Snippet 80
Plenty of Ways to Die – Bullshit BBQ
Genre: Humor/Tragedy/Horror
Pairs: Cardinal Sin (Cardin/Velvet)
Parody: RWBY/1000 Ways to Die (#348 – My Big Fat Greek Death)
AU-Type: Greek Empire AU
Tags: No Aura, Tragic Death, Narrator Voice: Port, Italicized Text is the Narrator, Cardin and Velvet are royalty, No Faunus in this universe (Everyone's Human), Sadist!Cardin, Sadist!Velvet, Based on an Actual Historical Event, Woobie!Tyrian
Note: Each of these are in its own universe unless stated they carry over
Location: Athens, Mistral
Date: 560 B.C.
Settle in as we travel back to a simpler time, before guns made every dumbass a "fighter". This is a tale of a king, queen, and a peasant.
In a grand garden, there was a bit of a party being held. Men and women in togas sat about having goblets of wine and enjoying the music being played. Outside of that garden, a mere peasant in a hood watched from afar.
The year is 560 B.C. and Cardin ruled the Mistral Empire alongside Velvet, his beloved queen. The peasant in the hood was a mere bronzeworker who went by Tyrian.
Tyrian was no longer in his hood and was at home pounding away at some metal. It cut back to Cardin being lovingly feed white grapes by his queen.
This king had it made at the time. A rising empire and a beautiful queen to laud as a trophy. And Tyrian wanted some of the good life.
Cut back to Tyrian pacing on a mountaintop spouting prayers for help in Mistrali with maddening furor.
He prayed to the goddess of death in hopes of inspiration and Salem answered.
A halo of darkness fell upon him as he started to laugh maniacally, and he ran down the mountain to his home. He got to work making a tiny bronze bull and his idea had fully developed. As for Cardin and Velvet, they were subjecting a captured prisoner to unspeakable torture despite the prisoner's pleas for mercy.
Those two were always seeking out newer and crueler methods of torture on their enemies and Tyrian would present them a solution in a form of a bronze bull.
Tyrian was furiously working on his invention working night and day with little to no rest in excitement for being well-rewarded. The piece de resistance was the tiny rods to go into the nose to form the whistle.
With this invention, an enemy could be put inside and cooked with their juices coming out as steam out of it's nose like whistle for a teakettle. The day would come where he unveiled it to the king and queen in that same garden.
Tyrian was giddy as he received cheers for his work, and he was confident that the good life was him. He was already having fantasies of what to do with his new wealth. He always wanted to have a harem of blonde slavegirls (who all looked like Salem's human form) to use and abuse.
However, it was recorded in history that Cardin was quite unpredictable. He wanted to give it a test run and he didn't look too far for a victim.
"Guards, seize him!" Cardin said as Sky and Russel grabbed Tyrian shoving him inside the bull despite protest.
Russel slapped it shut as Tyrian pleaded for mercy. That was meet with Velvet lighting the fire under it causing steam to build within the bull. Tyrian pounded and hollered in vain, but the heat of his own prison choked him.
Now the bull was designed to roast a man alive as it toiled up to 200 degrees, the water that made up his body began to boil. The air was so hot that it melted his lungs, his skin peeled off, and his eyes went pop like a balloon.
As the steam came to a head, the bull's nose began to whistle leading to everyone clapping for the success of this new weapon.
Well Tyrian wanted was a piece of a good life but was screwed over simply on a whim. Oh, he survived the bull, but Velvet simply had him tossed off a cliff. This is why you don't pray to the goddess of death…
(A/N: Poor Tyrian. No aftermath for this one either as it was also self-contained. Yeah, this one was based on a real event. 1000 Ways to Die had changed the ending to him dying inside the bull, but I went for the real historical ending. Pretty messed up, isn't it? Happy 80th!)