Star IF Chapter 4: I want to be happy!, a re:zero fanfic

I encourage everyone to open AO3 account... seriously. That place is far better. And my comment counts are crazy. I thought no one would think for my stories at my level but I was wrong.

Please follow and favorite! Also kudos! I love numbers increasing... though FFN doesn't like me much. And reviews too. I read all of them. Thank you for kudosing me. And I DID NOT forget about Yorna. So many Yorna fans having only 1 or 2 arc 7 fics... they give me their hopes and dreams. I shall carry them.

After all that No longer a Star thing... I came back where I belong. But now I gotta update that thing at some time too... since people from Star IF like it. I have these core readers that always comment so it was interesting to see they liked it. And to be honest. For 2 weeks there will be no chapter because I will write a contest fic. It will be a very good one and I think it will be worth it, unlike No longer a Star.

Thanks to everyone who was passionate about No longer a Star even though I thought it would just get hated. Interesting enough story was successful for the cause of Chadbaru and people reacted to it. Btw... We have the first Chadbaru fic Valhala's Madness check it out. Btw... yep. I started a discord server.

I took a lot of risks though... server will have some writing principles and will encourage every kind of discussion. My attempt at trying to save fandom which I really don't like right now. The theme is really hilarious. I also wanted to accept every discussion that is looked down upon and so many other stuff. Hell, there is even a waifu war part. Basically pure chaos. If you guys want to join. Here is the link.

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Also I thank to the two people beta read my fic. Big tiddied Biden and my friend Iron Feathers. Actually the reason this chapter came out so early right after No longer Star is because of him. At some point we were talking about racing in writing and he joked about "You wouldn't pull an allnighter right?" And I did because I thought it would be hilarious. I did my best when it comes to quality though.

They were running and running on rooftops.

Louise truly gained her abilities… without the physical abilities?

'No… this isn't correct. Louise never had a body to modify as Gluttony did.' So she never had that special body to begin with.

And she did not have a witch factor to condition her body or gate to use techniques. If she did, it would have been much easier for them.

Yes, gate. It caught Subaru's interest after 6 months and a 300-death struggle.

'It was a crime for me to never think of this before in the tower, but… even if you assume they are born blessed… there is no way all 3 of them or even 2 of them have an affinity for all elements.' No. It just wasn't possible.

Subaru also died over and over again in the tower. One of the things he made sure to do was to watch over Gluttony. He has memories of them using every element all at once. If it was like before, he could not be sure. But now he knows the feeling of all the elements more or less.

'Not to mention the loop where I turned into pieces because I ran toward wind blades.' Ley did leave invisible wind blades for Subaru to run towards. The tasteless bastard's laugh was the last thing he heard.

'So, they definitely manipulated their gate, but it's so interesting that Louise didn't need to do anything like that.' She did need a little push, but Subaru understands that she is a monster. She became efficient in a way that no one in this world is. He bets that Ley and Roy cannot use 'Leaper' like Louise, even with their better bodies.

'But seriously, what the fuck was that thing? Louise using it as if it's a fucking authority… What kind of person created this technique?' Subaru understood people who are blessed can do any technique by looking at it or everything they do is a technique.

'You can probably write a book about how Reinhard fucking breathes!'

But this is just not it. This is something different.

Reinhard had the accumulations of all techniques and everything you can put into the guy.

Reid had a trick, which Subaru somewhat understood. The more he understood the more brutally that bastard killed him. But he got it. Reid was a bullshitter.

'He talks about how you can even slash things with a chopstick if you have got everything perfect. But I fucking got it. It's just another cheat.'

In the end, Subaru did not proceed with trying to find out what was that. Trusting Julius was the better choice. He, instead went with the plan where he let Roy become Reid as well like how Louise became him.

The memories alone wouldn't be enough. Reid wasn't a big shot. Subaru died too many times thinking he was. Both as 'Natsuki Subaru' and Natsuki Subaru.

When he thought the villain as Louise who stayed there for who knows how long instead of a dumb swordsman… things became clear.

The reason Reid was 'glitching' at first when the trial started and then gained a sense of self was that Louise was setting that connection. During the trial, Reid had only some qualities of his old self and would probably only work for the trial and then disappear or something…

Subaru first assumes it was Reid himself somewhat hacking the trial but no…Reid's headache. It was a giveaway for Subaru who was alone in the corridor of memories.

So… he did the same. Memories alone weren't enough to make Reid beat Roy… that's why he poured the experience from the books to him too. 'Memories' and 'Experience' weren't the same in this case. A moment of doubt was enough. And the game was set. If Julius was able to beat Reid then Roy would be beaten too.

Unlike 'Natsuki Subaru'. Natsuki Subaru wanted some way to help the situation outside of the corridor of the memories.

That's why he did not reject Cor Leonis. Actually, there was a clear difference.

'Natsuki Subaru' deep down rejected the rejection. So he could use the ability somewhat. But it was more like a skill… than authority. It could be felt easily.

Natsuki Subaru was only staying in whiteness with no way to do anything. That's why he forced that ability to be born. Because he felt he was disconnected from everyone… even himself. He had made a way to reconnect. So many of the limitations of Cor Leonis and many differences could be used by himself at that time.

It was one of the reasons he was able to give Louise things she had lost.

In the end. Cor Leonis wasn't a connection between Od. It wasn't something to be perceived. That's why 'Natsuki Subaru's' Cor Leonis was cut by Reid.

No matter how many times he tried. He could not cut Return by Death. Even after learning about it. His intuition was worthless.

And Reid was unable to even realize he had Cor Leonis on himself at some point. And he couldn't cut even if he tried. Not every ability was equal… and his intuition had weaknesses.

It was the very concept of 'Connection'. And Reid could not cut that concept as 'Natsuki Subaru' thought he could. 'Natsuki Subaru's' Cor Leonis was far inferior. He just connected with his friend while rejecting the ability.

But Natsuki Subaru in the corridor of memories wanted to connect with EVERYTHING.

Hence it did not differentiate between Emilia or Reid. Ram or Shaula.

Even Envy and Satella.

And now… when Natsuki Subaru sought a different type of connection… where he wanted Louise to connect with him. Cor Leonis answered that. Evolving once more.

'My body isn't in a very good condition… no scratch that. I am fucked up. My insides and outside. That's why…'

They were chased… but they also needed to stop so Subaru could consider what to do.

"Louise, it's time… start using it!" It was about time they lost their chasers.

"Uuuuauuu!" Louise shouted with a happy voice, seemingly obeying Subaru's command.

She starts 'Leaping'.

The surroundings that Subaru feels…

Ah… it was as if he was blinking and kept blinking… Every time he blinked he was in a different place. The scenery would change every time as if he was looking at different photos and every time he 'blinked' he would see the next one.

Space was changing and the mind itself was blurry… A…gh…

He kept blinking… blinking.

Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. BLINK. BLINK!. AHAHAHAHAH. BLINK! BLINK. BLINK!.

This needed to stop… even with his newly formed body connection after 300 deaths. This was just too much…

He needed to stop. Before vomiting. For some reason, he felt like if he started vomiting… he wouldn't stop. It's not like there was much inside of him anyway. Then if he loses consciousness. That was a big problem.

"L…Louise… Stop."

"Uuu?" Louise. Not realizing Subaru's condition while being immersed in running and not seen by anyone while performing this unnatural technique, made a worrying sound.

They come to a stop on a different rooftop. While they were leaping and leaping non-stop. Chaosflame was also a big city even if they leaped and leaped. There was a possibility that the city's population reached hundreds of thousands of people. Not to mention, according to Vincent, Chaosflame city is not only expanding by taking over neighboring villages but also expanding towards the underground.

That's why it wasn't a problem for Olbart when they limited the 'playground' only inside of the city and underground was banned.

While Subaru was trying to think about various things and not vomit… he was also struck by negative emotions. Keeping his mind outside of the feeling of the world turning and turning… It had a cost.

This whole thing… his body.

After everything… using different methods. Giving Louise her power. Dying so many times to understand his own body. It was just not enough. He did not miraculously gain any powers. He just did not.

He just had no training. If he had some proper muscles, even when he shrank, they would be somewhat there. He observed that from Al and Medium. If they were truly shrunk to their childhood… they would not be able to even do what they can right now.

When it comes to the accumulation of experience. Well. It's not gone. That was something… but it's not like Subaru had accumulated so much with training…

The depressing truth was that when Subaru compares the moment he invaded this world as the wicked alien he is, to the moment he was transported because of his own mistake to the moment he stepped into Volachia to now.

The things he accumulated here won against all that time. For a year he trained. It was unacceptable and Subaru just could not move over that he just wasted everything. One year. One year. One year.

In that one year probably the only thing that he did not regret was that he got to spend more time with Beako without any problems… well at least problems that he did not cause.

Beatrice… Beatrice… Oh how much he missed her warmth. Beako's body was designed as a child's body. And with that, her body temperature was high. She was the most cuddly being in existence. She was his salvation and his savior. She gave color to his life.

But even so, that would not be an excuse for his sloth. He will not use Beatrice as his excuse. She won't be used as such. No matter what. No matter what, Beatrice…. Won't be used like that. She was his. She took his hand. There wasn't anything shallow or anything depressing or dark… she chose him.

Her will, her choice of that time caused a source of light to be born in Subaru's darkness. That light always, every time, gave Subaru's world more color without ever yielding. Even now at this time thinking about Beatrice… it was as if Subaru was getting healed, the impossible comfort was something he just wanted to let happen just this time. Just stopping. Not caring. Severing himself from this world for a while. What can happen most… well, he can die of course. But did that even matter? If Subaru can bathe in that light for a while it would be salvation. Maybe just wait there for a long, long time. Replay the memories of that one year over and over again and feel the warmth. It's not like time mattered in darkness. He had an infinite amount of eternities in that place.

One of the most forgivable things this infantilization has done to him was affecting his memories. While this was happening… his cherished memories faded away, crumbling to pieces and getting destroyed. Subaru truly did not feel anything was wrong… not one bit.

But then, the realization struck. It wasn't as if he felt any emptiness before that. Even when important times were fading away… but then Subaru reached for that light he always had inside of him. So that world can gain some color.

It wasn't there.

Why?

Then it struck him. Something was gone, missing, erased? How dare that can happen. His salvation. He won't let that go. One thing he can hold onto. The only thing he can hold onto. Beatrice… He will not forget her. Rules of the Od can be damned. He did not care about the fragility of the soul anymore. He could not lose that warmth.

With that, he slowly gained and gained his memories. Creating pieces that are lost and putting them into places. Making sure that she is complete so he can get warm from those memories.

And when he snapped. He gained all of them in his rage… in his darkness. That was right. Subaru did not deserve to bathe in that light. To be saved by that light. He… felt that it would be using it. Not giving respect to his salvation. He did not feel worthy to be saved by it now. Not one bit. Using it when it is convenient, not paying it back when the time comes. This conceitedness could not be forgiven.

The darkness was what kept him going, the rage and the rejection. That was how it is… that was how it was.

He followed the wrong trail of lights… it wasn't their fault. When there was meaning in that child's choice… he still kept pursuing the shallow emptiness because there was a promise… promise of love. And that, Beatrice, could not give… love of a woman.

But he had realized too late that… in the end. Forcing it was a mistake… forced meanings. Forced relationship. Forced. Faked. A sand castle hit by tsunamis over and over again. So Subaru redid everything. He created sand out of nothing.

In his ignorance he thought the ending would be with a woman and normal love. No. How stupid he was. Forcing Emilia to take shape… Not indulging in Beatrice enough. Taking Satella's words seriously but not her love. When the only thing serious about her was love and the words coming out of her mouth were meaningless.

Making every wrong choice when it comes to all these people. Yes. In the end. He was mistaken. He was played. It was never so simple. That's why… he learned. A lesson was learned.

Love wasn't enough. Emotions weren't enough. Pleasure and intensity were wrong.

Meaning… long-lasting… Truth.

Yes. Things are different now. No matter how much suffering it is. I will take it. I will, no matter what changes this direction… make choices over and over again. If that is what it takes. I will sharpen things that I have always ignored. But no longer! This is where it ends. It has to end. I want some meaning in my life. That's how I will care for it.

Bringing some non-existent self-preservation was nothing but an attempt to keep his promise. No. He will break it. He will shatter that promise to pieces. That's how it always has been… if you are going to bind me, make sure that it's something I would keep. Not cut it. The one making promises needed responsibility too. The one forcing them needs to think before doing so. If selfish conditions are set for selfish reasons then they can be broken with selfishness. But Subaru never broke his promises for himself until now. It was always a selfless reason.

No more.

Selflessness did not help one. Not even one bit. Not in this case.

"Wilhelm-san… I…I won't be able to be like you after all" The greatness that comes with regret. If it comes with regret and acceptance of mistakes… then Subaru won't be great at all. The man he respected most in this world. It was one of the rare moments that Natsuki Subaru let something go. He won't be like that man, it was saddening. It felt like giving up. But if that was truly giving up then Natsuki Subaru would not be able to make this choice. Because Natsuki Subaru was unable to give up. So it was definitely not giving up. That was sure. That was settled in his mind.

Wilhelm was one of the people that appeared before him via fate. He knew that. He knew that very well.

If Reinhard appeared before him just when he wanted to become a hero… he came out as the perfect hero Natsuki Subaru never hoped to be. He could not reach that, there was no way, that was something else. A pillar of purifying fire, a living fire that was blessed by the gods. That was Subaru's impression of Reinhard when he first saw him.

When Emilia started to distance herself from Natsuki Subaru with her thanks to doubts that formed and fear that blossomed in her heart. Natsuki Subaru only saw one way to stand beside her… The only way for him to stand beside her was to become an image, an ideal,… a knight. That's why he was going to be her knight. The knight who would protect her, the knight who would protect everyone who she wants to save. If her hands are short then Natsuki Subaru would stretch his own hands until they would come out. But even then he was sure those hands would reach to anyone she would try to save and they would be saved.

But then… Julius came out. Julius. Julius Juukulius. He can be super knightly and kiss Emilia's hand and it was just a custom. But if Subaru did she would be like "What are you doing?" Even for naive Emilia, there was a difference between an elegant knight and Natsuki Subaru even when she is just a girl and not even a proper woman. Fate made him appear in front of him at the most perfect time.

One really would think Natsuki Subaru's existence cannot change the movements of such GREAT beings but that would be a misconception even if that was totally logical. No. While it was logical… fate did that with something that was outside of logic.

Hate. There was no exception. This, all of that, could not be a coincidence. Fate hated Natsuki Subaru. Truly. Not to mention… it would sound crazy if he were to tell this to someone but he thought he could sense it when fate itself tried to fuck with him. Fate had to get her priorities straight. Why would she set someone like Reinhard and Julius to fuck with him? He was totally unremarkable. And even when you think about it. His actions helped individuals loved by fate most, so what was the deal with her?

And then… even before wanting to be a hero. Even before wanting to be a knight. There was a wish, unlike all these shallow ones. It was a wish that originated ever since he learned about love. It wasn't something that just came out in this new world, this was always, always there!

It was wishing to do something for the loved one! The special one! It was this dearest wish that was truer than most shallow ones. It was truly a meaningful one. He thought that was how it is. He believed that! Subaru would do his best. He would try hard. Try harder, harder, and harder. If it even gets appreciated in the end then it was fine. That would be salvation. If only someone would understand all of it… and then appreciated it. Accepting Subaru. That was it. That would be why he wanted to be a man who would do anything for his loved one. He would draw power from love. He would tap that love for power. He would heal from the flames of that love. Understanding, appreciating, embracing, devouring, loving…Love. That was, ever since he was a child… that was what he wished.

So… naturally. He tried to be the man he imagined. Someone who would do so much, for the one. It happened to be Emilia. So that's why it was Emilia. He would try hard for Emilia. He would do his best for Emilia… and then Emilia started to get more and more distance. She… would not talk to him about what was happening. Her problem was him not talking about anything but wasn't this the same thing? She even said "You wouldn't understand" there was it… he tried it.

At that problematic time, he arrived. The man he was trying to be. It was as if showing that Subaru was a clown compared to that man. It was aggravating. This was too much… why? Why? Why now?

He was a man who was a legend, in the end, he had his happy ending. Even if he could not keep it that way. If Subaru got the happy ending once then…

That aside. Wilhelm was everything he was trying to be. Butler to a candidate, dependable, strong personality, strong body, strong with the sword, his intuition, his skill. It was just too much talent, too much… too much for Subaru… it was something else.

But even so, there was one difference.

He could not keep the happiness and regret was apparent. The bonds that are cracked. The history of mistakes, in the end, was essential for greatness. Subaru will reject that. He will reject that. Yes, the truth was apparent. Subaru wasn't great. He was just a pathetic man trying to hold on to something and cannot find anything. He would try hard to find something. And if that meant losing ideals and wishes to be someone or anyone then it was fine. He would take this result. Even if he was running away from that for so long.

If this path of meaning meant that he will lose things… shallow wishes, true wishes. Then It was okay.

If he cannot be a hero no matter what. Then he will take the only role he can as a hero… Rem's Hero. No matter how many times he is rejected no matter how harsh he is rejected. Even if it's Rem who rejects him… he will… take it.

If he cannot be the ideal knight no matter what, if that role is taken, if Subaru isn't for that role, then he has a way to being a knight! He too can become one. He would become a self-proclaimed knight. He will stay as one even if it was given… it wasn't given from the person he wanted. It was Roswaal who made him a knight. It wasn't Emilia. And there was no way to change that reality. And even if he could. It would be fake.

That's right. There is no indication, no hint, no understanding, no reasoning, no feeling that would move Emilia forward and request me to be her knight. It was Roswaal. Because he was the one who understood. But that was hardly enough.

A self-proclaimed knight is all knight he can be. It won't go far from that.

And… if he could not be like Wilhelm. He won't lose things… not because of mistakes. No. Not like that. He cannot become someone like Willhelm. It just wasn't meant to be. That wasn't who he was.

Now. He understood. This too was shallow. This too wasn't true. This was no different than the others. A shallow. A very shallow idea of himself doing so much for the one. He just wanted that image of himself and that was it. Understanding and appreciating shouldn't come at the end. It should be felt throughout the journey. Yes. Now Subaru understood. In the end, this was… also nothing he could hold onto. That's why… he would do something he did rarely. Because this way, had no other form. Not like a hero or knight. The only choice was to let go completely.

If what it takes to reach for meaning… more things to hold on to. Then I will accept being Natsuki Subaru. Because Natsuki Subaru could become Natsuki Subaru he tried to be at least.

But for now.

The best way to describe it would be…

Unable to become anyone, Remaining a nobody.

He stayed how he was, unchanging.

But how he was is ever-changing.

Unable to become anyone, Remaining a nobody.

Unable to comprehend who he was, Remaining ignorant of who he became.

While his body agonized over its state after they 'blinked' so much.

His mind, as always. Found something to agonize too.

They were on a rooftop. Not much time passed… since his mind was quite fast.

"Unable to become anybody, Remaining a nobody… huh? ahahahahahah"

"UUUaau?" Louise was worried. Failed to understand Subaru's situation… which was enough for her to get worried. She also figured out that he was getting affected by Leaping. So it was double worrying!

"Unable to become anyone, Remaining a nobody."

"Ahahahahahah?! UGHHH?!"

While chanting his newly reached conclusion over and over again. He moved so suddenly at some point. And apparently. The roof happened to be fragile on that very spot. This was Natsuki Subaru's luck. He started to fall…

"Ugh."

Before Louise catches him. He did fall, however, he also perfectly landed and rolled mechanically to the point that damage was lowered.

He could not set his body to the position he wanted this quickly before that 300 deaths…

"Fuck." But that also didn't mean that unnatural movement with his damaged and broken buddy… his perception, sight, and mind also affected by 'blinks' was fine.

He looked around… he was in some kind of working room… a blacksmith's workshop?

But before checking around and looking for things that are useable… he slowly gets up and walks towards a wall… Louise supported him… then he started leaning on the wall… and let himself fall.

While talking about falls… Natsuki Subaru both crashed and fell in every way possible. He was losing the stuff he believed in… one of the reasons for that darkness… that he was no longer "Rem's hero" according to… Rem.

And then there was the problem of being unable to endure leapings even when he somewhat felt like Louise was holding back for him… looking at her face, it's really shameful for me. Not being able to go all out because of me… I wonder does she think… Ah… whatever. I don't want to think that.

Back to leaping… ah… Leaping.

It was a horrifying ability with no weakness whatsoever. It was as scary as it sounded. He thought there was just no way to figure out where they end up unless you find a hint or something. For some reason… he was sure that even Reinhard would be caught off guard if it was the first time. He didn't know after that though… and he wasn't sure if there would be an "after" if they were to touch him with both hands after Leaping and getting away…

Yeah. He didn't want to think that too.

But there was another matter… if Leaping was this strong and Gluttony used it pretty much regularly on tower… how did Subaru's allies counter it?

They did not.

They would not be able to figure out anything about Leaper either.

When 'Natsuki Subaru' was away. And Natsuki Subaru was watching and more as 'feeling' things happen. He saw that pretty much everyone butchered with no chance to fight.

He saw Shaula getting beheaded. He saw Emilia stabbed in the heart. He saw… saw and saw and saw. He saw all of them get slaughtered.

Because there was truly no way to counter that shit. What kind of abomination created that ability… what was his name? Oh… which loop was it? Oh yes. "Dorkell"

Subaru believed that this 'technique' was something crazy.

It pierced your intuition. Because otherwise Emilia-tan and Ram were blessed. They would feel it somewhat, Subaru assumed.

It went also unnoticed with spiritual sensing capabilities… because Beatri-

Julius's spirit didn't worked.

Mabeast. Shaula.

Assassin. Meili.

It really did a number on everyone.

In the end. The Subaru who was in the Corridor of Memories found the answer.

He connected everyone with Gluttony. So at least when they move… it would be somewhat feelable.

When one technique or power was beyond the realm of anyone or Subaru… then Cor Leonis would let you get close

Subaru's plan was perfect. But there is another problem… others did not realize his support. They took it for granted.

He knows he felt anger when Emilia said "That's obvious I guessed it" when Louise at that time questioned how she has done it. Why couldn't she just understand that? Louise could not feel it and even Reid wouldn't because they were enemies. And that was the true might of Cor Leonis. Unlike the uncompleted version which was only similar to Nect. Both Ram and Reid felt the thread of Cor Leonis. Reid even cut it. But you cannot cut a star now, can you? He couldn't. He didn't even know it was there.

But Subaru knew for a fact that Cor Leonis did not hide from his allies so how… how… WHY? Why didn't they figure it out?

Even if he questioned like this… the answer was obvious of course. It's not like they were strangers to sensations and precognitions that helped them out of nowhere. All of them were so blessed and powerful that they just took it for granted when Cor Leonis reached them. This caused so many problems. So MANY.

This was basically a sign that there was Natsuki Subaru and 'Natsuki Subaru' but it never reached them. It was unbelievable.

It was his source of despair at that time…

"Uuughuu" Louise came close to him and snuggled on him… this… this was nice.

Now come to think of it… he never does appreciate nice things… even if it's simple. It did truly feel warm.

…

Oh.

"I… I… "

"Ma'am please listen to me… I don't know what you heard… or if you even did it or not but we don't want to cause any trouble… they are searching for us and I don't think we can have an escape if you tell them about us… There is a misunderstanding about this. We did not attack anyone at all. And yet… they are-"

"I…I… yes. Yes, I won't do anything. Unless you move suddenly… Wait here, I… won't do anything to you children. You are just… children? Why? Why?"

Maybe…

"Please… I beg you, I don't want you to help us… just act like you never saw us. That way you won't be left out or anything. Please…" Apparently… this workshop was connected to the house itself. Hence… this Bunny Lady could just come in.

She had a mostly furless face, though the same could not be said for her white ears and scut. She had a big chest and while Subaru did not know… she was quite beautiful even when you know about her race.

But he wouldn't care about that anyway. He just wanted this warmth to last a little bit longer.

"I never saw you… and I won't remember you. Please forgive me. I cannot help"

"Thank you" Subaru thanked the woman. He didn't seek any help. If she just acts like she didn't even see them. That would be a blessing.

The woman did not say anything and just left.

"Man… It's just…" A warmth covered Subaru's body. One good thing after another, proving his pessimism and maybe even his 'fall' wrong.

Somewhat, even Louise was happy to hear that. It was as if she was saved by Subaru seeing a little bit of light at the end of this darkness.

…

Louise was snuggling to Subaru. Trying to take that warmth Subaru was sharing with her.

…

This was truly the Satiation.

…

A robotic voice… started to…

…

"Hah…Hah..haha…Haaa…"

… Huh? Uuuau?

"I am sorry! I am sorry… I… I… why me? Why? To begin with… How did you come so far? To the inner part of it no less when everyone is your enemy? Even if it was a Divine General they… No… That just proves how dangerous YOU… are. With that child, you come this far… you… we aren't wrong…we can't be… you are dangerous. You are no child. NO CHILD! I DID NOT KILL A CHILD!" It was her mind and her self that rejecting the truth. Even if she did not know that Subaru wasn't actually a child. She did not know that.

Huuuuuh?

"Haaa…. Never once correct. But… also… never once right… aye? Natsuki Subaru. . .Kuhk." Kuuu?

Warmth… they share.

No. No. No.

Louise DON'T WANT to share this warmth. Not at all! NOT AT ALL.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

He was happy. I was happy. We were happy.

"UUGHU!?" Louise made the sound of anguish and pain… if one could translate the incomprehensible words. It would be…

"Ah… we were h…appy. For a sec..ond… yo..u… and…Me?..Ye…a.h. Even…m.e. Ah… Sa..ti..a….Satiation…T..su? Keh…KH..kKUGGH."

When they were hugging each other… A spear pierced Subaru's chest from the other side of the wall… the 'warmth' was shared with Louise, warmth of blood. But Louise no longer was her old self in any meaning. She did not want to share that kind of warmth. She did not want his name or memories. If Natsuki Subaru's any pieces were gone… she would… couldn't… live…

"Come child… I… know you are scared… I really do… bu…t It had…to be…khkkh…done…WHY? WHY? WHY? ARE YOU SMILING AT ME LIKE THAT YOU PIECE OF SHIT? ISN'T THAT OIL HURTING YOU? BURNING YOUR BODY? THE POISON IN IT?"

"Tickles? Oh… That thing? Wel…l it kinda t…ak..es.. It away fro…m p…ain…" A mechanical abomination who came from the depths of hell… satan itself was smiling towards that woman. From her perspective, his mouth had a blackness darker than the very darkness itself.

"Child…. GET AWAY FROM THAT THING… I…I …WAS…CARE..LES…THAT THING AIN'T NO HUMAN!" She was shaking from the fear… Subaru took note… So that's how it is… That's how you see… Hilarious… ha…ha

"KGUH…KHUG.." Louise was still hugging Subaru who was coughing blood because of his laughter… trying to close the hole in his chest… the spear perfectly aimed at his heart… but Subaru also impossibly dodged that blow he had no idea about it! Just a little bit right… The poor girl stopped thinking about logic… started licking that hole… so that it may heal… vomiting in the process… For a second imagining tasting him… and disgusted beyond words. Now tears contained self-hate too… She hated herself. Absolutely… she won't be surviving here… even if the world survives with him gone.

"Please… m…y… Beautiful…C.h..i..l..d… That's no… human…"

Louise pulls her face from Subaru's chest… something she never wanted to do… never…Maybe a little bit more. Maybe a little bit more and he could feel that warmth before…not this… not this… So much blood.

But then her eyes landed on that bunny… yes… that bunny… she had a shadow on her face…

Impossible understanding. But they both did know their last play. She and her Subaru. Both of them know it. Last wickedness. Because no warmth is left at all. Nothing is left. And this…woman. Was the cause.

"A…h…. Still…t..ry..in..g?" That woman truly assumed that Subaru was the powerhouse here. Well… she was going to pay for that mistake… though to be truthful… no matter what would it take, Subaru would kill her with his fragile body if that spear targeted Louise.

Subaru took a look at Louise's face… he did not need to. One way or another. The truth was, he trusted Louise above everyone. An understanding that no one could have. Same body. They were both one for a while… Subaru's doubt was stronger than everything… he would doubt everyone.

Reinhard. Emilia. Wilhelm. Rem. Ram. Clind. Roswaal. Annarose. Frederica. Garfiel. Shaula. Satella. Echidna. Julius. Anastasia. Priscilla. Aldebaran. Crusch. Felix. Petra… More or less everyone except Beatrice.

He would doubt any other child version of all of these people… might actually hug that woman to cope and get away from this reality. But…Nah…

"Ahah… Not.. her…"

"Wha..t… monst..e.r." The woman clearly peed herself from fear… He should've died a long time ago. To her, his heart was also pierced. This wasn't correct.. But even without that, it wasn't wrong that Subaru's survival was an impossibility..

"She..is…mine…"

"N..o..way… don't tell me"

"Kill them all. Quick as possible. We don't have much time. You are my priority. My revenge lies ahead. And you bunny…"

I WILL BE SORRY FOR YOU.

Kidding of course. If you didn't get the joke.

SInce you guys are sorry all over… I won't forgive anyone who apologizes…or anyone who allows you guys to apologize.

How stupid… how stupid this shit is… apologizing after committing shit… ah… fuck this bullshit.

Ridiculous bullshit…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

She did not hear most of that… since Louise instantly killed them. And with Subaru's consciousness expanded at that moment… Cor Leonis detected others… and Subaru felt.

3 Left.

2 Left.

1 Left.

Nothing remains. Move on to the next - Return By Death.

Louise reached him in a moment. Understanding the priority… she killed them as quickly as possible.

Louise….

"Ug…ha… ." Subaru couldn't even talk… but he could. His voice… rather dark but it felt like it was loving. That's how Louise felt.

I am really sorry… all this will be lost but I…will...remember.

"uGH…UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" This sight…was the worst sight ever. How dare anyone cause him to see this… this was hell. This was hell. This was…worst than hell.

I… really… am… I…useles..

"UUUhuuhuhuuhuhuhuuhuhuhuuhuhuhuh!" No. No. No. No. YOU. ARE. NOT. USELESS.

That was what it meant but she can't even convey it. SHE CAN'T; SHE CAN'T… NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHE TRIES… IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!

Louise…

"U…y….Ughuugguhghughuguhughuguhguhgu" She couldn't do anything and she can't even say anything properly. She would be forever alone. Forever. Forever. In that white place, she was alone forever. Why was she even born… she didn't want to… she couldn't kill herself too… she never had a choice. Like him. He just… didn't have a choice. Another slave like her. But even so… she… she…

"Ugh… !"

Haa…h…. … Pay off.

"?uuuGUuhuugghu" After not understanding his last thoughts… she was shocked and then she-

"I don't want to live without you" Huh? Something like th…at..? Ye..s?

She looked at his face…it was gaining a bit of life from… literally nowhere. There was no reason at all and yet.

He was speaking… it was impossible but…

"I…will..not… leave…you… alone…" Something invisible came out… no, more than once… so many hands… caressing her cheek, patting her head, wiping her tears… it was a beautiful face after all.

"Be.. … I…"

It was something that broke all the chains and despair of an eternity. It broke all the delusions and everything. It wasn't allowed and it wasn't possible. She knew it… and she couldn't believe it. One sentence… one word that proved she wouldn't be left alone… and that she wasn't a slave. Because he was free.

"I can… Return by Death."

Then she could be freed too…no, she was already freed. And she prayed to him that he would make sure she knows that in the future too…

She couldn't help but smile. Because this guy actually kept breathing for extra seconds… as if showing that his heart wasn't clenched at all.

"I…w…a..n..t..t…o..b.e…h..a..p..p.y"

Yep. This was quite different, right?

Firstly... I do not insert the line about Emilia saying I guessed it. Arc 6 chapter 67 legit has that line, it wouldn't trigger many people. But it did to me. So I write my way. Where Emilia camp didn't have plot armor and more like Subaru armor. Leaper is OP.

Btw if you guys now hate Bunny woman then I did my job good. And if you guys more or less hate all Chaosflame then I am really good this time. But probably not since it was a short introduction.

We learn that Reid is just another trick user. I mean what you guys were expecting? Pure power from no source? So I wrote this way. In the end, Subaru's true enemy in the tower was always Louise.

Subaru was really bad in this chapter. The hate for Chaosflame inhabitants was already apparent. Now... some people will be 'sorry'.

Subaru gained some dark determination... but he also lost the will to use one thing. Beatrice's memory. With him being changed. He doesn't think he is worthy. Beatrice really is the person Subaru misses most. If you were to put together every friend he made along the way except Rem with memories and how much he misses them. His Beatrice longing multiplies that total amount.

I mean you guys might be expecting something too much from the Return by Death scene... but at this point, it's just another feat from Subaru. Envy couldn't punish him because Return by Death did not let her or even allow her. If in that super important moment... Envy stopped him then Subaru would be distorted beyond saving for a long time and it would affect his ending. Return By Death wouldn't let that happen. Hence Envy was stopped.

As Subaru broke his limits of a penalty right after revealing he somewhat understood Louise after a while... Louise also breaks her own by properly talking. And I don't think Subaru is bound by penalty that much. First, it's a plot device second arc 2 Subaru talks about Return by Death loudly and Pridebaru talk about doing things over and over again. These examples destroy the whole, intent, control and so many penalty from Envy theories. If you want to write Subaru without it. Then you absolutely can.

Well. Once again. You guys know how to support me, with numbers.. If you do. It will make me happy. And if you want some really controversial discord then YxtzwbzVQh

Every guest should make an FFN account. That's what I think. It would be nice if everyone had it... just that. No deep reasoning other than controlling is a pain in the ass. And once again. I will encourage every writer to open an AO3 account because that place is just better.