Ho-Hum and the Alien Visitation

A Hyperdimension Neptunia Fan Fiction

by Derald Snyder

Chapter 6- The Antics Of Haruhi Suzumiya

*Lowee Basilicom- Reading Room*

"Ha ha! This race is all Nep's!" Neptune proclaimed, her go-kart being far in the lead.

"My blue shell says otherwise!" Noire taunted.

"NEPUUU! Not the blue shell!" the lilac-haired CPU cried in panic, as her on-screen vehicle was promptly destroyed. "I knew I should've picked up that big horn power-up...!"

"Looks like I'm in the lead now," John Smith muttered to himself... a minute later, his kart crossed the finish line. "Wow, I actually won a game against the CPUs themselves... well, two of them, anyway."

"Only because I opened the path to victory for you, so you better be grateful!" Noire insisted.

"Ah, I'm no good at these types of games," Itsuki Koizumi sighed as his kart came in last place. "I much prefer board games, anyway."

"Which you also suck at," John snarked. "But at least you're not a sore loser like Miss Alien Goddess..." Indeed, Haruhi had stomped outside after losing horribly twice, Rom and Ram heading after her on Blanc's orders to ensure she didn't blow her cover. As for Blanc herself, she was now explaining certain concepts of how Gamindustri worked with Neon Evangelion, Rei Ryghts putting in her two cents every so often.

Just then, the door slammed open, Vert coming in with snow on her head and bosom, trying to brush it off. "Honestly, how could you three gang up on me like that?!"

"Because it's more fun that way!" Haruhi said with a wide grin as she walked into the room, Rom and Ram on her heels. "Besides, it was these two terrors that nailed you the most!"

"That's right! When it comes to snowball fights, we never lose!" Ram proclaimed. "You should've seen what Haruhi did before that though- she made spaghetti and meatballs rain from the sky!"

"Nep what?!" Neptune gasped in shock, most of the others wearing similar expressions save Neon, who simply ducked her head.

"It was funny watching people run for their lives from the meatballs..." Rom said with a smile.

"What the hell?!" Blanc growled with a blood vein on her forehead. "I dunno how you did that, but you better undo it, NOW!"

"Hey, relax," Haruhi waved her off, "Everything's back to normal already, you can thank Vert for that."

"I just told her if she needed to blow off steam, she should have a snowball fight with Rom and Ram instead of warping reality," the busty CPU appended as she brushed off the last of the snow. "So, I guess you could say I brought this on myself..."

"Wait a nep!" Neptune said. "Haruhi, you warp reality when you get upset?!"

"...not the first time milady has done something like this," Neon sighed. "Fortunately, I can eventually convince her to reverse or at least mitigate the damage..."

"Not like I mean to cause any real harm," the Animenga goddess shrugged. "It's all in good fun. By the way, Neon, learn anything useful from Blanc?"

"Yes, Ma'na- *ahem* Lady Haruhi," the alien Oracle nodded. "I will gladly share what I have learned with you via mind-meld..."

"Alrighty," Haruhi assented, walking up to Neon and placing her hands on her temples, closing her eyes... after a few moments, she opened them and stepped back. "Share Energy, huh... so basically, you 'Console Patron Units', as you call yourselves, have to keep the commoners happy or you go poof?"

"That's a rather simplistic way of putting it, but yes," Vert nodded.

"You're seriously okay with your goddess reading your mind like that?" Neptune couldn't help but ask.

"My goddess is the one who gave my existence meaning," Neon replied. "Before meeting her, I was no better than a doll who wished for an end to her pain..."

"Well, we can get into tragic backstories later," Haruhi shrugged. "Speaking of commoners... Kyon, Koizumi, what do you think of your goddess?"

"She's all right with me... and it's John, not Kyon."

"I am satisfied with her performance," Koizumi nodded. "It's very interesting though, how goddesses seem to differ between this world and your cluster... perhaps it is because of ya blah blah, blah blah blah blah..."

"Oh no, here he goes again," John Smith face-palmed.

"Yadda yadda, blah-de-blah-de-blah, blah blah blah..."

"I... fail to comprehend," Neon sweat-dropped.

"Me too," Haruhi grunted in confusion.

"I think we all fail to comprehend," Noire spoke up.

At that point, Koizumi caught himself. "Ah, sorry, that was a joke."

"A joke?!" Blanc growled. "I think you need to be penalized for wasting our damn time!"

"Leave that to me, Lady Blanc," John said as he grabbed Koizumi by the shirt. "Take note, Haruhi, this is how we penalize people in my neck of the woods." With that, he marched his fellow NPC out of the room...

*Outside the Basilicom*

"Ahh!" Koizumi cried as he was tossed out the door, landing face-down in a snowbank. John nodded in satisfaction as he dusted off his hands, before heading back inside...

*Back inside...*

"Wow, nice toss there, Kyon," Haruhi complimented.

"I told you, my name is John Smith."

"Eh, Kyon suits you better, I think."

"Do you always re-name people on a whim?" the NPC said as he put his hands on his hips.

"We~ll, Neon here used to be called... well, it translates in your language as literally 'zero'. And there was no way my new Oracle was gonna be a zero in any shape, manner, or form!" the brunette affirmed.

"I-I appreciate that, my goddess," Neon visibly blushed.

"O-kay, I'm sensing that this relationship is more than just master and servant," Neptune said with her eyes closed. "Kinda like Vert and her Oracle..."

"Neptune! I would beg you not to start those unsavory rumors here!" the busty CPU insisted with an angered expression.

"Right," the main character shrugged, "so those suggestive noises you make when Chika massages you are just rumors, huh~?"

"N-now, that's...!" Vert began to sweat. "S-see here, I don't mind if Chika admires my body every now and then...!"

"Do you have any idea how wrong that sounds?!" Noire sighed. "Unlike you, I have my pride... I won't allow anyone to get familiar with my body, be they man or woman!"

"See~, now this is why you don't have any friends," Neptune taunted.

"I-I do too have a friend!" Noire shot back, blushing slightly. "A real one, not just my sister!"

"Yeah, the ex-yandere child soldier who wants to get jiggy with you in a cardboard box," Neptune retorted.

"Y-yandere?!" Haruhi went pale. "Um, yeah, where I come from, yanderes usually either end up dead or locked up in a crazy house..."

"You don't say," John/Kyon muttered under his breath.

"N-Neptune's exaggerating!" Noire insisted, red-faced. "She's not like that anymore! You can ask Rei here if you don't believe me!"

"Meep!" Rei Ryghts gasped at being put on the spot after having been ignored for a while. "W-well, that's t-true... Her obsession w-with Lady Noire i-is a little unhealthy, b-but she's not really c-crazy anymore, f-from what I've observed..."

"Ah, so I assume that Noire's friend was one of your prior clients as a lawyer?" Neon observed.

"Y-yes, that's right," the ex-final boss nodded. "N-not to b-brag, b-but I've found myself handling c-cases all over Gamindustri..."

"Yeah, you should've seen the time she defended my kid sister from terrorism charges!" Neptune exclaimed. "Turned out to be a conspiracy from her former anti-CPU group from when she was our enemy... I still remember the look on that old professor's face when Rei exposed him as one of her former comrades!"

"Eh-heh-heh..." Rei blushed from the memory. "I might've g-gone a little o-overboard there, seeing as I was admonished b-by the j-judge..."

"With your personality?" Haruhi sweat-dropped. "No offense, but I kinda find that hard to believe..."

"...Is that so?" Rei's voice suddenly went an octave deeper. "Heh heh heh... foolish worm, you have no idea! When I transform, my personality completely changes, and suddenly everyone is cowering in fear of me! Or did you forget I was a final boss once, maggot?!"

"Whoa," the brunette visibly recoiled. "I-I, uh, stand corrected!"

"Speaking of transformations," Neon spoke up, "While I have witnessed Lady Blanc's Hard Drive Divinity, as you call it, I have yet to see the rest of yours..."

"You wanna see our HDD forms, huh? Okay then!" Neptune agreed with a smile. "Um, John or Kyon or whoever, ya might wanna stand back."

"Right," John Smith nodded, backing up and leaning against the wall.

"I-I decline," Rei shook her head. "I d-don't like t-to transform u-unless I really have t-to..."

"Fair enough," Haruhi nodded, "we'll let you off this time. So, anytime you're ready, ladies."

"Alrighty then!" Neptune proclaimed. "Here we go, everyone! 3, 2, 1, Access!" The room was filled with light, and when it faded, all the CPUs save Rei were in their HDD forms, floating a few inches off the ground. "In this form, you may refer to me as Purple Heart. As I'm sure you already know, we only use these forms for battle or formal occasions."

After blinking a few times to get the spots out of her eyes, Haruhi couldn't help but grin in approval at seeing the goddesses' enhanced forms. "Sweeeet... you all got sexier! Well, except the kids, of course, but even they look like they've grown up a bit."

"You should have warned us about the light," Neon grunted, having opened her four other eyes to compensate for the two that were squeezed shut in pain.

"Yeah, it kinda multiplies when we all transform at once, huh?" White Heart muttered. "Sorry about that."

"Well, this is definitely a treat to see all your transformations at once, in person," John observed. "Especially Black Heart, I like the contrast of your hair with your outfit."

"Excuse me?!" White Heart grunted with a blood vein visible.

"Why thank you," Black Heart bowed in gratitude. "And my combat prowess is also second to none!"

"I'm pretty sure I edge you out, Black Heart," Purple Heart disagreed. "After all, I am the main character."

"Please, you're first among equals at best!" Noire retorted. "After all, if the three of us ganged up on you, you wouldn't stand a chance!"

"I know that all too well," the Planeptune CPU sweat-dropped. "You all did that to me at the beginning of the very first game, after all..."

"Well, at least you understand you're not invincible," Green Heart appended. "But I'm sure we all agree that the Console Wars of old are a thing of the past... that we compete with each other in less violent manners."

"That's right!" the blue-haired White Sister agreed. "I don't want to fight against any of you!"

"Neither do I!" said the pink-haired White Sister. "We're all friends here, right?"

"Right," the four CPUs spoke as one, before reverting to normal, Rom and Ram soon following.

"That being said, before you get mad at me, Lady Blanc, I do believe that your current console is superior to the others," John stated. "And isn't that what really counts, anyway?"

"...True," Blanc admitted. "Fine, I'll let you off this once. Just watch your tongue next time!"

"Console Wars, huh?" Haruhi mused. "I guess we're kinda lacking in history of this world..."

"Well, Histy might be able to help with that!" Neptune stated. "Although, her lectures can last up to three hours, so you might wanna have some coffee ready..."

"Histy...?" Neon tilted her head curiously.

"She means Histoire, the Oracle of Planeptune," Vert expounded. "Technically, she's older than all of us, though you wouldn't know it by her appearance."

"Ok, then. It's decided!" Haruhi nodded. "We're heading to Planet-Tune next! And then we'll head to Lean-Box and say hi to the space team that launched the satellite we intercepted! Which leaves Last-Station for last!"

"Lastation! And that's not funny!" Noire protested, a vein bulging on her forehead.

"We will require a map of the continent so we do not get the destination wrong again," Neon requested.

"And you're coming along with us, Kyon!" Haruhi announced.

"Wait, what?! Naze?!" the NPC sweat-dropped. "Why me?!"

"You said it yourself, you're as ordinary and average as they come," Haruhi pointed out. "So, it'd really help to have a ground-level point of view, if you get my drift."

"B-but... I'm still in high school!" Kyon protested. "I can't just go off on some wild world tour! What will my parents say? How would I explain it to them?!"

"Oh, I'm sure Blanc can explain things to them! Right, Blanc?" Haruhi turned to the flat-chested goddess.

"Uh..." Blanc ducked her head. "Well, if it's a choice between this or Haruhi raining spaghetti and meatballs on our heads again... Sorry, John Smith, you're going with her. I'll try to smooth things over with your parents."

"Yare yare," the NPC face-palmed. "Well, at least I won't have to deal with Koizumi for awhile..."

"Then the rest of us will return to our nations and prepare," Vert stated. "I have some work to catch up on, anyway..."

"Yeah, me too," Noire admitted.

"Just make sure you get a nap in, okay Noire?" Neptune said. "You don't put on a good look with those bags under your eyes... maybe you could get K-Sha to cuddle with you if counting sheep doesn't work!"

"NEPTUNE!" the tsundere yelled as she drew her rapier. "You better not let me catch you!" She promptly chased the lilac-haired goddess out of the room, causing everyone else to sweat-drop...

*To be continued...*