Cold, wet, my clothes are clinging to me like a hot July day, except I'm cold! My insides feel like jello and my teeth are chattering. I feel my body shuddering, I can't breath, where am I? Think Hayley think! OK I was in the car driving to work, I was on the bridge, I looked down at my hand, holy crap! I married Jay two months ago today, my heart skips a beat, I love him so much, he makes me feel like I belong. I can tell he loves me from the look in his eyes, we have this thing, we literally communicate with our eyes, Vanessa called it 'eye fucking' and that was before we were even together. In away I think I knew a long time ago we had something, a bond. He was a mess when Erin left and then his dad passed and the case with Louis and then sleeping with Camila. Was I jealous? Hell, yah I was.! I couldn't tell him though. I couldn't get involved with another partner. After Garret, it broke me the only man I thought I loved. But with Jay, I feel differently. This love feels raw, like when I look at him a get flutters in my chest and stomach, I have to catch my breath and stop my self from having a silly smile on my face.
Warm, I can feel something warm on me, like a blanket, a warm hug, my niece loves frozen, "Hi I'm Olaf and I love warm hugs" Jay is like a warm hug, he doesn't even have to be near me just hearing his voice or seeing him across the room. Jay is my blanket, my safety blanket. I feel safe with him. My whole life I've never felt safe, the day I met Jay there was a click, I'll admit I was flirting with him so hard in the back of that van. Then we got partnered up and I put the brakes on. Only slowly, he chipped away at my heart.
Shivering, It's getting warmer why am I still shivering, why is it dark? I was in the car, check, going to work, check, looked down at my hand, check, heard sirens and looked up and bang! Oh crap! I'm falling, no, the cars falling, the waters getting closer, so cold it's freezing, literally, there's ice in the water. Teeth chattering, blood, my heads wrecking.
Jay, He's warm, Where's a Jay? I'm warmer it's still dark, maybe if I move my hands, I can open the car door. Nothings there, "Hayley!?" hey that's Jay! Turn on a light! I can't see you.
"cold!" that was me I spoke OK where am I? Its getting lighter, still cold but its a plus. We have light. Oh crap too bright, "OK calm down, your safe, Hayley can you look at me?" Will my favourite Halstead, shh don't tell Jay. I'm kidding Jay's my favourite. I love him so much, two months ago we got married and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Warm hands hold mine and my eyes open still to bright but "Hey Will, you OK?". A laugh, from Jay, my Jay, warm spreads through me. "Hayley, can you look at me? Follow my finger!" still so freaking cold, I shiver again, my whole-body shudders, and the heats envelopes me again. Thank God for that blanket, but Where's Jay? My Jay? My husband, we got married, we went out to dinner, and didn't make it through dessert. At home we got through the door, kissing, grabbing at clothes, heat pools in my stomach, Jay's always hit the right spots but since then it's like he found a new spot, one that makes me forget who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. Like right now, I'm cold and need Jay where is he. I open my eyes Will is there, Natalie is there. Where was I? I was looking at Natalie. She talking to me. Smiling, OK give me a minute, I'm starting to get my bearings. I'm in hospital, I'm freezing. "Hayley, I need to ask you, did you know your pregnant?"
"What? ME pregnant, NO don't be silly, I'm careful, we are careful, I can't be a mom. You need to find who's notes you have cause they are not mine."
"OK can I do a scan Hayley just to make sure? We need to know so we don't give you the wrong medication? Hayley please, it's important. She's gone again! Will I'm just going to do a scan, has Jay said anything to you?"
"No, just do it, we need to know what is going on."
"OK, so here we go, oh my gosh, look Will, I'd say around 7-8weeks, omg a wedding night baby. How precious! A strong heartbeat too and definitely only one. Will, your going to be an uncle." Natalie smiled as Hayley came back round.
"Where's Jay?" I feel more awake warmer, I had the strangest dream. "Hayley, did you hear me your definitely pregnant. I need you to be with me when I tell Jay. We need to know how to treat you."
"OK, I feel sick!"
"OK!"
I can here voices, Natalie's asking me to tell Jay, now she's gone. I need to stop a minute. Breath, OK "Jay"
"Hey you, OK? You had me worried, we are all worried."
"Jay, I need a hug!" with that she burst into tears.
Darkness again. I'm warm too warm, Jay's scent is all around me, he's my safe place, he's home. He senses I'm awake and pulls me closer.
"Talk to me Hayley, what's wrong?"
Looking round the room we're alone, "Jay, Natalie just told me, I didn't plan it I promise, I'm due my shot next week I don't understand how, I mean I know how, but we were careful."
"Hayley, breath!"
"I'm pregnant!"
"Look at me!" his voice is soft, his arms calm me, "we're OK! Just let's get you out of here and we will talk about this at home. Alone where I can kiss you like I actually want to kiss you, you carrying my baby is amazing news and I know you're scared and your head is all-over the place, but we are in this together you and me and whoever else comes along" he's half whispered in my ear, shudders run to my toes, and I look up at him. Home. I'm home with Jay and whoever else comes along.