Good morning, everybody! I've actually been up for mad hours already to see an early client, it feels like lunch time, but yeah, Happy Thursday!

I hope you all had good weeks and weekends. My Friday was pretty lit because HourHouse released their EP, finally, and it's fucking incredible. Seriously, all of you go listen to them so they'll tour. I'm also going to see a show on Saturday, Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever. I've had the tickets since January and I never thought they'd tour the US so I am EXCITED. But of course you know what else I'm excited about? This chapter.

Editing this chapter ended up being quite an enterprise, like, it took me a lot of readthroughs before I figured out what exactly I wanted to say and what the point of it all was. What you'll read is totally different from the original conceptualization, and I'm still not entirely sure I'm saying what I wanted to say, but tbh I'm probably overthinking it. However, one thing I really love is that half of it is Armin's narration, and you all know I love Armin's narration.

I don't think I've ever said this on here, but Armin is my favorite character in Attack On Titan and has been from very early on. I think he's wonderful (he's a Scorpio and I love Scorpios) so smart and curious and creative and secretly fucked up in the head, but I also identify a lot with the position Eren puts him in. Having to answer for someone's erratic and/or dangerous behavior is exhausting, and feeling responsible for holding people together creates so much resentment. When writing from his POV I was drawing a lot from my own experiences, particularly with someone I've always been close to who I had to stop speaking to a few years ago. I miss this person every day, and at first I was so sure that I'd made the right decision, but now with hindsight and distance and new information... I'm not sure. Of course, there's no good way to handle situations like that. I hate how quick the internet will tell you "CUT THEM OFF" or "GO NO CONTACT" like that's an easy decision. Sometimes it is, don't get me wrong, but it's also not a decision to make lightly.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on this tangent, but the subject's been heavy in my brain and heart for the last few weeks, and I expect it will continue to be. Ugh.

But yeah, to get back to the original point, I love Armin and I love his narration. Come through with the motherfucking sanity, king! You know word 50,000 of the original draft of this was Armin's name? How perfect is that?

...and my friend just texted me to say he's outside my house in his car ready to take us both to the beach. I really need to stop rambling so much!

All right, FOR THE VIBES! Listen to The Romance of Affliction by SeeYouSpaceCowboy. I saw them live at some shitty bar venue out on Long Island in the beginning of July and they absolutely shatter, hardcore pits are gnarly as fuck.

Enjoy!

Just as he'd predicted, Eren got no sleep that night. For hours he lay face down in bed, dizzy and sweaty and hurting, the only sounds the air conditioner, YouTube and, during any moment of relative silence, crying from down the hall. It was like an electric shock to Eren's guts every time, and he fucking hated it. If only he could slip into that half sleep state he'd sometimes achieve if he lay still long enough, that would be something, but whenever he'd get close he'd recall Mikasa and Armin's argument in the car, or the near accident, or his conversation with Levi, which would wake him up again. Wake him up and leave him confused and frustrated. None of it made any sense. Levi said they'd talk about it when they saw each other, but what was the point? Why bother when it wouldn't help? Eren knew what helped, and it sure as fuck wasn't talking.

At dawn, whichever YouTube video ended, and Eren lifted his head to put on another one. He didn't hear any crying this time, and knew a moment's relief. "Soon," he moaned out loud, starting another video. Soon he'd be with Levi. Soon this would all feel better. Soon. Soon? Soon…

Levi woke up as suddenly and completely as if someone had grabbed him and shaken him. He sat bolt upright, gasping, and ran his fingers through his hair. What the fuck had woken him? He was sure he hadn't been dreaming, and judging by the cool, fresh quality of the light filtering in through his curtains, it was way earlier than he needed to be up.

Levi took a moment to catch his breath, then reached for his phone. Sure enough, it was just after 6 AM. "Fuck me," he muttered. He closed his eyes and pressed the heel of his hand between them. Although he was wide awake now, he hadn't gone to sleep easily after talking to Eren. He opened his eyes again, then texted him.

You okay kid?

He hoped Eren would be asleep, but chat bubbles appeared immediately.

I wanna see you

You will

Did I wake you?

Or have you been up all night?

up all night

told you that'd happen

Levi's heart ached. He recalled the terrible insomnia he'd experienced when he'd first moved in with Erwin, how when he finally did sleep he'd be woken up by night terrors. It had been awful, but at least Erwin had been there. Eren had been by himself. Levi's stomach contracted guiltily while his heart pounded with that same helplessness he'd felt during their phone call.

but it's whatever

I wanna see you so bad

Levi sighed, dropped his phone onto the bed beside him and pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes. Telling Eren not to come over had felt like absolutely the right call last night. He'd sounded so unhinged on the phone, and though Levi had been concerned, he'd also been put off, and also sure he just needed some rest. However, in the morning with fresh eyes, he wondered if Eren had just needed another person, the same way Levi had all those years ago. Indeed, Levi had probably sounded and acted just as unhinged, and Erwin had put up with it, which had saved his life.

He recalled one morning in particular, when he'd awoken suddenly from one of those night terrors, gasping for breath and drenched in cold sweat. He sat bolt upright, the blankets falling away from his bare chest, and immediately began to shiver. "Levi? Are you all right?" Erwin asked, from beside him. Levi yanked the blankets back up to cover himself, to contain his heaving chest. "Bad dream?" Erwin asked, softly. Levi said nothing, just tried to catch his breath, and Erwin made a soft, sympathetic noise. Levi shuddered and looked at Erwin over his shoulder. His expression was gentle, receptive, inviting in the grey blue light of the early morning. Levi lay back down, and Erwin took him into his arms, strong and warm and there. "Whatever you need," Erwin breathed into his hair. "Whatever you need." Levi gave a desperate little moan and began to nose at Erwin's chest, neck, and ears. Erwin gripped Levi's thigh and pulled it over his hips. Levi moaned softly again and dug his fingers into Erwin's shoulders. "You want it?" Erwin whispered gently, and Levi nodded. Erwin began to kiss his neck, and with another soft moan, he allowed himself to surrender.

Levi shuddered, the erection he always had in the morning twitching at the memories, but he ignored it. As good as all of that had felt, and as much as he'd needed it at the time, sleeping with Erwin had long since served its purpose. They both knew it, though they still indulged occasionally.

He ran his fingers through his hair again, wondering how worth it it'd be to try and get back to sleep. He wasn't physically tired, but guilt and helplessness sat heavy in his chest. He picked up his phone.

You're seeing me later

I know but I could come over sooner

Again Levi knew that split second's insane urge to tell him to just do it, but again he stood his ground.

Try and get some sleep

I'll see you this afternoon

"Fuck me," Levi muttered again, having no idea if he'd made the right decision. What would Erwin have done? The enormity of this question sent a shiver down Levi's spine and he jumped out of bed. He doubted he'd be able to get back to sleep, and a cup of tea on his building's roof deck and an early start on all the shit he had to do before Eren showed up seemed a better use of his time than lying in bed trying to answer it.

Eren tried to draw strength from Levi's messages, but between the lack of sleep and further denial, he just felt sick and frustrated. The light seeping in from the edges of his heavy curtains grew brighter, and after a while he heard his family start to wake up. He tensed at the sounds of floorboards creaking, doors opening, good mornings being exchanged. He hoped they'd leave him alone, assume he was sleeping and go about their days, but,

"Mikasa, are you all right?" Eren heard Carla ask, right outside his door.

"I'm fine, just tired from the party," replied Mikasa, hoarsely, the way she always sounded when she'd been crying. Eren screwed up his eyes. He hated her tears. He'd always hated her tears, but no one except him ever saw her tears, and he hated that the most.

"Are you sure you don't want breakfast? You're looking pale."

"I'm going running. I'll eat when I get back."

"At least have some coffee or juice or something."

"…All right."

"And take plenty of water with you, I worry about you running in this heat. Is Eren awake?" Mikasa cleared her throat.

"I don't think so." Eren heard them descend the stairs, and though he sighed with relief, his head pounded worse than ever. He wondered if it'd be worth leaving his room to get medicine even though the house wasn't empty, but just the thought made him feel sicker.

"Fuck," he groaned into his pillow, curling in tighter around himself.

There was a knock on the door and Eren started so badly he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He sat up, gasping for breath and clutching a pillow to his chest as his father pushed open the door without waiting for a "come in." "Eren- oh my god what have you done to your hand?" Eren faced Grisha defiantly, arms still around his pillow.

"What do you want?" he asked, his head throbbing with the effort of sitting upright and talking. Grisha's eyes were still on his hand, but then he shook his head and looked him in the face instead.

"What are you doing this evening?" he asked, trying and failing not to match Eren's challenging tone.

"Why, you wanna play catch or something?" Grisha closed his eyes, then forged bravely ahead.

"I was thinking we could all go for dinner. It's been a long time."

"There's a reason for that."

"Eren, don't start, please…" Grisha sounded as exhausted and drained as Eren felt, but it only incensed him.

"Should we bring Zeke's urn too? We could throw it through someone's window like that fucking baseball, he'd like that!"

"Eren, STOP!" Grisha's shout took both of them by surprise, and his eyes widened behind his glasses. Eren just glared back at him, waiting for him to give up and leave like he always did. "I'm, Eren, I-"

"You three go. I'm going to Armin's later, anyway," Eren interrupted, coldly. Almost a full minute passed in painful silence.

"Why are you like this, Eren?" asked Grisha in a helpless tone that just made Eren laugh. Grisha shuddered, but said nothing else. He left the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Fuck," muttered Eren again, falling onto his side and biting down hard on his lip. Out of habit and spite, he seized his phone and texted Armin.

I'm at your place tonight if anyone asks

Armin woke up much earlier than he'd planned to a call from his work study boss asking if he could cover a shift that day. Even though he was exhausted, he agreed, because he was caught up on homework and didn't think anything good would come of staying in the house all day. He ended the call and saw messages from Jean and Historia asking if everything was okay, as well as a whole exchange in their group chat without Eren and Mikasa. He ignored it all. Even thinking about last night made everything hurt, like some weird emotional hangover he couldn't shake.

His grandfather had been asleep when he'd come in, for which he'd been grateful, because he didn't want to worry him or explain anything. However, as he lay awake hours later, car horns and hazard lights and angry voices flashing in his mind, it took everything in his power not to run to his grandfather's room as he had done as a kid. Indeed, this morning felt a lot like waking from a nightmare, except he had no idea who to turn to for comfort.

Armin heaved himself out of bed and padded down the hall to his bathroom, took some medicine for his headache and got in the shower. The hot water revived him a little, and as he scrubbed himself clean he tried to think realistically about his options and get his feet back under him.

He obviously had to talk to Eren, but the prospect was absolutely terrifying, even though there was no logical reason for it to be. He and Eren were friends, best friends, as he was always quick to clarify, and should therefore be able to talk about anything, right? Besides, their other friends, and sometimes even Grisha and Carla, observed, "At least Eren listens to you" in varying states of admiration, despair and frustration. Regardless of tone, for years it had been a point of pride for Armin, so much so that he'd even conceded that the people calling them Ralph and Piggy might have had a point. However, under the shower jet in the summer morning sun, it just made him feel taken advantage of.

Their friends didn't need to be there for Eren the way he did. They could detach easily if they wanted to, and after last night he didn't blame them for wanting to in the slightest. However, stopping speaking to Eren wasn't something Armin could just do, despite his friends' increasing pressure. There was a lot to consider, the most obvious point being what would happen to Mikasa. 'But is that actually my problem?' asked a small, spiteful voice in his head, reminding him of all she'd said to him on the side of the highway. Of course, her taking out her temper and frustration on him didn't surprise him, but it absolutely broke his heart. He'd always thought they were in this together, corralling and managing Eren, but no, she'd just seen him as competition. 'What a waste of fucking time,' he thought, bitterly, his cloak of ill-usage even heavier upon his shoulders.

Armin finished his shower, got dressed and gathered his things. His grandfather was in the kitchen with coffee and the paper, and Armin gave him an extra long hug as he told him where he was going and said goodbye. His grandfather ruffled his hair and said he was proud of him, the same way he'd done when he was a little boy, and Armin left the apartment with a hard lump rising in his throat.

He headed East to the train station in front of the Museum of Natural History. It was already blazing hot. The sun hung high in the cloudless sky and Central Park was humid, green and leafy across the street. He passed a group of children in front of the museum steps, clearly all friends, and their parents fanning themselves and trying to keep everyone together. He overheard one little boy telling his friend, eagerly, about how much he'd love the deep sea room, with its sperm whale and giant squid models. Despite the lump in his throat, Armin couldn't help but smile. He remembered coming here on field trips in elementary school and being excited to tell his classmates all he knew about sea creatures. He'd gotten teased, naturally, but Eren had always listened, his eyes huge and eager.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Armin put on his headphones and descended the stairs into the blistering subway station, his mind still on Eren as he'd known him when they'd first become friends. Best friends. He'd seemed so brave and powerful then, even when doing stupid things like eating grass for a dare or picking righteous fights with their classmates. Armin had admired him so much, felt protected by his presence, only to watch the bravery and power evolve into recklessness and agitation as they'd grown up. He remembered the first time Eren had wrecked Grisha's car, the first time he'd gotten really badly hurt at a show, the first time he'd shown up at school with bite marks all over his neck. Now all the memories just seemed like red flags, and Armin hated himself for missing them.

A D train, running local because the MTA said so, pulled into the station. Armin got on and sat down in a corner, sighing in relief at the blast of air conditioning, memories still swirling in his mind and heart.

He and Eren had become friends on the playground of their elementary school. As usual, some older kids were harassing him when there were no teachers around to intervene. Not that it made a difference, as retaliating was apparently way worse than instigating in situations like this. Armin just squared his small shoulders, prepared to take whatever they threw at him, when from behind them someone yelled,

"HEY!" The older boys turned. Eren, who Armin only knew by sight and reputation, stood with his fists clenched and a murderous expression on his face.

"Who are you?" one of the boys asked.

"Doesn't matter, get away from him! He didn't do nothing to you!"

"You think you're brave or something?"

"I told you to get back!"

"Wait!" Armin called as the boys charged towards Eren. "No, stop!" But an all out brawl ensued and the whole playground gathered around to watch. Armin clapped his hands to his mouth as the four of them wrestled each other to the ground, kicked and threw hands and elbows. The crowd cheered while Eren and the older boys yelled and swore, until finally, finally some teachers appeared. They broke up the fight and marched all four of them across the playground towards the school, shouting about how unacceptable this was. Everyone watched until the heavy fire door slammed shut behind them, and a ringing silence followed. All the spectators stared into the now empty space the fight had occupied for a few seconds before dispersing once again as if nothing had happened. They ignored Armin completely, even though he'd been the cause of the whole scene, but of course that didn't surprise him. No one ever noticed him, let alone stuck up for him. He flushed deeply and bit his lip. As much as he liked not getting beat up for once, he'd prefer to remain invisible the rest of the day.

The next morning, Armin's whole grade was treated to a lecture about how it was wrong to fight and that words and adult intervention were the solution to any and all conflict. Judging by the looks on his classmates' faces, Armin wasn't the only person thinking that was total nonsense, though obviously no one said anything, and the lecture ended quickly.

Afterwards, Eren sought Armin out, smiling his stiff, close lipped smile. His knuckles were bruised and his lip was cut, but it all made him look fierce, proud, even heroic if the light was right. "You okay?" he asked, and Armin returned his smile.

"Yeah, um, thanks."

"Sure."

They'd been best friends ever since.

Armin's heart squeezed painfully and he shut his eyes against the ugly orange light of the D train and the weird hue it cast on the memories.

At West 4th St, he got off the train and headed East along the south side of Washington Square Park. It was also green and leafy and the fountain was on, though it was so hot the water seemed to steam up in the air. Sweating, he stopped at his favorite hole in the wall for coffee before entering NYU's huge, formidable red library.

The darkness and air conditioning were shocking after the sticky brightness outside, but also a relief. He waved at the librarians behind their desks as he crossed the huge tile floor to the staff room, which was just an over-large utility room with beige walls and unflattering strip lighting. However, when he opened the door and found Annie sitting at the plastic table, eyes narrowed at her cellphone, the whole thing seemed to beautify before him. She looked up, and her expression softened. He tried not to blush.

"I didn't know you were working today," she said, and Armin put his coffee down and took off his headphones at once.

"I wasn't scheduled, I got called in to cover for someone."

"That sucks."

"I don't mind. It keeps me out of the heat at least."

"Mm, fair."

Armin smiled, all his worries and problems forgotten until he picked up his phone to put it on silent, only to see a text from Eren. Against his better judgment, he read the message.

I'm at your place tonight if anyone asks

Armin stared at the phone for almost a full minute, a funny ringing in his ears. What had he expected? An apology? Regret? A plea for help? How stupid was he?!

"Are you okay?" Annie's voice cut through the ringing and her look of concern filled his chest so much it seemed to push the words he spoke next up into his throat.

"Have you ever stuck by someone for years, only to look back and realize it's gotten you absolutely nowhere?" he asked, in a cold, matter of fact tone that surprised him. He blushed, then blushed more when he realized it. However, Annie just tilted her head to the side.

"Haven't we all been there?" Armin was so disarmed by her solidarity that he had no idea how to respond, but fortunately she continued, bluntly, "It sucks." Armin laughed despairingly, though she was absolutely right. "Are you sticking around in case everything goes completely to hell?" she asked next, less bluntly.

"Yeah," Armin replied, realizing just how true that was the moment he said it. That cloak of ill-usage seemed especially heavy for a moment, and as he stared into her eyes, more words clawed their way out of his throat. "Except I don't think it's worth my own sanity anymore." He immediately felt guilty for saying it, exposed, disloyal, like a failure, and looked away.

"I had a friend like that in high school," said Annie, quietly, after a moment. "It's a fucked up position to be in." Armin nodded.

"What happened? If you don't mind me asking, obviously." Annie tilted her head to the side.

"He got really into drinking and smoking weed to the point where he got kicked out of school. His parents did fuck all about it, and I tried to stay friends with him even though hanging out was never fun, but then senior year I was applying for college and he was high on his mom's couch all the time and I just… I couldn't watch someone I care about ruin their life in front of me. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him until he got his shit together. He didn't like that."

"I'm so sorry," Armin said, and he meant it. "Did he recover?" Annie looked away for a moment, and though it was clear she was in pain, there was no regret.

"We don't speak anymore, but I know he's still alive." Armin nodded, and imagined himself texting Mikasa for updates on Eren if he cut him off, assuming of course she'd still be speaking to him.

"That's really sad," he said, and she nodded.

"He was really going through it, but he was treating us all like shit and I was over it. Plus, like I said, I don't want to see someone hurt themselves like that." Armin nodded, rather embarrassed at how obvious it seemed. "It wasn't an easy decision, and sometimes I wonder if it was wrong, but it was definitely the right call at the time."

"That makes sense," said Armin, his heart in his throat. Annie nodded, and Armin asked, tentatively, "Do you think you'll ever make amends?" Annie looked at him for a long time, and even in the unflattering fluorescent light, her eyes were still so breathtakingly beautiful.

"I hope so," she replied, sincerely, "but I don't blame him if he doesn't want to." Armin nodded.

"I hope he gets better."

"Thank you, me too." They smiled rather sadly at each other, then Annie got to her feet and tucked her cellphone into her pocket. She crossed the room and placed her hand on the doorknob, but paused. "Do you want to go for coffee after this?" Armin hastily turned his gasp of excitement into a cough.

"Yeah! Of course, I'd love to." Annie gave him a half smile over her shoulder that made his heart soar, then pulled open the door and disappeared over the threshold. Armin closed his eyes and arched his back on a shaky inhale. Just like at Zeke's funeral, he felt suddenly much better equipped to deal with the rest of the day, with whatever was going to happen with Eren.

He'd figure it out just like he always did.

GET IT, ARMIN!

What would you guys do if you were in Armin's position, though? Or honestly, in Levi's? I'd love to know what you think, because I don't think there's a right answer.

Also, get excited for more Eren and Levi time next week!

See you all soon!

Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!