Snippet 91

The RWBY Hungry Games

Genre: Humor

Pairs: Not important

Parody: RWBY/Robot Chicken (Not So Smurfy)

AU-Type: Elseworlds AU

Tags: Ozpin runs a faunus village, He's too Old Fashion to do it properly, Salem takes advantage, Dark Humor, Raven's a lot more cowardly

In a humble village hidden deep within a forest lay a village named Peyo. There lay a cluster of faunus living away from the cruelty of humans and lived the simple life led by fox faunus named Ozpin. They practically survived the life-giving supercrop that were aura berries. So, it was just another day as Whitley and some other children were poking a few worms in a big bowl with a stick.

"Excuse me, Whitley…I…" Sapphron said coming up before paling at what was in the bucket. "Oh, oh no! THOSE ARE FUCKING GYPSY MOTHS! You've killed us all."

Not even three days past before the worms had eaten all of the precious aura berries leaving them without a food source. One would think they could eat the worms, but after Terra tried it and got shits so bad that the smell repelled rodents and roaches.

"Gypsy moth caterpillars have covered every tree and bush, stripping them of their fruits and leaves. We've lost all our auraberries within a 50-mile radius. Sapphron, how could this happen?" Ozpin bellowed.

"Maybe it's because some dumbass decided in that moving away from modern society, we'll have no access to modern pesticides while you made the BRILLIANT choice to subsist on a single crop. Yeah, we're all gonna starve." Sapphron said flustered.

"I miss cheeseburgers." Jaune whined as everyone's stomach growled at the mention.

"Oh Jaune, I'm going to miss you most of all." A familiar sarcastic voice that rose out of the shadows.

All in black with platinum blonde hair and bland blue eyes was Salem, the witch of the forest. To the villagers, she was a mean human who used her magic to torment them and Ozpin was the only one who could stand up to her might. To Ozpin though, it was another story.

"But how did you find our village?!" Kali said panicked.

"It took five years, but, on Google Remnant, your village now stands out like a wart on a shaved ball bag. But good news, I have a whole greenhouse full of aura berry plants along with a shed that had a pantry full of various food to eat." Salem remarked with a smirk.

"And why would you grow aura berries?" Jaune densely asked.

Nora had to smack for that as Salem cleared her throat.

"I will give my life-giving food to the winner of my FAUNUS HUNGER GAMES!" Salem said cheerfully.

"No faunus would ever kill another for food!" Adam declared for Salem to pull a granola bar out from her cleavage.

She threw into the ground in front of them as their bellies grumbled as they all stared at the chewy goodness hungrily. Adam wanted to remain strong in his belief that they could endure and survive without the aid of that magical witch. They were better than that! Of course, Ozpin proved that was not the case when he agreed, and they were all talking about who'd volunteer to risk their lives for the games.

"Ok, we're doing this, and we'll need 11 brav…JAUNE!" Ozpin yelled as everyone saw that Jaune had picked up the candy bar.

He was savoring it only to see his fellow faunus glare at him.

"10. We need ten more because Jaune was volunteered!" Ozpin said excitedly.

"I volunteer." Adam said flatly.

He was really in just to kill Jaune. As humiliating was taking part in this farce was, Jaune eating the bar was just insult to injury. Whitley ended up forced into it being he was the one who brought the moths in the first place. His father was already betting on him to die, Winter had little hope that he'd win, his mother got hammered once again, but Weiss was rooting for him. Not before long, they have their unlucky eleven. Jaune, Adam, Yang, Neptune, Whitley, Gretchen, Cardin, Ilia, the old Shopkeeper, and Cinder.

"Ok, we have all our champions. There's also the fact Salem will be recording this." Ozpin said.

"Probably, so she could rub one out!" Raven said.

Salem, who was leaning on the wall of one of their houses smirked and said, "Oh, maliciously."

-The Day of the Competition-

The pile of weapons was in the middle of a massive field as the eleven were all in a circle ready to pounce on it.

"Let the slaughter commence!" Salem said firing a starting gun as the faunus charged for a weapon.

It grew a free for all with various spears and weapons flying through the air. Gretchen rustled out of the sack, a wrapped present.

"This looks…" Gretchen said before it exploded sending her guts flying.

Cinder poked out of the bag laughing at Gretchen's expense only for an arrow to tear through her heart causing her to gag on her own blood.

"That's not funny." Cinder said before slumping over.

Not too far away, a terrified Jaune was wandering through the woods with a crossbow.

"Get your shit together, Jaune! If there ever was a time to prove your worthiness as an Arc, this is it. Don't go out like a bitch!" Jaune said, only to accidentally shoot himself in the crotch. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I SHOT MYSELF IN THE DICK! AAHHH! THAT IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF GOING OUT LIKE A BITCH! AOOOW!"

As Jaune was bleeding out, Whitley swiped a knife of a dead Shopkeeper before running off. Neptune had stand still with a crossbow on his left and a mirror up at his face admiring it. Adam was completely floored that he was not taking this seriously.

"Vain little…gack!" Adam said as Neptune shot an arrow through Adam's neck without looking back.

"Ah yes, I'm so rugged." Neptune said dreamily only to get his throat slashed by Whitley.

Whitley got out a steak out of the weapons and lined it with gunpowder and fire dust.

"I probably could have eaten that, but I'll be eating fat after I win!" Whitley said running off.

The steak was taken, but not by a faunus. Back at the village, a giant blue screen lit up in the sky announce deaths much to the shock of all the villagers.

"How the hell is she paying for all this?" Ozpin said only to see the symbols for Glitch Productions, ConcernedApe, and Wayforward. "Why the fuck would they sponsor this?"

An image of a pile of money flashed up on the screen and Ozpin rolled his eyes. Over at Salem's challenge, she was feverishly watching the slaughter.

"Definitely rubbing to this later." Salem said licking her lips.

Before she could could start, the meow of a cat interrupted her. Her cat, Miles, had limped in with an aching stomach.

"G-Give me some privacy! Do you know how long it's been since I've had ANY sexual gratification? I'm nearly 50 years old despite looking like a 30-year-old! My libido's insanely high, and the only man with a penis large about to please me is stuck watching that fucking village. He won't just admit we've been fucking and be open about it already!" Salem ranted before getting up. "Now get out!"

She punted the cat rapturing the insides of Miles causing him to explode killing them both and blowing up her cabin. With Salem dead, Ozpin puts a stop to the game right before Whitley could put an arrow between Yang's eyes. With Whitley being crowned the winner, the villagers were having a meal within the greenhouse.

"Papa Ozpin, we need to modernize! We should turn some of these aura berries into preserves to avoid a future shortage. Use some of what's left of Salem's place to improve our standard of living!" Whitley remarked urgently to Ozpin.

"Whitley, I'm not in the mood for your prattle. Let a man mourn his loss." Ozpin said weeping for the loss of Salem.

Whitley's eye twitched and he had enough before getting his crossbow.

"Yeah, fuck that. It's time for a new Papa!" Whitley said taking aim.

"Say wha, ack!" Ozpin said as the arrow meant for Yang went between his eyes.

Ozpin fell to the horror of the villagers as Whitley took up Ozpin's red cap and glasses.

"Who's your papa?!" Whitley said before putting out on Ozpin's coat. "WHO'S YOUR PAPA?!"

All the villagers kneeled in fear as Raven bitterly bemoaned her kneeling. Whitley had her throat with a knife at that while snarling. Qrow could hear and smell the growing puddle of piss surrounding Raven.

"I hate…pissing my skirt." Raven said terrified.

(A/N: This was weird, but really fun to write. I don't really have much more to say as by the time you read this, I've piled the updates on thick.)