Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me. Ampaz is the property of my friend Spidey Viewer.
Giff stared up at the next attraction he and the rest of the Igarashi family (and Tamaki, and George, and George's gorilla mother) were in line for with fascination. It was a long tubular structure which curved back on itself, so that the entrance and exit weren't too far from each other, a large pond full of heart-shaped lily pads and heart-shaped islands with Sakura trees whose petals were somehow grown in heart shapes placed between the two ends. The trees were connected by red strings with paper talismans cut in heart shapes dangling from them.
The exterior of the structure was covered in hearts and pictures of numerous famous couples who had apparently ridden the ride at some point, including several heroes, all of them looking very happy and very much in love. The entrance to the ride was a large archway with statues of Aruto Hiden and his wife Izu standing on either side, hands clasped in the middle with loving expressions on their faces, a very large sculpture of the upper body of a HumaGear looming over them with a hand on either of their shoulders, a proud smile on his face, a very large heart on his chest with the words "Enmusubi Match's Best Match" written on it in glowing letters.
An artificial stream ran beneath the arch and into the structure, coming out on the other end and looping back around to the beginning. Couples boarded Swan-shaped boats decorated in red string and love charms that carried them into the building, and at some point came out the other end, looking very happy and in love. After disembarking, the empty boat was then carried down the stream back to the start by a cable resembling a red string to begin the process all over again.
"Exactly what sort of ride is this?" He asked his hosts.
"It's a tunnel of love," Sakura explained. "It's a relaxing, romantic sort of ride that gives couples an excuse to cuddle and be more affectionate with each other than is usually socially acceptable in public."
"I wanted to go on one of these with you for the longest time, Sakura!" Hana sang happy, hanging off her arm. "This is going to be so much fun!"
"According to the brochure, at the end of the ride, if a couple is truly meant to be, they receive a message from Enmusubi Match himself confirming this and blessing them with a long and happy life together," Astarte said, examining a pamphlet.
"And what if they don't get a message from Mr. Match, love?" Lovekov asked, clearly worried about what the matchmaker might say about the two of them.
"A partial ticket refund and a coupon for a session with him to help you find your true Best Match," Astarte read.
"This HumaGear truly has such power?" Giff asked in astonishment.
"No, they probably just say that for marketing purposes," George said dismissively.
"I dunno, I've heard that Enmusubi Match is extremely good at matching people with their perfect partners, and ever since Zea became an officially recognized deity, his success rate has gotten even greater," Ikki spoke up. "To the point that there has become an increasingly high demand for his product model, and anything that has his brand of approval on it is almost certain to result in a happy and long-lasting marriage. I think the Church of the Divine Zero considers him a love God now?"
"Bet you always wanted to bring Ayaka on this," Vice teased, though there was more than an undercurrent of sadness in his voice.
"Maybe someday, but I never worked up the courage to even ask her out," Ikki said quietly. "I mean… What if Match said we weren't a Best Match? What then?"
"Honey, most people never find their Best Match, and are still able to live long and fulfilling lives with other people," Yukimi assured him. "… Granted, your father and I were labeled Best Match the first time we rode on here, but that doesn't change anything. I think."
"I have so many fond memories of riding the Best Match with you," Genta said fondly. "Some of them probably weren't even fabricated!"
"This one certainly won't be," Yukimi promised, leaning against her husband lovingly.
"I wanna ride with you, Astarte!" Lovekov cried.
"And ride we shall, my little Lamia," Astarte promised fondly. "And I assure you, whether or not we are declared a Best Match, my feelings for you will never change."
"LOVE!" Lovekov squealed, hugging her happily.
Gift contemplated this. A Best Match. A perfect partner for himself? He'd never believed such a thing was possible, but… Perhaps…
Oh, wait, there was one problem.
"What, ah, what happens if a single person takes a ride?" Giff asked uncertainly.
The Igarashis exchanged glances. "Well, there's nothing stopping them from doing so, it's just… You know, generally expected that only couples ride," Genta admitted.
"Yeah, if you ride solo, you'll just look like a sad and pathetic loser," Vice said.
"Vice!" Ikki hissed.
"What? It's true!" Vice insisted.
For a moment, Giff wondered if maybe he should sit this ride out. It wasn't as if he had anyone to ride with, after all-
Wait. Unless…
"George, would you like to be my potential Best Match?" Giff asked the scientist abruptly.
Everyone stared at him in disbelief. "What," George stated.
"Neither of us are romantically involved with anyone else, and you have demonstrated clear interest in me, given how much you've been staring at me when you think I'm not looking and asking me for pieces of my body," Giff said, causing everyone to stare at an increasingly embarrassed George. "You are not aesthetically unpleasing as far as humans go, and your hair ties and glasses help distinguish you from other members of your species. Also, you said we were best friends now, and I've heard that many lovers start out as best friends!"
"I. Um. I did say that, yes," George said slowly. He considered for a moment. "Well. I suppose, if we did start a relationship, that would be one way for me to get new cell cultures-"
"Ook!"
George's gorilla mother glared at Giff and pulled her adopted son away from him, shaking her head fiercely.
George winced. "Oh. Sorry, Giffrey, looks like Georgina doesn't approve of this."
"You named her after yourself?" Sakura asked, disturbed.
"No, I named her after my mother, whom I'm named after," George said defensively. "There's nothing weird about it!"
"Riiiiiiiiiight," Vice said sarcastically.
"Mrs. Karizaki-" Giff started.
"That's Ms. Karizaki, Daddy hasn't put a ring on her yet," George interrupted.
Ikki blinked. "Is that. Is that a thing that might actually happen?"
George shrugged. "I dunno."
"Ms. Karizaki," Giff tried again. "I beg you to reconsider. As a mother, surely you want your offspring to find an ideal match to reproduce with to ensure your genetic legacy lives on! As a descendant of Giff, I assure you, my genes are second to none! Our offspring would dominate this world!"
"She's… She's not George's actual mother, she just adopted him like a couple of hours ago," Hana pointed out.
"Humans and gorillas aren't that genetically dissimilar," Giff said dismissively.
"Your… Your offspring… How would that work? You both are guys," Tamaki pointed out.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Giff asked in confusion.
Everyone stared him. "Giffrey, do… Do you not know how human reproduction works?" Astarte asked finally.
"Of course I do! Two humans have sexual intercourse, and nine months later a new human is born through a horribly messy and unnecessarily painful process," Giff said. "I really don't know why it's like that, you'd think whoever created your species could have done a better job."
"You are not the only one who thinks so," Yukimi grumbled.
"Blame the Overlord of Darkness, I guess," Genta said.
"Oh, I definitely do."
"Yes, Giffrey. That is how a baby is made… When a male and a female human do it," Astarte emphasized slowly. "It doesn't work if a male and a male human or female and a female human do it."
"Really?" Giff asked in astonishment. "But that's so inefficient!"
"Wait, then Mommy and Mama can't ever give me a little sister one day?" Lovekov asked in dismay.
"No, I can allow that to happen," Astarte promised her.
Sakura and Hana stared at her in astonishment. "Wait, what?!"
"Ook!" Georgina grunted decisively.
"Yeah, sorry, that's not good enough for her. Sorry Giffrey," George said, looking genuinely disappointed. "If it helps, I was kind of looking forward to it too." He sighed, then shrugged. "Oh well. Guess I'll have to go back to pining after Hiromi, then. I'd love to take that man out to a parufait sometime."
"Don't you mean parfait?" Ikki asked.
"Jamayto, Jamahto," George said.
"But… Ms. Karizaki, please! If your son does not ride with me, who else will he ride with? Tamaki?" Giff pleaded.
"Would that be such a bad thing?" Tamaki wondered.
George stared at him for a moment, then shuddered and shook his head. "Yeah, no, I'm just gonna sit this one out."
"So are the two of us," Ikki said, nodding at Vice.
"Yeah, wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea about us," Vice agreed. "And besides, we are already a Best Match! Platonically. Just like Sento Kiryu and Ryuga Banjo!"
"There are millions of people who think otherwise," George pointed out.
"Banjo has a girlfriend!" Vice countered.
"Yeah, a lot of people like to pretend she doesn't exist."
"Oh. Then… Georgina, would you-" Giff began.
"OOK!"
"That's a pretty obvious no," George told the upset Giff apologetically. "Sorry, man. I wouldn't mind having you as a stepdaddy."
"… Really?" A disturbed Hana asked.
"Sure, just so long as I could use him as a steady source of Giff cells!" George said cheerfully.
Desperate, Giff turned towards his last hope. "Then… Tamaki, will you be my potential Best Match?"
Tamaki stared at him, eyes wide in horror. He looked to the others for help, but they just gestured for him to go along with it. "I. Uh. Well. Er. The, um, the thing, I mean, I guess, maybe-"
Suddenly, someone pushed through the line, ignoring everyone's cries of indignation, and pointed at Tamaki. "You! Are you single?"
Tamaki stared at the woman, startled and more than a little intimidated. She was a humanoid yellow-orange scaled snake woman dressed in an orange shirt with a built in trench coat/dress combo with yellow trimming and amber stripes. She wore orange leggings with yellow trimming and amber stripes, darker orange boots with brighter yellow highlights. Orange fingerless elbow length gloves with yellow trimming, highlights, and patterns covered her arms. "Uhhhhhhh."
"The Lamias are not extinct?" Astarte asked hopefully.
"Actually, she's a Pythonian, a pleasure oriented serpentine race of aliens who recently set up a colony on Earth," George corrected her, eyeing the snake woman with interest. "I've heard that their goddess and Zea have started courting. That should have an interesting theological and sociological impact…"
"I'll take that as a yes," the woman said, immediately taking Tamaki's hand and wrapping her tail around his leg. "My name is Ampaz. And you?"
"G-Go Tamaki. But, miss, I-"
He went silent when she gave him a pleading look. Her eyes were very red and tear stains covered her scaly cheeks. "I just had a very bad, very public breakup with my fiancé, and I… I just… I can't be alone right now, and I want to remind myself that true love really does exist, even if vicariously."
"I…" Tamaki swallowed, face very red. "Th-then I would be honored to be your temporary companion, Miss Ampaz."
She sighed gratefully and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Thank you, Tamaki."
Everyone stared in disbelief. "… Did Tamaki of all people just score with a hot chick on the rebound?!" Vice asked incredulously.
"Go, Tamaki! She's really pretty, love!" Lovekov cheered.
"Y-yes, she is," Astarte agreed, looking flustered. Hana and Sakura stared at her, raising eyebrows. "I-I like snakes, all right! I have a type!"
Lovekov giggled and hugged her, causing her to turn redder.
Hana considered this, then smiled, nodded, and cuddled up against Sakura, causing her to blush. "Yeah, likewise."
"But… But then who will I ride with?" Giff asked in disappointment.
"You don't have to ride, Giffrey," Ikki pointed out gently. "You could wait with us."
"But then I will be missing out on a crucial experience which will give me further insight into human courtship and relations!" Giff protested. "I will never find my Best Match!"
"Which, again, isn't that big a deal," Yukimi pointed out.
"Says the woman who got a Best Match the first time she rode with her future husband," George pointed out. "Assuming that actually happened?"
Yukimi frowned, uncertain. "Well… I'm pretty sure it did… And I know we've gotten labeled Best Match every other time we've been here, and that did happen! I… think."
Vice shrugged. "Well, unless you can whip up a boyfriend or girlfriend out of the blue, tough luck, cousin."
Giff froze.
Everyone glared Vice, and he realized he'd screwed up. "WAIT NO I WASN'T SERIOUS-"
"I MUST LEAVE THIS INSTANT," Giff declared loudly. "FOR A COMPLETELY INNOCENT AND NOT-SUSPICIOUS REASON. I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY."
"We'll hold your place for you!" Yukimi yelled after him as Giff pushed his way through the line and ran off in a seemingly random direction.
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" He called back.
"So, is this going to be a disaster?" Genta wondered.
Ikki groaned. "Probably."
Ampaz blinked. "Was that Giff? Like, the demon lord that man on the news keeps saying will destroy the world if we don't all get stamped and move to that new gated community named after that mountain Noah's Ark crashed on, which has worrying biblical implications for the rest of the world?"
"Yes, but you have to pretend you don't know it's him or or he might freak out and destroy the park," Tamaki told her.
She stared. "What have I gotten myself into…"
"OLTECA!" Giff yelled once back in his dimension. "Olteca, where are – no, wait, that's no good, they all hate Olteca and will probably recognize him anyway." He considered for a moment. "Well, unless I put him in a cunning disguise… No, no, too risky. Which means I can't use the other Deadmans executives for similar reasons. Perhaps one of my other sacrifices…?"
He tapped his chin in thought, then shook his head. "No, there's a chance the more recent ones will either be recognized or won't cooperate, and the older ones would be just as out of touch with the current era as I am. I guess I could use a Gifftarian, but… Would that technically count as incest? That's frowned upon now, right?"
He scowled, pacing before his idol. (Now that people kept bringing it up, he couldn't stop wondering if it really did look like a vagina, dammit.) "Giff-kun is definitely out of the question, that lovable scamp is too hard to control and might eat someone… I don't really know any of the Fenix personnel or the residents of ARARAT very well, and if I wanted to go on the ride with a total stranger I could've just grabbed anyone back at the park, which defeats the purpose of it being a way for couples to bond and see if they are Best Matches… Dammit, who does that leave? Daiji? No, that's also incest, and while I'm sure the rest of the family would be happy to see him, he might blow my cover. Plus it would be super awkward… Akaishi? No, even more awkward, they hate him too, he never lets me have any fun, and he's so clingy… I also really don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. More than I do already, that is. Dammit, is my social circle so limited there isn't anyone I can take on a simple romantic amusement park ride/family outing to potentially find my soulmate without causing trouble?"
His shoulders fell when there was no reply other than his own echo. Of course there wasn't. Wasn't that why he was doing this in the first place?
Wait. What about…
Was he even alive?
One way to find out!
He opened a portal and gazed out onto a forest, where a disheveled, unkempt man was standing over a dead body, panting and clutching his side.
Giff grinned in excitement. He was alive! "Azuma!"
The man looked up and reeled back, tripping over the body and sprawling out on the ground. "What the-"
"Azuma! Do not be afraid, it is I, Lord Giff!" Giff exclaimed, stepping out of the portal and removing his glasses. "I am wearing a cunning disguise, see? I am pretending to be human! I know, I know, it's hard to believe, but it's really me under all this!"
The man, Azuma, stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded. Clearly he was in awe at how amazing GIff's disguise was, to be rendered speechless. "Lord Giff… After all these centuries… It's really you?"
"Yes, it is I!" Giff assured him. "I've actually been back for several weeks now. I was somewhat surprised when I didn't see you at my resurrection. Where have you been? Akaishi always changed the subject when I asked."
"Akaishi… He and I have not spoken to each other for… Quite some time," Azuma murmured, staring at Giff in wonder and disbelief, as if he was half expecting him to disappear at any minute. "It's… It's really you? After all these millennia, you're finally back?" Much to Giff's discomfort, he started tearing up. "Oh, my Lord… You have no idea how long I've waited for this day. I was beginning to think you would never come back…"
"Yes. Well. I'm here, as promised," Giff said, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Had something happened between Azuma and Akaishi? Why hadn't he been present at his revival?
It was then he noticed a large, ugly wound in his disciple's side. "You've been stabbed! Why has your injury not regenerated?"
Azuma glanced down at his wound and grimaced. "My apologies, my Lord, but after all these years, it would seem my immortality is starting to wear off."
"What! Well, that just won't do," Giff said in indignation, pointing a hand at Azuma and showering him with red particles, causing his stab wound to begin to close up. "There, that should at least do you for another hundred thousand years," he said as Azuma looked at his regenerating flesh in awe.
Looking on the brink of tears again, Azuma knelt before him and bowed his head to the ground. "My Lord, I thank you for this gift. Why have you sought me out? Is it time at last to pass judgment on humanity?" He hesitated, then asked, "Have… Have you decided that we are beyond salvation?"
Giff hesitated. "I have… Not yet decided," he said vaguely. "My judgment can wait for another time, though. There is another matter I require your assistance with. Something of absolute importance."
Azuma looked up, concern in his eyes. "What is it, my lord?"
"I need a date."
Azuma stared at him blankly. "… I'm sorry, what?!"
The HumaGear attendant frowned skeptically at Astarte and Lovekov. "And… The two of you are a couple?"
"We are."
"Yes, love!"
"And… you are how old?" The attendant asked.
"I have lived for so long I've lost count," Astarte admitted.
Lovekov scratched her head. "Um… I'm not actually sure… I'm either a few months old, as old as my mommy, or somewhere in between."
"And who is your mommy?" The attendant asked.
"Her." Lovekov pointed at Sakura, who was clearly still in her high school years.
The attendant's frown deepened.
Astarte sighed. "Look, if it helps, we're both demons, so age works differently for us… And besides, given my age, technically I'd still be cradle robbing even if she was the standard human age of maturity."
The HumaGear gave them a dubious look. "I must consult with Mr. Match."
He closed his eyes, his ear modules lighting up and buzzing.
"Okay, he says the two of you are clearly very much in love and can go ahead," he said after a moment.
"Yay!" Lovekov cheered, hugging him, much to his surprise.
Yukimi frowned in concern as Astarte and Lovekov got into the boat, where they put on seatbelts made of red string. "Where is Giffrey? If he doesn't get back soon, we'll have to get on without him and he'll have to go to the back of the line and wait another half hour for his turn to come again!"
"Longer than that, honey, more people have gotten in line, and the wait time has increased significantly," Genta corrected her.
"Do you think he'll lose it and start blowing stuff up if he has to wait?" Ikki asked in concern. "He seemed really invested in riding and finding out who his Best Match might be."
Sakura grimaced. "If we're responsible for destroying another attraction, we could be in real trouble."
"Hey, what happened at the stage show wasn't our fault," Vice insisted. "We had nothing to do with those pyrotechnics malfunctioning and setting everything on fire!"
"At least we got to see how the show ended," Tamaki said optimistically.
"Seriously, where is he, I'm beginning to get worried-" Yukimi began to say.
"Make way! Coming through! My family is holding my place in line, this is totally fine!"
Giff suddenly shoved his way to the front of the line, ignoring the cries of dismay and outrage, dragging a very confused looking disheveled man with him. "Family! I have returned! And I have someone to ride the Best Match with me, to see if we are a Best Match!"
For some reason, everyone stared at him in horror, except for George, who was struggling not to laugh.. "Giffrey, did you kidnap a homeless person just so you wouldn't have to sit out the ride?!" Ikki demanded.
"What? No!" Giff replied in indignation. "Well. Yes. Technically. Except that I didn't kidnap him, he came willingly!"
"And I'm not homeless, I'm a hermit, I have a perfectly good cave," the very bewildered man said defensively.
"I'm pretty sure that's just a step up from being homeless, man," Vice argued. "Or possibly a step down."
The man grimaced, unable to counter that.
"And… Who exactly is this hermit, Giffrey?" Yukimi asked delicately.
"His name is-" Giff started.
"Azuma?!" Astarte stammered in surprise.
Azuma gasped. "Lady Astarte?!"
Giff cursed. Dammit! How could he have forgotten that the two of them had met before?! This could ruin everything!
"You know him, love?" Lovekov asked in surprise.
Astarte nodded. "Yes, Azuma, much like Akaishi, is an immortal disciple of Giff who was tasked with guiding humanity in his master's absence. But while Akaishi did his best to lay down the groundwork for Giff's return, Azuma was charged with eliminating those who would lead your species to ruin."
Hana stared at her. "Another… Did they just not tell me anything back in the Deadmans?!"
"If it helps, I had no idea either," Tamaki spoke up.
"It doesn't, actually."
"Seriously? You've kind of been slacking off on the job, haven't you? Do you have any idea how many people have tried to end the world over the last 50 years?!" Vice yelled at Azuma.
"I'm retired," Azuma said wearily. "I haven't assassinated anyone since World War II, where I lost all faith in humanity and came to believe that no matter how many people I killed, nothing would make a difference, and our species would only destroy ourselves."
Giff started, looking at Azuma in surprise. He hadn't known any of this, and… Wait. There had been a world war? Two world wars?!
How much had Akaishi not told him?
"I'm not here to pick a fight," Azuma assured them, raising his hands. "Lord… I mean, your cousin, Giffrey, invited me here so we could go on this ride together."
Giff sighed in relief. Good, he was playing along! "Yes! That is exactly the case! I know Azuma from way back, and he happened to be in the neighborhood, so I called and asked if he would like to meet my family and come on the ride with me!"
Azuma bowed humbly. "It is an honor to meet the chosen family of the mighty Lord Giff."
"Thank you…?" Sakura asked uncomfortably.
"Wait, I thought you said you were retired," Hana pointed out.
"That does not mean I do not still believe in Lord Giff," Azuma replied, narrowing his eyes at her. "Something you could learn a thing or two about, apostate."
Hana bristled with rage.
"Do not deride her, Azuma," Giff spoke up, much to Azuma's surprise. "While it is tragic she lost faith in me – I mean, Giff, she has still found love with one of his descendants, one with great potential."
"That is true," Azuma acknowledged. "My apologies, Lady Hana. While I am disappointed that you no longer believe in our Lord, you have made a wise choice seeking a partner in his granddaughter."
"… Thanks. I think so too," Hana admitted, smiling at a blushing Sakura.
"So, are we just going to ignore the fact that he just admitted he's been murdering people for thousands of years?" Ampaz started.
"Probably," Tamaki said with a shrug. "I mean, to be fair, Lady Hana and I have killed a lot of people too. You'd be surprised how little people seem to care about that for some reason."
She gave him a disturbed look.
The attendant cleared his throat. "While this is all very nice, are you going to get on or not? You're holding up the line, and there are a great many customers who want to take a ride and see if they are Best Matches."
"Oh, right, sorry," Ikki said apologetically.
"Why did we even come up all this way we weren't even going to get on in the first place?" Vice complained as he and Ikki stepped aside, the boat with Lovekov and Astarte moved into the tunnel, and the rest of their family started boarding swans in pairs.
"To show family solidarity," Ikki replied.
"And in my case, so as not to miss out on any of the hilarity," George said in amusement.
"Ook."
Giff and Azuma were the last to board a boat, and, after the attendant made sure they were safely buckled up, the duo were sent on their way, passing beneath the archway and into the tunnel. It was much darker inside than it had been outside, and the air was cool, but not unpleasantly so, and smelled like roses. Purple and pink lights shaped like hearts illuminated the passage, and on ledges lining either side of the tunnel were dozens of yellow and black or white and teal mechanical grasshoppers rubbing their legs together and generating a surprisingly soothing melody with vaguely romantic undertones.
"So, this is what passes for a tunnel of love these days," Azuma mused.
"Have you rode on one before?" Giff inquired.
"Not really, but I've heard about them," Azuma admitted. He paused, then glanced at his master. "I'm sure you have questions."
Giff nodded. "What do you mean you 'retired?' Why didn't Akaishi tell me about this? And… What's this about a second world war?! Why was there even a first one?!"
Azuma sighed wearily. "Akaishi and I had a falling out decades ago, and the war was the reason. Well, one of the reasons." He folded his hands, glancing down at them. "For thousands of years, I have attempted to fulfill my contract to you, trying to guide humanity on the right path by performing targeted assassinations to remove individuals Akaishi calculated would have a negative impact on humanity. Often it worked. Other times it… Didn't."
He grimaced. "When the twentieth century dawned on us, we foresaw that humanity was poised to enter a new era of unheard of prosperity… And atrocity. While humanity had managed to advance a great deal in the arts and sciences, on a societal level they were often lacking. Racism, sexism, classism, discrimination of all stripes was still a problem. Tensions were growing between nations. Humanity was on the brink of tearing itself apart, more so than they even realized, and the time was still not right for your revival. Akaishi and I believed that if something was not done soon, humanity would destroy itself.
"So, we hit upon an idea. We would take advantage of all this tension, this strife, this hatred, and give it a spark to ignite it into an open flame."
"Why would you do such a thing?" Giff asked, appalled. "That was the exact opposite of your mission!"
"Akaishi believed that if left to fester, all these underlying problems would boil over and destroy humanity," Azuma explained. "However, he thought that if we were to set off prematurely, while there would indeed be a disaster, it would not be nearly as bad as it would be if left unchecked and passed down the line. He dispatched me to assassinate a single man. An Archduke. This set into motion a chain of events which triggered a war, one like anything the world had ever seen before. The first World War."
"It enveloped the entire planet?" Giff asked in horror.
"Well, no, it was actually largely centered around a single continent, but lots of other countries got involved," Azuma admitted. "It was a war unlike any other. Some believed it to be the war to end all wars… Which was, of course, our intention. We believe that if humans were made to realize just how devastating warfare could be thanks to advances in modern technology and weaponry, how pointless and brutal and self-destructive it was, it would frighten them so much they would never go to war again. That peace would reign, and humans would finally be able to evolve past the point where we know longer needed to guide them, where you would be accepted and even welcomed by them as a friend and leader."
He closed his eyes in recollection. "Over 20 million people died in that war, Lord Giff. Akaishi and I were both astonished. We'd known it would be bad, but not that bad. Still, we were confident that, after such devastating casualties, humanity would finally be ready to grow up and leave their worst impulses behind."
He slumped back in his seat. "And then they had a second World War, one even worse than the first. Nearly every nation on Earth was involved this time. Akaishi and I hadn't seen it coming, though even if we did, I'm not sure there's anything we could have done about it. There were so many factors in play… I'm not sure that even if I had killed the major architects of the conflict it would've made a difference in the long run. 85 million people died in this war, my Lord."
Giff just sat there, stunned. "I… I don't think that many people even existed the last time I walked this world!"
"I couldn't help but blame myself, to some extent," Azuma confessed. "Oh, I blame Akaishi too, for misjudging things so badly, but I was the one who lit the match that set the world ablaze. The last straw for me was when the Americans, who even now are so arrogant as to call themselves the 'good guys' despite forcing innocent people into camps just like the Germans, dropped one of the most powerful and horrific weapons ever devised on Japan, destroying an entire city. And then they did it a second time. Needless to say, the war ended very shortly after that."
He sighed and dipped his hand in the water, letting his fingers trail in the current. "After that, I basically gave up on humanity. I believed we were beyond saving. Akaishi and I had a huge argument about it, I left to become a hermit, and we haven't spoken since."
Giff clenched his hands into fists. "Akaishi told me none of this."
Azuma laughed harshly. "I've discovered, my Lord, that Akaishi has a habit of only telling people what he thinks they need to know."
Giff narrowed his eyes. "I've begun to realize that myself." After a moment, he asked, "Azuma. Do you still believe there is no hope for humanity?"
Azuma sighed. "That's a complicated question, my Lord. While humanity has advanced in many ways since that great war, in other ways they've stayed the same. In still more ways, they've regressed. In many places in the world, living conditions have risen to the point where comforts and luxuries unheard of even a century ago are commonplace, and people can live to up to century if not longer if they're lucky. In other parts of the world, people are starving, dying of easily cured diseases, and can't even get clean water. World War II wasn't the last war humanity has inflicted on itself, and then there was the whole debacle with the Cold War and the War on Terror which is a whole other can of worms and don't even get me started on the environment…" He shook his head. "I'd like to believe humanity can be saved, but I don't think they can do it themselves. Only a truly superior being, one not afflicted with the shortcomings of humanity, can uplift us. Someone like you."
"I… Am beginning to wonder if I am truly the right person for that," Giff admitted. "I am beginning to realize that I understand humanity a lot less than I thought I did. I am… Fond of your people, as much as an entity such as myself is capable. I wish to live alongside them. I do not wish to destroy them unless it is necessary, but I'm starting to wonder if I really understand what constitutes 'necessary.'"
Azuma regarded Giff with surprise. "I was not aware you were capable of doubt, my Lord."
"It is something I've learned from humans, like many other things," Giff confessed. "When my kind first came here, we saw humans as creatures to feed off of before moving onto the next world, as we had so many times before. But after spending time observing you, we came to realize there was more to you than met the eye. From watching you, we began to awaken emotions in ourselves we had not thought ourselves capable of. Diablo learned anger. Astarte, love. And I…" He faltered for a moment, then continued. "Loneliness, among many other things. And, since I was unable to relate to my kin, I attempted to seek companionship with humans. Unfortunately, it rarely worked out."
Azuma nodded. "And is that why you're here today, with your family? To see if you can forge a bond with them that you could not with other humans in the past? So that you need not be lonely anymore?"
"It is," Giff confirmed.
"Then, what you have with Akaishi-"
"It's not the same," Giff interjected.
Azuma nodded in understanding. "Akaishi and I… We knew each other for a very, very long time. There were times where it felt as if we were the only people in the world who understood each other. At other times, it felt like we might as well have been from other planets. Relationships with other people… Are complicated."
"So I am starting to understand," Giff lamented.
"Lord Giff, why did you invite me to come on this ride with you?" Azuma asked.
Giff shrugged helplessly. "I did not know who else to ask. Well. Who wouldn't possibly cause problems or ruin the fun times I've been sharing with my family today. Does this offend you?"
Azuma shook his head. "Honestly, I'm glad that you thought of me at all. It felt as if the rest of the world had forgotten me. Granted, on some level, I wanted that to be the case, but…" He shrugged.
Giff was about to say something, only to be surprised when suddenly the tunnel widened and they found themselves in a much larger chamber. The ceiling was decorated in twinkling lights like the night sky and constellations depicting famous romances throughout the ages, with a replica of satellite Zea serving as a centerpiece, shining a peaceful blue light on everything. There were hundreds if not thousands of mechanical grasshoppers lining the chamber in tiered terraces, filling the room with their song. A number of small islets rose from the water, covered in roses and cherry blossom trees with red strings connecting the trees, romantic charms dangling from them. Several very cute, fluffy animatronic Rider and Lost Models were cuddling adorably on these islands, and Swan boats were gently circling the lake, couples cuddling and kissing and relaxing against each other before leaving through another tunnel on the far end of the chamber.
"This is certainly romantic," Azuma murmured.
"Is it?" Giff asked, having next to no experience in such things.
"By the standards of this age, I believe so."
"Oh." After a moment, Giff asked, "Should we kiss? Nearly everyone else is kissing."
"Do you want to kiss?" Azuma asked.
"I think we are supposed to?" Giff said hesitantly.
"Just because everyone else is doing something doesn't mean we have to as well."
"Yes, but how else are we to know if there is any chance for romance between us?" Giff pressed.
"Do you actually want a romance with me?" Azuma asked. "Or do you just want a romance with someone, anyone?"
"I would at least like to try," Giff insisted, not quite answering the question.
Azuma shrugged. "Very well."
The two of them kissed.
After a few seconds, they parted. "Well?" Giff asked anxiously.
"How did it feel for you?" Azuma asked.
"… About the same as when I kiss Akaishi," Giff admitted.
"And what do you feel when you kiss him?" Azuma asked.
Giff's shoulders sagged. "Nothing."
Azuma nodded silently.
"But… But I should feel something, shouldn't I? I mean, he's made no secret of his feelings towards me, and we have a physical relationship, so-"
"My Lord, just because someone loves you, it doesn't mean you're obligated to feel the same way," Azuma told him. "In any case, I'm not sure if Akaishi really loves you, or the idea of you. The two are very different things."
"Am I truly so unlovable?" Giff wondered, not sure how he felt about that. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"My Lord, there are people in this world who are incapable of loving another person in that way… And there's nothing wrong with it," Azuma said gently. "There's nothing wrong with them. Which means there's nothing wrong with you. Which is not to say you are unable to love the way you wish to, but… If you can't, it is not the worst thing imaginable."
"There are humans who cannot love other humans?" Giff asked in surprise. "And this is… Normal?"
"For them it is."
Giff considered this for a moment. "… I do not know yet whether that is the case for me, but to know that if it is, I am not simply… deficient on account of not being human, it's… Good to hear." He gave Azuma a grateful look. "Thank you, Azuma. You, the Igarashis… Because of you all, today I have learned more than I have in all the weeks since my resurrection. I do not know yet what I will do with this knowledge, or how this will change things going forward, but… I have certainly been given a lot to think about."
Azuma bowed his head. "I am happy to have been of service, my Lord."
"Azuma, when this day is over, do you wish to come back with me to ARARAT?" Giff asked. "My faith and confidence in Akaishi has been dwindling as of late, and I feel like I could use another voice I can trust. Of course, you don't need to return to my service, you can return to your hermitage if you wish," he said quickly, not wanting to pressure him.
"May I… Think about it for a little while?" Azuma said hesitantly. "I'm not exactly looking forward to seeing Akaishi again either, but… You have changed, my Lord, and not necessarily for the worse. I'm curious to see how you might change further. If I do choose to return to my solitude, you may feel free to visit whenever you wish if you want to talk." He paused, then cracked a grin. "You are not the only one who can get lonely."
Giff sighed in relief. "Thank you, Azuma. It is good to know that I have a… A friend I can count on."
Azuma gave him a startled look, and then a warm smile creased his face. "I am honored to be considered your friend as well, my Lord."
"And since we are friends now, there are two things I would like to know. First… Do you… Resent me for destroying your civilization?" Giff asked anxiously.
Azuma contemplated this for several minutes. "I've had a lot of time to think on it, and… No. I don't think I do," he admitted. "While Akaishi might deny it, we were… We were on our way out anyway. A few more years, a generation at most, and we would've fallen apart on our own. And after what we did… Well. We may have had it coming. We had problems a long, long time before you showed up."
Giff nodded in relief. "Thank you for your honesty. And as for the second question… Does my idol/sarcophagus really look like a vagina?"
Azuma froze, looking rather discomfited. "Well… I didn't want to say anything, but…"
"Dammit."
"So? How did it go?" Ikki asked Giff and Azuma once they had disembarked from their boat after leaving the tunnel.
"It was… Quite enlightening," Giff told him. "How did it go for everyone else?"
"All of us are Best Matches!" Genta proclaimed happily as an ecstatic and relieved Yukimi clung to him.
"Like there was ever a doubt," Hana said confidently, clinging to a blushing Sakura.
"Best Match! Best Match! Love!" Lovekov cheered, hugging Astarte.
"It kind of came as a surprise to me, I mean we literally just met," Tamaki admitted as a very affectionate and clearly besotted Ampaz wrapped herself around him. "But we got to talking a lot on the ride, and we really have a lot in common. We even play the same card game!"
"Way to go, Tamaki!" Vice congratulated him, giving him two thumbs up. "I never doubted you for a second!"
"Yes you did-" Ikki reminded him.
"I DID NOT SHUT UP."
"How about you, Giffrey? Are you and Azuma boyfriends now?" Sakura asked eagerly, her inner yaoi fan girl excited at the possibility.
Giff and Azuma glanced at each other, then laughed and shook their heads. "No, that matchmaker HumaGear told us we weren't a Best Match," Giff told her.
Lovekov gasped. "Oh no!"
"That's terrible!" Cried George, who had been hoping to spy on any potential dates in a totally not creepy way.
Giff shook his head. "No, it's fine, we decided we'd better as friends anyway."
"And we got coupons for a session with this Match person to see if he can help us find our perfect partners," Azuma added, producing a paper voucher with a picture of a grinning Match on it. "I have to say, I'm actually looking forward to the prospect. I've been out of the game for a rather long time."
"Well, if and when you find a partner, feel free to come by, we'd love to meet them!" Genta informed him.
Azuma blinked, surprised. "I… Truly? That would be… Thank you. Thank you very much."
"The same goes for you of course, Cousin Giffrey," Yukimi added. "After all, since you're family, that means whoever you wind up with is family too, and always welcome!"
"You… Have no idea how much that means to me," Giff whispered, stunned. "Thank you. All of you."
"And now that the tunnel of love is out of the way, it's on to the next attraction," Genta announced, pulling out his map of the park. "Hey, Azuma, you want to come?"
"That… would be permissible?" Azuma asked, startled.
"Wait, dad, I'm not sure that's a good idea-" Ikki started.
"You're right, son, it's a GREAT idea!" Genta exclaimed, causing him to groan. "And afterwards, we can bring him back to the bathhouse to give him a complementary bath on the house!"
"Because let's be honest, he could probably use one," Vice spoke up.
Azuma glanced down at himself. "You are not wrong."
"This turned out great!" Tamaki gushed. "We made a new friend, I got a girlfriend, everyone else got their relationships reaffirmed, and best of all, nothing blew up!"
As if on cue, one of the Swan boats exploded, though thankfully nobody was inside. Some of the debris landed on one of the trees in the pond the river looped around, causing it to burst into flames, and within moments, a massive conflagration had risen, and parts of the building were starting to burn as well.
"Oh come on!"
"While this was absolutely not my fault," George said loudly. "Because I certainly wasn't trying to spy on Giffrey and Azuma on their not-date, I suggest we get out of here. Immediately. Before anyone can blame us."
"Ook!" Georgina agreed, picking George up and running away.
"Has it been like this all day?" Azuma wondered as they all started running from the burning attraction as quickly as they could.
"More or less," Giff told him.
"I swear, it's usually not this crazy," Tamaki assured Ampaz.
"Yes it is," Hana reminded him.
"Yes it is," he admitted.
The Pythonian shook her head in amazement. "What have I gotten myself into…"