Snippet 115
Disengaged Salem – Growing Family
Genre: Humor/WAFF
Pairs: Former Bitch and Bastard (Ozpin/Salem)
Parody: RWBY
AU-Type: Canon-esque AU
Tags: A timeline where Salem's a Chaotic Neutral, She's disengaged with the plot, Immortality leads to Hedonism, Watts accidentally saved the world, Emerald and Mercury both get alterations to their backstory
"Cinder, I'm home!" Salem said coming up with a bag of groceries. "Where's Watts?"
"He's out planning your financial gains by bankrolling and investments." Cinder said as she was doing push ups in the living room. "Who's that you brought with you?"
Cinder gestured to a dark-skinned mint-haired girl about her age who seemed to be rather nervous.
"This is Emerald. I found this one shivering under an old blanket trying to keep warm while it rained. So, I took her in…poor thing. Besides I figured you'd need a friend." Salem said trying to make herself sound like a saint.
"Mother, I know you're bullshitting. I see the look in your eyes." Cinder said ceasing her push ups to get up on her feet.
Salem insisted that was the only reason she took her in. In reality, she hoped that Cinder would be keen to take Emerald out to exercise often so she could finally get lazy on the couch. Salem had Cinder show Emerald the baths to clean up.
"You know, for a queen of the Grimm, she's…not really evil." Emerald said confused as Cinder and her walked down the hall. "Are you sure she's queen?"
"She is, but she just doesn't care. I have a sneaking thought she brought you here so she could get out of some of our exercise sessions. But, no matter, you seriously need a bath." Cinder said noting the smell.
"Being homeless doesn't grant you a warm bath." Emerald said under her breath.
"Well, that's about to change." Cinder remarked. "Welcome to the family, I guess."
Emerald found herself over time realizing she was in a good position. She had a roof over her head and all the food she could eat. She came to realize that despite being the Grimm Queen, Salem was more interested in playing video games or doing any geeky activity. Cinder was the exercise obessed foodie who tried to be a good sister figure, and then there was Watts being a distant uncle in a sense. Emerald wasn't complaining at all being more than happy to join the mold.
-o-
"So, remind me, why we're looking for this Marcus Black guy?" Cinder asked as she, Emerald, and Salem were walking down a lonely road.
"Those fuckers ruined the Hunts Man franchise. How they toss Burton for a man who thinks nipples on the suit is a good idea?!" Salem ranted.
"Can't you just send a swarm of Grimm?" Emerald asked.
"Too messy." Salem mused only for them to come up to a burning house. "….and it looks like we walked on a mess."
Marcus was dead on the world as Mercury looked up at three battered and bruised.
"If you're here for my father, don't bother." Mercury said spitting on the corpse.
"A shame, I needed him to get the fucker ruining the Hunts Man films." Salem said with a sigh. "But I was unaware he had a son. I'm assuming he was a complete piece of shit in raising her."
"All he did when he was not training me was drinking, yelling, coming home from who knows where, and stealing my weed." Mercury said angrily.
"You grow weed, you say?" Salem said with a smirk. "Dear child, I have an offer in mind for you and your talents."
And thus, Mercury was taken in by Salem. He simply found it telling that the literal Queen of the Bane of Humanity was kinder and a lot more caring then his father. He found a sparring partner in Cinder who fought more as a hobby and a mother figure in Salem. He was still wary of her, but repeated sights of her stoned off her ass eased the tension a bit. Helps to have seen when Salem got so high that she thought he was a dolphin and flailing on the ground making clicking sounds.
"I don't get paid enough to deal with this shit." Dr. Watts said going back into his room with his coffee in tow.
(A/N: Simple, short, and effective. Next up, I'm going to be going some more direct RWBY parodies. Let us begin the mockery!)