NOTE: This chapter is a bit longer than the first two; not sure if it's better to do longer chapters, or shorter chapters more frequently. Let me know, and thank you to anyone that's left a review so far! Happy to know you're enjoying the story, and let me know how you feel about the chapter! There's still a lot to come, and please excuse any typos/mistakes.

Chapter 3

Bewilderment. Shock. Confusion.

It didn't make sense.

Thirty minutes ago, Elliot Stabler had been standing in her office, telling her he'd missed her.

In a way she hated herself for how she'd reacted to hearing him say it, she was nonchalant, as if there was nothing to speak about, nothing to forgive. She'd pictured the moment so many times in her head; how she'd tell him to go fuck himself, or hoped he would beg for forgiveness the way she'd begged a higher power to bring him back all those years ago. But it was in typical Stabler fashion to try and pretend that nothing had ever happened. As if he'd been on an annual trip to Disney World and was just glad to be back at work.

She scoffed out loud, asking herself what the hell she'd been thinking when she agreed to drinks. It caught her so off guard she didn't have a clear moment to process what it would all mean before she said "yes." And now, she would have to sit down with him face to face, trying to make sense of why he came back. And why now.

The more she thought about it, the more she felt the fury simmering once again, slowly coursing its way through her body. She could feel the tension in her jaw from how hard she'd been clenching it. He had some nerve waltzing back in like everything was okay, admitting that he'd tried to stop by her apartment; as if they'd been thrown in a time machine to fifteen years in the past.

As she sat in traffic heading downtown to the medical examiner's office, she realized how much of her emotions she'd truly buried in the depths of her mind. The anger was genuine, but she knew it also just helped to mask the smorgasbord of other feelings she was harbouring inside. She'd missed him too, that was undeniable. And she'd be lying if she said she wasn't at least a little curious to hear what he had to say. She was torn, and once again Elliot Stabler had her sitting front row on an emotional rollercoaster.

The way it felt to see him standing before her. In the flesh. Seeing him in that fucking suit that squeezed perfectly across every inch of his muscular frame. Looking straight into those blue eyes of his, the ones that told so many of the stories they'd shared together, and the ones she hadn't been a part of. And Jesus Christ, the high she felt when he wrapped his arms around her. The thought alone sent chills down her spine, while at the same time warming everything inside of her. She could've stayed there forever. That moment in his arms replaced all of the sadness, the bullshit, the baggage, but the emotion was fleeting.

That wasn't real life, and all of this was far from a fairytale. They were real people with real shit they'd have to deal with now that he was back. Was he back for good? Why hadn't he been wearing his wedding ring? She didn't know, and the endless stream of questions started up once again.

—

He was an asshole.

He knew it, she knew it, hell even his kids knew it.

It wasn't by choice, though it had been his choices that made him one. His intentions had always been good, but they caused so much hurt along the way that he fought hard to understand just how good they truly were.

He tried to shake off the guilt as he made his way back home. He'd been familiar with the heaviness of guilt for as long as he could remember. The guilt and fear of being a bad catholic, a bad husband, a bad father. In the end he'd been most of those things at one point or another.

The smell of her still lingered all around him. Time stood still the second their bodies touched, but all the time in the world wouldn't be enough to make up for all the years he'd had to live without her. It had taken everything in him not to devour her lips with his own right then and there, a restraint that up until that point he wasn't sure he had. He would've done anything to taste her, even for just a moment, and the thought rushed through his body like a drug. She was his drug. His kryptonite. But as much as he'd wanted to consume her, he knew there was too much to lose if he didn't play this right.

He knew her well enough to know that she had questions he wasn't sure he had the answers to, and that her forgiveness wouldn't come easy, nor was it guaranteed.

He gripped the steering wheel with force and watched his knuckles turn white. He couldn't fathom the thought of living without her for another day, and he would spend the rest of his life chasing her forgiveness if that's what he had to do.

—

Tuesday

The end of the day had arrived sooner than she'd hoped. She wasn't ready to face him again, but the clocks had no mercy and she swore they were playing a cruel joke on her.

By 6:15pm she was walking through the door of her apartment. The lights were off and the sound of her keys landing on the table echoed off the walls.

Noah had been accepted to a three-week long ballet intensive on the West Coast and the apartment was eerily quiet. It felt empty. He'd only been gone three days but she was ready for him to come home.

She hadn't been sure about allowing him to go at first, it was in the middle of the school year but the ballet academy had assured the parents that thanks to remote learning, there would be an allotted time each day to make sure none of the students fell behind on schoolwork. Noah had practically begged her to let him go, and eventually she agreed. She missed him like crazy, even with the daily facetimes, but knew how much it meant to him.

"Alexa, lights on"

The lights in the apartment flicked on as she kicked off her shoes and made her way to her bedroom.

She looked at the dress she'd picked the night before, laid out on her white duvet. It wasn't too late to cancel. She played with the thought for a few moments, weighing out the possibilities. A part of her didn't want to go and run the risk of opening up old wounds, but if she didn't go, she'd always wonder.

She padded her way into the bathroom, peeling off her clothes and letting them fall on the white tiles. Her naked reflection stared back at her, she gripped onto the vanity and let her head fall forward as the memory of the day before played in her mind. The thought of him wrapped around her replayed over and over, his scent, his warmth pressed against her, it sent her senses into overdrive. She wondered what it would be like to feel his bare skin against hers. To feel him on top of her, marking every inch of her body and claiming it as his own. She imagined the taste of his lips as they crashed into hers, his muscles flexing as he pulled her closer.

Her eyes opened, she was doing it again. She was fantasizing about him like some teenager, but what she felt was much more than a schoolgirl crush. Even if she wasn't ready to admit it.

She took a deep breath and walked a few feet over to the shower, turning the water to the hottest temperature she could handle in the hopes that it would help ease the tension she felt all throughout her body.

Once she finished in the shower, she wrapped herself in a towel and went into the kitchen. The shower hadn't helped nearly as much as she hoped so she was on to plan b, because nothing calmed nerves like a few glasses of wine.

She grabbed a bottle of pinot noir and served herself a hefty pour. The first sip warmed her immediately and she carried the glass back into the bedroom. The black dress was staring back at her and she took another sip as she felt the nerves building up again. It was just after 7pm and she had to get a move on.

She blow dried her hair and threw on a light makeup look. Her reflection stared back at her once more but she was now on her second glass of wine and the nerves had subsided a bit. She headed back into the bedroom and picked up the black dress. The towel dropped and she stepped into the dress, feeling the cloth hug her body. It was one of her favorites and clung tightly in all the right places. It had thick straps and a neckline that showed just enough cleavage that it was sexy but not immodest. The hemline sat just a few inches above her knees, and combined with the heels she'd set out, it elongated her legs even more.

After slipping on her pumps, she took another look in the mirror and smiled. She looked good.

It was now a quarter to 8 and that gave her just enough time to grab an uber and make it to the bar on time. She had to keep reminding herself to breathe during the cab ride, and that they were grabbing a drink like they'd done so many times before. She tried to convince herself over and over that there was nothing to be nervous about with no prevail.

Eventually the car pulled up and she took a few moments before opening the door. She took a deep breath, thanked the driver, and got out. She stood outside, steadying her breathing and searching internally for the willpower to walk into the bar. Finally, she gulped and felt her legs moving one in front of the other making their way to the entrance. She opened the door and inhaled, allowing the smell of the bar to fill her nostrils. All bars smell the same she thought, a mixture of liquor and the universal cleaner they all seemed to use. But there was something else in the air today, and she pinpointed the scent immediately. It was faint, but she knew he was there. The smell of his cologne was ingrained in her and she could sense his presence even in the crowd of people. Her eyes scanned the room and it only took moments before she spotted him. He was sitting in a booth, sipping on a glass of whiskey and looking nowhere but everywhere all at once. She knew he was looking for her.

She maneuvered through the bar and made her way towards him. She welcomed how busy it was for a Tuesday night, for one reason or another it helped alleviate the anxiety.

Finally as she was arriving, he recognized her presence. Their eyes locked and she gave him a half smile. He took a swig and as she approached she realized that there was already a glass of wine waiting for her at the table.

—

He tried to look anywhere but her direction. He'd seen her but he knew that if he didn't stop himself she'd catch him staring and either walk right back out the door or pull her gun on him.

She was wearing a dress that looked like it'd been sewn onto her body. Her chest was more exposed than he remembered it ever being, and her hips swayed effortlessly as she navigated through the crowd.

But it was her legs he couldn't keep his eyes off of. They were tan, toned, and God help him, they went on for days.

She arrived at the table and he looked up from his glass, unable to stop the smile that was forming across his face

"Hey," she said in a tone slightly above a whisper

"Hey"

"That for me?" she asked, nodding her head towards the glass of red wine sitting on the table as she slipped into the booth

"Yeah, figured you wouldn't be too far behind me so I ordered but if you want something else-"

"No this is perfect," she interrupted "thank you"

He watched as she grabbed the glass and brought it to her lips. He'd never been so jealous of an inanimate object until now.

"Were you waiting for long?"

"Nah, got here 10 minutes ago. My new place isn't far and I know this spot gets pretty busy so wanted to make sure we got a table"

He realized he was still staring at her and looked back down at his glass before taking a sip

"Your place" she asked, though it sounded more like a statement. He looked back up at her, their eyes locking as she awaited his response

He hadn't expected the conversation to take such a serious turn so soon and let out a sigh

"Uh yeah, Kathy and I got divorced a few months ago"

Her mouth opened slightly and now she was the one to break eye contact, taking in a mouthful of wine. He could see the wheels turning in her head as she processed what he'd just told her

Finally she found the words and spoke again

"I'm sorry El, I had no idea"

He shrugged his shoulders

"It's alright. Turns out after thirty-something years even she had a breaking point. Can't really say I blame her. Our marriage ended a long time ago. Guess it just took someone else coming along for her to realize."

He finished his whiskey and looked over at her, the shock of what he'd just revealed evident on her face

"Kathy cheated on you?" her brows were furrowed as if she was questioning whether she'd heard him correctly

"Yeah, some guy named Gianni. They met at a cooking class he taught last year. Wasn't anything at first and then it was. He's a nice guy despite the fact that he eventually slept with my then-wife" he chuckled lightly. In all honesty he didn't want to continue talking about the divorce. Everyone had made amends and moved on, but he knew that the road to forgiveness was one that would require a lot of honest and sometimes uncomfortable conversations with Olivia.

She listened attentively as he finished answering her question about Kathy, while also finishing her drink, and she must have picked up on his slight discomfort

"His name is Gianni and he teaches cooking classes. Sounds like the poster-child for How to spot an Italian 101"

He let out a laugh, a hearty one. He'd forgotten what it felt like to laugh with her, and he realized just how much he'd missed it. Everything always felt better when she was by his side.

They stared at one another for a few seconds, and suddenly it dawned on him that they were going to be okay. They understood what the other was saying without needing to speak a word, even after all this time. It didn't mean that getting to the other side of this would be any easier, but he found solace in knowing that they would both fight like hell to get there.

He breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed his glass

"Ready for another drink?" he asked

"Yes please"