Cousin Giffrey's Day Out

by Ri2

The Igarashi family is about to have a day out when they suddenly get a visit from their long-lost cousin Giffrey! No, he's not Giff in disguise. That's preposterous. He's a completely normal human person, why would you think otherwise?

7. Cousin Giffrey Has Lunch

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me. Ouroboros and Izu's new look are courtesy of my friend Spidey Viewer.

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Giff stared in horror as the Igarashis (and company) consumed the…

The…

Well, he'd been told it was food, but he had difficulty believing this mess of grease and oil and cheese and fried everything could possibly be edible.

And yet his human family (and hangers on) seemed to be devouring it with gusto.

Perplexed, he glanced to Astarte, Azuma, and Georgina for support, and was relieved that they also seemed rather disgusted by the display in front of him.

(Then again, it might've been because of Vice's table manners. They were atrocious.)

"Why… why are you eating that?" He asked finally.

"Because we're hungry!" Vice shouted with his mouth full, showering the table with food and earning himself a smack from Ikki. "Ow!"

"Does this food have any nutritional value whatsoever?" Giff pressed, bewildered.

"Nope!" Hana said happily, taking another huge bite out of her… Whatever it was.

"We're probably cutting our lifespan by years with every bite, given how much cholesterol is in this," George said happily as he continued to chow down on his meal.

"Then… Why are you eating it?" Giff asked, baffled.

"Because we're hungry!" Ikki said with a laugh.

"And it tastes good, love!" Lovekov said, offering some to Astarte. "Want some?"

"No thank you," the archdemon said politely, face pale.

Ampaz moaned as she took another bite. "My species travels the universe, seeking for new ways to pleasure ourselves. We made the right choice setting up a colony here on Earth. Your food is so good! Especially the junk food!"

"Junk… Food? I do not comprehend," Giff said.

"In this era, food is so plentiful that most humans don't need to eat it merely to survive," Azuma explained. "As such, very tasty but extremely unhealthy foods have become more available to the public, instead of being reserved for festivals, major events, or the nobility."

"That's right!" Genta said proudly.

"This has also led to widespread obesity and health issues from overeating in some countries, while there are many parts of the world where the poor and unfortunate continue to starve to death on a regular basis, just as in the old days."

"That's right," Genta admitted reluctantly.

"Tamaki, are you eating enough?" Ampaz asked, fussing over her new boyfriend. "You're so skinny! What have they been feeding you?"

"You'd better not be disparaging my cooking," Yukimi growled.

"Th-they're feeding me just fine, dear," Tamaki insisted, though he opened his mouth for another helping, because he was a total simp.

"Don't bother protesting, just let it happen, boyo," Vice advised. "The lady's into you for some reason, so you'd better not do anything to make her come to her senses and realize she could do way better."

Ikki smacked him. "Ow!"

"Yes, Tamaki, you mustn't do anything to jeopardize your pairing with her, she may be your best prospect for siring offspring who will form a perfect subordinate line to serve the Igarashi family in future generations," Giff said.

Everyone stared at him. "What?"

"Huh, now there's an interesting sociological experiment…" George murmured, intrigued. Georgina gave him a disappointed look. "What? It could be!"

Tamaki turned red and started spluttering. "I-buh-guh-nuh-kids?! But that's … I… It's way too soon for that!"

"I dunno, Tamaki, I seem to remember you promising me your firstborn," Hana recalled.

"Oh right, I did do that, didn't I?" Tamaki remembered.

Sakura gawked at her girlfriend. "Why would you do that to him?!"

"What? He offered! Back when we were in Deadmans! And he signed a contract in blood and everything, so it's legally binding," Hana said defensively.

"No it's not," Sakura protested.

"Actually, it is," Giff informed her, with Astarte nodding in agreement.

Sakura's eye twitched.

Ampaz made a face at this. "Really? Oh, very well, I suppose I'll be laying plenty of eggs anyway, so long as I can keep a few to myself."

"E-eggs?!" Tamaki squealed.

"Can I eat one?" Vice asked. "And on a follow-up note, is your species one of the ones that eats their mates after reproducing with them? Because if so, could you save a piece of Tamaki that I can eat later?"

"Vice!" Ikki cried.

"What? It's an honest question!"

"I absolutely will NOT be eating Tamaki!" Ampaz huffed, hugging the short-circuiting Tamaki and causing him to start stammering even more. "Unless he's into it. Do you want me to eat you, Tamaki?"

Tamaki actually had to think about this for a minute. "No thanks, I'm not into vore."

Ampaz shrugged. "Well, that settles that, then."

Vice huffed in disappointment.

Azuma stared. "… This is not at all what I was expecting from descendants of Giff and their associates."

"What were you expecting?" Giff asked, curious.

"Not this."

Astarte chuckled and patted Lovekov on the head, causing her to squeal. "They are delightfully chaotic. I love every minute with them."

"They're certainly fascinating from a psychological standpoint," George agreed.

Ikki, about to take another bite from the artery-hardening meal on his plate, paused, suddenly thinking of something. "… Hey, Giffrey? You said Giff feeds off of the demons of humanity, right?"

Giff nodded. "On their inner malevolent energies, yes. Why do you ask?"

Ikki put down his food, much to the relief of certain parts of his body. "So, if that's the case, why is he threatening to destroy humanity for being so evil? Isn't that counterproductive?"

"Hey, yeah, that makes no sense!" Vice realized. "In fact, why is he trying so hard to conquer humanity to stop them from being so evil like Akaishi keeps saying? Wouldn't that give him less to eat?"

"Huh. You know, I never thought about that, back when I was in Deadmans," Hana admitted, tapping her chin and thought. "I just thought Giff was going to destroy the world to make way for a better one or something."

"Does he really need to bother?" Sakura wondered, giving Giff a side eye. "After all, there's plenty of evil in the world already. Why not just feed off of that and leave everyone alone?"

Giff sighed and shook his head. "If only it were so simple."

"Really? It seems pretty simple for me," Tamaki said.

Azuma clicked his tongue. "Young man, humans need water to survive, yes? What do you think happens when we have too much of it?"

Tamaki furrowed his brow in thought. "We… Need to go to the bathroom a lot?"

"You mean like how Ikki always gets up at like 3 o'clock to-" Vice started, only for Ikki to smack him. "Ow! You know, this could be construed as abuse!"

"We drown," Azuma said grimly.

As George eagerly started taking notes, Ikki frowned. "Wait. You're saying too much evil energy would actually be bad for Giff?"

Azuma nodded. "Just as we can die from overeating, in theory so could he. After all, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Or in this instance, a bad thing."

"Not that there's any manageable way to weaponize that weakness, in case anyone was wondering," Giff said quickly.

"The evil within humanity has increased to the point where it threatens to not only destroy our species, but is too much for Giff to safely feed off of," Azuma continued. "By conquering the human race and forcing them to regress, Giff will be able to reliably harvest their demons for sustenance as well as prevent our own extinction."

"Then why is he threatening to wipe us out if we don't give in?" Sakura demanded.

"Because if you do not submit, there is a very real chance that the human race will be extinct anyway by the end of the century," Giff said gravely.

The humans (and demons, and gorilla, and Pythonian) all gave him startled looks. "Wait, what? What do you mean?" Genta demanded.

"For the last 50 years, our world has been under constant threat of destruction from forces both within and without," Azuma pointed out. "And even discounting that, the threat of war grows bigger and more devastating by the day due to rampant military buildup and weapons production and growing international tensions. And then of course, there is the threat of irreversible climate change, which many world leaders still deny is a threat."

"If humanity were to go to war with itself again, there is a very real chance they would not only wipe themselves off the face of the map, but leave the planet in ruins," Giff continued. "By annihilating humans before they get to that point, Giff would prevent the Earth from being rendered completely uninhabitable."

"But then he would have nothing to eat!" Ikki argued, horrified.

"Not for long. As a superior being, Giff possesses the ability to create life, something you have no doubt experienced firsthand from all the Gifftarians and Giff juniors you have battled," Giff pointed out. "It would be a simple matter to regrow humanity from the genetic samples of ideal specimens and sacrifices and start over. As descendants of Giff, you would of course be spared and have a hand in shaping the new world."

From the shocked looks on their faces, they were less than enthused by this prospect for some reason.

"Goddamn!" George swore. "Um, incidentally, would there be a place for me in the New World?"

Giff considered this. "Well, I suppose your scientific knowledge could prove useful. Tamaki and his mate would be safe as well. After all, they would be needed to produce the ideal slave race to serve future generations of the Igarashi family."

"Oh, okay," Tamaki said in relief.

A worried Ampaz raised her hand. "I'm not human, and a lot of other people on this planet aren't, either. Would Giff be wiping them out too, or…?"

Giff actually hadn't thought about that. Humanity was sharing the world with an awful lot of different species these days, weren't they? Far more than they had in the old days. "Since humans are currently the dominant species and the ones posing the greatest threat to the planet – frequent invasions aside – you and all the other friendly species living here would probably be okay," he said finally, much to her relief.

"We don't want to shape a new world! We want to keep the old world, even if it is flawed!" Sakura insisted angrily.

"Well, it could stand to be a bit better," Hana admitted.

"Okay, yeah, but that doesn't mean we have destroy it!"

"Giff does not desire to destroy the world either," Giff insisted. "He is fond of your species, and not simply as a source of food. However, if the only means of saving humanity is to destroy most of it to create a better future… He may regret it, but he may feel he has no choice."

"There's always a better choice!" Genta protested.

"Like what?" Azuma asked.

Genta blinked. "What?"

"The majority of the problems currently threatening humanity stem from massive flaws in the socioeconomical structure and political climate dominating the world," Azuma pointed out. "How would you suggest resolving them?"

Genta grimaced. "That's, uh, wow, kind of putting me on the spot here…"

"These are problems with no easy answer. They are not the sort of thing you can fix with a Rider Kick," Azuma said.

"So what, tearing everything apart and starting from scratch is better?" Ikki argued.

"Eat the rich!" George gleefully yelled.

"Yes, they would probably be a prime source of evil for Giff to consume," Giff agreed.

George blinked. "Not what I meant, but you know what, I'll roll with it."

"Some systems are so broken they cannot be fixed-" Azuma started.

"So destroying everything is the solution?" Ikki interjected. "That's not a way to make things better, it's giving up. You just said these are problems with no easy answer. Well, to me, it sounds like burning everything to the ground and starting over is just trying to take the easy way out."

Azuma frowned at him. "Master Ikki, you are young and naïve… But not necessarily wrong," he conceded, much to everyone's surprise. "I once believed that the ends justified the means no matter what. However, no matter how much blood stains my hands, the better future I thought I was fighting for never truly materialized. Sometimes my efforts made things better. Sometimes they made them worse. Sometimes nothing changed at all. I've lived a long time, and I can't say with any certainty that my efforts helped to make the world a better place overall."

"There are no easy solutions," Astarte agreed. "And even should Giff succeed in dominating the world, there's no guarantee that it will really be for anyone's benefit in the long run. Not even his own.

"And even if his vision for the world does unfold as he hopes… Will it really be worth the price?"

Strange. Why was Astarte staring right at him? She couldn't possibly know, could she?

"Cousin Giffrey," Lovekov spoke up nervously. "Do you… Do you really believe that humanity is so far gone the only way to save them is through conquest or… Or even genocide?"

Everyone was staring at Giff expectantly, even Georgina. They were all waiting for an answer.

So was he.

Did he believe that?

Yesterday he would've said yes. Even this morning he probably would have.

But now?

He glanced around the open-air cafeteria they were seated at. Everyone around them was smiling and laughing and having fun.

How? How could they do so?

Did they not understand just how much suffering was in the world? How many people were hurting and dying while they were here partaking in these frivolous activities?

Did they not realize just how precarious their lives were? That they were so fragile that a tiny shift in climate, or a single loss against a more powerful species, and their civilization would come to an end?

Were they truly so unaware of the potential for evil, the bottomless darkness lurking within each of them, that needed only the slightest provocation to erupt to the surface?

Were they truly so clueless, so delusional?

Or…

Was he the one who was missing something?

"… Gift feeds off of the evil in humanity," he said finally. "He's seen so much of it that… Perhaps it's hard for him to remember that's not all there is to them, just as Astarte is so used to feeding on the love in humanity to remember that's not all there is to them, either."

"I'd like to think I have a more nuanced understanding of them than that, but you're not entirely incorrect," Astarte admitted. "I do tend to lean towards the optimistic where it comes to humans."

"Just like me, love!" Lovekov said happily.

"Not too long ago, cousin Lovekov, my answer to you would have been yes, that I did believe humanity was all but done for," Giff confessed. "But now… Well… Now I'm not so certain."

He hesitated, and then slowly said, "It is possible that Giff has been going about this the wrong way all along."

Azuma raised an eyebrow, surprised… Then nodded once in approval.

For some reason, the rest of the family looked relieved and impressed by this admission.

"It takes a big man to admit they have made a mistake," Genta said solemnly. "Or, uh, that their hero might have."

"What's that say about Daiji, then?" Vice needled him.

Ikki smacked him. "Ow!"

"I didn't say that Giff was wrong, just that he might be wrong," Giff said quickly. "I'm not fully convinced that his aims are bad, just that the situation is more complex than I – then he may have thought. There may be more to humanity than he understands."

"Well… I hope that Giff knows if he ever wants to understand humanity better, we would be happy to help," Yukimi said gently. "After all. He's family too, right?"

Giff smiled. "… Yes. Yes, he is."

"… What just happened?" The confused Ampaz whispered to Tamaki.

"Oh, I never really understand anything that's going on, I usually just smile and nod whenever someone asks me a question," he admitted to her.

Hana scowled and muttered to Sakura, "So he's finally starting to admit he might be wrong. Big whoop. What, we're just supposed to forgive him for everything?"

"We forgave you," Sakura murmured back.

"That's totally different!" Hana protested.

"How?"

"I'm much prettier than he is," Hana preened proudly.

"Fair enough," her girlfriend admitted.

It was strange, Giff contemplated as the family resumed their absurdly high-calorie lunch. When he'd planned to spend the day with them, he had intended to insinuate himself into his family, win them over, then reveal his identity at the end of the day and they would hopefully be so amazed and surprised they'd of course forgive him for lying to them, stop opposing him, and move to ARARAT so they could be near each other. This disguise, this Cousin Giffrey, was simply a means to an end.

But now he was reconsidering. It was clear he had a lot more to learn from the Igarashi family and from humanity than he thought. Maybe… Maybe a single day wasn't enough for him to better understand his family and this era.

Maybe he wasn't ready to stop being Cousin Giffrey just yet.

He frowned, noticing that several of the people at the tables around them were gasping and shooting to their feet, while others – especially the HumaGears – were bowing. "What is happening?"

"I don't… Oh. Oh! This is a surprise," Genta said in astonishment, looking at where everyone else was.

"What is?"

Giff turned to look and…

Oh.

No wonder everyone was so excited. After all, he imagined it wasn't every day that people coming to the park got to see its owner and his wife in person.

Aruto Hiden looked pretty much exactly like his statue had. Giff thought that a billionaire and president would dress in something more formal than a hoodie, but then again, he supposed that when you were that wealthy and powerful, you could dress any way you wanted.

His wife, however… Well, she certainly looked like her statue, and like the many Izu impersonators they had seen throughout the day, but there was quite a lot more to her.

She was wearing a white shimmering, translucent spandex coat with sparkling teal butterfly-esque highlights with butterfly wing patterns on them and sparkly translucent coattails, the coat being worn over a black shimmering skintight shirt with green, blue, and magenta stripes curved in such a way to make vaguely outlined butterflies, her bow shimmering black with teal trimming and green, blue, and magenta highlights. She had a black shimmering skirt with green, blue, and magenta butterfly stripes.

Her legs were covered by skintight semi-translucent leggings with a sparkling texture, translucent blue, pink, and green stripes leading into black shoes with teal and blue butterflies at the tips. There was a teal and blue butterfly clasp on the skirt and bow.

Her hair and highlights were like gazing into a universe with stars shaped like butterflies, the highlights themselves like cosmic nebulas. Her eyes were textured and colors like nebulas, but teal.

"I thought Aruto Hiden's wife was an android," Giff said slowly.

"She is," Sakura said, clearly dazzled.

"That is no android. That is a goddess," Giff said bluntly.

"Or at least, the avatar of one… Oh my. She's much lovelier than I imagined," Astarte murmured, face flushed. "And her power is certainly the real deal. Their God may be man-made, but that's legitimate divinity surrounding her."

"And her husband," Giff agreed. "Though I'd say he's more of a divinely empowered champion than an actual deity or avatar. Practically demigod level, but not quite there yet."

"Like Akaishi or myself, but without nearly as much experience," Azuma commented. "Although… I think he's already stronger than we ever were."

Hana moaned. "Why couldn't I have grown up in a cult devoted to her."

"The Church of the Divine Zero didn't exist when you were a child," Sakura pointed out.

"THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!"

"So pretty, love," Lovekov squeaked.

"They make a handsome couple, don't they, Genta?" Yukimi said admiringly. "Just like us when we were younger!"

"I don't know, I don't think you could've pulled off that look," Genta replied, causing her to smack him.

"Goddamn! I never thought I'd get to meet Aruto and Izu Hiden in the flesh!" George exclaimed, looking frantic. "Shit, I've got to get their autographs! Quick, how's my hair? Is my lab coat clean? Mom, how do I look?!"

Georgina gave him a thumb's up.

"Wait, weren't you just talking about how we should eat the rich, and didn't you spend the whole day talking shit about Hiden Intelligence and capitalism?" Ikki pointed out.

"Shut up, we've already established I have a very inconsistent character due to my daddy injecting me with his inner demon when I was a wee lad and messing me up," George yelled.

"You know, you can't blame your daddy issues for everything," Vice pointed out.

"WATCH ME!"

"Hey, is it just me, or are they coming this way?" Tamaki observed in concern.

"What? That's ridiculous, why would a glamorous and powerful superhero couple like them want anything to do with us?" Yukimi asked in alarm.

For some reason, everyone stared at Giff. "What? Is there something on my face?"

"Maybe they want to talk about the fact that George basically abducted a gorilla from their petting zoo?" Tamaki suggested.

"Excuse you, Georgina left of her own accord, and she is my emotional support animal and surrogate mother figure and I'm not giving her up without a fight," George said coldly.

"Maybe it's because practically every attraction we visited since we got here burst into flames?" Ikki pointed out uneasily.

"The stage show wasn't our fault!" Vice protested.

"And the tunnel of love totally wasn't mine," George said quickly. "Honest."

"I don't believe you," Ampaz said flatly.

"Hopefully we can convince them of that, because here they are," Sakura said nervously as the couple reached their table.

"Hey, you guys are the Igarashi family, right?" Aruto asked, flashing them a winning smile to try and put them at ease. It did not entirely work.

"Who's asking?!" Vice demanded, much to everyone's horror, including his own. "Oh shit that slipped out I'm so sorry."

"Aruto and Izu Hiden," Izu replied immediately.

"Honey, I think that was a rhetorical question," Aruto murmured to her.

"Ah."

"Mr. and Mrs. Hiden, it is such an honor to meet you, the two of you are my favorite Reiwa Riders, would you please give me your autographs?" George gushed, extending his autograph book on his knees.

"Favorite – hey, what about us?!" Vice protested.

"You rank above basically everyone in the Sword of Logos, that's as good as you're going to get," George snapped as Aruto and Izu considerately signed his book.

Vice contemplated this. "Yeah, okay, I guess I can accept that."

"And to be fair, it's not like the Reiwa era has been very long," Ikki pointed out. "Which means there's still time for George to change his mind."

"Not likely!"

"Mr. and Mrs. Hiden, we are indeed the Igarashi family," Yukimi said politely. "While it's a pleasure to meet you, is there any reason in particular you wanted to see us?"

"Are we in trouble, love?" Lovekov asked anxiously.

"All the accidents that have happened today are accidents and nothing else," Genta said loudly.

"That is part of what we want to talk to you about, actually," Aruto confirmed, causing everyone to pale.

"A few hours ago, Zea detected a massive surge in malice centered around Hiden Land, coinciding with your arrival at the park," Izu began, eyes, ear modules, and hair glowing. "Following that initial spike, a series of disasters occurred at several of the park's most popular attractions, roughly around the same time your family visited them. There is clearly a correlation."

"Is there, now?" Ikki said, laughing uneasily. "I mean, it sounds like it could totally be some huge coincidence."

"Yeah, it's not like any of us intentionally caused those accidents! Or are some incredibly powerful and dangerous demon lord in disguise!" Vice added nervously.

"And even if, hypothetically speaking, one of us were an incredibly powerful and dangerous demon lord in disguise, he could not possibly be the source of this malice, because Giff eats evil, he doesn't generate it!" Giff yelled, sweating frantically.

Aruto frowned. "Nobody mentioned Giff."

Shit.

"After reviewing all the available data, there is only one logical conclusion…" Izu began.

Giff clenched his fists under the table, violent red energy cracking around them. Dammit. He had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but it seemed as if he was left with no choice-

"But it appears that the Ark has infiltrated our systems and is trying to study you."

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?" Giff said out loud.

"Immediately preceding each of the accidents so far today, Zea detected a burst of malice and malignant code," Izu continued. "While the Ark is good at covering its tracks, by now we are familiar enough with its digital footprint to know when it manifests in our systems. The electronics at the petting zoo, the goldfish catching game, the bumper cars, the stage show fireworks, and one of the Swan boats at the Best Match all have telltale signs of tampering."

"Then… Then we didn't cause those accidents?" Sakura asked in relief.

"No. Admittedly, we have yet to find any trace of the Ark's code in the strength testing game or the bottle knocking down booth, but given that the operator of said booth is a known Ark worshiper it's fully possible he tampered with them somehow," Izu speculated. "He may even have been the one to create a back door to allow the Ark into our systems."

"So he was not only a cheat, but a saboteur!" Astarte gasped.

"Yes. All his fault. The game falling over and the hole in the booth had absolutely nothing to do with us," Giff said quickly.

"We tried to catch him, but he seems to have vanished, and some new guy has taken his place," Aruto continued. "I don't remember hiring him, but he seems like a nice guy, so I think we'll keep him around."

Giff made a mental note to properly reward the Hell Gifftarian later. "Well, I wish you luck in finding the traitor," he said loudly. "I'm sure he's alive and well, and hasn't been torn to pieces by bloodthirsty demons."

Everyone stared at him for some reason when he said that.

"Seriously, why did you guys hire him in the first place?" Sakura demanded. "If you knew he was working for the Ark…"

"I argued against it," Aruto admitted. "But HR said I couldn't discriminate based on religious grounds."

"… He worships a literal God of evil who tried to destroy the world multiple times," Hana said in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's what I said too," Aruto grumbled.

"Well, that's political correctness for you," George sneered.

"But why would the Ark be after our family?" Yukimi asked in confusion.

"The Ark is the embodiment of malice, a literal God of evil. As such, it has taken an interest in the Igarashi family, who have managed to manifest and coexist with their inner demons," Izu explained. "We believe that it hopes to learn how to do so itself, allowing it to create a new body for itself sustained by the demons within humanity. Such a form would be very difficult to defeat. It may even find a way to make all of humanity's demons extensions of itself, to further guarantee its immortality."

Giff stiffened, clenching his fists in rage, and he had to exert iron control on himself not to lose his temper and literally explode in fury then and there.

When he first learned of the Ark, he had vowed to eliminate it as a potential threat to humanity and his future reign, and also because it might prove to be a promising alternate food source.

When a servant of the Ark made Lovekov cry and humiliated him, it became personal.

But now that he knew it was targeting the Igarashi family? His family?!

This meant war.

"Goddam!" George gasped as Giff seethed and everyone else reeled in horror. "That sounds like a nightmare! As well as an excuse for a crossover. Are we going to have a crossover? Please, please tell me we are going to have a crossover!"

Everyone gave him exasperated looks.

"Are we in danger, love?!" Lovekov demanded.

Aruto shook his head. "No, we got here as fast as we could. Izu is channeling the power of Zea now to shore up network security and patch the holes in our firewalls to purge the Ark's lingering influence from our systems."

"Oh, is that why you're all…" Tamaki said vaguely, gesturing to Izu's current appearance.

"Yes. Incidentally… Ampaz?" The HumaGear spoke to the Pythonian.

Ampaz swallowed. "Y-yes, Lady Izu?"

"I have a message for you from Zea, passed on from Ouroboros, in regards to your courtship with Go Tamaki," Izu said. She smiled, winked, and gave her a thumbs up.

Ampaz's eyes widened. Then she squealed and started shaking the dazed Tamaki in excitement. "She approves! Lady Ouroboros approves!"

"I'm sorry, who is Ouroboros?" Azuma asked in confusion.

"The goddess of the Pythonians. She's currently courting Zea," Aruto explained.

Astarte coughed, little red. "Um. Is Ouroboros a snake as well?"

"She is," Izu confirmed. "And quite a lovely one at that."

"… Oh my," Astarte murmured.

"… You know, it's a good thing I have a massive heart and I'm not sure I'm capable of feeling jealous, love," Lovekov commented dryly.

"Anyway, we just wanted to stop by and tell you what's been going on, and to assure you that the Ark ideally won't be causing you all anymore trouble today," Aruto informed the family. "Just to be safe, we'd like to install some software on your phones which should ensure a measure of protection from the Ark's influence. Think of it as a charm of protection against evil in digital format."

"My, the wonders of this modern age never cease," Astarte marveled.

"Indeed," an impressed Azuma murmured.

Izu extended her hands. "Merely present your phones, and Zea will bless them."

"Now, hold on," Vice interjected before Ikki could take out his Gundephone50. "I possess the phone sometimes, what's this going to do to me?"

"Nothing," Izu assured him.

Vice blinked. "Wait, really? But I'm, you know, a demon, and you're using some kind of holy techno magic…"

"You aren't that kind of demon," Astarte assured him. "If you were, you probably couldn't even be in Izu's presence without being repelled by her holy aura."

"Oh, okay."

"Are you sure this is safe?" Yukimi asked uncertainly as everyone took out their cell phones.

"I don't see why not, how could one of the heads of a major tech corporation installing proprietary software on our personal devices possibly backfire?" Genta asked unironically.

Izu closed her eyes and hummed, her modules buzzing and her hair shimmering. Beams of light shot down from the sky and touched each of the cell phones, causing their owners to gasp in astonishment as they started glowing, the screens lighting up as an icon of Zea appeared over a progress bar, which quickly filled up. With a melodic chime and a whisper of, "Wake up to a dream," the phones shimmered and reformatted themselves, becoming sleek, smooth, and white with teal highlights.

"It is done," Izu declared unnecessarily as everyone examined their upgraded phones in wonder. Ampaz clutched hers to her chest, looking as if she were having a religious experience.

"Um, neither Azuma or myself have cell phones," Giff said awkwardly, noticing that the two of them had been left out.

"Oh, no problem, here," Aruto said, handing each of them a Hiden Risephone. "All yours."

"Oh! Thank you very much," Giff exclaimed in delight. Akaishi wouldn't let him have a phone. Said he didn't need it. Well, this would show him!

"I don't exactly get reception in my Hermitage," Azuma muttered doubtfully.

"You mean your filthy cave out in the middle of nowhere?" Vice teased.

Azuma made a face. "… Basically, yes."

"Oh, that's not a problem, all of your phones get service anywhere in the world now, have unlimited minutes no matter what your plan is, free access to our streaming service, and they can banish evil spirits," Aruto informed him.

Azuma's eyes lit up in wonder. "Incredible."

"Sakura? I feel conflicted," Hana confessed.

"Why?" Sakura asked.

"Well, I'm starting to feel a strong urge to join the Church of the Divine Zero… But the only goddess I want to worship is you!" Hana whined, causing Sakura to turn very red.

"This… Mr. Hiden, I'm sorry, but this is all rather a lot-" Yukimi started.

"Hey, it's fine, what's the point of being a successful president if I can't use my money to help people?" Aruto asked, waving her off. "Speaking of, to make up for the trouble, we're refunding your tickets, issuing VIP passes for the rest of the day, and you can take anything you want from the gift shop, free of charge."

Vice's eyes lit up greedily. "Anything?"

"Well, you can't take everything in the store," Aruto amended quickly, immediately seeing how this could be abused. "But, you know, within reason."

Vice pouted at this.

"Mr. Hiden… Thank you so much," Genta gushed. "This is beyond generous."

"Hey, you and your family are valued customers, and we like our customers to know that they really are valued," Aruto assured him. "It's important to me that anyone who comes to Hiden Land leaves happy and satisfied. This park really means a lot to me, after all."

"It does?" Ikki asked.

Aruto nodded. "Yeah. When I was a kid, my dad took me here all the time. I have a lot of great memories of this place. And when I grew up, this is where I got my first real job as a comedian!… Which I then lost to Gut-Buster Taro. But!"

He pointed to a statue not so far away of himself as Kamen Rider Zero-One delivering a Rising Impact to the Berotha Magia. More than a few HumaGears were paying their respects to the statue and leaving offerings. "You see that statue over there? That's where I transformed for the first time. That's where my life really began."

Grinning, he turned back to the Igarashi family. "This park is where I began my series… Of adventures. Where I agreed to become president of Hiden Intelligence. And, most importantly…" He smiled shyly at Izu. "Where I met the love of my life."

"Awwww," everyone gushed as Izu smiled demurely.

"And because this park means so much to me, I want it to be a place where everyone can smile, no matter how difficult things get in the outside world," Aruto continued. "Life can be hard at times, which is why it's important for people to have something that can make them happy and remind them things aren't always hopeless."

"… Yes. It is," Giff murmured slowly.

"Anyway, Izu and I haven't finished our rounds just yet, so we should get going," Aruto concluded, clapping his hands together. "So I hope you'll excuse us, and have a wonderful rest of the day at Hiden Land!"

"We will-" Genta promised.

"Wait, that's it? You're leaving?" Hana protested.

Aruto frowned. "Well, we do have important business to deal with-"

"There's nothing else here that you think has to be dealt with? Nothing at all?" She asked, gesturing towards Giff with her head.

How strange. Giff wondered why she was doing that. Was she experiencing some sort of muscle spasm?

Aruto snapped his fingers. "Oh! That's right, I almost forgot." He turned to George. "Mr. Karizaki, I'm afraid you're going to have to return that gorilla to the petting zoo before you leave the park."

"But she's my new surrogate mother/emotional support animal!" George protested.

"And she is also property of Hiden Land, so if you try to take her off the premises, you could be facing serious criminal charges," Izu informed him.

"Ook," Georgina grunted in apology.

George glared at the duo hatefully. "You two are no longer my favorite Reiwa Riders," he snarled.

"Does that mean Ikki and I are?" Vice asked hopefully.

"No."

"Dammit!"

"That's it? The gorilla? There's nothing else you think needs dealing with? Nothing at all?!" Hana demanded.

"Hana, let it go," Sakura said wearily.

"But-"

"They're much more experienced heroes, and if they really don't think it needs dealing with, maybe they're right," she snapped. Hana grimaced but went quiet.

"We do applaud your efforts in trying to reform a dangerous and unstable individual with a checkered past and a less than complete understanding of humanity," Izu stated. "We wish you luck in your endeavors. There is… Someone we care about very much whom we are also trying to save."

Giff frowned, perplexed. Who could they possibly be talking about? Hana and Tamaki had already been fully reformed and accepted into the family, so the Igarashis weren't trying to redeem anyone else at that moment-

Oh! Of course!

"Don't worry," he said confidently. "I am certain that they will be able to help Azuma recover from his past trauma and find a new purpose in this new age."

Odd. Why was everyone staring at him?

"Mommy, do you think…" Lovekov trailed off, nodding at Izu.

Sakura gave her a confused look, then her eyes widened in understanding. "Um, Mrs. Hiden, before you go, I… I have a question."

Izu gave her a quizzical look. "Yes?"

"You started out as a regular HumaGear, and now you're the avatar of a goddess. How did… How did you handle the transition?" Sakura asked hesitantly. "Do you regret it? Do you ever wish you could… Go back to the way you were?"

Izu stared at her blankly. "I do not understand the question."

Sakura blinked. "Huh?"

"I have never been a regular HumaGear. I was specifically designed to have a unique connection to Zea due to my importance to the Zero-One project. I have always been her voice, even before she officially became a goddess," Izu explained. "All that really happened was a change in my power levels and my processing and operating capabilities. Archbishop Kureshima would probably have a better insight into the hypothetical dilemma you are proposing then I would."

"… Oh," Sakura murmured, disappointed.

"… I will say this, though. It helps to have a link to keep you grounded. A reminder of your origins. I already have my link," Izu said, smiling fondly at Aruto. "And I believe you have yours as well."

Sakura glanced at Hana, who smiled at her. "… Yeah. I do." She bit her lip, then looked back at the couple. "Um, incidentally, I don't suppose you know how I could talk to Archbishop Kureshima about that?"

Aruto nodded. "Sure, we can get you in touch with him. I'm sure it will be a fruitful discussion!"

Aruto and Izu struck a comical pose. "And that's how you know it's an Aruto!"

Everyone stared.

"What is happening right now," a very disturbed Giff asked.

"I think… I think it was supposed to be a joke?" Azuma murmured, uncertain.

Izu nodded. "Yes. Fruit motifs are heavily intertwined with Gaimist doctrine, so my husband was making a pun in regards to-"

"Izu, don't explain the joke!" Aruto whined.

"So this is what it's like to hear one of Aruto's famous jokes in person," George murmured in awe. He frowned. "I'm disappointed."

Aruto glared at him. "I can revoke the benefits I've just promised you all, you know."

"Shutting up."

Izu frowned and turned to Aruto. "Husband. I'm detecting a possible surge of malice in the shooting gallery."

Aruto frowned seriously. "We better check that out, then. Enjoy the rest of your day!" He called to the Igarashis as the two of them hurried off.

Ikki frowned at his sister. "Sakura, was that about?"

"Nothing," she said a little shrilly. "Nothing at all."

Fascinating. Both of the major Riders of the Igarashis family were hiding something important from each other. Something Giff knew about, but they did not. Should he say something? Would it not be best if these secrets were brought to light?

Vice and Hana both glared at him, then looked at each other in confusion, each wondering why the other had done that.

Then again, it wasn't as if he didn't have secrets of his own he was hesitant to reveal for fear of how that would change everything. Perhaps he should just let them figure this out for themselves. Surely they would admit the truth eventually… Right?

"Well, that was nice," Yukimi said, seemingly oblivious to the difficult problems pertaining to her children right under her nose. "What a lovely couple!"

Genta nodded in agreement. "We should send them an invitation to come to the bathhouse! On the house, of course."

Ikki nodded. "Yeah! Wait, how would that work? Mrs. Hiden is an android. Can she even get wet?"

"No, HumaGears are waterproof," George told him, ignoring everyone as he poked and prodded his upgraded phone. "Goddamn, this is a work of art."

"I don't suppose someone could teach me how to use this?" Azuma asked awkwardly. "It would not be an understatement to say I am rather out of touch."

"Oh, sure," Tamaki said, leaning over. "Okay, so the first thing you gotta know is…"

While Tamaki started going into rather detailed explanation of how a cell phone worked, with everyone else chipping in with helpful or not so helpful comments, Giff, while doing his best to pay attention, couldn't help reflecting on the encounter they had just had. Akaishi had led him to believe that a lot of the problems in the world at present were caused by people in power abusing that power for petty, short-term benefits. Azuma, George, and even the Igarashis had admitted that wasn't entirely wrong.

But just now a titan of industry had taken time out of his surely busy schedule to make sure a single family was all right, showered them with gifts and apologies to make up for what had honestly been more of a minor and amusing inconvenience than anything serious – or at least, so it had appeared at first – and even now were still rushing around the park making sure everyone was safe and happy.

It could've been all for PR.

Giff knew it hadn't been. Aruto had been far too genuine for that, and his clear love for his wife too pure for such selfishness.

The world needed more people in power like him.

He wondered how many others like him there already were out there, doing their best to make the world a better place through methods other than kicking monsters in the face.

He also wondered if there was a way he might be able to help them.