Author's Notes: Yes, it's been 3 years. Nothing else to say. If you're a new reader, hey!

Thanks to all those kudos and comments! I hope I'll still be able to make you guys laugh. Or cry! who knows what Serious Arc will bring.

Chapter 5: The Chair That Got Away

It had been three years since the last episode of the Disastrous Life of Saiki K. anime aired in December 2018. Two years of that could hardly count given the hell of recent circumstances. So, technically, last chapter's cliffhanger lasted only a year… right?

Anyway, the suspenseful OST had been playing all this time. Aiura, a psychic unrivaled when it comes to reading the future, is digging into the fate of one of my classmates, Kaidou. Since the beginning of the show, Kaidou has had a persisting eight-grade syndrome. Without much of a hint, it vanished, and no one but me seemed to notice. Despite my attempts to unravel the mystery with psychic abilities on my side, I didn't discover anything worthwhile.

And that is perfectly fine.

Kaidou, as he is now, is who he is supposed to be in the first place. His condition was a coping mechanism for some form of general anxiety. Not that I am a professional in that regard. Reading people's minds doesn't make me an expert in understanding them. So if possible, always get an official diagnosis for proper treatment. I'm sure Kaidou would have wanted that.

So I was set in not knowing what happened to Kaidou anymore. Maybe one day, when he wants to, he will tell me what changed a month ago.

But my annoying brother, Kusuke, had made an appearance to declare that something was amiss in the world. I haven't sensed anything unusual recently. The exception being…

"No way…I can't read Chiyopipi's boyfriend's future at all!"

Kaidou Shun!*
(* not Chiyo's or anyone's current boyfriend)

"You don't look surprised," remarked Kusuke, observing my reaction.

It doesn't take a psychic to. If I couldn't figure out what caused Kaidou to drop a character trait out of the blue, it had to have been the work of an unseen force, something powerful enough to elude the PK Academy Psychic Duo.

Aiura's jaw dropped. "Wow. Did something happen? You murdered the idiot just now."

"Then, what about the rest of your classmates? Had something changed about them, too?"

They haven't paid attention to Kaidou's change. The last one who commented on his eight-grade syndrome was Nendou. He's an idiot, so I asked him directly what he thought about Kaidou recently:

"Oh, chibi? Hmm, now that I think about it, something about him looks different. Something about his clothes… Oh! He's become more dreamy! Are you getting that vibes, too? I still like Teruhashi-san, but maybe I -"

I didn't want to ask further.

The subject of love and attraction baffles me enough as it is. Picturing Nendou with anyone makes my skin crawl. The love letter episode - I don't even want to think back to it.

"Something Kusuo doesn't have the strength to look into? Heh. Maybe I should impress you by doing it for you!" Aiura raised her hands on her crystal ball.

Don't, you fool! I don't want to know but I'll end up hearing it anyway from your thoughts!

Aiura's eyes widened. She fell silent, and only I understood why. It took us both a while to process what we had just learned.

"… The fact that neither of you are showing any distinct reaction is ominous," said Kusuke as he looked between Aiura and I. "But if it's not important, can we go back to the subject at hand? Kusuo and I are supposed to be in the middle of a 'walk.'"

Right…

Aiura can't look into Kaidou's future, but that doesn't tell us anything definitive either.

"There's nothing weird about anyone else's," said Aiura, scratching her head as she looked into the multitudes of futures flashing in her crystal ball. "I even looked extra into Chiyopipi's. She's still breaking up with the dude. That's the 22th time I've seen it."

That's sad, but it's the closest we have to knowing about Kaidou in the future. Why did she and Kaidou break up?

"She hated the flavor of the condom."

I hate you.

"Don't shoot the messenger!"

You know what, so what if something unusual is happening in the world? All this for some something isn't worth it. Hit me up again when a meteor is crashing on the Earth. I still have a volcano problem to deal with because the series wasn't done when this fanfic was first conceived.

"You're leaving? I can keep on trying. It could be the future being a little stubborn right now."

It's fine; you've done enough. He and I should really be heading back.

Kusuke looked relieved when I put my hand on his shoulder. "You're taking me along? I was mildly concerned you would leave me behind as a prank."

I know. I can still read your mind. I'm bringing you along for safety reasons.

Kusuke was touched. When had his bratty brother started caring for him? "Kusuo… Am I getting an upgrade to 'Nii-san' soon?"

I mean, you're a threat to humanity. I know you were thinking about dissecting Kaidou to satisfy your curiosity.

"Heehee."

Do you know the feeling of having been out all day, with piles of sensations carved into your mind just from the sheer amount of people packed in your surroundings as they talk, think, act and feel? Not just people, but the air of being outside, the space full of social beings interacting with each other.

I was trying to describe what it feels like having my powers, but even on a normal level, you probably can't relate to that right now. Sorry about that. Ordinarily, I would say, "I sure wish I was in your position to be locked all day in the house, never having to go to school and ordering food online practically everyday," but there's a lot of other headaches going on there. You're here to forget about that, so let's have a do-over for the opening paragraph of this page break.

Do you know the feeling of being so tired you just want to sleep all day and never have to step outside the bed anymore?

I don't want to think about anyone from my school or whatever it is Kusuke thinks is an issue. I want to forget all those and pretend that I won't have to bother with those ever again.

Seriously. There's 5 chapters, and 3 of those happened in the same day. The. Same. Day. It's still night time, so the day is technically not over.

But nothing's going to happen anymore. Absolutely nothing. I won't even pay attention to the fact that I'm narrating this very scene of nothingness, which probably indicates that something will happen. End day. Rest. Skip to breakfast. Hurry.

Hm? What's that noise? I sat up and turned to a light flashing from my desk. Oh, that. I would wonder who would be texting me this late if I hadn't already become acquainted with scammers. I guess I didn't teach them a lesson hard enough.

However, there was no need to use psychometry. The number on the phone is registered and read from Kaidou Shun.

Hey, Saiki! Thanks for inviting me out. I had so much fun.
Oh, wait, wasn't it me who invited you? I forgot already.
But thanks anyway. I really had fun.
I still feel bad for bringing up a weird topic though.
I know you said you're not offended, but I'm still sorry.
That's the last time I'll say it, I promise! I'll drop the topic.
Maybe we can hang out again. Not next weekend though.
Feels bad keeping this a secret from Nendou. But oh boy, if he hears we were out with Teruhashi-san… He'll kill us!

Saiki kept on reading down, but that was all the message from Kaidou. When did he suddenly get scared of Nendou? Nendou would just be extra annoying were he to find out. What a weird way to end the message. He should reply to make sure Kaidou didn't stare at the screen all night being seen-zoned.

¯\(⌐■_■)/¯

Kaidou might have changed, but he was still too eager to reply in messages.

Oh, the last part was a joke. Sorry haha.

Was it? Did people ordinarily joke about murder? When I talk about killing someone, I often mean it with every burning fiber of my body. Maybe humanity's dark side is worse than I thought. I should check on Kaidou just in case.

Clairvoyance!

"Ah, I knew the joke might be too random. I wanted to be funny since I didn't know how to end it. I won't do it next time. Saiki doesn't have a sense of humour anyway."

What am I, some sort of grumpy elderly man? I don't think the joke was necessary, but I still resent that. I like jokes. I laugh at good jokes! Jokes are great when done right. But it's hard being funny, I get it. So I will forgive you tonight, Kaidou. It has nothing to do with my inability to process humour.

[ That night, Saiki went through a joke book from his dad's collection and smiled to himself at the reaffirmation that he did find some things funny. He unexpectedly grew fond of them and stayed up longer than he should have. ]

Weeks pass by and Kaidou remained unchanged. That is, he still was the usual changed version of himself. Our classmates continued to act like there was nothing unusual about him. I began to adapt to this new sense of normal until the new abnormal came around.

Shima-sensei called the attention of the class. We all unanimously became psychics, because we knew already what she was about to announce.

"We have a new transfer student."

Of course we did. This class was brimming with vacant chairs waiting to be filled by quirky high school student. I suppose we had to replace one character after the first transfer student mysteriously died.

(A/N: Toritsuka isn't dead; you didn't miss anything.)

But we can make it canon any time, right?

"Hello, my fellow students and young aspirants of an unknowable future. Standing before a group of mostly unfamiliar faces gives me a great deal of anxiety and joy, a contradiction that is the norm in a society built on both cooperation and predation. I must have already done poorly in inflicting a positive impression, to which I am quite used to, I assure you, but it isn't as if I am doing this intentionally. To be honest, I want to make friends, but most people are simply lagging in terms of intelligence and could therefore not hold my interest. Oh, but I do really want to make friends, honest. Although things are slightly different now, I can still - "

"Why don't you introduce yourself to the class first?" interrupted Shima-sensei, keeping her patience just barely.

"Wasn't I already in the middle of that? But if you would like, I could provide a more cursory introduction -"

"How about your name? Could you start and end by saying your name?"

"Akechi Touma," said Akechi, blinking in confusion.

Nice quick thinking. I think you just earned the respect of the entire class in that moment.

Releasing a sigh of relief, Shima-sensei then took notice of something by Akechi's hair. "I don't know how you got past Matsuzaki-sensei, but we don't allow flashy earrings like that."

Akechi regarded the ball hanging by his ear, smiled and opened his mouth.

"Actually, wait! I was wrong! Having a weird ball earring is totally okay! Take your seat, Akechi-kun!"

Ah, speaking of balls. Hey, Kusuo, you hear me? If you do, make a kissy sound like this: chuuu~

Chuuu, huh? Hold on.

There was a crack of noise as Aiura bolted up so fast her chair fell down. "Ack, I can't believe you!" she yelled, pressing her hands on her ears.

"Aiura-san, please remove your earphones while in class," sighed the teacher, clearly exhausted from the danger of the new student.

Tch, Kusuo, why so mean, grumbled Aiura, sitting back down with a pout.

I thought you wanted a chuuu.

That was a choo-choo. I think you somehow popped my eardrums.

Maybe I went a little far transmitting loud, steam engine train honking directly into Aiura's head. If I admitted that though, I'm going to get roped into something ugly, so I'll pay her back later somehow.

Just be serious and tell me what you want. Make it quick, since I'm already a bit cautious after hearing you talking about balls.

Oh, come on, you know what I mean. I meant my crystal ball!

All right. Can it wait later?

No, I'll forget again at this rate. I was going to tell you sooner, but I keep getting lost in your eyes. Okay, you don't have to glare. I can feel you on my back, though it's actually not a bad feeling hehe… Right! So anyways, I looked again into that guy you're so interested in and it was pretty weird but like, amazing.

Wait, I thought you couldn't read Kaidou's future?

I told you, the future was just being stubborn. After a couple of tries and some delish whooping strawberry shake, I unlocked the passcode and then bam! I saw them.

Them? Kaidou and Yumehara-san? I'm not really interested in knowing how their relationship develops.

Nah. Not them, or 'them' as in 'people.' I saw two future, Kusuo! Thanks to you, I've seen the future be changed but I never saw a person possessing two futures at once.

Not even me?

Nope. Not even you, babe.

Considering the way I was built, beating me in the "how unique can we make the main character" category is admittedly impressive. But I have already decided to not care about this Kaidou business. Maybe he was developing psychic powers to slowly replace me as the main character. Good for him. Whatever his future was or however many it was, life is still going on normally.

"Kusuo - "

There was a crack of noise as I bolted up so fast that my chair fell down… and blasted like a loose water canon across the room, smashing aside tables and students alike until the wall stopped it. A few inches of concrete had burst out and as the dust subsided, the remains of my chair have splintered to glass shards across the vicious assault made in the room. I could faintly hear Hairo yelling as he helped the students that had been in the line of fire. Nendou was saying something, too. He shook my frozen arm to get me to nudge, but soon left to take care of something else. Shima-sensei was by the door, gesturing with her arms nervously. The students were being evacuated. I couldn't move. My hands were glued on my desk still, my form utterly suspicious and standing out completely.

This can't be happening. How… How did I screw up colossally just like that? With a chair? What happened? I was surprised. That voice startled me.

But so what? Did I really just lose control of my power because of a small shock?

There's no getting out of this. These ordinary days, short-lived as they were, are coming to an end. Denial was calming down and I was entering acceptance quickly.

I hope Kaidou continues to be the way he is. He and Yumehara-san have really been getting along. I think Nendou's been actually more fun to be with recently, too. Definitely has something to do with him and Kaidou arguing a lot less.

Teruhashi-san, I'm sorry but you still won't get your offu. I'm afraid you'll have to settle the score with me somed - ah, who am I kidding? It's best we never see each other again.

Kuboyasu, Mera-san… everyone. I'm sorry. If only I hadn't been born with these cursed abilities.

No, that's not it.

If only I were never here, so many things could have been avoided. I still have yet to repay you all for the troubles I caused. The only thing I could give you now… would be the truth. It's the least thing I could do. At this point, I have to be punished, right? People just got hurt. Everyone saw it with their own eyes. I can't hide anymore. I can't keep on protecting myself at the expense of other people.

"Kusuo, you don't have to tell them about your psychic powers." Akechi Touma stared at me with wide-eyed, vacant eyes that reminded me of my brother's. "After all, you didn't use them."