Snippet 116

Ozpin Gets a Smart Scroll

Genre: Humor

Pairs: None

Parody: RWBY | "Yami Gets A Smart Phone" by Daitomodaichi

AU-Type: Canon-esque AU (Vol.7)

Tags: Salem and Ozpin finally deal it out, Troll!Salem, Trolling doesn't end well though, Salem is being petty, Called it that Salem was going to have a cape

"Ozpin, today we finally duel and end this madness." Salem said dramatically as her cape fluttered in the air.

Ozpin twirled his staff in his hand ready to see against his once love. Altas was burning and everyone was ready to throw down.

"Alright, Salem. Raise your army and fight me!" Ozpin said as Salem looked befuddled. "What?"

"You see this shit. This is why you're under me. You're an old beater and I'm a slick new sports car. This is why I'm on top and you're my bitch." Salem said coyly.

"Wait, what?!" Ozpin said confused.

"We're not going to battle our armies. We'll settle it on the RWBY Amity Arena app!" Salem said dramatically raising her phone. "The one that isn't made by Rooster Teeth! So, it actually works!"

"What?" Ruby said flatly.

Everyone was completely floored at the fact that Salem wanted to battle for the fate of the world with an app battle. Yang's eye twitched, Blake fell over, and Weiss walked away not even in the mood.

"Are you fucking with me?" Ozpin said as Salem crossed her arms. "We always duel with our armies."

"Oh please, the only people who do that are rich and powerful manchildren who waste time fucking everything up instead of doing things for the benefit of society." Salem said without an ounce of shame. "Until you get the app, I refuse to duel you!"

A Wyvern took her up into the sky as Yang asked, "Wait, did she just roast you both?"

As Atlas was in chaos, it would be Marrow who noticed a scroll shop that was looted having a few scrolls left. Qrow's semblance caused the one Marrow got to take forever to charge. All the while, Grimm were shredding Atlas. Robyn Hill was being eaten alive by Grimm as Ozpin was still waiting for it before it finally turned on. Ozpin installed the app as Salem jumped down crushing Robyn's spine accidently saving her from the Grimm, but left her crippled.

"Ok, let's do…what's it doing?" Ozpin said as Oscar took over saying it was updating.

"And there's literally 300 updates. You better make sure you have space on that." Salem said as everyone groaned.

-Literally A Week Later-

Finally, the updates were done, and everyone woke up from their sleep. Atlas was still on fire and Robyn was begging for death.

"Ok, it's up…" Ozpin said as everyone looked up to see Salem's lustful stare at Oz. "Were you watching me sleep?!"

Salem jumped back saying, "I see that you ready. Let's duel!"

"Now, I can…OH what the hell is it doing now?!" Ozpin said as the phone beeped.

"Ads." Weiss said with a groan. "And it's for the SDC."

"Note to self, burn down SDC." Ozpin thought.

"Just wait for the ad. Not like you have better things to do." Salem mocked.

Ozpin groaned as he looked at his phone to see it was one ad…out of 500.

"Screw this!" Ozpin said smashing the scroll on the ground. "Back in our day, we didn't get weapons, fancy phones, or any of that. We used magic, fists, and rocks!"

Ozpin took up a brick to emphasize his point screaming about how they were huge.

"I see why you got our children killed when you wanted the divorce." Salem said as Ozpin's restraint went out the window.

"You know what, Salem? You know what else this brick is good for?" Ozpin said darkly.

Before Salem could answer, her face met brick before meeting dirt.

[Cues: E-Dubble – Be King]

Salem found herself surrounded before they all jumped her forgoing their weapons just to smack the taste out of her mouth with their bare hands. As they all pummeled the Grimm Queen, Robyn was recording it all on her scroll to which Raven and Taiyang were watching from home while munching on that good popcorn.

"Heh, bitch." Raven said with hearty laugh.

(A/N: Ridiculous, yes. A bit more crackish than usual.)