Chapter 16: Darkness
The almost instinctive inability to let my guard down that was forcibly ingrained into me drags me back to consciousness again. My eyes snap open. I sense someone approaching.
"Jess?" a familiar voice fills my ears.
A moment later, Alec appears in my field of vision. He's frowning and he looks so worried. My mind is still so hazy with pain that I wonder what the problem is.
"Hi." I say weakly, my voice sounding more like a croak when it leaves my mouth. I almost don't recognize it.
"Oh, my God. What happened to you?" Alec asks, dropping to his knees next to me.
Water streams down his face and I realize in that still disjointed, absent way that the rain has gotten heavier.
"I ran into some CAT guys that didn't seem to want to go down like they're supposed to." I cough, trying to dispel the lump in my throat but the action of coughing makes me gasp from the pain that flares through my whole torso.
"Familiars." Alec says.
My brow furrows with confusion. Alec sees my look and shakes his head.
"I'll explain later. Let's get you out of here. Can you move?" he asks.
I shake my head weakly.
"I'm sorry." I apologize, feeling like I've let him down despite the silent promise I made earlier not to fail him.
"No, it's okay. I can carry you." he says immediately.
"Your stomach." I protest.
"It's fine." Alec says, shifting so that he's crouched next to me and sliding his hands under my shoulders, "I'm sorry if this hurts."
I don't have the strength to stop him so I just nod, gritting my teeth against the pain as he lifts up my torso enough to get one arm around me and then shifts me so that he can get his other arm under my legs. I almost scream from the pain as he lifts me off the ground, holding me tight to his chest. And I see from the look on his face that he's in pain, too, but he sees me looking at him and quickly suppresses any sign of discomfort. I slowly let my breath hiss out between my clenched teeth and close my eyes, letting my head rest against his chest, feeling my consciousness fading in and out. I can tell he's trying not to jostle me as he hurries off somewhere, I don't care where, but despite his care the movement is still causing waves of pain to crash through my body.
"Please, don't pass out." Alec's voice reaches through the fog of my thoughts.
"Why not?" I gasp out the words. All I want is to return to that sweet oblivion where nothing hurts.
"Because." Alec pauses, grunting as he shifts me in his arms again, getting a firmer grip. It feels like knives stabbing through me and I practically whimper, tears brimming in my eyes, "Because I need you here."
I can't reply. I'm drifting. The darkness is creeping in around the edges of my vision.
"Jess?" Alec's voice sounds so far away, "Jess! Open your eyes, damn it!"
Automatically, I struggle to comply with his command even though I don't even remember closing them. It's so hard to pry my eyes open.
"Do not faint on me." Alec orders, but his voice has lost the edge it had before, "You're going to be okay. I just have to get you somewhere safe. Just hold on for a little longer, okay?"
I try to say okay, but no sound comes out of my mouth. I focus my eyes on Alec's face as he looks down at me. He's so worried. I want to reassure him, but I can't. It's taking all the energy I've got left to stay with him. So, I simply continue to stare at him as he turns his attention back to where he's going.
Suddenly, I'm jarred by his abrupt stop. I realize that, despite my efforts, I was drifting again, but the sudden stop snaps me out of it. I turn my head ever so slightly so that I can see what made him halt.
Alec is surrounded. Three CAT soldiers. Slowly, he sets me down on the ground and raises his fists, ready to fight. The CAT soldiers smirk, amused that the transgenic is going to put up a fight despite the odds against him.
"Give it up, freak." one of them says, "We've almost got the place secured. You might as well come quietly."
"Fuck you." Alec snaps.
"Have it your way." the soldier shrugs.
The soldiers close in on Alec, moving with cautious precision. Alec lashes out quickly, smashing his fist into the face of the guy who spoke. The soldier crumples to the ground, instantly unconscious.
"You know what your problem is?" Alec asks as he spins around to catch the second soldier across the face with his elbow, "You're jealous of us."
"Jealous of you freaks?" the second soldier says incredulously as he rubs his jaw in the interval provided by his companion's attack on Alec, "Never!"
"Denial, man, is an ugly trait." Alec says as he catches the other man's fist and pulls the guy off balance.
Alec's arm comes down on the back of the guy's skull and he face-plants on the pavement. A swift kick to his temple ensures that he won't be getting back up. Alec turns to the final soldier.
"What do you got against me, anyway? Oh! Was it your girlfriend I slept with last week? Sorry, man. She didn't seem to mind getting freaky." Alec taunts and ducks a punch, "You know, maybe if you were genetically enhanced, the ladies would throw themselves at you, too."
"Shut up, you fucking freak!" the soldier screams in fury, hurling himself at Alec.
Alec socks him in the stomach.
"Stop calling me that." he says quietly before punching the guy in the face and sending him to join his companions.
Alec turns back to me quickly and picks me up again. It's not lost on me that he seems to be struggling even more to pick me up this time and I know his wound must be killing him.
"Sorry." he says, trying to be gentle as once again he has to jostle me, "Thank God they were just Ordinaries."
I don't reply because once again I'm miles away. Everything is fuzzy so I blink to try and clear my eyes, but once they close they won't open again.
I don't know how much time passes before I wake again.
"Alec?" I immediately ask before I'm even fully conscious.
When he doesn't reply, I momentarily feel alone and scared, but then I get a grip on myself. I blink my eyes open and assess the situation around me.
I'm in Alec's apartment, lying on his bed so at least I'm somewhere safe. The blankets are drawn up to my chin. A bowl of bloody water and a stained washcloth lay on the nightstand next to me. I realize that Alec must have cleaned my wounds. But where is he now?
"Alec." I call louder.
My voice still sounds weak and strained to my ears. I vaguely remember one of the soldiers pressing his boot into my throat before the others convinced him that his method of killing was not painful enough for filth like me. I figure that must be the reason why I'm having so much trouble speaking.
"Alec." I try again.
Still, there's no answer. I bite my lip in determination as I decide to get up and go look for him. My teeth dig into the skin of my lip as I try to move. The skin splits as I put weight on my feet and attempt to stand. I cry out as my legs crumple under my weight. I barely manage to catch the bed and keep myself from hitting the floor. Instead, I slowly lower myself to the ground where I stay, tears in my eyes from the pain. I hate this helplessness. What if Alec or Kira need me?
That thought sends a new wave of determination through me, spurring me to try again. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, clutch the bed frame, and use it to pull myself back to my feet. Slowly, ever so slowly, I take a step towards the door. I can taste the blood from my lip and it brings memories to the fore of my mind.
Blood. There was so much blood. None of it mine, but I still felt like it was oozing out of me. This was my doing, all this blood. I wondered what I should feel. No, I shouldn't feel at all. I should report back that I had completed my mission.
I wiped my bloody hands on my pants and walked away.
I blink slowly, ridding myself of that memory. I've noticed that whenever I'm hurt or unconscious I tend to have these flashbacks. Something about the pain, the cold, the numbness, the dark; it brings back Manticore. Or maybe the memories are just lurking in the depths of my mind, waiting for when I'm weak to reassert themselves. Neither of these scenarios is very appealing to consider.
I take another agonizing step, reaching the end of the bed. I muster what little strength I have, knowing that my next step will take me away from the support of the bed. I close my eyes again. I'll go on the count of three. I'll take that step and, ultimately, I'll reach the door. I slowly count to three then push away from the bed. I take a few quick steps toward the door before I feel my legs giving way again. I manage a few more stumbling steps before I fall against the door frame. I let myself slide back down to the floor, my breath coming out as a pained hiss between my teeth. God, I hurt!
"Alec." I croak through the pain, looking out across the apartment.
He's not there. The apartment is empty. I sigh and close my eyes, leaning my head back against the door frame, feeling defeated.
I tell myself that I won't pass out again, not this time. I'm just going to rest for a little while before I go look for Alec. I keep repeating that in my brain, but I drop out of consciousness anyway.
I glanced back at the man I had just robbed, saw him reach for his wallet and discover it was gone. He frantically searched for the missing article, but obviously, he didn't find it. It was securely in my possession.
The man turned to his female companion, probably his wife, and began to tell her what had happened. She became very upset and he looked like he was about to cry. His helplessness made her even more upset and she began to yell loud enough for her voice to carry over to me.
"How could you let this happen? How are we going to feed the children? You know how this city is. You should have been paying more attention. Oh God, Henry. What are we going to do?" she broke into sobs.
The man, Henry, put his arms around her, stroking her hair. He offered her no comfort, he probably couldn't think of anything to say that would help the situation.
I tore my eyes away. I had to get moving. It was too suspicious to stand around here staring at the couple. I had to go and meet Kira. But for some reason I couldn't seem to leave. My eyes wandered back to the couple and a strange feeling came over me. I felt like I shouldn't have taken that man's wallet. I felt similar to the way I felt when a mission failed because of me. It wasn't a good feeling.
I frowned, looking down at my feet for a moment. Stealing had never bothered me before. I did what I had to and besides, I didn't know those people. Why should I care about them? But suddenly all I could think about was that woman talking about not being able to feed their children and how it felt when hunger pains had wracked my stomach at Manticore when they'd decided to test how long we could survive without food or water.
I started to walk away, but the feeling inside of me grew worse. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I spun on my heel and circled around the couple to come up behind them.
"Excuse me." I tapped the man on the shoulder, "Did you drop this?"
I held out the wallet to him, plastering an innocent look on my face. The man's face lit up with happiness as he snatched the wallet from my hands.
"Thank you so much. It's not often that someone would return this these days." he babbled.
"Bless you." the woman added before the pair hurried away.
I watched them leave. The feeling inside of me was gone, but I continued to frown. I wasn't looking forward to explaining this to Kira. With a sigh, I walked away. I'd just have to find another way to make enough money for food, gas, and lodgings.
Slowly, I'm released from the confines of my own mind and return to consciousness again. The disorienting sensation of having no idea how much time has passed hits me, but I feel like it's been a long time. I look around to see if there's any reason why I returned to consciousness at this precise moment.
"Alec." I almost gasp his name when I see him.
I struggle to get to my feet, but fail miserably. Alec comes over to me, gesturing for me to stay put. He has a black eye and he's holding his stomach. He winces as he joins me on the floor.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Fine. What are you doing out of bed?" he demands.
I ignore his question. It's much more important that I find out what's going on.
"What's happening? Have you seen Kira? What happened to Katie and the others?" I ask.
Alec shakes his head. He really looks exhausted.
"It's over. For now, anyway. They retreated. They lost too many people. I saw White on the outside talking to the guy calling the shots. I think he was the one who called them off. I think this was just a test. They wanted to see what kind of resistance they'd meet, get a feel for our defenses. They'll be back and next time, we won't be so lucky. We can't stay here. The whole coexisting thing just isn't going to happen like this." Alec sighs, covering his face with his hand for a moment before he looks up at me and continues, "Kira was wounded. She's alright, she just got winged. Krit got her out before anything bad happened. I don't know what happened to Katie and the others. I haven't seen them. I was...I was trying to help Max."
My eyes narrow. There's something in his tone that makes me think something is wrong.
"Is Max okay?" I ask.
"She was in the thick of it. I think they had orders to take her down specifically. She got beat up even worse than you did. She was still unconscious when Lena made me leave." Alec closes his eyes and takes a deep, shaky breath.
He's obviously very worried about Max. I stretch out my arm to place a hand on top of his. His knuckles are split and bloody.
The sight of blood on Alec's hands reminds me of the blood that appeared on the forehead of the first soldier I shot. My photographic memory replays the action in my brain, showing me even the most minute details. The name badge on the man's uniform read Fulton. It was the same man who had been on the news, talking about how he only wanted to make the world safe for his kids. Guilt washes over me as I see the bullet enter his head over and over in my mind. His kids are fatherless now and I'm the assassin that Manticore wanted me to be.
Alec squeezes my hand and I blink, realizing that I was staring at his bloody knuckles.
"Are you okay, Jess?" he asks.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay." I nod, desperately trying to dispel my guilt by reminding myself that I only killed in self-defense.
They came here to kill us. I shouldn't feel guilty about taking them out first. Besides, they were just targets, right? Not people. But all of a sudden, targets were people again. All of a sudden, I was a murderer, not a soldier. I shut my eyes tightly, wishing that I could forget it all. But I've never been very good at that either.
"Tell me." Alec insists.
I look up at him, surprised that he can read me so well even when he's about to pass out from sheer exhaustion.
"A lot of people died today."
"I know. But we'll make those bastards pay for what..." Alec begins, eyes flashing with anger as he thinks about all the casualties on our side.
"No. Not just us. Them, too." I interrupt.
Alec's eyes meet mine and I can see that he understands what's bothering me now.
"It's not your fault."
"I still feel guilty."
"You didn't ask for this. They would have killed you without a moment's hesitation. They don't even see us as people. According to some wack-job preacher on TV, we're not even really alive to begin with because we don't have souls or some shit."
"That may be, but it doesn't change anything. I was doing what we were trained to do. If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't have left Manticore."
"Jess, you have to know that there was no other way."
"I just wish it didn't have to be like this."
"I know. We all do." Alec sighs heavily.
He closes his eyes again and for a moment appears to be asleep, but with a start he opens his eyes, fighting to stay awake.
"Sleep." I tell him, "It's okay."
He nods slowly. But instead of going to his soft, comfortable bed, he stretches out on the floor next to me. He cautiously lays his head on my thigh and almost instantly falls asleep.
I watch Alec sleep for a long time. How long, I'm not sure exactly. I seem to have lost all sense of time. I'm not even sure if it's day or night. Truthfully, I don't care. I would much rather suspend time, put off dealing with the repercussions of the attack on Terminal City.
I push the hair off of Alec's forehead. For a brief moment, I wonder what my life would be like if I never met him at all, if maybe I was a normal person and not some strange science experiment. But that's only for a second before I make myself get a grip on cold, hard reality.
The aftermath of this attack could possibly be as bad as the attack itself. Our haven for transgenics has been destroyed and we have no other asylum. We obviously can't stay here. CAT knows this place now. But where can we go? Where are hundreds of transgenics going to hide in a world that wants us dead? I'm immensely glad that I'm not Max and the decision doesn't fall to me.
Alec mumbles something in his sleep and his brow furrows. He looks like he's having a bad dream. I stroke his cheek, trying to soothe him, but it doesn't seem to help much. He begins to shift back and forth, as if he's trying to get away from whatever he's dreaming.
"Alec. Alec, it's alright." I call to him.
"Rachel." he mutters.
He sighs and stops struggling. I'm not sure what to feel. He mistook my voice for Rachel's, the woman he loved and killed.
Suddenly, Alec begins to stir again, but this time it's not just tossing and turning. He's shaking with growing violence. He must be having a seizure. I look around frantically, trying to locate something that will help him. I know that the seizures experienced by X5s are a result of low levels of serotonin, a side effect of all the gene splicing. We need something to supplement the serotonin or we can have a seizure. Some have it worse than others. I'm lucky enough to be one of the few that rarely experience seizures. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of the medications that Manticore gave us for years. Maybe I responded to the treatment well. Whatever the reason, I never really know how to react to the condition in others.
"Alec, wake up." I urge him.
I shift, pulling my leg out from under him, hoping the absence of his pillow will help him to wake up. He lets out a shaky groan and opens his eyes.
"A seizure. Just great. In the bathroom, under the sink, I put a bottle of tryptophan. Think you can go grab it?" Alec asks, his voice halting and jerky.
I nod and pull myself to my feet. Instantly, I feel dizzy. The room swims before my eyes. I take a few deep breaths before moving past Alec and over to the bathroom door. My hands clutch the sink to steady myself as soon as I'm able to reach it. I look in the mirror. It's cracked at the top, like something hit it and I'm sure that wasn't there before. I wonder if Alec caused it, maybe taking out his anxiety over Max on the glass. I wonder if it was that and not the CAT soldiers that caused the blood on his knuckles.
Taking another deep breath, I assess my reflection. I look like hell. My hair is a mess of tangles and my face is a collage of bruises. Just standing here is almost more than I can take. I kneel and open the cabinet beneath the sink to find the meds for Alec before my body quits on me again. A small white bottle is the only thing besides the med kit inside the cabinet. I grab it and start back to Alec, hoping to reach him quickly before the pain becomes too much. I crumple next to Alec and struggle to open the bottle. My own hands are starting to shake from nervousness and as an aftereffect of the physical exertion it took to get them. Finally, white pills spill into my hand.
"How many?" I ask.
He doesn't respond, simply snatching all the pills in my hand and popping them into his mouth. He swallows them dry, his eyes focused firmly on the ceiling. He's pulled himself into a sitting position in the spot I previously occupied, leaning back against the door frame. I scoot closer to him and wrap my arms around him, trying to steady him with what little strength I have.
"Do you have these a lot?" I ask him.
"N...not usually. I think Max and her 'sibs' got the worst of it because they split before Manticore started the treatments. I only have them maybe once a year, if that. No big deal, really."
I smile slightly at his attempt to brush off even his seizures. I rest my head on his shaking shoulder.
"How about you?" he asks.
"I hardly ever get them. I haven't had one in years."
"That's nice." Alec closes his eyes briefly, "Look, Jess. I know that you want to go and check on Kira, but...could you just wait for maybe a little while? You know, until this stupid seizure is over and I'm back to my usual charming self."
He flashes a hint of his usual grin.
"I'm not going anywhere." I assure him.
"I knew it. Can't resist me."
I smile. His seizures are slightly less violent now. The tryptophan must be starting to kick in.
"So, what are Familiars?" I ask after a moment of silence.
"Oh, them. Familiars would be those wack guys that you shoot and don't hurt. They're part of that psycho breeding cult I told you about before, the one that White's a part of. They've been selectively breeding for hundreds of years to become as strong and as fast as we are. Only problem is that they don't feel pain like we do. Plus, we kind of piss them off, what with having all their traits with none of the centuries of work. CAT must be filled with them, which is definitely bad news for us."
That explains the CAT soldiers I ran into. I accept this information and process it in silence. Once again, I do not envy Max her position.
"How's your stomach?" I ask finally, changing the subject.
"Fine." he replies shortly, clearly unwilling to go into much detail even though I know the wound is hurting him and probably needs attention.
He sounds so tired. Maybe he needs rest more than he needs someone prodding at his wounds.
"You can go to sleep again if you want." I offer.
"No, I'm alright."
"You'll heal faster if you sleep."
"I'm fine." he insists, obstinately.
"Alec."
"I said I'm fine." he repeats, but his voice lacks any conviction and he sounds like he's drifting off already.
I say nothing and within minutes his eyes close and his head falls back against the doorframe. His breathing slows. He's asleep again and his seizures are dying down. By the time he wakes up, they should be over with.
I should go to the infirmary to see Kira now, but when I think about how badly moving still hurts, I decide against it. I'll rest a little longer and maybe when Alec wakes up, we can go there together. That way he can check on Max, too. And I can thank Krit for looking out for my friend. He really is a good guy.
Alec is only shaking faintly now, barely noticeable. I'm relieved that the seizure wasn't worse. Alec is injured already. He doesn't need a bad seizure on top of that.
"I need you here, too, you know." I whisper to his sleeping form, "I don't know what's going to happen to all of us now, but I can't go back to the way things were before. You've ruined that for me. I need you now. Kira may not like it, but I didn't ask for it to happen. All of a sudden, you meant something to me. It's your fault, really. You were the one who had to take that mission. You were the one who had to bring us here and be so understanding. You were the one who had to actually care about me. Now look at me. I can hardly even think of living without you. That's not something Manticore would encourage, you know. It has to be your doing."
I sigh deeply, enjoying the feel of my head on his shoulder.
"I just wish everything wasn't so hard. I wish this could be simple, that I could just tell you how I feel and you could tell me what you feel without any weird history between us, without any life and death situations getting in the way, without your tragic past experiences making it so difficult for you to feel strongly about anyone. That's one thing about Manticore. Everything was pretty simple there. You did what you were told. You didn't feel anything about anyone. The only person you were supposed to care about was yourself. Only problem was, they didn't create us that way. We're still human. At least, I think we are."
Alec continues to sleep peacefully, not shaking at all anymore. I sigh again and close my eyes.