Chapter 10: Joshua
After changing into a clean set of clothes that Kira brought me, I emerge from my prison rather joyfully, thinking only of the fact that I'm no longer in heat. No longer am I the reason for stress and turmoil in Terminal City. No longer do I need a babysitter.
I follow Kira down the hall from my isolated room. She opens a door and reveals that the room I was held in is in a part of HQ. I wave cheerfully to Max, then freeze when I see Alec, relief and cheerfulness evaporating instantly at the sight of him.
He's across the room from me, talking to Mole and another transgenic I don't know, but I can still see the fading bruises coloring his skin. He has one on his temple and one around his eye, both from the fight he had with Max. Because of me. I also notice the way he's standing, not his normal stance. I wince as I remember the cause of that. That had to have hurt pretty badly.
I want to go to him and tell him I'm sorry for all the trouble and pain I've caused him. I want to hear him reassure me and tell me it's not my fault, that I can't help what happened while I was in heat. But I just can't bring myself to approach him, not after what almost happened between us and certainly not after the dream I had. Not after all the thoughts I've had about him. I've just barely started to come to grips with all of it myself. I'm not ready to face him.
"Aren't you going to go talk to him?" Kira asks, noticing where I'm staring.
I shake my head mutely.
"Why not?" she asks, "You're not avoiding him because of what happened, are you?"
I make no move to either confirm or deny her suspicion, which she correctly interprets as confirmation.
"Jess, you know that whatever happens while we're in heat doesn't count. It's just hormones, nothing more, okay? Besides, it's not like you actually went through with it. Now, I know you like him, so go talk to him." Kira urges.
I'm surprised at her. Isn't she the one who wanted me to stay away from Alec? I give her a look of confusion. She gives me a somewhat ironic smile back.
"I know I'm a big hypocrite, but I could tell yesterday that he was pretty upset when he came to find me. I still don't think he's good news, but maybe he's not so bad either. Maybe. And I know you. If you don't sort this out now, it'll just grow and grow inside of you until you do something stupid. So, go talk to him. It'll be fine." she promises.
I'm a little offended by her assessment of my typical behavior, but I have to grudgingly admit that she's right. I do tend to let things build inside of me until I'm about to burst, a habit from Manticore where we were taught to keep any emotions we felt buried deep inside and pretend they didn't exist.
It's good that Kira has at least moved Alec up to probationary status, that she's willing to give him a chance. That's progress I wasn't expecting, especially after the heat episode. In fact, so far things are taking a turn for the better. Maybe I should give it a shot, forget my embarrassment and awkwardness, and just try to sort some things out with Alec. At least, apologize for the pain I put him through. That would be the mature thing to do.
I nod determinedly, as much to myself as to Kira, and march across the room towards Alec. I stop a few feet from him, barely keeping myself from standing at attention as I wait for him to finish speaking and acknowledge me.
"So, I'm thinking maybe we make a raid on a warehouse instead of just sending one person out here and another out there. Get ourselves some supplies that will last a little while. Problem is, my plan doesn't exactly follow Max's 'lay low' rule. You think we can convince her?" he asks the two transgenics, acting like he hasn't noticed my presence.
I clear my throat pointedly. It's obvious that Mole and the other transgenic are now more curious as to what's going on with me than they are focusing on Alec's plan.
"Looks like you've got some business to take care of, Princess." Mole finally says, looking from me to Alec, "We can talk about this later."
With that, both transgenics beat a hasty retreat to another part of HQ, abandoning Alec. Slowly, apparently reluctantly, he turns to face me.
"Hi, Jess!" he greets me with an empty smile as if he hasn't been ignoring me, as if there's absolutely nothing the slightest bit wrong, almost as if we're strangers.
"Alec, don't." I say, knowing he's putting up his walls against me and hating it.
"What?" he asks, as if he doesn't know.
"Alec, please. I don't want to do this. I don't want you to treat me like...I don't know. Like a stranger. I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and I'm sorry." I apologize quickly.
For a second, I see a hurt look appear on Alec's face, but then it's gone, replaced once again by his nonchalant, but vacant smile. I frown, confused. Why would he look hurt? Did I imagine it?
"It's alright, Jess. No big deal." he says, adding a casual shrug for emphasis.
With that, he turns and leaves, heading back towards Mole. My frown deepens. I really screwed things up this time and I'm not even completely sure how.
Frustrated and angry, at myself and at Alec, I troop back over to Kira. She doesn't say anything to me, but simply walks with me out of HQ. As soon as the door closes behind us, I vent my feelings into the air.
"I can't believe he just did that! I didn't mean to do anything wrong! It's not like it was premeditated! How can he just blow me off like that when all I want to do is make things right again?" I would say more, but words just won't seem to form, so I leave off with an angry growl.
"I don't want to say I told you so, but I tried to warn you that 494's not good for you. You think that because he let you escape, that he's this great guy. The truth is, you have no idea why he said or did those things. He might have been planning to track you after you ran off so that he could capture us both. That would have made more tactical sense than 494 suddenly having some sort of epiphany. And even if all that was just following orders, he's still not the kind of guy you want to get involved with. Even back at Manticore he was manipulative and it looks like he hasn't changed. You hurt him, so now you're not good enough for him." her voice softens, "You deserve someone better than that, Jess. You're a good person. You got me out of Manticore, gave me a life. You risked everything by doing that. It would have been so much easier for you to have just gone on the lam on your own. But you didn't and I owe you one for that."
I focus my gaze firmly on the pavement under my feet. I don't want to hear what Kira's saying. Even though I'm mad at Alec, I still can't forget all that we've been through in our short amount of time together. I can't just turn my back on that and believe that Alec is still the same self-serving, uncaring person he was in Manticore, can I?
"I'm going for a walk. I have to think about some things." I say finally.
I don't wait for a reply, but set off immediately, hoping Kira won't try to follow. When I'm about a block away from her, I relax a little since it looks like she's going to give me some space. I stop focusing so intently on where I'm going and let my mind wander, not caring where my feet take me.
Kira's right about one thing: my feelings for 494 are pretty screwed up. I can hardly keep track of them myself. It's like the roller coasters I've read about, going up and down and spiraling, all at high speed. If only things would slow down so I could make sense of them. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so lost and confused.
Excluding the first time I met him, when he hurt me during that training exercise, and our last encounter, Alec has always opened up to me. In return, I've developed feelings for him. I know that. What I don't know and, in truth, am afraid to know, is the extent of those feelings. Do I really love him? Or is that just something my heat-addled brain cooked up, an exaggeration of my true feelings? How would I even know?
I sigh. What I really want to know is if Alec has any feelings for me in return. Or am I just someone to waste time with, like he was looking for when I found him in that bar? No, I can't believe that. He wouldn't have opened up to me if that was true. But then, why has he shut me out again? Has he changed his mind?
I just wish there was some way to know the truth. What is up with Alec, how does he feel about me, why is he mad at me? If I could just somehow manage to ask him and have him answer me truthfully..., but who am I kidding? I could never flat-out ask him if he feels about me the way I feel about him. I'm not sure I could even articulate it if I wanted to.
But the second part, the part about why he's mad at me, that I can do. As long as he doesn't blow me off again. It hurts too much when he does that.
I stop and look around. The first thing I notice is that it's darker than it should be at mid-day. I look up and notice the dark, angry clouds that signal coming rain. Then, I notice where I am. I'm in the middle of a bustling area of Terminal City. This area houses more of the less human-looking transgenics, but I'm not the only X-series on the street and therefore don't call much attention to myself. I observe for a moment how life goes on, even in Terminal City. A female transgenic who definitely has some extra cat DNA is carrying an armful of foodstuffs, an X8 is tagging along after an arctic division, easily identifiable thanks to his snowy complexion, chattering at him rapidly, and coming towards me is a very tall man who is clearly part canine, carrying a can of paint. I recognize this last person as someone I was introduced to when Kira and I first reported to Max about retrieving our things. It's Max's friend, Joshua.
"Hey, Joshua!" I call a greeting.
He looks up and sees me. He smiles back at me, his face open and friendly despite not really knowing me.
"Hey, Jess." he replies.
"What are you up to, Joshua?" I ask, falling in next to him as he continues down the street, glad for a distraction from my current Alec issues.
"Got more paint. Gonna paint more pictures. That's the plan." he replies, holding up the paint can.
I remember that Alec mentioned something about Joshua being a painter. I smile slightly, amused that an artistic type came out of Manticore. Who would ever have predicted that?
"Do you mind if I look at some of your paintings?" I ask, curious to know what they look like.
"Uh...no." he says, sounding a little surprised, but pleased by my interest, "This way."
Joshua leads me to where he's staying. The building is multiple stories, probably an old apartment building or hotel or something. Immediately upon entering Joshua's apartment, I see that the place is packed with paintings. The walls are covered with them, and more are leaning against the walls in the corners of the floor. Most are rather abstract, something I find difficult to understand, but a few are portraits. All of the portraits are of the same woman, however. I find that kind of odd, but choose not to ask since it feels like too personal a question.
"Jess, look." Joshua calls, setting down the paint can and hurrying over to a painting that I can't see from the angle I'm at.
Joshua seems excited as he points at the painting hanging on the wall before him. I walk over to see what it is.
The painting is of a white dove. Behind it are three solid bands of color. The bottom one is black except for what looks like a barcode just below the dove, the middle is red, and the top is white. I cock my head, confused by its significance.
"What does it mean?" I ask him carefully, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
"Our flag." Joshua says shortly. Seeing that I still don't understand, he continues, "See, this. Manticore, darkness. Where we come from. This. Blood spilt today. This. Peace. Future."
I stare at the painting in shock, amazed by how much sense it makes now.
"It's perfect." I tell him, feeling like maybe now I'm starting to understand what this Terminal City thing is all about.
Joshua doesn't respond, but hurries over to another painting, gesturing for me to come see it.
"What's this?" I ask, looking over the painting and feeling like somehow it feels like I should recognize it even though I've never seen it before.
"Alec." he says simply.
The painting is dark and swirled and confusing in the center with splashes of bright color around the exterior. I suddenly get the impression that Joshua knows about the inner turmoil that goes on inside of Alec, too.
"It is Alec." I agree, still staring at the painting.
I note to myself that even if Joshua seems a little stilted and abrupt in his speech, he's extremely perceptive.
"Alec done bad things, but Alec not bad."
Joshua surprises me with his sudden statement and the conviction that's behind it.
"I know." I nod softly.
"You like Alec." it isn't a question.
"Yes." I answer it anyway.
"You and Alec get busy?"
My eyes widen. Woah! That's not a question I'm prepared to answer.
"Uh...it's complicated." I reply, still reeling.
Joshua seems to accept that answer because he turns away from me. I begin to look for a way to exit quickly without being noticed. I do not want to answer any more questions like that one.
"Max and Logan like you. Complicated." Joshua says, "But look."
I stop looking for a way to escape and look where Joshua is standing. In front of him is another painting on the wall, but this one is red and blue, soft in some spots, intense in others. It reminds me somehow of the meeting of two raging rivers.
"Strong love." Joshua explains.
I can't get into this. Starting to panic a little, I back hastily towards the door.
"Look, Joshua. You're a terrific painter, really. But I have to go. I'll...uh...see you around." I say as I make my retreat.
"You talk with Alec." Joshua calls after me as I escape out the door.
I don't reply, but continue to hurry out of the building. I make it to the stairs, thinking only of escaping into the fresh air. I can hear the rain pounding on the roof and welcome the downpour. All I need to do is get out the door and I'm free.
I stop abruptly, halfway down the stairs. Alec is at the bottom.
"Hey." he says.
I feel like I'm suffocating.
Alec looks down and begins to climb the stairs. It's clear he's just come in from the rain. His black leather jacket is still dripping onto the floor and his usually light brown hair is dark and clinging to his skin. He's almost past me when I finally unfreeze.
"Alec!" I cry suddenly, grabbing his arm.
He stops moving, but doesn't look up.
"Alec, please." I plead again, "Please, talk to me. I'm sorry. Just tell me what I can do to fix whatever I did wrong. Tell me why you're mad at me."
Alec suddenly whips around, water droplets flying off his damp form as he yanks his arm free from my grasp.
"I'm not mad at you." he says, his words clipped and controlled, then immediately turns back and begins to climb the stairs again.
"Then what?" I demand, following after him.
"Nothing." he grumbles, heading down the hall.
I hurry after him, too stubborn and determined now to let this go.
"Alec!"
He continues on past Joshua's door and further down the hall, ignoring me.
"Alec!" I yell again, more pointedly.
"What the hell do you want from me?" Alec spins around again and yells back at me angrily.
"Stop shutting me out, God damn it! Just tell me what's wrong!"
"What's wrong?" he sounds incredulous, "You tell me you don't even want me and you want to know what's wrong? You admit that that kiss on the rooftop meant nothing to you and you want me to stop shutting you out? What the hell kind of game are you playing, anyway? Is this some kind of torture? See what you can get out of Alec. Use any means necessary. It's not like it matters how he feels."
"Alec..." I shake my head, feeling my eyes well up and my throat tighten.
He has it all wrong. How could he think that?
"No. I don't want to hear some half-assed explanation. It doesn't matter. It was my fault anyway. I should know better by now." he turns and opens the door to an apartment.
I run as fast as I can, arriving at the door before Alec can get through it.
"That's it! I can't take it anymore! I didn't mean that I don't want you, you idiot! I meant that I didn't mean for you to get hurt! You know, when Max wiped the floor with you because of me? That's what I was saying sorry for. I'm not playing some sort of game. I just...I like you, okay?" My voice starts as a frustrated yell, but by the end of my outburst I'm almost whispering, dropping my gaze to the floor.
"What?" he asks quietly.
"I never meant for you to take it that way. I'm sorry, Alec." I reply, looking up at him so he can see my sincerity.
He ignores my words and instead looks deep into my eyes like he's looking for something.
"You like me?" he presses.
"So what if I do?" I look away again, crossing my arms defensively and feeling embarrassed.
I risk a quick glance back at him out of the corner of my eye and see that he's smiling. Then I hear him move and look up when he wraps his arms around me. Relief washes over me and I fall into his hug, wrapping my own arms around him in return, not even caring that my clothes are becoming damp from the embrace. After a long moment that I relish, he takes a step back.
"You want to come in?" he asks, gesturing behind him at the apartment he hasn't been able to make it past the threshold into.
"Sure." I nod, feeling like finally everything is right in my world.
I'm out of heat and Alec isn't upset with me. At least for now, I'm happy.