Snippet 129

Free Running? Hell No.

Genre: Humor

Pairs: Tiamat (Raven/Taiyang), Jaded (Emerald/Mercury)

Parody: American Dad

AU-Type: Modern-eqsue AU

Tags: Taiyang is not a Spring Chicken, Do not try to do Parkour, Emerald and Mercury are "professionals", Raven's not a piece of shit human being, Sucks to be Taiyang, Small references to other RWBY fanwriters, Cinder's an ass

Note: This is a universe where Summer has died, but Raven returned into Taiyang, Yang, and Ruby's lives. Tai and Raven also remarried.

Boredom. The agonizing torture of it was unbearable for Taiyang and Raven Xiao Long. As parents, they felt their life gone mundane. There was no excitement anymore. At least, that was until they found their ticket to that in the form of Emerald and Mercury Black. They were a young couple they ran into and had assumed that they were also a young couple. Thus, the Xiao Longs rolled with it, and that's how they ended up on a rooftop overlooking the city in the afternoon.

Taiyang and Raven paced excitedly for the fourth double date. Emerald was checking her phone as Mercury looked out into the city.

"So glad, you guys suggested a nice easy jog? But why ask us to come to the roof?" Taiyang asked.

"Because we're going free running and we're set the course." Emerald said putting her phone away.

"Wait, what now?" Raven asked.

"What you never been free running?" Mercury said throwing off his tank top. "You going to love it! Let's go!"

Emerald and Mercury proceeded to leap from building to building flipping and showing agility fitting for an action movie. Taiyang watched this with his jaw on the ground.

"Ok, there is no way in he…" Taiyang said before Raven let out a war cry.

She threw off the sweatshirt revealing a rather tight sports bra before leaping off that building…and nailing the jump going after Emerald and Mercury. Taiyang followed suit as he felt everything go in slow-mo.

SMASH! Taiyang crashed through the window as Emerald and Mercury slid down the stairs on the rails.

Raven was following suit as Taiyang ran down the stairs. Mercury took the lead, jumped up on the rail on the ceiling, using it to swing and go through the small wide window above the door. Emerald had the same, but Raven needed to haul a trash can to follow through the window.

"Screw that." Taiyang said brushing off glass off his body as he went through the door.

Mercury leapt off the balcony diving down before perfectly somersaulting it and move to use wall kicks to get up the wall of another building. Emerald simply flipped off the rail managing to swing on the clothesline to catch up. Raven scaled down the building before managing to copy Mercury's wall kicking to scale up. Taiyang?

Fell on his back. He stumbled up in pain before walking into a wall. He'd be a while before he could catch up. After several trials, Taiyang found himself with his head stuck between the railings of a stairwell.

"Damn it! Raven, some help!" Taiyang wheezed as Raven kicked his face in.

This freed Taiyang only for to bounce from railing to railing before landing ontop on the couch bouncing off into the hard ground. Raven, Emerald, and Mercury came down as a bruised Taiyang got up to his feet.

"What a rush. Raven, why don't you go grab some drinks with Mercury and Emerald? I'm going to take a breather." Taiyang said falling onto the couch panting.

"You sure, Tai?" Raven asked concerned. "You look like you need a doctor."

"Nah, I good." Taiyang insisted. "I'm fine."

Raven could still he was lying, and he was bleeding a bit from the mouth, but went with them anyway. Taiyang wheezed as he was pretty sure he broke a rib and bleeding from the cuts thanks to the broken glass.

"This couldn't get worse." He assured himself as he saw a tennis ball bounce near him and end up in his lap.

A white Jack Russel Trainer ran in as Taiyang heard a voice said, "Get the ball, Snow."

CRUNCH! Snow had gotten a ball, but it was two of Taiyang's. He screamed trying to get him off as Cinder Fall came up to see Taiyang screaming for the dog to let go of his balls.

"Punching him won't work, he's friendly." Cinder said not even concerned her dog was biting down on his testicles.

"AHHHHHH!" Taiyang screamed as Cinder checked her phone to for next text. "You bitch! Help me!"

Not long after, Raven was coming back with Emerald and Mercury only to see Taiyang being loaded into an ambulance and taken away.

"What the hell happened?" Raven asked.

"That poor man got his dick and balls mangled by some bitch." Someone said crassly. "I pity his woman."

That man left leaving Raven, Emerald, and Mercury in shock.

"I'll call us an Uber." Emerald said awkwardly.

It would be a great relief to Raven that Taiyang did not lose his man meat or his meatballs. However, they were not to be any use of it for two weeks much to Raven's ire.

"Oh well." Raven thought. "I'll have to make do with his tongue."

(A/N: Poor Tai. He's the butt monkey this time instead of Raven. I might use another scene from American Dad in the future. I'll take suggestions on what. So far, I'm thinking Stelio Kontos needs to show up sooner or later.)