Chapter 19: Talk
"Are you going to sulk the whole trip?"
I ignore Kira and continue to pretend to be asleep. I can feel my friend glaring at me and I know that she's not fooled in the slightest. With a sigh, I reluctantly open my eyes, but I don't move from the position I'm in, resting my forehead against the cool glass of the passenger-side window. The landscape passes before my eyes, but I'm not really paying any attention to it. I really couldn't care less about our surroundings right now.
"I hate it when you're like this, you know. You're so moody." Kira complains.
I roll my eyes slightly. Now that it's just the two of us again it seems like I'm not the only one who has reverted back to their old self. Before we hooked up with Alec, Kira always complained that I needed to loosen up and try to have some fun. Funny how when I actually did start to loosen up, she ragged on me about opening myself up to getting hurt again and trusting people too easily. Well, not people so much as Alec specifically. Still, she's a total hypocrite.
Kira and I stole a car pretty soon after we left Terminal City and we're currently on the road to nowhere. Out of the city and as far from TC as possible, that's all we really know. Having a destination in mind would require more planning than we've had time for. Plus, I'm not really in the mood to think about our future.
"I'll bet Alec's not being all..." Kira prods, trailing off with a vague gesture at me as if there's no adequate adjectives to describe my current mood.
"I know exactly what Alec's doing right now." I reply evenly, still staring vacantly out the window.
"Oh, really?" Kira says skeptically.
"He's pacing around his apartment, throwing his things into a bag while he talks to himself and gets as drunk as he can."
"And how do you know this?"
I shrug, "I know him."
Kira scoffs.
"How can you know him that well when you've only been on speaking terms for a few days?"
"It's not like that."
"Whatever."
"Hey, you brought it up." I point out, turning to her, frowning. I'd much rather not talk about him.
"You're right. My mistake." she agrees. After a moment of silence she continues, "Next time, we're stealing a car with a working radio."
I lean my head back against the window. I sure could use a drink. I think jealously of the drink that Alec is undoubtedly consuming at this exact moment. Yet another reason to hate him. Good. It's easier to hate him.
This is going to be a long trip.
Movement attracts my attention and the next thing I know my head slams against the window hard enough to make my vision momentarily blur as the car swerves, tires skidding on the road. I brace myself as we screech to a stop.
"What the hell?" I demand, my eyes scanning the road for the reason why Kira slammed on the brakes.
And then I see the reason. A familiar green motorcycle is stopped ahead of us on the road, the rider's face hidden by his helmet as he walks back towards us, but I know who it is. That son of a bitch.
I ignore the pounding in my head from the impact with the window. I hardly even notice the spiderweb cracks that have split the glass, evidence that I probably have a concussion. I ignore Kira's voice calling me. All I know is that the reason for everything is walking towards me down the road. I throw the door open and leap from the car, storming out to meet him. He removes his helmet and opens his mouth to speak.
"Don't you even dare." I snap before he can get out a word, "Don't you dare say anything. What the hell were you thinking? You could have killed us! God, I hate you so much. You never think. You never think about what you're doing. You're just so goddamn..."
Alec grabs my arms and pulls me in, smashing his lips against mine. Furious, I break free of his grasp and shove him away.
"No! God damn it, you can't just..."
Alec springs forward again, grabbing me and stopping my protest with another kiss. What the hell is his problem? Does he really think he can just kiss me and somehow everything will magically be okay?
"Alec, damn it! I said no!" I yell, shoving him away even harder.
"Well, how else am I going to get you to shut up?" Alec demands.
I open my mouth to yell at him before I realize that I have no idea what to say. My eyes waver to the side for a moment and I close my mouth and open it again as I try to figure out how to respond. Then, I notice that infuriating smirk on his face. I don't even think about it. I just hit him. It's obvious that getting punched in the face is not the response Alec was expecting. He rubs at his jaw.
"Ouch. That wasn't very nice." he comments, "Why do the girls in my life keep punching me in the face?"
"Maybe because you're a jackass." I offer, almost shaking with anger once again.
"Could be." Alec agrees.
"What the hell do you want, Alec? We're trying to cover some ground here."
Alec crosses his arms across his chest and looks me up and down, "See, that's the problem. I want you."
A line like that would probably normally make my knees feel weak, but right now all I feel is anger, frustration, and bitterness.
"And I want a bottle of tequila and a couple hundred bucks to spend on the road, but we don't always get what we want."
Alec sighs in frustration, "Damn it. Would you stop being mad for five seconds and just listen to me?"
"Well, you didn't have five seconds to spare for me before, so why should I waste my time on you now?" I demand.
Alec looks down, running a hand through his hair and looking contrite, "Okay, okay. You're right. I didn't give you a chance. I got mad at you and I shouldn't have. It's not your fault. You're right. You're absolutely right."
I gape at him, my anger wavering in my astonishment and confusion. For the life of me I can't understand what he's thinking, "So, if you understand why I have to leave and everything, what are you doing here?"
Alec gives me his sheepish smile, "Well, at first I wasn't too sure about that myself. Okay, that's not true. At first, I was getting the hell out of Dodge because I was still ticked off. Then, I started thinking. You know, about what you said and about what I said. And I started thinking that maybe, you know, just maybe you had a point. And then…well, you know how it goes with thinking. I ended up tailing you. And then, I kind of decided that we need to talk."
"So you decided to run us off the road?" I demand incredulously.
Alec shrugs and gives me another innocent little smile.
"You're an idiot." I mutter, shaking my head.
Instantly, I regret the gesture. My head explodes with pain and a wave of dizziness hits me. My vision blurs again and my sense of balance disappears. I stumble slightly and put out my hands to steady myself. I take deep breaths, trying to get my vision to clear. I feel Alec grab my arm. Slowly, the dizziness passes and I look up to see Alec looking at me with concern. His eyes narrow as he pushes my hair off my face. His fingers probe my forehead gently, but I gasp in pain all the same.
"You're hurt." he says, almost accusingly, like I've been hiding it from him or something.
"You're a genius." I deadpan.
Alec glances over at the car and I can see him concentrating his vision to get a closer look at the vehicle.
"You hit your head. You've got a concussion. Come on. You should sit down." he says, leading me back towards the car.
"So what's the excuse?"
I glance up and see Kira leaning against the car, her arms folded across her chest. Her eyes are glittering dangerously.
"What's the excuse?" she repeats, "Where do you get off running us off the road like that?"
"I wanted you to stop." Alec says simply, moving to the other side of the car and pushing me down in the passenger seat.
Kira whirls around. Judging from the look on her face, if the car wasn't in the way, Alec would be getting punched in the face again.
"You wanted us to stop." she repeats very slowly.
"Could you scold me later? She's kind of hurt." Alec says, kneeling in front of me and looking carefully at my latest injury.
"Because of you." Kira snaps.
"For the love of God." I mutter, "Could we all just fight later? Maybe after we find a place to pull over and buy some ice or something?"
"Sounds good. Sounds like a plan." Alec agrees immediately. He glances at Kira over my head, "Deal?"
"Deal." Kira replies stiffly, looking like she'd still rather break a few of his bones than agree with him about anything.
"Great." I say, shifting my legs into the car, "Let's go."
"Okay. I'll follow you." Alec nods, carefully closing the door.
"Damn right you will." I agree, shooting him a look. After all this he'd better not pull a vanishing act. If he wants to talk so bad, then he can damn well explain himself.
"I will." he nods again.
I watch as he walks back to his bike and puts his helmet on. Then, I feel the car start and Kira steer it back onto the road. Sleepiness starts to creep on my mind and my eyes feel so very heavy that it's hard to focus. I know I shouldn't fall asleep, but before I know it my eyes are closed and I'm unconscious.
The next thing to penetrate my mind is the sound of familiar voices. They sound so far away that it would be easy to ignore them and go back to sleep. Besides, I'm still so tired. Then, one of the voices says something that grabs my attention.
"It's no use. She's obviously having some erotic dream about me. There's no way she's going to let us wake her up from that."
The blackness dissipates beyond reach and I groan as I open my eyes.
"You wish." I mumble as I wake up to see Alec and Kira leaning over me.
Alec grins, "I thought that might work."
"You're lucky it did." Kira snaps, squeezing some water out of a washcloth and placing it in my hand, "You couldn't have just signaled, could you?"
"Well, I didn't think you'd stop. Besides, I figured you could control a car a little better." Alec replies, annoyed.
"I was shot in the shoulder, dumbass! I only have one arm to steer with." Kira yells at him.
"Oh. Yeah." Alec says, clearly having forgotten.
I place the cloth against my forehead, the cool fabric feeling good against my sore skull. Even if I didn't already have a concussion, these two would give me a headache. I decide to try and distract them.
"Where are we?" I ask, looking around.
I'm laying on a bed in what looks like the rattiest hotel room in the country. Alec stands on one side of the bed, Kira sits in a chair on the other.
"Comfort Inn." Alec reports, "It was the first place we came to."
His eyes flick around the surroundings and he sends me a look that says he too grasps the irony of the name. Nothing about this place seems very comfortable.
"So." Alec says, sitting down on the bed next to me, "How are you feeling?"
"I'll be fine." I assure him, "I think my body's just getting a little ticked off about all the beatings it's been taking."
"Understandable." Alec agrees, then turns serious, "Sorry about this one. You know, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never...I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"I'll remember that. But you wanted to talk, didn't you? So. Talk."
"Uh...I was kind of going for a private conversation." Alec says, glancing over at Kira.
"Subtle." Kira snorts, "Okay, I'm leaving. I'll find something for us to eat."
"Here." Alec says, throwing her a wad of cash.
Kira catches it and leaves.
"Alright. I'm listening." I prod as soon as the door closes behind her.
"Great. No pressure." Alec says sarcastically, "Well, I've been thinking. About you. About all that's happened and about what's going to happen now that this CAT thing is going on. I tried to think of a solution and like you said, there isn't one. You were right. But I also realized that I can't do this whole letting you go thing either. I...I need you around. And as much as Max might need me to be her SIC or whatever, I need to be with you more. So, either you and Kira come with me and we tail Max for when she needs us or I tag along with you guys wherever you're going. Those are your options."
I stare at Alec. I'm having a hard time processing what he's saying. He…needs me? He wants to be with me enough that he's willing to leave Max and Joshua and the life he's built outside of Manticore behind? He can't be serious. That's insane. Unless…
"What are you saying?" I ask.
Alec rolls his eyes.
"You're going to make me actually say it, aren't you? I should've figured. Alright, fine. I'm saying I...I...Jesus! This isn't easy for me, you know, because...well, you know why. I just...I'm not good at this whole expressing your feelings crap. I like you a lot, okay? I want you with me. And I won't accept no for an answer." he says, his jaw set stubbornly.
I blink slowly and continue staring, unable to find the words to respond. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I wonder for a moment if maybe this is actually a dream, if I'm still unconscious. It almost sounds like he's trying to say he loves me.
"For the love of God, say something." Alec snaps.
"Sorry." I blurt, looking down, "It's...I'm just...I mean...are you...no, nevermind."
"What?"
"Nothing." I shake my head slowly.
I'm not going to press him on this subject. Not when I know how difficult anything dealing with emotions is for him. Not that any of us are particularly good at it. It's just that I can't bear for this to end up being another misunderstanding between us.
Alec sighs, "Listen, Jess. I want to say something to you, but I just can't. Not yet. Give me time. Stick with me. And until I can say it, just know that I...well, I can't live without you, okay?"
The conviction in his eyes holds me captive. He really means what he's saying and is desperately trying to get me to understand. And I do. I finally understand. I understand all too well, but ironically, now I can't find the words to tell him. I feel like there aren't any words to express what I'm feeling. So, instead, I settle for leaning over and kissing him. The second my lips touch his, my mind seems to explode.
"You're not my type."
"Are you sure?"
Before I could answer he was kissing me. He was shockingly good at it, too. Not that I had much to compare it to, but judging by the way my whole body seemed to be short-circuiting despite my instructions to remain unaffected, I figured he knew what he was doing.
Everything that has happened between us seems to resurface with this kiss. Everything that he's put me through, everything that we've been through together, everything that has happened to irrevocably change my world.
"Alec." he corrected softly, once again.
"Alec." I repeated, but this time it felt like agreement.
Suddenly, I felt his lips brushing mine.
I can't keep up with what's going on in my head. It's too much, too intense. But I can't think of stopping this kiss either. I'd rather drown in these sensations as long as it means I'm still with him.
The word had barely passed my lips when 494 whipped around, almost faster than even my enhanced eyes could track, and smashed his mouth against mine. This time it was heated, passionate, closer to that first kiss he had given me. Only this time I responded, immediately lifting my hand to the back of his head and tangling my fingers in his hair as I kissed him back.
I'm probably making a mistake. That's what I'm good at, after all. And I'm being incredibly selfish. Max needs him. But it's so hard to think of anyone else's need for him when my own is just so overwhelming.
He turned to me and I saw his eyes fill with a new emotion. Hunger. He pulled me to him forcefully and smashed my mouth with another kiss. I welcomed the force, kissing him back with equal strength.
I'm starting to feel lightheaded. I'm not sure if it's from lack of oxygen due to our extended kissing or if it's simply because I'm so overwhelmed by emotion. Maybe it's both. But his arms around me are firm and strong, holding me against him as he explores my mouth and I do the same to his.
He kissed me again, but this time more deeply, and I sighed into the kiss. The twinge in my chest came again and I felt a swell of emotion. This all felt so right. Being here with Alec, kissing him,...loving him, it was all so right.
And I do love him. My dream was right about that. It's crazy and irrational and completely against everything I was taught to believe my whole life. Especially considering that I'm in love with a person that I used to hate. Although, hate is really just another strong, irrational emotion that I was trained not to have either.
I felt Alec's lips press softly against mine, almost like the ghost of a kiss.
"Thank you." he whispered.
I sighed again and slowly opened my eyes, but Alec was already gone.
I really do need to breathe soon, but I don't want to. Why would I? I never want to pull away from him again. I want him to keep kissing me forever. The rest of the world can go on without us.
"What?" Alec asked.
I swung my feet out of bed and stood up, taking the few steps it took to get to Alec's bed. Pulling the chair closer, I sat in it and leaned over him.
"Nothing." I shook my head, "Just kiss me, you jerk."
It can't be wrong. No matter what anyone says. When merely kissing him makes me feel like this, like the world is flying away but it will all be okay simply because he cares about me, it can't be wrong.
The devilish look faded into seriousness and he leaned forward to kiss me. For some reason, my legs felt weak as he deepened the kiss and I didn't think it had anything to do with my injury. Thankfully, his arm around my waist supported me.
Even when he makes me furious, I know in my soul, if a transgenic really has one, that I can't live without him. After all this time, he's finally really and truly captured me and this time I know there's no way I'll escape. Not that I ever want to.
Alec grabbed my arms and pulled me in, smashing his lips against mine. Furious, I broke free of his grasp and shoved him away.
"No! God damn it, you can't just..."
Alec sprung forward again, grabbing me and stopping my protest with another kiss.
Slowly, I pull away from him, gasping in some much needed air. I don't smile and neither does he. I simply continue to stare into his eyes, his eyes that are looking at me with such emotion that I feel like I could drown in them. Finally, they're too much for me and I have to look away.
"Oh, God, Alec." I say, hugging him, burying my face against his neck.
His arms immediately wrap tighter around me, pulling me closer. I feel like crying and I'm not even sure why. Nothing makes sense, but now I feel like that's okay.
"Jess." Alec replies, his warm breath against my hair, "You realize you can't ever leave me now, right? I really won't let you get away this time. Not again."
I pull back to look up at him, fixing him with my most serious expression, "You better not."
Now, Alec smiles.
"Especially not when we're alone together in a seedy motel room." he says, letting his eyes wander from my face.
I laugh and for a second it seems like the whole world is perfect. I feel so good. I can't even remember what being in pain feels like. But only for a second because Kira knocks on the door, inadvertently shattering the moment.
"Are you done talking yet?" she calls through the door.
"How long do you think we'd have if we told her no?" Alec asks, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at me.
"Not long enough." I reply, looking him up and down.
Alec's eyes widen slightly in surprise and I grin.
"Yeah, you can come in, Kira." I call back to her.
Alec sends me a very disappointed look and I roll my eyes.
"Hey, I'm hungry." I shrug.
Alec smiles and puts an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in to sit close by his side. I smile and lay my head on his shoulder, ignoring the look I know Kira will be sending me. I can't bring myself to move away from him yet. I just want to enjoy this for as long as I can before we have to face reality again.
"So, what'd you spend my cash on?" Alec asks curiously.
"All they had was nutritional stuff." Kira says dryly, throwing bags of Cheetos, pork rinds, and potato chips onto the bed.
"Dibs on the Cheetos." I say immediately, leaning forward to snatch the bag.
"Darn it." Alec grumbles.
He gestures to Kira to take what she wants and then picks up the remaining bag of pork rinds.
"Ah, pork rinds." he says, inspecting the bag, "We meet again."
"Kira," I say, ignoring Alec, "change of plans. We're tailing Max."
"What?" Kira says around a mouthful of potato chips, the bag falling from her hands to land back on the bed.
"That's attractive." Alec whispers.
I elbow him sharply in the side.
"Seattle's not safe. That's obvious. But Max is still going to need all the help she can get if any place is going to be safe for us, right? So, we tail her in case she needs our help, but stay far enough behind that we won't attract attention by being a large group of transgenics all in one spot." I explain, trying to be as cool and rational as I can about something that has nothing to do with being rational.
"But...okay, just stop. What the hell is going on? First, you show up." she points accusingly at Alec, who tries to look innocent, "Then, you two are all...and now we're tailing Max to help make the world a transgenic safe place instead of laying low like we all agreed is the smart thing to do?"
"Yeah, I'd say you're pretty much caught up." Alec nods.
"Shut up." I growl at him under my breath, but I don't really mean it and we both know it, "It was a good talk."
Kira gazes at me evenly, obviously not satisfied with my explanation and waiting for a better one. Unfortunately, this isn't something I can put into words for her right now.
"Look, I can't really explain. Just go with me on this, okay?" I ask her, hoping that once again she'll find a way to trust me even if she doesn't understand.
Kira is silent for a long moment while she thinks about it. Finally, she throws up her hands and looks at me again.
"What the hell? Although, for the record, still don't like you," she points at Alec, "still think you're crazy," she points at me, "and still want those potato chips." she says, snatching the bag that Alec is trying to discreetly pull towards him.
"So close." Alec says, snapping his fingers.
I smile. This isn't going to be easy, but at least I will be with the two people who mean the most to me in the world and I will have a purpose in life, a good purpose, one that I actually believe in. I'll get to be myself, Jess, and best of all, I'll get to find out what it's like to be loved for that. Even considering everything that has happened, I still feel like somehow my screwed up little life has worked itself out better than I could possibly have expected. Maybe Lydecker really was right. Anything is possible.