he cried, gripping the steering wheel so hard the cuts and scars on his knuckles shone grotesquely in the street lights flying past them overhead. He shook Mikasa off, but then clutched his chest as he felt it tighten suddenly and sharply.
"You aren't protecting him, Mikasa, I'm so sorry-" Armin's voice broke and he did his utmost not to burst into tears. Mikasa just ignored him and reached for Eren's arm again with a moan. Eren tried to fight her off, to yell at her to get away, but the words wouldn't come, his lungs were too tight and his head spun sickeningly. He shut his eyes tight and fell forward against the steering wheel, unable to breathe.
"EREN!" Mikasa screamed as the car began to swerve.
"Pull over, NOW!" shouted Armin, but he didn't wait to see if Eren heard him. He lunged forward, only to get caught by his seatbelt. He unbuckled it as fast as his shaking hands would allow, dove into the front seat and jammed the hazard lights button.
"EREN!" screamed Mikasa again. Armin grabbed the steering wheel, and the car veered across two lanes of traffic. Horns blared and lights flashed and brakes screeched, but they made it safely to the shoulder without crashing. Armin seized the gearshift and put the car in park while Eren fell back against the driver's seat, and though he was shaking violently and he was in more pain than he'd ever been in his life and he felt like he was about to throw up, he could at least breathe. In the passenger's seat, Mikasa was wide eyed, stiff as a corpse and just as pale.
"Are you guys okay?" Armin asked, suppressing a gag as cars whizzed past them on their left. Eren moaned and shook his head, but Mikasa said nothing. "Mikasa?" asked Armin over another gag, placing his hand on her shoulder and shaking her gently. With a soft gasp, she seemed to come back to life, and immediately reached for Eren again.
"Eren, are you-"
"STOP!" he yelled, recoiling violently and unbuckling his seatbelt.
"Wait!" But he was already out the door. Buffeted by the traffic's slipstream, he stumbled around to the back of the car, broken glass and gravel crunching under his feet. He leaned forward, hands on his bent knees and gasped for breath. Mikasa and Armin hastened to follow. "Eren!"
"STAY AWAY!" he screamed, the pain so intense he thought he might die from it.
"I'm trying to help you!" Mikasa sobbed, clutching her chest and moving towards him. "That's all I'm ever trying to do, don't you understand?!"
"NO!" Now Eren was crying too. "I never- just leave me alone, please!"
"But I-"
"That's enough!" shouted Armin, wiping his eyes impatiently before thrusting his hand between them. "Eren, shut up! Mikasa, please just give him a second!"
"I WON'T!" she exploded, the force in her voice as shocking to the system as any near accident. "You always do this! Don't you dare talk to me like you know Eren better than me!"
"What?!" cried Armin, furious and disgusted that that of all things was the problem. "No, that's not-"
"YES IT IS!" Mikasa cut across him, hysterically. "You have no idea what Eren did for me after my parents died, how much he was there for me and how close we got! How close we still are!" More of Eren's maniacal, incredulous laughter cut through the argument like a blast of icy wind.
"Close?! We've never been close!" He was crying without restraint now, angry tears splashing down his face as he pointed at Mikasa. "You just get in my way! I don't need you, I've NEVER needed you!" Armin seized Eren's wrist and shoved it into his chest.
"Do not raise your hand to Mikasa, what is wrong with you?!" Armin shouted, his palm sweating around Eren's burning wrist. The contact seemed to shock Eren back to Earth, and he gasped as though emerging from deep water and shuddered violently, the pain spiking so hard he thought again he might throw up, but no, only more tears. Armin felt Eren's pain up his own arm into his chest and let go of him as though shocked, suppressing yet another gag with the back of his hand. As he stared into his friend's face, glowing in the flashing hazard lights like some awful travesty of a campfire, his pounding heart shattered, and with every beat, all the jagged edges pressed into the insides of his chest, snagging at his lungs and ribs and stomach.
Eren looked dead ahead and cried without restraint. He felt like he was in space, in the middle of a nebula of headlights and the glittering Manhattan skyline while the vast emptiness of the surrounding black, sticky night seemed to swallow his cries. Despite having the two people he'd known the longest by his side, he felt more alone than he'd ever felt before. If only he could just stay out here, or jump over the guardrail into the void below, give himself over to the nothingness.
Mikasa stood with her arms around herself, crying and shuddering and staring at Eren, just like all those nights when she'd crawled into his bed a million years ago.
For who knew how long, the only sounds were passing cars and their crying, until Armin's voice reached Eren from far away. "We should go before cops show up or something."
"Huh?" Eren asked, thickly.
"We should go," Armin said, as firmly as he could. "Someone might have called the cops earlier." Eren shuddered, but nodded. "Are you okay to drive?" Armin asked next, unable to not sound accusatory.
"I'm fine."
"Are you okay, Mikasa?" She was still staring fixedly, pleadingly, at Eren, though after he wouldn't meet her burning, invasive gaze,
"Fine."
All three of them got back into the car, and no one spoke until they pulled up outside Armin's building twenty minutes later. His stomach squirmed anxiously. He wanted to be away from the situation, but he was terrified for his friends. He knew logically the same thing he'd wanted to tell Mikasa for years, that him being there wouldn't ensure they got home safely, but after what had just happened… He blinked, and tears slid down his face. Something was very, very wrong, and though he knew he couldn't do anything right this second, that the best thing would be to try and get some sleep and call Eren once they'd all calmed down, he still felt like a coward walking away. He wiped his eyes, thinking how absurd it was that a few hours ago he'd been in a good mood, on his way to his friend's birthday party. "Mikasa?" he asked, tentatively, but she said nothing, and he hated himself. "I'll see you both soon," he said, his gaze dropping. "Text me when you get in safely."
"Yeah," said Eren, thickly, and Armin got out of the car. He'd barely shut the door when Eren sped away on yet another screech of tires. Armin's eyes filled with more tears, but he just wiped them away and went back upstairs, feeling that everything he'd done up until this point had been for nothing.
Eren and Mikasa remained silent until they turned onto their block and pulled into a parking spot on the corner. Eren got out of the car, slammed the door and shoved his knuckles in his mouth. He bit down, hard, and tasted blood and tears with relief. He walked ahead of Mikasa towards the townhouse, hoping against hope she'd leave him be, but, "Eren, wait!"
"What?!" He turned, still chewing on his knuckle. She stood still, her tears sparkling in the street lights filtering through the trees.
"Why do you always run away?" she asked in a broken voice that did nothing to soften him. He spat out the blood he'd sucked from his hand onto the sidewalk.
"IT'S WHAT I WANT!" he yelled, so loudly that people walking their dogs on the opposite side of the street paused to look over. "You! You're always in my fucking face! Ever since you came here, and I'm done! I hate it and I hate you, so just leave me the fuck alone, PLEASE!" Eren's chest heaved and every breath was sharp. He was sure Mikasa would respond, plead or cry or something like she always did. Sure enough, she wrapped her arms around herself and walked slowly towards him. Eren tensed as though preparing for a fight, but she just passed without a word, without even looking at him. In silence she continued all the way to the townhouse, unlocked the door with her own key and slammed it shut behind her.
Eren shoved his knuckles back in his mouth and closed his eyes, biting and sucking and chewing on the already torn skin. For a moment, the pain in the rest of his body was eclipsed by that in his hand, and he was able to take deep breaths in, come down and relax just enough. He opened his eyes and stared around the dark, shadowy street, and once again knew that sense of being more alone than he'd ever been in his life. He looked towards the townhouse where his family was, and his stomach clenched nauseatingly. He didn't want to go inside. He really didn't want to go inside. Nothing good would come of him going inside. However, where else was there? Where could he go? What could he do?
All of a sudden his phone went off in his pocket, momentarily distracting him. He was sure it would be Mikasa or his parents, but he cried out at Levi's name.
You home safe kid?
Eren laughed out loud, a desperate, hysterical sound, spat out more blood and called Levi.
In bed with a book and up until that moment pleasantly sleepy, Levi answered the call. "What do you want, Eren?"
Eren laughed again and swayed where he stood, dizzy with relief. He braced against the nearest tree, blood trickling down the back of his hand and onto his wrist. "Eren? You all right?"
"What?" How the fuck had he forgotten he could call Levi?! "Yeah! Yeah, sorry, just, tonight was really fucked up and I just got home but-"
"Oi, easy," said Levi, soothingly, though he sat up straighter in bed, alarmed by Eren's tone. "Easy…" Eren closed his eyes and let Levi's calm voice reach through his ears, quiet his mind and still his heart and guts. "What happened? You aren't hurt, are you?"
"No," Eren assured him. "No, I just, um, Armin and Mikasa got into a fight, and then–" A hard lump rose in his throat, but he swallowed it, doing his utmost not to start crying again.
"Oh shit…" Eren laughed again, that creepy, hysterical laugh that gave Levi goosebumps. "And that's funny?"
"No! I mean, maybe, I don't…" Eren's hand was shaking around his phone. "Can I come over?"
"Huh?" Levi asked, incredulously, actually getting out of bed to pace up and down his room. "No, it's late and you're already coming over tomorrow."
"Yeah, but it's not too late!" Yes, this was perfect! He could get fucked senseless and spend the night with Levi and feel better, then come back tomorrow when everyone would be out of the house!
Levi's incredulity turned quickly to frustration. "No," he said, firmly. "Go jerk off and go to sleep, you'll be fine until tomorrow."
"But," Eren started to whine.
"But nothing. A few hours won't kill you." Eren took a deep breath in, clearly more than ready to dispute this, and Levi added, "I'm tired and you sound like shit." He turned and paced back towards his bed. "Tell me what happened tomorrow, all right?"
Eren said nothing. Even in Levi's soothing voice, the rejection sucked, and the fact that it would be hours and hours before he'd get any relief sucked even more. He wanted to argue, but he also didn't want to piss Levi off. "Eren?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he said, defeatedly, another hard lump rising in his throat as he realized he could barely remember the details of the argument or the near accident already.
"Good," said Levi, pausing in his pacing to wrap his phone free arm around himself. "Go get some sleep now."
"I probably won't be able to sleep," Eren said in a constricted voice. He'd be able to sleep if he were in bed with Levi. Wrapped around him, his mind would be calm. Under his clean sheets the pain would stop. Levi heaved a heavy sigh.
"That's concerning."
"Yeah," agreed Eren, nodding vigorously. "So you should let me come over!"
"So you can keep me awake too?"
"Yeah!"
"Eren you're so," but Levi broke off, closed his eyes and shook his head. He had no idea what he'd wanted to say, or even if it was something he could articulate with words. All he knew in this moment was Eren's pain and his own frustration, but also a new, weird sense of helplessness at the entire situation. He pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes. "Just come over tomorrow, all right?"
Eren swore under his breath, and a few tears slid down his cheeks. Levi could hear how hard he was breathing through the phone. "I don't wanna go home," he whimpered, softly.
"Jesus Christ," muttered Levi, remembering saying the same thing to Kenny, to Erwin, to any number of people throughout his life, and for one insane second he almost gave in. "Look, I understand," he said, betraying his frustration even though he meant it with all his heart. "But trust me, staying away tonight will make everything worse." Eren sniffed and bit his knuckle, licking at the raw skin he'd broken open. "You don't owe anyone shit. If they ask you about what happened just say you'll talk about it tomorrow." Eren sniffed, but said, grudgingly,
"Fine, okay, I get it."
"Good. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Good night."
"Good night, you little punk." Levi heard Eren's small, sad laugh as he ended the call. "What the fuck," he said, staring at his phone for a long moment before setting it on the bedside table and climbing back into bed. He picked up his book again, though he couldn't really concentrate; Eren's little moan of "I don't wanna go home" replayed endlessly inside his head. "Sick," Levi muttered, sadly.
Eren stared at his phone for almost a full minute before proceeding slowly towards the townhouse. He felt a little calmer for having spoken to Levi, and repeated his words to himself, trying to recall his exact tone. However, it wasn't the same, and his pain, that deep, burning longing, was more intense than ever.
From the bottom of my heart, holy shit.
Are you guys okay? What do you think? Where do we go from here? Ugh so many questions. I'm gonna go make more coffee and snuggle with my cat for a while.
Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!