Ho-Hum and the Alien Visitation
A Hyperdimension Neptunia Fan Fiction
by Derald Snyder
Chapter 3- Thefts and Bribery
*Planeptune City Maximum Security Prison*
"So, would you care to explain this lapse to us, warden?" Histoire inquired critically with her arms crossed, Nepgear standing with her as they observed Underling's empty prison cell.
"I-I-I don't know h-how it c-could have happened!" the slightly rotund NPC stammered, shaking with intimidation.
"You do realize that one of my functions is a living lie detector," the fairy stated critically, "And it doesn't take me three seconds to deduce you are lying..."
"Did you help Underling escape?!" Nepgear asked pointedly.
"Of course not! I would never just up and let someone like her out like that!" the warden asserted firmly.
"...he seems to be telling the truth," Histoire observed. "Of course, that doesn't mean you weren't enticed to look the other way..."
"Did someone pay you off?" Nepgear inquired.
"No! No amount of money is worth releasing a felon!" the NPC retorted.
"Truth," Histoire nodded after three seconds.
"Hmm... maybe it was something else then," Nepgear mused. "Something that money couldn't buy... like a really rare retro game that's really hard to come by, even on the Internep..."
"Urk!" the warden sweat-dropped.
"...it seems you hit the nail on the head, Nepgear."
"I-I'm sorry!" the NPC fell to his knees, as if to beg for mercy. "I'd been looking everywhere for that game, and then that person showed up and dangled it in front of my face, like red meat in front of a hungry dog! It was an offer I couldn't refuse!"
"W-well, you should have!" the CPU Candidate asserted. "So who bought you off with the rare game?!"
"I... I'm not talking! I want a lawyer!" the fat man shook his head.
"...In that case, you leave us with no choice," Histoire sighed. "Guards!" Two security guards ran up, grabbing the warden by the arms. "Your warden is hereby stripped of his position. He is to be arrested and charged with bribery and aiding and abetting a convicted felon."
"How could you do this to us, boss?!" the guard on the right gasped.
"And I had so much respect for you, too..." the left guard added as they hauled the ex-warden to his feet.
"Take his gun and shield. A-and his keys!" Nepgear ordered. "And lock him up in this cell, we'll see how he likes it!" The guards did as ordered, handing over the requested items to the goddess before throwing the rotund NPC into said cell and slamming the door shut. "Maybe after a few days of not being able to play that precious game, you'll realize how foolish you were!"
"I-I'm still not talking," the ex-warden grunted in defiance.
"Then you can remain there until your trial begins, in three days," Histoire stated matter-of-factly. Turning to the two guards, she then spoke, "Now then, would either of you be bought off by a rare retro game like he was?"
"No way!"
"O-of course not!"
"The one on the right is lying," the Planeptune Oracle said. "You on the left, congratulations, you are the new warden of Planeptune City Maximum-Security Penitentiary." Nepgear promptly handed the badge and keys to the left NPC. "Be sure to learn from your predecessor's error."
"Yes ma'am! Thank you, Histoire!" the new warden saluted. Turning to his compatriot, he then ordered, "Alright, gather the other guards for a staff meeting! We're going to talk about potential bribes and how not to get taken in by them! Hut, hut, hut!"
"Y-yessir!" the other guard saluted nervously before running off.
"And make sure all the prisoners are locked in their cells first!"
Histoire nodded in satisfaction, before turning back to Nepgear. "Well, now that that's been dealt with, we should try to locate Underling with all due haste..."
"But if she was behind that giant bear trap Blanc escaped, that means she could be anywhere by now!" Nepgear pointed out. "She couldn't gotten that far on her own... It must mean she's become part of some new evil group!"
"In that case, we should contact IF and see what her Guild has been dealing with lately..." Histoire suggested.
*Meanwhile, in Lastation...*
"So the items that were stolen were a bazooka, a laser rifle, and a high-capacity hand cannon," the NPC detective muttered as he scribbled on a notepad.
"Right!" Uni nodded. "And that hand cannon was one of my favorites! It has a 50-round capacity, and can fire in burst of three rounds at a time!" Looking around, she sighed in despair at see all her firearms laying haphazardly all over the floor of her vault. "It's gonna take forever to reorganize all these..."
"Detective, Lady Uni!" a police officer ran up with a sheet of paper. "I found this note buried under a assault rifle in the corner! Looks like it's from the perp!"
"Let me see that," the detective took the note in hand, Uni moving closer so they could both read...
'To CPU Candidate Uni:
Your firearms are useless just sitting in here, so I decided to take a few off your hands. Don't worry, they'll be put to good use very soon... Also, you need a keypad that isn't so easily hot-wired.
-Generic Thief #11 of Ho-Hum'
"Ho-Hum? What the heck is a 'Ho-Hum?'" Uni grunted in confusion.
"Obviously the name of some criminal organization," the detective mused. Just then, something caught his eye, seeing Noire jogging into the vault. "Oh, Lady Noire!"
"Detective, I want a report on your investigation's progress!" the CPU promptly ordered. "I can already see how they broke in- unscrewing the keypad cover and hot-wiring the code!"
"I'm sorry, Noire!" Uni bowed her head in shame. "You need a special screwdriver to unscrew that cover, so I thought it was good enough...!"
"Uni, stop. There's no need to apologize," her sister shook her head. "The fact that this thief even had that kind of screwdriver suggests they're a professional..."
"Exactly the conclusion I came to," the detective nodded. "They even left a note behind..." He promptly handed said note over to the goddess, who quickly scanned over it.
"...'Ho-Hum'? What kind of a name for a criminal organization is that?!" Noire muttered to herself.
"That's what I said," Uni shrugged.
"...Well, anyway, take this note down to forensics, see if they can find any useful evidence," Noire said as she handed the paper back. "Much as I'd like to help with the investigation, I've got reams of paperwork to do, not mention I have to meet Blanc and other CPUs in Lowee in two days..."
"I told you sewing that cosplay costume would set you you way back," Uni muttered under her breath.
"HEY!" Noire' eyes shrunk to circles. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that!"
"With all due respect, Lady Noire, your hobby's not exactly secret these days..." the NPC detective spoke up.
"WHAT?!" the tsundere goddess cried in shock. "E-everyone knows?! Did Neptune tell?!"
"Actually, we've known it for a while, Lady Noire," the police officer added.
"Nooooooo! This is so embarrassing!" Noire squeaked in dismay. "I'm, I'm gonna go hide in my office for a while...!" She promptly ran off red-faced, causing the others present to sweat-drop...
*Ho-Hum HQ*
"Master, I have returned," Generic Ninja #25 kneeled before Overlord Momus. "Operation successful. In fact, I hear that Neptune is issuing a decree banning eggplant-flavored pudding throughout all of Planeptune..."
"Excellent work," Momus nodded in satisfaction. "I have another assignment for you. I've just received word of a meeting of all four CPUs at the Lowee Basilicom in two days... I want you to head over there and try to glean what information you can from the meeting. Knowing their future actions will allow us to plot future operations against them..."
"It will be done, Overlord Momus," Ninja #25 assented, promptly vanishing into the shadows...
*To be continued...*