This chapter was fun to write. But anyway. I am back and I won't be leaving for a long time. I wrote the contest fic but don't wait for me to publish in short time… my relatives came in and it was a very rare variant of them that I liked. So I had a life for 3 weeks. Now that time is over.
This chapter is really important for another reason. I am trying to improve my grammar and this chapter should be better than all of my other chapters… I will do this improvement for a while and try my best… and then I will rewrite Star IF Chapter 1.
THAT'S WHY! Please comment on the grammar and if you can bother, point out problems and stuff. And please tell me if there is any improvement or It's just 'Try again'. I am fine with both(But I have my preferences, just like Echidna).
I also started learning how to draw… my skill is -10 but as you know I am really intense so I will try my best and start making fan arts for this community.
I assure you it will be different from others as in content as much as this fanfiction compared to others.
I wait for your follows and favorites! Even though I am not so popular on Fanfiction net. (Not that I am in AO3)
discord . gg / YxtzwbzVQh
This is my discord. It's a fun place and I set myself. In my intense journey of giving this fandom salvation. That's where I reside. If you wanna come. You should.
Darkness.
Nothingness.
The place where only he and concepts resided.
He appeared. As always. Just after he reached another ending.
"I don't feel a damn thing." Nothing but cold.
Light would appear and with that… he would leave this place.
This light sometimes took shape. Subaru himself in truth did not need a reason to continue… but nonetheless. His determination connects him to the world appropriately. If that could be done that is.
The voice of the girl he saved: That was… the usual. What connected him… his very self presumed.
Then… it wouldn't be enough.
When that girl wasn't enough. Subaru came to learn that light was shapeless. Took many personalities to connect him with the world.
Beatrice becomes the sole connection when it comes to 'something' from the 'living world' taking him outside.
But now.
He shone like the star he was.
It was nothing but light. Subaru's purest reasoning for everything.
He left. Quicker than ever.
The light was Light. Nothing else.
He ignored the whispers of the colorful girl.
Return by Death questioned the needfulness of the excuses.
His vision came back. It was as if he just rested his eyes for a second and decided it was doing nothing for him… useless.
"I am back… Feel disgusting…" But that wasn't anything new. What would be new is…
"Updated. Very well, I wouldn't want to repeat the thing with Abel… have nothing different to do about that time."
A quick summary of the situation back then was. Subaru left pretty much everyone while taking all the attention for himself. No one knew about nor asked about Louise's identity. In Subaru's mind, the reason would be that he did not show any indication of being threatened by her.
Subaru can't think of anything that could be done differently.
That's why…
"Can't believe this… but, this seems fine." Acceptance of a VERY short checkpoint.
Not something that old Subaru would appreciate regardless of the situation.
But the new Subaru did not feel any comfort from REPEAT.
"That's right. I am moving forward"
Moving forward. That would do.
Why was he repeating, to begin with? To fix things? Save people? No. Narrowing down to that level would not help.
He was trying to walk. Walk to the future. That's why… even short checkpoints could be convenient.
What slows him down is when things he cannot accept become a reality.
So, Subaru makes that reality non-existent. His 'non-existent', rejected self consumes that reality. No. The action of returning back to a certain point with his consciousness… makes the reality that was left behind fade away.
"It's crazy to think it works well though…" Even when he could understand this checkpoint. Subaru was surprised because of how well he took this.
"Uuuaau!" That was another thing that convinced him.
Louise was hugging him. A good starting point.
To be completely honest… Subaru did not reach that 'warm' state where he opened his heart. Which had required him to show vulnerability and when he did… he shattered. As he shattered his trust in 'something good' shattered as well. Just like his heart did. All of this happened when he left himself open for a single moment. His being darkened once more. Hope was nothing but a trap.
But regardless… A hug was something to be appreciated. Subaru did not get much of those.
Emilia won't do such a thing unless she is somewhat separated from Subaru and then she would hug him in reunion. Was it because excitement opened the emotions she had hidden even from herself? Or maybe she was just affirming she did not lose him… which did not require any romantic feelings. Subaru confirmed that it was the 'second option' several times…more like every single time. But it was another thing that betrayed him… over and over again. With every warmth shown by her, Subaru was deceived. It wasn't her fault exactly… but he was deceived nonetheless and she would understand none of it.
Beatrice and Subaru would cuddle a lot but she was a tsundere so… It wasn't the same as rare moments where Beatrice and Subaru have a warm moment.
Rem… she would hug Subaru a lot. Not anymore though.
That's why…
It was nice. He could feel some sort of temperature. Was it imaginary? He did not know.
But he knew something real… something he can hold onto. He didn't 'have' it. So he still didn't have anything to hold on to in his life… but the burning feeling inside of him connected with one entity… which he would not let go of. That feeling always searches for the true candidate and that purpose was realized.
That person being…
"Rem… Rem."
"Ugh…"
Subaru started chanting her name and Louise was quite disturbed… Was it because of the mad way Subaru said her name, over and over again? Or maybe because his whole body was vibrating while doing so.
Either way…
"Ahahahaha… What will Rem think?"
'There will come a day. I will save her. There will come a day… she will remember both herself and her 'lost' self. What will she think about me then?'
But then he remembered.
It didn't matter.
Because the truth was that the Natsuki Subaru Rem saw… could not be seen by Natsuki Subaru.
That's why there was a big probability… that guy is pretty much gone.
He will believe he is Rem's hero.
He will believe that.
Even if Rem's hero wasn't the 'Rem's hero' she perceived.
At the end of all… Rem might be horrified by things Subaru did.
He always knew that if her return took too much time… that would happen.
Today was the start of that.
'And I don't think I will stop once I step toward that path' Subaru thinks.
Not that he would change or lose control…
More like not everyone gives him a reason to spare them.
She was cautious.
This wasn't how things were supposed to go, since from what she knew, the enemy was weak.
No. That wasn't it.
Regardless of who they were… what kind of strength they possessed. They would not be able to threaten the whole Chaosflame or any inhabitants in it. They were strong together, the strength they possessed… what a strength that was. Gained with union and collaboration. And most importantly, the love bestowed upon them by their beloved Empress.
Calling it just 'love' would be a grave understatement of course. What she and other citizens of Chaosflame call 'love'... to them, it contains everything bestowed by Yorna.
Love that gives them protection.
Love that saves them when everything is seemingly over.
Love that gives strength… making them no longer weak regardless of how talentless and ordinary they are.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Everything is given… given with that one feeling. That's why 'love' contains so much more than what it normally means.
Sacred love is presented to the people in help and it wasn't forced, you could reject it, even if that idea is impossible with how lovely that person was. How can you describe the person who does such a divine action?
Ruler? No. They all call her that because that's what she wishes. Even with how prideful and flamboyant their lovely empress looked from the outside… she would not accept being called a Goddess. That was how humble she was. The outsiders were ignorant, and they disrespected her by thinking she was a mere ruler of this city.
A ruler she was. There was no mistake.
But in truth… not a single person in Chaosflame sees her as ruler and ruler only.
The way they see her… What they were absolutely sure of was that…
She was a supreme goddess meant to own this Empire and even beyond.
She knows someone trespassed into her workshop. She had means of sensing that. Not with her own abilities but thanks to the function of the workshop. As she was its owner… she had ways to be connected to this place more than anyone.
But she had to be careful… However unlikely that might be, there was a probability that the 'enemy' reached close to this point and had been using her place to hide so they could rest to fulfill their evil plan against their Empress.
She had no way of knowing if the 'intruder' was the 'enemy' but coincidences were too much. She had a reputation that would stop anyone from coming here carelessly. For several reasons.
"And this 'intruder' just happened to come when the 'enemy' appeared." She slowly muttered with her soft but strong voice. Her body heat increased vastly from the anxiety. So much that her sigh caused a vapor in the air. That was because of her anatomy as a special kind of demi-human.
The woman who was planning what to do was a rare type of demi-human. Rabbit demi-human to be exact.
But unlike how one would imagine them as… most of her body was not covered in fur. Only some parts of her back and the place normally containing pubic hair were covered in fur. That was a big attraction point for not just everyone but also their kind too. Too much fur was a minus.
But that wasn't the only attractive thing about this Rabbit woman.
She had a nice and developed figure with a big chest. Her cleavage would catch the eyes of both men and women alike.
When you add her top-tier curves and her excuse to wear clothing with less skin coverage because of how hot the forge of her workshop was. She was definitely popular.
She was a dominant female… so even when she had a child and a husband. Her doors for new relationships weren't closed, unlike humans. Her power and looks allowed that. For any human to be able to do that they would need to be a high-ranking noble or king. To her, it was good to not be human.
Of course, her husband also knew that. The possibility of some other male or female joining as her wife's lover. A hierarchy might come to be… he knew she liked the look of a certain type of male and he didn't exactly fit that description. She was social and smart… so he would let her handle that complicated stuff and hope that she would not discard him.
She wouldn't. Because she also knew that his husband was… easy to accept things. That's why it was totally fine. He would get used to it. With adaptation comes happiness. She witnessed that in her husband so many times.
He was one of the precious things she had in her life.
That's why… to not lose what's hers. To not let ugliness reach her Empress. To not bring the war to this city…
She needed to take care of the intruder.
She needed to be careful. She was sure that she could overpower them because if they ran away from others then they had no chance against her. But that did not mean that she could capture them for sure or kill them swiftly. Since there had to be a reason why they survived this long.
To confirm their inferiority in battle power. She had closed her eyes and tried to sense the intruder… focusing her ears on the presence.
!
"What… is…that?" She never felt anything like that before, sweat started to appear on her body. The feeling of cold… she could not describe it. Dark twisted power came out of somewhere inside of him and yet… intruder did not touched by the darkness. It was around him. It was inside of him. And yet, not touched? Incomprehensible.
Magically weak. Physically weak. But has the means to separate himself from something so dark?
The incomprehensible and unknown are scary things. So she averted her eyes from the weird presence.
And when she did that… no, just because she avoided herself, just because of that, by coincidence… she…!
"Someone else…? Who is that?" A presence with an out-of-place feeling. Possesses a warm body heat, unlike the previous person that was obviously sick and dying. He already gave off the feeling of a dead body, but this person was considered unnaturally healthy.
Her vast knowledge, extraordinary sensory abilities, trained in the way of sensing things… She did not mistake this.
"A child?... no way… not even in this vile country." No. That was wrong.
Slavery from birth was real as reality itself. Rabbit would not be surprised if this was the situation, the girl's body condition from the information she finalized was… perfect. So efficient and bright. Magically strong. The efficient way of walking as if she knew martial arts… for so young. So young?
Wait a minute… she could not… deduce her age? How was that even…
After focusing for so long. She realized that the girl was extraordinarily talented. The way she breathed, walked, and made…'noises' Did she not know how to speak?
But either way. She realized a few things.
The explanation why she couldn't deduce her age was because of her natural talent. She functioned perfectly. So efficient. She would be a force to reckon with if she were to be her daughter.
If that were to happen she would adore her. Not use her against their goddess… So was it acceptable? It was fine. It was fine.
It was the Volachian way. It was understandable to take strong children with a future, so they will thrive in guidance instead of dying alone. That is true. Yes. She was unlike the vile kidnappers with merciless black hearts… it was for her future. She wasn't doing anything bad.
It's better if she was washed by the love of their Yorna-sama compared to anything. Even if she had family they were surely immoral and failed in parenting, unmistakably. No way they would leave her if they were any good right? Also, there aren't good parents if you are different from others. And this child was obviously different. Most likely she was beaten and disliked by her family. Perhaps envied by her brothers because of her talents. After all, even in this world divided into two by a witch… a woman's potential for strength is always questioned. How ignorant…
So the desired future for that child was obvious. She wondered what she looked like…
But that wasn't what was important.
Another thing to be alarmed about was… for some reason, she could not hear the boy's voice. As if something was covering it…
But from the manner, the child makes her noises… it was as if she was answering the boy.
…
She did not understand
She did not understand but even so, she wasn't wrong. But what ought to be done was obvious. For her sake… The Great Goddess Yorna and my future child.
She would make everything right.
Subaru was tinkering with the things that he had no idea how they worked.
But nonetheless, he was plotting and preparing. It wasn't something old Natsuki Subaru would do… using everything to his advantage.
He tried all those oils putting them on the wound he had opened on his hand to test them… burning… burning… But it was having more than that effect. Subaru's mind was given focus with this unknown cold feeling that got only sharper and sharper ever since he stepped onto this world. Pain on his wounds caused by the burning sensation did not falter Subaru… it fueled him. And most importantly…
I feel more alive.
It was a pain with a purpose. With these accumulations of pain, he would multiply his coldness and give it to the target. This knew a goal-oriented way of going with his plans…
It was as if a red sun cleared his clouded wife. The sky and everything were open. He saw reality as it is.
Louise was told to stand down.
This unshakeable something was going to blow up eventually. Subaru was waiting for that. Craving for the win.
The unmistakable reality of his story became clear with this coldness.
Subaru… regardless of everything.
Always have won.
While his interference and planning went on. The magic went against him.
This territory wasn't his… and the owner did not plan to be merciful to intruders.
Subaru's chest was pierced by a thick metal spike. Pain felt in his whole body and blood was gushing out from his mouth. With a fierce cough that was unbelievably painful, not the mention the burning feeling, Subaru colored the floor with his blood.
He only felt rage… it was such a stupid moment to die. Everything was already complete. If he were to dodge this thing… he would be winning.
His face was kissing the floor… he had 'lost'.
And yet… in his dying moments… Natsuki Subaru had FINALLY finally found something to hold on to.
Yes. All this difference in himself.
The reason this story was getting eradicated. It was because he had nothing to hold. It was as if everything was fake.
But Natsuki Subaru would not go back.
Because what he was holding onto on that cold floor with a spike coming out of his little back… destroying his insides…burning because of the oil and poison that covered the metal.
What he was holding wasn't Louise's hand.
It wasn't a memory of Beatrice.
It wasn't Emilia.
And it could not be Satella.
What Natsuki Subaru held onto in this world while losing his life was a KNIFE.
And he would prove it was real. That rage… that sharp feeling.
Natsuki Subaru for a long time tried to find a way to recover that fake reality he shared with others… that's why he searched for something to hold onto…
He found that.
But now it wasn't for recovering it… it was so that he would proceed instead of going back. Not to recover things… but to destroy the fakeness.
Natsuki Subaru died.
The empty place with nothingness.
It could not be defined by anything that 'exists'
It could not be defined as anything but a 'place waiting to be defined'.
He needed to define… and give this place purpose.
It was something every concept inside and even the place itself wanted… desperately needed.
But… he would not give that.
Existing.
Not existing.
Natsuki Subaru suffered in between all the time.
So everything inside of him also had to SUFFER.
Diabolical hands of darkness opened its palm. There was light. It was nothing but light. No meaning was given because there was no need for excuses anymore.
A dark shape appeared from the darkness itself… barely exist… it whispers love. Shadowy woman with bare white snow han-
The hand crushed the light… it eradicated the very nothingness… the woman that said only one sentence was silenced.
He was back.
The child could not form words… but it was obvious she was trying to communicate.
Such a talented and lovely child… surely her inability to speak was because of the evil that took her tongue.
'But… it's almost as if she is cooperating…' Because there was care in that voice… no it's just she doesn't understand.
That was all there was. Evil was obvious. Evil was plain.
She did not understand
She did not understand but even so, she wasn't in the wrong. What ought to be done was obvious. For her sake… The Great Goddess Yorna and my future child.
"You will fall, intruder… it will be painful at first but I will be making it quick for you" She quietly said nothing. To no one at all.
But a devil is residing in nothingness who lived HELL to make her suffer.
So he answered.
—I will be quick too. In my standards of the end, that is.
…
Fading.
Losing.
Extinguished confidence.
Extinguished ability to think
That was all because…
—Red
—Red
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Red. Dark red… condensed unimaginable pain.
Unknown to all. It was a pain that put her on the list of the ones who suffered most.
This unknown pain did not allow her brain to cope.
This unknown pain abused her bodily function so she can feel it more.
The pain that strikes her weakness… The pain that made everything a weakness.
The Natsuki Subaru type of pain.
She will never be the same.
" .. .AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
That increasing voice that should bring my end right? But in your arrogance, you have successfully made this place soundproof.
No. It happened just now. Am I right? I AM.
"UUUUUUUUUhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghggggggggggggggguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"
You are not crying… well… it surprised me when all of your 'tears' came out at once.
He wasn't on point. It was true there was no longer any tear left to spend, they all gushed out at once… but she was crying nonetheless.
Crying nothing but blood.
But why would you close the sound? What was the point?
Why not allow others to come help?
Why not let the family hear? You are protecting your house, right? What if something happened to the strong woman you are? Wouldn't you want them to hear and run away to safety…
You didn't think that, did you?
You wanted… SOMETHING.
"UGUGUGUUAGUUUHUHUUH EHEAUHSAHAHASDHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Incomprehensible sounds kept going nonstop while the tiny child was talking to her… the pain itself was triggering various emotional responses from the brain along with causing uncontrollable responses from the body. Sudden movements… one of those movements made her mouth shut so hard that her upper teeth were broken by the below teeth… which were a rabbit's. She did not only have those sets of teeth of course. But they truly looked like rabbit's teeth. The ones that Subaru knew…
Knew very well indeed.
They weren't efficient and most of the time they wouldn't be able to tear the flesh easily.
Those rabbits weren't different from the ones from his world.
He is disgusted with himself for dying even to them.
But even so…
"The last one standing. IS. ME." That cold voice definitely did not belong to a child.
To begin with… as for ANYONE who knows Subaru is concerned… It didn't belong to the Natsuki Subaru… to begin with… that dark chilling voice.
He had won.
But even with that… he knew it didn't end here.
All of this was way beyond a match between Natsuki Subaru and this pet rabbit. So many variables existed. Natsuki Subaru did not yet face them. He just knew that… they would definitely appear.
Just because he defeats an obstacle doesn't mean it's the only one. Natsuki Subaru would not ever have it easy.
That's why he knew it was a dead end.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHDSKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK KEKEK EKEKEK EK KEe ekekekEKEKEK k KEkeK Eke kEK ke K EKKE ke kE Kke KK Eke kKE KEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL P L PEL PE LEP EL PEL EP LEP ELPE LP EL EL EP LE EL PEL EP EL EP ELLLELLLELEEL EP LEP EL PEL EP LEP EL PELP EL E EL PE LEP EL EP LE PEL PEL EP LEP EPLPEL PLPEL LPEPL EPLE LPELPELPLPEPLE LPE PLE LPPLELPEPLELPEPLEPLPELLPELPEPLE LPLPE LPE LPE LPE LE LPE LPELP LPE LPE LPE LE LPLP ELP ELP"
All of that was because of this bloody route he took.
But no… the route of helpless death caused by mercy never gave anything. The invisible scars of uselessness hurt more than nearly anything. Leaving him with no belief in himself.
This was the preferred route…
Even with the bloody mess he created, Subaru came to that conclusion.
"Sldp p sp sps pssd askfkadfgkasgsadjgjfadohgjo o oo so osofsofso oso h uuh h uuuuuuuuuuh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hu hu uh uhhhhhhhhhhh uh huuuuuuuuuuuu huuuuuuuuuuuuh uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"
Subaru noted the woman's apparent change from randomly generated words to more comprehensible moans.
Subaru was…
Natsuki Subaru was the Lord of Pain and Monster of Suffering.
So he knew… There was nothing about this woman that could overcome this pain.
No determination. No coping mechanism. No. Nothing.
And yet she was getting better. No other living being would call this getting better but Subaru was beyond that. If he could classify his sufferings then why not do it for others?
And with that… he wondered and despised one thing that appeared inside of him.
He was… disgusted with himself… for doing this, but nonetheless… he knew he shouldn't be. Even if this was tearing apart the vision of 'Natsuki Subaru' he would take it.
There was mercy in this dark path no matter how unforgiving he seems to others.
Yes, mercy for himself.
Natsuki Subaru chose this, and everything this woman did to him. He acknowledged it as 'done' instead of discarding that reality.
Natsuki Subaru was the sole determiner of the realities that only he remembered. He was the one that could decide if his act toward other people should be based on other loops or not.
Until now that was done with an incomprehensible madness… both choices of 'good' and 'evil'.
Emilia was called unchanged in every loop. The one who did that was no one but Natsuki Subaru. But no one could change between loops anyway… the one who could make changes was no one but Natsuki Subaru. So… why did he see a light in the fact that she was unchanging?
When a loop meant repetition anyway. Nothing changed.
There was not a single thing that changed.
Why did he do that? Because he was mad.
The determination that used uncontrollably… because he was mad about the idea of the story.
It was never about judgment.
He never cared about 'good' or 'evil'. Rem and Ram never questioned that way.
It was all about what he wanted to carry to the future.
The choices weren't 'GOOD' and 'EVIL'
Discard.
Carry.
Which characters will be discarded?
Which one of them is to be preserved?
It was as if it was the decision of a god. But in the end that was how it is…
And these determinations are always made by his base instincts… it was never about logic or they carried any thought. He would not allow that to happen anymore.
Sisters should not be separated. He could not let that happen, how could he? They were kind to him so he did want them to keep being kind to him.
Hold on to Emilia. Unchanging Emilia. He did that because he thought she was meant to be that way to him. She was the one Subaru wanted to hold above. So he did.
"UUUUUHHHHHHH…. OH…OGH….." Breathing… Breathing…
Elsa discarded. She was in his way. That was all.
Petelguese discarded. He was in his way. That was all.
Roswaal was different. Because he was still in his vision of the future. That can change. Anything can change. Even if it meant crushing love. It would be done. He had no respect for it. He despised it.
Good and Bad. Never was a thing.
What do I want in the future? What do I want to erase so it won't be carried over to the future? Was the truth.
That's why… I will.
—Definitely.
Stop this feeling of hesitation inside of me.
The times that I have decided things with only feeling are no more.
I WILL DECIDE. No matter how arrogant it is… I WILL DO JUST THAT.
WHO WILL DIE? WHO WILL REMAIN?
"That's why…"
"Iug.h….You….YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
"I ask you, slut."
" …..KILLLLLLLL"
"Why would you survive?"
The pierced flesh should've kept her in place… but she escaped by ripping out that part of her.
That should've killed her. No, she should've died even before… maybe agonizing for close to 10 minutes… but she didn't.
The regeneration.
"Love. Isn't it?"
"Love! Love! Love! Love! Love! Love!" The drunk expression. The hungry expression. That dependent expression.
Subaru finally understood what 'love' was.
Soul Marriage. The technique… it wasn't just about consent. Love was something more than consent.
It healed her. It healed her soul to the condition better than before. By giving 'love'.
Subaru knew that. Not that he could feel the very essence of Soul Marriage.
No. He could understand that very well… because Subaru also received 'LOVE' from a very shallow woman.
Satella loved him. No mistake. But in the end… she did not just try to express it and make him feel by expression alone.
Satella would cover him with her very self and pour her emotions into him… his Od, his Soul.
And one's self always seeks love. This was most true with Subaru.
And yet… It was disgusting.
It was animalistic.
Love should be expressed… and then one could feel it with words and sensation… it should not be poured into someone.
That's why his feelings for her are so intense… it wasn't just that there is love for her that remained inside of Subaru from the past but also she always allowed herself to pour that love into Subaru. Essentially raping his very soul every time.
Regardless of the reason which might be her consciously doing… or her animalistic intent coming to the surface because of madness… it belonged to her.
Satella truly discarded the idea that Subaru would love her. That's why she turned into such an ugly existence.
And ugly it was.
So ugly.
And it was such a cruel fate to put this woman's face in front of him. Drunk with love. Drunk with everything she was a slave to it…
It reminded Subaru of the time when he was stuck inside of her shadows.
It reminded him of the times he would get drunk in that love willingly every time he died… inside of that place…
Hate.
That pathetic display… Natsuki Subaru hated himself for that. How disgusting. How disgusting.
DISGUSTING. DISGUSTING. DISGUSTING. SO FUCKING DISGUSTING.
AND NOW THIS WOMAN… CRAWLING TOWARDS HIM LIKE THAT?
"How dare you look at me like that!?"
Just when she was getting up after losing all that blood… after her flesh finally regenerated with love that she lost what she felt like an eternity… she regained it.
"Fuck! FUCK! FUCK! HOW DISGUSTING NATSUKI SUBARU?! WHY DID YOU COPE LIKE THAT? WHY ARE YOU SO COWARD?!"
Madman… screaming at himself. She could not form any long thought process but when she saw him with his weak body… disregarding her, who should be able to kill him the moment she gained her strength…
'Self-centered' such a word appeared in her mind.
"FUCK! SO DISGUSTING! Damn bastard Natsuki Subaru! Fuck you!"
She needed to pull love… it was given to her so she can heal… but she needed more… so she took it forcefully… she shouldn't have done that… it most likely hurt Yorna-sama… And yet… Pain. Pain… PAIN.
"Why are you such a slut Natsuki Subaru?! Why? Why? WHY AM I AM SO DISGUSTING?!"
Seeking love. Even when he is exploited in that dark place.
Seeking love. Even when his sins were distorted because of the one who was giving that love.
SEEKING LOVE…
I can do it… I just need to get up… and kick his head… I have the strength.
"You are nothing but a bitch…That needs to fucking change…"
'I will survive… for Yorna-sama…' Even if it was because of a madman's moment of insanity… she needed to use it. To survive.
A bright future awaits her…
With Yorna-sama…
She would definitely get loved.
Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.
"He…..hrhehe. I will be loved"
"..Tch… You too?"
Maybe this would be a moment of understanding and pity.
After all, there was a moment that Natsuki Subaru pitied and felt sympathy for the Petelguese… who did everything to get love… to feel…, and it was never answered. It wouldn't be heard.
Subaru subconsciously knew that his situation was the same. Subaru would not be accepted by his loved one. Never.
But this time… what he sought… 'THE MEANING' instead of 'Happy Ending' was more than just love…
Precisely for that reason alone.
He would REJECT that as hard as he could.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! STUPID ONE-DIMENSIONAL BITCH!" With that… Subaru took the vial he prepared before and…
And splashed her face with all of the liquid inside.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. PAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN.
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Her whole skin closer to her head was newly regenerated.
But since the pain was so great. Rabbit momentarily disconnected from the System of Love. The pain was so great that her love lost against that pain.
Hence why Soul Marriage's defense did not work.
And when she connected again. Flesh, mind, and even soul could be healed… but it couldn't reverse what already happened itself. So the flesh was new.
And to this new flesh which was very sensitive… Subaru splashed that oil that was put onto the steel so it would burn and damage the skin. It would damage one's skin with touch alone.
Subaru understands that's one of the things she was a genius about. But it was used against her.
Her whole skull was scorching.
Love was forever gone.
Her last hope was that child…
And yet.
…
She just… turned her back?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Everything betrayed her. Every single person who she knew… by not helping her.
Yorna too… her husband too… child of her blood too…
And that yellow thing… it was obvious.
It was this monster's pet.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
It was… a minute… maybe…
And she felt like she was the most tormented soul in existence.
It wasn't about her body failing her anymore.
Yes… she could feel it.
Something dark… was giving the light.
She could die.
And yet…
SPLURCH! PIERCE!
How about that?
In that moment of rage… it was that single moment only that she could reject the release of death and take revenge… any millisecond later and she would just give up.
And yet…
"Ah… So… It's already cast? CoUgGH" Magic was set. He doubted she could do any magic. But so… it meant she could just affect it without any bodily functions… or 'gate' needed.
"Next time… I will get better. I promise. I. Always. Do."
The spike that came from the steel floor definitely marked his fate… and yet…
Even when he should feel a similar pain…
Even while the yellow figure was crying…
That expression of release… made her fear so muc-
—So much so that she died before him… Out of fear.
And yet. Death wasn't the end for her. Death won't be forgiving to her.
Death loved Natsuki Subaru more than anyone.
She won't be escaping from Natsuki Subaru by escaping towards his woman.
Void. Darkness.
It was the same. Empty. Devoid of Love.
As it should be.
That 'love'...
To think that 'love' is actually a thing…
The Od was such an open thing, open to interference and everything… it was the most vulnerable part of any being in this world. By accepting love, the 'marriage' was mutual. Which meant love was more 'holdable' and 'touchable' than just a concept.
And yet… that wasn't what Natsuki Subaru was stuck at.
Satella! Satella! SatellllllaAAAAAAAAA!
Exploiting one's defenselessness. With her way of doing things… Satella did nothing but rape Subaru senselessly in those moments.
Was this what happened? Right now it seemed exactly like that to Subaru.
For now, he truly could not think of any other conclusion.
Satella interacted, touched, and invested her own emotions into his 'soul'.
Could it be that's why he was reacting to her so intensely?
Again. DEEP DOWN. VERY VERY DEEP DOWN.
There was some love for that girl.
But why was this so intense?
And if that's so strong why does he always have a side that rejects those feelings?
That must be why! Or maybe he is too quick to decide?
Satella was twisted. Even her 'sane' self. So self-centered… thoughtless.
So it's not outlandish that she saw this way of 'loving' appropriately.
If his very soul is affected.
If Emilia's existence was very close to Satella's in similarity. Like perhaps her soul?
Has anything Natsuki Subaru ever felt real in any way?
Unlike his recent way of quitting this place… this time he stayed here.
It was important for him.
He pondered… questioned even further.
Real. Not real.
Fake. Fake?
Both are fake? Is one of them real?
Why? Why? WhY?
What did he do to deserve this?
What did he do to be left so loveless?
Was she his enemy? Should he destroy her in a way that she would die while regretting everything?
Ignored.
Betrayed.
Left behind.
Subaru felt all of this ever since he came to this world.
HE DID NOT REACH AN ANSWER.
ANY ANSWER WOULD BE SUFFERING AND YET…
STAYING CONFLICTING WOULD LEAD HIM TO AN EVEN GREATER DARKNESS…
That's why…
There was a little child who stood still in nothingness.
Always alone.
His lips gave no expression.
And his eyes… those open eyes.
All that suffering.
Questioning.
Rage.
Denial.
Acceptance.
Pain.
Compressed into one thing…
Determination.
The child opened his palm.
A light appeared…
Determination was Determination… it did not need a reason at this point. Excuses were pointless. Natsuki Subaru was unable to give up.
That light that appeared when he was about to start anew was his determination.
There was no voice that he dreamed of existing. No hallucination of people. Nothing. Not anymore.
No silver bells. No colorful child. No love. No shadow.
The light no longer needed excuses to appear.
The Determination was all there is… Subaru connected to the land of the living because he had to finish what he started.
That was all. Everyone in there was unable to give a reason anymore.
With nothing appearing to call out to him.
With every excuse destroyed.
Subaru determines that it is time.
—To start over.
His vision got clear quickly.
The sharp look in his eye was giving off a presence that would stop anyone from coming close. It was a look that promised destruction and a slow end.
His hand twitched. Confirming his life.
It was as if this burning feeling inside of him increased sensitivity to a new level. He could feel that his blood was flowing… flowing faster and faster for what was to come.
The observer of all of that did not know what to do.
She was the one who knew most.
She was the one who understood most.
Yet. One thing did not change… if he didn't tell her what to do… if he didn't tell her anything.
Then she cannot keep up with him. It was impossible.
Natsuki Subaru was faster than shooting stars. That's why it was pointless to follow an afterimage.
But even so…
The boy who was looking at something could not be seen and slowly opened his arm… giving her the courage to proceed with what she was going to do if not interrupted by the sudden change of feeling.
The sudden change of feeling she knew very well…
That's why she hugged Subaru even more tightly… that tightness got warmer and warmer each loop… even though the feeling of cold was impossibly superior.
It was about time.
"Louise… Do not interfere."
"..."
"Do not stop me."
"..."
"I will do what I need to do."
"..."
The feeling exuded was different and change was apparent.
Even so…
"UUAuu!"
And then he got up. He was fast… even though he had just done this once.
Taking the specific vials that he already tested on himself.
Then he started pouring them on the ground…
And then… Subaru put his feet on the puddle of dangerous oils.
Clank!
A steel needle appeared to pierce his foot but he already knew that would happen…
Not to mention… by putting only part of his foot… he could make it so that the steel that would automatically pierce him because of his 'hostile' actions would be thinner.
This time the size was even more perfect than before.
And by putting all those magical oils… the activated magic absorbed some of it and since the needle was thin… Subaru could make Louise chop it with her hands.
This was Subaru's answer. He needed to make her feel it… but he had no knowledge about how to apply those oils into that metal stick. Not to mention his gate was broken.
So he used this exploit.
While he was triggering with these oils… Subaru was pierced by the spike because of his hostility and attempt to manipulate the place.
At that moment he realized the vials he carelessly dropped to the ground applied into the magic of the room and when a spike came out of that exact location… it absorbed the contents. He died with that same pain of burning from oil.
Now it was time.
Time to hunt a rabbit.
"Louise… it might get ugly… It will get ugly. So you might wanna look away."
…
No response or reaction.
But this was a ridiculous worry anyway.
The Louise he had with him was also the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony.
This gave him a weird comfort. The fact that she would not react badly… he was sure of it thanks to his recent loop.
But even so… Subaru said that to Louise once again. The rabbit woman probably heard that… but he knew she probably thought he was talking about his own demise… not hers.
Subaru climbed to a metal shelf that's just beside the door that woman would enter soon.
But why was Subaru so confident? Not just in this loop but how did he think this would work?
Because he knew there are always exploits to be used in inherent abilities.
Her ears could probably have some overpowered ability in them… so Subaru always assumed she heard everything they did.
But how could she know if he is closer than she expected? She can't because it's all the same to her. Her hearing was too perfect and it's all heard at similar levels… so that was it.
If the distance changed is too short… then she couldn't know his exact location.
That's why.
CRACK!
And with him thrusting the needle in front of him. He made sure to bend the very steel itself so she would not escape… he shouldn't be able to do that… but he did nonetheless.
…
"Here it is… I think you regret what you did back then? Oh wait… you can't." The ridicule. The self-centered monologue that sounds like it's coming from a villain.
All of that was made while that woman was gushing several types of body fluid.
Subaru got down… and looked at what he just did.
Yes. That thing he felt at his last moments wasn't his own imagination or a fleeting conclusion.
Subaru looked at her. And felt no pity, no remorse, nothing. Nothing but the feeling of destroying someone in his way.
Right where he was looking… there was the sight of that woman.
Needle reached from that shelf Subaru hid himself to the wall and pierced it. And between those walls and bended steel was a woman's ears… The organ that gave her impossibly sensitive sensory abilities now exploited so she would not be able to move from pain.
All the tears were gone from her eyes. Only blood was out.
From her mouth, an impossible amount of saliva was coming out. Seemingly making a waterfall of some sort.
It seemed that she opened her jaw so quickly that it broke, she doesn't seem to be able to close it. If she could, maybe she would bite her own tongue.
Screams. Screams.
None stop screams and yet…
Subaru felt nothing.
All those 'morals' that chained him to respond to his torturers. His own mentality of putting everyone above himself.
All of that… and even more… now. It was no more.
This definitely can be called nothing but:
Release.
Rabbit skewer baby!
Was grammar improved? What about the new dark tone? Don't worry Subaru isn't becoming evil OC. It's just Rabbit gone too far and it was a snapping point for him. (Next chapter is darker)
I really want reviews. Gimme them. I don't care what type it is. And I wonder starmegalobitch is still here or stardickhead. If I recall right they always visit me in other people's review sections but never came to mine.
It's a comeback! And it will be a grand one!
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