Chapter 9: Reflecting

For the second time in 24 hours I wake up groaning, my head killing me. But that's where the similarity between the two experiences ends. This time I wake to find myself handcuffed to the metal bars of a window, sitting in a chair inside a small room. Besides myself, the chair, and the window, the room is barren. The only other feature of the room is the closed door. I also notice that I'm wearing my half-destroyed police uniform again. Instantly, I remember what happened, or more accurately what had been about to happen, and I feel myself flush, partly in embarrassment and partly in frustration.

"Max!" I yell, pulling at the handcuffs even though I can tell they're secure and I'm not going anywhere without breaking my hand.

No response. I sigh in frustration. This sucks.

With nothing better to do in my prison, I begin to reflect. My mind immediately wanders back to the sight of Alec in nothing but his underwear, but I force myself not to think about that. Instead I focus on how even though I've been thinking these past couple days about how much Alec has changed, I've really changed a lot myself. I don't think of everything in terms of a mission anymore. I've developed a personality other than the hateful, stubborn soldier I was in Manticore. I've become a girl who enjoys racing motorcycles, playing pool, watching television, reading books, and just relaxing with my few friends. All things that one didn't indulge in at Manticore. I discovered my favorite color is blue, I like the pre-Pulse rock music that Kira listens to, and I love pizza. The last time I saw Alec was when he was 494 and I was still just 613. Since then, slowly, over time, I've started to really become Jess. Sure, it's still hard to shake the old Manticore habits, but that's to be expected. I lived there for almost nineteen years, after all. It's hard to believe I've been out for almost a year now. Almost a whole year as a free person. The familiar fear that I'll wake up and find this has all been a dream comes to me.

No, this is definitely not a dream. I feel too much like hell at the moment for this to be a dream. The next twenty or so hours are going to be absolute misery. Especially when I have the memory of how close I was to scratching this itch.

Alec is so hot.

"Stop it." I order myself.

Well, he is.

This is crazy. I'm crazy. I'll go crazy if Max doesn't let me out of here. It will all be over so quickly if I can just get out of here. Well, hopefully not too quickly because Alec sure is yummy.

I just used the word yummy. This has to stop.

"Max!"

I'm about to yell again when I hear the sound of an argument outside my door. I listen closely. I can't really tell what they're saying, but I identify the voices as those belonging to Max and Alec.

Alec...

"Hey, babe." Alec's voice comes through the door.

"Alec!" I call, desperate and trembling with need all over again just from the sound of his voice.

"Oh god, don't sound like that." Alec pleads, groaning in frustration. He takes a deep breath before he continues, "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I...I couldn't stop myself. I should never have even let it go that far so...yeah, good thing Max showed up. Anyway, once again I'm sorry and I'll...uh...see you once you're better."

"Please don't go!" I beg him, jerking once again at the cuffs, for one crazed moment considering whether a broken hand might be worth it, but there's no response.

I almost feel like I could cry in frustration. I struggle to get control of myself. I can't do this alone. I need something else to focus on.

"So, Max." I call out, "How'd you find us?"

At first, she doesn't reply and when she finally does, her voice is reluctant. But I'm grateful for the distraction, anything to take my mind off the aching need in my body.

"Well, no one in TC has been in heat before. We've only been barricaded in here for about a week now. I remembered what you said about the guys and pheromones, so I followed Yang. He was acting weird. Had a hunch that it was because of you."

"So you've never been around other X5s when you're...like this?" I ask, wondering if that's a blessing or a curse.

"Nope. And now that I know what's gonna happen, I'm really not looking forward to it."

"Back at Manticore before the suppressants, they'd quarantine us as soon as they found out what was going on. They'd run tests, drug us sometimes. Not too fun, but better than reeking havoc on the unit."

"So...you've never...done anything while you've been in heat?" Max sounds surprised.

"No." I can't keep the bitterness from my voice as I think once again about Alec.

"Hey, you're lucky. You have no idea how much it bites to deal with the repercussions."

"Not like we can help it." I shrug.

"Yeah, well, most people don't get that. And it's hard to explain to them that because our genes are spliced with cat DNA, we get flipped out horny every once in a while. Besides, I for one don't want to give them any more reason to treat us like animals."

Now, she's the bitter one and I can't say I disagree. She's got a point. Those people outside the fence burning Xs would have a field day if they knew about this.

"This sucks, Max." I say finally.

"I know." she agrees, "Just hang tight. We're going to beat this bitch."

I sigh. This isn't working. If anything, now I'm not just horny, I'm depressed and horny. Nothing against Max, but I need my best friend.

"Does Kira know where I am?" I ask.

"Already on it. Alec went to find her." Max assures me.

Good. Kira will think of something to pass the time and keep me distracted. She'll find a way to keep me from thinking about how great Alec's pecs felt under my hands or how it felt to have his tongue in my mouth, exploring, tasting, teasing. Keep me from thinking about the way he looked at me, his eyes dark with desire. Or how it almost felt like I was about to come undone just from the feeling of his teeth on my neck.

Oh, God. I can't take this.

The small room I'm in feels like a sauna. I pull the ruined police shirt open, not caring that I'm baring quite a bit of skin. I need air. My skin is practically glistening with sweat, the heat radiating from me. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself.

"Jess, it's me."

Kira. It's about time!

I watch closely as the door is unlocked and Kira enters, hoping to catch a glimpse of Alec behind her, but he's nowhere in sight. She nods to Max who closes the door behind her, locking her inside with me.

"How are you doing?" she asks me.

"Peachy." I say sarcastically.

My attitude is never very good when I'm in heat and I am beyond frustrated at this point.

"I'm sorry." Kira apologizes, "But it'll be over soon."

"Right." I sniff skeptically. I glance up at the barred window, trying to gage what time it is by what little I can see of the night sky, "What time is it now anyway?"

Before I can turn back around to look at Kira, I feel a sharp prick in my arm. I glance down and see that Kira raced over and injected me with something. I try to jerk my arm away, but she's already finished. I stare at her in surprise and a little betrayal.

"By the time you wake up, you'll be out of this." she assures me.

My vision is already starting to blur. I growl at her angrily, but I'm unable to muster the strength to yell at her for using my trust against me and dosing me with whatever the hell this is. My body just feels too heavy. I struggle against it for a moment, but I can't stay awake. My eyes close with finality and I fall asleep.

I woke up panting, in a state of real panic. I looked around quickly and realized that I was in the barracks. The rest of my unit were all asleep.

Confusion arose in me. What was going on? A moment ago I had been running through the woods around Manticore, chased by someone or something that I knew would kill me as soon as it caught up to me even though I didn't know what it was that was pursuing me. No matter how fast I ran, it was always gaining, closing in on me. Just when I felt that it was about to pounce I was suddenly back in my bunk.

It had to be some sort of test. I would question 857 at reveille as to whether I had passed or failed. In the meantime, I laid back on my bunk, staring at the ceiling, wondering how Manticore had returned me to my bunk without my knowing and what that thing in the woods might have been.

I wake up from my dream and I'm reassured by the fact that I'm not at Manticore. I can't be. Manticore would never allow sky blue paint on the ceiling.

I dreamed about my first dream. I'd been about four, I think. It's one of my earliest memories. I woke up from dreaming and didn't understand that it wasn't real. And logically, since everything that didn't make sense in Manticore had to be some sort of test, I decided that this had to be another strange simulation or something that Manticore had put me through.

Apparently, it's rather abnormal for me not to have had a dream before then. I was informed that most children dream before they're even born. But I wasn't like most children in many regards. Luckily Manticore hadn't been too concerned about that abnormality and was more interested in teaching their squadrons of toddlers how to be efficient killers.

I sigh and look around the room. It's a pleasant room. There's a large window to the left of the bed I'm lying in, framed by dark blue curtains. A bed-side table next to me holds a small lamp and an alarm clock. The door across the room from the foot of the bed is painted a soft white. My brow furrows in confusion. Why doesn't any of this seem familiar?

I roll over to look at the other side of the room, thinking maybe there might be something there that can refresh my memory or give me some further clues, but instead I discover to my surprise that I'm not alone in bed. I push myself up on my elbow, careful not to disturb the person next to me. He's turned away from me, sleeping with his head resting on his arm, but his short, light brown hair leaves his barcode exposed. It's Alec.

I feel like maybe I should be more shocked by his presence than I am, but really I just feel...peaceful, happy. I smile a little and watch as Alec sleeps. His face is relaxed and tranquil. He looks innocent. I feel a distinct twinge in my chest as I watch his mouth open slightly as he expels a contented sigh, evidently enjoying his dream. A word comes to mind to describe him that I never thought I would ever use in conjunction with 494: adorable.

Alec begins to stir and his eyes slowly open. He rolls onto his back and looks up at me. A smile plays across his lips.

"Good morning." he says softly.

"Morning." I reply, not wanting to move, enjoying the moment and afraid to do anything that might ruin it.

"Sleep good?" he asks.

"Fine. You?"

"I dreamt about you."

"Oh?" I ask, curious.

"Yeah. I dreamt about that time you were in heat back in T.C. You know, when you couldn't resist my sexy bod." he grins at me and winks. I give him a patient smile in return, "Remember how upset we both were after it was all over? And then, all of a sudden, I busted out with 'I love you.' You were so shocked, but trust me, I was just as surprised as you were. I'd been trying really hard not to have feelings for you at all and then all of a sudden I loved you? Plus, I was half-expecting you to laugh at me or something. Boy, that would have sucked."

He pauses and cocks his head as he looks at me.

"But you didn't laugh. You smiled and you hugged me. And you said you loved me, too." he smiles, "I knew then that you were totally out of your mind."

I would respond with a smart remark, but I'm not feeling well. Something has to be wrong with me because I can't remember the scene Alec is describing. I frown. I remember being in heat, but nothing of the rest of what he's described. I want so badly to remember that. Why can't I?

"Something wrong?" Alec asks, concerned by my expression and lack of response.

I shake my head and force a smile back on my face, not wanting to upset him.

"Of course not."

"Good. 'Cause I don't want my girl to be unhappy." Alec says, reaching out with his arms and pulling me down to him. He plants a gentle kiss on my lips, "Besides, you know Kira would kill me if I didn't keep you happy."

"How could I be unhappy when I'm with you?" I answer truthfully.

Alec smiles again and moves to get out of bed. I take in his appearance, naked except for his boxer briefs, and recognize the pair as the same ones he was wearing when I was in heat in Terminal City. Strange how I can't remember anything past going into heat and seeing him in those boxers. I wonder how long it's been since then.

"Come on, beautiful. You've got to get up. We've got stuff to do." Alec prods over his shoulder as he dresses.

I nod and slip out of bed. I look down as I stand up, taking in my own appearance. I'm wearing what appears to be another pair of Alec's boxers, judging by their size, and a sports bra.

"I'm going to want those back." Alec comments, also looking at the boxers I'm wearing.

"What if I don't give them back?" I ask teasingly, forcing myself to relax.

I must have just taken a blow to the head recently. My memory will come back. There's no point in worrying about it or getting Alec worked up about it. Besides, how can I be upset when everything around me is so perfect?

"Well..." Alec drawls slowly as he approaches, stalking toward me like a predator. I watch him warily but with a tingle of excitement racing up my spine, "I might just have to take them then."

He springs forward and grabs the hem of the boxers, yanking me forward and making me stumble into him. He kisses me again, but this time more deeply, and I sigh into the kiss. The twinge in my chest comes again and I feel a swell of emotion. This all feels so right. Being here with Alec, kissing him,...loving him, it's all so right.

"I love you." I whisper as he pulls away.

His eyes sparkle as he looks at me.

"I know, babe. I love you, too."

I gasp and my eyes fly open. I'm sitting on a hard chair in a dark room, chained to the bars on a window. There's no sky blue ceiling, no soft bed, no Alec. It was a dream. Oh, god, it was a dream. Of all the injustices of life, this one feels particularly harsh.

As reality sets in, I let go of my anger at having been cheated of the life in my dream and realize exactly what the dream showed me. Evidently, I have much stronger feelings for Alec than I thought. I just barely resist the urge to smack my head against the wall, thinking I ought to smack those thoughts right out of my skull. I cannot allow myself to be this stupid. I will not draw conclusions from heat-induced dreams. That would just be inviting trouble. I'm obviously attracted to Alec and at the very least he's my friend who understands me better than almost anyone I know. I'm going to leave it at that. That's more than enough to accept for now.

"Kira? Max?" I call.

The door unlocks and Kira enters. She smiles at me.

"Welcome back." she says, "You've been asleep for longer than I thought you would be."

"What time is it?" I ask.

"1100. You've been out for over a day. You should be well out of it by now." she assures me.

I smile in relief. Kira unlocks my handcuffs and I stand, feeling the stiffness in my muscles from being stuck in the same position for so long. But it's worth it. It's over.