It was planned to be 2.5k to 3k why do I keep the word counts so high?! NOOOOOOO.
But anyway. Star IF IS BACK I said and I meant that we are having at least one chapter per week. I also have a smut fic in my mind that everyone is going to love and it's not controversial... really.
Thanks to my favorite Chechen Abe, Odyssey, and Tyr(Aka the guy who wrote Fabled Odyssey) for reading it before I publish it. Their comments were a great help.
No dropping this fic btw. Everyone is free to bug me when a chapter is not coming for a long while.
And if you like Re: zero discussions and fanfic talk. Here is my discord : YxtzwbzVQh
—There would be no going back from this.
That's what Natsuki Subaru thought after having no sympathetic feelings for the sight in front of him.
But even so.
"I have no regrets." With that he opened his arms wide… the room was magical indeed and Subaru lacked a gate.
But this woman showed that she could command the room without using her gate.
That's why Subaru had reasons to try to gain its control and then… finish her.
"HHHHGGGGGGGGG!" He groaned loudly…he kept his arms wide and palms open, it was almost as if he was trying to control something invisible.
No… he was getting connected.
With Cor Leonis… he was getting connected.
And when he did… It was about domination over this magic. He was ruling this place. Rewriting the magical intent this place had.
That could not be achieved with Cor Leonis…
"Uhuuu…" Louise had a bad feeling about this.
But nonetheless.
He dropped to his knees and…
CRACK!
A stick made out of steel appeared, shattering the ground. Similar to the needle that targeted Subaru and was used by him to impale the rabbit's ears.
But this time. It wasn't targeting him, it was…
Coming to his hand.
With a ferocious intent to finish this, Subaru ripped the steel from the floor. It came out easily… magic did not resist him. At that moment, nothing did.
He closed his eyes for a moment. Instead of ignoring and facing away from reality, Subaru let himself feel the anguish and suffering he caused.
After savoring the moment, with its satisfaction, ugliness, and everything it brought.
It was time to finish this.
With the metal in his hand, he slowly got close to his victim after getting up. Rising his newly made 'weapon' he brought it down where he aimed perfectly.
It wasn't the rabbit woman's head or any part of her body, but rather… the steel her ear's stuck to.
By hitting that steel with the rod he just made … Subaru created strong vibrations.
And those vibrations traveled towards those already damaged and very sensitive ears… from there it reached the brain without protection the ears normally had in their perfect state.
It was instant.
Vibrations reached her brain, she felt the excruciating pain.
And she died.
"Now… no matter how ugly it is…"
He needs to take care of the ones inside too—but that could be done with Louise if it's necessary.
Actually, the only reason he killed that rabbit himself was to satiate his need for revenge.
"For now… I want to rest"
Subaru was tired after everything… his body was in an unexplainable condition. He was conscious or even alive by pure willpower.
Perhaps anger was fueling his will to live.
"I need to heal my insides. I need to heal the bones that I am somewhat keeping intact. Not to mention, while I have a crazy amount of that nasty energy inside of me… Miasma is different, it requires mana."
Subaru, while using some of the mana with his actions, wasn't enough to save him from the doom that was nearing him. His gate was broken and that truth did not change.
Also, he learned how to consciously use miasma to some extent… but to begin with, miasma required mana to exist; it was a mix of mana and the dark energy inside of him. But he couldn't generate more at will since that would also require a gate.
Witch Scent did not require mana. Hence Subaru had no limit on how much he could have that's what he thinks right now.
Sand Dunes being covered in miasma showed Satella's mana capacity. But Witch Beasts were staying there without agitation… so she had a limit on the scent she produced. If she did produce as much as she had done with miasma then Witch Beast shouldn't be able to sense Subaru's scent when there is a Witch of Envy…
And yet, they did.
All of these thoughts and new knowledge gained from it were precious but even so…
"No matter how hard I think… I can't seem to find a way to fix myself or the situation."
"UUauaU!"
"No… Even if that's true. I can't rely on you if I can't stay conscious in those Leap's…"
Another problem. Because he is weak, problems do not stop appearing and he is left with very few choices.
Weakness is truly limiting.
'And I will die because of it'
Harsh truth.
No matter how much he hates the circumstances and choices that destroyed his gate… it would not change the reality he was faced with right now.
He was going to die.
He was going to die.
Cold reality.
Deaths will pile up.
How many times?
That one time he had condensed hundreds of deaths quickly was a moment of madness and it had very specific circumstances.
But if Subaru does accept this as a natural occurrence then deaths will increase impossibly.
Not that he would lose.
But consuming both your existence and experience of the world over and over again…
"If I keep doing that… Will there be a time…" It was purely theoretical but…
This inability to give up. Determination to see the end and trying to make that end satisfactory.
That was what this journey was about.
And it was how it would end.
But… If Subaru were to be disconnected from everything to a serious degree… he might just see no worth in doing it over.
Giving up was impossible. But it might come to a point that it won't be worth it anymore.
…
"No…."
"I won't allow that…"
"Gone too far to lose meaning."
He has never been angrier.
Subaru did his best and would beat obstacles…
And yet… he was human. He would stay as one. No matter what.
He can't give up, that was the reality of Natsuki Subaru. But there might come a day that 'QUIT' might become an option instead of giving up. If there is nothing left for Subaru even when he saved everyone he might just let it go.
Death was sacred. Salvation. If there is no reason to continue then he might as well let go.
Death was his. And that's why death is the only thing he can be purely selfish.
Natsuki Subaru thought of everyone he loved before himself. But if it's about death… he will be selfish. All of this can end right here… Death was what he sought in the end. It was his right. So even if they will live in a world without him…
—NO.
Not yet.
"No! I refuse!"
"Uguha?"
With his rejection, his attempts of breaking through his chains started.
His body spasmed. Shaking horribly. He was just a kid. Yet, his eyes had nothing but hate. Self-hate. He exuded the feeling of someone much older… much older than Natsuki Subaru should be even before becoming a child.
Pure unadulterated rage.
He rejects hundreds of deaths ahead.
And he rejects his old way of doing things.
He won't run away and show mercy.
He won't consume himself just to be free.
HE IS FREE.
He was forcing his gate to do something. Anything would do, he had enough of being suffocated in weakness because of this stupid organ.
His connection with the workshop remained. And his rage was showing in the room… the place was trembling and walls of steel were getting crushed. Subaru's frenzy was affecting all of this place.
That wouldn't do.
Louise knew the other inhabitants wouldn't hear them. But the whole place was shaking as if a ferocious earthquake was happening.
With that, she knew what she had to do. She could not stop Subaru, even if he was killing himself. He was too angry and blind to be stopped. But if she can't stop him then…
She can at least allow him to be safe while he was in this vulnerable state.
With that, she vanished.
Of course, Subaru did not react to that. He had his own… situation going for him.
"Cough… why..why… this damn thing."
That part of himself where the gate resided was agonizing… trying to stop Subaru. But he wouldn't lose consciousness no matter how much his body tried to shut him down. He would not stop, regardless of the pain.
Subaru's very being was pulsating… he felt as if his skin was burning. The waves of mana continuously exploded within Subaru. Using his own body as a tool instead of the gate.
He was expelling mana… and yet.
"AAAUGGHHHHHHHH!" It all comes to a stop with him vomiting dangerous amounts of blood and what he gains is nothing but agonizing pain.
He let himself fall into his pool of blood.
It was a failure. For a moment there was a light at the end of the tunnel… but he failed.
And he didn't know the exact reason for failure. He did not possess the knowledge required.
Anyone who had mana could use any tier spell they wanted. With a gate that is strong and instincts that outright cheat. Talented people knew how to use magic by birth. And anyone without talent would not be able to use it.
Call it ridiculous, but Subaru despised the fact that you needed something like a gate to be able to use magic. Subaru wasn't born in this world or magic was anything more than 'fantasy' to him in the past. But even so, in his pride, Subaru found it ridiculous how magic worked in this world. A shut-in from the other world judging the system of nature… arrogance.
Subaru called out several times because of his recklessness. He has been told that he had no talent for magic.
The truth was Subaru hated himself for failing his first attempt at magic. Not because he thought he would be able to achieve success on his first try, no. It was because he was in the care of a great spirit and still managed to damage himself. It all went down from there. With each attempt at trying to grasp magic to save his life, Subaru was further going down a path where his ability to do magic would be gone. He was scolded, blamed, and rejected in every attempt.
Was it his fault? Being so weak that he needed to use magic every time except in that duel?
There had to be something… otherwise why Emilia and Felix did not understand? Was it because they were talented beyond comprehension that they didn't understand he did what he did to stay alive?
Emilia wouldn't DIE, after all, she was so powerful and PUCK was protecting her, confident in her abilities and strength… she would call Subaru weak without meaning anything bad. But she would call him weak nonetheless.
Felix wouldn't die. He saw his body fucked up from the blast and he regenerated like nothing. And the truth that Subaru knew… Felix saw Subaru as the weakest being that ever existed. He truly thought that. Not to mention, at the beginning Felix saw no consequences when it came to messing with him. Violating his body from inside.
Some truth in that statement. Who in the world harmed in any way when they did something bad to Natsuki Subaru if they are not the ones he is targeting? No one? No one at all. Perhaps everyone was stepping on him all this time and he just didn't make a sound.
Why was Subaru blamed for trying to save his life? Are they telling him to die and do without magic next time?
Subaru's ragged breaths become frenzied with rage. He growled hoarsely in his own blood making bubbles come out, splashing over his face and hair, further staining himself with blood. His eyes were shining with tears of defeat. Unable to understand why he was not understood? But his rage was still unfocused… because Natsuki Subaru knew if he focused that rage it would go to pretty much everyone beside him regardless of how important they are to him. Nothing would remain untargeted.
Why was he not understood? If he could just say 'It's because I can't tell Return by Death' then he would and this would be over.
But Subaru was cursed with awareness. He couldn't lie to himself. If he could, he wouldn't hate himself this much.
He was aware of himself.
And he was aware of what he had chosen for himself. About who he was.
'I am someone who cannot give up.'
He could not do that. All self-preservation inside of him was gone. If he ever had that, to begin with.
That is why.
Subaru started to get up. Put his palms onto the pool of blood and started pushing himself.
And he was on his knees. He had done it. He was no longer defeated.
His shorts were from his old outfit, which he ripped off so he could wear them in his new size. It was getting drenched with blood, redness was spreading further and further. Another thing he needed to take care of. Subaru noted the animalistic nature of demi-humans. That is why it wasn't so far-fetched that someone with a good nose could bring his end. He doubted they would miss the scent of blood.
Now…
What to do?
What to do? What to do? What to do?
What to do?
When Subaru asked this question to himself so many times alone in the past… his questioning and search for an answer was cut short by his friend. With his conclusion of "You are at the end of your wits", Subaru would never know what would happen if he was alone.
But again. He can't help but wonder.
Was that impossible? Reaching for an answer by himself.
Subaru of that time thought it was a dead end without Otto.
That was wrong. There was no 'dead end' with Return by Death. But he accepted that just because someone else said it.
Subaru forgot that his reality and their reality were different.
That's why… If there is no way. Then it's time to wonder.
How can I make a way?
How can I make a way?
… No answer.
Nothing appears in his mind.
But he would not give up.
"Something… something."
'There must be something I can use… that I have.'
'I cannot depend on Louise only.'
With these thoughts. He closed his eyes.
Let his mind wander around all that suffering, calm, joy, and sadness.
With his mind searching for SOMETHING he can use… his consciousness did as well.
Something Natsuki Subaru had. Maybe it's a knowledge he had from his old world?
Maybe it was something he gained from suffering?
Perhaps… Perhaps it was something he didn't know yet.
Let the past be. Turn it into nothing but information.
Emotions did not matter. Memories are nothing but accumulated experiences for him to use.
He had to accept that. No longer he could look back and get power from his happy moments… that Natsuki Subaru was dead.
He was letting his journey flow inside of himself. Nothing is rejected.
For now, he would accept all of it. For no reason other than that was what he needed to do.
All that pain and suffering.
Yes, indeed.
Natsuki Subaru could see that he never tried to change anything… control anything… question anything.
Of course. Of course.
There were many ways.
His mind is cleared.
AND THAT IS WHY…
There was light at the end of the tunnel.
"Quite literally. Though it is more than one light. That's for sure." Subaru stated. No emotions rose from inside when he looked at the scenery.
"Uuuuuaaaa" Louise however, wasn't an unfeeling log. Even with all those memories. There was no way to not marvel at the striking light with majestic colors. Experiencing and having memories of it…
—It's not the same.
Those lovely blue eyes reflected the very pure image of nature. She could feel the flow of mana changing into a calm river and circulation in the air being perfect.
It was all thanks to orbs of various colors in the air. It was all perfectly balanced and showed how magnificent and great nature was. The feeling in the air… made you understand something sacred was about to happen.
Perhaps she would never be part of it. She was unnatural. Ever since she opened her eyes. She was nothing but a mistake… How was that fair?
But… everything that happened so far brought her here… so maybe it was fine.
As if it wasn't enough that she was a mistake to both Life and Death… and then she appeared.
Words of understanding. Acknowledgment. She did not lie.
She most definitely understood her suffering to the fullest. But what Louise chose at that moment was that they brought her to this moment with Natsuki Subaru.
That person…
With memories of the past surging to her mind… Louise was lost in thought.
She recalled the past.
A white space… nothing but white.
A place where souls are recycled. A place where both life and death were in harmony.
And yet… if that is true. Why THEY were like this?… Without a body, without a self.
A mistake. That's what THEY were.
There were times mistakes would happen and people would come… then lose their sense of self in this place and mistakes would no longer be mistakes. They would die. As they should be.
And yet, THEY never lost themselves.
THEY didn't have a name or body… THEY shouldn't have any sense of sense and yet…
THEY didn't lose themself.
It was only THEY. Everyone else found salvation.
Then… why this person… hasn't lost herself?
"Greetings…"
"!?"
"Oh… to think it's that bad."
The woman in front of her was an enigma. First, she waited and looked at her for a long…long time. And yet, she showed no sign of losing to this white place.
Second, she was naked. No matter how a person got close to death and mistakenly got into this place… their soul would show themselves in the best condition and clothes they see themselves with.
There was no problem with her condition… but… she was naked. Another anomaly.
And now…perhaps she could SEE THEM.
But just after THEY had such thoughts… woman made a pained expression.
"I sincerely apologize. I didn't mean to give you false hope… that would be totally, absolutely, opposite of who I am. Even if it hurts me to say this… it is true. I cannot see you."
But the woman continued with a slightly more bright expression.
"But, it's also true that even though I can't see you in any physical form or shape… I do see the eyes of your soul that are so bright with curiosity"
The woman waited for a while… looking at the tragic entity who suffered because of the world itself.
She truly felt for the entity… it made her heart pound faster and faster. She brought her hand to her chest and then brought it down sensually until it stopped on her cleavage.
Such suffering… IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
And yet, it did.
"Curiosity of that intensity… I only saw something similar to that in the very unnatural eyes of a wicked woman. She bullied me for quite a while when I tried to get close to her… since I thought we are quite similar… but I was wrong."
She continued after shrugging herself off from her past. What mattered wasn't her but the person she was talking to.
"Of course, I don't mean you are like her. I just… want to tell you that I do understand."
I understand you. Such a simple sentence and yet… It made THEY chaotic.
"You were here for so long… weren't you? Nothing but white… for so long. Such suffering… There is no need to undermine it. There is something called 'White Torture' but your suffering is even greater than that… with no sense of distance, you kept gazing at nothing but the abyss. It is natural you look at me with those eyes."
The woman's breath got quicker. Her beautiful chest was going up and down sensually.
"I understand you. Only I. No one else. Not just because you are alone here but even if you happen to go outside now, no one would understand. But I do. That is why I know for sure, that the concept this darkness will bring to you will not be your salvation."
It was such a rarity for her to be this vulnerable… and yet. She continued.
"I know this. I lived this. Colorlessness. Never-ending colorlessness. Different in a way but it's mostly the same!"
"That is why… I know what will bring you salvation. You were searching for all this time after all. I will definitely… achieve that for you. To release you."
"You are no mistake. The one who's mistaken is the world and this CORRIDOR OF MEMORIES. But even that is no longer the case. From now on… you are perceived by the world… and that will bring your salvation too!"
…
" "Why?" You ask. That is because…"
—I said so.
With that… The entity who now perhaps-exist… overflows with emotions.
If they had a mouth. They would show gratitude.
If they had a mouth. They would ask them to never leave.
If they had a mouth. They would show their love for her.
IF ONLY THEY HAD A MOUTH… SO MUCH WOULD BE POSSIBLE.
This love between kindred souls was loving indeed… but right after this… THEY, who would become Louise in the future would have an incomprehensible wish… and it would bring an end to their love.
"LOUISE!" A loud cracking voice was a wake-up call for her.
"AUAUGUHAU?!" So much so that she lost her balance from the shock alone. Causing her to fall on her bum and following with a cute 'EEP!'
"Well, well… that was out of character. But you worked hard it seems. No, probably it was easy… either way. Here" With her roundabout way… or perhaps tsundere way of praising her. He offered his hand so she could get up.
But not without letting out a snicker about how her hair got into her mouth.
She heard that.
"Ouch… OUCH OUCH! St… Stop! OK! You win!… Don't forget your tooth is super pointy and sharp. It felt the same when Frederica bit me… and you are still a child! Imagining how much room for growth you have scares me!" Subaru said without minding his rudeness about Louis's physical characteristics. That would be the same reason why Frederica bit him in the past.
Though it was about her height instead of her teeth.
"Stop showing me your teeth for now because it's the time of struggle and suffering. It's business time!" Subaru says something very dark as if it's Tuesday. Absurdity aside… This was truly Tuesday for Subaru.
Louise groans grumpily. She took care of the people inside before they snapped out of surprise and it was a correct decision made by her alone without Subaru. And yet she wasn't praised at all.
'How dense.' Summarises her long thoughts about how dumb Subaru is for not praising her.
Though thinking about how fortunate she was to be accepted by him this quickly. She couldn't truly get angry at him. It was impossible.
And then… the air got tense.
"Louise. Did you finish them?"
She shook her head left and right. The answer looked negative.
"So they sleep huh? Very well done." With that Subaru averted his eyes from Louise and finally acknowledged the expectant visitors.
Light bulbs of different sizes. Of course, they didn't have a complicated physical form. Subaru knew that was the last level for spirits. At least he knew that much…
"Now what to do…" Subaru didn't understand the mystery behind his spirit arts, like why didn't they appear until he consciously tried very hard. Subaru also felt a similar REJECTION of his communication with spirits.
Similar to his rejection of gaining Authorities even though he accepts the Witch Factors.
Though this rejection of his talent with spirits seemed more deep-rooted than Authorities. And unlike Authorities which he despised because of their ugliness and people using them… he couldn't understand the reason for this rejection.
Spirits were excited. He could feel it. All of them. He received all the emotions and general thoughts from them.
Subaru himself did not know this kind of feedback was unnatural. While communicating with spirits one needs to make sure others are silent while the person talks to them one by one.
"Yet. Limitations remain" He said loudly. Not even minding the fact that in this sacred communication one should not talk loudly… and yet… spirits did not care.
Various characteristics. Prideful ones, submissive ones. Evil-natured spirits… and yet they did not react to the rudeness or very apparent insults.
To begin with, This person wasn't hiding his feelings of belittlement and how inferior they were to… to… BEATRICE.
A name none of them would forget.
Nonetheless. A contract was to be made. He had one already. Yet there was quite a large space remaining in this person. There would be the ones left behind and yet none of the spirits could accept that result. It would be with war and death, but they would get their place. No matter what.
Not even a single minute spirit left. Even considering there were Quasi-spirits.
Not even a single Quasi-spirit left. Even though there were fully grown ones here.
Not even a single one of them left.
So, perhaps a demonstration would be sufficient to start his process of decision.
His element was yin and he had immense frequency with it. His mana was powerful but lacked quantity. His gate was broken. His Od was damaged in various ways. He was dark, very dark. The miasma was poisonous to them and yet they did not harm. Another impossibility.
Spirits kept learning about Subaru more and more. Inspecting him without triggering something unwanted.
To make a contract. To make a promise. To be bound to him. Never leaving. Foreve—-
"Heal."
— Thoughts slowly faded.
Questioning. Why? Might've happened and yet.
"Heal"
The contract between spirit and its vessel was sacred. The process was yet to be completed. He wasn't blessed with any protection that is why they could not hea—
"Heal"
With orders continuing without stopping. Minute spirits already gave in. Trying to heal someone they shouldn't be able to. Only the ones with required Divine Protection could be—
"Heal"
Life was sacred. And water spirits already filled his body with as much as life energy in water mana. More of it could not be handled by his body.
"Heal"
The rare light energy started to flow inside of him. Not naturally as one with affinity. And yet spirits did not give up. That wasn't an option. His physical body was enhanced. So that he could handle more water mana and every other mana forced inside of him… Forced by no one but himself.
"Heal"
Yin spirits added more and more of their energy and also allowed all that mana to circulate in every part of his body. Empowering and physically making it stronger. They also made his mind-body connection sensitive by making it… more connected. And yet… he did not wish to stop.
Subaru could've just let them suck all the mana. And it will be over. His curse of dying by blowing up from inside would be over. And yet. Mana meant better bodily functions. One of the reasons he could do all of those physical feats was all that mana inside of him.
Not enough.
Spirits did all they could by obeying his intentions. But that wasn't good enough.
Subaru pointed at Louise… and then the table that was filled with various tools and magical devices.
He made a sweeping motion and at that moment Louise made it perfectly empty by lifting the table and allowing everything on it to drop.
He lay on that metal table after making sure there wasn't a single cloth on him. His scars were showing on his naked body and he could feel the cold steel on his back.
Spirits did what they could do with minimum instructions from him. And while they were doing it… Subaru learned quite a lot.
As an example… he realized spirits were unable to visualize the body properly… even though they knew all the organs. They could not heal as well as the skin outside. But to begin with… Subaru's main problem was internal damage.
Subaru tried to make them go inside and heal it from there. They failed.
So… there was no way but direct contact… making water mana to contact directly. And utilizing every other spirit in better ways too.
IT was a heresy. What we did. And yet he didn't have enough?
This is a crime against nature.
They can't do this.
No way.
No.
Didn't he have enough pain after all of this?!
Impossible.
Healing… healing isn't for this.
Who is he?
How much affinity does he have?
Can't see. Bottomless.
How does he keep his right to make contact after all of this?
I can feel it. Even by just all of this… I am growing.
Yes. Yes. Unnatural. Already evolved.
He hates our vague sense of self.
He seeks individuality.
He hates us.
His darkness has no depth.
He will suffer.
He has no fear of death.
—
—
—
—
Proceed.
And they did nothing but that.
This was Natsuki Subaru's talent.
He was a being with the utmost sense of self.
And if they strive for that… they would be chained.
In the end. Spirits had too much freedom. And now they were truly connected to the world in those moments he ruled over them.
A distant voice… "Subaru. You should keep your promises. Now you are a spirit user, it is very important to you."
And he gave it an answer from his mind. It was a dark twisted voice from the depths of his void. He felt nothing but delight by remembering those words of advice. There was a great irony.
So, he gave a similar answer to his past answer. With a different meaning.
"Yes. I agree."
Natsuki Subaru kept his promise.
He did not leave Beatrice.
Pls Follow/Favorite and review if you liked! Sometimes it feels like FF net doesn't like me.
See Emilia? He kept his promise... by breaking all rules of spiritualists.
Well... Thanks to everyone who supported me in reviews, especially that one guest review(pal pls make an account. You seem like a cool guy so it would be good if you did.)
One very cool reader talked about Undertale influence which is true but it's always in low dose and truthfully... the 'light' in the last chapter isn't coming from there. Where does it is come from... it's actually canon that Subaru imagines people taking him out of the shadow garden. You might ask "it wasn't imagination Emilia was truly close to Subaru in arc 3 shadow garden" well that's true but then I saw shadow garden Emilia in Prophecy of Throne and she wasn't close.
So yeah. She is just not real. It's Subaru imagining people ripping him out of the garden. Light taking shape is a metaphor for Subaru imagining people to give himself a reason so he can get out but in truth, it's his own determination and wanting to go back that able's him to Return By Death. So in the last chapter, Subaru acknowledged that and Return By Death realized it was unnecessary to give Subaru excuses.
Other than that... review as much as you want and I wait for AO3 people to comment like crazy. I was so used to getting 100 comments at least per update and I wanna go back to that (Where are you Nexuomi?)
Wait for more because it's coming. No more stopping Star IF anymore.