Understudy

Author: Cheryl W

Author's Notes: I'm sorry it's been so long between updates.(Thanks to everyone who reached out to encourage me to continue!) I've been struggling with this chapter and decided to give you what I've written and make it more a three chapter arch than a planned on two. Hope you enjoy the update!

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Chapter 16: Past Lives Lost

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Ronon knew the nightmares would come, had felt the memories aching to break his control at the first sight of Tyre. Had been why he wanted to fight sleep but he knew he couldn't risk John's life on the morrow with slow reflexes. So he lay on the jumper's floor and let sleep claim him, dig her merciless claws into his mind, rip out the painful remembrances.

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The Wraith ship was run by a skeleton crew just as Tyre's intel had indicated. They had breached their security and maneuvered undetected through the organic corridors, the sensor in John's hand guiding them to the main computer. They met little resistance and handled the wraith soundlessly. It took little time for John to access the system using his Ancient DNA and then they were copying the files. It was on their way back to their jumper that they became surrounded in the woods. John's instincts recognized it had been a trap for them, his eyes swinging to Ronon's before they drifted to Tyre's with fury.

Ronon knew that pissed off look of John's and defended Tyre. He told John they were trapped right along with them, that they hadn't betrayed them…him. He had 100% faith in his Satedan friends.

"Actually we did betray you," Tyre drawled, his eyes as cold as Ronon's murderous commander's had once been when he sentenced half the lives in his garrison to death to save his own.

"What?" Ronon stammered, certain Tyre was being a martyr, assigning blame to himself out of guilt.

Tyre looked away from Ronon to Sheppard before returning to his friend. "Everyone has their price for survival, Ronon. Kell, the Satedan leaders…us…" hand waving out to include Ara and Rakai. "You don't know what it is like to be on the run, alone, lost without a home. You found…a place…a people to be a part of again. We have…had nothing.'

"And what do you have now?" Sheppard had growled, wondering how screwed they were.

"Allegiance to a cause bigger than our own. Assured survival in a universe where everyone's on the menu." Tyre actually gave a genuine pleased smile, like he thought Ronon and Sheppard would join him in celebrating his good fortune. "I can have children who will not live in fear, be free to continue the Satedan bloodlines. We will not be forgotten, our legacy will continue."

Ronon grabbed Trye, snarled, sword to his throat, "A legacy of traitors! Of cowards! Of betrayers! You should have died in Sateda a hero than lived to be this dishonorable creature."

Trye gave a sardonic sad smile. "Maybe but I did not. They did not. But he will die a hero," jerking his chin to behind Ronon. Fear tripping down his spine, Ronon looked over his shoulder, saw that Ara had a knife to John's neck. Turning back to Tyre he growled, "Tell her to let him go or I'll slit your throat right now!"

"So you've chosen a side…and it's not ours. Somehow I knew that the moment you arrived with him beside you. You gave him an allegiance you never gave anyone else, trust you never gave me," a sorrow in Tyre's look to match his words.

"Apparently I used to be a good judge of your character," Ronon snarled, hated that his blinded faith in Tyre was now putting John in danger.

Tyre snorted in laughter but nodded to Ara, who released John. "Aria will not harm your friend."

"Because the Wraith will, right? That's the deal? Give us over to them?" John growled, pissed he hadn't seen this coming.

"It is the deal," Trye said slowly, eyes on Ronon though, wanting his friend to recognize the situation for what is was. "But it doesn't have to be the outcome. Come with us, join us! With your resources …"

"You can betray more people, turn more lives to the Wraith, be just like our leaders who sold out our entire world?!" Ronon bit out in disgust, would never had perceived that Tyre would be so dishonorable, thought he knew him better than that.

"No, they saved most of us," Tyre denied, ached to reach out, connect with Ronon but knew his closeness would be seen as aggression not brotherhood. "And I now understand their choices, that it is better to save some than none at all, to live than to die. To serve…rather than to suffer eternal torment."

"You don't know about torment but I'll gladly show you," Ronon snarled, blade pressing against Tyre's throat, drawing a line of blood.

Tyre arched on his toes, trying to lessen the pressure of the blade. Voice effected by the impediment to his breath, he challenged, "Does his life then mean nothing to you?" eyes meaningfully flickering to John before coming back to pierce Ronon's. "If you want him to not be turned over to the Wraith, put down your sword, survive to fight another day."

"Do it," John ordered, understood they were backed into a corner and if Ronon killed Trye, they would have to contend with the 2 other Satedans and the approaching Wraith. Besides, they had escaped Wraith capture before..they'd just have to do it again with human captors this time. Should be a piece of cake…maybe.

Obeying John's order, Ronon lowered his sword from Tyre's throat and stepped back to be at John's side, to face whatever came next beside the man he loved like a brother.

"They will be here soon," Tyre quietly announced, eyes coming to rest on Sheppard. "They needed you to access the database with your blood, they were locked out."

"Son of a bitch," John growled lowly, didn't know the whole of the trap he'd merrily walked into before and hated himself for unknowingly aiding the Wraith.

"With that done, they will come for you, want to take you," Tyre calmly foretold, but it caused John and Ronon to go tense, as if they were hyping themselves up to do battle then and there. "They are very fascinated with the makeup of your blood, hope to find a way to corrupt the bloodlines, to kill any kin to the old ones and weaken any residential resistance your people have brought to the galaxy."

"My people won't take that lying down,…and neither will I,' Sheppard angrily vowed, felt Ronon stiffening at his side even as they heard the Wraith tightening their circle, coming closer. They would be there within a few minutes.

Tyre nodded in grim agreement of John's vow. "I suspect that to be true, now that I've met you, seen the respect Ronon has shown you," not criticism but respect in his words, his look that he was giving John. Then he turned to Ronon, his expression turning to one of pain, sorrow. "I would have liked our reunion to be different than this. I can only do one thing to honor the friendship we once had."

With those cryptic words, he thrust his sword into Sheppard's chest, skewering him through.

For all of Ronon's warrior instincts, he didn't attack, instead grabbed Sheppard as Tyre wrenched his sword free of the man, as Sheppard's legs crumbled under him. Sinking to the ground, Sheppard in his hold, Ronon drew the man unto his lap, pressed his hands against the gaping wound, leaned over his friend, watched as John tried to speak but only blood escaped with his every breath and the look in his eyes was dimming. "No! Sheppard stay with me! Sheppard! John!" Ronon screamed, holding John tighter in his arms, blood slicked hand coming to cup his brother's chin, as he demanded John to listen to his orders for once in his life. But the man's eyes were losing focus. John reached out for him, fingers skimming Ronon's jacket as if to hold on, make an effort to not leave Ronon, to finally obey one of his friend's orders but his hand couldn't perform the simple function of closing and soon fell limply on the ground as the light left his eyes.

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"Sheppard!" Ronon screamed, thrashing awake, the face in his dreams now hovering over him. He grabbed that specter, pressed his knife to its neck, wanting to kill the imposter for daring to wear his face, to make him hope…

John froze, didn't try to break Ronon's hold on him or dislodge the knife's edge at his throat. "Last I checked, we were on the same side," he quietly quipped, hoping to jar Ronon from the residuals of his night terror.

The voice, the smartassery was right but the eyes…weren't the same, were darker, more aged, dimmed with more pain, trauma, regret. And it broke through to Ronon: another John Sheppard, another universe's counter to his best friend, to the man he had walked into a trap and his former Satadan best friend had murdered while he helplessly watched.

Choking on a inhale, he dropped his shaking hand with the knife to the jumper floor. "I'm gonna be sick," he croaked out, surging off the ground and pushing by John and out the jumper doorway. He was true to his word and threw up in the nearest bushes. The memories too sharp, the reality of him nearly killing this John Sheppard with his own hands, the sick reenactment set to play out that day: it was more than he could stoically bear.

When he stood up, regained his hold on his stomach if not wholly over his emotions, John was seated on the landing of the Jumper, handed him a water bottle. But Ronon brushed aside the offered bottle, instead reached out and gently titled John's head up. "Shit!" he cursed rancorously at the sight of the blood, of the cut he had inflicted on John. "I'm sorry…"

"It's ok. If there's something I understand, it's night terrors," John calmly absolved Ronon.

"We have to treat it, not let it get infected," Ronon hurriedly said, meaning to stalk into the Jumper and get the medical supplies, but John put his leg out, blocking his path.

"You know I've had worse," John demurred, looking up at the guilt on Ronon's features. "Like way worse. Bullet to the .."

"Shut up," Ronon groused, didn't like those memories any more than the ones he'd woken from. And if John wouldn't let him tend the cut…he wanted to be close to him, assure himself he was whole so he claimed a seat beside John.

John looked to Ronon, expected words..but none came, well not from Ronon, felt himself talking before he really know what he would say, should say. "They aren't the same people, Ronon. We don't know if…"

"I know!" Ronon roared before shallowly repeating, heartbreak in his tone, "I know."

"I'm different than your Sheppard and they will have differences from your Tyre , Ara and Rakai. Whatever happened, they didn't do it. You can't make them pay for the others' sins." Gentled his tone when he gave his last example," Just like you never made me pay for your John's shortcomings."

That got Ronon to actually look at John. He didn't dispute John had had some failings but was curious what brought that thought to his Sheppard.

Reading the silent inquiry, John sighed, knew he'd have to carry the conversation on for the both of them. "He should have taught you to fly the 302s, hell, he should have had you lead your own team. He kept you…with him when you could have…"

"I was where I wanted to be," Ronon growled, needed this John to know that even as he wished he'd told his own John that, a thousand times over…in that last moment even.

But John saw it differently. "Where you wanted to be or where he wanted you to be? He stifled who you were…who you thought you could be."

"I didn't need my own team, to fly any ships. I just …" Ronon clenched his jaw, it was hard to form words for, to speak of, to let himself be vulnerable, even with this John. But he refused to make the same mistakes, in his openness with John..or with the day that they had ahead of them with his Satadan "friends". So his eyes earnestly holding John's, he let himself be vulnerable, truthful, loyal to his dead best friend long after that John could appreciate the sacrifice it felt like it was, admitting this, that he needed someone, needed his brother. "It was enough to have him, to go through everything together. To have a brother to watch over me…for me to watch over him. I never minded not being a leader."

"Again," John corrected. At Ronon's expectant look, he qualified, "You led in Sateda didn't you? Led Tyre and the others?"

"Yes."

Where there should have been pride was shame and John hated it, hated that Ronon was somehow blaming himself for whatever evil Tyre, Ara and Rakai had performed in Ronon's world. "But that doesn't mean you were responsible for their actions, their choices. Whatever Tyre did…"

Ronon surged to his feet, paced a few meters away from the jumper. "He killed Sheppard," he savagely growled, a wave of rage and sorrow coursing out of him,

John assumed as much by Ronon's earlier insistence that he protect himself. "Why?" he quietly asked.

Ronon gave an unhinged laugh, "To pay tribute to me …one last time."

John's face crinkled in confusion. "I don't understand…."

"He led John and me into a trap, had John unlock a computer with his blood unknowing that the Wraith couldn't access the computer without Ancient DNA. And then Tyre was supposed to turn us over to the Wraith, me for feeding and John for…for…" Ronon ran a shaky hand through his hair.

"For what?" John pressed because this was where people stopped being up front with him about what happened after you were captured by the Wraith.

And John's innocence, it ripped into Ronon, that he didn't know the danger he was in, that he never told him. "Experiments," he grimly announced, mind conjuring up the Wraith methods he had endured during his time with them before they made him a runner. "My John had strong Ancient DNA and they wanted to build a bio weapon against it, probably use him as their specimen."

"Do to him what we're doing to our Wraith prisoners," John quietly ventured.

Ronon looked sharply down to John, sensing his censure for their treatment of their prisoners. "They are the aggressors here! They kill or eat all in their path!"

Raising an appeasing hand, John demurred, "Hey, I'm just talking aloud here, not passing any judgements, ok."

"Sorry I'm…" Ronon quickly started to apologize as he shook his head. How could he verbalize what he was feeling, all the bitter painful memories coming back, mercilessly crowding out any good of the here and now! Seeing Tyre…another version of the man that had once been in John's steed in his affection, of his betrayal, the pain of it, the bottomless well of grief at losing John breaking down his barriers all over again. "John trusted me and I trusted Trye. John didn't want to go on the mission but I convinced him and then …" Ronon swallowed hard, knew this John should hear all of it, know the worst of it. "When Tyre revealed his betrayal," but his voice trembled, didn't think he could say the words, let John know the portion of blame that he deserved for his John's death.

"Tell me," John promptly gently, Ronon's eyes slowly came down to his again, were as troubled as John had ever seen them. "If we do have a deju vu moment today, I want to know how it played out last time."

As much as Ronon knew John was being logical and smart, it didn't make it any easier to force the repulsive words out of his dry mouth. "Tyre said…he was honoring my friendship…then he…he.." Ronon sank down beside John, let his shoulder rest against his friend's, knew his voice was a travesty of its usual fortitude when he brokeny gasped, "…stabbed him in the chest with his sword. John didn't…" Ronon shook his head, tears in his voice now, "…I held him, tried to…but …he died."

John drew in a shaky inhale and a noisy exhale. This was worse than he thought, understand how Ronon could interpret it as his fault. "In Tyre's eyes, killing Sheppard…sparing him being a wraith experiment…Tyre was honoring your friendship."

A sob burst from Ronon and he nodded his bowed head, put his hands up to cover his face, hide his shame, his culpability in John's death. "It didn't…have to end that way! John…he …he always found a way….would have…escaped the Wraith."

John was gutted by Ronon's pain, put a hand on his friend's heaving back. "Everyone's luck runs out, Ronon," he gently but bleakly declared. "Mine did in Afghanistan…your Sheppard's would have too. You have to see the real possibility that he might not have escaped, would have spent months…years being…tortured. I've been…tortured… and it's not something you want to ever face again."

Ronon's head had snapped up at that confessional, demanded, "When?!"

"Afghanistan. The rescue attempt…My passengers and my copilot were killed and I…wasn't." Regret there at that outcome, both sides of the coin of it.

"I never knew that," Ronon breathlessly returned, surprised eyes now holding John's even as his jaw was clenched in anger that this John had endured that.

"It's a footnote on the 'Sheppard murders thirteen people' news story," John cynically replied, before his tone morphed into self-loathing. "Inconsequential. No more than what I deserved. So I know how humans torture other humans, it's…like evil is right there in the room with you. I wouldn't wish it on that John…would you?" he gently asked, saw Ronon stiffen as if he'd struck him.

"No," Ronon choked out with raw horror and the beginnings of repugnant acceptance. Suddenly so very emotionally spent, he folded his tall frame down to sit beside John's comforting presence, a thousand emotions still jarring to be felt thrumming through him. Quietly he sorrowfully declared, "But it…could have ended…differently."

But John couldn't allow Ronon the mercy of drowning in happy what ifs, knew firsthand how much damage that game did on a soul. "It didn't, though. Just like Afghanistan didn't for me. It….destroys who you thought you were but it…can't be changed."

Ronon faced John with steely resolve. "It won't happen again! Not today, not to you. I won't let it!"

John had faith in Ronon but fate…she was a cruel mistress. She would get a howling laugh at doing a repeat on Ronon, to make him lose another Sheppard, to break him all over again. And John found he wouldn't let that happen either, that the merciless witch of fate had another thing coming if she though he'd play a part in hurting Ronon, of letting the man take on more guilt that was never his to bear.

He'd survive the day to save Ronon more pain and to royally screw fate over. Loyalty and revenge, he had once known them well, they had been his bunkmates in Afghanistan, comforting him and condemning him both. But he didn't care how letting those conflicting demons within him lose again would scar him, only Ronon mattered. Only saving Ronon's soul mattered.

"I'm not dying today, Ronon," he fervently vowed, reached out and gave Ronon's shoulder a squeeze, saw the need, the want in Ronon's eyes to believe him. "As much as you want me to be your John, I'm not him. His fate..it won't be mine. I'm nobody's martyr," he quipped with a cynical smirk, knew his soul was too tainted for his death to be anyone's rally to achieve something good. His death, like his life, would only bring more bad to the world..well, Ronon's world anyway because the guy was a sap and was hopelessly attached to him, regardless of how many ways he'd failed to be like his dead best friend.

"You don't have to be like him," Ronon corrected John's assumption that was what he expected from him, needed from him. "What you are, who you are, John, is just fine with me. Has been for a long while now," smiled to convey the warm of his regard for this John, so like his own brother but now with differences he treasured. "But you do have to be the stubborn idiot I know you to be and don't do what's expected of you," because that was what made the Sheppards so exceptional as soldiers, their lack of conforming to the rules of engagement, their ability to outthink and con their enemies, of being wily SOBs.

John's smile was slow in coming but all wily Sheppard. "Can I have that in writing because I think you'll renege on having ever said that and McKay wouldn't believe you gave me carte blanch to go be rogue."

Ronon laughed, gave his best friend in this universe a playful shove on the shoulder, "Shut up. McKay has no business learning about a private conversation between just us."

"Oh I don't know. It would make good future leverage when I need you to let me do something you disapprove of," John smugly taunted.

Ronon couldn't help smiling back, was feeling hope rekindled again, here by this John's side and with John speaking of a future, one they'd share together. All they had to do was survive a reprisal of Ronon's worst day of his life. Easy, no problem, done deal.

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TBC

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