Welcome back to the story where we actually start with Return by Death which is supposed to be at the final!
Thank you for all of your support. It's crazy that I received so many reviews in the first chapter! I thought it would be just 3 reviews saying "It's hard to understand" and "Grammar" but it's actually readable! I thank FatPenguin86 btw. They actually assured me that it's readable. You have no idea how much I thought it wasn't readable after previous disasters.
Numbers are crazy too 49 follow 70favorite. I thought I would get 10 or something it's absurd and awesome! I didn't predict the story would be this loved since I am breaking so many common rules.
Btw I forgot to say but I actually crosspost this on AO3… yeah. With the same name. With so many ridiculous tags.
We went a bit crazy in AO3, there are 140 or something comments in chapter 1. It's basically turned into various discussions and less of a comment section. Thank you for all the kudos.
And I actually find my fic in one community that really surprised me. Thanks to Dragonheart of Ireland for liking it enough to add it.
Another thing I forgot to say is (silly me! Tehee~) we are still at the prologue. If you ask when we will getting out of this shit ton of info dump… never. But I can say when Return by Death is 'realized' by Subaru and itself. The prologue ends, an even crazier journey starts and some absolute divergence starts.
Some mind stuff happening like chapter 1 and this chapter might be boring. But this is really required. I can't just call it "He is evolved" and that's it.
Subaru's mentality, badassery, his way of getting stronger. Is slowly revealed. When the prologue ends I think you will have a clear understanding if you want to read more or not.
Now replying to some reviews from FFN (Not AO3 because there is a comment section smh and you can ACTUALLY REPLY?! Woaw. FFN never heard such a thing. We don't do that here.)
Last thing I want to clarify because I am trying to make sure you are getting what you want with this story and not lose time if it's not your taste so… This is not a "Subaru had nothing, IT WAS ALL FLUGEL. FLUGEL'S AUTHORITIES, HIS SPIRIT ART, HIS RETURN BY DEATH, HIS SHADOW GARDEN IT WAS ALL HIM! SATELLA LOVES HIM AND SUBARU ISN'T ANYTHING HE IS THE LAST BOSS" Nope. Absolutely fucking not. This is Subaru's badassery and some other percentages of so much waifu appreciation and fucking every character with bias and plot armor and giving respect to Subaru for doing his thing. SUFFERING EVERYONE SUFFERS I JUST REALIZED. And lots of sex at some point. Most likely not harem but until he gets laid, Subaru will bang so many… That's more or less it.
Now reading some reviews(The ones that especially would help to explain some stuff) I thank everyone who made reviews I read all of them. I always will. And here are some of them really useful for me to explain more shit about what to expect and the plot.
Julio578: Undertale just hits different
Yeah, getting vibes and stuff is normal because I got it from the theme. But no power etc. is taken. Subaru's Determination is also a cruel one. The purpose is finally to draw a line between 'any other character who's having it willpower' and Subaru. In a fantasy setting, you are rewarded for being a never giving up monster. Tappei doesn't let that happen.
'Proceed' part is also important. It wasn't just a blink to Deltarune.
You guys just realize at first. Wow. You are the second person. They already make Snowgrave Emilia memes at AO3.
And you are right. It truly hits different. And it's super compatible with Subaru. Imagine any other character in Re zero? They are just not compatible with it. It's gotta be Subaru making it cool.
Ham: I wonder how you will interpret return by death it is generally accepted as an authority or pseudo-authority of sin but from reading this chapter I have the feeling that your interpretation of return by death is something else entirely as if Subaru has hidden power
I don't mean to make RbD a given power by X source or talent. But it's far different than any other authority. It's true. Right now RbD just exists. But Subaru decided to change things. Hence Return by Death changes. When the prologue ends. We will see what it was and what it become. I don't cheat. I will just clarify how it should be, since if Return by Death will end with his satisfaction… It's only natural Return by Death will make sure he gets it.
'What if Subaru can't be satisfied because he has a low life span?' Immortality bitch. Because then canon subaru will never die because he has low life span? That wouldn't make sense right? With that logic I made the RbD in this fanfiction.
With that logical question that works even in canon what happening is… "Subaru cannot be satisfied with a happy ending. Hence so much shit is no longer required and there is new shit to be upheld" The Return by Death hence… changes every time Subaru makes a new decision in this prologue trying to understand. Constant change. Never stops. When the prologue ends. It will stop making BS stuff etc. And it will be more useful.
One change so far Subaru remembers shit. Immune to his body affects his mind. Which is a power. That's only one. There is so much. But yeah it's different. Obviously. I hope you love the interpretation when the prologue ends.
Hussainamm: I like how you implied that return by death is power completely different from an authority usual it is either an authority or a pseudo-authority but you implied that there is a different entity beyond the witches of sin like an outer God or something.
It's different because Subaru is different. Subaru is truly a different entity I think we all agree? A being that can only end with satisfaction. He is different and beyond the witch of sin. And yes. I never saw RbD depicted like this. And I created it only by thinking "What does RbD should have to work normally and how it would change for a Subaru wants a meaningful ending and satisfactory one… not just a happy one." and there it is.
Guest(I recommend all guests to create an account. It is better that way I know it's hard in AO3 but it would help a lot. Sometimes getting confused.)
Wait hold up, are you saying that this version of Subaru has suddenly figured out how to control return by death and the other authorities to the maximum potential? Like how Satella was able to use 1000x number of unseen hands, or how Regulus could stop time for himself? Because if so, then sign me up baby! XD
Hmm… Let me say it like this. Subaru won't be able to 'rewind and move forward' at will (He might do that if it really comes to). But Return by Death here is STRONGER than the theory where Subaru can just set checkpoints. Hence he just doesn't need it. It's superior so I think what you say still works. It's full potential. He just doesn't need setting checkpoints thing. In this story that would make Return by Death weaker (It's crazy right? But true)
Satella doesn't use unseen hands misconception. It's just boring yin magic.
Cor Leonis and Subaru's greed is so overpowered here. It's a star-themed authority. And Subaru doesn't pissed off at it like Sloth(sloth-chan tries her best to not eradicated. this Subaru is scary!) Subaru doesn't like authorities. Greed somewhat get the gist of it. Now it tests the waters. Dumping powers into Subaru without making him angry. It works. Greed-chan getting bolder! Hence why it's OP.
And Subaru doesn't have Stillness of Time, Authorities exist by desires and stuff. So Subaru won't master something he doesn't have, care about, or wants. But he will master so many other shit. But let's say. If he ever had. This Subaru would create conceptual heart's(usage of authority or something like that would be required). He would put into Envy(his waifu in this alternative route)
And the story ends with Subaru being stronger than everyone. Maybe I'll do it later. But not here.
I hope you can bear this chapter. It's a foundation for others.
Ah…
I can feel my whole body aching in pain. Muscles twitching… the tears in them. My eyes are closed. I can't move my eyeballs, the muscles in my eyes cannot move them… It's an incredible feeling, how can you be so weak that you can't move your eyes? I can't hear a thing…I can't feel my ears.
I do not know what is happening outside. I do not know… Since I can't hear and see. I don't know if my taste buds are working but It wouldn't help me anyway.
I focus my whole strength on my legs attempting to move them. They don't even twitch. I tried to move my toes only… any of them. Not that it would help with anything, just to know if I can control my body.
No. Doesn't work.
One thing I know is that I lost consciousness for a while… And I am still conscious. No. I AM CONSCIOUS. That's everything I am. No physical body whatsoever.
There are 2 things I can understand from that alone.
First, the only thing that matters: I won.
It worked.
How it concluded I do not know. But one thing is clear. Louise survived. And I won.
I would already be dead if that were not the case. Sheep scum would come to finish me either for his 'righteous' protection of his city or for mercy killing. He didn't. He couldn't. He is dead.
Louise is second only to me, that's why what I've done in the tower worked. Her consciousness. The way it is. Even without a body. My gamble paid off. With my help. She recollected.
And as I talk about consciousness. My second conclusion and another reason why I won is…
I am not dead.
My consciousness aligned with the action of Return by Death.
Sometimes I die when there is no tomorrow. Something only I understood in the tower.
There is a difference between the end and the end.
I die… and I come back. I die in the truest sense. Reaching the absolute end. And coming back.
But sometimes. I hold on. Right now as an example. For seemingly no reason.
But the thing is… there is one reason.
Because I won.
Louise decimated them. Or something else happened but it's unlikely. I won. That's all that matters.
I awoke from death… a long time ago. I do not know how long.
But It wasn't the end. I couldn't feel my body. But it wasn't the end.
So… I started my incomprehensible efforts to get a feeling. So I can resume.
I say resume because everything stopped. I do not know how long… but there is no way I can stay alive that long in that condition.
And… There is no benefit in getting into a coma. So I would just die.
Hence… I PAUSED.
Envy also not getting involved. To begin with… Envy doesn't stop time. She just doesn't. Her strength does not stop Beatrice from sensing the Yin magic.
Again… This just leads me to another ridiculous assumption. I [PAUSE] when Envy comes.
It's ridiculous but when Envy gets into your mind and fucks it with… her thing. Minds come together with everyone inside the shadows as mine did… No, scratch that. My mind didn't get together with others. I saw other people's minds getting together and 'watched' their memories. That's how I learned about the cloning facility in Sanctuary. I could resist that one thing. I was feeling what everyone felt… It was maddening… but. I was still me.
Again…. What is this mess? When did I have time to think? To come to these conclusions?
As I said. I awakened from death. Not Return by it. I won.
It's been a long time. I couldn't feel anything at the start. Not even the pain in my muscles. I couldn't feel my eyeballs let alone control them.
Why did I not just simply die? Same answer. I was victorious with no mistake. Even if I don't know what happened.
Return by Death is not an action to save Natsuki Subaru. It had and still has nothing to do with self-preservation. It might look like that to any other being. 'he is fragile looking'.' he is a mere human'.' he isn't loved by mana'.And that it's his only way. That wasn't how it worked. Incorrect. It was all assumptions. They thought they were correct. No one asked him. Everyone thinks they are masters at the 'subject' called Natsuki Subaru. Everyone's assumption was the same. Return by Death is his way of survival. Forgetting he doesn't give a fuck about himself.
It was Determination.
Natsuki Subaru moved forward. To achieve. When fate changes things, not favoring him. He would undo it… moving forward.
Even if he goes back with Return by Death It was an act of moving forward. ERADICATING the unacceptable fate that he rejected. He never moved back.
But. In this case. He won.
Even in this situation where he is trapped in his mind… something could be done. So he was doing it… searching for the answer. To survive.
Natsuki Subaru did not Return by Death to prioritize himself and to find an easier way out. The harder way will be better. Because cultivation of his Determination was prioritized over self-preservation.
But how did I KNOW THAT? How did I know there is a way?
Not now. When that answer is given… a choice will be required.
That's why… I will make that choice when I succeed.
Now… I had to awaken.
I feel this pain in so many places! Driving mad… so long. For so long I… I couldn't. ENDURE! Then I was able to!
I was able to endure to the point where I could feel more of my body and feel more pain. A cycle. A cycle that got faster and faster.
Then I would get used to that too.
Then I would control more muscles and flesh.
That meant more pain.
Then I would try to get another limb.
More pain. Got used to it.
More control.
More pain. I am getting the hang of it.
More control.
More pain. Changing the body.
More control.
More control. I feel everything.
More control.
More control.
More.
More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More.
Dying over and over and over again. Realizing it… not caring about it. Becoming numb to it. It was only a several-minute loop. It was as if he was holding himself in that place. For what? WHY? Who knows what Natsuki Subaru thinks. Why was the gap so close? Why couldn't he stop? The time to choose a new path was near.
He died more than he did in his entire journey.
Why?
*Determination.
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?
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After so long…
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It wasn't enough?
.
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.
Controlling every bit of my body… being conscious of the blood that flows. Controlling my heartbeat. Turning giant tears on my muscle into micro-tears.
He died 'several times'… going back to the exact moment but no matter how many times he fixed….!
Lungs.
No matter how efficient it is… in the end. The body is used to the fullest to achieve those impossible lifts to save Louise. There is simply no way to use everything. His muscles were fucked even if they didn't kill him like before. If he could use muscles he could fill himself with oxygen somehow… he had that stupid amount of understanding to achieve that. He had been trying for so long. He could use his muscles If his lungs worked a bit better.
…
…
…
!
After thinking for an unknown amount of time… searching his memories for something… anything. Searching for a way…
…
…
…
…
Lack of oxygen… inability to breathe…
That happened before. In… in… burning mansion. I was…
Ah…
What happened?
Why was I able to breathe in that fire? How?
So easily?
Without coughing?
Without burning?
…
…
I can't… I can't… find an answer.
No matter how many times I try. It's not like I will become smarter. Gain knowledge from nowhere.
I can't reme- then I will recollect.
*̷͇̬̼̗̠̘͖̹͖͙̾̀̈́́̓̑̌͜G̵̨̛̟̙̻̋͒̔͘ͅȅ̸̝̖̇̋͆t̵͕̹͉̟͉̼̙͙͓̻̎͜ṯ̴̤̭̓̈́i̸̻̻̜̻͙̺͎̫̮̻̿ͅņ̵̲͎̈́̊͐͌̾̏͒̀̈͠g̵̡̘̙̣̜̩̣̮̭̃̄͝ ̴͎͓̗̤̰́̀̀̈́́̂̿c̴̣̃̓̾̾̆̕͠l̶̢͔̟̝̹͎̂̀̌̒o̵͔͓̦͊̈́́̔̈̾͐͛͝͠s̶̨̟̬̿̋̓̓̇̌̾͐͑̌ȇ̵̡͕͙̘̞̗̘͓͙ͅŗ̷̡̛̭̠͚̣͓̼̱̰͉͈́͋̌̐ ̵̧̛̲̠̟̹̰̻͖̌͒̈̕͝ṯ̵̲͉͔͇̿̽̾̈́͜͜͝ǫ̸̻̮͇̪̲̹͒̓̎́̆͂͋̄͛͒̍̚͠ ̵͎̯̰͖̤̞̝̥̏̋͒͒̒͆̋͂̓̉c̴̻̖͉͕͕̰͎̺̿͗̎̋̓̋͜ͅo̴̖̼̠͔̬͙̲̗̣͔̅̂̀̍̈́͆̄͌̓͘͝͝͝m̷̳͚̬̪͈̒̽̌̿͐͒p̴̜͕̈̌̒͆͒̎̏̊͆́͘͘̚l̴̜̙̦͎͊͑̿̾̄͘̚͜͝e̴̡̩̺͉̠̳͛̔̅̈́͒͊ä̷̛̀̓̋̈́̋͂̄̀͜͠t̷̪̊͗̀́̇į̴̥͚͕̱̊̃̇̒͠o̴̧̫̺͉̻͓̠͊͒͐͛̋͂̑͆̐́̒̚͝ņ̵̱͕̊̀̃̀̌̏̾͂ - Return By Death
I can do it.
After unknown time passed… as he did over and over again. Natsuki Subaru's consciousness reached his body.
Unlike before… this time he could feel all of it. No, that would be an understatement. Subaru had gone too far with his attempt at 'survival' he could feel every inch of his body, and he could hear the blood flowing through his veins. He slowed that down first. For upcoming 'surgery'.
Even hearth has muscles.
That simple statement… pointing to a scientific fact. Subaru started an incomprehensible series of attempts to get a feeling of his very heart. He tried to make it beat, make it not beat. Tried to make it soft beats, hard beats.
That was one organ and one example. Subaru did this so many times that he had re-learned himself.
Now it was time to get up. He couldn't do it with his body alone. He had to use so much. First, he released the 'Witch scent' all over… If he didn't get to breathe nothing would matter. He could try to replicate what happened in that burning mansion but Subaru had this particular idea.
He hated sloth… this is what he understood after so long. The witch factor had his own nature, like others. But Subaru disliked that nature. He rejected it.
But then, it's not as if power was rejecting him. So he would force it until it became somewhat useful.
That's why… he started to think about the hand itself. It had a similar color to miasma. It was 'unseen' but not every hand had similar properties. He saw Sekhmet using it. Close to her, it was similar to a force field. Covering her body. It would only look like a hand after getting quite a bit far. He also witnessed when she used against Minerva. Speed was higher than Betelguse's hand.
What was interesting is… it didn't pass inside of Typhon.
It was just speculation… but even at that extreme speed, Subaru saw her hand slightly change its trajectory, instead of simply going past Typhon. It could be explained by saying even if she is a master she didn't want to risk it.
Subaru knew better.
She used that shit better than her own body. That's the truth. I saw it.
There was no way she had any doubt. Not to mention she was a witch. Even if she was the wisest of them, she wouldn't just be scared to hurt hand… It was powerful, It could do so much more than Subaru's pathetic Authority of Sloth. But it couldn't do what Subaru's hand could. That was all he focused on,
In Priestella he had to do something. When things got hopeless… Emilia gets into her sacrifice mode. It bothered me, It still does. She thought about nothing at all. Unlike the wives of Regulus, she couldn't unfreeze that because she won't be conscious. She never thought that she might lose everything. Maybe that ice would melt and Subaru would be long gone. She never thought about anything like that. Subaru was going to lose Emilia because of her own decision. She was going to freeze herself with no consideration for him. Not giving a thought. She was showing and feeling empathy for the women who were trapped by Regulus's perversion. But she didn't show that empathy for him. He was hurt. He didn't understand. Subaru knew best, he was a master at having low self-worth but Emilia wasn't doing that because of that. When people show they care about him. Subaru felt like he should take care of himself more but… when he showed he cares about Emilia. She kept doing those things.
Emilia might be calling him reckless… but he always did what needs to be done. She thought… The first thing she thought was freezing herself.
So he had to do something… He thought about Petelguese's Unseen hand and recalled its ability to phase. Subaru believed he could also do it.
One thing… It never had the ability to phase through things. It lacked the intangibility Subaru possessed.
Another mystery. But somewhat. He used suggestions on himself. And Emilia was saved.
Even so, he could never forget what happened that day. Even now Emilia might just sacrifice herself.
And then… what made Subaru snap that day. One of the reasons he is changing now…
Something that makes him so furious… Emilia lost all of her colors for that day. And it wasn't her sacrificing herself.
I'll never forget.
It's unfair. I was the one who saved her… it's not like I expected so much credit. But she just goes and prays to some scum. Her past was something I turned I blind eye so she could remember good things… I knew she was evading the truths and not questioning the people of the past. But I felt hurt that day.
My authority is affected by Sloth's nature. That was true but still… It was different. Far more different than other hands. And I could change things about my 'hand'. It's mine. It was mine. That somewhat makes me forgive 'Sloth'. In the end, it will be useful.
So… What I needed was Sloth in a more unshaped manner. Perhaps using that hand as a conceptual muscle to condense all miasma into my body. Then create a flow. Copying what everyone already takes for granted.
People like Wilhelm-san don't bother themselves with such matters. Warriors like them train with a focus and since they are talented mana acts according to their wills. Wilhelm san had no training over mana itself but he would subconsciously pull it so good that I swear he used a weaker version of Reinhard's attack when he killed the Whale. Without knowing the skill. Since I know he didn't study Astrea's way of the sword he told me.
Since I was watching with awe… I could catch the sight of the unnatural white light on the tip of the sword. I concluded it was actually condensed mana. He attacked the whale with it… Damaging the whole body with shockwaves and not to mention he did that with a stabbing type of attack. It was obvious there was magic in that attack.
I had to struggle and suffer to achieve what is called a flow. If the sloth factor can stabilize my wounds then I can get into action. Even if my body is still tiny. It didn't matter. I could make use of it. I will make use of it.
I am insufficient. I know. I am far below. I know.
I do not give or possess the talent that would cause any growth.
Everything I have is mine.
It's all me.
That's why I will use it. Because even if it's so little… Progress is progress. And I have this feeling that my progression is different from others.
I finally became numb to the frustration that I felt from slow progress.
I do not care. Bit by bit I will get stronger. If I get a little bit stronger then I can exploit everything.
Everything can be exploited. Everything. People. Magic. Fate. Matter. Feelings. Hints. Power. History. Mana.
They grow too fast. They grow according to what is decided for them.
It's starting.
Greed - Cor Leonis
Sloth - Invisible Providence.
A light appears in the tiny chest of Natsuki Subaru… Light of the Cor Leonis.
The light slowly covered his whole body… making it shine brightly.
Bright light carried darkness. A dark substance that was useless for a long time. Finally could be used. Finally, by gaining some excuse to not be discarded Sloth obeyed everything, following the light. Covering the body flowing inside.
Darkness also brought what's called Miasma.
There was so much… after all. With a growing feeling of something growing inside of his body… a very familiar feeling.
GHAAA?!
After losing focus and being startled with shock. Natsuki Subaru opened his eyes to the…? Sky!
"Oh… Ah?! What?" What… no way? Right, no way. How long has it been?
The panicked young boy started to trash around. Sweating like crazy. He started to do things like a mad man.
"Leg! Leg! Oh… Wha… That's different. What about the other one? Oh… oh… Yes. Yes. Hmm. Difference. Yes." He started to shake his legs one by one.
Oh?! So different?
He didn't understand what was happening! He thought the feeling would be the same. His mind was shaking!
"Hah… hah… hah…" He felt sick, drunk, and like dying at the same time!
"Subaru-chin!" Oh…?
Medium with her still child-like body caught Subaru. Her reaction time has saved Subaru. Subaru was saved by her voice… She was still alive.
"Oh… Medium!"
"Subaru-chin? Can you hear me? Are you fine?" Her bright expression upon seeing Subaru somewhat coming back from the dead was overwritten with worry.
"Oh… No. But I will be… Just… Hold me. For a bit"
"Hmm." She hummed with confirmation. Was it a weird request? Was it understandable? Either way, Subaru needed a bit of time.
Subaru died too many times. But the feeling of dying wasn't the same as other times. He was more in that dark place instead of in his body. Whenever he dies. His body would get reset to the unfeelingness. The checkpoint. The checkpoint set inside of his unmoving and unfeeling body.
'What's with the checkpoint… What's with me?'
Ah… Ah…
Returning by death. Subaru was still returning by death. Even now.
Normally. The progression would be quick. The action of rejecting death could be instant… or he could wait in between. He somewhat knows that now. This time was different. It was less loving. It was about doing something. Yes, Subaru discarded things. And now, things are changing.
Was it how things would work? Or was it just the progress?
Either way what happened was while dying in the attempt to control parts of his body.
At some point… he got too fast. He kept throwing himself between Void and Life… it was as if 2 supermans were playing with an indestructible soccer ball with perfect precision at immeasurable speed. And they stop suddenly.
Even so, he Returned by Death perfectly.
The problem was… getting everything that happened inside of his head after so long.
Another problem was… He died too much. Miasma, normally there would be no difference for him but while he was dying more and more while trying to get hang of his body. He attempted something… to do it better.
Something that would make things easy. And so…
He could sense Miasma and the scent. But while it was easy for his mind. His body was a different story.
And Subaru's first time sensing it… Let's say. It was obvious Witch cultists didn't start with this… amount. When they first sensed. Everything was covered by it. By everything… Subaru couldn't sense the end of it.
The city of Chaos Flame was covered with Witch Scent. It was in every part of it. Leaking from it. It was showing how much Subaru has done in his 'sleep' Subaru didn't know what was Witch Scent in the truest sense. This amount was caused by a fact that shocked Subaru… The shock awakened him without control.
300 times… I died. This much. Stupidly high. An impossible count. And yet.
It was because I saw no end to this condition… but also couldn't discard what I won.
This was the result.
At some point, I stopped being bothered by it. Because the feeling was my body failing to work. And I didn't care about it. If it was stopping. I had to make it work. With that thought… I've come to this point.
My muscle-mind connection increased ever slightly… That's why my legs felt weird… my whole body feels weird. I am still a child though… Don't know if there will be any consequences when I return to normal.
Whatever they are. I have to take it. That's how it works.
That's how it is. That's always how it was.
I close my eyes… this headache. My sensory overload from Miasma and Witch Scent.
Without calming down I cannot solve these problems.
The only thing I see is darkness. I went deeper and deeper into my mind. And then… find myself in that place.
Nothingness.
Finally
The surge quickened as if I opened a dam.
2̶̝̪̫̦͑̀͑͌̕͝ ̴̘͒͗l̵̢͆̀̆͑ë̶̫̦́͆f̶̞̈́́͘t̵̘̫̮͚̰̾̅̚͜ 5 overwritten - Return by Death.
I started to recollect.
The surge was happening… The same surge of memories happened every time I returned.
Things were changing. The accumulation was faster.
I was getting faster.
"AHGGGGH?!" A similar awakening. The feeling of being just Returned by Death. Yet Natsuki Subaru wasn't dead that was a hint. It explained so much. Gave so many other hints. He was getting closer to the truth. The problem with recollection was solved and he could focus on getting used to sensing miasma and the scent.
It was as if he felt 6 months added to his memories. It did.
It caused no change in the progression of his mind.
It didn't make him feel aged unlike normal.
It was different.
Every second in loops passed. It passed for Subaru. It didn't matter to him if the world got older. He did nonetheless. That was such the way Return by Death worked.
You can forget if you want. You can reject things that happened. It is not a problem. You can do whatever you want. You can keep the recollection. But you can decide there will be no reaction. You will keep it that way.
You can recall every bit of it. You lived it. Nothing will change that. But you can also keep that engraved more than you want. You may live it. But it never happened to them. You can change that. Or… you might not care about the world's opinion. What happened has happened in some way. World knowing or not knowing won't change anything. REGARDLESS,
They can be judged. If he chooses so.
-Return by Death. Time and time again. Subaru made choices. He forgot things. He avoided things. He judged things. Then he forgave the next loop. Things were changing… Judgments are kept as being judgments. Nothing erased. The world kept ignorant but it paid the price. Again… It was a choice.
Whatever it is… Whenever it is… It didn't matter.
What was impossible to evade for him was one thing. The choice.
The determination required things to be determined.
Even the choice of not choosing was to be determined. Hence…
It was a choice.
Whatever happened. When it happened. How it happened.
It all happened. With choice.
Natsuki Subaru's choice.
He died so many times.
First, there was such a long time between retries. Then it got faster, so fast that… There was no longer any space between. Before I knew it… the number increased faster and faster.
But now. It was fine. He used the fact that his mind was moving better in nothingness compared to the living world. He didn't understand what caused this difference. It bothered him though. The recollection was worse. The recollection was also the thing that kept him in place after coming back to life. Causing him to look weird.
"What happened now?! Subaru-chin! Subaru-chin! Subaru!" A sound. Someone talking with an extremely worried voice. Even with so many people worried about him. There was something different with Medium. As if she gets worse and worse when people around her are down.
"I am fine" A far-composed voice that surprised him. He was… feeling extremely calm. He didn't know how It was a far creepier feeling of calmness than when he got into the tea party with Echidna. And that was something.
"So you become fine right? You are fine right? How is your body?"
"Yes. I am fine, I am fine. What are you trying to do? Getting exp for the next heroine level? Oy! Oy! Don't cry, you already leveled up!"
For some reason, Medium started crying. She was a strong girl and tried to be optimistic all the time. So he didn't understand why she wasn't brightened despite him feeling better?
Subaru frowned while looking up from her lap. Feeling the teardrops on his face while looking at Medium's crying face. He felt as if something stabbed him from inside. She didn't seem to realize she was crying.
"H..heh? Crying? Me? Ah… Uh…. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" With the realization of her tears… the dam is opened.
"Stop! Stop!" Subaru… not wanted to but had to leave her lap pillow in this situation. He got up.
"Medium! Medium! Talk to me. What is going on?" He didn't know whether he was being dense or not but if he isn't strong then Medium wouldn't stop crying.
"Just… It… for a moment… you…"
"I what? You can say it. Let it out"
"Everything was fine. Then you… closed your eyes and then I…"
"...Yes, keep going" Subaru, now extremely curious. Also worried. Suggested Medium to continue.
"No… It's fine"
"Medium you can talk to me."
"No… that's."
"..."
It was an awkward situation. But Subaru had to help Medium as she did for him. It wasn't one of the situations where Subaru got in over his head. No. Medium. And Flop. Was simply different. Subaru wanted to help them.
But Medium had her doubts.
Why? Subaru had to think.
And he decided what to do.
He got up. Towering Medium, who was taller than his child-like body despite her being also downgraded. But she was sitting so Subaru could look down at her.
"Medium."
"Ummm." She shook her head. "It's… It was just something silly. It's not important really. It's not something you need to be concerned with! It's nothing"
"'It's nothing' you say."
"Yes"
"No. It's not 'nothing'."
"Huh?" Medium felt her vision was changing… a hand on her chin. What she was seeing was a boy with scary eyes. Scary eyes that disregarded everything in the world. Looking only at her.
The look inside the eyes. And the presence boy gave off… Did not match how he looked. Neither presence nor the look.
That was given.
But it also did not match to what was before… or maybe Medium didn't know enough. But those eyes were only seeing one thing.
Her.
"'It doesn't matter 'Not important...I didn't decide that. It made you cry. You call it silly. I don't care. If something silly makes you cry then I will call out how dumb it is. So tell me." Huh? What's going on with him?
"Tell me." Wha…?
"No matter how not-important it is… it doesn't matter." It's…crazy how intense this became!
"It made you cry." Yes!
"So it's important. Very important"
"Tell me… Tell me everything. I want to know."
What… What's with this guy…
…
"Take it slow"
Subaru slowly got closer to her… He held his arm towards her and put her face on his chest, it was as if he was comforting a child. That wasn't wrong of course. Even if Subaru was able to reach his old emotional and mental state… or maybe it was even better.
Medium was still a child. In some sense. Hence Subaru made sure to make every single thing he could do to make her comfortable. So that she can vent whatever is inside her out and relax.
"Uuuuuuuuu!" A wild Louise appeared. Subaru gave her a look. Contemplating if he just should leave Medium there and make sure she is fine… But he discards the idea. Medium needed him more. And Louise seemed unnaturally fine.
Worked better than I thought… As expected from the True Gluttony. I just helped and she was able to keep up with it.
Without giving any mind to the mood and just wanting to reach him… Louise jumps towards them. And then she stops too… Looking at them.
She was going to hug Subaru. Flung herself to him. But she didn't feel like he allowed that.
An expression… of disappointment. Appears on her face.
Their long-awaited meeting was disrupted. She wasn't going to get any praise. He was busy.
Even after he had done so much. Even after winning. Even after being the one who needed comforting most. He was busy with someone else. He was supposed to be busy with her.
She is eager to do something but can't. As if understanding he would be frustrated if big yellow onee-chan was to use that as an excuse to flee.
She felt that he got a hold of someone else.
She envied her.
He did help and made people rise. But it seemed like something was different. The focus in his eyes to help that girl didn't look as if he was just helping someone as he did before.
Perhaps he did put some belief in Medium.
Unable to recall anything like that… Louise's eyes got bigger as if mesmerized by a creature she has never seen before.
She had never seen someone like Natsuki Subaru before she had met him.
But she knew all about Natsuki Subaru. Calm one, Angry one. The understanding one. The one who doesn't judge. The one who judges.
She even remembers the Natsuki Subaru that was forgotten by Natsuki Subaru. The Natsuki Subaru she forgot. But now she recalled.
Even though she has once forgotten that Natsuki Subaru once… but now things changed with him doing the impossible.
If that one time wasn't forgotten things would be different.
But even so, fate brought them together… no.
Even if he had forgotten. He hadn't. Deep down. That's why.
It was his doing. Always was.
What was he seeing with those eyes… while looking at me?
Louise.
Louise Arneb.
She's looking at me. She seems fine.
…
I slowly take one of my arms from Medium. Still hugging her with the other one.
…
With the doubt being obvious on her face… I couldn't help but smile.
I opened my arm invitingly. And she joined our awkward hug.
This was too much even with my decision for her. But something inside of my mind, just couldn't help but cause me to accept her more and more.
"Louise-chan?"
…
"Well… if you make that face, it's obvious she wanted to get close to you."
"I-s that so?"
"Hmmm" Louise made a humming noise, confirming. But not enthusiastic. Subaru knew why. He felt the same perhaps.
…
They waited and waited. He waited for her to talk. She waited for her to finish with Medium.
And then…
"Subaru… I"
"Hmm."
"I, no, we all thought you… were dying."
"I see."
"And I was ready for it… didn't want to prepare myself for it but your body…Kh... Uh.."
"Shhh" Subaru kept comforting her. It was fine. No one would push forward. Death was natural. It was him who was weird. Unable to accept. Push forward. Unable to go back. Dying so many times just to grasp what could be done in a single loop.
"Then. When you were in shock… wanted me to help for a moment for some reason for… for… why? Why? Why? Why? I… don. Don't know but I… Felt. YOU. DEAD."
"..?." Subaru.
"...Uhu? Hu? HUU?" Louise.
"I thought you died. For no reason. But you were sleeping. I thought. For no reason. That you died. As if I… why did I believe that? That you were gone? I don't understand? Even after seeing you alive and fine even after seeing you breathing and just wanting to rest. I… thought you died. I was convinced. Then you?! You were alive again? Ah… Oh?! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Medium was crying and crying… holding her head as if feeling a headache. She needed comforting.
But… both of them.
…
".."
…
…
?
Medium started crying long before.
?
?
Quite a bit of time passed.
?
?
?
Subaru slowly put her head on his chest. Finally snapping out. Giving her the comfort she sought.
…
…
"I didn't die" He was the only one who could decide that. And so… he decided he didn't die.
Was going to void was death?
Since he was going every time he died?
Did that mean… going into that place willingly even if he was in a 'living' condition…was death?
…
…
It wasn't… No. It didn't matter even if it was.
'Does it count or not… it didn't matter.'
Definition of death. It wasn't helping Natsuki Subaru's predicament. What is known as death..which was obvious in the definition?
Was hard to know in Natsuki Subaru's situation.
This was an impossible event.
Going to the place you go when you die. While alive.
That's why. He decided.
He will be the one who will define death. From now on.
Anyone would agree he had the right.
"Medium. I didn't die."
She hummed.
"Thank you for caring."
Hmm.
"Thank you for helping me"
Hmm.
"But… I am alive"
…
"Oh? So you are alive, I thought I would see your last moments and the situation would be the opposite. But mineself also heard what you've just said. "I am alive" Is that so? Could it be that you are also trying to convince yourself?"
…
"Don't look at me like that. It is… interestingly commendable that you can state that pretty quickly after a near-death experience and losing consciousness that's pretty much death from your perspective isn't it? A child that was in so much pain. No, even if it's a warrior. Once death is accepted but not reached. One can't comprehend their survival quick enough. You are quite arrogant to grasp it quickly. That you are still breathing after everything."
…
"Not to mention it seems that your mind races with serviceable thoughts. How very convenient. My venerable self will act as if your condition is perfect. "
'You are a man who achieves so much when it's expected of him. I will use that potential. Even if logic states you can't.' An understanding no other reached about Subaru. Went unsaid nonetheless.
Subaru raises an eyebrow.
"Hmm? What? Did you think you lost some of your use because your body changed? Of course, your mind getting affected was the problem. But did you get more functional after your experience?"
…
"Finding your silence was a rare opportunity and you made me talk for amusement while we have things to attend to. Amusing me isn't your job even if you make a perfect jester. Natsuki Subaru. It's time that we make our move, we have a whole city to fight against."
Vincent Volachia joins the battle.
(Please read the review answering at the start and this, there is juicy stuff in it, hard to write a fic with its own theme. Can't believe no one played with RbD before.)
As always. For people having problems with it.
Glitched texts are:"2 left."
And "Getting closer to completion" is the other one. As you can see Return by Death is having the time of its life. Going crazy. It's a wink to gluttony but has an entirely different meaning.
About 2̶̝̪̫̦͑̀͑͌̕͝ ̴̘͒͗l̵̢͆̀̆͑ë̶̫̦́͆f̶̞̈́́͘t̵̘̫̮͚̰̾̅̚͜ - 5 overwritten.
Some people will get it. They suppose to not. But you guys are too clever. I word off "Proceed" and some guy instantly jumped to it. This while inspired by "X left" has a totally different meaning, it doesn't talk about some enemy number for now. I hope you can't guess. Seriously stop a bit.
Though he technically is Vincent Abellux. He acted like Emperor Vincent Volachia in this chapter even when he decided not to in beginning of arc 7. He couldn't help it. With Subaru, that guy actually feels like Emperor for some reason. He was problemed with Subaru's wits getting fucked up.
No matter what Priscilla says. Vincent was sure about Subaru. Actually he IS very smug that his sister can't see Subaru as he is. But also disappointed. But that will change right?
As you can see, he is quite delighted there is this fiery intelligence burning in Subaru's eyes. Vincent showed that he knows Medium is affected by other people's moods. She is not stopping if you are determined. She is like 'We are all gonna die' If anyone despairs. That's from canon btw. To be clear.
The reason he died so many times at some point he learned how to die. Yes. I am not fucking kidding. Subaru had to learn how to die. Like, he won't survive so much when it's death like a normal person. If he is not trying so much. After this chapter, he can die easily. Like from shock etc. if he doesn't want to survive as much. So a dysfunctional Subaru is a dead one. For example, let put this Subaru in the middle of Great Rabbits… He will die like a normal human being instead of SURVIVING UNTIL HIS BRAIN is BIT OFF.
Then Subaru got too fast and got adapted to pain too much. He got so fast that when he realized he wasn't stopping and stopped. It was 300 deaths exactly. When he started to die easier he was dying each minute in that last "more more more" part. Which contains of the deaths. Others were hard and Subaru mostly theorized stuff and thought about it. Didn't realize time was passing and took his sweet time in the void. 6 months passed. But didn't add into his 'age' for some reason. We will see about it more.
We saw Subaru reminiscing about Emilia. To be clear I don't hate her. I just hate everything Tappei does for her. Hence this.
Subaru is pissed. Emilia is sacrificial for no reason. Yep. This story acknowledges both LN arc 5 and WN but mostly WN I guess. Where Emilia didn't get the chance to randomly find Regulus talking with Capella. So she just sits there doing nothing...sad but makes more sense. She fought like in canon and everything else was pretty much the same like her trusting Subaru(good girl). For now, this is what I decided about Emilia. But arc 5 has its differences. Subaru has more achievements. One that not many people know like killing Greed but it's important as that one. And some minor ones only some witnesses know but they will tell everyone(I will make them scream to everyone what happend. Subaru will be the one most gaining in Arc 5 don't worry)
What did I change? Subaru didn't get knocked out by Invisible providence. And Emilia did one more thing that Subaru couldn't just shake off even now. She did this in canon too. Probably I am the only one pissed but Subaru is too pissed right now. You will see in the future what it is. Right now it's too early but I am hinting from the start.
Do not forget that a conscious Subaru means working one. So he did not abide by anything told by Reinhard or Emilia when they told him to stop. He went to do something in arc 5 he didn't in canon. The extra achievements start from here. A tired Subaru after fighting with Greed did so much. (couldn't find the gluttonies. If he did, they would probably dead that time… somehow?)
Medium. She is saved by Subaru. The mood change caused by Subaru's… dying and coming back? Was so much for her.
While talking about dying… Subaru starts to decide stuff. And the moment he does it becomes reality. So him speaking"I didn't die" becomes "Subaru no longer dies when he just visits his weird non-existent mind palace" The statement becomes reality because it's all about Subaru. It's Subaru's place.
Louise. How much is Arneb? Is she her old self? How much? Who knows? Subaru doesn't even care. He is %!00 sure Louise won't do shit for some reason. Did she remember something? Yes. What the fuck did Subaru do to her? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Subaru gives her the power-up in his ways. Making her able to use gluttony shit. It's not random. Planned. Fully.
We saw her thoughts for a while. It's cute.
And when Subaru sees Louise. Fine. He calls her True gluttony. She endured something no one but Subaru could.
I advise you to check AO3 from time to time if you want to know more stuff. They suck me for knowledge there + you gotta see the tags. One thing I am claiming I have the best tags.
Thank you for all of the support! See you next time! (I might not be able to reply for a while since it's 1 AM here but I will come for you later!)