Chapter 18: Goodbyes
Alec returns a few moments later, masterfully balancing four trays brimming with food. None of us have eaten in some time and, at the sight of food, my stomach growls loudly.
Alec pauses and tilts his head to one side.
"Is that a stomach growling I hear?" he teases.
"The question is, whose stomach was it?" I reply, "We're both starving."
"Guilty lamb bahs first." Alec replies, raising an eyebrow at me, "Or something like that."
He decides not to tease us any longer, but hands over a tray to each of us, then heads across the room to deliver one to Max.
"Your highness." he says with a mock bow as he presents it to her.
"It's about time you figured that out." Max returns haughtily.
Alec just grins and returns to our side of the room. He still seems like he's trying a little too hard to keep things light, but now I've got my own troubled thoughts weighing on me, too. I try to smile back at him, but it's hard when all I can think about is that this will probably be the last time I'll get to see him. I hide my expression behind an apple, taking a large bite.
Alec sits at the end of Kira's bed, across from my chair. He's barely managed to sit down when Syl appears next to him.
"Thanks." she says, snatching a sandwich off his tray and retreating.
"Hey!" Alec protests, but without much force. He shakes his head and looks after the small blonde's retreating figure, "Women."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kira demands around a mouthful of food.
"Here we go again." Alec smirks.
I watch as Syl and Krit argue over why Syl should or should not share the stolen sandwich with Krit. It ends abruptly when Syl stuffs the remainder of the sandwich in her mouth and Krit goes to work on the other side of the room in defeat. Syl catches my gaze and grins, giving an elaborate shrug of her shoulders.
We were trained to think of the '09 escapees as traitors, rats, betrayers. They sure beat it into our heads enough times. However, I've never really seen them that way. I used to dislike them, but not for the reasons that we were supposed to. I disliked them at first because I couldn't understand them and then later because I envied them. Then, of course, I became a traitor, too, when I escaped, so a lot of the training about '09ers didn't really apply anymore. And now that I've met three of them, I can't really see any reason why we should hate them. The only people who I can understand harboring any ill-will towards the escapees would be their twins, especially Alec, who had it so hard after they left because of their genetic similarities. However, Alec has clearly shrugged off that hatred since he's stayed with Max for so long and appears to enjoy Krit and Syl's company, as well. I wonder briefly what life has been like for the twelve of them, being on the outside for so long.
"How you feeling, Jess?" Alec asks with a frown of concern.
I realize that I have stopped eating, distracted by my thoughts.
"I'm okay." I say quickly, taking another bite of my apple.
I wonder if I should tell him that Kira and I are leaving. I'm not very good at saying goodbye. I've never really had any practice. But doesn't Alec deserve it? It wouldn't be right to just slip out without telling him. Besides, he might worry. So I will tell him goodbye. It's decided. I just have to figure out how I'm going to do it.
I think about it throughout the remainder of our meal. My mind turns over all the possibilities while I eat my food and give simple comments and responses to the conversations taking place. My genetically-enhanced brain processes the information, but comes up with no solution. Alec takes the empty tray from my hands and I still have no idea what to do.
"We should probably get you somewhere where you can lie down for a bit." Alec muses.
I'm about to protest that I'm fine, but then I realize that I should go to our quarters and collect the few possessions that Kira and I have. Maybe then I can explain everything to Alec in private. I would definitely rather have the conversation without an audience.
"Will you help me back to my place?" I ask.
"Do you really have to ask? Come on, when have I not helped you?" Alec rolls his eyes, then seems to realize something and quickly adds, "And don't you play that 'taking you down at Manticore' card again. You can only play that so many times."
"Yes, sir." I tease, giving him a mock salute.
Alec gives me a hand and pulls me to my feet. I still feel kind of shaky and very weak, but I'm getting better after every opportunity to rest.
Alec pauses as we move past Max.
"Hey, Max. I'm going to take Jess back to her place. I know you can't stand to have me out of sight, but try to keep from screaming this time, okay?"
Max flings her tray at Alec's head, but Alec drops my hand and catches it before it hits him.
"That wasn't nice."
"Oops. It slipped." Max says with a wide-eyed innocent expression.
"Right." Alec says sarcastically, taking my hand again and continuing towards the door.
I don't say anything the whole way to the mess hall where we return the trays, simply listening as Alec recounts the numerous unjust injuries that Max has inflicted upon him.
"You're awfully quiet." Alec finally comments.
"I know."
"Is something wrong?"
We haven't reached my building yet, but it seems like I have to say something.
"Yes." I admit. I haven't come up with any good way of breaking the news to him so I simply say, "We're leaving."
Alec shakes his head quickly, dropping my hand.
"What?" he demands, his body rigid.
I sigh. This isn't going to be pleasant.
"Kira and I, we're leaving. I'm going to get our things together and we're going to head out of here before everything gets too chaotic."
"And when were you planning on telling me? When you'd got everything packed? Or were you going to tell me at all?" Alec demands.
I wince.
"I was going to tell you, Alec. I just wasn't sure how."
Alec's eyes smolder for a moment, but then the emotion disappears from them entirely.
"That's fine." he says, his tone even, "You do what you've got to do. I understand."
"Alec." I say sharply, forcing him to look me in the eye, "I'm sorry, okay? What did you want me to do? Wait until you and Max took off? We both know that we're going to have to split up and lay low. You said so yourself. Kira and I are just getting a head start. We'll be traveling kind of slow, so we need the extra time."
Alec's eyes soften slightly and the soldier mask fades away. At least I've managed to keep him from slipping back behind the 494 shield again.
"I wanted you to come with me, Jess." he admits, looking uncharacteristically nervous and awkward, "I…uh…just hadn't thought of a way to ask yet."
Well, at least now I know why he's been acting a little strangely. Apparently, he's been worrying over everyone splitting up, too, just not the same way that I have. I shake my head sadly because ultimately he's going to have to realize what I have, that there's no practical way for us to stick together.
"We both know that's not an option. Max needs you with her and I've got to go with Kira."
"Why can't you both come with me and Max?"
"Are you kidding? Max will need her team with her. You, Krit, Syl, Dix, Mole, Joshua. She can't take any more people with her, especially two that will slow her down. You know that White guy is out to get her more than anyone."
Alec frowns and is silent for a long moment. I hope that he's beginning to understand.
"So, I'll go with you two." he says suddenly.
My eyes widen in surprise.
"What about Max?"
"Like you said, Max is going to have a bunch of people with her already. She doesn't need me."
I shake my head again and smile sadly. As much as I might want that to be true, I know that it's not, "Max needs you, Alec. It's obvious. You're her SIC. I can't break up her team."
Alec doesn't reply, looking off to the side like maybe he'll find the answer over there somewhere.
"Maybe I'll see you when this all blows over." I offer, although I don't really believe that myself.
I move past him. I have to get our things. That's all I can really think about. Everything else is too painful.
Alec's hand grabs my arm, stopping me. I turn and look up at him questioningly.
"I have to get our stuff together, Alec." I say finally when it doesn't seem like he's going to say anything.
He nods slowly, but doesn't release my arm. I tug a little, trying half-heartedly to get my arm back. Reluctantly, he lets go, but when I start to move away, he moves with me. We walk silently to my building. I avoid looking at Alec, unsure of what I'll find in his eyes now. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I just don't see another way.
I open the door to the building and enter, feeling Alec follow, but noticing that he stops in the doorway of our unit. I have no idea what else I can say, so I simply proceed with collecting my things. I feel Alec watching me as I set a black duffel bag on the couch and begin filling it with clothes.
"This is bullshit!" Alec exclaims unexpectedly.
I jump at the sound of his voice. The vehemence in it is enough to make me forget my wariness about looking him in the face. He looks furious.
"This is complete and utter bullshit. I refuse to accept that this is the only way." he announces angrily.
"Well, if you have any ideas, please share because I'm all out." I snap back in frustration.
"Well, give me some time, damn it! Don't leave right now."
I shake my head and stuff clothes into the duffel bag more roughly, "No, Alec. I can't. We have to leave."
"You know what? Fine. Good. Beat it. I should've figured you'd skip out before the rest of us. That's what you do, right?"
I glance up at him in shock. I can't believe he said that. This is nothing like that! His face shows no remorse. His lips are twisted in a slightly sardonic version of his usual smirk, his eyes show nothing. He barely looks like the Alec I know. Before I can make a sound, he spins on his heel and disappears from the doorway.
The anger I sought before kindles itself anew. I grab the closest thing to my hand, a shoe, and fling it at the wall near where he stood. This isn't fair! How dare he make it seem like this is my choice, my fault!
"I hate you, Alec!" I growl, for the first time completing that sentence with the name Alec instead of the designation 494.
As if in response, rain begins to splash against the ground outside the open door. I scowl at the falling drops and finish packing as quickly as I can manage.
I struggle with the black duffel bag all the way back to the infirmary. It isn't that heavy, I'm just more exhausted than I'd planned, both emotionally and physically. Damn, Alec. Why couldn't he just accept that we have to go? I don't like it either, but life's like that. It's hard and it sucks, but you just have to keep moving. We all know that. It was part of our training. Suck it up and get on with it, soldier.
"What seems to be the problem, soldier?" the tac leader demanded, looming ominously over me.
I kept my eyes firmly planted on the training mat. I didn't want to look up at the tac leader and reveal the salty drops streaming down my face. I sniffed, desperately trying to regain control.
We had just started our sparring training at around four years of age. I'd been beat rather soundly by my opponent and it hurt. I'd hit the mat and I hadn't gotten up. My eyes had welled up, my throat had gotten scratchy, and my nose had started running.
"Nothing, sir." I whimpered.
"Are you crying, soldier?" the tac leader yelled in disbelief.
"Sir?" I asked, unfamiliar with his terminology.
"On your feet, now!" the tac leader commanded.
I scrambled to my feet as quickly as I could, swiping a fist across my eyes to get rid of some of the condensation before falling in at attention. I fixed my eyes straight ahead, but I could feel the tac leader scrutinizing me from off to my left. I could sense his anger. I combated the urge to sniffle.
"You're crying like a pathetic little infant! Are you a soldier or aren't you?" the tac leader demanded.
"Yes, sir!" I responded immediately.
"Then, why are you crying, soldier?"
"I don't know, sir! It just happened, sir. I'm sorry, sir!" I squeaked past the lump in my throat.
"Do you remember what you've been taught about controlling your emotions, soldier?"
"Yes, sir! Emotions cloud your judgment. Emotions are a weakness. Emotions get you killed. Sir!" I recited.
"Why don't you think about that while you enjoy some extended PT."
"Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!"
That's one thing Manticore was right about. Getting upset about something doesn't do you any good.
Finally, I reach the infirmary. I decide to rest for a bit, setting down the bag and leaning against the wall. I'm pretty soaked from walking in the rain and pretty cold to boot, but my thoughts are too focused on other matters to care much about it. It's simply something else to add to my lists of things that are going wrong. I wring out my hair with a sigh.
"Hey there." a familiar voice that's way too cheerful for my current mood greets me, "You look a little drowned. Don't you want to come in out of the rain?"
I turn towards the infirmary door with another sigh.
"Hi, Krit. I was planning on going inside in just a second. I'm just taking a breather and enjoying this fine Seattle weather." I quip, forcing a half-smile.
"Here, let me help you." Krit says immediately, grabbing the bag with one hand and my arm with the other.
Normally, I'd be grateful for the assistance, but not now. Now, I just resign myself to the fact that I have to go inside and face Kira's scrutiny. In the light inside the building it will be practically impossible to hide my emotions from her. The only thing I can think to do is to fall back on my training and let 613 reassert herself. As Krit opens the door, I look up, satisfied that my face is now an emotionless mask. I'm ready.
Lena is just finishing putting a fresh bandage on Kira's shoulder when we walk in.
"Jess, where's Alec? I need to talk to him." Max calls, drawing my attention.
I fix my empty gaze on Max and she cuts herself off abruptly when she sees my face.
"Nevermind." she says, "Syl, could you find that moron for me?"
Syl cocks her head questioningly, but I ignore her and turn back to Kira.
"Ready to go?" I ask, gesturing at the duffel Krit still carries.
Kira glances at Lena. The older X-series tucks the end of the bandage under a previous fold and nods.
"Wait a minute! You're leaving?" Max demands, surprised.
"We can't stay. It's too dangerous around here. We figured that everyone would probably be going to ground sooner or later. We're just getting a head start because I can't travel too fast at the moment." I explain yet again, keeping my words as emotionless as my face.
"But...but...how can you just leave? Aren't you tired of always being on the run, hiding what you are, always looking over your shoulder?" Max asks.
"Of course, but we don't have a choice, Max."
Max sighs and hangs her head in defeat, finally accepting that the Terminal City mission has failed.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe it's safer for everyone if the transgenics leave Seattle. But Seattle has been my home. It's hard for me to leave it." Max sighs a second time, "I won't stop you. Do what you think is best. But I'm not giving up on the idea of a safe haven for us. We'll get through this. We're strong. We were built that way. And no stupid military acronym is going to change that."
"Well, that was inspiring."
Everyone turns to see Alec leaning against the door frame, arms folded across his chest.
"Too bad no one's buying it." he continues. He's still sporting that angry, twisted smirk and it makes my hands clench into fists at my sides.
"Alec." Max growls, "We'll talk about this later."
"Give it up, Max. Humans are never going to accept us and leave us alone, much less White and his goons. Everybody knows it. In fact, Kira and Jess aren't the only one's packing their bags. Everybody's assumed we're going to ground. They're just waiting for confirmation."
"Alec," Max orders through clenched teeth, "come here."
Alec rolls his eyes and walks over to Max's bedside. As soon as he's close, Max flips over and punches him right in the face. She must have hit him pretty hard because the next thing I know, Alec is on the floor.
"Temper, temper, Maxie." Alec teases, not sounding the least affected by the attack, "You decking me isn't going to change anything. Some people have decided to leave no matter what anyone says or does."
Alec shoots me a look as he gets back to his feet. I stare coolly back at him, not letting any sign that I even heard him cross my face.
"You know what? Screw this. I'm out of here, too. I should've split a long time ago." Alec declares.
"Alec!" Max protests, but he's already out the door.
I pretend nothing happened and turn back to Kira again.
"We should get moving." I remind her.
"Yeah, okay." she agrees, walking over and trying to take the duffel from Krit.
"Aren't you going to say goodbye?" Krit asks, refusing to relinquish it.
"Goodbye." she replies, smiling slightly.
I can't stop my eyes from widening in surprise. When did this develop? There's enough tension between those two to make me want to take a few steps back and distance myself from them.
"I'll look you up sometime. You know, when this blows over." Krit says.
"I'll hold you to that." Kira warns.
"Good."
"Can I have our bag now, please?" Kira asks.
"Sure." Krit shrugs, but as Kira reaches for the bag, he leans in and kisses her.
I think my jaw actually drops. I tear my eyes away from the two and glance around the room. Everyone else is staring at them, too. Max looks as surprised as I feel. Syl's smirking.
"Get a room!" she calls.
I glance back at Kira and Krit who have finally split apart. Kira's looking down at the floor, her cheeks red. Krit's grinning.
I clear my throat to gain Kira's attention.
"Um…can we go now?" I ask.
"Uh...yeah...let's go." she says, sliding past Krit and towards the door. I follow after her. As the door closes behind me I hear Max demanding an explanation from Krit.
"You know, I think you owe me an explanation, too." I comment to Kira, knowing that she can hear Max as well as I can.
Kira turns her gaze away from me and I almost smile. It's nice to think about something besides...him.
"I'll think about it." Kira says.
I don't reply. I can't think of anything else to say. I watch the rain splash on the pavement as we head over to the spot in the fence where Alec first led us in. We're both being cautious. There's no telling who could be waiting for us on the outside. CAT is probably expecting something like this. It would make their job all too easy if we got ourselves shot strolling out of Terminal City.
I note that my mood has deteriorated rapidly. For a little while, I was distracted by Kira and Krit, but ultimately I've still returned to the same depressed and wary state I was in when we first arrived here in Seattle.
Kira goes through the fence first, darting through and across to an alley. She waves back at me and I follow, eyes searching every shadow for movement. Nothing. We both make it out without any problems.
I glance over my shoulder at the dark mass of buildings where I actually felt at home for a short while. No, I was wrong. It's not the same feeling I had before when we first came to this place. It's worse.