Chapter 4: Kiss
I remain on the sofa for the rest of the night, unable to sleep. My mind just keeps replaying what happened a few hours previously in torturous detail.
"Alec." he corrected softly, once again.
"Alec." I repeated, but this time it felt like agreement.
Suddenly, I felt his lips brushing mine.
I imagine that my lips still tingle from the contact. I raise my hand to my mouth, remembering how soft his lips were.
No. I shake my head firmly, leaping to my feet, and begin to pace. What is wrong with me? It's not like I've never been kissed before. Hell, it's not even like he's never kissed me before. This isn't like me. I'm a trained soldier, damn it! I can't lose my head over something like this, not when I have so many more important things to worry about.
But this is Alec.
I stop pacing abruptly, realizing that I actually just thought of him as Alec and not 494. Shaking my head again, I resume pacing. I'm so caught up in my own mind, I don't even notice Kira's awake until she speaks.
"What's wrong?"
I jump and spin around. Frankly, I'm getting pretty tired of being startled. Some X5.
Glancing quickly at the partially boarded-up window, I see that sunlight is streaming through the space between the boards. I lost track of time, which is also not like me.
"Nothing." I lie.
Kira gazes at me levelly, unconvinced.
"494." I admit under the weight of her stare.
She sighs and shakes her head. I know that she thinks my fixation on 494 isn't good, that it's unhealthy for me to be so obsessed with the man who was sent to capture us, the man I once hated. Maybe she's right, but I just can't help it.
"Don't start with me again, Kira." I say before she can say all the things I know she's thinking "I need to be alone."
With that, I leave, practically sprinting for the door. Kira will be angry with me for taking off so abruptly, I know that, but I don't care. I really do need to be alone.
I seek out a tall building and climb to the top. I'm somewhat concerned that the dilapidated complex isn't structurally sound, but it holds my weight. I watch as the sun rises over Terminal City, focusing on keeping my mind a pleasant blank.
"613."
I turned my head on my bunk to look at 772. I'd been released back to my unit earlier, but this is the first chance we've had to talk, after lights-out.
"What?" I whispered back at her.
"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"Fine."
We lapsed into silence for about five minutes before 772 spoke up again.
"Was it 494?"
My jaw clenched angrily.
"Yes." I managed to hiss back my response
"Was he as good as they say?"
I tried not to be furious with her.
"Did you miss my limp?"
"Of course not. But you fought him, right?"
"Of course I fought him. I didn't throw myself on that rock."
"How was he?" she asked, her voice brimming with curiosity.
"Shut up, 772."
I rolled over on my bunk, turning my back to her.
"Was he fast?" she pressed.
"I'm going to sleep. I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay, 613. I'm sorry." she finally relented.
I grunted angrily.
"It was just an exercise, you know." she muttered, evidently confused by my reaction, "Accidents happen."
I ground my teeth together and didn't respond.
I take a deep breath and dispel the unbidden memory. Even back then Kira hadn't understood my feelings towards 494. She hadn't understood why I was so furious at him. And, as time passed, she continued to not understand my growing hatred for him.
"What's the matter?" 772 whispered to me as we stood in line, waiting for our turns on the shooting range.
At first I didn't reply. I had just completed more extra PT, yet another punishment for my inability to keep up with the rest of my unit. My body just wouldn't function like I wanted it to. And it was all 494's fault.
"613?"
"It's that 494." I growled finally.
"What are you talking about?"
"It's his fault that I can't meet the standards."
"What?"
"He didn't have to damage me so badly. All of this is his fault."
"You're being irrational." she cautioned.
"I hate him."
"What did you say?" she asked in surprise.
"Nothing. Nevermind."
Kira and I have always been very different. It's really rather strange that we are such good friends. I have always been irrational, stubborn, incompetent yet doggedly persistent. She's always been logical, intelligent enough to be flexible, competent but not outstanding. Kira was always the average soldier at Manticore and she worked to maintain that status. She never wanted to stand out. I, on the other hand, strove to be exceptional, but constantly found myself on the other end of the spectrum.
I wonder what the rationale was when they teamed us up. It's not like Manticore cared that she was my friend. Regardless, whatever impulse had led them to make us a two-man recon and intelligence team, it's what made it possible for us to escape...was it almost a year ago? Somehow it seems like so long ago and simultaneously like it was just yesterday.
"Fancy meeting you here."
I try not to show my surprise at 494's presence. I continue to stare straight ahead, remaining seated, back straight.
"What're you thinking about?" he asks and I feel him sit down next to me.
"Who said I was thinking about anything?" I reply.
I glance over at him, trying to be surreptitious. He's smiling slightly, looking out at Terminal City just as I was.
"It's what we do. We go off alone and think. Max climbs the Space Needle. Joshua busts out the painting stuff. You come up here." he shrugs.
"What do you do?" I wonder, not sure if I really expect him to answer.
"Me? I sit in my apartment and turn up the tube."
"Doesn't the noise bother you?"
I'm avoiding the topic and we both know it.
"Nah. It's just background fuzz. Besides, I like hearing people around."
I nod in sudden understanding. Growing up in Manticore, we were never really alone. There were always others around: instructors, scientists, guards, but most importantly, the other members of our unit. As we got older, units were broken up more and more as each soldier got their assignments. For me, a subpar X5, there weren't as many missions and I was never trusted with a solo op. I was always part of a team. So choosing to be alone with my thoughts was something like a luxury, something that I'd only been able to indulge in after my escape.
For 494, on the other hand, solitude must have been a regular part of his life at Manticore. Dragged away from his unit for those stints in PsyOps and then all those solo missions. For him, the experience of being cocooned in the sounds of other people must bring back some old feelings of safety amidst his unit mates, however relative such a feeling was within the walls of that facility.
"So, you were thinking?" he insists, dragging me back to the present.
I sigh. I should have known he wouldn't let me avoid the question for too long.
"I was thinking about 772, Kira."
"What about her?" he asks curiously.
"We've never really understood each other, but we've always been friends." I explain, "She doesn't understand why I don't just forget about you."
"Well, why don't you?"
"I've tried." I admit, "But I can't. I don't know how, I guess."
"Right back at you."
"What?" I ask, looking at him, not sure what he means.
He holds my gaze for a moment before looking back out at the horizon.
"I've tried to forget about you, too. Can't." he shrugs, nonchalant, like it's no big deal.
"Forget me?" I ask, wondering why the thought of him doing so bothers me so much.
He shifts uncomfortably next to me, "Every time I thought about you, it reminded me of how close I was to becoming a traitor, just like my twin. But, I guess the worst thing was, it reminded me of my feelings for Rachel. Something I've tried very hard to forget."
"I'm sorry."
"For the millionth time, don't be." 494 says adamantly, frustration coloring his tone.
The silence that follows is uncomfortable. To break it, I ask the first thing that comes to mind, "So, how'd you meet up with 452?"
494 laughs softly.
"Actually, I met her in the breeding program."
My eyes widen in surprise. I'd nearly forgotten about that.
"She had just gotten herself captured and reindoctrinated. I knew I was in for trouble the minute I got the assignment. I mean, she'd been out for ten years. It's not like I wanted to do the dirty with her. I walked in, told her what was up, explained my orders, you know, and what does she do? She tries to kick my ass! Then, she goes and names me Alec, on account of my smart alec remarks. I gave up on her, of course. I mean, she was clearly psychotic. But orders are orders, so I came back later only to find that she was trying to escape again. Apparently, she'd been staying up all night and digging loose the bricks under her bunk. I caught her as she was sneaking back in from God knows where. I reported her to Director Renfro because what else could I do? Well, the Director cooks up this plan to allow Max to escape so Manticore can use her to get to Eyes Only. You know, the guy with the cable hacks. He was on a hard-core anti-Manticore campaign at the time and she was worried the higher-ups would go berserk if he did something stupid like give away the location of the facility. So when Max broke out with me along for the ride, of course, she went straight to Mr. Computer Geek. Unfortunately, good ole Manticore fitted her out with a retrovirus targeted to his DNA. Renfro's idea of a sick joke, I think, making Max the unwitting assassin. Anyway, I told her she had to turn Eyes Only over to Manticore and turn herself in, too, to get the cure for him, but instead of surrendering, she ran back thinking, I don't know, she could steal the cure or something. I guess Renfro didn't appreciate her calling her bluff because she gave orders to cauterize the site. Somehow Max managed to free everybody and snag just enough antidote to save Eyes Only's life and be all heroic. That's kinda Max for you in a nutshell, all dramatic and heroic. She's got this 'the world is against me, but I'm gonna save it anyway' thing going on. She's frustrating and confusing like that. Always yelling at me and saying 'I'll kick your ass, Alec' or 'you're a lowlife, screw-up, Alec' or 'why are you always ruining my life, Alec?' I ruined her life? She's the one who dumped me on my ass on the outside. Not that I'm complaining, but geez. You'd think she'd be a little more sympathetic. Especially, after all the crap I've done for her. But no, the only stuff that matters is the stuff I do wrong." 494 stops suddenly, realizing, I suppose, that he's gone on kind of a diatribe and that I'm still there. He offers me another of those startling sheepish smiles, "Sorry. Kinda got a little caught up there."
"Sounds complicated."
"You can say that again."
"So, after all that, what made you stay here?"
"Actually, I split at first. I was crashed at this motel when I saw this rag-tag bunch of young Xs wander in and I knew there was gonna be trouble. They were following a signal to regroup. I told them the signal was fake, that Manticore wasn't attacked, tried to convince them that whatever was left of Manticore wanted them dead to cover their tracks, but they wouldn't listen. Meanwhile, Max saw the same signal, figured her fellow transgenics were in 'dire peril,' and came to the rescue. She saved the dummies I found and when they regrouped, we ran into each other. Just my luck, the X7 with them turned us in and we got caught in a big fight with White's men and a bunch more X7s. Maxie got her little self caught and somehow infected the teenage Xs with her hero complex. They decided to go off and save her, which, of course, was just suicide. There was no way those kids could pull off the job alone. So, I followed them. I don't know, I guess I figured I owed her one. Anyway, I freed Max and helped her to change the signal to tell all the transgenics to go to ground. That's when I decided to go with Maxie back to Seattle. You know, check it out, see the sights. Been here ever since." 494 finishes his monologue with a simple gesture at the city stretched out before us.
His tone seems to suggest that he doesn't really care much about any of it, but I know better. It's obvious that he feels pretty strongly about 452. He wouldn't have stuck around if he didn't. Something twists in the pit of my stomach at that thought, but I ignore it.
"She's pretty special, huh?" I ask, surprised to hear that my voice sounds almost bitter. What is my problem?
"Who, Maxie? Yeah, I guess. Considering she's supposed to be the savior of the world or some crap like that."
"Excuse me?" I ask, wondering if somehow I've misheard him.
"I don't know. These weird runes started showing up on her that I guess say something about the meek getting the planet and she's the chosen one. Don't ask me. All I know is that if she's some kind of savior, we could sure use her."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, things have gone crazy around here. Ordinaries hate us. Whatever, they're jealous, I get it. But the cops have been finding new ways of hunting us down, tracking us by our body heat since transgenics run a little higher than normal, and people have started forming these gangs to keep the streets clean of 'trannies.' Friend of mine was killed a few days ago." he pauses to regain control over the pain that's become evident in his face, "That's why we have to be so careful. It's risky out there. The less you're seen, the better."
"You weren't too worried about being seen last night at that club." I remind him.
"Yeah, that." he rubs the back of his neck again, a self-conscious gesture that seems so strange from him and yet somehow suits him as well, "I shouldn't have been doing that. Don't do as I do. I was just...going stir crazy, you know. Had to get out, do something...or someone. Don't tell Max."
I'm surprised by the fact that his last sentence is a plea and not a command. I nod mutely. I didn't realize it was so bad.
"About that kiss." 494 says without warning, keeping his eyes straight forward.
"What about it?" I manage to ask, careful to keep any emotion out of my voice, making it sound like I don't care.
"I wasn't thinking." he says.
"Of course not." I agree.
"It didn't mean anything."
"Nothing."
"Never even happened."
"Exactly."
The word has barely passed my lips when 494 whips around, almost faster than even my enhanced eyes can track, and smashes his mouth against mine. This time it's heated, passionate, closer to that first kiss he gave me. Only this time I respond, immediately lifting my hand to the back of his head and tangling my fingers in his hair as I kiss him back.
"I don't...know why...I'm doing this." 494 says against my lips in between kisses.
"Me...neither." I respond.
"We should...stop." he suggests without making any move to do so.
"Probably." I agree, also not about to make any such attempt.
Suddenly, a loud tapping noise assaults my ears. 494 and I both freeze, abruptly halting our exploration of each other's mouths, and slowly turn our heads to the side. An irate-looking Kira stands before us, arms crossed over her chest and her foot tapping angrily.
"I've spent half an hour looking for you." she says, her voice clipped.
"I told you I wanted to be alone." I reply, knowing as soon as the words leave my mouth that they won't help my case.
"You don't look alone."
"Damn. I was hoping I was invisible." 494 mumbles.
"You." Kira's eyes lock on 494, "You have been nothing but trouble for her."
"Yeah, sounds like me." he agrees with a hint of a grin.
"You've done nothing but hurt her and confuse her."
"I didn't mean..."
"Bullshit." she snaps.
"You two are a lot alike when you're mad." he comments and I remember that I once cut him off with that same comment when we argued about him hurting me on that training exercise.
"Shut up."
Kira spins on her heel and looks like she's about to storm off, but she stops at the edge of the roof.
"I know you think that you're the one who has to protect me, Jess." she says, her back to me and her voice low, "But right now I really think that you're the one who needs protecting."
With that she disappears over the edge of the building. I stare at the spot she last occupied.
"She thinks you need to be protected from me." 494 tries to sound amused, but I detect the hurt in his voice.
"She doesn't understand."
"I don't even understand." he admits.
"She only remembers who you were in Manticore. She remembers your reputation, all the stories we heard about your missions. But you're not that person anymore...are you?" I look at him questioningly.
"Yes and no. Not completely. Not anymore. But he's still there. Ready when I need him. 494, the good soldier." he makes a face.
"Alec?" I ask after allowing him a moment with his thoughts.
"Yeah?"
"About that kiss."
"Yeah?" he asks, more apprehensively this time.
"It was good..."
He beams.
"...but you're still not my type." I finish, grinning as I stand and leave a now mystified-looking 494 behind on the rooftop.
Pleased with myself for finally not being the one left agape after our encounter, I descend the side of the building, thinking that now I just have to track down Kira and make amends with my friend before she has time to sulk. I try not to think about how my parting comment to 494, to Alec, felt like a lie.