HELLO! Happy Thursday!

Sorry this is late, I fell behind with my editing over the weekend and then, instead of being responsible last night I ended up on the phone with a friend for four hours. My bad, but regardless, I am VERY happy to be posting this!

I wouldn't say this chapter is the climax of the story, but it is 100& climactic and will hopefully help answer some questions I've been getting. As usual, thank you all so much for your feedback, it makes my day every single time! To that end, I'll be very curious what you all think about this, because I'm still not totally sure, though of course we all feel that way about everything we post at certain points.

I will say, this chapter was a bitch to edit. Like, I had to essentially rewrite the first half of it because, given where the story ended up and how I feel now vs. when I wrote the first draft, a lot of stuff just didn't work. I actually remember one specific line I was writing on the train ride back from my best friend's wedding last September, and I felt like I'd really hit on something powerful about Eren and Levi's relationship, about how Levi really sees Eren for who he is in a way very few people in the cast do. It actually really breaks my heart, especially given what happens in the last arc, but that's a whole other conversation LOL.

I also just... love and admire Levi so much. He's so resilient and loving despite all that's happened to him, both in the canon and here (why the hell people write him like this cold unfeeling sadist I will never understand) and I think that's absolutely wonderful. We all need a Levi in our lives.

Also, please remember, Mikasa deserves better. Always and forever.

Okay I think that's all I wanna say, I'll let the rest speak for itself and go get ready to sing karaoke with some friends.

FOR THE VIBES! Listen to Skyline by ERRA. Did you guys know I love ERRA? Because I fucking love ERRA. I saw them live on Saturday and managed to get right in the front and center of the stage and absolutely lost my mind because, YOU GUESSED IT! They played Shadow Autonomous. I started nuclear meltdown crying, like, it was ridiculous, I felt so bad for me friend who was with me! They played this song too, and I cried and sang along and it was absolutely magical. (Every night I'm beside you weeks away when you're sleeping alone, you never know how much I meant it... WHEN THE GROUND FALLS OUT WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND?! WHEN THINGS FALL APART WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND?!) After the show JT brofisted me and Jesse handed me one of his guitar picks, which I now carry in my wallet like a talisman. Then on the merch line I started crying again just like, because. I dunno. Happened last time too so I guess it's a thing. If there isn't a compilation of me being cringe at ERRA merch tables I'm not going. True story.

Man my voice was shot and my body was banged up the next day. Fucking perfect.

All right, enjoy!

Eren's eyes flew open as he awoke with a sharp breath in and a shudder. At first he had no idea where he was or what he'd been doing, but then his breath and heartbeat slowed and he was able to take in Levi's dark bedroom, recall how they'd spent the afternoon, though he couldn't remember passing out. Eren rolled over onto his back and shoved his fist into his eye, moaning as he became aware of all the aches and pains in his body, of feeling weirdly hot and cold at the same time, of the strange, anxious gnawing in his chest. It really was dark, how long had he been out? And where was Levi? The gnawing in his chest intensified. The burning, all consuming pain he'd been in for the last few days was gone, but he didn't feel anywhere near as good as he usually did. His heartbeat spiked suddenly. What was going on? Why didn't he feel better?! And where the fuck was Levi?!

"Levi?!" called Eren, his voice hoarse and constricted. He cleared his throat. "Levi?!"

"Relax, I'm in the living room!"

Eren let out a shaky moan, hurried out of bed and looked wildly around for his bag, only to remember he'd dropped it by the front door. He scrambled back into the jeans he'd torn off earlier and stomped down the hall. He found Levi on the couch, dressed in sweatpants with a book and cup of tea, lit softly by the dim recessed lights while music played quietly in the background.

"You're finally up," he said, marking his place in his book. "I was," but he broke off when he looked at Eren over his shoulder. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. "Are you okay?" The gnawing in Eren's chest got even worse, making him feel like it'd split him open. He bit his lip, but said nothing. "Eren, are you okay?" Levi asked, more firmly, knowing that intense tug in his chest. Eren's lip began to tremble between his teeth, and Levi got to his feet at once. "You look a goddamn mess," he said as he approached. Still Eren said nothing, and Levi started to lose patience. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to resist the pull he felt there because he didn't want to touch Eren like this. Eren stared back at Levi, the gnawing in his chest reaching its peak and making his vision blur, but then he blinked and tears slid down his face. Levi made a little noise of concern, but stayed put, watching Eren wipe the tears away with his fists. "Easy, you're fine," Levi soothed, though that was demonstrably not true. His heart was beating so fast now he could feel it against his crossed arms. Eren sniffed and shoved his knuckles into his mouth. The saltiness and sting focused him, but didn't help his chest. Instinctively, Levi grabbed Eren's wrist and pulled his hand out of his mouth. "Stop," he said, firmly but not unkindly. "Breathe." The touch reached Eren, reminded him that he was with Levi, in his apartment, his haven where he always felt safe and content and better, except that he didn't! Why didn't he feel better?! Eren's vision blurred again and he swayed where he stood, but Levi immediately seized him by the upper arms and held him steady. "Oi! Stay with me! Breathe!" Eren took shaking breaths, and though his knees were trembling and his chest still felt like it'd split open, he was aware of his feet on the ground, of Levi's hands.

"Levi," he said, slowly.

"Yes?" he asked, rather impatiently, but Eren just fell forward and kissed him on the lips. Half ready for it, Levi dug his fingers into Eren's upper arms and kissed him back almost forcefully. His heart ached, and just like their first embrace that afternoon, it felt good despite his disgust. They stayed that way until Levi finally felt Eren relax. When he eventually pulled away, he'd stopped crying and his voice was steady, though all he said was,

"Yeah." His head felt a little clearer, his chest less painful, but he still gave Levi an interrogative look as if he might explain why he didn't feel relaxed and satiated like he was supposed to. Levi, who had no idea what the look was about other than something was wrong, just raised an eyebrow. After a little pause, Eren ran his fingers through his hair. "I was gonna shower and change, I needed to get my stuff."

"Good," said Levi. Another pause. "Are you okay? Seriously." He couldn't help it.

"What? Yeah," replied Eren, entirely unconvincingly. Levi rolled his eyes as Eren crossed the room.

"Are you hungry?"

"Huh?" Levi rolled his eyes again.

"It's almost 9:30, are you hungry?" Eren picked up his bag, threw it over his shoulder and gazed back at Levi with his big eyes. He didn't feel hungry at all, but because it was Levi asking, the gnawing in his chest subsided a little.

"Nah, but um, some tea would be nice." For a moment, the only sound was Levi's music as they stared at each other.

"I got you." Eren nodded, soothed further by this.

"I'll be right back," he told Levi, robustly, crossing the room again.

Levi watched him go, listened to the bathroom door slam shut and the shower turn on, then sighed and pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes, wondering, not for the first time, what the hell he was doing.

Twenty minutes later, Eren appeared in the kitchen dressed in sweatpants with his wet hair tied back. Levi stood at the counter, now dressed in black jeans and a grey long sleeved t-shirt. He looked at Eren over his shoulder. "Go put on a shirt," he said, abruptly. Eren narrowed his eyes.

"Why?"

"I want to take you somewhere."

"What?"

"You heard me." Eren had no idea what was going on, but it was a relief to hear Levi's authoritative tone, to be guided. He nodded and returned to Levi's room to dig his clean t-shirt out of his bag. The band's spikey logo and the lyric "In flight or in free fall, glide along the evergreen" was emblazoned across the front. It was slightly too big for him, because by the time he'd gotten to the merch table at the show they'd run out of his size, but he didn't care. He pulled it over his head, wondering what Levi had planned. Were they going out out? Why? Where would they go? However, the gnawing in his chest finally stopped. He returned to the kitchen, and Levi shoved two empty mugs into his hands and picked up the full teapot from the counter. "Let's go." Eren still didn't understand, but nodded and followed him out of his apartment to the elevators. Levi pressed the up button, and Eren was even more perplexed, but said nothing.

An elevator chimed its arrival, and Levi and Eren rode it up to a floor whose button was labeled with a star, then headed down a beige corridor that ended in a frosted glass door. Levi opened it with his free hand and led Eren out onto the building's roof deck. "What the fuck…" breathed Eren, looking around. It was made of poured concrete and enclosed by glass and metal walls with tables, chairs, potted plants and standing lights that doubled as space heaters set about. It was pretty, for sure, but what Eren noticed immediately was, although it was still hot and humid, the air up here was cooler and a soft breeze blew continually around them, while the city lights surrounding them glimmered softly in the darkness.

Levi placed his hand on Eren's lower back and nudged him towards a table in the corner under a string of fairy lights, far away from the two small groups of basic people with glasses of wine. They set the mugs and teapot on the table, then sat down across from each other. Behind Levi, Een could see the Williamsburg Bridge and the head and tail lights of the cars on it flowing over the inky blackness of the East River.

"You look confused," said Levi, pouring them both mugs of tea.

"Yeah, well, what's the occasion?" asked Eren. Levi rolled his eyes.

"It's a nice night and you seemed agitated."

"I'm not agitated!" Levi just raised his eyebrows, and Eren seized his mug of tea, pressed it against his lips and took a deep breath in through his nose, blushing. "Agitated," he repeated, sounding out every syllable, and Levi's lip twitched. Eren took a sip of tea. It was light, almost sweet, and he actually managed a small smile. "Nice."

"Mm," Levi agreed, sipping his own tea. He watched Eren closely for a moment, trying to place where he was at. He'd hoped bringing him up here would relax him further, put him into the easy, talkative state he usually got to after getting fucked sensless and a nap. It seemed to be working, but Levi didn't trust it yet, and Eren didn't seem willing or able to help. "I guess you needed to sleep," said Levi, trying to bridge the gap. "You were out for a while." Eren nodded.

"Told you I didn't sleep last night," he said, shrugging. Levi's heart gave a little squeeze as he remembered their conversations from the night before, the state he'd been in when he'd arrived here.

"You wanna tell me about your friend's birthday?" Eren sighed and slumped forward on the table, forearms stacked on top of each other and chin resting upon them.

"Sure, if you want," he said, also remembering their conversations from last night. It had barely been twenty four hours ago, but now it felt like years. His eyes darted about before fixing on Levi. "It wasn't good."

"I remember."

"Well, the thing itself was whatever," said Eren, "but afterwards I was driving home with Armin and Mikasa and they got into a fight, like I told you." The fairy lights shivered in the breeze, and the glow flickering across Eren's face reminded Levi of a campfire. He reached over and brushed a few stray hairs off his forehead. Eren closed his eyes at the touch, then straightened up and took another sip of tea.

"They got in a fight," he repeated, then recounted the story, or what he could remember of it, and Levi's horror grew with every word. He tried not to let it show on his face, but Eren seemed to have no idea how lucky they were not to have been killed. Or what a fucked up position he'd put his best friend in. Or how hurtful what he'd said to his sister was. He knew Eren cared, that he could empathize and understand other people, but Levi realized for the first time just how detached he really was. Detached and vulnerable.

'Sick,' he thought, his heart aching for him even as his stomach twisted in fear and disgust.

"So then I called you and, yeah. I got no sleep at all last night." Eren closed his eyes, and tears slid down his face. When had he started crying? "I…" He looked across the table at Levi, who reached forward and wiped his tears away with his thumb. "I kept hearing Mikasa crying."

"Yeah no shit, after what happened."

"No, it's always like that," said Eren, his voice rising. "Ever since she came to live with us." He bit down on the rim of his mug.

"Don't-" started Levi, but then Eren set his mug down and shook his head.

"Sorry." He glared across the roof deck as one of the groups of people drinking wine started to disband.

"Eren, will you do something for me?" Levi asked, wearily, and Eren snapped to attention.

"What? Yeah."

"Tell me what the fuck is going on there."

"What do you mean?"

"Between you and Mikasa. Because you can't tell me shit like that and then be confused that she follows you around and worries about you that much."

A full minute passed in ringing silence, during which Eren stared, dumbstruck at Levi. Didn't he know about Mikasa's parents? About how she'd clung to Eren since coming to live with them? How she'd only cry when it was the two of them alone? He wracked his brains, trying to remember when he'd told Levi, because he'd definitely asked before, but maybe he just hadn't pushed him…

"You don't have to answer," said Levi, rather impatiently, "but-"

"No, I just… I figured you knew already."

"Why would you figure that?" asked Levi, still impatient. "The only time you ever shut the fuck up is around that subject." Again, Eren just stared at Levi, until he started laughing.

"What?!"

"Nothing, relax," he said, holding his hand up in a pacifying gesture. "I understand. With shit like that we assume everyone around us knows, like they find out through osmosis or something." Indeed, Levi remembered how shocking it was when people didn't immediately know how he'd come to live with Erwin, how their asking had felt like a slap in the face. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to." They stared at each other, and Eren was reminded of just how much Levi understood. The questions weren't invasive. They were never invasive. He was just curious, but he gave Eren an out. His eyes flashed and he took another fortifying sip of tea.

"You know her parents died, right?"

"You told me that, yes."

"Well… they were murdered." Levi couldn't suppress his gasp, because that was the last thing he'd have expected, and his heart broke for this young woman he didn't know.

"Jesus, I am so sorry," he said. Bolstered by Levi's sincerity, Eren swallowed and continued.

"Yeah. It was a home invasion." Levi couldn't suppress his noise of despair. "But she escaped to their neighbor's house and called 911."

"Smart girl," said Levi, though he felt his already broken heart turn to ice. "How old were you both?"

"Nine."

"Jesus Christ…"

"Yeah," said Eren, sipping more tea. "My parents had to go get her cause my dad's her godfather, legal guardian or whatever if something like this happens."

"I see…" Eren nodded, took one more sip of tea, and began to tell the story.

One January morning, his mother had woken him up at daybreak. "Eren, come downstairs, please. Your father and I need to talk to you." He'd groaned and fought with her, but, unusually, she didn't fight back. She'd been gentle, coaxing, until he'd at last heaved himself out of bed and trudged downstairs in his pajamas. His father was waiting for him in the living room.

"Sit down," he said, in a brittle voice Eren had never heard before. Absolutely positive he was in trouble, though he had no idea for what, Eren sat down on the couch across from him, but then Grisha told him what happened. It was the first time Eren had ever seen his father cry, and it had been shocking enough to keep him quiet without the horrible news. "So Mikasa's going to be living with us from now on," he finished. Eren just nodded, trying to make sense of it. He'd seen stuff like this on TV, but it seemed absurd that it should happen to someone he actually knew. His mother hugged him and cried into his hair for a moment, then told him to get dressed for the drive upstate.

It was a grey, cold morning and snow fell in heavy white flakes outside the car. Eren played on his 3DS, until he got frustrated and threw it, while NPR went in and out of focus on the radio. However, his parents didn't seem to notice, too absorbed in their own quiet conversation. Eren understood bits and pieces like "We'll convert the guest room next to Eren's room" and "If we sell the house…" and "What about the rest of the family?" and of course, "Eren, keep your seatbelt on!"

"How much longer?" he whined, pulling his seatbelt back over his chest and glaring at his mother's reflection in the rear view mirror.

"Another hour at least," said Grisha. "Do you need to stop?"

"No," Eren muttered, leaning his head resentfully against the window.

"Your parents must have been grief stricken," said Levi, quietly, refilling both of their mugs.

"I guess so, I don't really remember," said Eren. Levi raised his eyebrows, watching Eren try to make sense of what his nine year old self had witnessed. When he'd been that age himself, Levi had felt his mother's pain, Kenny's anger, others' sympathy and his own frustration and fear so intensely. "But then-"

"Eren."

"What?" But Levi just sighed.

"Nothing, go on." Eren nodded.

They arrived in Mikasa's sleepy mountain town mid morning. The snow had stopped, but the sky was still overcast. When they pulled up to her house, police, press and neighbors were swarming outside, and yellow tape right out of a crime show was everywhere. Eren's chest suddenly tightened as a pudgy police officer approached the car, chest squared and eyes narrowed. His father closed his eyes for a moment, then unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car.

"Good morning, I'm not press, I'm-" he shut the door, muffling the conversation. Eren and his mother watched the cop cross his arms and tilt his head back and forth.

"Do these people have Mikasa?" asked Eren on an intense rush of dislike.

"Watch your tone," sighed Carla. An older man in a long, tan trench coat came hurrying up to them, and after determining who Grisha was, gave a relieved sigh. He shook his hand and gestured as though giving directions. Grisha nodded and got back into the car. "What's going on?" asked Carla at once.

"We need to go to the hospital where Mikasa is," he said, in as normal a tone as he could manage. "They can't question her without," but his voice broke. Carla placed her hand on his thigh and he cleared his throat before continuing. "They can't question her without a legal guardian present."

"Right, of course."

"Can I go see inside the house?" Eren asked, suddenly.

"Absolutely not," his parents said in unison, turning in their seats to look at him.

"Fine! I was just asking." Resentfully, he retrieved his 3DS while his parents exchanged a look, then Grisha put the car in gear, backed them out of the driveway and sped them off to get back on the highway. They arrived at the hospital a few minutes later, and Eren shrank back in his seat. He didn't like hospitals, even though he'd gone to work with his father countless times. They were always too bright and gave him the creeps.

He whined and protested the moment his father parked the car and told him to get out, but, just like earlier, no one got angry. Wordlessly, his mother just unbuckled his seatbelt, pulled him out of the car by the hand and dragged him across the parking lot. It was almost totally submerged in snow and greyish brown slush, and Eren went out of his way to stomp through all the puddles and kick icy water everywhere. However, his parents said nothing, and his snow boots were very waterproof.

"Dry dry dry," he muttered to himself all the way to the hospital entrance. They entered the overbright lobby, then, after getting clearance from the front desk, headed through doors and halls and elevators and more halls. Eren left a trail of muddy footprints on the eerily clean floor in his wake. "Dry dry dry," he muttered to himself.

"What?" Carla asked.

"Nothing."

At last they arrived outside one specific room in a long, quiet hallway where an armed police officer stood sentinel. Grisha explained who he was to the cop, who nodded, and knocked. The door swung open to reveal a middle aged woman in a suit holding a folder. "Can I help you?" she asked, in rather an accusatory tone. Eren wrenched his wrist out of his mother's grip and tugged the scarf he was wearing away from his neck.

"I'm Grisha Jaeger, Mikasa's legal guardian." The woman's suspicious expression remained the same, and Grisha closed his eyes for a moment before taking out his driver's license to show her, despite already having done this downstairs. "This is my wife, Carla, and our son, Eren. We'd like to see Mikasa before she has to speak to the detectives." The woman seemed reluctant to give in, and Eren knew another powerful rush of dislike. She checked and rechecked Grisha's ID against some note in her folder, then stepped aside. Eren made an impatient noise that earned him a nasty look from his mother. "Are you a court appointed advocate?" asked Grisha, and the woman looked affronted.

"I'm the pediatric psychiatric social worker in charge of this case."

"You're in our way," said Eren, impatiently, and Carla just pushed Eren into the room with a hurried apology to the social worker and Grisha muttered something about it being a long day. To Eren's annoyance, the woman stepped over the threshold with them. The moment she closed the door behind her, it was like the room had frozen.

Mikasa was sitting up in the hospital bed, gazing ahead of her at the wall mounted television playing PBS. Her long black hair hung lank about her shoulders and her dark eyes were glazed, but something in them seemed to flicker when she registered who was there to see her. Carla made a small, devastated noise, rushed over and took her into her arms at once. Mikasa's small hands clutched at the back of her coat like starfish. Grisha was at her bedside a split second later, but Eren stayed where he was, wary of approaching, and shoved his knuckles in his mouth.

"She still looks like that," he told Levi, who nodded. He knew that look too. He'd seen it on neighbors, his clients, people on the street by his office, his own reflection. However, he was more interested in Eren's expression now, like he was still that wide eyed nine year old.

"The police came and talked to her, then?"

"Yeah," replied Eren. He hugged his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. "I wasn't there for that, though, my parents made me wait outside in the hall."

"Yes," said Levi, because it was obvious. Eren, however, made a contemptuous noise.

"I found out what happened anyway, so it didn't make a difference in the end." Levi bit back a retort with difficulty.

After what felt like hours, Eren's parents, the police, the detective and the social worker emerged, talking amongst themselves. "Can we leave yet?" he asked at once.

"Go inside with Mikasa for a moment, Eren," said Grisha, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes with his index finger and thumb. Eren didn't like this idea, but knew by his father's tone he couldn't argue, so returned to the creepy, cold hospital room.

Mikasa had her arms around her knees and was shivering violently. The door fell closed, deadening to noise outside and freezing the room. She looked up, and Eren's fists clenched as they made eye contact. She didn't look like herself. Indeed he didn't know what he was looking at except that he didn't like it. Mikasa was quiet, yes, but she was also bright, curious, could kick his ass in a fight when she wanted, and now… He knew a sudden, righteous anger at those people who had reduced her to this, at the people outside who just seemed to get in the way. He wanted to do something. Anything.

"Are you cold?" he asked, after a while, because she was still shivering. Her eyes widened. "Here." Eren unwound the scarf from his neck, muttering crossly when it got tangled, and thrust it at her. Mikasa's eyes darted between the scarf and Eren's face, and he pushed it towards her with an impatient sigh. She took it with trembling hands and wrapped it around herself like a blanket. "They'll catch the bastards who did this," he said, with absolute authority. "Or I will." Mikasa's eyes filled with tears and she pulled the scarf more closely around her.

"Did you catch them?" asked Levi, softly.

"No, but the cops did. Scumbags are in prison for life now."

"Good," said Levi. A moment's silence passed. "Did that make things easier?" he asked next, though he guessed the answer.

"No," Eren snorted. "Closure's a fucking stupid concept."

"I agree." Eren's expression changed sharply from contempt to curiosity. He watched Levi sip his tea, the city lights reflected in his grey eyes, and realized this was the first time ever that he hadn't minded telling this story. Maybe because Levi didn't ask a million questions, maybe because he wasn't in it for something to be horrified by and gawk at, or maybe just because Levi was Levi, but he understood. Really understood. It gave Eren a weird feeling in his chest, like some deep need he hadn't even realized was there was finally satisfied and soothed, a need that went beyond getting fucked and taken care of after. He swallowed, staring at Levi in awe, his heart suddenly swelling in his chest.

"You okay, kid?" asked Levi, and Eren felt the question like an electric charge through his overfull heart.

"Yeah," he replied, slowly, finishing his tea. He set his mug on the table and hugged himself tighter, trying to keep his heart inside, or at least that was how it felt. Levi watched him warily, feeling his tide begin to rise, but it was different now. Softer and vulnerable rather than hard and pushy, asking rather than demanding. Telling this story clearly meant something to Eren, and Levi wanted to know what it was, though he wasn't sure he'd get an answer if he asked. However, before he could even summon the words, "Levi?"

"Hm?" Eren's beautiful eyes caught the light, wide and almost innocent in the surrounding darkness.

"How did you start working your job?"

If Levi had been expecting anything, it wasn't that. He'd been wondering when the question would inevitably come up, of course, and it was both surprising and gratifying that it did in a moment of vulnerability and honesty rather than morbid curiosity. Eren had shared his story, which had explained, not everything, but a great deal, and there would be solidarity in Levi sharing his. He switched the cross of his arms, then stared out beyond Eren, over the ocean of lights to where the horizon should have been. He took a deep breath in, then faced him. "Erwin cleaned out my mother's apartment after she died."

Eren had had no idea what to expect, but it made total sense. This wasn't a job you could just scan a QR code in a window for and apply, right? However, it also made Eren realize just how little he knew, really knew, about Levi. He'd never mentioned his parents before, he'd barely told him where he'd grown up. "I see," he said, softly, still trying to wrap his head around it all. The mental grappling must have shown on his face, because Levi tilted his head to the side curiously.

"You were expecting something more dramatic?"

"No," said Eren at once. "I just… How old were you?"

"Nineteen." Eren's mouth fell open, as though he'd never heard of anyone being his age before.

"Wow…" he said, softly. Immediately he wondered what would happen if his own mother were to die. He'd imagined it before, obviously, it was impossible not to with his father's job and Mikasa's mere presence, but he'd always assumed he'd never experience it himself because he'd go first. He wasn't working to achieve this, obviously, but it seemed the most likely outcome, and it had never bothered him until this point. "How did it happen?" he asked.

"An overdose." Eren leaned forward on the table, his eyes blazing.

"Holy shit, really? That's terrible." He paused. "I'm sorry." He meant it completely, but bizarrely, it made Levi laugh. "I'm serious!" cried Eren, outraged.

"Easy, easy, I know you are," said Levi, raising his hand placatingly. As much as he appreciated it, sympathy and understanding still took him by surprise coming from Eren. Once again, he pictured him at nine years old struggling with information. "I'd been waiting for it since I was a kid. She'd never been able to stay sober for long." It used to break his heart to admit it, and though it was obviously still sad, now it was more a factual statement than anything. Eren just nodded, these new details of Levi's life fascinating, though he wasn't sure what to do with them aside from hoard them like always.

"That's really fucked up," said Eren.

"That's definitely the word," replied Levi, and Eren reached across the table and took hold of his forearm. His grip was loose, but heavy, and Levi gave another soft laugh. "It wasn't like she didn't try. She just didn't have enough support and got fucked by the system. Happens every day."

"I know," said Eren, bitterly, his eyes darting over the edge of the roof deck, to the interlocking grids of sidewalks where people tweaking out or on the nod were as common as pigeons and Starbucks. "Doesn't make it any less awful, though."

"No it doesn't," agreed Levi. Eren fixed him with his intense gaze once more, his lips parting, exaggerating his Cupid's Bow. Feeling as always like he was being pulled out to sea, Levi placed his other hand on top of Eren's, then began to tell the story.

"Levi!" Levi cringed against the banging on the door of Kenny's spare room. "Hey. Get up." The door creaked open, and Levi sat up, mouth dry and head heavy from drinking with coworkers the night before, blinking against the light pouring into the room. "Levi." Despite the overworking radiator in the corner of the room, Levi's blood ran cold. To this day, he couldn't remember Kenny actually saying the words, even though he must have, because he did remember bursting into tears and Kenny yanking him into his arms the way he'd done when he was a kid.

"I couldn't believe it at first," said Levi, and Eren nodded, remembering how absurd an idea Zeke dying had seemed. "Even though I'd been expecting it for years and afraid of it my whole life, I still couldn't believe it when it actually happened." Eren nodded again, though it was difficult, if not impossible, to imagine Levi scared of anything. "I kept thinking, if only I'd been there, if only I'd been there, but really, what the fuck was I going to do?"

Eren squeezed Levi's arm without meaning to. He thought of Jean asking Mikasa what difference her being there had made the first time he'd wrecked Grisha's car. "Yeah," he said, his heart beating faster. "Then what happened?" Levi gave another soft laugh and continued.

He barely remembered the journey to his mother's apartment. He'd pulled himself together enough to get dressed, navigate the intensifying snowstorm and get on the train, but the effort of holding himself in and up against the noise and bodies around him and the gnawing, crushing grief in his chest sapped his strength alarmingly fast. Kenny sat beside him, muttering to himself, telling people off for being rude and swearing at every small delay.

Levi had been living with Kenny for a month, after discovering his mother's latest relapse. She'd been on and off since his freshman year, when Kenny had stopped helping her detox at the hospital. His whole life he'd been used to it, but somehow, coming home from the first job he'd held after graduating high school, something inside him had snapped. Where it was earning his own money and having some degree of independence or just growing up, he knew at that moment he was done. After making sure she was still alive, he'd packed up as much of his things as he could carry in his old school backpack and stormed up to Washington Heights. "Had enough, kid?" Kenny had asked, then let him in as always.

Now, on this crowded, disgusting A train, guilt and shame tore at his insides. How could he have just left her like that? She'd needed him the most then! But no, because even if she did need him, she'd needed to get high more. She'd told him she loved him as he'd left her apartment for the last time, and though he'd said it back, he didn't believe her. If she really loved him, she'd have gotten sober and stayed that way.

"Obviously that's not actually how that works," Levi told Eren, somberly.

"Right," said Eren, very quietly, thinking about Mikasa and Armin for some reason.

"You still have your keys?" asked Kenny when they finally arrived in Alphabet City. Levi nodded, opened the heavy front door and climbed the grimy stairs up to his apartment. A few neighbors called out to him, but he ignored them, feeling like he was walking through a narrower and narrower tunnel the closer he got to the door. His heart pounded and his breath was shallow and his hands shook as he unlocked the door and opened it with a soft creak.

All the windows were closed and the curtains were drawn, but Levi could smell the squalor through the darkness. His palms sweating, he flicked on the lights. "Goddamn it, Kuchel!" Kenny shouted at the top of his voice as Levi burst into tears. In the month he'd been away, the apartment had completely deteriorated. It seemed the whole thing was swallowed up by garbage, old clothes, food and cockroaches. "Don't go in there, god only knows what's on the floors!" However, Levi just waded through the squalor to his mother's bedroom like always and found it exactly as he'd left it, except that the bed was empty and there was now a fine mist of blood all over the walls and ceiling. Levi pressed the heel of his hand between his streaming eyes, feeling more helpless and hopeless than he'd ever felt in his life.

"Hey, it's all right," said Levi, softly.

"Huh?" Eren sniffed, but he realized he'd started to cry when Levi reached forward and rubbed his thumb under his eye.

"It's all right," Levi repeated. It was so easy to picture Eren as a kid, but even easier to see his own nineteen year old self in him. Levi usually hated when people were upset for him, but again, he appreciated it from Eren.

"So you called Erwin?" Eren asked, thickly.

"Kenny did. Fuck if I know how they knew each other, but nefarious people tend to cross paths." Levi smiled, and Eren bit back a laugh.

Erwin and his team had arrived within the hour, and he and Kenny shook hands and exchanged familiar greetings. "Levi, this is Erwin Smith, my de-con man. Helped me out more than once. Erwin, this is my nephew, Levi." Erwin extended his hand to Levi too, and he shook it. It was so much bigger than his, and surprisingly calloused. Levi's swollen, grey eyes met Erwin's icy blue ones. They reminded him of the one Bunsen burner that had worked in his high school's chemistry lab.

"I'm so sorry about your mother," Erwin told Levi, in such a gentle voice it almost knocked the wind out of him. His throat burned, but he swallowed the fresh eruption of grief. He didn't want to cry in front of someone so strong and powerful, someone who he'd be ready to fight and defy if he'd met in any other context.

"I'm fucking sorry too," said Kenny, bitterly, kicking an empty soda can. However, Erwin ignored him, still staring at Levi.

"Loving sick people is so hard," he said, simply, and Levi nodded. If it were anyone else, he'd feel condescended to, but he knew intuitively that Erwin spoke from experience. "We can get started whenever you're ready," Erwin said next, finally turning away.

"Yeah yeah, let's get this over with," growled Kenny.

"If there's anything either of you want from the apartment I'll give you a few minutes once everything's signed," Erwin continued, more to Levi than Kenny.

"Yeah yeah," repeated Kenny. "I'll be right back, kid." Levi nodded, and Erwin followed Kenny downstairs, looking at Levi over his shoulder one more time. Levi sighed and gazed about hopelessly, every moment of being alone in the apartment he'd shared with his mother adding to the eternity he'd now be spending without her. His eyes filled with tears again as he trudged through the mess to his old bedroom. It was relatively untouched by the chaos outside, but the air was still thick and heavy and smelled disgusting.

He opened the top drawer of his old dresser, but then realized his backpack, the only luggage he owned, was at Kenny's. Levi pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes with another shuddering sob, and the hopelessness threatened once more to overwhelm him. What was the point? His mother and Kenny had always told him to do better, to finish high school and make something of himself, but would it actually make a difference? He slammed the drawer closed and sank down onto his old bed, elbows on his knees and face in his hands.

The apartment door opened again, and several voices, including Kenny's and Erwin's, filtered into the room. "This will take us the rest of the day," said Erwin, "but if you want us to just throw everything out, that's much more straightforward."

"Do it," said Kenny, and he strode towards Levi's room while Erwin started directing his crew bringing in equipment. "Let's get the fuck out of here, kid. Let them get to work." Levi looked up at his uncle with streaming eyes, and Kenny sighed impatiently. "Get your shit together and let's get going, come on." Levi tried to tell him he didn't have his backpack, that he didn't like the idea of leaving all these strangers in his childhood home, that he didn't want to go, but it all got stuck in his throat and he could only manage more tears. Kenny swore under his breath, but before he could say anything else, Erwin appeared on the threshold. Levi sniffed and glared up at him as fiercely as he could, but Erwin's expression was soft as ever.

"If you need more time you can stay here and help," he said, simply. Kenny looked back and forth between Levi and Erwin.

"Is that really okay?"

"Of course." Kenny shook his head.

"Just don't get under anyone's feet, all right? And don't you dare leave without me, I'll be back and get you later. I'll have my phone on me but I've got a whole bunch of shit to take care of today, so." He broke off and sighed gruffly. "Goddamn it, Kuchel… I never fucking gave up hope, you know!" Levi shuddered at his uncle's effusion of grief, while Erwin remained strong and unmoved, but still gentle.

"Of course you didn't," he said, firmly but kindly. "But hope is like any substance, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Kenny, in a constricted voice, "and we all need to be drunk on something to keep pushing on." He crossed the room, seized Levi by the upper arm and pulled him into a painfully tight hug. His noise of protest was muffled against his old trenchcoat, but he couldn't help but feel comforted, like he were still a little kid. Kenny let go of him, ruffled his hair and left without another word. Levi wiped his eyes, then looked to Erwin. "If there's anything you'd like to save, you can store it in my van. Otherwise get a mask and gloves and let's go."

"Did you take anything with you?" asked Eren. Levi's lip twitched.

"Just some old photos and this ring she wore sometimes." She always told Levi he could use it as an engagement ring, which had made him blush as a kid and sneer as a teenager. These days he kept it and the photos in a box in his chest of drawers, a last little connection to how he'd grown up. Eren nodded, trying to make sense of it, because jewelry wouldn't have occurred to him, but he wanted to understand Levi's story.

"How long did it take?"

"I can't remember. A while," said Levi, truthfully, because he'd found himself going on a kind of autopilot, following Erwin's directions and speaking only when spoken to. However, it was a relief to be doing something, to be productive and see the results so quickly. As more and more was cleaned and revealed, Levi remembered the apartment when his mother had been well, clean but cluttered, then imagined it spotless and unrecognizable for whoever moved in next. At this point, the apartment's future was clearer than Levi's own, and he knew yet another rush of hopelessness. As far as he knew he'd just keep going to work, maybe move out of Kenny's apartment, but then do what? Nothing besides day to day survival had ever held meaning for him, and now even that seemed like a total waste of time. Why the fuck had Kenny and his mother constantly told him to do better?!

"Are you in school, Levi?" asked Erwin, once all the furniture had been removed and his team was spraying the walls with detergent and bleach that stung his swollen eyes. Levi shook his head. "Working?" Levi nodded, then looked over Erwin's shoulder at the blood slowly sliding down the walls of his mother's bedroom, like dirt coming off windows in the rain. He knew a rush of revulsion and pressed his lips tightly together. "I'm so sorry," said Erwin, for what felt like the thousandth time, and yet again Levi just nodded.

They didn't speak again until the entire apartment was cleaned out. It was definitely in the best shape Levi had ever seen it, but it no longer felt like his and his mother's space. The gaping, vacuous chasm of grief was still wide open in his chest, but it was soothed a little to see the childhood home he'd be leaving so well taken care of. It felt like a real goodbye rather than abandonment, all the work he'd put in like an apology.

"Do you know where you're going from here?" asked Erwin.

"I hate that fucking question," muttered Eren, bitterly. "I never know what to say."

"I hear you," said Levi, sympathetically. "I had no idea what the fuck to say either." He paused a moment. "You must get that question a lot." Eren nodded, chewing on his lip, but as he looked into Levi's eyes, he knew again just how much he understood, and he felt again that deep sense of being soothed.

"Then what happened?"

"I just said I didn't fucking know," said Levi, quietly, except that he hadn't just said it. He'd shouted it. However,

"I was the same when my father died," said Erwin, totally unfazed. Levi turned away. He didn't want to hear this, even though he knew it was sincere. He was sure Erwin would tell him it would all be okay, but there was something deeply offensive about hearing that things would get better when they were just so fucking bleak. However, Erwin said nothing like that. Instead, he took one last look around the apartment and told Levi, "You did a really good job today. Thank you for your help." Levi shrugged, but Erwin pressed on. "I'm serious. If you want a job, let me know." Levi's eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but at that moment Kenny appeared on the threshold.

"Of course he did a good job. He's used to mess, like you saw." He inspected the apartment and seemed impressed, though not at all surprised, by the results. "The number of goddamn times I had to take him out of here…" He cleared his throat.

"I'll give you two a few minutes," said Erwin, and he left, though he caught Levi's eye one more time on his way out.

"You okay, kid?" asked Kenny. It was dark outside the windows now, and the street lights illuminated the last of that morning's snowstorm. "Of course you aren't," Kenny answered for him, and though Levi wanted to dispute this, he couldn't. "Listen," said Kenny, very seriously, taking Levi by the shoulders and staring him hard in the face. "If this isn't the moment you realize you're better than this, you're fucked." His eyes, so much like his sister's, flashed. "You don't have to go to college or whatever, but you've gotta do something. Don't get stuck in this mess, do you understand?" Levi didn't understand. What the fuck was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to do better for himself? He squared up, ready to argue with his uncle, but hadn't Erwin offered him a job ten minutes ago? Erwin, who so obviously understood and was strong and powerful and competent and intelligent and had given Levi this small service to sooth his grief? Could Levi also do that for someone? Was this his way forward? Levi blinked, and fresh tears slid down his face.

"I understand," he said, and saying it out loud lit a small, hopeful fire in his chest.

"That's fucking right," said Kenny, pulling him into a spine snapping hug and clapping him hard on the shoulder.

Levi led the way out of the apartment for the last time and found Erwin by his van, the wings logo on the side shimmering in the streetlights. "Oi," he said, boldly, striding towards him. "You said you'd hire me if I wanted, right? Fucking hire me." As if he'd been waiting for these exact words, Erwin actually smiled.

"When do you want to start?"

"Wow," breathed Eren, awed and inspired.

"It is what it is," said Levi. He felt strangely unblocked for having told the story, like when he'd finally told Hange a million years ago. "Erwin picks up a lot of strays, but I'm glad every day I was one of them." It was true. He had no idea what would have happened to him otherwise. Eren nodded, and as always Levi appreciated his solidarity. He took Eren's hand, and for a while neither of them spoke. The deck was empty now, and the only sounds were the breeze and the traffic.

"Levi?"

"Hm?"

"What if I worked with you?"

It took a moment for Levi to realize what Eren had said, but when it registered, alarms immediately went off in his head. 'Oh fuck no,' he thought, suddenly and sharply.

"No, that's such a good idea," Eren pressed on, but before he could actually picture it, Levi cut across him.

"Let's talk about it in the morning, okay?" Then, when Eren seemed ready for a fight, "Telling you all that shit tired me out." Eren's excitement deflated a little, but to Levi's immense relief and gratitude, he didn't argue.

"Fine," he muttered, chewing on his lip.

Levi couldn't explain at that moment, even to himself, why the idea was so off putting. Maybe because he didn't want to mix work and play like that, or maybe because he'd been so concerned with Eren's behavior over the last week, but he knew it would be a disaster and he wasn't willing to take it on. Rather than say this before he quite got his mind around it, though, Levi got to his feet and walked around the edge of the table, treading carefully in the shallows of Eren's tide. He gently cupped Eren's cheek, and all the light pollution reflected in his wild, beautiful eyes. "Let's go back inside." Eren nodded against his hand, his throat suddenly burning and entire body aching to be close to Levi.

They gathered their things and returned to Levi's apartment. Turning on as few lights as possible, they washed the teapot and mugs and got ready for bed. Once under the covers, Eren rolled onto his side and pressed himself up against Levi, his lips on his neck, chest against his back and knees in his like puzzle pieces. In the darkness, warm and safe and connected, Eren knew one thing, and spoke it out loud.

"I know I said I hate being asked about the future," he whispered, "but I know that whatever happens, I need to be close to you."

Levi said nothing, though his heart ached as his back caught the heat from Eren's chest.

Oof. That was a lot.

Are you all doing all right? I feel like I need to lie down.

What do you all think, though? Will this strengthen their relationship or spell destruction? And what about Armin and Mikasa while all of this is going on? Ugh this chapter is a beast and next week's will be too I think.

I hope you all have wonderful weekends, see you soon!

Leave me a review and I'll dedicate my heart to you!