A/N #1: This chapter contains spoilers from 'Always.' It will start right after the argument.

Just Keep Breathing

Chapter 8

Martha looked up from her tablet when she heard the door open. Richard walked into the loft and immediately made his way over to his liquor cart, where he poured himself a large tumbler of Scotch. "You're back early," Martha commented. "Let me guess that things didn't go well with Katherine."

"No, they did not," he took a large gulp of his drink. "We're done."

"Oh, Richard. What happened?"

"I told her about the man who contacted me. I told her what he said about what would happen if she kept pursuing her mothers' killers. She's angry because I kept it from her. She doesn't understand that I was just trying to keep her safe."

"She thinks that you're treating her like a child."

"Yeah," he came over and sat down. "In fact, she said those exact words. Mother, if she and Espo don't let this go, someone is going to die."

"Maybe it's time that you talk to Capt. Gates."

"I don't want to do that. If I do that, then Ryan is going to get in trouble, too."

"And she'll kick you out of the precinct," Martha said, stating the obvious.

"Well, that parts done. I'm not going back. I can't stand by and watch Kate disappear down the rabbit hole."

"I'm sure that with some time to put things into perspective, Katherine will see that you were just watching out for her."

"Yeah, maybe. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for her apology," he got up and walked toward his office.

Castle sat down at his desk, turning his laptop on. It had been a horrible argument. The worst that they had ever had. It had started after the boys had seen that Beckett's shooter had been holding a key chain in his hand. It could be seen in the surveillance footage from the church. Castle knew that he had to make Kate see reason before she got herself killed. He drove over to her apartment and knocked on her door.

She opened the door, surprised to see him standing there.

"Hey," she greeted him.

"Hey," he answered back.

"I just got off the phone with Esposito. Our killer had a key chain, and he matched it to Eastway Car Rentals."

"That could be any one of a thousand cars," Castle pointed out to her.

"I know. It's a needle in a haystack, but at least it's a haystack. And they keep most of their licenses on file."

"Kate—"

"Yeah, he's probably using a fake ID, but we should be able to narrow it down from the—"

"Kate!" Castle said her name a little louder this time.

"What's wrong?"

He cleared his throat and looked into the brown eyes of the woman that he loved more than anything in this world. He knew how much finding her shooter and the co-conspirators behind her mother's murder meant to her, but he couldn't bear facing a world without her in it. He had to stop her. "You have to stop. This investigation . . . you have to stop."

"Castle, we've already talked about this. I'm fine. I'm in control."

"No, you're not. They are. And if you don't stop, they will kill you, Kate."

"What're you talking about?"

"Before Montgomery went into that hangar, he sent a package to someone. Someone he trusted. It contained information damaging to the person behind all this. Montgomery was trying to protect you, but the package didn't arrive until after you were shot. Montgomery's friend struck a deal with them. If they left you alone, that package and the information inside would never see the light of day. But they made one condition. You had to back off. And that's the reason you're alive, Kate. Because you stopped."

Kate was staring at Castle as if she no longer knew him. "How do you know this?" She asked, terrified of hearing the answer. The answer she was praying she wasn't about to hear.

"In order for the deal to work, someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it."

"Are you a part of this?"

"I was just trying to keep you safe."

"By lying to me about the most important thing in my life?"

"That lie was the only thing that was protecting you!"

"Castle, I didn't need protection. I needed a lead. And you sat on it for a year. Now, who is this person? How do I find him?"

"He's a voice on the phone. He's a . . . shadow in a parking garage."

"You met with him? How do you know he's not behind my mother's murder? How do you know he's not involved? And how the hell could you do this?"

"Because I love you!"

"Are you kidding me? You're actually going to bring this up right now? After you just told me that you've betrayed me?"

"Kate, listen to me—"

"Listen to you? Why should I listen to you? How am I supposed to trust anything that you say?"

"How are you—" Castle was dumbfounded. "Because of everything we've been through together! Four years! I've been right here! Four years just waiting for you to just open your eyes and see that I'm right here. And I'm more than a partner. Every morning, I bring you a cup of coffee just to see a smile on your face. Because I think that you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating woman I've ever met in my life. And I love you, Kate, and if that means anything to you . . . if you care about me at all, just don't do this."

"If I care about you? Castle, you cut a deal for my life like I'm some kind of a child. My life! Mine! You don't get to decide!"

Now he was pissed off. He hadn't been mad at anyone like this in years. "You keep going with this, they're gonna decide. They're going to come for you, Kate."

"Let them come! They sent Coonan, and he's dead. They sent Lockwood, and he's dead! And I am still here, Castle! And I am ready!"

"Ready for what? To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate. They've turned it into a war."

"If they want a war, then I will bring them a war. Straight to their doorsteps!"

"Well, I guess there's nothing else I can say, is there? Okay. Yeah, you're right, Kate. It's your life. You can throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you, so this is over. I'm done."

Castle sat down in his chair and wiped at his eyes. Why in the hell did she have to be so damn stubborn? "Dad?" He looked up and saw Alexis standing in the office doorway.

"Hey, sweetie," he took a deep breath and forced himself to smile. "How's the speech writing going?"

"Don't ask," she came over and sat on the corner of his desk. "Did you and Kate have a fight?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid so."

"You've fought before, dad. Things will work out."

"I'm not so sure this time. This was the Armageddon of fights. Speaking of fights, have you heard from your mother?"

"She's not coming."

"Alexis, I'm sorry. Did she say why?"

"A scheduling conflict. Dad, why has mom's career always been more important than I am?"

"I wish that I knew."

"Well, at least she won't be in the audience to see me make a fool of myself with my speech."

"Alexis, your speech is going to be great."

"I'm so scared," she said in a low voice.

"Of what?"

"Moving on."

"You know what?" He stood up from behind his desk and embraced her. "Write about that. That feels real."

"Really?"

"Really. Think about how you feel about ending this chapter of your life and moving on to the next."

"I love you."

"I love you, too," he kissed the top of her head. Once he knew that Alexis was out of earshot, he pulled out his cellphone and found Meredith's number in his contacts. He then walked into his bedroom and closed the door.

"Richard, this is a nice surprise," Meredith's voice cooed over the line.

"I have a question, and I'm really not in a great mood. Why are you missing our daughter's graduation?"

"Richard, I just can't fly out. I have an audition that is the same day as Alexis' graduation. It's for a big role in an upcoming Tarentino film. If I miss it, I might not ever get another chance to audition for him."

"Our daughter is valedictorian, Meredith. Number one in her graduating class. I would think that would be more important than Quentin Tarentino."

"I'm sure that you or Martha will record her speech. You can send me a copy."

"That's not the point! The point is your career has always come before everything else in your life! It came before our marriage, and it comes before our daughter! She asked me why your career is more important than she is. How am I supposed to answer that?"

"Richard, that isn't true. I love Alexis."

"I have no doubt that you love her, Meredith. But she isn't your number one priority, and she never has been. Good luck on your audition. But while you're reading for the great Tarentino, ask yourself if being a star is more important than watching your daughter graduate from high school. There will be lots of auditions in your future, Meredith, but Alexis only graduates from high school once."

***CCC***

Kate was sitting on her couch, crying into a wad of tissues when she heard a knock on her door. Wiping her eyes and taking a deep breath, she walked over to the door and looked out the peephole to see Lanie standing on the other side. She turned the locks and opened the door. "Hey," Lanie entered the apartment. "Your texts sounded pretty dismal. Are you okay?"

"No," Kate's voice broke as the tears once again began to fall. "I don't want to lose him, Lanie."

"Kate, the two of you have argued before. Once everything blows over, you're going to be able to put the pieces back together. Give it a day or two. Castle can't resist the precinct. We both know he'll be begging to come back."

"I don't think so, Lanie. Not this time. He was so angry. I've never seen him so mad. I just don't understand how he could betray me like that. Why didn't he tell me about this man he's been talking to?"

"Maybe because he knew that it wouldn't stop you. Castle knows you better than you know yourself."

"He could've at least told me and let the decision be mine to make."

"Would you have really stopped? Be honest. I've known you for 10 years and catching your mother's killer has always been at the top of your to-do list."

"I don't know."

"Really?"

"I would've at least listened to what Castle had to say about the guy."

"Have you talked to Gates about any of this?"

"No. I still don't know who can be trusted. Like we told Ryan, this all started with a bunch of corrupt cops. I don't know how much deeper the conspiracy goes."

"Javi told me that you and he are working against Kevin."

"Not intentionally. Kevin wants us to do this by the book. I don't blame him. He's afraid one of us is going to get hurt."

"So am I. I told Javi this, and now I'm telling you. You need to talk to Capt. Gates. You need to tell her the whole story. She's on your side, Kate. You just don't want to see it."

"What if you're wrong?"

"What if I'm not?"

"If Javi and I can't find this guy, I'll bring Gates in. I promise."

"Call Castle back and talk to him. That man is the best thing that has ever happened to you. If you let him get away, a bunch of people are going to be very pissed off."

After Lanie left, Kate went into the bathroom to wash her face. She then came out and picked up her cellphone, hitting Castle's contact information. The call immediately went to voicemail, which meant that he was ignoring her call. She took a deep breath when she heard the tone. 'Hey, Rick. It's me. I know that you're still mad and I don't blame you. Please call me back. I told Lanie that if we don't find my shooter tomorrow, I will go and talk to the captain. I will bring her up to speed on everything. Again, please call me back. I don't want to end things like this. Bye.'

***CCC***

Castle listened to Kate's message three times before deleting it. "Are you going to call her back?" Martha asked.

"No."

"Richard, she's trying to make amends."

"Did we listen to the same message? If they don't find the shooter tomorrow, then she'll go to Gates. If. In other words, she and Espo are still going to hunt for the guy. Alexis is graduating tomorrow night. I'm not blowing up my daughter's graduation to rescue Kate Beckett. I'm done playing knight in shining armor."

"I don't know which of you is more stubborn. You or Katherine. You love her. She loves you. The two of you have been meant to be together since the first time you laid eyes on each other. One of you needs to be the bigger person and say that you're sorry."

"So, you think that I'm wrong?"

"I don't think either of you are wrong. I'm just saying someone has to be the bigger person here."

"It's late. I'm going to bed."

***CCC***

The next morning, Kate drove to the cemetery and walked over to her mom's headstone. She held her necklace in her hand, twirling the ring that had belonged to her mom, brushing tears from her cheek with her other hand. "I miss you," she whispered. "I don't want to mess this up, mom. But I don't want to lose Rick, either. You'd like him, mom," she forced herself to smile. "Please send me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. If I don't find these guys, I feel like I'm never going to have peace. Like you're never going to have peace, either."

When Kate announced that Castle was off the team, both boys were shocked. Ryan didn't understand what was going on. He followed Kate into the breakroom, where he found her making a cup of coffee. "Was it your choice to kick him off the team or was it his?"

"He quit, Ryan. I didn't tell him to do it. We had a fight and he quit."

"Are you and Javi really going after this guy? This Cole Maddox or whatever his real name is?"

"We are."

"Is there anything that I can say or do to change your mind?"

"Ryan, I've been living with this for 13 years. I have to end it."

"Beckett, are we good to go?" Espo popped his head into the breakroom.

"Yeah," Kate walked past Ryan and out of the breakroom.

"Hey, Javier?" Ryan called out to his friend. "Don't let her do this."

"It's all good, bro. We've got this," Espo's voice was sheer bravado.

Kevin stood motionless in the empty breakroom for several minutes before he pulled out his cellphone.

***CCC***

"Let's go!" Castle called up the stairs. "We don't want to miss Alexis' speech! Or the whole graduation," he added under his breath just as his cellphone rang. Looking at the caller id, he saw that it was the 12th Precinct. He braced himself for bad news before answering the phone. "Hello?"

"Castle, it's Ryan. Bro, Beckett and Esposito are about to get themselves killed. They're going after her shooter. Alone."

"Kevin, my daughter is graduating in a little less than two hours. I'm not missing one of the biggest nights of her life to bail out your friends."

"Once they were your friends, too. Or so I thought."

"You know what you have to do."

"Tell Gates," Kevin's voice had a tinge of resignation to it.

"Tell her everything and pray that you're not too late. I've gotta go," Castle said when he saw his mother and daughter coming down the stairs. "My phone is going to be off, so don't try to call me back."

Kevin ended the call and looked at the captain's closed door. He knew that if he went in there, he was very likely ending the careers of two of his friends. But he also knew he'd also be saving their lives. He walked over to the door and knocked on the glass. "Come in!" He heard Gates call from inside. "What do you need, Det. Ryan?"

"Sir, I'm worried about Detectives Beckett and Esposito."

"Why?"

Kevin stood in front of her desk and told Capt. Gates everything. From the moment that they had discovered Orlando Costa's body to Beckett and Esposito heading to the Lower East side in search of a probable hired killer. "Where are they now?" She asked, getting up from behind her desk.

Ryan gave her their location and ran after her as she left the room.

When they arrived in the general vicinity of where Kate and Espo were going, Kevin found the car that Maddox had been driving. It was parked in front of a hotel. Gates, Ryan, and the rest of the team entered the hotel and approached the front desk. "NYPD," Gates flashed her badge. "Has anyone come in looking for Cole Maddox?"

"Yes, ma'am," the desk clerk answered. "The manager took two people up to Mr. Maddox's room about half an hour ago."

"Can we speak to the manager?"

"He hasn't come back downstairs."

"What room is Mr. Maddox staying in?"

"Room 417."

"Thank you," the officers took the elevator up to the fourth floor.

Exiting the elevator and walking down the corridor, they saw a partially opened door, with two legs protruding. It was the hotel manager. Gates checked for a pulse, but it was obvious that he was dead. Just inside the room, Ryan saw Esposito unconscious. "Javi," Ryan checked his partner, breathing a sigh of relief when he heard him groan.

"Where's Det. Beckett?" Gates asked as Espo slowly sat up, rubbing the side of his head.

"I don't know. I had grabbed Montgomery's wedding album and was getting ready to leave the room when the lights went out."

"We need to find Beckett," Kevin pointed out.

"Det. Esposito, do you require medical assistance?" Gates' voice was cold.

"No. I just need a second to get my bearings."

"When you have your 'bearings,' call the M.E. Ryan, take some men and search for Det. Beckett!"

"Yes, sir," Ryan and several of the officers left the room.

Up on the roof, Kate was struggling to keep her grip on the edge of the roof. It became even more terrifying when one of her hands slipped and she was unable to reach back up. "Help! Somebody! Help me!"

That was when she heard the most beautiful voice in the universe. The voice of her partner. She couldn't believe that he was here when he was supposed to be at his daughter's graduation. "Kate! Where are you?"

"Castle! I'm over here! Help! My fingers are slipping!"

"Beckett!"

"Castle, help!" She could feel her fingers slowly slipping from the edge.

Just as her fingers came away from the bricks, two hands reached down and grabbed her wrists, slowly pulling her back to the top of the roof. Once she was able to throw one leg over the edge and slowly stand, she found herself facing Kevin Ryan, not Castle. "Castle?" She whispered. Ryan slowly shook his head. Looking over his shoulder, she saw Capt. Gates, her arms folded over her chest, looking more pissed off than Kate had ever seen her.

"Are you okay, Detective?"

"Yes, sir."

"We'll talk about this when we get back to the Twelfth."

"Yes, sir," Kate whispered, following Kevin and the other officers back into the building and down the stairs.

"Beckett, I'm sorry," Kevin whispered to her.

"Is Espo okay?"

"I think so. He has a mild concussion, but at least he made out better than the manager. Maddox murdered him."

"The wedding albums?" Kate asked.

"I don't know. We've been looking for you."

"Let's go, detectives. CSU has the scene now," Gates called out to them.

***CCC***

"There is a universal truth that we all have to face," Alexis' speech began, "whether we want to or not. Everything eventually ends. As much as I've looked forward to this day, I've always disliked endings. The last day of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable. Leaves fall. You close the book. You say goodbye. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar. Everything that was comfortable. We're moving on. But just because we're leaving, and that hurts, there are some people who are so much a part of us, they'll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground. Our North Star. And the small clear voices in our hearts that will be with us. Always."

"She nailed it," Martha whispered to Richard.

"Yes, she did," he smiled proudly as they applauded.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur filled with more speeches, followed by the students receiving their diplomas. Afterwards, Castle and Martha searched the sea of students and their families before finally spotting Alexis. "Congratulations, kiddo!" Martha embraced her granddaughter fervently. "You had the best speech of the entire ceremony."

"Thanks, Gram."

"You did it!" Castle hugged Alexis. "I am so unbelievably proud of you! And Gram is right. Your speech was perfect."

"I did what you suggested and thought about how I felt now that this chapter of my life is over. The words flowed after that."

"Alexis!" One of her friends called out. "Are you riding with us?"

"Dad, if you want me to stay home—"

"No," he told her. "I know you've been looking forward to your all-night celebration for months. I want you to have fun. This is the biggest night of your life, so far. You deserve to have fun."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. I have more than enough stuff to keep me entertained. Have fun."

"Okay. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow."

Castle heard the first low rumbles of thunder when he and Martha were walking toward his car. "Are you sure that you want to drive to the Hamptons tonight? You could wait until morning."

"I've already made plans for later. I don't want to cancel. Are you sure that you don't want to ride up there with me?"

"No. I'll head up there next week."

"I'll text you when I arrive," she kissed him on the cheek.

"Be careful," he warned her.

***CCC***

"Close the door," Gates ordered as Kate and Espo walked into her office. "Do you two have any idea of how reckless your behavior was?"

"Yes, sir," they both answered.

"Fortunately, one member of your team has some sense. If not, then Det. Ryan would probably be in here, too. Instead, he gets to keep his job. I'm not as sure about the two of you. You withheld evidence! You lied to a superior officer! What you did dishonors the city and dishonors the badge! Not only are you off this investigation, I'm putting you both on administrative leave, effective immediately!"

"Sir—" Kate started to speak.

"Don't 'sir' me! You don't deserve to wear the uniform! Now hand over your badges and guns."

Espo immediately removed his gun from his holster and placed it on the captain's desk, followed by his detectives' shield. Gates looked at Kate, who was standing in front of the desk, looking her shield over carefully, memorizing every detail of it before she slowly removed her gun from her holster. But she didn't make a move to place either item on Gates' desk. "Det. Beckett?" Gates was impatient.

In that instant, every hour of the past 13 years passed through Kate's mind. Her mother's murder, her father's drinking, joining the NYPD, training with Royce. All of it. She felt like she had been set adrift in the middle of the Atlantic with nothing to moor her. Finally, she slammed the two items down on the desk. "Keep them. I resign," she turned and walked out of the office.

She walked into the breakroom and rummaged around until she found an empty box. She then walked over to her desk and began clearing it off. She was packing the elephants when Ryan approached her desk. "Beckett, I'm sorry."

"Don't," she shook her head.

"I called him, Kate. Castle. I called him before I went to Gates."

"Alexis was graduating tonight. You couldn't expect him to drop everything for that. It's okay. You did what you had to do. Now I'm doing the same thing."

She picked up the box and headed for the elevator without saying anything further. Moments later, Kevin saw Espo come out of Gates' office. "Javi, I'm sorry," Kevin tried to apologize, but Espo angrily shoved off his apology, walking toward the stairs instead.

"Det. Ryan?" Gates called out to him. "We need to put a BOLO out on Cole Maddox. We need to get him into custody before he decides to go after Beckett again."

"Yes, sir."

***CCC***

After taking her belongings home, Beckett left her apartment and began walking. By the time she got to the park, it was pouring down rain. She walked over to the swings and sat down on one of them. She didn't know how long she sat there, slowly moving the swing back and forth, the rain pelting her skin and clothes. She didn't know if she could make things right with Castle. But she knew that if she didn't try, she was never going to know.

Inside the loft, Castle hung Alexis' tassle over one of the lamps in the living room before going into his office and bringing up his TV screen. The image of the map he had made regarding Johanna Beckett's murder immediately came up on the screen. Castle walked over and tapped the recycle bin with his finger. The screen minimized and he moved it over to the recycle bin, tapping 'yes' when asked if he wanted to delete the file. He was about to go into his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes when his cellphone rang. Kate's smiling face appeared on the screen. Instead of answering, he declined the call. He wasn't ready to forgive her just yet. Right now, he didn't know if he'd ever forgive her. However, he was happy to see that she had survived going after the man who had shot her.

Kate stuck her phone in her back pocket after her call to Castle went straight to voicemail. She had to talk to him. She had to make him understand that he had been right all along. She didn't want things to end like this. She got up from the swings and walked up the street another two blocks, crossing the street to stand in front of the loft. The regular doorman, Eduardo, recognized her immediately. "Good evening, Ms. Beckett. I see that you went out without an umbrella this evening."

"Yeah. Is Mr. Castle here?"

"Yes, ma'am. He's upstairs. Do you want me to announce you?"

"No. He's expecting me," she lied, knowing that Castle would tell her to get lost if Eduardo announced her arrival.

"Have a good evening."

"Thank you. You, too."

Castle heard someone knocking just as he entered his bedroom to change clothes. He walked into the living room and opened the door without looking to see who was on the other side. Kate was standing on the opposite side of the door, looking like a drowned rat.

"Beckett, what do you want?" His tone indicated that he still didn't want to see or speak to her.

"You," Kate suddenly lunged forward, cupping Castle's face in her hands and kissing him, before resting her forehead against his. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so, so sorry."

She was about to kiss him again when she felt Castle grab her wrists to stop her. "What happened?" He asked, noticing the tears on her face.

"He got away and I didn't care. I almost died and all I could think of was you. I just want you."

A/N #2: This seemed like the perfect place to end this chapter.

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