Chapter 2
The storm continued on, and Olivia could still hear the rain slapping against the windows in her office, but suddenly it sounded more aggressive. She didn't feel the same comfort she had listening to the back and forth of the raindrops and the wipers.
It felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, then she realized that she'd been holding her breath. She bit the inside of her cheek to make sure this wasn't her mind playing tricks. She bit harder and harder, refusing to believe that after all this time Elliot Stabler was standing in front of her.
The stages of grief hadn't been linear, there were good days and bad ones, her emotions fluctuating constantly. It was similar to what she felt when her mom passed.
Her relationship with her mother had never been perfect, and dealing with her loss hadn't been easy, but that felt like a warm-up compared to the feeling of losing him.
She could feel her body trying to make sense of what her mind was attempting to process. In a matter of seconds it was skimming through every emotion in the book to see which one would stick.
She noticed she'd been staring him dead in the eye this entire time, and would have to muster up something to say sooner rather than later. A million questions raced through her head
What are you doing here? Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you call me? How dare you come back? Is that all you have to say to me? "Hey captain?"
She couldn't find the right words. She didn't know where to start. He broke the silence once again, but not before releasing an audible sigh, and his eyes dropped as if he was also trying to figure out the best way to say what he wanted to.
"Liv, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to catch you so off guard. I went by your old place and realized you didn't live there anymore, so I figured this was the best place to find you…"
She could tell he was waiting for her to say something, anything, but she still wasn't convinced this was real. That he was real and standing in her office. She'd thought about this moment so many times she lost count. She'd practiced what she would say or how she'd react, but none of those scenarios could've possibly prepared her for the reality of standing face to face with him.
Something in her brain entered auto-pilot, and she heard her voice say something outloud but wasn't sure it had actually been her who said it
"Elliot, I…"
Her tongue and her brain couldn't figure out how to work together. Her mouth stayed slightly open as if she was getting ready to say something else, but it was her eyes that were asking all the questions. Her brown ones were scanning his blue ones, she could tell he had so much he wanted to say, but she didn't know exactly what that was.
There was a point in time where she would've been able to read his mind with a single glance, but now it felt like she was trying to make sense of someone she'd never met before.
She didn't know anything about him. Where he'd been all these years, who he was, why he did what he did. And he didn't know anything about her either. About Lewis, or Tucker, or Noah. She'd gone through the very worst and the very best moments of her life after he disappeared, and he didn't know about any of it.
Before he left, Elliot was the only man in Olivia's life.
Sure, she'd dated casually when they were partners and even been disappointed once or twice when something didn't work out, but it always seemed so trivial. She didn't need Elliot leaving to know that she never felt heartbroken over whatever temporary joy she found in some of the men she'd been with. Those connections never even began to scrape the surface of what she felt she had with him at the time.
He knew her soul, and she knew his.
As a million thoughts raced through her head, she wondered if rage was what she would land on like so many times before. Before she realized, she was speaking again
"What are you doing here?"
It felt like the easiest question to ask out of all them
He slipped his left hand out of his pocket and scrubbed it over his face. She could tell he was also trying to find the right words to say, and wondered if he had thought about this moment as much as she had. Suddenly she noticed that the wedding band she'd gotten so used to staring at during their partnership was absent from his finger.
Before she had a chance to register the possibilities she heard his voice once again
"I've missed you, Liv"
She stopped breathing again. The statement felt loaded, and a rush of emotions swirled through her. Four simple words somehow managed to mend what a decade of therapy never could. The feeling of relief would likely be temporary, but it felt damn good.
/
He noticed her features soften, the tension in her shoulders easing a bit, and a small smile formed across her face, barely noticeable.
"Is that why you called so often over the years?" she quipped at him. Her tone was almost playful, and just like that it was as if they fell right back into their stride.
The statement hurt, and it poked at all the guilt he'd carried for the last 10 years. He wanted to reach out so many times, but he knew that if he heard her voice he would've been on the first flight back to New York. He'd needed the clean break to save his marriage, but in the end that crumbled anyways.
He'd tried to distract himself from the void in his chest that leaving Olivia behind caused. He took any opportunity to go undercover and be anyone but himself. Anything was better than having to live his own life. He loved Kathy, but he knew that it had been a long time since he was in love with her. When he was home, he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her. He blamed her for taking him away from Olivia.
The guilt was a double edged sword.
In the end, he'd hurt Kathy and Olivia, and they likely both condemned him for not being man enough to do the right thing. He thought he had been when he chose his family, but he realized he was more a coward than anything else. He stayed with Kathy all those years because that's what his upbringing told him was right, even if it didn't feel like it was. And all of that meant nothing, because eventually Kathy had enough and found what she'd begged Elliot to give her for years in someone else.
Learning of her affair came as a shock.
In a way, it was mostly because he never believed she had it in her. It hurt, but not as much as it should have after more than three decades together. He felt relieved more than anything. He didn't have to be the bad guy anymore.
He slowly started walking towards Olivia, closing the distance between them. He wanted to hug her and never let go. There was so much he wanted to say, to apologize for.
In due time, he thought.
Before he knew it, there were only a few inches separating them. He smiled at her again, bigger this time. She dropped the umbrella she'd been holding, and they held their eye contact for a few more moments before embracing.
Her body felt like it was molded perfectly to fit his, the smell of her shampoo whirled around him and he closed his eyes. He'd dreamt of this moment everyday for the last decade. He wanted to pull her even closer but he knew it would only be a few more moments before they had to pull away.
The phone on her desk began to ring, robbing him of his extra few seconds with her in his arms.
She withdrew her body from his and walked over to answer the call
"Benson"
Her brows furrowed, and he took the opportunity to take her in. She looked even better than he'd remembered, and his gaze made its way slowly down the length of her body. She was saying something to the person on the other line, but he was too distracted to bother listening. He watched her lips move, the way her blouse rested over her chest as it rose up and down with her breathing, the pants hugging all of her curves perfectly.
He'd always understood why all the men she met fell for her. She was captivating, but he knew the sides of her that no one else did. It made him feel like he had a one-up on all of them, but it also made him feel sick to his stomach at the thought of someone else having her. Having the parts of her that he never could. He knew it wasn't right, and it wasn't fair, especially during the time he was married, but he couldn't help it. She was his, and he was hers, whether she knew it or not was a different story.
She'd gotten off the phone and cleared her throat. He was still staring
"That was the M.E., might have a DNA hit on a case…" her voice trailed off, but he understood what she was saying. They'd have to part ways. Maybe it was for the best, he realized he hadn't come into this situation prepared for what it would be like to see her again.
"Of course, I get it. Duty calls. I'll get out of your hair… I'm sorry again for just dropping in like this, probably should've thought it through a bit more"
She smiled again,
"It's okay. Glad you stopped by."
He started reaching for the door and stared at the floor for a second, contemplating what to do.
"You wanna grab a drink tomorrow tonight?" he asked before he convinced himself not to
A hint of shock ran across her face before she responded. He wasn't sure what it meant
"Yeah, I'd like that. 8pm at Tony's?"
He nodded his head once and opened the door
"I'll see you then"