Ho-Hum and the Alien Visitation
A Hyperdimension Neptunia Fan Fiction
by Derald Snyder
Chapter 5- Alien Goddess Descends
*Iris Field, Lowee*
And so, the four CPUs, Rei, Rom, Ram and Neon were gathered in a rough semicircle at the far end of Iris Field, preparing for the arrival of the goddess of the Animenga Star Cluster... Neptune had the hood of her parka up, Noire wore a short gray winter coat and a scarf, Rei was wearing a long brown slightly tattered winter coat, and the others were wearing their default outfits (though Vert had a heat pack nestled in her D-cups).
"You aren't cold, Miss Neon?" Rom asked curiously.
"The cold does not bother me," the alien replied. "But thank you for your concern."
"So how's this gonna go down?" Neptune asked next. "Your goddess gonna descend from the heavens in a divine beam of light or something?"
"...it depends on her mood," Neon answered after a moment. Walking in front of the group, she assumed her true form before scanning the area with her seven eyes... "I can detect no other people in the immediate area at the moment." Turning her back to the group, she knelt down in a praying position, before calling out loudly in a language that none of the other goddesses understood... After a few seconds, a twinkle appeared in the sky, before a large beam of light came down, causing a wind that tousled Noire, Vert, Rei and Ram's hair, the three Lowee sisters having to grab their hats to keep them from blowing away!
"Yow! Did I call it or what?!" Neptune gasped. Squinting against the light, she made out a mask with seven eyes, three on the left and four on the right... then the beam disappeared, revealing a building-sized vaguely humanoid body with very large dragonfly-like wings, though the ethereal glow made it a bit hard to make out. "Whoa, this is a bit too much! Can you like, shrink down to bite-size or something?!"
"I-I second th-that!" Rei squeaked. The glowing figure spoke something in the same incomprehensible language, though her tone of voice was affirmative. It then began to shrink down, re-shaping into something tall with a round top... But before Neptune could make any phallic jokes, the glow began to fade, revealing the object to be a throne of some sort. Soon, the ethereal glow faded completely, revealing the figure on the throne to be a young woman with neck-length brown hair, held in place by a yellow headband and two matching ribbons. She wore clothing akin to a blue-colored sailor school uniform with brown shoes and white socks, and that same seven-eyed mask covered her face.
"Okay, that's a little more like it," Neptune nodded. "Any chance you could make your face more like a human's though?" The woman responded by reaching up and removing her mask, her face appearing featureless at first before reforming into a normal human face with a small nose and thin lips, her two eyes opening to reveal white sclera and golden irises.
"Ma'nabatea," Neon acknowledged. The goddess of the Animenga Cluster rose from her throne, walking over to her Oracle before placing her hands on the other's temples, closing her eyes for a few moments... she then removed her hands and stepped back, turning to face the other CPUs. "So, do you understand me now?"
"Loud and clear!" Neptune affirmed, the others responding similarly.
"I assume you absorbed knowledge of our language from your Oracle's mind," Vert stated.
"Sure did," the brunette nodded. "She was always better at picking up that kinda stuff, anyway. And you," she suddenly turned to Rei. "Thanks for getting Neon's fat outta the fryer, as you put it."
"Y-y-you're welcome!" Rei bowed politely. "S-so, um, not t-to be t-too forward, but d-do you have a n-name that's easy t-to p-pronounce for us? B-both Lady Blanc and Neptune k-kinda butchered the name Neon uses f-for you..."
"...yeah, it would be kinda hard on your tongues, huh?" the brunette acknowledged. "Okay, lemme think for a moment..." She crossed her arms and closed her eyes, pondering... "Well, a really long time ago, I was once known as 'the spring breeze which brings forth the seeds of new life'... How about you call me 'Haruhi'? That means 'spring breeze' in another language..."
"Haruhi, huh? Yeah, that'll work! Haruhi it is then!" Neptune proclaimed, the others agreeing. "So, anyway, I'm Neptune, goddess of Planeptune, the one with black hair is Noire from Lastation, the blonde one is Vert from Leanbox, and the one with the hat is Blanc from Lowee, which is the nation we're in right now. Oh, and the one with the horn is Rei Ryghts."
"And I'm Ram, and this is my twin sister Rom!" the youngest sister exclaimed. "Oh, and Neptune and Noire have sisters too, but they're back at their homes right now!"
"H-hello there!" Rom waved timidly.
"I see. Well, nice to meet you all!" Haruhi nodded with a smile. "Well, I'm looking forward to exploring this world... what's up, Neon?" She looked over at her Oracle who had suddenly reverted to her human guise.
"We have incoming," Neon pointed, "two men, covered in shadow, they appear to be being chased by a monster." The CPUs turned, and sure enough, it was as she said, two NPCs running for their lives from a giant Viral Meow!
"I've got this!" Blanc stated as she took out her hammer. Swinging in a circle, she released her hammer which spun in an arc that missed the two men, nailing the Viral Meow dead-on and dematerializing it instantly!
"Haa... w-we're saved!" the NPC on the left gasped as he fell to one knee.
"It would seem so," the other NPC replied, leaning on his knees but still standing. "Lady Blanc, you have our gratitude..."
"Yeah, nicely done!" Haruhi lightly applauded.
"You idiots mind telling me what you were doing all the way out here in the first place?!" Blanc growled as she recalled her hammer to her hand, hefting it over her shoulder.
"It was his fault," the left NPC pointed to his comrade, "He insisted on checking it out, so I followed him in case he got in over his head... guess I didn't do much better. Seriously, how does a Viral Meow get so huge?!"
"...it's not unheard of," the Lowee CPU shrugged as she put her hammer away.
"So, like, what exactly were you checking out?" Neptune asked.
"Well, this may sound strange..." the right NPC began, "But, I swear I had seen something strange in the sky... like a mask of some sort... with multiple eyes! You saw it too, don't deny it!"
"I suppose," the left NPC said non-committally. "Of course, the fact that all the CPUs are here probably means they already dealt with it..."
"Uh... yep, that's right! We nepped the heck out of that evil mask thingy! All is well, nothing to worry about!" Neptune babbled with a wide smile, causing Haruhi and Neon to sweat-drop. "Right, guys?" The other CPUs spoke similarly.
"So, what are your guys' names?" Haruhi asked, causing the the two to stop cold.
"Our names...?" the left NPC seemed surprised.
"No-one's ever asked us that before," the right NPC admitted. "After all, we're just non-player characters, insignificant, unimportant-"
"Not to me you aren't!" Haruhi cut them off. "Names! Now!"
"Uh..." the left NPC stammered. "I am... John Smith."
"And I'm Itsuki Koizumi," the other NPC said. "A pleasure to meet you, miss..."
"Haruhi. Haruhi... Suzumiya." the brunette said after a moment. "Usually I have no interest in ordinary people, but I've never seen shadow-men where I come from..."
"Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm about as ordinary and average as they come," John Smith said. "Koizumi here's something of a philosopher-wannabe, though. Please don't start."
"What made you think I was going to?" Koizumi rebutted.
"Because I know you."
"...So, is this an example of 'those two guys', or the 'best friends who constantly insult and rag on each other'?" Neptune mused to herself.
"The latter," John snarked. "Can't live with him, life would be too boring without him."
"He makes a good sounding board for my ramblings," Koizumi concurred. "Ah, is that Rei Ryghts I see with you?"
"H-h-hello!" Rei waved nervously. "I d-don't b-bite, I promise!"
"Either that or you're too afraid to try it with all the CPUs here," John muttered under his breath.
"Aaaaanyway, it's freezing out here! Let's hurry up and get inside!" Haruhi insisted, rubbing her arms...
*Lowee Basilicom- Reading Room*
"Nep what?!" Neptune gasped in shock.
"Huh?!" Vert and Noire had a similar reaction.
"H-how d-did we end up b-back at the B-Basilicom so f-fast?!" Rei queried.
"Wait, you mean this wasn't a scene change?" John Smith asked in bewilderment.
"Nope! I teleported us all here!" Haruhi proclaimed with a smile. "Hope you're not too disoriented from the rapid transit!"
"Ah, so you aren't exactly human, are you, Miss Suzumiya?" Koizumi suggested knowingly.
"Uh..." the brunette's skin went pale as her pupils shrank to pinpricks. "Crap."
"Milady..." Neon face-palmed. "So much for keeping our true natures secret..."
"What, are you alien goddesses from outer space or something?" John deadpanned.
A low piano chord sounded through the room. "Holy Nep, he got it in one..." Neptune said, stunned.
"What remarkable intuition for an NPC," Vert observed with a sweatdrop.
"Wait, what?! I was right?!" the snarky shadow-man gasped in utter disbelief.
"Half-right," Haruhi sighed in resignation. "I'm the goddess, she's my Oracle," she pointed at Neon.
"Oh my," Koizumi shook his head, "so much for your assertions that aliens don't exist, John..."
"Yare yare, I'm never gonna hear the end of this," John face-palmed.
"I do not begrudge you," Neon assured him, "After all, Lady Vert also would not believe me without proof, namely a specific code that she uploaded onto the satellite we intercepted from her nation..."
"I was talking about Koizumi, not you."
"Wait a minute... the satellite was from Vert's nation?!" Haruhi said, turning to her fellow alien. "Oracle Evangelion, you have some explaining to do! Why did you come here when the satellite was launched from a different nation entirely?!"
"M-my apologies, Ma'nabatea!" Neon stammered, bowing deeply. "When I first came here, I was unaware of which nation was Leanbox, so I simply touched down in the center of the largest landmass! It was not until after I arrived that I realized my error! I beg forgiveness!"
"...that's a penalty on you, Neon," the alien goddess shook her head. "I'll decide your penance later... and call me Haruhi while we're here, got it?!"
"Yes, Ma'na- *ahem* I mean, Lady Haruhi."
"So that mask we saw in the sky, that was you, I presume?" Koizumi inquired.
"Yeah, that was me," Haruhi sighed. "Don't worry, we come in peace..."
"Um, yeah, could we, like, ask you to keep your lips zipped for the moment?" Neptune cut in. "We don't need people panicking thinking there's an imminent invasion or junk like that..."
"Says the one who thought she was about to be experimented on!" Noire jabbed at her.
"You weren't much better," Blanc spoke up.
"Shut up! I-it was just a momentary panic!"
"Don't worry about a thing," Koizumi interrupted before a fight could break out. "I'm quite good at keeping secrets, as my friend here can attest."
"I won't say anything either," John promised. "Last thing I want to do is provoke Lady Blanc's wrath..."
"Really?" Haruhi turned to the NPC. "Blanc seems rather soft-spoken to me..."
"She is, until she gets mad," Ram said. "Then she starts saying all kinds of bad words!"
"Big Sis is scary when she's mad," Rom added. "Especially when Miss Vert teases her..."
"Oh, speaking of which," Neon addressed the Leanbox CPU, "I've been curious about a particular ability that Lady Blanc says you possess... Do you truly fire lightning from your breasts?"
"D-do I WHAT?!" Vert gasped, her eyes shrinking to small circles. Meanwhile, Blanc suddenly clapped her hands over her mouth, her body shaking...
"You can do that?!" Haruhi gasped in surprise. "Ooh, this I gotta see!"
"Yeah, Thunder Tits, show 'em your stuff," John snarked.
"Pffffft- Ahahahahaha!" Blanc couldn't hold it in any more, collapsing to the floor as she laughed uncontrollably. It didn't help that Ram and Rom started laughing and giggling along with her...
"N-now wait just a moment!" Vert cried out. "Y-you've got it all wrong! I can't do that...! I-it's just... Blanc, this is all your fault!" The Lowee CPU just laughed harder in response...
"I... I fail to see what is so amusing," Neon sweat-dropped.
"Oh wait, I get it now," Haruhi realized. "'Thunder Tits' is just a derogatory insult, not an actual ability..."
"It took ya that long to figure it out?" Neptune sighed. "But yeah, Blanc's a bit sore that Vert's got massive mammaries while she doesn't... bringing that up usually means a giant hammer to the face."
"But... what does the size of your breasts have to do with anything? I do not understand at all," Neon pondered curiously.
"Let's just say it's one of those things you wouldn't understand if you weren't born and raised in Gamindustri," Noire explained. "It's better to just leave it at that..."
"I apologize for John, Lady Vert," Koizumi bowed, "but when a softball comes his way, he can't help but swing at it, if you understand my meaning..."
"I see..." Vert sighed as she rubbed her temples. "In that case, I think I'll step outside for some fresh air, before I do something I may regret." With that, she promptly took her leave.
"Well, while we wait for Blanc to stop laughing, how about we play some video games together?" Neptune suggested. "Er, you do know what video games are, right?"
"I am familiar with the concept," Neon nodded affirmatively.
"Me too... I think," Haruhi grunted. "But we'll leave the choice of game to you..."
*Ho-Hum HQ*
The phone rang, Overlord Momus quickly answering. "Report, Generic Ninja #25. ...What? Are you certain?! D-do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?! ...I see. Well, this changes things. Continue to monitor the situation for now. Good bye." He hung up before turning to his subordinates. "It seems that extraterrestrials have made first contact with the CPUs."
"Extraterrestrials?!" Soldier #20 gasped in shock. "As in, aliens from outer space?!"
"Aliens?!" Citrus gasped with wide eyes.
"For real?! You're shi- I mean, you're kidding me!" Linda caught herself before she cussed.
"I don't wanna be dissected, chu!" Warechu cried.
"Don't worry, Mr. Mousie, I'll protect you!" Citrus promised. "If the bad aliens come for you, Imma beat 'em up! Whack! Bam! Pow! Punch!"
"SILENCE!" Momus shouted, everyone quieting down. "Now then, before you all panic, it appears these extraterrestrials are benevolent in nature, for the moment. Nevertheless, this event requires us to alter our plans... therefore, we will divide our forces to ensure these aliens do not find us out all at once, if they have clairvoyant abilities. Generic Thief #20, seeing as you are a wanted woman in Lastation, I'm sending back to your old stomping grounds in Leanbox, though I highly suggest you stay out of the capital city. Generic Animal #10 will accompany you. Oh, and here." He handed a book to the thief.
"Uh... 'How To Cook Wild Game'?" Thief #11 sweat-dropped.
"So you don't get the urge for sticky fingers, Generic Animal #10 will hunt game in the forest and share a portion with you. This will ensure you prepare it properly, without becoming sick to your stomach," the horned man explained.
"So I'm roughing it, huh?" the shadow-woman sighed. "Well, guess it won't be too much different from when I was living on the streets..."
"Generic Soldier #20," Momus addressed the armored man next, "You will be heading to Lastation solo. I trust you know how to handle yourself."
"Sir, yes sir!" Soldier #20 saluted.
"Miss Linda, Warechu, Citrus and Dogoo Man, you will be heading to Planeptune."
"Hot da- Hot dog! Yes!" Linda pumped her arms in excitement. "Freakin' finally!"
"However, you will not act against the CPU there until I give the order, is that clear?"
"Aww, does that mean I can't go visit?" Citrus whined.
"Well..." Momus hesitated. "Wait until you get there, and then we'll see what happens. Remember, Neptune is still in Lowee right now, so you'll at least have to wait for her to come home, all right?"
"Oh... okay. But I'm not doin' anything with Punk Lady!" the kid insisted.
"Fine by me, I'm no good with kids anyway," Linda agreed. "You can go with the blue freak once we get over there!"
"Aw, come on, I'm not a freak, I'm just a Dogoo with lots of muscles!"
"What about you, Overlord Momus?" Soldier #20 asked.
"I will remain here for the time being," the leader of Ho-Hum responded. "I was going to wait to tell you this, but I have some potential recruits that I'm putting through their paces at the moment, and I don't wish to lose sight of them. If they pan out, I will give more information at the proper time. But for now, you all have your orders! Move out, members of Ho-Hum!"
"Yessir!" "Right!" "Okay!" With that, the group of minions dispersed, leaving Momus alone in the room.
"...I sincerely hope this event is not a prelude to the crisis I feared might come to pass," the horned shadow muttered to himself. "Hopefully these aliens are indeed as benevolent as they appear..."
*To be continued...*