Chapter 3: Screw-Up
The place 494 has assigned us is a five-room affair with a living room, kitchen, two bedrooms, and a bathroom, on the first floor of a four-story building. It's rather run-down, but surprisingly spacious under the circumstances and it's obvious that someone has made an effort to make it inhabitable. A mattress has been placed in each bedroom and a tattered sofa occupies the living room. A table with only three chairs instead of the standard four takes up the kitchen area and a shower curtain has been hung up in the bathroom. I'm frankly impressed by the work that's been done considering the number of buildings that similar arrangements must have been done to in order to house all the transgenics in Terminal City. Obviously Max hasn't lied about everyone doing their part.
After 494 left, Kira and I decide to go back to our old place and collect the few possessions we own. Given how I've been keeping us almost constantly on the move, we don't have much and it will only take us a moment to bug out of that space. We report to Max to inform her of our plan. She gives her permission reluctantly and with firm instructions to make it a quick snatch and grab. I assure her that, unlike 494, we don't plan on taking any detours.
It's not terribly difficult to acquire our things and return without being noticed by the police, but it is certainly harder than normal. I listen in on some of the talk around the fence while we wait for the right moment to sneak back inside. Apparently, they are in a standoff with the transgenics that has been holding for almost a week now. So far all they can do is patrol the perimeter to try and keep the "freaks" contained. I bristle a little at the thought of this place as a cage rather than a sanctuary, but force myself to push the thought aside for now.
Kira and I manage to evade detection, by the normal human patrols, at least. The second we're back within Terminal City, a transgenic reveals themselves, signaling for us to identify ourselves. After so long on the run, my adrenaline spikes at the sight of an armed transgenic, but I force myself to stay calm. Luckily, even if we are still too new to be recognized on sight, this perimeter guard seems familiar with our designations. She lowers her weapon and gestures for us to follow her away from the perimeter. Once safely out of range of detection, she introduces herself.
"You must be the pair Alec brought in earlier. Command said you'd stepped out to grab a couple things and to keep an eye out for you. I'm Sierra." she says, shifting the M4 carbine she's carrying to her shoulder and offering her hand.
I don't recognize her from Manticore, but she's clearly also an X5. I resist the urge to ask her designation, knowing from Max's reaction earlier that it's a habit I'll have to break.
Kira and I introduce ourselves, but don't linger. Sierra is clearly on duty and I'm already feeling overwhelmed and craving some time to process. So, after she promises to let Command know we've returned safely, we move off and return to our new quarters.
Not long after we return, Kira announces that she's exhausted and retreats into one of the bedrooms. I don't blame her at all. We've certainly had quite a night. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a sleeper normally and with all the thoughts racing around in my head, sleep doesn't even seem like a remote possibility. So, I stretch out on the sofa instead, intent on a mental debriefing. However, despite my intention of starting with the facts we've learned about this brave, new world Kira and I have found ourselves in, my mind turns almost immediately to 494.
"You're not free. You won't ever be free. None of us ever could be. Not with that barcode on your neck. At least at Manticore you're accepted for what you are. That's more freedom than you'll ever find out here."
He'd been right in a way, all those months ago, when he told me we'd never truly be free. Always running, always hiding...if it hadn't been for Kira, I might not have been able to endure it. And now, even though I've found myself once again behind a fence with guards patrolling the perimeter, it's different. This time, here in Terminal City, it's not containment, but protection. Inside the defenses of this place, I don't need to hide who I am. And not just the genetically engineered freak branded with a barcode that the outside world can't understand, but also the person with feelings and desires that Manticore tried to destroy. Because that's what 494 had been wrong about. Even at Manticore, we'd still been hiding.
494. He obviously turned over his CO status to 452/Max, one of the '09 escapees. I can accept her despite the lingering remnants of Manticore's brainwashing that makes the words "traitor" and "rat" float through my subconscious whenever I think about her because I'm no better. It surprises me, though, that 494 is so comfortable with her. The twins of that unit have more reason to hate them than anyone.
I almost shake my head as if I can shake clarity into my thoughts. 452 makes sense to me. She'd gained her freedom, managed eleven years on the outside now, and decided to share her freedom with her fellow transgenics. I didn't know the circumstances, but I understood the compulsion. I'd felt it myself. It's why I had taken Kira with me (although deep down, I also know that part of my motives had been purely selfish: I was scared to be alone) and it was why I had wanted to share my freedom with 494. But 494 himself is completely incomprehensible to me. His submissive but playful attitude towards 452, his casual disregard about blowing off his assigned mission, it's all so out of character for the 494 that I thought I knew.
And yet, nothing about this new 494 diminishes him in my eyes. It's as if these changes, while chipping away at his perfect soldier persona, are revealing some even deeper facet to him beyond anything I've glimpsed before. Maybe it's the feline DNA, but I find myself horribly curious about the 494 that was buried under first cold eyes and then tumultuous ones.
"Honey, I'm home."
494's voice startles me. I jump up from my position on the sofa and instinctively ready myself for anything before my brain catches up with my reflexes and I relax. He smirks at my reaction to his arrival.
"Did you miss me?" he asks, winking at me.
He sets down a large bucket of gas and comes over to sit on the arm of the sofa. I slowly lower myself back onto the center cushion.
"Startled you, did I?" he questions with a grin, then adds as if to congratulate himself, "Still got it."
I'm about to reply when Kira stomps angrily out of the left-hand bedroom. She glares at me, pointedly avoiding looking at 494 like she's still not accustomed to his presence and therefore cannot acknowledge his existence at all.
"Some of us need to sleep once in a while." she growls.
"Sorry." I offer.
"Some of us enjoyed the no fraternizing after lights out rule." she continues.
"Sorry." I say again.
"Some of us..." she pauses and her eyes snap to 494 when she realizes he's mocking her by making talking motions with his hand and making an aggravated face.
494 freezes when he realizes he's been caught. I bite back a smile, knowing it will only make things worse, but also surprised to find myself feeling the impulse to smile in the first place. It's not an expression I'm used to making.
Kira looks about to snap at 494. She opens her mouth, but no words come out. So instead, she spins on her heel and goes back to bed. I guess maybe she can't bring herself to snap at a former CO. 494 just looks amused.
"She sounds like Max." he comments, gazing after her.
"She doesn't like her sleep interrupted." I explain.
494 turns back to me, slipping off the arm of the sofa and onto the seat cushion next to me. He reclines casually, stretching an arm out across the back of the furniture.
"So, Jess. How's the outside been treating you?" he asks conversationally.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you."
Why did I say that? Am I defective?
"I have that effect on people." he grins.
I shake my head and continue despite the fact that I still don't know why I'm telling him any of this.
"I couldn't shake that look in your eyes. And I was worried about you. I know I shouldn't have, you can take care of yourself, but I couldn't help it because whatever happened to you would be because of me."
"We talked about this already." he interrupts, but I stubbornly press on.
"It was like I'd gotten back at you even though I didn't want to anymore. It was like...because I wanted to hurt you so badly before, it had to happen no matter how much I wanted to stop it then. And you...you were so tortured already. I didn't know..." I pause to take a deep breath before forcing myself to continue. I don't really know why but I feel like I have to share my feelings with 494, no matter how difficult it is, "You were always so much better than me at everything. The only thing I seemed to have over you was that I could feel, feel like they didn't want us to. But then, all of a sudden, you could do that better than me, too, and because of how much better you were, you were in so much more pain. I felt bad for not being able to shoulder that much pain, not being able to at least understand it. I never even knew we could love."
I feel my voice breaking and have to pause again. My eyes are fixed firmly on my hands in my lap. I can't bear to chance a look at his face.
"Jess..." 494 begins quietly.
"I wanted to save you." I continue quickly, afraid that if he stops me now, I'll never be able to get it all out, "But I couldn't. Chalk up another failure to 613. But the worst part was, I couldn't feel bad for myself after seeing how much pain you were in."
I feel tears escaping my eyes and curse myself silently. I just don't understand this. Everything between me and 494, it's just such a confusing jumble of emotions that I can't begin to sort out. Do I hate him? Envy him? Admire him? Pity him? Until I saw him again, I hadn't even realized just how much he means to me. I never even expected to see him again. I'm not sure whether it's good or bad that I have.
I'm startled once again by the feeling of his arms folding around me. He doesn't hold me tightly, ready to withdraw at a moment's notice, but the gesture overflows with meaning and I instantly change my mind. No, this has to be a good thing, me finding him again.
"I'm sorry." he whispers.
"Please, don't." I reply, instantly feeling terrible that he feels he has to apologize to me. I wipe quickly at the tears on my face, struggling to pull myself together, wishing I could erase this moment of weakness from both our memories.
"No, I am." he insists, "I never meant to make a lasting impact on anyone. Just a brief moment in a long list of memories. Somehow I screwed up with you."
He stops speaking abruptly and I finally look up at him questioningly. He releases me from his arms and folds them across his chest instead, turning his face away, clearly uncomfortable.
"You, Max,...Rachel. I screwed up with all of you and all of you got hurt."
I stiffen in shock as my sharp eyes catch a slight tremble in his body.
"494?" I venture, searching for his gaze.
His eyes turn hesitantly back to me. He looks so lost, confused, hurt...vulnerable, I realize with a start. But it's only a second before he tears his eyes away again.
"I try to do the right thing. I try not to let anyone get hurt, but somehow I keep screwing up. It seems like all I do is screw up!" he pounds a fist into the arm of the sofa in frustration.
I'm confused. Perfect 494, a screw-up? No, that's not right. I'm the screw-up, not him. Something is wrong with the world if that's not true.
Softly, I start to speak again, careful with my words, "You didn't screw up with me. You...opened my eyes. You changed me. I'm glad you requested that assignment, 494."
He looks at me again and I can see that he wants to believe me, but he's afraid there's no truth to my words. I don't know how to convince him, so I just stare back, meeting his gaze, hoping he'll see the sincerity in my eyes.
"Alec." he corrects softly, once again.
"Alec." I repeat, but this time it feels like agreement.
Suddenly, I feel his lips brushing mine and before I can process what has happened, my mind flashes back to the last time 494 kissed me.
"You're not my type."
"Are you sure?"
Before I could answer he was kissing me. He was shockingly good at it, too. Not that I had much to compare it to, but judging by the way my whole body seemed to be short-circuiting despite my instructions to remain unaffected, I figured he knew what he was doing.
But this is nothing like that aside from the fact that once again I'm frozen in place, unsure how to react.
"I'm sorry." he says quickly, practically leaping away from me.
I want to tell him not to go, but I can't seem to speak. Instead, I watch helplessly as he bolts out the door.
Why did he do that? Is he just feeling like wasting time again? But, if that's it, why did he apologize and take off? I stop myself from touching my lips and force my hand back down to my lap with a sigh. As if I'm not already confused enough.