Chapter 20: A Long Walk
I take a deep breath of the cool night air. It's a wonderful night. Not only because the sky is somewhat clear and full of stars and there's hardly anything close to civilization for miles, but because Alec is with me.
I glance over at him. We're taking a walk, letting Kira have the room to herself for a while to take a shower and relax. Neither of us has really said much since I made the decision to follow Max with him. Normally, that would probably unnerve me. Alec isn't exactly the silent type. But for some reason I'm okay with him keeping to himself for the moment. I'm okay with a whole lot currently.
"You know this is going to be hell right?" Alec says, catching me looking at him.
"What?" I ask, not sure what he means.
"Following Max. Helping her with her little crusade. The rest of the world is never going to accept us. Especially not with White and his loony friends out to make us look bad."
I nod slowly, "I know."
"So explain something to me. Why bother? Even in the best case scenario, people like Joshua will never be treated like everyone else."
I smile slightly and Alec's brow furrows further in confusion.
"I tried to explain something like this to you once before, remember? Back when you were trying to catch me and Kira, you told me that freedom's just a bunch of shit. That we could never be free because of what we are. But that's the thing about freedom. Once you've felt it, just a part of it, you can't let it go. You need to fight for it. No matter what the odds."
Alec doesn't reply, so I continue.
"Besides, it's bound to be interesting."
That remark brings out a grin on his face. I quickly decide that I like Alec grinning better than Alec thinking. No more serious talk. I need to get my mind off of all of that for a while.
"Let's not talk about that stuff right now. I've got enough of a headache." I relay my thoughts to him.
Alec raises an eyebrow, "Did you have something else in mind?"
"I don't know." I say, my eyes wandering over the forest scenery as I try to think of a suitable distraction, "Maybe you could teach me some new moves."
He looks surprised at first, then skeptical, "Are you sure?"
"I'm fine, Alec. I've had time to recover. I may still be a little slow, but it's not like we're in training at Manticore. I trust you." After calming his fears, I have to tack on a challenge, "Unless, of course, you don't think you're up to it?"
Alec laughs and shakes his head, "Oh, you didn't."
"Come on, pretty boy." I taunt, taking up a fighting stance.
"Okay, little girl. Pay attention." Alec replies, cracking his neck.
He gestures for me to attack him and I comply, punching at his face. He easily blocks my attack, as I expected him to. I'm pretty confident that he'll evade most, if not all, of my attacks and even if I do manage to land some, I know that he can take the blows. This is 494, after all. The star of Manticore. I would have killed for the chance to punch him in the face just a year or two ago.
"Yah!" we all yelled in chorus as we executed a right-handed uppercut.
My eyes narrowed as I imagined 494's face being at the receiving end of the blow. I hadn't seen him in almost two weeks, but my hatred for him had not dissipated any. He was away on a mission currently, a mission that had been mine by all rights. My chance to prove myself and he had stolen it right out from under me. As if he hadn't taken enough from me already.
"Yah!" we all yelled again and my arm shook with the extra force I put behind the punch.
"Hey, get your head in the game, will you? You're making this too easy." Alec calls me back from my thoughts as he pulls me off balance and pushes me out of striking range.
"Sorry. I'll try harder." I reply, whipping around and aiming a crescent kick at his head.
He ducks inside of my defenses and pushes me back again, hands hitting my abdomen. I growl in frustration and grab at his arms, pulling him with me. I fall on my back, sticking a leg up into his chest to throw him over me. He absorbs the fall, somersaulting back to his feet. I spring back to my own and throw numerous punches at him. He blocks them all.
"You know, I think I know what your problem is." Alec says as he catches my arm and twists it behind my back, "You're overthinking this. Stop thinking and just react. You already know what to do. Just do it."
I pause as I absorb what he's saying. He's right. I'm concentrating so hard on what I want to do that I'm not letting myself use what's been drilled into me for the majority of my life. I let go of my thoughts, my strategies, and just let myself move.
I twist out of Alec's hold and fly at him, unleashing attacks. I feel my hands and feet connect with their targets. The next thing my brain registers, I have Alec pinned to the ground. I blink in surprise and he smiles.
"Nice move."
"Uh...thanks." I say, moving quickly to get off of him.
The second his arms are free, he grabs my shoulders and flips us. I gasp slightly in surprise as my back hits the ground and he grins down at me.
"Now, this is more familiar." he teases.
I managed to hook my foot around his ankle and pulled him off his feet, but he twisted as he fell and I suddenly found myself pinned under his weight, his hands on either side of my head.
"Turns out you are my type after all, huh?" I almost smile as I think back.
"Told you so." Alec nods, leaning down and kissing me.
"Thank you." I say when he pulls away.
"Any time." Alec shrugs.
"No, I mean thank you for what you did back then. I know it wasn't easy and you had no reason to stick your neck out for me." I explain.
Alec is silent for a moment before he shifts his weight off of me and sits up, pulling me into his lap and wrapping his arms around me. I rest my head on his shoulder. It's funny how well my head seems to fit on his shoulder when he holds me, like we were made for each other.
"Well, it worked out alright for me in the end, I think." he replies, brushing some hair out of my face.
"I love you."
The words almost seem to echo in the darkness. I glance up at Alec in surprise. That sounded suspiciously like my voice blurting out those words without even thinking. My mind buzzes with the possible repercussions of what I've just done.
Alec smiles sadly and looks away. He shifts underneath me like he wants to pull away. God, I hope I haven't screwed this up already.
"I told you," he says quietly, "I can't say it yet. I..."
"It's okay." I say, placing a hand on his cheek to make him look at me again, "I know."
I kiss him and I can feel in his kiss what he can't say.
"You don't have to say it." I tell him.
Alec looks at me with a strange emotion overflowing in his eyes. It's not an emotion I've ever seen someone look at me with before. It reminds me of how the Alec in my dream, the Alec who could say he loved me, looked at me.
Alec kisses me again, long and slow. I've never been kissed like he kisses me and I never want to be kissed by anyone else again.
"Alec?" I breathe against his lips.
"Hmmm?" he asks.
"Look what you've done." I smile a little, "You've ruined me."
Alec grins back.
"I like you this way." he says, leaning forward again and trailing kisses along my jaw then down the side of my neck.
I stiffen for a second in surprise at the feeling that his lips brushing the skin of my neck awakens in me. I almost shudder as heat runs down my spine. I feel flushed and short of breath, like I'm in heat again even though I know that's impossible. Alec begins nibbling along the crook of my neck, his teeth gently grazing that spot that he's marked me twice before now. I don't know what it is about his teeth on my neck, but it makes my blood run hot and something almost feral inside me wants to reciprocate. I feel almost feverish as my hands seem to move of their own accord, finding the hem of Alec's shirt and slipping up inside to rest on the warm skin of his abs.
"Uh, Jess?" Alec's warm breath tickles my skin.
"What?" I ask, still more focused on feeling more of his skin than anything else. I trace each muscle with my fingers before inching higher, pushing the offensive shirt that's keeping him from me out of the way.
Alec straightens and stills my hands under his shirt, forcing me to focus on him, "I hate to be all lame and Max-like, but...are you sure about this, now?"
The way he looks at me makes me think that somehow he knows I've never done this before. Like I told Max, I've never actually slept with anyone. I was quarantined during my heats and Manticore never saw fit to send me on any missions that required that kind of activity. In my time on the run, I never really thought much about it. I had bigger concerns and no one ever really attracted my interest, anyway. Until I ran into him. In a brief flash of insecurity, I wonder if my inexperience is that obvious or if maybe Max told him. Then I decide that I don't care.
"Alec," I reply, looking him in the eye, "I know you care about me. I know you're not just wasting time. Besides, you were right. I do want your body."
He laughs slightly and his eyes glint mischievously. He releases my hands and his own trail down my sides.
"And what will we tell Kira when she asks what took us so long?" he asks.
"We'll tell her we took a really long walk." I reply, copying his grin.
Alec laughs again.
"You are so perfect." he says, kissing me again as he shifts me off his lap back onto the ground, his body moving back over mine.
I don't bother to argue with him even though I know that's far from true. We have much better things to do. My arms slide around his back, pulling him even closer to me. Alec's kiss becomes more insistent and I kiss him back just as hungrily. When we finally separate for a breath, my whole body is singing with need. The only other time I've ever felt like this is when I was in heat, with him.
I felt like I was going to die, I wanted him so bad. I reached for him and before I even registered either of us moving, he had his arms around me again and was kissing me. I moaned into the kiss, feeling relieved now that he was touching me again, but also feeling desperate to take the contact further. My hands wandered frantically over his form, needing to feel more of him.
"Jess..." he breathed my name as he moved his mouth to my neck.
The sound of him saying my name like that was almost too much to bear. I felt like I was about to combust.
But this is different. This isn't just instinct. It's more than that. I'm not being driven by my DNA, I'm choosing this for myself.
I shift my lips to Alec's neck. He tilts his head to give me more access and my tongue darts out to taste his skin. I remember tasting him during my heat, but my memories from that episode are all hazy with hormones. They must be because I don't remember him tasting this good. I close my mouth over his skin, sucking and nipping at him. He moans in appreciation and suddenly rolls us over, putting me back on top. The animal inside me reads this as him giving me the dominant position and suddenly I can't resist the impulse to claim him like he's claimed me. My teeth find the spot on his neck where he's bitten me before and clamp down. He stiffens beneath me as I taste his blood in my mouth and the normal, human part of me resurfaces instantly. I quickly release him and start to sit up, worried that I've done something stupid.
"I…" I start to sputter anxiously.
Before I can get another word out, Alec surges forward and grabs me, devouring my mouth again. I gasp in surprise at his reaction and his tongue instantly surges into my mouth. Meanwhile, his hands slip under my shirt and start sliding up my sides. That feverish feeling returns, wiping out my anxiety. I kiss him back, then pull away so I can yank my shirt off myself. His eyes are so dark with desire as they trail over my exposed skin that I shiver. I sort of expect him to act like he did when I was in heat, to start tearing my clothes off, but he doesn't. Instead, he wraps his arms around me while he trails kisses over my shoulder. He unhooks my bra, but doesn't pull it off, just eases me back down to the ground. Wide-eyed, I just lay still and watch him as he continues to lavish kisses across my skin, moving across my collar bone, then down the center of my chest. When he reaches my stomach, his hands start to undo my pants.
I'm embarrassed by the way my breath hitches in anticipation. The noise attracts his attention, too, making him pause and look up at me. His eyes now hold a question, like he's worried I've changed my mind. I'm not sure I can form words at the moment so I answer him by nodding and lifting my hips so he can pull my pants off. He presses another kiss against my hip as he does, tugging them slowly down my legs. He seems determined to kiss each inch of skin as it's exposed and by the time he tosses my pants aside, I'm practically squirming with desire. I press my thighs together, not wanting him to see how ridiculously turned on I am already, but I notice his nostrils flare a little and I'm guessing he can smell it. Thankfully, he doesn't mention it and, a moment later, I forget all about being embarrassed because he finally decides to pull my bra off, his fingers just barely trailing against my skin.
"Alec…" I can't help but gasp, unconsciously arching my back, needing to feel more of his touch.
"Beautiful." he mumbles as he trails his eyes over me in nothing but my underwear.
I feel breathless when he finally lets his hands and mouth follow his gaze. I didn't think it was possible to want him more, but by the time his fingers slide back down to my hips, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Before he can start another torturously slow removal of my last article of clothing, I decide it's only fair to even the playing field. Pushing him back, I sit up and grab his shirt. He chuckles a little as I tug it impatiently over his head. I just glare at him and reach for his belt.
Alec's hands find mine before I can finish undoing his pants. He gently pushes my hands away while at the same time pressing another kiss against my mouth.
"Hey, slow down." he says softly, "I got this. Trust me."
Well, I do trust him so I let him kiss me back to the ground and resume his actions. I just can't help but feel a little pang of worry that I'll disappoint him somehow. I mean, he's the perfect one and I'm the disappointment. That's what Manticore taught me. But when he finally removes my underwear and starts his exploration of this last section of untouched and unkissed skin, I forget all about Manticore. When the sensation becomes too much and pleasure bursts inside me, rippling through my body like shockwaves, I don't think I even remember my own designation.
My mind is still reeling and I'm just catching my breath, when Alec moves over me again. I didn't even notice him do it, but I can feel his naked form against me and realize that he's finally removed his pants. He places another heavy kiss against my mouth and this time I can taste myself on his tongue. It's strange, but exhilarating and it makes me shift my hips up against him, pressing into the firm proof of his desire. He groans into the kiss when I do and his hand slides between us, adjusting the position so he's pressed against my core, but he pauses there. I almost growl with frustration and impulsively thrust my hips against him again. Then we both moan as he slides inside me.
Even now, Alec takes it slow. He gives me a moment to adjust to this new sensation before he pushes deeper. Even when my crazed heat instincts were driving me to this, I'd never imagined this is what it would feel like. Alec mumbles something, but my thoughts are so overwhelmed by the sensation that I don't catch it. I wonder briefly if anything else could ever feel this good, but then he starts to slowly move against me and I realize that I formed that thought too soon.
I lose track of everything but Alec. I don't know how long we spend together, but it feels like forever and not long enough at the same time. Before the end, Alec pushes me over the edge once more. After that second time, I'm determined to help him reach that place, too. He seems to be getting close, but there's something missing and I think I know what it is.
"Alec," I gasp again, not sure where this knowledge or the words are coming from, but going with it, just the same, "claim me."
Alec looks confused for a moment before I tilt my head, baring my neck to him.
"Claim me." I repeat firmly, "I'm yours."
Something flares in his eyes before he buries his face in my neck.
"Mine." I hear him growl against my skin before his teeth sink into that spot again.
I cry out, but it's certainly not in pain. My body stiffens once again as pleasure courses through me, but this time I feel Alec do the same. He drives himself deep inside me and then lets go. We shake against each other for a moment before we both collapse. When Alec finally releases my neck, I feel boneless and spent, but completely content. He shifts his weight off of me, but I stay melded to his side, sighing my satisfaction as I rest my head against his chest.
"So," Alec eventually says after we've both caught our breath, "a claim, huh?"
I shrug one shoulder, unwilling to move from my spot, "Felt like the right word."
Alec doesn't say anything else, but instead pulls a piece of clothing over us, like a blanket, and wraps his arm around me. Yeah, 'claim' seems right. He's claimed me, first way back when on that mission, then again in T.C. But this time, we claimed each other and that feels even stronger. It feels right.
Later, I find myself groaning in protest and pulling a piece of clothing over my face to block out the unwelcome light of the sun. It's a practical joke. It's not really morning. It can't be. Not when I'm so warm and comfortable, wrapped in Alec's arms with my back against his chest, covered by a blanket of our clothes. I can hear his heartbeat and feel his breath on the back of my neck, tickling my barcode. There's no way it's...
"Morning!" my brain finally fully comprehends what that means, "Shit!"
I yank what I now discover is Alec's shirt off of my face and sit up, my eyes darting around the area frantically. I can't believe it. We're still in the same little forest clearing we walked to the night before. Only now the sun is starting to lighten the sky and Kira is going to wonder where the hell we are and what took us so long.
"Alec! Alec, wake up." I insist, shaking him.
He mumbles something unintelligible and rolls away from me. I sigh in frustration and shake him harder.
"Alec," I snap, "It's morning."
"So what?" he grumbles, "Morning. It's what comes after night and...shit."
"Yeah." I agree, glad that he has finally come to his senses.
Alec rolls onto his back and seems to be thinking for a minute before he shrugs.
"Oh, well." he says, closing his eyes again and rolling back onto his side, turning his back to me once again.
"Oh, well?" I repeat, not sure I heard him correctly, "Alec!"
I grab his shoulder and force him onto his back so he will have to look up at me. I must surprise him with the force I use to turn him over because his eyes snap open immediately.
"Oh, alright. If you're going to be so demanding about it." he says and pulls me to him.
I'm about ready to hit him when I catch the look on his face. He's teasing me, the jerk.
"Alec." I say in a no-nonsense tone, "We have to get going."
He rolls his eyes.
"I know, I know." he pulls me into a deep kiss, then slowly releases me, "Good morning."
For a second I can't remember any reason not to stay here with him just like this. I feel my mouth turn up slightly in a smile and relax into his arms, relishing the feeling of being held by him like this.
"Sure you don't want to stay a little longer?" he asks, raising an eyebrow and trailing a hand down under our makeshift blankets, his fingers brushing lightly over the bare skin of my hip.
I close my eyes for a moment, weighing my options. While one is immensely preferable, I can just imagine Kira storming through the trees at the worst possible moment. With a sigh, I nod.
"We have to go." I say, trying not to sound too disappointed.
"Damn." Alec says, but he's still running his hands up and down my body and he doesn't seem like he has any intention of getting up.
"You're making this very difficult." I complain.
"Uh huh." he agrees.
"Alec." I whine.
"Oh, fine." he finally relents, sitting up and pulling me upright with him, "But you owe me."
"Oh, really?" I ask as I start pulling my clothes on, "Well, I guess we both need a shower after sleeping out in the grass, now don't we?"
I glance back at Alec and see a giant grin on his face. I almost laugh out loud.
"How is it that I didn't hook up with you sooner?" he wonders out loud.
"You're just a little slow I guess." I tease, standing up and going in search of my shoes.
"Hey!" Alec protests through the fabric of his shirt as he pulls it over his head, "That's not very nice."
"I'm not very nice." I shrug.
Alec smirks, "I don't know about that."
I punch him lightly in the shoulder before using him to balance as I pull my shoe on.
"Don't make any comments like that when Kira's around." I warn.
"That's going to be tough." Alec muses.
"Yeah, I know it's hard for you to keep your mouth shut." I agree.
"Especially about the hot chicks I've slept with." Alec nods.
This time I choose to smack him in the back of the head.
"Ow! Okay, I'll be good." Alec says, rubbing the back of his head. He stands up and buttons his pants, pulls on his jacket, and slips his shoes on before he continues, "But what about Max? Can I make comments to Max?"
"Alec." I glare a warning at him.
"What?" he asks, trying to look innocent, but not managing to come close, what with the grin on his face.
"You know, I might be showering alone if you're going to be such a problem." I threaten.
Alec is instantly at my side, pulling me into his arms. He cups my face in his hands before he leans in to kiss me slowly and sweetly. I sigh lightly against his lips as he pulls away.
"Empty threat." he whispers.
I try to shove him away, but he kisses me again and I melt. It's going to be hard to stay mad at him after this.
"You're beautiful." he says the second time he pulls away.
"Trying flattery now?" I ask, still feeling a little dazed by his kisses.
"Just admiring my handiwork." Alec smiles, pulling something out of my hair and showing me that it's a twig.
I groan and run my hands through my hair to try and dispose of any other evidence. Alec smiles a little wider and stills my hands, taking it upon himself to free my hair of forest debris. Well, it is his fault, after all. Still, I can't help but stare at him as he works. His face is set in slight concentration, only inches from my own. He really is a testament to Manticore's ingenuity.
"There." he says, tossing aside a final piece of grass. His eyes catch mine staring at him, "What?"
"Nothing." I shake my head slightly, "It's just hard to believe, that's all."
"Yeah, I know. I'm amazing." Alec remarks.
I laugh lightly, but shake my head.
"Not that. Although, I won't argue with you there despite the fact that it would probably be better for your ego if I did. I meant all of this. You and me. You know what I mean."
Alec nods and rests his forehead against mine.
"Yeah. It is." he agrees quietly.
"We need to move." I remind him yet again.
"Right." he says, stepping back and grabbing my hand, "Let's go. I'm starving."
I roll my eyes and follow as he leads the way back to the hotel. I love him, that's true, but he's still an idiot. The fact that my stomach is growling, too, does nothing to change that fact.
Kira is waiting outside the hotel for us when we arrive. Definitely not a good sign.
"Hey." she says tightly, not moving from where she's leaning against the car.
"Hey, Kira." I reply cautiously.
"I waited up for you two. Started thinking maybe you ran into trouble with all that's happened recently."
"Trouble? Us?" Alec puts in.
"Where were you?" Kira finally asks.
"We...uh...decided to stay up and talk. It was a nice night." I say before Alec can say something else not helpful.
Kira doesn't say anything for a long moment. She simply stares at us, hardly blinking. Finally, she turns and opens the car door.
"I packed up our stuff. We should get moving." she glances over her shoulder at me, "Ride with me. We need to talk."
"So, no shower?" Alec asks, looking longingly at the motel room door.
I take one look at Kira and decide it would be a bad idea to push her any further. I shake my head at Alec and move to go around to the other side of the car and get in. I really need to work things out with Kira. Things can't go on like this.
Kira starts the car and pulls out. I see Alec follow on his motorcycle before I concentrate on my friend. I know I have to tell her something, but I have no idea what to say.
"How's your shoulder?" I venture, figuring that's a safe topic to start with.
"Fine." she says, shrugging her shoulder slightly as if to demonstrate.
"About last night. I'm sorry. I never meant for you to worry." I say, finally deciding that a straight-up apology is my best bet.
"Well, after being around you worrying about us all the time, I sort of picked it up."
"Like I said, I'm sorry."
"You've changed a lot lately, you know."
"I know. But they're good changes."
Kira glances over at me for the first time since we started driving, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, pretty sure. Why? Don't you think so?"
Can't she see how much happier I am now? I feel like I'm just starting to live my life, like all the years before now I was simply going through the motions. Does she really believe that half-life is better?
"I know you slept with him." Kira says suddenly, startling me with her abrupt words.
"What?" I almost yelp in surprise.
"His smell is all over you." Kira continues in that same even, emotionless tone, "Plus, there's that mark on your neck."
My hand immediately lifts to cover the spot on my neck. I forgot that the neckline of my shirt doesn't cover it completely. I make a mental note to grab a jacket or a sweater before I leave the car.
"Are you really sure about him?" she asks finally, shooting me a glance before turning her eyes back to the road.
For once, I don't feel like I need to hesitate. I finally feel like I have at least that much figured out.
"Yes." I answer firmly.
Kira is quiet for a long moment. Finally, I can't take it anymore.
"Kira, he makes me feel like I'm finally the real me, the person I want to be. Can't you see that?"
"I don't know." Kira shakes her head and lets out a long sigh, "It just all seems so...so crazy, you know? This whole thing with Alec and…and the transgenic nation being led by a rebel and you suddenly wanting to be a good soldier and fight for the cause when back at Manticore you just wanted out. It's all crazy."
I pause as I realize where she's coming from. I have to admit, she's right. None of it makes much sense. I'm in love with my self-proclaimed worst enemy, the soldiers of Manticore are being led by someone they were trained to despise, and I'm returning to the training I left behind in order to use it for a new purpose, a purpose that seems impossible but that I can't bring myself to give up on.
"Life's crazy, I guess." I say, knowing how inadequate the words are, but not coming up with anything else to offer her.
"I don't know how to do this, Jess." Kira blurts, "It's too much. I can't keep up."
I don't know what to tell her so I remain silent, my mind processing what she's said. Her attitude makes a lot more sense now and I wish we'd been able to have this talk sooner.
"So," I broach the silence quietly, not sure if I should actually ask what I'm about to, "this was never really about Alec, was it?"
Kira laughs weakly and shakes her head.
"No, it was never really about Alec. I mean, yeah, I don't really like him. And I do think that he might be a mistake in the long run, but I can see you're hung up on him and I respect your decision. I really do. I guess...I don't know...I guess it was just easiest to target him. I guess I thought that maybe if I could get you to go back to the way you used to feel about him, then everything else would go back to how it used to be, too. Back when I actually knew what the hell was going on and how to handle it."
"Kira, I..." I begin.
"And I know I shouldn't have taken it out on you, my inability to deal, and I'm sorry." she interrupts.
I shake my head quickly.
"No, it's not your fault."
"Maybe not but I'm tired of being the uptight one. That's usually your job."
I glance at my friend in surprise. Did she just make a dig at me? I catch her eye and see the hint of a smile play across her face.
"I resent that." I say, but I'm smiling now, "So, does this mean no more angry chaperone 772?"
"Angry chaperone? Is that really how you'd describe me? Wow." Kira says, "And to answer your question, maybe. We'll see. I'm still not too keen on all this. I still have no idea what's going on or why or anything. I've just sort of decided to go along for the ride and see where we end up."
"I think that's all any of us is doing." I nod, then after a moment decide to add, "Although, it might be a bit easier on a full stomach."
"I'll buy that. Or actually, Alec will." Kira says, fishing out of her pocket what appears to be the wad of cash Alec threw her the day before. She shoots me a stern, warning glance, "But that doesn't mean I want to see you two all over each other. Might make me lose my appetite."
I smile and hold my hands up in surrender. It's good to have Kira back to her old self. I understand why she's been so upset now and I feel bad for not having figured it out sooner. Either way, it's like I have my best friend back again.
Alec was right. This is a good morning.